KNIGHTSBRIDGE OR BUST An Epic Of Novel Proportions. By Danny J Banks Prologue. This piece of literary excellence is set in the little known island of Gozo in the Mediterranean. It is quite a small island with a population of 112 people, a couple of pigs and a rather strange looking device to be named later. It is shunned by the rest of the world due to the fact that all women who live on the island have to have a rather long name and therefore some people were deported when this rule was introduced .These included Twiggy and Cher. The main exports of this island is novels and strange devices. The main imports are just about everything except novels and strange devices. The native bird of Gozo is the Dodo,Yes the same Dodo, most people believed it to be extinct but due to evolution it developed a Cloaking Device and therefore is invisible; however they can be seen once every 22 years on the fifth of April from 10 O'clock to 6 O'clock (with one hour for lunch). However this bears no relevance to the plot whatsoever but if anybody mentions the island Gozo you can look quite knowledgeable.The island boasts several important inhabitants, it is a quiet retreat for a quite mad yet surprisingly successful professor called Bernie Wheels. Its is a secluded refuge for the famous novel writer George Bernard Shaw. Home to the retired outlaw Jesse James, who now has quite a reputation as a pistol man for the local loan shark J.Aws (We apologise for the last pun but the author was going through a rather silly patch). In fact the island now has but one native Gozian,he lives in a small bungalow in the very centre of the island (The exact centre of the island is in fact in the middle of the lake medium sized(when it came to naming places the Gozians weren't very original, the two towns on Gozo are called The Capital and Not The Capital,and the three main lakes are called Big lake, Small lake and Medium sized lake) but after several attempts Gibjots Briknerv(the native) couldn't build his bungalow on the lake so he settled for the nearest shore.) Well that's four of them taken care of as for the other 108 i'd care not to mention them. On this note (La) our story begins...... Chapter One. "Oh my God ,He's Dead." It was a quite warm Monday morning so Penelope Watherington-Smythe decided to go sit in her favourite spot ,a vat of decomposing sugar at the bottom of her garden (quite why it was there nobody knew but it didn't harm them and they didn't harm it so it stayed there).It is a well known fact that due to the strange gravitational effect caused by Gozo's position on Earth, combined with the sub-tropical climate and one of Bernie Wheels' failed experiments that sugar decomposes,this does not happen any where else on our planet because all of the conditions aren't met.Hence Gozo is famed (well nearly famed) for it's non alcoholic beverages,much to the disappointment of all who visit and live on the Island.The sugar decomposes before any of it turns to alcohol. There are several large tree's in the vicinity of Penelope's vat and these cause strange and frantic patterns of light and shade to wend there way across Penelope's body giving her a gone wrong chameleon like appearance. The rest of her garden is rather more ornate than the rusty tin vat. It is a large sprawling affair with ponds and privet hedges just tossed in by the bucket full (Rather large bucket full that is.) with the odd tree here and there for good measure. Penelope obviously inherited some of her ancestors traits along with house in South brixton and the veritable fortune,such as rashness and disorganisation, hence the slap-happy impression that the garden emanates. Penelope was tall for her age (27),and she had long shimmering blue hair (don't ask,it's too complicated to explain) that was tied in a rather shabby knot at the back where she had tried to plait it again. All this gave her a (sort of) radiance; the green boiler suit helped of course. She had awoke and decided today was going to be the beginning of a new Penelope Watherington-Smythe ;she was going to do all the things that she had ever dreamed of .She pulled at the knot in her hair. A lot of it fell out but eventually the knot came undone, and that was just the start. Watch out world ,especially Bernie Wheels! Here comes Penelope Watherington-Smythe. Today was going to be her day. This however is a typical start to the day for Penelope, and all it really consists of is a different colour boiler suit and a fresh coat of paint for the wellies. -*************- On the south-eastern side of the island sat a lonesome cowboy contemplating his purpose in the universe.He was rather sloppily dressed in faded Levi's and a Lumber-Jack shirt that looked like it had been slept in, or worse! He had a rather tousled look about him and his face was cracked and dry (those bits of it that were not covered by a shaggy beard) because his Job called for outdoor work (Aside from the odd tavern brawl.). He decided that his purpose was to shoot Indians and general do gooders whilst getting drunk and have his wicked way with loose women. He turned to his faithful horse , Buttercup, "Well me old beauty ,what now?" He waited for ten minutes then realised that horses couldn't speak and gave up. He climbed onto his trusty steed and adjusted himself so he was nearly comfortable. "Saddles aren't as soft as they were twenty years ago." he thought. He slapped his horse's backside ,Buttercup gave a small neigh then died of a mysterious disease brought on by forty-seven year old cowboys slapping there horses backside. He clambered out from under his dead horse , looked down at her and decided she died happy. Still now he had to walk. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere a Skateboard Salesmen appeared carrying a rather bright yellow skateboard under one arm and a glossy sales brochure ,with a scantily clad women posing precariously on a skateboard on the cover, under the other arm. "Hello. I'm from PDX Skateboard association. I see your trusty steed has just died and I wonder if I could interest you in a more modern and more reliable form of transport. A skateboard" He then put the skateboard down and began to do lots a tricks with silly names like the flopsy do or the bunny dance. "How much?" inquired the cowboy. Rather out of breath the salesman replied "For you sir 19 pounds 99." "I can get 'em cheaper than that." "How come?" The cowboy pulled out a Gun and shot the salesman six times in the chest. He then pulled the board from the mans clutches. "That's how." "Oh!" said the salesman and collapsed,dead. The cowboy balanced himself on the board, pushed away and fell off. He repeated this seven times and then finally whizzed off into the sunset which struck him as being rather odd considering it was 3 O'clock in the Afternoon .Jesse James decided today was going to be one of those weird days. -*******- Bernie Wheels looked rather odd in fact his features are best described as rock-like ,Whichever way you look at him he looks different but still ugly. He was the islands mad inventor(see prologue) yet he was not like most mad inventors ;his inventions worked, usually to his amazement. His latest invention was kept a big secret but it involved a dog kennel. He sat tampering away with a screwdriver and an old Alpha micro computer trying to find some useful parts for his latest invention. After ten minutes, and twenty chips, later he decided there were no useful parts and started to take a