Having troubles with your drinking?  Use this Irish Fault Finder's Guide, and
you should soon be functional.  Indispensable tool when traveling.


                    FAULT                               SYMPTOM

1.    Drinking fails to give satisfaction    Mouth not open while drinking
      and taste; shirt front wet                        OR
                                             Glass being applied to wrong part
                                             of face

2.    Drinking fails to give satisfaction    Glass empty
      taste; beer unusually pale and clear

3.    Feet cold and wet                      Glass being held at incorrect angle

4.    Feet warm and wet                      Loss of self control

5.    Bar blurred                            You are looking through bottom of
                                             empty glass

6.    Bar swaying                            Air turbulence unusually high maybe
                                             due to dart game in progress or
                                             flatulence

7.    Bar moving                             You are being carried out

8.    You notice that the wall opposite is   You have fallen over backward
      covered with ceiling tiles, and has
      a flourescent light strip across it

9.    Everything has gone dim, and you       You have fallen over frontwards
      have a mouthful of dog ends and
      teeth

10.   You have woken up to find your bed     You have spent the night in the
      hard cold and wet; you cannot see      gutter
      your bedroom walls or ceiling

11.   Everything has gone dark               Bar is closing, or has closed