"Where Have All the Bad Guys Gone?"

by
Michael D. Berman

     With the collapse of the Soviet Union (destined to become the most 
overused phrase of the year), the question must be raised:  Where will
the United States turn for an enemy?  After all, the USSR had the whole
maleficent package: a frightening, dehumanizing ideology, the world's
largest, fiercest army, and a network of satellites and puppet
governments, all bent on crushing the American Way of Life under their
atheistic, hob-nailed heels.  The Soviets gave us threatening phrases
and malefactors for every generation: from "the missiles of October" to
"the evil empire," from Joseph Stalin to Boris Badenov and Natasha.
Even their color was sinister.  It evoked rivers of blood, eternal
hellfire, and that traffic signal you ran and got nailed at.  Now, in
one fell swoop, all that beautiful wickedness is kaput.

    Americans need adversaries.  What would the Mission Impossible team 
be without maniacal Third World despots?  Or the Republican Party
without "welfare recipients"?  When Darth Vader bought the farm, this
nation wept.  And imagine what poor Tom Clancy is going through.  How
will he measure up to "The Hunt For Red October" and "The Cardinal of 
the Kremlin" in light of the New World Order?  "The Icelandic Scourge" 
and "At Dawn, Switzerland!"  just won't cut it on the bestseller lists.  
Americans demand more.

    But all is not lost.  There are a host of candidates which might, 
with the right mix of paranoia, totalitarianism and xenophobia, fill
the vacuum of evil that came about when the hammer and sickle rusted
away:

  o       The early returns on the Commonwealth of Independent States 
    indicate that one or more of these new nations could supplant the
    Big Bad Bear.  Let us not forget that Uncle Joe Stalin was a
    Georgian.  The chance that one of the former vassal republics might
    belch forth a new and improved dictator is not beyond the realm of 
    possibility (though, admittedly, it would be difficult to take 
    someone called the "The Terror of Tajikistan" seriously). The smart 
    money's on Ukraine, aka, "The Republic With an Attitude" — "Not the 
    Ukraine.  Just Ukraine.  Actually, Mister Ukraine to you."  All 
    Ukraine needs is one madman to claim Finders Keepers privileges 
    with the ICBMs on its soil, and before you know it, Chicken Kiev 
    will be a four-letter word from sea to shining sea.

    Not that Ukraine is the only former Soviet missile parking lot to 
    worry about.  If our Michael Jordan-led Olympic basketball team 
    starts to run up the score against Kyrgyzstan or Uzbekistan in 
    Barcelona, don't stick around for the final buzzer.  Just head for 
    the basement and lock the door.  The post-game repercussions, 
    mushroom clouds and all, will make the British soccer riots look 
    like a thumbwrestling match.

  o       Even a month ago, the world's terrorist organizations would 
    have been a pretty safe bets as new embodiments of all things 
    nasty.  But since Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad have set most of 
    their hostages free, we've lost that hating feeling.  However, 
    Algeria, with its recently elected fundamentalist Islamic 
    government, might be a dark horse.  We'll have to wait and see.  
    The zealots' ascension is a promising start, but they won't reach 
    the Soviets' heinousness until they burn some American flags, start 
    lopping off limbs for parking violations, and get their hands on 
    some nuclear party favors.

  o       George Steinbrenner, though not a sovereign nation per se, 
    displays qualities similar to those of our favorite Soviet 
    dictators.  He has fallen into disfavor and been ousted, but is now 
    making a push to be "rehabilitated" and brought back into the good 
    graces of the proletariat.  Furthermore, the abysmal production of 
    the Yankees mirrors that of the Soviet economy.

  o       Germany is a perennial, as well as sentimental, favorite.  
    However, Deutscheland seems satisfied simply conquering the world 
    markets for now, so we can't count on them just yet.  But when 
    Braun shavers start pushing Remington Micro-screens off store 
    shelves and into the dustbin of history, a new Anschluss won't be 
    far behind.  You read it here first.

  o       Ditto for Japan.  Even worse, Tokyo has "The Godzilla Option."

    These are sad days, now that and John and Jane American have a 
dearth of bad guys to check under their beds for.  It may take a while
for the void to be filled.  But fear not.  Until the next "evil empire"
comes along, we can comfort ourselves.  After all, we'll always have 
Nixon to kick around.

Copyright 1992, Michael D. Berman