ллллллллллллл л IN BRIEF л ллллллллллллл --Random Access Humor Magazine --New Age Notes --Media Link Magazine --The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit --PC_GLOSSARY --GARLIC MAGIC ллл RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR A Monthly Online Humor Magazine Editor: Dave Bealer For those of you who frequent the various online services and feel that things need a bit of lightening up, Dave Bealer has a magazine for you. Random Access Humor is primarily about BBS humor, but includes barbs pointed at most aspects of computerdom. So far, most of the articles have been written by Bealer hinself. Here is a brief sampler from the December issue, plus complete information on the publication. Online Song Book: The Twisted Pairs by Dave Bealer Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Almost everyone is familiar with how computers are influencing the musical arts. MIDI hardware and software proliferate. Some it is even affordable. What many are only now becoming aware of is the influence that computers are having on the *content* of song lyrics. The following are some lyrics from the increasing popular folk-rock group, The Twisted Pairs. Online America by the Twisted Pairs (* Sung to the tune of "America" by Paul Simon. *) Let us be sysops, We'll marry our modems together. I've got some shareware On my C: drive. So we bought a pack of floppy disks, And Procomm for Windows, And logged on To Online America. "Kathy," I said, As we Freq'ed some files from Pittsburgh, "BinkleyTerm seems like a dream to me now. It took me four tries To logon to Maximus. Welcome to Online America." Laughing at the twits, Playing games in the doors, She said the man with 286 Was a spy. I said "Be careful, His upload is really a virus". "Toss me a floppy disk, I think there's one in my raincoat." "We filled the last one An hour ago." So I looked at the user list, She read the system log; And a user hacked into our system. "Kathy, we're lost," I said, And I knew she was weeping. "C:'s empty and it's shaking and I don't know why." Counting the callers On the New Jersey Chat Line. They've all called Online America. All called Online America. The User by The Twisted Pairs (* Sung to the tune of "The Boxer" by Paul Simon *) I am just a user Though my modem seldom works, I have squandered my phone bills For a hard-drive full of software What's this lunacy? All games and GIFs, Still a man D/Ls what he wants to use, And disregards the rest. Ignoring my home And my family, I am no more than a toy, In the clutches of hackers In the humming of the carrier Running scared, Paying tolls, Seeking out the multiline boards Where the power users go, Looking for the systems Only they would know. In the clearing stands a user, And a file-leech by his trade, And he carries the reminders Of every sysop who twitted him, Or cut access till he cried out In his anger and his shame, "I am starting my own board." But the user still remains. Bridge Over Troubled Routers by The Twisted Pairs When you're bleary, the net is down. When sleep is in your eyes, the pager goes off. Who's on your side, when times get tough? When backups can't be found, Like a bridge over troubled routers I will save your butt. Like a bridge over troubled routers I will save your butt. When you're down and out, When you're offline, When throughput drops so hard I will comfort you. I'll take your part, When downtime comes. When blame is all around, Like a bridge over troubled routers I will save your butt. That new net version, Bring it up, Your time has come to shine, All your users on their way. See how they smile. If you need a break I'm logging on right now. Like a bridge over troubled routers I will save your butt. Like a bridge over troubled routers I will save your butt. Of course, most musically aware people remember The Twisted Pairs' first big hit, the science fiction ballad, "You Can Call Me HAL". + + + Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor: Dave Bealer Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the author(s) and are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $5 per month ($60/year) for download privileges is also considered to be a commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Users may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette only for their own personal use. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 (RAH Publication Site) Current RAH Issue: FReq: RAH Back Issues of RAH: FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST RAH Gateway Systems: My House -=FBBS=- Cheasapeake, VA. Sysop: Scott White FidoNet> 1:275/6 (804) 424-0394 14400 (V.32bis) RaceNet> 73:108/1 4X4Net> 44:2600/6 SportsNet> 73:108/6 RecoveryNet> 12:2600/6 Flynet> 196:30/0 PetNet> 73:108/6 InterSports> 103:1032/0 Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 14400 (HST) FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32) SogNet> 91:7/4279 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 14400 (V.32bis) Wit-Tech Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Doug Wittich FidoNet> 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 14400 (V.32bis) Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 9600 (V.32) Milliways Pittsburgh, PA. Sysop: David Cole FidoNet> 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 14400 (HST/Dual) Supernova BBS Scotstown, Quebec Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer FidoNet> 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400 Data Empire Fredericksburg, VA. Sysop: Richard Hellmer FidoNet> 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 2400 Outside the Wall Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Rob Novak FidoNet> 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 9600 (V.32) + + + ллл NEW AGE NOTES By Gerald Tros This shareware disk is a collection of brief metaphysical sayings by Canadian writer Greald Tros. It uses Buerg's LIST.COM to display the several files of this material. There is no set registration fee; the writer requests that you send whatever you feel is appropriate. There used to be a lot if this kind of stuff floating about during the late 1960's, especially whenever a shipment of bad acid arrived in town. This drivel deserves a DEL *.*, but I'll let you judge for yourself. Here is a sample: We can feel and sense the Power of the Universe flowing through us. It is in us... and we are of IT. This Power surrounds us. It protects us and It guides us. We are the Children of the Universe and the Masters of Ourselves. --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<002>-<>-<>-<>-<> We are Thought in Action. We are the Action of Universal Consciousness. We are Consciousness in a Matter Body. Our Body is the Body of God! --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<003>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-- Our Identity is God's Identity. Our Knowingness is God's Knowingness for the ONE Mind.... is our Mind. We are the Spirit of God expressing Love for All That Is. We are... All That Is surrounded by the Love of Perfection. --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<004>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-- Our Life is a Self-Expression of God... for we are God. Our Life is Perfect... for God is Perfect. We are the Life of God... and we express the Abundance of the Universe. We are the Expression of Love. We are God as Man. --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<016>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-- You are Greater than you could possibly imagine. You Are God! Yet... at the same time You Are Man! You Are God and Man... simultaneously. You don't have to believe it.... You Are Anyway! There is a lot more of the same on the disk, dozens and dozens of such Pollyanna mush "poems." If you want a copy, contact the author. This is one electronic publication that is definitely not available from Serendipity Systems. ллл MEDIA LINK MAGAZINE Media 2000 Productions Ron L. Patterson, Editor Media Link is a "multimedia" magazine, which means that it is a graphics based publication. The first issue is being distributed as freeware and subsequent issues will be available by subscription. My guess is that this is Media 2000 Productions' first attempt at electronic publishing. The disk arrived with just the magazine in a compressed file, plus an install program. There were no accompanying READ.ME or VENDOR.DOC files. The user would not know, therefore, that the uncompressed files take up 779K of space and do not fit on disks of 720K size or smaller, nor would the user know what kind of graphics monitor or memory availablity would be required. Even once the magazine is uncompressed, this information is not available. Media Link magazine does run on a 386 with a VGA monitor, but whether or not it will run on a lesser machine is not known. Presumably, Patterson and his crew will get their act together in the future. Foe example, the cost for the next six issues will be $18.00, but it is not known if this represents one issue every two months, or this a half a year's subscription. Because it is a graphics-based program, the 779K bytes of files actually represents only about 40K worth of information. I guestimated that the magazine contains about 25 screens of text. Although the graphics are very well done, but this represents a very inefficient use of disk space. The question you will have to ask yourself is: do you want good looks, or do you want a volume of information? The first issue contained: a) one article on Fractal Graphics (a basic introduction to Mandelbrot, Julia Sets, Cellular Atomata, etc.); b) six brief reviews of various software products (PC-Paintbrush, Word for Windows, Act One Plus, Macromedia Action, and others); c) six screens of news reports d) about ten screens of display ads (with nice graphics) and classified advertisements. For more information on Media Link Magazine, contract: Ron L. Patterson, Editor Media 2000 Productions 840 Rogue River Hwy. Ste. 175 Grants Pass OR 97527 (503) 471-9287 (Voice) (503) 474-9847 (FAX) ллл THE ELECTRONIC CATALOG CONSTRUCTION KIT Those of you who are becoming active in electronic publishing will find that it is an activity which requires business accumen and materials. One of the most important tools in your sales packet will be your catalog. Since your product will be electronic, your catalog too should be electronic. You can either create a catalog yourself or use a ready made one. One such program is The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit from Cerebral Software. Here is the good news about the construction kit: it is easy to use and does what it intends to do; the bad news is that it lacks flexibility, and you are locked into the perexisting template. After you start the program, you are presented with a menu of items to be used in the catalog. You can specify up to twelve categories of products. For example, you could have Fiction, Poetry, Drama, and other book categories. You then go on to name, price, and describe the individual products in each category. The name and price go on the first line, and the descriptions go on subsequent lines for each book. (More on this below.) The program writes each entry to the disk before presenting you with the screen for the next book. If you have used a database program, PC-File, Foxbase, or others, this will be a familiar procedure. Once you have described all of the items for your catalog, you can specify the information for the invoice. This data includes your company name and address, your state's sales tax rate, and how you want to be paid, check, credit card. etc. You can also specify the color scheme for your catalog. Once you have entered all of the data, you select "build" and the kit creates a EXE program that will be your catalog. It even creates a READ.ME file with instructions for using the catalog. Users of your catalog will be able to browse through the a list of the items in your catalog and specify how many of each item they want to purchase. Calculations of total prices and taxes are automatic. When browsing through the list of products (i.e. the name and price line described above), users can call up the description through a hypertext-like jump. After all desired items are selected, the user selects "Print" and the invoice is printed complete with all mathematical calculations for subtotals, taxes, and shipping. Unfortunately there are no provisions for specifying discounts, entering credits, or making other adjustments. Also, the user must write in by hand his name and address on dotted lines. He can't do this with the computer while running the catalog. The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit is available as shareware. The registration fee is $35.00 (or $45.00 with printed documentation.) For more information, contact: Cerebral Software Attn: Mark Garber 1815 Wynfair Way Marietta GA 30062 ллл PC-GLOSSARY What the hell are dhrystones? What, if anything, do they have to do with whetstones? If you had a copy of PC-GLOSSARY you could look up these or any of almost five hundred other terms related to computers. PC-Glossary presents a list of terms through which you can scroll, search, or jump about by specifying the first letter of the word you want to look up. When you select a word from the list, you get a screen of explanation or a definition. For example, if you selected dhrystones, you would get this: Dhrystones The performance of a computer system is often evaluated by measuring its operational speed in a variety of different tasks. The Dhrystone benchmark program is used as a standard figure of merit indicating aspects of a computer system's performance in areas other than its floating-point performance, for instance, integer processes per second, enumeration, record and pointer manipulation. Since the program does not use any floating-point operations, performs no I/O, and makes no operating system calls, it is most applicable to measuring the performance of system programming applications. The program was developed in 1984 and was originally written in Ada, although the C and PASCAL versions became more popular by 1989. See also: Benchmark, MIPS, MFLOPS, Whetstones, Linpack In addition to defining words related to computers, PC-GLOSSARY contains a number of useful tables. They include: ASCII control codes Bytes to Terabytes Computer organizations Data bus facts Extended ASCII characters Standard ASCII characters Floppy disk specifications Data transfer rates IBM PS/2 models Microprocessor clock rates Network transmission rates Interrupt Request lines Registered trademarks DOS filename extensions Video display standards. PC_GLOSSARY is widely available from shareware sources. The registration fees are $29.00 for the current version, or $79.00 for a subscription of four quarterly editions. This software is wildly overpriced when you consider that you can get a paperback dictionary of computer terms from Radio Shack for less than three dollars. For more information, contact: Disston Ridge, Inc. 4915 22nd Ave. North St. Petersburg FL 33710 (813)323-0961 ллл GARLIC MAGIC By George T. Knoblauch One of the advantages of having a large number of electronic publishing programs available is that computer programming skills are not necessary to produce electronic books. Writers can concentrate their efforts on their subject matter, not the computer. The result is that books on a wide variety of subjects become available. If we had to rely only on computer programmers for electronic books, we might not have a book devoted solely to garlic. Garlic is a subject dear to the heart of George Knoblauch, so he wrote a book on this topic. It is an illustrated collection of facts, recipes, old wives' tales, folk remedies, gardening hints, and research information. GARLIC MAGIC uses the Multimedia Workshop interface and therefore requires a computer with 640K of memory. A VGA monitor is necessary to fully appreciate the graphics. A copy of GARLIC MAGIC is included with FORUM #11 so that you can do a do-it-yourself review of this program. It will be found in the compressed file GARLIC.EXE. The book will have to be decompressed before it can be read, and instructions for this will be found in the GARLIC.DOC file. GARLIC MAGIC is a shareware program, so if you find it to be useful to you, you are obligated to register your copy with the author. The registration fee is $10.00. For more information, or to register GARLIC MAGIC, contact: George T. Knoblauch P.O. Box 818 Castroville, TX 78009 PRESS the RIGHT ARROW (numeric keypad) for next file, or PRESS INS key to return to the INDEX MENU. To QUIT, return to the INDEX MENU, then enter 0 (zero). End of file. End of file