Eight Fun-Filled Days and Glorious Nights...
 
                    or
 
What the Travel Agent Said (and what she really meant)
 
 
     Ever get the feeling that your travel agent for your last vacation had
never been to whereever it was she sent you?  Here's a short primer for reading
between the lines of his hype.
 
Travel Agent (or Brochure)                English Meaning
--------------------------                ---------------
All the amenities                         Free shower cap
Stately                                   Needs renovation
Aristocratic                              Needs major renovation
Gentle breezes                            Gale-force winds
Picturesque                               Theme park/Mystery House nearby
Airy                                      No air conditioning
Brisk                                     Freezing
Carefree natives                          Terrible service
Bustling metropolis                       Hoards of hostile natives
Open bar                                  Free Ice Cubes
Plush                                     Top AND Bottom Sheets
Spacious Quarters                         Sparsely furnished rooms
Surprizing Bargains                       Save on Coconut Bird Feeders
Convenient                                Bring Bus Fare
Motorcoach                                Bus
Deluxe Motorcoach                         Clean Windows on Bus
Unique                                    No one else would do it like this
                                          (they wouldn't dare)
Quaint                                    Run-down
Warmed by the Gulf Stream                 Cold
Cooled by the Humboldt Current            Hot
Off the Beaten Path                       People have stopped coming here
Remote                                    People NEVER came here
Standard                                  Substandard
Deluxe                                    Standard
Superior                                  Free Soap
Undiscovered                              Not worth discovering
Authentic Native Dishes                   Inedible but Cheap
Playground of the Stars                   Mel Torme once stayed here
If you like being pampered                You CAN get waited upon
Exquisite Cuisine                         Limited Menu
Choice of Menu                            Chicken
Tree-lined Boulevards                     No sight-seeing
Old-World Charm                           No Bath
Carriage Trade                            No Kids or Pets
Sun-drenched                              Arid Desert Wasteland
Tropical                                  Monsoons year-round
Majestic Setting                          A long way from town
Panoramic Vista                           A VERY long way from town
Options Galore                            Nothing is included in your itinerary
Secluded Hideaway                         Impossible to find
...too numerous to mention                I've never been near the place
Preregistered rooms                       Already occupied
Leisurely transfer                        Boring bus ride
Explore on your own                       Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable Tour Hosts                  They's flown before
Nominal Charge                            Extortion
"Thieves" Market                          Thieves
Dare to be DIFFERENT!!!                   Dare to be STUPID!!!
                                              (Wierd Al)
Mystery Tour                              Regular Tour Cancelled
No extra fees                             No Extras
Steeped in History                        Old and Retarded
Tipping is considered an insult           The natives LOVE to be insulted
... and Much, Much More!!!                Thats's about ALL there is