And this chick was fat, too! If she gains another pound, she'll
have to have her car let out!

And we were poor too! Why, if I wasn't a boy I'd have nothing to
play with!

Good crowd. Good crowd. I'm tellin' ya I could use a good crowd. I'm OK
now but last week I was in rough shape. I looked up my family tree and
found I was the sap!

I can't get no respect! A hooker once told me she had a headache!

I can't get no respect! I took my girl to the top of the Empire State
Building and planes started attacking me!

I could tell my parents hated me! My bath toys were a toaster, and a
radio.

I don't want to say she's ugly, but the last time I saw a mouth like her's
it had a hook in it!

I knew a girl that was so ugly she looked like she came in second in
a hachet fight!

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure!

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!

It's been a rough day! I got up this morning, put on my shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to
go to the bathroom!

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens!

My girlfriend called me and said, 'Come on over, there's no one here.' I
went over, and there was no one there!

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, 'I want a second opinion.'
He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too!'

My wife isn't very bright. The other day someone stole our car. I
said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?'  She said, 'No, but I got
the tag number!'

What a dog I've got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I asked my mother what would make her happy. She said, 'Your face on
a milk carton!'