}"Stop! Don't sweat it. Simply move a few inches left or right to get a new viewpoint. Look...reality is greater than the sum of its parts, also a damn sight holier. And the lives of such stuff as dreams are made of may be rounded with a sleep but they are not tied neatly with a red bow. Truth doesn't run on time like a commuter train, though time may run on truth. And the Scenes Gone By and the Scenes To Come flow blending together in the sea-green deep while Now spreads in circles on the surface. So don't sweat it. For focus simply move a few inches back or forward. And once more... look:" -Ken Kesey, "Sometimes A Great Notion" }Friend: One who knows all about you and loves you just the same. - Elbert Hubbard }There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does not adore his grandson. -- Victor Hugo }"The man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." --- Henry David Thoreau American author (1817-1862) }"Since Brevity is the Soul of Wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief." - William Shakespeare (Hamlet act II) }"Great Wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide." - Dryden (Absalom and Achitophel) }It is a desirable thing to be well-descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors. - Plutarch } Let priests and philosophers Brood over questions of reality and illusion I know this: If life is illusion Then I am no less an illusion And being thus, The illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content. -Conan The Barbarian }"There are old pilots; there are bold pilots. But there are no old AND bold pilots!" -- Anonymous }"I'm not as old as I look - they switched babies at the hospital." - R.R. } "A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm." ---- Henrik Ibsen Norwegian dramatist (1828-1906) } "Truth, like light, is dazzling. By contrast, untruth is a beautiful sunset that enhances everything." }"Beware of Altruism, it is based on self-deception, the root of all evil." - Robert Anson Heinlein from _Time Enough for Love_ }Knock on enough doors and you'll have bleeding knuckles. }A stitch in time makes absolutely no sense what so ever. }A rolling stone must be a considerably round one. }Christmas is the time for giving... ...the cold you caught playing in the snow }Do as I say, not as I do! - John Selden 1584 - 1654 }An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first. ---Caloosa Belle NewsPaper LaBelle, Florida July 17, 1991 }Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and Immortality. -- Emily Dickinson }Buffloes are.....better looking than cows -- they don't have fat all over their butts. -- Ted Turner }Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in. - Robert Frost }I count him braver who conquers his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over oneself -- Aristotle }A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence ends. }The seen is the changing, the unseen is the unchanging. - Plato }Buttercup looked at Westley. "The Fire Swamp? Are you mad?! We'll never survive!" Westley smiled at Buttercup as he grasped her hand. "Nonsense," he said. "You're only saying that because no one ever has." William Goldman (The Princess Bride) } "I will now most humbly take my leave of you." "Ha. You could never take from me anything that I would so gladly part withal... Except my life! Except my life, except my life..." William Shakespeare- (Hamlet, Prince of Denmark) }"People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones." }"A day without sunshine is like night." }A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - Tom Galloway }Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. - Stephen Leacock (1869-1944) }Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. - Fred Allen }Advertising is the greatest art form of the twentieth century. - Marshall McLuhan in Advertising Age, 1968 }It is easier to get by in times of no money with dope than in times of no dope but with money. - Crumb circa 1970 } "If these shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended- That you have only slumbered here While these visions did appear." - Puck in William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream }"I am in trouble.... I'm Security!" -- Kathy Mar }Cease to think the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. -- Vergil }Ability: the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits. --- Casey Stengel Baseball Great (1891-1975) }Diplomacy - the art of letting someone else have your way. }Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. }You were pumping iron as I was pumping irony. - Robert Plant, Now And Zen }Digital circuits are made from analog parts. }"We live in an age where people would rather be envied than esteemed; and when that happens, God help us." -- Trudeau }"I've just scrolled through a ton of messages about who's done what to whom and how it felt." - Barbara Bowman, NH BBS caller, after her 2nd FidoNet session }Ode to Turbulent Flow Big whirls have little whirls which feed on their velocity, and little whirls have lesser whirls and so on, to viscosity. - Unknown engineering student }A cigarette: "A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacoo in between." }Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain }Death and taxes may always be, but at least death doesn't get any worse. }To be is to do. - Aristotle To do is to be. - Nitzche Do be do be do. - Sinatra }"It's uh known fact, Pheoby, you got tuh go there tuh know there. . ." -Zora Neale Hurston (Their Eyes Were Watching God) } If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain }Courage is resistance of fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear -- Mark Twain }When you get what you want in your struggle for self and the world makes you king for a day, just go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what THAT man has to say. For it isn't your father or mother or wife who judgement upon you must pass the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass Some people may think you a straight-shootin chum but the man in the glass says you're only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest for he's with you clear to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if the man in the glass is your friend You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life and get pats on your back as your pass. But your final reward will be heartache and tears if you've cheated the man in the glass. }Excellence is willing to be wrong Perfection is being right Excellence is risk Perfection is fear Excellence is powerfull Perfection is anger and frustration Excellence is spontaneous Perfection is control Excellence is accepting Perfection is judgement Excellence is giving Perfection is taking Excellence is confidence Perfection is doubt Excellence is flowing Perfection is pressure Excellence is journey Perfection is destination }A smile costs nothing to give It enriches those who receive without Making poorer those who give It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever None is so rich or so mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary cheer to the discouraged sunshine to the sad and it is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought begged or borrowed or stolen, for it is something of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours as none needs a smile so mich as he who has no more to give. }Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of. - Joseph McCarthy } Baby you're the only thing in this whole world That's pure and good and right And wherevere you are and wherever you go There's always gonna be some light -- Jim Steinman }A liberal man is too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost } "Logic Clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few..." Captain Spock "Logic is a little tweeting bird...Logic is a bouquet of pretty flowers that smell BAD... First Officer Spock }It's life, Jim; but, not as WE know it. First Officer Spock }"As Benjie Franklin said, bub, there's only two certain things in life... and this one ain't taxes." -- Chris Claremont }To be or not to be. - Shakespeare Yabba Dabba Do. - Flintstone }"Wait a minute, Doc... you didn't tell me you built a TIME MACHINE!" }"Open the pod bay doors Hal." - Dave "I'm sorry Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." - Hal }No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not. - H.L. Mencken } Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle } Enlighten people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. Thomas Jefferson } "With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but with tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will be certainly be lost." -o- William Lloyd Garrison -o- }Good company on a journey makes the way seem shorter. -- Izaak Walton }"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I was not a Communist. Then they came for the Jews and I didn't speak up becuase I was not a Jew. Then they came for the labor unionists and I didn't speak up because I was not a labor unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I was a Protestant so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me... by that time there was no one to speak up for anyone." Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) Concise Dictionary of Religious Quotations } "No, I have suffered too much in this life to hope for another one. All the subtleties of metaphysics cannot make me doubt for one moment the immortality of the soul or the existence of a benevolent Providence." -Jean-Jaques Rousseau, 1712 - 1778 }"I figure, if you're going to build a time machine, why not build one with style?" - Back to the Future I }"How good is he?" "He can beat most men with his breath." -- Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome }"The karma is so thick around here you need an Aqualung to breathe!" -- Phantom of the Paradise } Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song, And all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. ---Navajo song }Remember Grasshopper... A flute without holes is not a flute, but a donut without a hole is a danish. -- The Wise Blind Sage -- }Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers. }No combat-ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection-ready squad ever passed combat. -- Nam }Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. }Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started. } When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain }L'extension des privileges des femmes est le principe generale de tous progres sociaux. --Charles Fourier 1772-1837 The extension of women's rights is thebasic principle of all social progress. (source: Theorie des Quatre Mouvements (1808) II.iv) }Ihr Racker, wolt ihr ewig leben? Rascals, would you live forever? -- Frederick the Great - at Kolin, 18th of June, 1757. }Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. }Draw from your fine command of language and say nothing. }"I know I left that mirror around here someplace..." -- Gen. Manuel Noriega } Before you beat the dog, Learn his master's name. ---Chinese proverb }When they come for the innocent without crossing over your body, cursed be your religion and your life. Anon. } Beam Me Up, Scotty... There's No Intelligent Life On Here. } "Man adjusts to what he should not; he is unable to adjust to what he should." --- Jean Tommer African-American author poet (1894-1967) }Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. - Talullah Bankhead }How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman? - Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender }This was in the Dear Abby column in today's paper. Calorie Counter's Prayer The Lord is my shepard I shall not want. He maketh me lie down and do push-ups He giveth me sodium free bread. He restoreth my waistline. He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake he maketh me to partake of green beans instead of potatoes he leadeth me past the pizzeria yeah though I walk through the bakery I shall not falter for thou art with me. They diet colas comfort me. Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of mine enemies Thou anointest my lettuce with low-cal oil. My cup will not overflow. Surely Ry-Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life And I will live with the pains of hunger forever. Amen }"Toto, I don't believe we're in Kansas any more...." Dorothy. }The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference, they deserve a place of honor with all that is good. -- George Washington }"No Freeman shall be debarred the use of arms in his own lands or tenements." - Thomas Jefferson, from the Virginia Constitution, Third Draft }One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain (1835-1910) Pudd'nhead Wisdom, 1894 }A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wats it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910) }A man came into the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that. - Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California }"With meaning is matter" --- Seen on a guitar played by The Jellyfish } Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not easy. -- Aristotle }'Three happy summers and a thousand years ago.' - Mayan saying }"Why is `easy listening music' so hard to listen to?" ... overheard on A&E Network's "An Evening at the Improv" }"Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!" ---Firesign Theatre }Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. }We are the people our parents warned us about. }"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" ********** "And that's the name of that tune" ********** From '70s tv series "Baretta", starring Robert Blake }"Let's do it..." Gary Gilmore, to prison officials shortly before his execution by firing squad in Utah 1977. }All art is quite useless. - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 }They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born. - K. Dunn, "Geek Love" }Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience. }What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child? }Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle. }"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Richard Milhouse Nixon, Republican }"It's not my fault!" -- Han Solo }Here lies my wife: Here let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I. - Dryden, An Epitaph }The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. - Oscar Wilde }Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. - Russel Baker }The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces. }"As it was before, then again it will be; Though the course may change sometimes, Rivers always reach the sea." --Led Zeppelin, "Ten Years Gone", Physical Graffiti }"The Three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his religious opinions, and his Money." - Samuel Butler, English Writer, 1874 }I had a real bad day today; I had to re-rivit my pizza cutter! - Steve Hart }What a man says drunk he has thought sober. - Flemish proverb }"Justice? Who asks for justice? We make our own justice. We make it here on Arrakis - win or die. Let us not rail about justice as long as we have arms and the freedom to use them." - Duke Leto Atreides in the Book "Dune" by Frank Herbert }What is worse is that the universe doesn't die with us. Callously and immortally it continues onward in its cyclic changes, adding to the infury of death the insult of indifference. Isaac Asimov - Robot Visions }When garbage is put into a computer, garbage will come back out, but that garbage having passed through an expensive machine has somehow become enobled and not to be argued with. }"Here lies Lester Moore 4 shots from a 44 No Les, no More." }No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes. That's what we had the kid for. - from Deathlok comics #1 }What do you want for free, your money back? -- Waylon }The Puritan's idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business. - Attributed to Wendell Phillips (1811-1884) }"Every dogma has its day." -- Sylvester McCoy (BBC's Dr. Who) }"Alles hat ein Ende -- nur die Wurst zwei" (Translation: "Everything has an end -- only the sausage has two.") -- anonymous German proverb. }Why do we park cars on driveways and drive cars on parkways? -- Gallagher } "On the turning away, From the pale and down-trodden, and the words they say, which we won't understand. Don't accept that what's happening is just a case of others' suffering or you'll find that you're joining in the turning away. It's a sin that somehow light is changing to shadow and casting it's shroud over all we have known. Unaware how the ranks have grown driven on by a heart of stone We could find that we're all alone in the dream of the proud. On the wings of the night as the daytime is stirring where the speechless unite in a silent accord. Using words you will find are strange and mesmerized as they light the flame feel the new wind of change on the wings of the night. No more turning away from the weak and the weary No more turning away from the coldness inside. Just a world that we all must share it's not enough just to stand and stare Is it only a dream that there'll be no more turning away?" -- Pink Floyd, "On the Turning Away", Momentary Lapse of Reason, D. J. Gilmore and A. Moore, 1986 }They asked me "what was the most beautiful thing you saw while in space?" I said "A urine-dump at sunset." - Michael Collins, Apollo Astronaut, on a talk show. }The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. }You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, MINE are even WORSE! - Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes" }"They say I have no vision. I can't see that." -- George Bush }"If you're strong enough, there are no precedents." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald American Author (1896-1940) } A man said to the Universe: 'Sir, I exist.' 'However,' replied the Universe, 'The fact has not instilled in me a sense of obligation.' -- Stephen Crane }There is a point at which even justice does injury. -- Sophocles }My life closed twice before it's close It yet remains to see If immortality unveil A third event to me. So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell Parting is all we know of heaven And all we need of hell. -- Emily Dickenson } Wolfpen Creek How it was in that place, how light in a bright pool Of air like water, in an eddy of cloud and sky I will long remember. I will long recall The maples blossoming wings, the oaks proud with rule, The spider's deep in silk, the squirrels fat on mast, The fields and draws and coves where quails and peewees call. Earth loved more than any earth, stand firm, hold fast Trees burdened with leaf and bird, root deep grow tall. }On a Child Who Lived One Minute Into a world where children shriek like suns sundered from other suns on their arrival she stared and saw the waiting shape of evil, but could not take it's meaning in at once, so fresh her understanding, and so fragile. Her first breath drew a fragrance from the air and put it back. However hard her agile heart danced, however full the surgeon's satchel of healing stuff, a blackness tiptoed in her and snuffed the only candle of her castle. Oh, let us do away with elegic drivel! Who can restore a thing so brittle, so new in any jingle? Still I marvel that, making light of mountain loads of logic, so much could stay a moment in so little. -- X. J. Kennedy } The War Against the Trees The man who sold his lawn to standard oil Joked with his neighbors come to watch the show While the bulldozers drunk with gasoline, Tested the virtue of the soil, Under the branchy sky By overthrowing the first pivot row. Forsythia-forays and hydrangea raids Were but preliminaries to a war Against the great grandfathers of the town, So freshly lopped and maimed. They struck again and again, And with each elm a century went down. All the say the hirelings engines charged the trees, Subverting them by hacking underground In the grub-dominions, where dark summer's mole Rampages through his halls, Till a northern seizure shook Those crowns, forcing the giants to their knees. I saw the ghosts of children at their games Racing beyond their childhood in the shade And while the green world turned it's death-foxed page And a red wagon wheeled, I watched them disappear Into the suburbs of their grievous age. Ripped from the craters much too big The club-rootd bared their amputated coils. Raw gorgons matted blind whose pocks and scars Cried Moon! on a corner lot One witness-moment caught In the rear-view mirrors of the passing cars. -- Stanley Kunitz }The tree in the winter is like The lines on my father's face Or like the paths I tried to take When I was young and searching For one clear understanding. In every branch I found a smaller branch leading me Towards many ends and many sorrows. Too fragile to bear my weight, All my branches broke And I fell to the earth confused. I saw the tree in winter Reaching towards the sky With bare branches tangled Like so many paths and yet Each path had a purpose, Leading back to the roots of the tree. -- Nancey Wood }"Why do we call them buildings when they are already finished? We should call them BUILTS!" --- Gallagher }To err is human. To really foul things up you need a computer. } The Tyger Tyger! Tyger! burning bright In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, and what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand? and what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain? In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what the dread grasp Dare its deadly terrors clasp? Whe the stars threw down their spears And watered heaven with their tears, Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the lamb make thee? Tyger! Tyger! burning bright In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Dare frame they symmetry? --- William Blake }Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syallable of recorded time; And all of our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. William Shakespeare "Macbeth" }"Angels and ministers of grace defend us." Shakespeare "Hamlet" Act I Scene 4 Line 39 }"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" -- Shakespeare "King Richard III" Act V Scene 4 Line 7 }By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open locks! Whoever knocks! -- Shakespeare Macbeth Act IV Sc. I Line 44 }"All great changes are irksome to the human mind, especially those which are attented to with great dangers and uncertain effects." --- John Adams in letter to James Warren April 2, 1776 }I had most need of blessing, and "Amen" stuck in my throat. --- Shakespeare, "Macbeth" Act II Sc. II Line 33 }Love me, love my dog. --- John Heywood }My mind to me a kigdom is; Such present joys therin I find, That it excels all other bliss That earth affords or grow by kind: Though much I want that most would have, Yet still my mind forbids to crave Some have too much yet still do crave. I have little and seek no more: They are but poor, though much they have, And I am rich with little store: They poor, I rich, They beg, I give; They lack, I have, they pine, I live. }The bell invites me Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell That summons thee to heaven or to hell. Macbeth Act II Sc. I Line 62 }Either death is a state of nothingness and utter unconciousness, or, as many say, there is a change and migration of the soul from this world to another...Now if death be of such a nature, I say that to die is to gain; for eternity is then only a single night." Socrates } "What does he look like, Tom?" Tom didn't speak for a long time. Stu had decided he wasn't going to answer and he was preparing to go back to the 'script' when Tom said: "He looks like anybody you see on the street. But when he grins, birds fall dead off of telephone lines. When he looks at you a certain way, your prostate goes bad and your urine burns. The grass yellows up and dies where he spits. He's always outside. He came out of time. He doesn't know himself. He has the name of a thousand demons. Jesus knocked him into a herd of pigs once. His name is Legion. He's afraid of us. We're inside. He knows magic. He can call wolves and live in the crows. He's the king of nowhere. But he's afraid of us. He's afraid of...inside." Tom fell silent. --- Stephen King, "The Stand" } "Tom," Ralph said suddenly. "Do you know if Mother Abagail... if she's still alive?" Ralph's face was desperately set, the face of a man who has staked everything on one turn of the cards. "She's alive." Ralph leaned against the back of his chair with a great gust of reath. "But she's not right with God yet," TOm added. "Not right with God? Why not, Tommy?" "She's in the wilderness, God has lifted her up in the wilderness, she does not fear the terror that flies at noon or the terror that creeps at midnight... neither will the snake bite her nor the bee sting her... but she's not right with God yet. It was not the hand of Moses that brought water from the rock. It was not the hand of Abagail that turned the waesels back with their bellies empty. She's to be pitied. She will see, but she will see too late. There will be death. His death. She will die on the wrong side of the river. She ---" "Stop him, "Ralph groaned. "Can't you stop him?" "Tom," Stu said. "Yes." "Are you the same Tom that Nick met in Oklahoma? Are you the same Tom we know when you're awake?" "Yes, but I am more than that Tom." "I don't understand." He shifted a little, his sleeping face calm. "I am God's Tom." --- Stephen King, "The Stand" } "Tom, can you hear me?" Stu asked. "Yes, I can hear you," Tom said, and the quality of his voice made Stu look up sharply. It was different from Tom's usual voice, but in a way Stu could not quite put his hand to. It reminded him of something which had happened when he was eighteen, and graduating from high school. They had been in the boy's locker room before the ceremony, all the guys he'd been going to school with since...well the first day of the first grade in at least four cases, and almost as long in many others. And for just a moment he had seen how much their faces had changed between those old days, those first days, and that moment of insight, standing on the tile floor of the locker room with the black robe in his hands. That vision of change had made him shiver then, and it made him shiver now. The faces he had looked into had no longer been the faces of children...but neither had they been the faces of men. They were faces in limbo, faces caught perfectly between two well-defined states og being. This voice, coming out of the shadowland of Tom's subconscious, seemed liked those faces, only infinitely sadder. Stu thought it was the voice of the man forever denied. --- Stephen King, "The Stand" }"Henceforth Prussia goes forward as part of Germany." -Frederich Wilheim IV, 1795 - 1861 __Proclamation:_To_My_People,_to_the_ German_Nation__, [March 21, 1848] }He who injured you was either stronger or weaker. If he was weaker, spare him; if he was stronger, spare yourself. -- Seneca }"Never laugh at live dragons." -- Bilbo Baggins (From The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien) }I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. --- Frank Zappa }A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. }Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not answering leters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time. - Groucho Marx }When skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to grow so that you can skin them again. - Nikita Sergeyevich Krushchev (1894-1971) To British businessmen, 1961 }"Garbage in, gospel out." - Anon - }Wer Visionen hat, braucht einen Arzt. (If you have visions you need a doctor.) Franz Vranitzky Prime Minister of Austria }The Passive Voice is to be avoided in good writing. }The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on. -- Turkish Proverb }Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. --- Ben Franklin }The devil's boots don't creak. }I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. -- Thomas Carlyle }For life and death are one even as the river and sea are one. For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun. And what is it to cease breathing, but to free breath from it's restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truely dance. } "Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. The blood-dimmed time is loosed and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned. The best lack conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity." -- William Yeats, from _The Second Coming_. }"Ubung macht der meister." "Practice makes the master." -- German proverb }"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." --- Shirley Chisholm Former member of Congress }What maintains one vice would bring up two children. --- Ben Franklin }August 12, 1990 (early morning). It is said that the two great human sins are pride and hate. Are they? I elect to think of them as the two great virtues. To give away pride and hate is to say you will change for the good of the world. To embrace them, to vent them, is more noble; that is to say that the world must change for the good of you. I am on a great adventure. HAROLD EMERY LAUDER } Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much. Alan Paton "Cry the Beloved Country" } The great red hills stand desolate, and the earth has torn away like flesh. The lightening flashes over them, the clouds pour down upon them, the dead streams come to life, full of the red blood of the earth. Down in the valleys women scratch the soil that is left, and the maize hardly reaches the height of a man. They are valleys of old men and old women, of mothers and children. The men are away, the young men and the girls are away. The soil cannot keep them anymore. Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }Faith is a fine invention, For gentlemen who see; But microscopes are prudent In an emergency. ----- Emily Dickinson }You cannot make a drunk eat fire. }Lord keep us from wanting to know What a higher high is By having a lower low. }"Evelyn, a dog, having undergone further modification pondered the significance of short-person behavior in pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance and other highly ambient domains.... Arf she said" Frank Zappa from the song "Evelyn, A Modified Dog" } Rudy removed his hands from Nick's face. He picked up the half of the pencil with the point on it. He turned the paper over to the blank side. He tapped the empty white space with the tip of the pencil, and then tapped Nick. He did it again. And again. And again. And finally Nick understood. You are this blank page. Nick began to cry. Rudy came for the next six years. Stephen King "The Stand" }Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds. --- George Elitot } If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder without any such gift from the fairies, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in. --Rachel Carson } The thing that makes you exceptional if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely. --Lorraine Hansberry }Teo torriatte konomama iko Aisuruhito yo Shizukana yoi ni Hikario tomoshi Itoshiki osheio idaki Let us cling together as the years go by Oh my love, my love In the quiet of the night Let our candle always burn Let us never lose the lessons we have learned --- Brian May, Guitarist of Queen From "Day at the Races" 1976 }"She sings a high note like she'd stepped in a bear trap" ---Caloosa Belle Newspaper }"This land's so poor a hound dawg has to lean on a fence post to raise a bark." ---Caloosa Belle Newspaper }Perhaps it is the brain rebelling at having its cranial container `wallpapered'. }Recycle, recycle! }The known is finite, the unknown infinite; intellectually we stand on an islet in the midst of an illimitable ocean of inexplicability. Our business in every generation is to reclaim a little more land. T.H. Huxley }You are rotten to the core, Snidely Whiplash, rotten, rotten, rotten! Oh, how did I ever get started tying ladies to railroad tracks? If only I could stop... but I can't stop... I've got this thing! - Snidley Whiplash }Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. - Han Solo }"You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting." - Obi-Wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" }I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the Wookiee win. -C3PO }"There's nothing wrong with killing people, as long as the right people get killed." - Dirty Harry } The "legal definition" of atheism: This is from the court case which stopped Bible reading and prayer recitation in public schools... "Your petitioners are Atheists and they define their ideas as follows. An Atheist loves his fellow man instead of a god. An Atheist knows that heaven is something for which we should work now--here on earth--for all men together to enjoy. An Atheist knows that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find within himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it and to enjoy it. An Atheist knows that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment. "An Atheist seeks to know himself then and his fellow rather than to know a god. An Atheist understands that a hospital must be built instead of a church. An Atheist knows that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand, love and accept all of mankind. He wants an ethical way of life. He knows that we cannot rely on a god, channel action into prayer, or hope for an end to our troubles in a hereafter. He knows that we are not only our brother's keepers -- but keepers of our own lives foremost, that we are esponsible persons and that the job is here and the time is now." -- Murray v. Curlett, 374 US 203 (1963) }"A great city is nothing more than a portrait of itself, and yet when all is said and done, its arsenals of scenes and images are part of a deeply moving plan." -- From Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin }There's no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact, it's all dark. --- Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon }The middle of the road is where the white line is - And that's the worst place to drive. --- Robert Frost }"Quarrel with a friend - and you are BOTH wrong." --- Lao-Tzu, Chinese Philosopher (570 B.C. - 490 B.C.) }If you want to look young and thin, hand around old fat people. - Jim Eason }An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing. - Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968 }I loved a girl in Philly once....no, twice. -- Waylon }The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne - Samuel Johnson }I thought it was from Alice in Wonderland. }"....and here it is 19...uh, what year is this?" --- Bob Dylan being interviewed by Rolling Stone Magazine. }Distrust and caution are the parents of security. --- Franklin }Yes it is the dawn that has come. The titihoya wakes from sleep, and goes about its work of forlorn crying. The sun tips with light the mountains of Ingeli and East Griqualand. The great valley of the Umzimkulu is still in darkness, but the light will come there. Ndotsheni is still in darkness, but the light will come there also. For it is the dawn that has come, as it has come for a thousand centuries, never failing. But when that dawn will come, of our emancipation, from the fear of bondage and the bondage of fear, why, that is a secret. Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }"Evil always triumphs because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet, _Spaceballs_ }Strive to be what you want to be thought by others to be. } "I think sucess does not have a lot to do with the obvious. I don't think it has to do with being well known. I dno't think it has much of anything to do with money. I think it has to do with integrity. I think that a successful person is someone who is at peace with themselves, with God and that they are fun to be around. Sucess on a daily level is someone who lives life to its fullest." - Amy Grant }"But keep the dog far thence that's friend to Man or with his claws he'll dig it up again." T. S. Eliot }"And if the band you're in starts playing a different tune I'll see you on the dark side of the moon..." --Pink Floyd }An abbreviated view of world theology: Taoism: S--- happens. Buddhism: If s--- happens, it isn't really s---. Zen: What is the sound of s--- happening? Hindu: This s--- has happened before. Islam: If s--- happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestant: Let s--- happen to someone else. Catholicism: If s--- happens, you deserved it. Judaism: Why does s--- always happen to us? ---Elizabeth Crabbs }Wise men say nothing in dangerous times. -----John Selden }It is always easier to destroy than to create. }"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma." - Abraham Lincoln }I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. - Carl Sandburg (1878-1967) }The more I know about religion, the more I like video games. - Waylon }Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. We find that the sexual instinct, when disappointed and unappeased, frequently seeks and finds a substitute in religion. - Baron Richard Von Krafft--Ebing }Astrology has the same relation to Science as Religion does to Reality - none whatsoever. }A Shadow has fallen upon the scenes so lately lighted by the Allied victory. From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent. - Winston Churchill, March 5 1946 }"Don't Dream It, Be It!" --- Rocky Horror Picture Show }All I hope, is to be able to laugh when I die. - Leiji Matsumoto }For no spoken word was ever so bitterly regretted as the one that was never spoken.. }Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social occasions. --- R. A. Heinlein }What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? }Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. }Dammit! I'm a doctor Jim, not a geothermal technician! --- Deforest Kelly }I'm a beautician, not a magician. }Anyone who marries for money earns every cent of it. }An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie }"Labor is the great producer of wealth; it moves all other causes." --- Daniel Webster, American Statesman (1782-1852) }By the time a family pays off the mortgage for a home in the suburbs, the home isn't home, and the suburbs aren't suburbs. }"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley -- Unix and LSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." }When our hatred is violent, it sinks us even beneath those we hate. --- La Rochefoucauld }Although you may spend you life killing, you will not exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, your real enemy will be slain. --- Hagarjuna }Most men know what they hate, few know what they love. --- Colton }Children sweeten labors, but that make misfortunes more bitter. --- Bacon }Never give up religion, for it is the ultimate pastime. -- Brian Macke, 1990 }"Save your soul, Little Tony! Take Jesus as your saviour and save yourself from eternal Hellfire!" --- Jeremy Little, directed at me after I admitted being an agnostic. }All women look the same in the dark. --- Graffiti }You can change without improvement, but you can not improve without change. }Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? }All that glitters has a high refractive index. }Do be a Do bee. Don't be a Don't bee. -- Miss Frances, Romper Room }No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign it where it is lacking. --- La Rochefoucauld }As to abuse -- I thrive on it. Abuse, hearty abuse, is a tonic to all sane men of indifferent health. - Norman Douglas, Some Limericks, 1928 }There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. --- Edward Peony, "The Stupidity Of Man And Rules" }Narration from Henry V:"Now entertain conjecture of a time when creeping murmur and the poring dark fills the wide vessel of the universe." This is Shakespearean for "Ok, like - it's night." }"You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends' nose!" }When the candles are out, all women are fair. --- Plutarch (46?-120?) }Life is like a sewer; what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom Lehrer }"I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes. Greater than survival, greater than love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. For without pain there can be no pleasure. Without sadness there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned. Because now I understand. It is a grey and lonely place in which we live, all of us, swinging between desperation and emptiness, and all that makes it worthwhile is caring, is beauty. But if there was no opposite for beauty, if there was no opposite for pleasure, it would all turn to dust, to waste." -- Harlan Ellison, "Paingod" }..."So you think it's me who's strange But you never had to make the change Never give your trust away You'll end up paying till your dying day..." --- Black Sabbath }Learn as though you were to live forever, live as though you were to die tomorrow. }Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. -- from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, by Robert A. Heinlein }"To Do Is To Be." ----- Plato "To Be Is To Do." ----- Voltaire "Do Be Do Be Do." ----- Sinatra }The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet, and steady, and loyal, and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if it is not asked to lend money. --- Mark Twain }If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering to disarm all hostility. --- Longfellow }Dog owners know the beast things in life are flea. -- from 4 Sept. "Today's Chuckle" of The Miami Herald }Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth. }Too caustic? To hell with the cost; we'll make the picture anyway. - Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn }Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king. -- Mark Van Doren }"Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break." -- Earl Wilson }Lady Astor: Winston, you're drunk. Winston Churchill: Yes, but you're ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober. }Lady Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee. Winston Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it. }Winston Churchill once hosted a contingent from the US. Among them was a lady who he was sitting next to at dinner. The British were serving a "American" dinner that night. It included Fried Chicken. He asked the lady to his left to pass him a breast piece. She replied "We don't call that a breast, we call that "white meat"". He obliged and the next day he sent her a corsage telling her that it would look wonderful pinned on her "white meat"! --A direct quotation from Winston Churchill's last bio-- }To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. - Josh Billings }Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better. -Albert Camus }You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. - Neils Bohr to Einstein during a debate on Quantum Mechanics }All generalizations are bad. --- R.H. Grenier }It is bad luck to be superstitious. --- Anon }"Everett's economy is like a toilet seat. It goes up and down. We're either fat or we're lean." ---a former Mayor of Everett, as quoted a few years ago in the Seattle Times. }D'ya know how stupid the average man is? Well, by definition, half of them are stupider than that. -- Bob }Hermits have no peer pressure. }He who holds back anger like a rolling chariot, him I call a real driver; other people are but holding the reins. -The dhDhammapada }"Think wrongly if you please, but in ALL cases, think for yourself." --- Gotthold Lessing, German dramatist-critic (1729-1781) }"Count me in every time. I bear messages which will make both your ears tingle." --- Bram Stoker, from _Dracula_ }Always keep your hands where you can find them in the dark. -- Maurice Tyhead about cinemas }You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. --- Lawrence J. Peter }All cats are grey in the dark. -- Ben Franklin } And war it has been indeed - the long war of life against its inhospitable environment, a war that has lasted for perhaps three billion years. It began with strange chemicals seething under a sky lacking in oxygen; it was waged through long ages until the first green plants learned to harness the light of the nearest star, our sun. The human brain, burns by the power of the leaf. --- Loren Eiseley --- The Star Thrower (1978) }In this job I am not worried about my enemies. I can take care of them. It is my friends who are giving me trouble. - Warren G. Harding } "The fate of the inner solar system as the Sun becomes a red giant is grim enough. But at least the planets will never be melted and frizzled by an erupting supernova." --- Carl Sagan, _Cosmos_ } If you believe in light, it is because of obscurity, if you believe in happiness, it is because of unhappiness, if you believe in God, then you must believe in the Devil. Father X, exorcist, Cathedral of Notre Dame, Paris. }Anger is a momentary madness. --- Horace }The two important things I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision. --Robyn Davidson } There is not much talking now. A silence falls upon them all. There is no time to talk of hedges and fields, or the beauties of any country. Sadness and fear and hate, how they well up in the heart and mind, whenever one opens the pages of these messengers of doom. Cry for the broken tribe, for the law and the custom that is gone. Aye, and cry aloud for the man who is dead, for the woman and children bereaved. Cry, the beloved country, these things are not yet at an end. The sun pours down on the earth, on the lovely land that man cannot enjoy. He knows only the fear of his heart. --Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" } Have no doubt it is fear in the land. For what can men do when so many have grown lawless? Who can enjoy the lovely land, who can enjoy seventy years, and the sun that pours down on the earth, when there is fear in the heart? Who can walk quietly in the shadow of the jacarandas, when their beauty is grown to danger? Who can lie peacefully abed, while the darkness holds some secret? What lovers can lie sweetly under the stars, when menace grows with the measure of their seclusion? There are voices crying what must be done, a hundred, a thousand voices. But what do they help if one seeks for counsel, for one cries this, and another cries that, and another cries something that is neither this or that. --Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" } It is hard to be born a South African. One can be born an Afrikaner, or an English-speaking South African, or a coloured man, or a Zulu. One can ride, as I rode when I was a boy, over the green hills and into the great valleys. One can see, as I saw when I was a boy, the reserves of the Bantu people and see nothing of what was happening there at all. One can hear, as I heard when I was boy, that there are more Afrikaners than English-speaking people in South Africa, and yet know nothing, see nothing, of them at all. One can read, as I read when I was a boy, the brochures about lovely South Africa, that land of sun and beauty sheltered from the storms of the world, and feel pride in it and love for it, and yet know nothing about it at all. It is only as one grows up that one learns that there are other things here than sun and gold and oranges. It is omly then that one learns of the hates and fears of our country. It is only then that one's love grows deep andpassionate, as any man may love a woman who is true, flase, cold, loving, cruel, and afraid. I was born on a farm, brought up by honourable paremts, given all that a child could need or desire. They were upright and kind and law-abiding; they taught me my prayers and took me regularly to church; they had no trouble with servants and my father was never short of labour. From them I learned all that a child should learn of honour and charity and generosity. But of south Africa I learned nothing at all. Essay by Arthur Jarvis, a character in "Cry, the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton. }"When you stand on the peak of time it is time to begin to perish." }If one offers money to a government to influence it, that is corruption. But if someone receives money for services rendered afterward, that is a commision. - Adnan Khashoggi, Saudi arms dealer }I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining. I believe in love, even when no one is here. I believe in God, even when He is silent. inscribed on a wall in Auswich }Hate is active, and envy passive dislike; there is but one step from envy to hate. --- Goethe }If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. }There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. }A component selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will be a member of the 1% group. }Line noise? I don't get li‘þÏ“æ‚áNO CARRIER }When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. }Don't blame me... I didn't do it! }That's not a bug. It's supposed to do that. }People are boring. Computers are fun. }Mary had a little RAM - about a meg or so. }Dont pick up that phonš9“œ NO CARRIER }Keyboard bad or missing. Press F1 to continue }Solution=a more subtle problem. }Don't ask me - I'm making this up as I go! }Support shareware, its the right thing to do }Money talks - mine always says "goodbye". }Now that I've gone too far, where do I go now }When in trouble, cause more. }I'm not young enough to know everything, but atleast I try! }"Doubt is the beginning of wisdom" }"I want to be immortal by not dying" - W.Allen }"In waking a tiger, use a long stick." }"Life is a zoo in a jungle" - de Vries. }"Whatever you do, you'll regret it." }"When in doubt, tell the truth" - M. Twain }43% of all statistics are worthless. }A BBSer's telephone bill knows no bounds... }A mind is a terrible thing to waste. }A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out! }A penny saved is ridiculous. }Are you going to sleep at all tonight?! }Avoid reality at all costs! }Be careful what you ask for - you may get it! }Between cheap and expen$ive is the truth. }Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers }Computers also eliminate spare time. }Death - nature's way of saying "Slow down" }Didn't I see you on America's Most Wanted?? }Ever get the feeling someone is watching you? }Everthing put together falls apart. }Everything usually goes wrong at once! }Fake it till you make it. }Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate. }Gun control is being able to hit your target! }Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Snoopy }I had a thought, and I lost it.. nothing new. }I've Fallen and I can't Get Up! }If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. }It is bad luck to be superstitious. }It may be GUI but you still can't eat it! }Lead me not to temptation, I can find it myself! }Modem: A great deterrent to phone solicitors }Money is the root of all bills. }My cat has 9 lives, but my frog croaks daily! }No job is too small to screw up! }Real programmers don't change light bulbs. }There's my way, and then there's the easy way. }When in doubt, press Ctrl-Alt-Del. }After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done. }The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. - Lao-Tsze }Hindsight is an exact science. }Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. }If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. }If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. }If at first you don't succeed you're running about average. }Even rats learn from experience. }Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. }Man is a social animal who dislikes his fellow beings. }Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. }Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain }All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others. }What attracts us in a woman rarely binds us to her. - J.C. Collins }Luxury is a necessity that begins where necessity ends. Coco Channel }It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are. Clive James }Prophecy is the wit of a fool. Vladimir Nabokov }An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts. John Junor }There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has come. Everett Dirkson }The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. }When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. Anon. }A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx }A component selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will be a member of the 1% group. }Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. }A circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time. Teyve }"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." }"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned." D. Graeme }"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end." F. Schubert }A Woman is like a teabag -- you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. Nancy Reagan }I'll worry about it tomorrow. S. O'Hara }If John F Kennedy was reading this sentence, Lee Harvey Oswald would have missed. }Although this sentence begins with the word "because", it is false. Douglas R Hofstadter }This line from Shakespeare has delusions of grandeur. Douglas R Hofstadter }If writers were bakers, this sentence would be exactly a dozen words long. Douglas R Hofstadter }The whole point of this sentence is to make clear what the whole point of this sentence is. Douglas R Hofstadter }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of the problem. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you must be at least a foot shorter than them. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you'll be the tallest person in the room. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you must be the headsman. }"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." Arthur Dent }I'm sorry, sir, that line is busy till Monday. Would you hold please? }How can they say my life isn't a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten? Cindy Adams }I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. Franklin P. Adams }A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams }Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything. Aesop }The paper burns, but the words fly away. Ben Joseph Akiba }Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman }How can I prove that I'm not crazy to people who are? }ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP -- Or just doing research on each other? }WONDERFUL! You have some of my favourite problems. }Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings. }I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's good experience. }Use your own judgement then do as I say }Just when I was getting used to yesterday... Along came today. }There's nothing wrong with growing older, but where does it lead? }No wonder I feel so tired - I'm older now than I've ever been before. }It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow. }Let's put the blame where it belongs: On somebody else. }If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think! }I ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY, after the right time to say it has passed. }HOW CAN I FAIL WHEN I HAVE NO PURPOSE? }It's hard to remain true to a changing self. }When I find true wisdom, I'll let you know, (if letting you know still seems important.) }I've learned to accept birth and death... but sometimes I still worry about what lies between. }My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. }CAN THIS REALLY BE MY LIFE? or has there been some mistake? }It's easier to see how funny life is when somebody else is living it. }It's easy to come and go... The hard thing is to remain. }History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth. }I'm looking for freedom - can you direct me? }Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. }If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. KARL MARX'S MOTHER }The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. BUCKMINSTER FULLER }Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. ARTHUR C CLARKE }Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. }God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,Thursday, and Saturday. - William Bragg - }Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allan }There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. - Heisenberg - }If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. }I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. Gallagher }To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. Warren's Rule }The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you'r still a rat. Lily Tomlin }Experience - a comb life gives you after you loose your hair. Judith Stern }A liberal is a person whose inerests aren't at stake, at the moment. Willis Player }Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. Laurence J Peter }Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. Laurence J Peter }Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. Laurence J Peter }Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. G J Nathan }Enough research will tend to support your theory Murphy's Law of Research }No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. Groucho Marx }Every society honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers. Mignon Mclaughlin }God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. Dr J D McCoughey }When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy. Stanislaw Lec }When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. Stanislaw Lec }The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. Fran Lebowitz }The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Jones' Law }Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. F P Jones }It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. Jerome K Jerome }Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. Kin Hubbard }Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Graffiti }God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project. Graffiti }The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. Jean Giraudoux }Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will. John Kenneth Galbraith }For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed. Clifton Fadiman }Rowe's Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. Paul Dickson }The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. Nicolas Chamfort }If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. Mel Brooks }If its good, they'll stop making it. Herbert Block }Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. Lord Beaverbrook }People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. Russell Baker }When the lay public rallies round to an idea that is denounced by distinguised but elderly scientists and supports the idea with great fervour and emotion, the distinguised but elderly scientists are then, after all, right. Isaac Asimov }What passes for optimism is most often the effect of intellectual error. Raymond Aron }Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. Minna Antrim }A good family is one that used to better. Cleveland Amory }Don't knock masturbation - its sex with someone I love. Woody Allen }A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen }The most popular labour saving device today is still a husband with money. Joey Adams }Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds. Henry Brooks Adams }Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should have in mind. }WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. }FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. }RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. }UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible. }THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will find. }"One Galileo in two thousand years is enough." Pope Pius XII }"QUIT is a four letter word!" - PC-Hack v. 3.05 }It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there's bound to be some artificial stupidity. }"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." -- T. Edison }Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. }Reality is for people who can't cope with fantasy. }Reality is for people who can't cope with science fiction. }The way to a man's heart is through his veins. }Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. }Rule 1: The boss is always right. Rule 2: When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. }Cynicism -- the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. Russell Lynes }If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. Abigail Van Buren }After all is said and done, sit down. Bill Copeland }Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity. }A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simpliy because it was selling well. Daniel Boorstin }Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. TALLULAH BANKHEAD }It takes a long time to understand nothing. EDWARD DAHLBERG }He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. M C ESCHER }The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. }How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else. R. Buckminster Fuller }PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. }The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Robert Frost }Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive. William Buckley. }No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde }I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Tom Stoppard }The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant. Richard Cecil }You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must forge one for yourself. James Froude. }Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power. Henry Kissinger }The buck stops with the guy who signs the cheques. Rupert Murdoch }Strong reasons make strong actions. Shakespeare }It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper. Errol Flynn }Only the winners decide what were war crimes. Gary Willis }Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers. Robert Graves }To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother. Victor Hugo }Distance lends enhancement to the view. Thomas Campbell }Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis }An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. Proverb }Nostalgia is a seductive liar. George Ball }It often shows a fine command of a language to say nothing. }An intelligence test often shows how smart one would have been not to take it. }Wealth buys leisure, but not wisdom. }A short saying contains much wisdom. Sophocles. }Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised. Syrus }I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher. }Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Marcel Archard }There is no time like the pleasant. George Bergman }Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut. Anon }The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we? Bennet Cerf }Examine what is said, not who speaks. Arabian Proverb }We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them. Abigail Adams }Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit. Henry B. Adams }Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams }Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade }If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. George Ade }An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. Konrad Adenauer }A house is not a home. Polly Adler. American madam. }I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen }If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it. Fred Allen }Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there are no rivers. Nikita Khruschev }Only God can make random selections. }Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Don't panic! "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Justice: A decision in your favour. }The decision is maybe and that's final. }It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp }Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. }Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. }One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. }Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain }Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. }Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the world has ever seen. }O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: "Murphy was an optimist." }The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. }Some do, some don't. Some will, some won't. I might. }Flappity, floppity, flip, The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. }Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. }According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. }To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. }Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. }Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. }I would rather suffer defeat than have cause to be ashamed of victory. Quintus Curtius }Dignity is like a top hat. Neither is very much use when you are standing on it. Chistopher Hollis }Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. Jonathan Kozol }If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. James Goldsmith }Silence is better than unmeaning words. Pythagoras }The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone. Harriet Beecher Stowe }Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. }Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Lily Tomlin }There are those that say, and those that do. Andrew Campbell }"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. Lewis Carrol }A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. }Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. }Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. }First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. }Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. }The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! }Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. }Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. }"Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert }Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. }Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. }Chicken Little was right. }Air is water with holes in it }POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. Martin Pitt }I like work... I can sit and watch it for hours. }Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. }The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. Anatole France }If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. }Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. }After the first death, there is no other. Dylan Thomas }Death is all in the mind. Once you're dead you forget all about it. Jack Storey }Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. }It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen. }Suicide stunts your growth. -- Vila Restal }Old chemists never die - they just fail to react. }Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. }A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. H. L. Mencken }GOD IS DEAD - Nietzsche NIETZSCHE IS DEAD - God }Dying is a wild night and a new road. Emily Dickinsom }The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain }We die only once, and for such a long time. Moliere }Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one. Vladimir Nobokov }If life must not be taken too seriously-- then so neither must death. Samuel Butler }If we don't know life, how can we know death? Confucius }Everything comes to him who waits, among other things, death. Francis Bradley }If I must go into eternity, I'd prefer to go by the scenic route. }Eventually, I hope I'll learn to face death - if I live long enough. }The crash of the whole solar and stellar systems could only kill you once. Thomas Carlyle }Life is hard and then you die. -- Record Title }Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive. }Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. }People will buy anything that's one to a customer. }"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." Bill Hoest }Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde }Every solution breeds new problems. }Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. }A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. }Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. }You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict }What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. }Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. }You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. }"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee }Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. }Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. }Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. }"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane." }Necessity is a mother. }Life was not meant to be easy. Malcom Fraser }Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. }The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. }A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason. }The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. }Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. }"One planet is all you get." }Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum- arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. }"If you have to hate, hate gently" }Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. }Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. }Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. }What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. }NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. G. B. Shaw }"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..." }A penny saved is ridiculous. }Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. }Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.... Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. }I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. }Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. }Don't order a drink for the road, because the road is already laid out. Flip Wilson }Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. BO DIDDLEY }The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. NIELS BOHR }Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE }Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. }Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. - Albert Szent-Gyorgi - }It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Edsel Murphy, dec. }Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. - Goya - }Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson - }Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor. - Toynbee - }Take what you can use and let the rest go by. KEN KESEY }The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important. Milo Bloom }When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. MAE WEST }It's not whether you win or lose, it's how good you look playing! David Lee Roth }College isn't the place to go for ideas. HELLEN KELLER }It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. RICHARD M NIXON }The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. Albert Einstein }Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. ARTHUR C CLARKE }You can't underestimate the power of fear. TRICIA NIXON }Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. GROUCHO MARX }Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. PETER DRUCKER }Anyone can hate. It costs to love. JOHN WILLIAMSON }The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. Anonymous }I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. OSCAR WILDE }We are what we pretend to be. KURT VONNEGUT, JR }We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. OSCAR WILDE }The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -but thats the way to bet. DAMON RUNYON }Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. GRAFFITI }The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. ALBERT EINSTEIN }I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. }If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. }I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. }Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. }By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. }To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. }America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. OSCAR WILDE }America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. John O'Hara }Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. }A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea. Dutch proverb }If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. STANLEY GARN }We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER }Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. }The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. PAUL ERLICH }Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. JOSEPH FISCHER }Frouds Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP) }Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. }Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. }Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. }Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance. CONFUCIUS }It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. MARK TWAIN }I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. GRAFFITI }'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - George Bernard Shaw - }Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks. T. S. Elliot }In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. - Thomas Jefferson - }Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. - Thomas Jefferson - }You don't have to explain something you never said. - Calvin Coolidge - }There is no remedy for sex but more sex. }I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Confucius }History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. }X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. }Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. }The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. }Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. }Things are more like they used to be than they are now. }Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. }A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. }Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. }It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. }Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. }"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..." }In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce }Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. }Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. }Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. }Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. }Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. }Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. }Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. }Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. }Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. }Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. }Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. }It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. Voltaire }Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! }First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. }Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. }Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying then without money? Ogden Nash }Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. }God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. Mark Twain }Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. Senator Soaper }Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. }If you wants to get elected president, you've got to think up some memorable homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means. Walt Kelly }There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. Dr. Who }Bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture" }Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. Jerome Lettvin }The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. }A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. }I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. }It is the business of the future to be dangerous. Hawkwind }Lysistrata had a good idea. }Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. }As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. }Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. }Down with categorical imperative! }As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein }Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. }DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. }$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. }Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. }There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. Disraeli }Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. }H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. }Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. }A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. }A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. }There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy }The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory }There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. }"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." Alexander Haig }Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything }Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. }Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. }Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. }SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. }Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. }Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire }You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. }Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. }One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. }He is now rising from affluence to poverty. Mark Twain }Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. }If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain }Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. }There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. }The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". H. Allen Smith }Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. }One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. }Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. Jules Feiffer }Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. }Adult: One old enough to know better. }Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. }Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. }The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. }We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. Pogo }The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. }The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. }When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. }Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. }Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. }Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. Oscar Wilde }Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Mickey Mouse }Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. Eric Hoffer }Quia Costodiet Ipsos Custodes. (Who will watch the Guardians) }Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns... He should be drawn and quoted! }When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be silent. }When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets! }If you can't tie good knots... tie many. }A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. }Your not knowing a mans purpose does not mean he is confused. }What you can not avoid, Welcome. }Think much, Speak little, Write less. }Listening gives wisdom, Speaking gives repentance. }Yesterday is a dream, Tomorrow is a vision, Today is a bitch. }Failure teaches success. }It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool Than to open it an remove all doubt. Samual Clemmens }Give him a fish, he eats today teach him to fish, he eats for the rest of his life. }Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some }Murphys Law: If something can go wrong... It will, and at the worst possible time. }TO DO IS TO BE Socrates TO BE IS TO DO Sartre DO BE DO BE DO Sinatra }Walk softly but carry a big stick. }A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain. }If they throw lemons, Make lemonade. }Money is round and rolls away. }Revenge is a dish best served cold - Klingon }Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me! }Moderate riches will carry you.. if you have more, you must carry them. }Don't insult the alligator until after you have crossed the river. }Remember when you point a finger Three fingers are pointing at you. }If you do not wish a thing heard, do not say it. Klingon }Too many cookies will make you fat!!! }... The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand ... Frank Herbert }Invention is the mother of necessity. }In nature there are neither rewards. nor punishments -- there are consequences. Robert G.Ingersoll }We have met the enemy, and he is us. Walt Kelly }Sloppy, raggedy-assed old life. I love it. I never want to die. Dennis Trudell }The wind and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. Edward Gibbon }The biggest things are always the easiest to do because there is no competition. William Van Horne }Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. Robert F. Kennedy }Back of every achievement is a proud wife, and a surprised mother-in-law. Brooks Hays }Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. Mark Twain }We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have done. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow }Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Theodore Roosevelt }He has half the deed done who has made a beginning. Horace }The only way round is through. Robert Frost }Is there anything in life so disenchanting as attainment? Robert Louis Stevenson }I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back. Abraham Lincoln }We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears. La Rochefoucald }For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him he must regard himself as greater than he is. Johann von Goethe }He that leaveth nothing to Chance will do few things ill, but he will do very few things. George, Lord Halifax }When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion. Ethiopian proverb }Everyone must row with the oars he has. English proverb }The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck. Ralph Waldo Emerson }Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. David Lloyd George }There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. Peter F. Drucker }The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it. Ralph Waldo Emerson }He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence. William Blake }Do not show your wounded finger, for everything will knock up against it. Baltasar Gracian }Trouble is only an opportunity in work clothes. Henry J. Kaiser }The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it. Woodrow Wilson }The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. Martin Luther King, Jr. }What does not destroy me, makes me strong. Friedrich Nietzsche }From a fallen tree, all make kindling. Spanish proverb }They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog -- keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog mebbe. Edward Noyes Westcott }The burden is equal to the horses strength. The Talmud }Nothing befalls a man except what is in his nature to endure. Marcus Aurelius }Prosperity tries the fortunate: adversity the great. Pliny the Younger }Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. Victor Hugo }Middle age is youth without it's levity. And old age without decay. Daniel Defoe }First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. Leo Rosenberg }What makes old age so sad is not that our joys but our hopes cease. Jean Paul Richter }Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier }Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard }Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due. Dean Inge }Anxiety is fear of one's self. Wilhelm Stekel }Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche }I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw }Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity. William Hazlitt }Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. Ralph Waldo Emerson }Beauty is everlasting, And dust is for a time. Marianne Moore }There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. Francis Bacon }Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. William Dean Howells }A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. Bert Leston Taylor }A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. Gian Vincenzo Gravina }Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity. R. I. Fitzhenry }A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being searched. Will Rogers }A company is judged by the president it keeps. James Hulbert }The harder you work, the luckier you get. Gary Player }Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish. Ovid }I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day, but no change at all ivry fifty years. Finley Peter Dunne }'Change' is scientific, 'progress' is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy. Bertrand Russell }There are only two things a child will share willingly--communicable diseases and his mother's age. Benjamin Spock }If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock. Justice Arthur Goldberg }She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. George Bernard Shaw }I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. George Benard Shaw }Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. Harry Emerson Fosdick }Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. George S. Patton }One man with courage makes a majority. Andrew Jackson }He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help. Abraham Lincoln }In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay. Charles Edwin Carruthers }To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Elbert Hubbard }When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. Friedrich Nietzsche }We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves. Johann von Goethe }Half the work that is done in the world is to make things appear what they are not. E. R. Beadle }I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar. Stanislaw Lec }To lose Is to learn. Anon. }What is defeat? Nothing but education, nothing but the first step toward something better. Wendell Phillips }Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along without an education. Education appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along without the use of his intelligence. A. E. Wiggan }A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. John Ciardi }Education with inert ideas is not only useless; it is above all things harmful. Alfred North Whitehead }A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana }Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. William Butler Yeats }The ultimate goal of the educational system is to shift to the individual the burden of pursuing his education. John W. Gardner }A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. Baltasar Gracian }You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. Eric Hoffer }There is nothing I'm afraid of like scared people. Robert Frost }The scalded cat fears even cold water. Thomas Fuller }An adult is a deteriorated child. Anon. }Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Mae West }Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Lord Acton }A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. Joey Adams }Success has made failures of many men. Cindy Adams }It is easier to fight for one's principles than live up to them. Alfred Adler }I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour. Edward Albee }Often the test of courage is not to die but to live. Conte Vittorio Alfieri }A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen }A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Marty Allen }When policy fails try thinking. American Business Maxim }Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. American Proverb }Every nation sincerely desires peace; and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in, must make peace impossible. Sir Norman Angell }A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the right one and therefore can't find it in the dictionary. Anon }Among civilized nations reason has always been an occupational hazard. Anon }Wisdom is knowing when you cannot be wise. Anon }Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think. Anon }Wit is cultured insolence. Aristotle }The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness, and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle }That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong }Lord give me chastity - but not yet. Saint Augustine }Rebellions of the belly are the worst. Francis Bacon }Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of soul. Honore de Balzac }Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts. Bernard Baruch }To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job. Simone de Beauvoir }For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. Max Beerbohm }Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Robert Benchley }Defining and analyzing humour is a pastime of humorless people. Robert Benchley }Religion: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce }Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce }Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Ambrose Bierce }Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce }Prophecy: The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. Ambrose Bierce }Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce }Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today. Josh Billings }Remember the poor - it costs nothing. Josh Billings }Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay. Josh Billings. (Henry Wheeler Shaw) }A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. Arthur Bloch }Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. Neils Bohr }An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. Niels Bohr. Danish physicist }An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan }Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make you regret your premature action. Aaron Burr }Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. Samuel Butler }Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. Samuel Butler }In time of war the first casualty is truth. Boake Carter }A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. M. de Cervantes }Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency. Raymond Chandler }A puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things. G.K. Chesterton }I prefer old age to the alternative. Maurice Chevalier }I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Chinese Proverb }How pleasant it is to have money. Arthur Hugh Clough }Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom. Samuel Taylor Coleridge }When you have nothing to say, say nothing. Charles Caleb Colton }What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others. Confucius }Co-existence - what the farmer does with the turkey until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly }A good memory is needed after one has lied. Pierre Corneille }We triumph without glory when we conquer without danger. Pierre Corneille }No man is a hero to his valet. Anne-Marie Bigot de Cornuel }Life is an incurable disease. Abraham Cowley }I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. Roy Croft }Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am. Rene Descartes }We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller }Everything that can be invented has been invented. Director of the US Patent Office 1899 }My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli }A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman }Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. Thomas A. Edison }I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Albert Einstein }Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal. Dwight D. Eisenhower }Humankind cannot bear very much reality. T.S. Eliot }All mankind love a lover. Ralph Waldo Emerson }A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before. R.W. Emerson }Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass. There is no such thing as concealment. R.W. Emerson }In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. R.W. Emerson }When it is dark enough you can see the stars. R.W. Emerson }Love of beauty is Taste...The creation of beauty is Art. R.W. Emerson }The end of the human race is that it will die of civilization. R.W. Emerson }Weed - a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. R.W. Emerson }There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. R.W. Emerson }He that would the daughter win, Must with the mother first begin. English Proverb }In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Desiderius Erasmus }There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine }He talked with more claret than clarity. Susan Ertz }Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. E. Esar }All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow. E. Esar }When a woman behaves like a man why doesn't she behave like a nice man. Dame Edith Evans }Tall oaks from little acorns grow. David Everett }Passions are fashions. Clifton Fadiman }...the difference between town and country is mostly the view. Nan Fairbrother }The people came to realize that wealth is not the fruit of labour but the result of organized protected robbery. Frantz Fanon }The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift - is taxes. W. Feather }Men just don't seem to jump off the bridge for big reasons; they usually do so for little ones. W.H. Ferry }I used to worry about what life was for - now being alive seems sufficient reason. Joanna Field }Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. W.C. Fields }I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields }The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. W.C. Fields }Stop the world...Nixon wants to get back on! David Fisher }An author ought to write for the youth of his own generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of ever afterwards. F. Scott Fitzgerald }A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big. Francis Scott Fitzgerald }The victor belongs to the spoils. F. Scott Fitzgerald }Fitzgerald: The rich are different from us. Hemingway: Yes, they have more money. F.Scott Fitzgerald }The bigger they come the harder they fall. Robert Prometheus Fitzsimmons }Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford }One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow. Vincent T. Foss }In every well-governed state wealth is a sacred thing; in democracies it is the ONLY sacred thing. Anatole France }In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin }All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. B.B. Franklin }If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it. B.B. Franklin }Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of movement. Egon Friedell }As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker mask. Erich Fromm }The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unsuccessful one a criminal. Erich Fromm }A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost }A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. Robert Frost }The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. Robert Frost }The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Robert Frost }Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone ELSE does the thinking. R. Buckminster Fuller }Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor }Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended. Zsa Zsa Gabor }I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor }Talk of revolution is one of avoiding reality. J.K. Galbraith }There is nothing so fatal to character as half-finished tasks. David Lloyd George }A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs. German Proverb }If you can actually count your money then you are not really a rich man. Paul Getty }Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope. Arnold Glasow }All things are only transitory. Goethe }When an idea is wanting a word can always be found to take its place. J.W. von Goethe }Everything in the world may be endured except continual prosperity. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn }If you steal something small you are a petty thief, but if you steal millions you are a gentleman of society. Greek Proverb }By the act of marriage you endorse all the ancient and dead values. You endorse things like monogamy. Lifelong monogamy is a maniacal idea. Germaine Greer }Nature didn't make us perfect so she did the next best thing. She made us blind to our faults. Grit }Figures won't lie, but liars will figure. Charles H. Grosvenor }There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. Robert Half }Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty years. Monty Hall }Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own. Sydney Harris }Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. William Hazlitt }Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater. William Hazlitt }What's not worth doing is not worth doing well. Don Hebb }Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence. Hebrew Proverb }They told me it would disrupt my life less if I got killed sooner. Joseph Heller }Courage is grace under pressure. Ernest Hemingway }But in modern war...you will die like a dog for no good reason. Ernest Hemingway }All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened. Ernest Hemingway }Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. Katherine Hepburn }Only the young die good. Oliver Herford }Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. Oliver Herford }Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason. Abraham Joshua Heschel }Many people have played themselves to death. Many people have eaten and drunk themselves to death. Nobody ever thought himself to death. Gilbert Highet }There is nothing women hate so much as to see men selfishly enjoying themselves without the solace of feminine society. Katharine Tynan Hinkson }To do nothing is also a good remedy. Hippocrates }A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it. Alfred Hitchcock }We stand for the maintenance of private property. Adolf Hitler }The victor will never be asked if he told the truth. Adolf Hitler }The day of individual happiness has passed. Adolf Hitler }The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. Adolf Hitler }Truth is with the victor - who, as you know, also controls the historians. Rolf Hochhuth }The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right. Quentin Hogg }Every calling is great when greatly pursued. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. }I think I am better than the people who are trying to reform me. E.W. Howe }An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed. Kin Hubbard }A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she dares. Elbert Hubbard }Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it. Elbert Hubbard }If there is anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public. Kin Hubbard }When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money. Kin Hubbard }Humour is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it. Langston Hughes }Habit is the nursery of errors. Victor Hugo }A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far. Fannie Hurst }The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other somewhat higher. Thomas Huxley }I am ignorant and impotent and yet, somehow or other, here I am unhappy, no doubt, profoundly dissatisfied... In spite of everything I survive. Aldous Huxley }Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed. Thomas Henry Huxley }Several excuses are always less convincing than one. Aldous Huxley }In practical life, the woman is judged by man's law, as if she were a man, not a woman. Henrik Ibsen }Originality is undetected plagiarism. Dean W.R. Inge }Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them. Robert G. Ingersoll }The nation that is richest in proverbs (Spain) is the one that has proved itself the least wise in action. Joseph Jacobs }The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. William James }For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him really to understand them is bad morals. Henry James }The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. William James }To teach is to learn. Japanese Proverb }If you understand everything, you must be misinformed. Japanese Proverb }Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral, and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than space is with stars. Sir James Jeans }Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. Samuel Johnson }What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. Samuel Johnson }Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world. Samuel Johnson }The applause of a single human being is of great consequence. Samuel Johnson }He knows not his own strength that hath not met adversity. Ben Jonson }In the fight between you and the world, back the world. Franz Kafka }You do not destroy an idea by killing people; you replace it with a better one. Edward Keating }Beauty is truth, truth beauty. John Keats }It is much safer to obey than to rule. Thomas A. Kempis }Verily, when the day of judgment comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done. Thomas A. Kempis }We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world - or to make it the last. John F. Kennedy }Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. John F. Kennedy }There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and all that lie between. Jody Kern }Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. Rudyard Kipling }For the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Rudyard Kipling }He travels the fastest who travels alone. Rudyard Kipling }The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. Rudyard Kipling }We cannot unthink unless we are insane. Arthur Koestler }Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity. Arthur Koestler }Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs }Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Joseph Wood Krutch }Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength. Charles Lamb }Nothing puzzles me more than time and space, and yet nothing puzzles me less, for I never think about them. Charles Lamb }Levity is the soul of wit. Melville D. Landon. (Eli Perkins) }By 1960 work will be limited to three hours a day. John Langdon-Davies. A Short History of the Future 1936 }People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts. Robert Keith Leavitt }At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche. Stanislaw J. Lec }Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men. Some are married. Emma Lee }It's easier to be original and foolish than original and wise. Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz }A pun is the lowest form of humour - when you don't think of it first. Oscar Levant }Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. Aaron Levenstein }Statistics - figures used as arguments. Leonard Louis Levinson }A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. G.C. Lichtenberg }Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. A.J. Liebling }Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln }What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself. Abraham Lincoln }The ballot is stronger than the bullet. Abraham Lincoln }You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. Abraham Lincoln }Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippmann }I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. John Locke }This organization (the United Nations) is created to prevent you from going to hell. It isn't created to take you to heaven. Henry Cabot Lodge }The ignorant man always adores what he cannot understand. Cesare Lombroso }Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis best suited to open the way to the next better one. Konrad Lorenz }While doubt stands still, confidence can erect a skyscraper. George Lorimer }By virtue we merely mean the avoidance of the vices that do not attract us. Robert Lynd }In war there is no substitute for victory. Douglas MacArthur }It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved. Niccolo Machiavelli }An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience. Don Marquis }From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Karl Marx }Religion is the opiate of the masses. Karl Marx }Impropriety is the soul of wit. Somerset Maugham }It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. William G. McAdoo }A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. Peter McArthur }Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it. Mignon McLaughlin }If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious. Mignon McLaughlin }Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate. Margaret Mead. American anthropologist }I try all things; I achieve what I can. Herman Melville }In adversity a man is saved by hope. Menander }Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone might be looking. H.L. Mencken }When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. H.L. Mencken }No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H.L. Mencken }Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. H.L. Mencken }Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. H.L. Mencken }On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. H.L. Mencken }Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H.L. Mencken }A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. H.L. Mencken }Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish. Michelangelo }He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. J.S. Mill }We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests. Henry Miller }Better to reign in hell than serve in heav'n. John Milton }Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Wilson Mizner }When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research. Wilson Mizner }Having a daughter is like riding a young horse over an unknown steeplechase course. You don't know when to pull up the reins, when to let the horse have the head ... or what. Princess Grace of Monaco }I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it. Marilyn Monroe }A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing. Marilyn Monroe }I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu }Civility costs nothing, and buys everything. Mary Wortley Montagu }War hath no fury like a non-combatant. C.E. Montague }We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. Michel de Montaigne }Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. Michel de Montaigne. French writer }Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it. Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu }After all there is but one race - humanity. George Moore }Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. Hannah More }There is only one success, to be able to spend your life in your own way. Christopher Morley }You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. John Viscount Morley }Economy: Cutting down other people's wages. J.B. Morton }If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions. Arthur H. Motley }Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions. Edward R. Murrow }When you win, nothing hurts. Joe Namath }If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing. Napoleon }In politics stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon }Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability. Flower A. Newhouse }Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Howard W. Newton }The thoughtless are rarely wordless. Howard W. Newton }If I have been able to see farther than others, it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants. Sir Isaac Newton }One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. F. Nietzsche }He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. F. Nietzsche }Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth - to see it like it is, and tell it like it is - to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth. Richard M. Nixon. Accepting the presidential nomination in 1968 }The right man, in the right place, at the right time - can steal millions. Gregory Nunn }The man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors is like a potato - the only good belonging to him is underground. Sir Thomas Overbury }The two most beautiful words in the English language are: 'Cheque enclosed.' Dorothy Parker }The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Ellen Parr }Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical. Blaise Pascal }Never tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. General George S. Patton }Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. Irene Peter }An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter }Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence Peter. Canadian writer }Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer them. Wendell Phillips }Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves. William Pitt the Younger }I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. Plutarch }Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. Alexander Pope }To attack a man for talking nonsense is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp and jumping in after him with a knife. Karl Popper }There is a remedy for everything; it is called death. Portuguese Proverb }They talk most who have the least to say. Matthew Prior }Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. Scottish Proverb }Actions speak louder than words. Proverb }Advice is least heeded when most needed. Proverb }He who would leap high must take a long run. Proverb }Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. Proverb }Take off your hat to your yesterdays; take off your coat for your tomorrows. Proverb }The world is divided into men who accomplish things and those who get all the credit. Proverb }What worth has beauty if it be not seen? Proverb }When saving for old age, be sure to put away a few pleasant thoughts. Proverb }Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. Dan Rather }Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan }Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion. Kate Reid }My father, a good man, told me, 'Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it.' Erich Maria Remarque }I am not sincere, not even when I say I am not. Jules Renard }Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. Jules Renard }Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. Rebecca Richards }The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing. Sir Ralph Richardson }Men, like bullets, go farthest when they are smoothest. Jean Paul Richter }If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. Dennis Roch }It's easier to be wise for others than for ourselves. Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld }We wish to attract praise to ourselves even as we seem to be praising others. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }It is easier to appear worthy of a position one does not hold, than of the office which one fills. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }We always love those who admire us, but we do not always love those whom we admire. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. Will Rogers }Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. Will Rogers }The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. Theodore Roosevelt }Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries for the benefit of rich people in poor countries. Bernard Rosenberg }A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women and yet has the art to remain a bachelor. Helen Rowland. American journalist }The saying that beauty is but skin deep is but a skin deep saying. John Ruskin }A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Francoise Sagan }Skepticism, like chastity should not be relinquished too readily. George Santayana }There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. Charles M. Schulz }The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself, but in the colours and textures that come alive in others. Albert Schweitzer }Life without the courage for death is slavery. Seneca }Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. Seneca }When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better. Mae West }Brevity is the soul of wit. William Shakespeare }The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves. William Shakespeare }My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity. George Bernard Shaw }Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more arduous. George Bernard Shaw }A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw }Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it. George Bernard Shaw }Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. George Bernard Shaw }Men have to do some awfully mean things to keep up their respectability. George Bernard Shaw }Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. George Bernard Shaw }The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. George Bernard Shaw }It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. George Bernard Shaw }Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian. Lee Simonson }Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. Cornelia Otis Skinner }It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do only a little. Do what you can. Sydney Smith }The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the man. Roy L. Smith }Remember when we all wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor? Well, now I do. Carrie Snow }Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope. C.P. Snow }Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior. Socrates }Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. Socrates }Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him. Herbert Spencer }Rest: Death after life. Edmund Spenser }If you want a thing well done, do it yourself. Charles Haddon Spurgeon }Power, after love, is the first source of happiness. Stendhal }Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. Adlai Stevenson }An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. Adlai Stevenson }The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. }It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg }(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. }Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. }"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." }The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine }LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. }A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. }First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. }The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. }Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. }To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. }Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. }Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. }Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. }A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. }Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. }"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." Jeff Berner }Don't be humble, you're not that great. Golda Meir }Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." Mike Kellen }"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" }Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? }A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. }At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. }If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? }"It's bad luck to be superstitious." Andrew W. Mathis }You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. }"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) }Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. }Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. }When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw }If anything can go wrong, it will. }You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. Lauren Bacall }I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. }Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. }At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 }If you're happy, you're successful. }Actor:"I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" }Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond }f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. }The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. Albert Einstein }He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. }"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." }A CONS is an object which cares. Bernie Greenberg. }I like your game but we have to change the rules. }The more things change, the more they stay insane. }All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. }The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. G. B. Shaw }SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. }A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin }It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ... Playboy, January 1983 }Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. }Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. }Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. }Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. }Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell }First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). }It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. }Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. }I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. James R. F. Quirk }The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. }All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. Sean O'Casey }Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" }Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. }"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" Oscar Wilde }Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. John Kenneth Galbraith }Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. }I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain }All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. }Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. }Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. }Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary }I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. Joe Walsh }That secret you've been guarding, isn't. }They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. Mark Twain }"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian." }The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. }In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. }If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. }If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. }San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen }Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. }While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. }Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. }If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. }Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. G.B. Shaw }It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. }Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. }Think honk if you're a telepath. }Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. }You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. }You're at the end of the road again. }There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. Mark Twain }TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. }Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. }There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. }The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. P. Medawar }Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. M.C. Reed. }I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. }Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. }If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. -- Eugene P. Gallagher }Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! }Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. }A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. }Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. }I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton }Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"A witty saying proves nothing." Voltaire }The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. }It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. }Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. }Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! }Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. }It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. }You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. }Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff }Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". }Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. }Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. }The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. Andrew S. Tanenbaum }"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" MacNelley, "Shoe" }Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" }What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. }As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 }Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. }No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce }You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. Bumper Sticker }Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. }Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. }As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." }Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. Friedrich Nietzsche }You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. }You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. Alan Perlis }Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. }A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupery }If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. Benjamin Disraeli }When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. R. A. Lafferty }He who Laughs, Lasts. }No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt }Never eat more than you can lift. Miss Piggy }Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. }A fool must now and then be right by chance. }You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. Henrick Ibson }Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. Ray Simard }If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. }Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. }Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. Charlie Brown }Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." Russell Long }As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. Oscar Wilde }Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. }There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. }It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark }Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. }It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. }The fact that it works is immaterial. L. Ogborn }ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." }Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. }I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson }Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. }Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. }If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson }Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. }What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? }"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." John Barrymore's dying words }Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. }What I tell you three times is true. }A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Ogden Nash }Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. R. Geis }Everything you know is wrong! }"Now is the time for all good men to come to." Walt Kelly }Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. }If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. }Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. }A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. Dennis M. Ritchie }The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. }... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! }The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers. }Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood }Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" }Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. }Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. }Optimization hinders evolution. }Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions ordogs you have just kicked. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. }Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. Robert Heinlein }PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. }There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. }You may be recognized soon. Hide. }Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. }A closed mouth gathers no foot. }If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. Pope John Paul I }"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." }Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. }Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Dykstra }O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? }There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. }Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. }"You'll never be the man your mother was!" }The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Drive defensively. Buy a tank. }Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }The computing field is always in need of new cliches. Alan Perlis }Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. }Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. }Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. }The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. Elizabeth Taylor }"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" Time Bandits }Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. }Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields }When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen }A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King }Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. }SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. }"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" }She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. Mark Twain }Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! }Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. }We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. Andy Rooney }Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. }Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. }The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. Abbie Hoffman }Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. }God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. }That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. Dorothy Parker }"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." }I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. George Bernard Shaw }You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food }Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. }How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey }Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. A. Lincoln }As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein }The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. Robert Heinlein }Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. }Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. }Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. }CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. }Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. }What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. }Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Euripides }An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. }Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. }Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. }Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. }A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. }A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. }Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.- Charles McCabe }Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. }If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. }Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? }Cleanliness is next to impossible. }May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! }With a rubber duck, one's never alone. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. }Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. }The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. }Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. }If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. }At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. }Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. Ray Simard }In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. }There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it. }Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. }A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. }"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia }A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. Gigo }Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... }"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." Lily Tomlin }Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. }Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. }Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. }I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. Art Leo }Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. }The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen }Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. }There's no future in time travel. }One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. }It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. }GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. }Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. }For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. }Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. Charles Schulz }This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. }Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. }... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man A. E. Housman }... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... }Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. }Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. }The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Oscar Wilde }Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. }When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? }Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. }The world is coming to an end. Please log off. }The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." }Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. }People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. }May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts }Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Mark Twain }If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. John Kenneth Galbraith }Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. }Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. }The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. }Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. }Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? }Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. }It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? }Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. }Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A:To prevent the sensible ones from going home. }Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. }Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. }"Why be a man when you can be a success?" Bertold Brecht }A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. }If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. }On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" }Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. Elbert Hubbard }The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. }Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. }A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. }The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. }Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! }Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. Mike Adams }When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. }Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries }A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. Anatol Holt }I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill }An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. A. P. Herbert }Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". }ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. }Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. }Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. }A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson }Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" }Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. }Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic }"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. Tom Leher }A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. O'Henry }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. }There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? }Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. }Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". }A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". }If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.-- Maslow }Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. R. Buckminster Fuller }The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) }The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead. }Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. }Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. }Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. }Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Mark Twain }In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? }Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. }Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. }What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? }Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. Steve Rubenstein }... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. }Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! }Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 }Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. }Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. }Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. }Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. }The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. }There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain }If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. }Love is sentimental measles. }Put your Nose to the Grindstone! Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. }New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. Webster's Unafraid Dictionary }Anything free is worth what you pay for it. }The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. }"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." Winston Curchill, of Montgomery }May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. }Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. }We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. }If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman }Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) }Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. John Kenneth Galbraith }Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover }What is a magician but a practising theorist? Obi-Wan Kenobi }Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). }Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. }Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. }A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." Stephen Crane }Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. }If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? Richard Nixon }Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. }Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. }Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? }If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. }Surprise due today. Also the rent. }Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. }Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. }In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better. }Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. }"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". }The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! }Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." }Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. }The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat Ogden Nash. }Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. }Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. }Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. }Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. }I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." }President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.- The Washington Post }Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. }Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. }Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? }Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. }The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. }College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. H. L. Mencken }"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." William Gilbert }A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. }Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }The revolution will not be televised. }No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. }Elevators smell different to midgets }Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. Ambrose Bierce }Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. }Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. }Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. }If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" }Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. Ogden Nash }Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things? }UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. }The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. }"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." Benjamin Disraeli }Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. A. E. Housman }Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. }"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" }"One planet is all you get." }Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field ofendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. }The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. }Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. F. M. Hubbard }Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? }Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Salvor Hardin }Laetrile is the pits }You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. }According to my best recollection, I don't remember. Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo }User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. }They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! }The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. }"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" }Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy }Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. }Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. }If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatty }If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. }Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young }An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. }Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? }Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. }When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. The Wall Street Journal }Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. }Beware of low-flying butterflies. }Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling thatthere is nothing important to do. }Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. Peter de Vries }Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? Clarence Darrow }All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. }You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. }On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. }Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. }Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. }The best defense against logic is ignorance. }Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. E. B. White }I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow }Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. }Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. }He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" }Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. }Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. A. R. Longworth }Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. }Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. C. Degen }You're never too old to become younger. Mae West }Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz }Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Martin Luther King, Jr. }The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. Lao Tsu }Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." }F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! }"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." }I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts }NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION }It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. Edna St. Vincent Millay }Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. }Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. }A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.-- Mark Twain }Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. }Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. }"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan }Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. }People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. Ogden Nash }This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 }Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. }Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. }When in doubt, use brute force. Ken Thompson }Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. Oscar Levant }An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. }If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. Ronald Reagan }"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." }A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. }The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W. C. Fields }Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. }You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. }Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Wernher von Braun }Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham }Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. }A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. Everett McKinley Dirksen }Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. }Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... Woody Allen }Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa }A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. Mark Twain }What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? }Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. }Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. }Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. }In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. Mark Twain }May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. }Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. }After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. }Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. }Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. Eric Hoffer }Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. }I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. }While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. }If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. }"Grub first, then ethics." Bertolt Brecht }Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". }"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." Albert Einstein }As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." }Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. }Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. }It is the business of the future to be dangerous. Hawkwind }The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. }Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. }Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. }... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. J. B. White }If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. Lyndon Baines Johnson }He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. John Mason Brown, drama critic }"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." }"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune." }Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. }Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." }A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. }Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. }Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H. L. Mencken }Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abraham Lincoln }I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. }Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. }Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde }Your lucky number has been disconnected. }When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. }Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. }Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. }Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen }It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. Phil White }Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. R. Geis }The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. Bill Murray }SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. }Xerox never comes up with anything original. }An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. }Xerox does it again and again and again and ... }"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." }San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. }Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. }A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James }Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday }The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. }While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. }Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. }Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. }"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." English Professor }Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. }I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. }There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. }I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. }Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. }When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. }Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. }Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." Isaac Asimov }If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. Reverend Chichester }But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" }Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. }Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?- Ursula K. LeGuin }Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. }Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato }Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? }You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin }The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:37 }Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. }The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. }I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde }If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. }These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. }Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. }Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. }The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. }The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. }Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. }Corruption is not the No.1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan }If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin }Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." Henry Kissinger }If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? }[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. Edwin Meese III }Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. }Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "SOMEBODY somebody has to buy retail." Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. Thomas Paine }Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. }How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. }"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." }However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. Tom K. Ryan }We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly }It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. }Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper-- Thomas Jefferson }Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. }President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. }Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. Winston Churchill }When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. }AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. }Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. Peggy Joyce }"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..." }A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Winston Churchill }"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." }"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them." Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. }Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. }"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" }You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. }Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. }The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. Ogden Nash }Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. }Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. }Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. }You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. }How come wrong numbers are never busy? }Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. }Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened toevery one you know, only more so. }Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. }Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. }The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers }Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. H. L. Mencken }Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. }While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. }Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. }In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency The Peter Principle }The Killer Ducks are coming!!! }"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." }Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. }Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right }How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? }Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. }Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. }You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. }Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. }Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. }"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." Mark Twain }"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." Kevin White, mayor of Boston }Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Wernher von Braun }In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. Egyptian Book of the Dead }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. }If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. }While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. }God is real, unless declared integer. }Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. }The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. }Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A:To stamp out forest fires. Q:Why do elephants have flat feet? A:To stamp out flaming ducks. }How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. }"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. }Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. William Shakespeare, "King John" }Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. }THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES The one who has the gold makes the rules. }Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? }[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves to see him work. Winston Churchill }Satellite Safety Tip No.14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. }Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. }If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? }If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? }Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. }Virtue is its own punishment. }Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. }Oh, wow! Look at the moon! }Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always besomeone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. }The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. Dennis M. Ritchie }Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. }The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. }Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. }Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. }It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. }"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." English Professor, Ohio University }Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.-- Wernher von Braun }Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. }Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. }Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. }186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! }Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. }Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. }Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. }Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. Elbert Hubbard }Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle }Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. }More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen }Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. }One seldom sees a monument to a committee. }If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. }Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile }Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. }Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an enemy. A. Einstein }If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? }"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." }Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. }"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." }Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? }Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. }Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. }If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. Vannevar Bush }Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. Rainer Rilke }When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him, that's where the money is. Robespierre }The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde }If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. }The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain }The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. }Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. }If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. }Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! }Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. }"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." Dagwood Bumstead }Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. }Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. }A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. }I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. William F. Buckley }You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. J. Wellington Wells }Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams }After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? }As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. }Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. }Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. Trotsky }"All flesh is grass" Isaiah Smoke a friend today. }You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. Alfred Kahn }Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. Henry N. Camp }What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Don Quinn }Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" }For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. R. Clopton }If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. }Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... Carl Zwanzig }You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year- old. }Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. W. Somerset Maughm }What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. }Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. }Alas, I am dying beyond my means. Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed }All science is either physics or stamp collecting. E. Rutherford (who later won a Nobel prize in Chemistry) }If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. }Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." }Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. }Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain }"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein }When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge }Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Save energy: be apathetic. }Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Avoid reality at all costs. }I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. }No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. }"When in doubt, tell the truth." Mark Twain }Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." }During the next two hours, the network will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po~y oodsou>No.w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. }I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. Ogden Nash }Absence makes the heart go wander. }Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. }Someone will try to honk your nose today. }Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A:One per person. }"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" Paul McCracken }The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. }Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. }AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. }The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. Ogden Nash }Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. }Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. }Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. }Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. Beckett }Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. }Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. }It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? Alan Perlis }Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! Adventures of Asterix. }Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. }How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." }Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. }It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. R. Serling }How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. }Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. }Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. }Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen }The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. T. Lehrer }One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. }This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. Douglas Adams }Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. }Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. }Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. }Two percent of zero is almost nothing. }The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. Andy Warhol }Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. J. P. McEvoy }Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. }The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw }Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. }Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? }The chief cause of problems is solutions. }"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!" }Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. }Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. George Saunders' dying words }We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. }Stay away from hurricanes for a while. }A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. Tenessee Williams }I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. }Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. }Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. }A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald }Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. }When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. }I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. }"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope." Oscar Wilde }The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. }If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. Thomas Carlyle }We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. }Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. }Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. }Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 }If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Derek Bok, president of Harvard }Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. }"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." }It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. }Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. }Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. }Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. }Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look who thinks he's nobody!" Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. }Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" }You will be surprised by a loud noise. }There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. Lily Tomlin }Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. }In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. Adlai Stevenson }Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. Milton Friedman }Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld }The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. Oscar Wilde }Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. Aldous Huxley }Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! }Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. R. A. Heinlein }Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. }I hate quotations. Ralph Waldo Emerson }Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. }Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. }Take it easy, we're in a hurry. }As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" }Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! }Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. }Good day to let down old friends who need help. }Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. }Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. }Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. }Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. }Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. }Condense soup, not books! }People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. }Go 'way! You're bothering me! }Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. }A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. }After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke }Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. }The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. }Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. }Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. }It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. }Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. }Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. }Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE! }Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. }Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. Henrik Tikkanen }Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. }Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. }Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. }Whatever became of eternal truth? }A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. Lew Col }"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" Winston Churchill }Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. }God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. Pablo Picasso }"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" }Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." Aelius Donatus }There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it G. B. Shaw }Nihilism should commence with oneself. }Yes, but which self do you want to be? }"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" Bertold Brecht }The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. Alan Ashley-Pitt }I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. }Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. }Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein }Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" }I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate }Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. }"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?" Jehan Shuman }Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. }There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger }Any excuse will serve a tyrant. Aesop }"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six- pack." }"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" W. C. Fields }She's genuinely bogus. }"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" -- Foghorn Leghorn }Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. }Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". Dave Parnas }Be different: conform. }You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. }Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. }About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Herbert Hoover }It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. }While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. }Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. }Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz }PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. }Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana }If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? Art Hoppe }Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. Ronald Reagan, famous movie star }Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. }Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. }Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. }Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots }Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." }How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? }Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. }We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. }The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. }Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. }Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. }Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. }All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. Samuel Butler }Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. }Conceit causes more conversation than wit. LaRouchefoucauld }BLISS is ignorance }Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implementedit wasn't worth doing. }He hadn't a single redeeming vice. Oscar Wilde }Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.- H. L. Mencken }Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. }It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. }It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. Gore Vidal }Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. }Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. Donald Kaul }Vote anarchist }Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. }The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. }Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. W. C. Fields }Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. }Polymer physicists are into chains. }When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. }BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) }One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. }Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. Alan McKay }Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. }"Don't say yes until I finish talking." Darryl F. Zanuck }A city is a large community where people are lonesome together Herbert Prochnow }[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill }Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first. }One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. Mark Ardis }"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." Alexander Haig }If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. }"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." Lily Tomlin }All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. }Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. }The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. Glaser and Way }I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov }Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. }Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. }Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams }"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" The Brigader, "Dr. Who" }There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. }Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain }My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. }Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? }Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. }"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" }For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. H. L. Mencken }As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. Weisert }The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. }Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. }To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. Thomas Edison }Predestination was doomed from the start. }Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. }What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" }TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright }A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. }"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" }If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer }Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Noelie Altito }Optimization hinders evolution. }Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. }When all other means of communication fail, try words. }When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" }Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. }Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. }Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. }There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. Clint Eastwood }Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. }Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." }Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. }"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." Profesoor W. }Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. Steve Rubenstein }"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." }In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. }Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. }Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. }It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. Andrew Jackson }You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. }To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. }United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. Isaac Asimov }Honk if you love peace and quiet. }The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. John McNulty }Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. }Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. }Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. }BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." Jay Ward }Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gaultier }Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" }Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on gettingsome useful work done. }Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. }Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. }Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. }Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. }"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved" Mark Twain }"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." }If you cannot convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman }The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. }California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." Ed Moran }If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. }It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. }"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." }"Heisenberg may have slept here" }If I had any humility I would be perfect. Ted Turner }He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. }Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. }What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. }Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it. }The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. Henry Kissinger }Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. }Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. }Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! }The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. Merrick Furst }Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. }AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. }There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde }Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. }Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. }Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. }Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. }Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. }Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. }Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. }Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... }On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." Wolfgang Pauli }Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. }LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. }If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. }Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. }If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. Graham Summer }Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. }Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. }In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables. }You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. }The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. }Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. }Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. }Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. }I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. Lillian Hellman }Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. A. E. Newman }People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future. }Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. }Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde }Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" }Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. }Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. }They also surf who only stand on waves. }Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. }"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. George McGovern }You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. F. Allen }Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. Dick Brandon }Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. }Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. }It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. }Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. }Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83, Financial Post }Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. }Never try to outstubborn a cat. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? Elliot, "E.T." }Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. }I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. Galileo Galilei }Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. }Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. }Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" }Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. }Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. Ogden Nash }Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. Albert Einstein }Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. }Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. }"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." Winston Churchill }Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. Snoopy }Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. }The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. }"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" }I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }The steady state of disks is full. Ken Thompson }And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. }Once, adv.: Enough. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. }Trust everybody ... then cut the cards. }Two wrongs are only the beginning. }If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. }To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. }Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget. }Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. }Quality assurance dosen't. }The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. }Exceptions always outnumber rules. }To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research }No one is listening until you make a mistake. }He who hesitates is probably right. }The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. }If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine. }One child is not enough, but two children are far too many. }A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. }The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. }The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. }When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. }The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. }The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. }You never want the one you can afford. }Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. }If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone. }You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. }The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. }Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. }When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. }The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. }Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it. }Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. }Interchangable parts won't. }No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. }If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. }Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. }Progress is made on alternative Fridays. }No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. }The hidden flaw never remains hidden. }For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. }People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. }A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. }When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. }A free agent is anything but. }The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. }Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. }The one item you want is never the one on sale. }The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. }If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable. }I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. MILES DAVIS }I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH) }Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. HASSAN I SABBAH }Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash. BO DIDDLEY }The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. NIELS BOHR }Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE }The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. H P LOVECRAFT }Take what you can use and let the rest go by. KEN KESEY }Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves. LITTLE RICHARD }I never loved another person the way I loved myself. MAE WEST }Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. SIGMUND FREUD }When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one Ive never tried before. MAE WEST }Her life was saved by rock and roll. LOU REED }Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never had lit one. MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS }It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night. WILLIE SUTTON }Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. BILLY ROSE }The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. KARL MARX }If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. KARL MARX'S MOTHER }If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? RICHARD M NIXON }When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. AL CAPONE }Anything anybody can say about America is true. EMMETT GROGAN }Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT }If youve seen one city slum, you've seen them all. SPIRO AGNEW }If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all. RONALD REAGAN }Use it up ... Wear it out. Make it do ... Or do without. US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE }You cant underestimate the power of fear. TRICIA NIXON }The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. WAVY GRAVY }The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. BUCKMINSTER FULLER }Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER }You smash it - and I'll build around it. JOHN LENNON }College isnt the place to go for ideas. HELLEN KELLER }Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. ARTHUR C CLARKE }America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood? ALLEN GINSBERG }It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. RICHARD M NIXON }Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic. ARTHUR C CLARKE }Justice is incedental to law and order. J EDGAR HOOVER }Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. GROUCHO MARX }The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. ABBIE HOFFMAN }Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. PINK FLOYD }Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be when I grow up. PETER DRUCKER }How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all? FIRESIGN THEATER }I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. OSCAR WILDE }We are what we pretend to be. KURT VONNEGUT, JR }We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. OSCAR WILDE }The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but thats the way to bet. DAMON RUNYON }I could prove God statistically. GEORGE GALLUP }My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. ALBERT EINSTEIN }Real wealth can only increase. R BUCKMINSTER FULLER }Anyone can hate. it costs to love. JOHN WILLIAMSON }In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. JOHN LILLY }Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. GRAFFITI }The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. ALBERT EINSTEIN }Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. TALLULAH BANKHEAD }A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. GEORGE WALD }Dont lose Your head To gain a minute You need your head Your brains are in it. BURMA SHAVE }It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus. DEAN LATTIMER }Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. KEN WEAVER }We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish. JOHN CULKIN }Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find out the truth. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. OSCAR WILDE }The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. ALAN COULT }If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. STANLEY GARN }The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. FATHER ROBERT F CAPON }Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. RICHARD M NIXON }We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER }If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitiable. JOHN F KENNEDY }"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic." LEWIS CARROLL }It takes a long time to understand nothing. EDWARD DAHLBERG }To know the world one must construct it. CESARE PAVESE }Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. BULLWINKLE MOOSE }The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. TENESSEE WILLIAMS }An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name. RENE MAGRITTE }All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas. KINGFISH }He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. M C ESCHER }Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set. }Laws of Computer Programming (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. (8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2 }When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. CALVIN COOLIDGE }The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. PAUL ERLICH }If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ALBERT EINSTEIN }Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. JOSEPH FISCHER }Fourth Law of Thermodymanics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero. DAVID ELLIS }Frouds Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility: 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T R BUCKMINSTER FULLER }The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. J PAUL GETTY }Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. }Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used. }Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. }All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is impossible. }Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done. }Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. ABRAHAM KAPLAN }The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. ROGER LEVIAN }Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP) }Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. }If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. GERALD WEINBERG }Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. }Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. CONFUCIUS }Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. BOOK OF PROVERBS }It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. MARK TWAIN }The unnatural, that too is natural. GOETHE }I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure. GRAFFITI }I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it. SAMUEL GOLDWYN }He hasn't one redeeming vice. OSCAR WILDE }I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. GRAFFITI }(To Walter Cronkite): "Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street" - Neil Armstrong - }" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability" - George Bernard Shaw - }"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof" Ashley Montague - }"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks" T. S. Elliot - }"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood." D. B. Hudson - }Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in. }Civilization Law #1: Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them. }Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. }"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel" H. L. Mencken - }"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion" George Washington - }"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty." - Thomas Jefferson - }"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations" - Thomas Jefferson - }"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin - }"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried" - Thomas Jefferson - }"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles" - Pat Paulsen - }"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself" - Camus - }"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession of a deadly weapon!" - cartoon by S. Harris - }The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. }"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!" - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian - }"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer" - Morris Kingston - }"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head" - George Wallace - }"You don't have to explain something you never said" - Calvin Coolidge - }"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry" - Bismarck - }"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money" - Everett Dirksen - }"I like a man who grins when he fights." - Winston Churchill - }"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true." - Winston Churchill - }"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." - Winston Churchill - }"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - William Bragg - }"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die" - John W. Campbell - }"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest" - Thoreau - }Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over! }The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars. }After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done. }Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone. }There is no remedy for sex but more sex. }Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete. }Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. }Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. }What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. }Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. }"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought." - Albert Szent-Gyorgi - }"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals" - "Oh, Lucky Man" - }I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does just what I want, But only what I tell it. }"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels" - Goya - }"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it" - Gordon R. Dickson - }"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor." - Toynbee - }"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Walt Kelly (in POGO) - }"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." - M. Somerset Maugham - }"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." - Bert Lantz - }"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity." - Oscar Wilde - }"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire - }Ode to Turbulent Flow: Big whirls have little whirls Which feed on their velocity, And little whirls have lesser whirls And so on, to viscosity. }"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" - Heisenberg - }"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling" - R. Frost - }"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson - }WHAT THE HELL? This Muhmud Jamal guy...Police arrested him after a high speed chase in a stolen car, shot him as he tried to pull a gun, found rooms full of stolen goods in his apartment has now appeared in court pleading not guilty. }WHY DOGS BARK? A research team have found dogs bark because they want to. They did not take HECATESE into consideration. You see, Hecatese is a witch that prowls at night and only dogs can see. Therefore on a still night and your dog is barking at apparently nothing...you can be sure that Hecatese is on the prowl. Sweet Dreams! }LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE, YOUNG MAN. It might not work for you, but it has worked for Jeanne Louis Calment, of Arles, France. She ignored all those warnings about smoking and drinking. She still does it. She is 116 years old and in Guinness records for longivity. }MY EXPERIMENT HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND. That's what happened in a bee breeding experiment in Brazil in 1957. Some of the bees escaped. Now Killer Bees are entering North America. An advance swarm of 3,000 bees was discovered in Harlingen, Texas. The invasion has only started. }FIRE IS LIFE AND COMFORT But woodburning stoves are causing too much pollution. About 1,000,000 tons of wood are burned in more than 700,000 Bay Area stoves and fireplaces each year. And, according to officials, the burning of wood produces airborne carcinogens and other heavy pollutions. Please! If you must, curtail woodburning stoves, but let me still enjoy the warmth and tranquility of an open fireplace. }HEY GIRLS! I'M GOING TO DANCE FOR YOU....COMPLETELY NUDE. Eastern Onion Entertainment Services provides singing telegrams and other goofey stunts to those who want to surprise someone. This male appears in women's clothing stores and says he's from Eastern Onion then proceeds to strip to the buff and dance before the female audience (even if they protest). Has happened in San Jose, Los Altos, Pleasanton and Mountain View. Eastern Onion doesn't know who in the hell the guy is. }THE FAMILY HOUR Larry and Carol Lasiko sat down with their children for a family viewing of The Story of Buttons the Bear, Rusty the Fox, and their Easter Adventures. What came on the screen? A STEAMY HARD CORE PORN. Summit Media Corporation is recalling over 20,000 copies of "Buttons". }IT'S ABOUT YOUR DRIVING. CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE? Seems Luis Bacardi is dubbed one of the worst drivers in Florida. Has been convicted 8 times for speeding, five times for running traffic signals, 3 times for reckless driving and has had his license suspended 11 times and revoked 4 times. How many times wasn't he caught? }AND MORE ABOUT COPS I guess that in California, patrolman Tony Gubler can be named CHP cop of the year. In one month he issued 778 citations on the Orange Freeway near Santa Ana. "Just doing my job," says Gubler. }MARIN JUDGES JUST WON'T BUY YOUR TRAFFIC EXCUSES. So you get a ticket and go to court thinking the judge will be lenient because you took the time to appear. Uh! Uh! Out of 4,320 people appearing before Marin judges, only 193 got off the hook. }7 COME 11 Ya goin to go to Vegas or Reno to break the bank? Well, think twice. Nevada Casino's grossed 5.24 billion dollars from folks like us who feel lucky. }OUR GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AT WORK The U.S. Postal Service says the IRS owes $2 million for under- paying its postage bill. The IRS said they did not understand the complex regulations on certified mail. }ANOTHER WAY TO UTILIZE SOCKS There had been a few stories how males have utilized their socks. Now, a Michigan AIDS prevention group has come up with another idea. They are marketing a line called Safe Sox. Has a flapped pocket on one ankle where you can carry a condom. }THE WHOLE JURY HAS TO LOOK AT MY PENIS? In Athens, Georgia, a man tried for the molestion of a 16 year old boy had to drop his pants in front of the whole jury to prove his innocence. The boy testified the molester was circumsized. The accused had to prove he was not guilty because he had a foreskin. Not guilty! }NO FIREWORKS! The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. }POLICE TAGGED HIM THE ENEMA BANDIT True! A 30 year old man was arrested in Glen Ellyn, Illinois and charged with breaking in apartments and robbing people. If the victim was a woman, he would give her an enema. }CRAYOLAS KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES High-Tech hues and metallic sheen are amongst the crayons you can buy today. These are special effect crayons according to the Crayola company. Just the right colors for rockets, satellites, and space stations, things kids are drawing now-days. As with the cost of high technology, these crayons will cost about 40% more. }WHY DO JAPANESE KEEP BUYING GOLF GOURSES? Good Biz. This is according to Japanese buyer Hidechika Kabayashi. Mathematics are as follows: Purchase Price $ 18.2 million Improvements 11.8 million TTL$ $ 30.0 million Memberships @ $50,000 ea $50.0 million Profit $ 20 million In Japan, golf club memberships can cost $165,000. }WOULD PG&E LIKE TO HARNESS ALL THE SUN'S ENERGY? They'd drool. In each second the sun gives off enough energy to illuminate 2,600 Earths filled with 200 watt lightbulbs. Generates a staggering four hundred trillion watts of power every second. }JUST A COUPLE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S SAYINGS FOR YOU TO DIGEST 1. "Fish and visitors smell in three days." 2. "Whate'er's begun in anger ends in shame." 3. "Most people repay small favors, acknowledge middling ones, and repay great ones with ingratitude." }THE MAN WHO PERFORMED HIS OWN LOBOTOMY He was really screwed up but not enough to institutionalize. One day, while real depressed, he told his mother he would like to die. Guess Mom had had it up to here with her kid so she says, "If your life is so wretched, just go shoot yourself. George, (the males name) thought it was a good idea. He stuck a 22 rifle barrel in to his mouth and pulled the trigger. The bullet took out the part of his brain that was raising all of the hell and George lived. George is now in college leading a normal life. Physicians Weekly referred to George's suicide as "successful radical surgery." }EVEN A MUGGER CAN HAVE A BAD DAY This one did. Mugged a Mrs. Hollis Sharpe of Los Angeles as she walked her poodle. Made off with her handbag that carried nothing but a bag of shit she'd just cleaned up after her dog. }INVENTING THE GADGET FOR GIVING A NEW SENSATION Police near St. Petersburg, Florida answered a call for an unconscious man. Their report showed he'd knocked himself out with some electrical equipment he had been toying with. Seems he had assembled a radio transmitter (with Morse Code key), a rheostat set at 12 volts and an earphone jack.......all connected to his penis. Couldn't find charges to arrest him on. }CHRIST! WHAT A SENSATION! That's what they're saying about the new stand-up roller coaster at Great America. 91 feet tall, one-third of a mile long. Cost $5.5 million to build. Oh! The ride lasts 90 seconds and costs $21. }STUDY OR DIE William Sagle, a Samford Alabama University debate coach was given a life sentence for stabbing to death his star student because he wasn't adequately prepared for the competition. }YOU CAN'T LOAD IT THAT WAY A 21 year old man was charged with public indecency after allegedly placing his penis in a jar of coleslaw dressing. Happened at a K-Mart in Downers Grove, Illinois. }HE WAS THERE THE LAST TIME I LOOKED... In Abilene Kansas, a jail supervisor didn't notice that two of his prisoners were missing. In fact, he didn't notice it until eight days after their escape. Naturally, Bob Meadows, the jailer is now seeking employment in another line of work. }CAN A DOG SUE? Democratic Representative of Jersey City, N.J. Went quail hunting with some other political cronies, and he really pulled a boo-boo. Shot the hunting dog in the ass. The dog is reported in good shape. }NEW CALIFORNIA LOTTO GAME It starts Sunday. This lotto card only has 39 numbers. Pick the six drawn and win a half a million bucks. Get five, win $2,000. Officials hope this will boost saging lottery sales. }THE FUNDALMENTALISTS DO IT AGAIN Pumsey, a blue hand-puppet dragon has been used in the 3rd - 5th grade elementary school in Madera to help improve a childs self- image. The kids read, sing, and discuss situations Punsey gets into. Such phrases used: "I am me, I am enough, I can choose how I feel." The Fundamentalists say no, no... it is teaching them they don't need God in their lives, and that they can solve problems without God's help. }WELCOME TO THE FRIENDLY SKIES It's Japanese ingenuity. Nippon Airways will provide video games to travellers, both children and adults, to help them while the time away on long trips. }WHAT TO DO WITH OLD BOWLING BALLS It's not exactly recycling. In Thousand Oaks, six bowling balls have been rolled down a street near Meadows Elementary school, reaching speeds of 50 - 60 miles per hour. So far, no one has been hurt. }FEAR OF BRIDGES? About 10% of the people have phobias of crossing bridges, say the Phobia Center of Marin. They are starting a workshop called "Bridging Your Fears." Anxiety management and other problems will be discussed. }OH YOU PLAYFUL KIDS A student working in a steam room at Central Michigan University discovered in a locker 1,117 pairs of women's underpants, 79 brassiers and two pairs of women's gym shorts. No one is showing up to claim them. }LOCO IN LAS CABESAS? A 19-year-old car was stolen in Baton Rouge, Louisana. The only catch, there were no forward gears. The thieves had to drive it in reverse (which they did) to a service station to get gas. Police arrested them there. }SUDAFED AND PUDDING RECALLED Sudafed has been pulled of of store shelved because of tampering. Someone is loading them with cyanide. So far two people have died. Jell-O Cook 'n Serve chocolate pudding has also been recalled because metal fragments have been found in some of the boxes. }CLOBBERED WITH A SALAMI? NOPE! TRY KANGAROO TAILS In Alice Springs, Australia, three officers were attacked by 15 aborigines carrying frozen kangaroo tails purchased at a local store. The tails won't be introduced as evidence as they were eaten. They are a dietary staple for the natives. }YOUR WIFE'S HAVING A BABY.....NOT YOU! Men with pregnant wives can suffer a couple of months of nausea, insomnia, exhaustion and weight loss according to a study done at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford, Connecticut. Expectant fathers can have sympathy symptoms known as coluvade syndrome. }TAKEN FROM THE GRAB BAG Ernest Vincent Wrights 1939 novel "Gadsby" is the longest example in English writing without an 'e". Went 50,000 words without using this vowel. }LIQUOR IS QUICKER ...To cause riots in Russia. The vodka shortage has created rationing but some still find the shelves empty. They are venting their anger by rioting. }THE REWARD WAS FINDING IT "I don't care about the reward." said Cecil Hodder after finding a 2,000 year old treasure trove of coins, ingots and bracelets in England. It was the greatest hoard of Celtic gold and silver found in England. "All I'm interested in is history, and I don't want to be pestered by any more reporters." The treasure becomes the property of the British government. }WOMEN JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT In Wichita, Kansas, a man was charged wilth assult and battery on his girlfriend, stemming, according to police, from her inability to buy a winning lottery ticket. Every time she scratched a losing ticket, the guy smacked her. She lost five times. }CURRENT LIST OF RECALLED CARS (Ho hum!) 24,000 '91 Ford Explorers Fuel tank problems. 6,424 Mazda Navajos Trailer hitch reinforcement 13,400 Lincoln Town Cars Fuel lines 8,000 Probe GL Safety belt. }JUST LET US DO OUR OWN THING That's what the Boy Scouts of America wants. Two girls qualifying for Eagle Scouts found this coveted award is only given to males. "It's not allowed and it won't be allowed," said Donald York, Scout executive for the Nevada Area Scout Council. "This is BOY Scouts of America and it's been that way for 80 years". Now the ALCU is involved. }LESS TEENS BOOZING AND DRIVING For the first time fewer than one in five young drivers in fatal crashes have been drinking, federal safety researchers said Thursday. Education and stricter laws have been responsible. }HANG ON TO THOSE BASEBALL CARDS The one depicting Honus Wagner (Pittsburgh Pirates about 1910) brought $451,000 at a recent Sotheby"s auction. It was sold to Wayne Gretzky and Bruce McNail, Los Angeles Kings hockey team. It is the highest price ever paid for sporting memorabilia. }GO TO HELL! Accordinmg to the info from Steve Rubenstein, polesters, after a recent survey, found that 78 percent believe in Hell but only 4% think THEY are going there. "Hell is for the other guy." }"THIS IS DIAL-A-PORN. GIVE YOUR NAME AND PASSWORD." Could end up being like bulletin boards. You will have to sign up to gain access. "Give your 'REAL' name please." This was tried on east coast dial-a-porns...They went out of business almost immediately. }DO JOCKS NEED JOCKSTRAPS? Not according to urologist Herbert Sohn, past president of the American Society of Urologists. He suggests just using briefs. Think it has been proven that keeping testicles too high or tightly contained can cause temporary impotence or temporary sterility. }HERE'S ANOTHER "HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET?" Thomas Peedin, 18 stole a car with a cellular phone. The cops get the bright idea to call him. He answers. Cop: "I hear you got a car you want to get rid of. I want to look it over. Meet me in the parking lot at Sunset and High in 5 minutes." The rendezvous was made and Peedin was arrested. }OWN YOUR OWN PATRIOT MISSILE It's a 10th scale model. Will launch to 400 feet in the air with solid fuel engines. Costs $23.99 and in most toy-hobby shops. Sales are booming. }BIG MAMA Atlanta, Georgia police arrested a 34-year-old 5'1" 350 pound woman for selling drugs. A search turned up a pistol hidden under her left breast and $2000 in cash completely hidden in the fat folds of her abdomen. }ONLY WHEN I LAUGH Remember the story? A settler is impaled by an Indian's arrow. He was still conscious and when asked if 'it hurt', he replied, "Only when I laugh." Well......In Portland, Maine, Alfred Judd, a high school student was impaled by a javelin. It punctured his abdomen, passed through a kidney and got stuck in his back. He pulled it out, walked back to the school for help. Went through six hours of exploritory surgery. He is reported in satisfactory condition. } (As seen in an amusement park trade journal) WORLDS TALLEST WOODEN ROLLER COASTER 6 Flags Theme Park, Arlington, Texas Length of Track 4,920 feet Height of lift hill 143 feet Features: 137 foot first drop 53 degreee angle 60 degree banking on turns G-forces to 2.7 G. 62 MPH max. speed. Ride time 2.5 minutes Covers 2.9 acres Cost 5-million to build. Not for those with weak, nervous bladders, or stomachs. }MAMA KNOWS BEST Two Red Robin restaurant workers in Seattle didn't seem to think so. This 9 months pregnant women (after lugging the kid around in her tummy all day) decides to relax and drop in for a strawberry daiquari. The two employees, appalled by the "Alcohol can cause birth defects" warning, didn't want to serve her. Suggested a virgin daiquari. Didn't work, so the employee put the sign, "ALCOHOL CAN CAUSE BIRTH DEFECTS" on her table and refused to serve her. The pregnant woman turned to her friend and mentioned the baby was past due. One of the employees said, "The baby was past due and had had its chance." Anyways, both employees were fired, a health baby was delivered shortly after, and there was a very upset customer..Didn't say if an attorney had been chosen. }ALIASES, DISGUISES AND MURDER. SHE'S KNOWN AS BAT GIRL Sacramento police are looking for athletic 20-year-old Michelle Cumminsky. She's tall, green eyed and has a ring of bats tattooed around her left upper arm. On her neck is a tattoed vampire bite complete with blood drippings. Police have named her Bat Girl and she is wanted for questioning for two possible murders in the Sacramento area. }JUST TWO POOR BABIES In Mountain View a local bar is being sued by two Hells Angels who claimed they were "unduly embarrassed and exposed to public ridicule" when they were refused entry by employees who didn't like their motorcycle club insignia. Probably stood outside and really bawled. Their feelings were apparently hurt so bad that they have hired an attorney to sue the Sports Page bar. }COOL CAR Mazda Motor Corp. said it has joined a Japanese electric company in developing rooftop solar cells to generate electricity to ventilate a car or recharge its battery when parked. No more burning your butt while sitting, or hands on hot steering wheels. }BEAUTIFUL FEATHERS, GREAT SPORT TO SHOOT That's what almost make the California Condor extinct. Another chick was hatched at San Diego Wild Animal Park. It now makes a known count of 43 living Condors. When I was small there were three taxidermist shops in my home town and each supported a stuffed condor in its window. Taxidermy is almost a lost art now days. A very unpopular trade to most people. }LEARN A TRADE THAT WILL MAKE YOU BIG MONEY Students taking print shop in Mannington Township, N.J. had the right idea until they got caught. They were printing and passing fake $10 and $20 dollar bills. Very entrepreneurial while it lasted. }DARK DANTE (KEVIN POULSEN) CAUGHT Kevin Poulsen a.k.a. Dark Dante, wanted so badly by the F.B.I. that his story was recently shown on 'Unexplained Mysteries' was apprehended in Los Angeles. Poulson, 25, a hero to hackers, among other charges, broke into Army's MASNET, the Soviet Consulate, Pac Bell, Univ. of So. Cal. plus 18 other counts of telecommunications fraud. Dropped out of sight for almost a year, was caught last Thursday at a supermarket. }A PATRIOTIC WHOREHOUSE Joe Conforte, brothel manager and former owner of the Mustang Ranch in Nevada has offered free 24-hour take-out date to servicemen returning from the Persian Gulf. So far, over a hundred takers. }YOU GONNA BUY A HUMVEE? WHAT'S A HUMVEE? It's that rugged vehicle used in the Gulf, replacing the Jeep. Can drive over fallen trees and through 2 feet of mud. It is ruled street legal. Could appear in showrooms for civilian purchase. No price as yet. }SPIDERS ALL OVER THE PLACE. HELP! Six downtown buildings in Los Angeles are crawling with dangerous spiders from South America. Called the loxosceles laeta (aka South American Violin Spider), officials are asking how they got there. The spiders bite can cause permanent scarring. In some countries, its bite has led to death. Shall we review the movie Arachnaphobia? }"SINCE WE'RE NEIGHBORS, LET'S BE FRIENDS." A Pulitzer prize has been awarded to the Wall Street Journal about the human suffering that went on behind Safeway's leveraged buyout by Kohlberg Kravis Roberts Company. This outfit immediately closed over 1000 stores leaving about 63,000 people out of work. Slashed wages from $12.09 an hour to $6.50. One worker suicide reported, there were probably more. "SINCE WE'RE NEIGHBORS, LET'S BE FRIENDS" ......Safeway }IS IT A DEMOCRACY WHEN THE F.B.I. CLOSES BAY AREA BOOKSTORES? The FBI and Federal Marshalls have closed five Bay Area book stores and movie theaters for selling pornographic material. Apparently they have become guardians of the written word (and visual viewing) of what we MAY and MAY NOT see. This comes from an Examiner editorial. Bulletin boards next? }THIS IS B-I-G.....AND I MEAN GOD-DAMNED B-I-G. Out in space of course. Astronomers have found a mysterious object about 100 BILLION times as massive as the sun. They say it is either the largest black hole ever discovered or a completely new phenomenon. The objects mass is roughly equal to that of all the stars in the Milky Way galaxy. This was reported in April's issue of the Astro- physical Journal. }DO YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE GENERAL CUSTER? Seems the general did. When Custer rode into battle at Little Big Horn his life was insured for $5000 from New York Life Insurance Company. }UNDERSTANDABLE ACTION..BUT STILL ARRESTED Pissed off at his computer, a 35-year-old New Jersey man pumped 8 shots into it using a 44-Magnum automatic. Was surprised when he was arrested. Couldn't see why it was illegal to deal such justice in his own manner even it if was an illegal discharge of a firearm. }HE JUST WANTED A BANK LOAN In Washington, D.C., A robed man carrying a shepard's staff entered a bank and asked for a loan for religious purposes. The branch manager wasn't impressed. Called the cops. Police could find no charges to arrest this person who called himself King A.A. Zodiac XV. }DAYS WHEN THINGS GO WRONG This thief in New York city, after robbing a grocery store of $200, tried to jump a fence in his getaway. Pants got caught leaving him stuck, hanging face down, and bare ass naked. The fence partitioned the police station. 20 cops with drawn guns made the arrest. }THAT CRACKER JACK PRIZE An 8-year-old girl in Huntington, W.Va., got a special prize out of her Cracker Jack box. It was a small booklet titled "Erotic Sex Positions Around The World." Only an inch square, the book was still large enough to have detailed drawings of people in various sex acts in various positions. The little girl asked her mommy if it was 'an exercise book'. }NEVER BE IDLE TOO LOMG We're talking about your car. CSAA says, "Don't let your car idle in traffic for more than a minute. Idling consumes a half gallon to a gallon of gas per hour and wastes more gas than restarting the engine. }THE HANDICAP SCAM DMV is becoming very concerned about its parking permits for the handicapped. Seems counterfeiters are showing up and a handicapped parking sign can sell for as high as $250.00. And, as the CHP is finding out, if a handicapped loved one dies the sign is sometimes not turned in. Family members keep it and continue to use it. }ANOTHER MILLION OR MORE TO MADE WITH A SCREWY IDEA? Well, those round, plastic strainers that sit in the bottom of urinals can now come with any printed face that you provide. Made by a company called Urinique produces. This is from Herb Caen. }"I MURDERED A WOMAN" Radio station KROQ in Los Angeles used to have this talk show called "Confessions". People would call in their confessions and, I guess, listeners could phone in comments. All went well until a male calls and confesses he has murdered a woman. The show was immediately discontinued, leaving many shocked listeners and national publicity. Police made an investigation. It was a hoax put on by the D.J.'s. Now, pissed off police are going to bill the radio station for their investigative time. }THIS IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO THE OTHER GUY Say, like locking yourself out of your car. If it is any consolation, CSAA (nationally) answers about 1,000 lockouts a day. And, if lockout costs are figured up for an annual total, it costs about six and a half million bucks for peoples stupidity. Keep an extra key handy. }IS HE STILL A MAN? Being a robber can be injurious to your health. In Pittsburgh, Pa., a gunman held up a gas station then tucked the pistol in his belt. The gun discharged and the man ran away screaming real loud. Did he lose 'em?? }YOUNG RUSSIAN COUPLE ASKS FOR PROTECTION At Shannon, Ireland a young Russian couple asked immigration for protection. They were whisked away and questioned by the authorities. The protection they were seeking was a box of condoms. }AND SPEAKING OF CONDOMS In Roman Catholic Ireland, the sale of condoms is forbidden except to married couples, and then only by a doctors prescription. }PIZZA MAKERS COULD BE OBSOLETE Now it's automated pizza. All mechanical. Not only that, it is voice activated. Will start making your pizza at your verbal command. It's called the Pizzabot. Mechanical arms do the work spreading the sauce and adding the toppings. One counter person supervises the whole operation. His only job is to remove it from the oven and collect your dough. }HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE NAME "CHAKA" Too many people have. It can be seen from Los Angeles to San Francisco, painted by the most notorious graffiti artist ever. Daniel Ramos, 18, has been arrested for his vandalism and pleaded no contest to the charges. "It's the worst case of graffiti vandalism we have ever heard of anywhere in the nation," says James Hahn, city attorney. }IT'S FIRST CLASS OR NOTHING Ambassador Limousene Service advertises that its cars are available for all occasions. So this guy hires a 1991 white stretch limo and has the driver wait as he robs a bank. James Thomas Moore was taken into custody and is suspected of 21 other bank robberies. }CHILD ABUSE According to The U.S. Advisory Board on Child abuse, sexual abuse of children increased 233% in the decade ending in 1986. 340,000 cases were reported for 1989. Studies show that one in five girls and one in eleven boys are molested by the time they are 16 years old. }HOW TO RESTRAIN A ROBBERY VICTIM Usually, during holdups, robbers have victims lie on the floor, lock them in rooms or in the safe, if it is a bank. Here's a new twist. When Samuel's Rug Gallery in West Hollywood was held up, they rolled the guy up in a rug. }An ode to Dvorak: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books Not realizing that they've been had." } "What I think is this; all the misconceptions about sexuality will straighten out if everyone simply grows up. For a grown-up human being, what's good in bed is to be with another human being one truly cares about. And, what one cares about in bed is exactly the same as what one cares about out of bed... honesty, imagination, a little mischief, and a lot of kindness." }All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python's Flying Circus. }"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth }God wants to go on a vacation so he asks St.Peter where he should go. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Jupiter?" "No, No, too much gravity there, too much stomping around." "Why don't you go to Mercury?" "No, No, way too hot." "Why don't you go to Earth?" "No! No! They have too much gossip! I had an affair with a Jewish lady over 2000 years ago and they are *still* talking about it." }From hell!bigguy Fri Nov 11 17:06:58 1988 Received: by polyslo (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88) id AA21304; Fri, 11 Nov 88 17:06:49 PST Received: by hell.calpoly.EDU (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88) id AA07461; No Time like the Present... Date: Timelesness Sender: cthluhusys From: Satan (The UnNamable One) Message-Id: <42@Hell> Subject: Reservations Apparently-To: you Status: RO Our records down here show you to arrive some time next week. Reservations have been made in advance in your behalf. Please inform the receptionist upon arrival. We look forward to your stay. }This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know what pot smells like". I told him I used to use it before I was nominated to the Supreme Court. } Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live. After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday." }Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation). Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on." } A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly. "I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while." }Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second... }Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. } When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management }I hear that the guards at Los Alamos National Laboratory have gone on strike. I would imagine that this means that the facility is sitting there unguarded. Of course, crossing the picket line is a real bitch... }A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?" "You have a mistress, now do you!!?" }The government has called off martial law in China. They have now established Peter Marshall law. They will ask the students several questions and if they don't answer correctly, the government gets the square. }Q: How many Exxon captains does it take to make an oil spill? A: One and a fifth. }I will not be indexed, filed, stamped, numbered, briefed, debriefed; I am not a number! I am a free man! - The Prisoner }"Throughout the early Christian period, every great calamity -- famine, earthquake, and plague -- led to mass conversions, another indirect influence by which epidemic diseases contributed to the destruction of classical civilization. Christianity owes a formidable debt to bubonic plague and to smallpox, no less than to earthquake and volcanic eruptions." --- Hans Zinsser, Rats, Lice and History, 1934 }"You want nuclear power? We own the reactors." "You want oil? We own the wells." "You want hydroelectric power? We own the dams." "You want coal? We own the mines." "You want solar power? We own the --" "Solar power is not feasible." }A closed mouth gathers no feet. }A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. }A king's castle is his home. }A penny saved is ridiculous. }All that glitters has a high refractive index. }Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. }Anarchy is better that no government at all. }Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. }As you read the scroll, it vanishes... }Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. }Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. }Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. }Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. }BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. }Computer hackers do it all night long. }Computer modelers simulate it first. }Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. }Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. }Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. }Courage is your greatest present need. }CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. }Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. }Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. }Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. }Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... }Don't force it, get a larger hammer. }Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. }Drive defensively -- buy a tank. }Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. }Entropy isn't what it used to be. }Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. }Familiarity breeds children. }God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. }Going the speed of light is bad for your age. }GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. }He who hesitates is sometimes saved. }Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. }Help support helpless victims of computer error. }Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. }History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. }I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. }If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. }If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! }In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. }It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein }It works better if you plug it in. }It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. }Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. }KODACLONE - duplicating film. }Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. }Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. }Life's a bitch, then you die. }Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. }Mediocrity thrives on standardization. }MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. }Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. }Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. }Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. }QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. }QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. }Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. }Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. }Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. }Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. }SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. }SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. }The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. }The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. }The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. }The road to to success is always under construction. }Those who can't write, write help files. }To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. }To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. }Today is the last day of your life so far. }TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. }Wasting time is an important part of life. }When all else fails, read the instructions. }When in doubt, don't bother. }Xerox does it again and again and again and... }XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. }YTERM - A terminal program for queries. }When in doubt, ignore it. }I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. }"Hey Mike?" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." "Blessit! Lemme check..." "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." "There, that ought to patch it." }The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go, John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no, in China they only persecute intellectuals'. }An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." }A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following: Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?" Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens." } Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape. But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making pornographic films." The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered item under a homeowner's policy. (But exactly what DOES that policy cover anyway???) }"Hi! Do you know me? Well, many people do. But they don't always realize how smart I really am. That's why I carry the Mensa Impress Card (tm). When I was Governer of New Hampshire, battling wits with Michael Dukakis over nuclear power, everyone thought I was brilliant. But these days, when it comes to cutting taxes, increasing spending, and balancing the budget all at the same time, people sometimes question my intellect. They start confusing me with the Vice President. At those crucial moments, all I have to do is mention Mensa Impress (tm). It makes pushing a budget as easy as influence peddling!" - John Sununu The Mensa Impress Card (tm). Don't go to Washington without it. }This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction." On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander. Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!" Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis. }The Joys of Aging I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I awake, Will Power helps me out of bed. When he leaves I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and ready to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a day! }The Pessimist's guide to Engineer-talk. (what they say - what they mean) "That's interesting" - Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before. "We'll just run diagnostics" - I wonder if that'll give us a clue. "So we've eliminated XXX" - It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at. "I've just powered it down" - I tripped over that bloody power cord again }The Pessimist's guide to Engineer-talk. (what they say - what they mean) "Ok, that's good" - What the hell was that noise?!? "We've noticed some failure evidence" - Something's burning... "If you'll just..." - I don't want to be the one to blame when it crashes "Yes, you'd expect to see that..." - Hell, that's stuffed as well! "We'll just fit a revision" - We'll put the same version in from a different tape. }Heard several years ago on a religious television station in Atlanta, Georgia: "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Praise the Lord and stay tuned." }When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" }An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. }A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. } I had this experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" }I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" }Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" }A friend of mine reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. } Here's a true story related to me by my mother, which she says happened to one of her neighbors in a Venezuelan oil camp in the 50's: It seems that a certain woman kept the ashes of her dearly departed father in a silver box on a table. One day, after not having looked at her "father" for a long time, she opened the box and was horrified to discover it was nearly empty! Furious, she accosted the maid and demanded to know "have you touched this box?" Whereupon the maid protested "I didn't think you'd mind! After all, it's very poor quality snuff." }During the ex-president Reagan's routine medical check-up, physicians at the Mayo clinic were surprised to find brain in his fluids. A weekend surgery is scheduled to remove it. }The following joke is being told by the Belgian comedian Urbanus van Anus: Yesterday I met a person who said, "Hey, did you know that since your show started on television, TV sales have doubled?" I beamed proudly, until he said, "Yes, I sold mine, too." }Heard this morning, September 5, on KDMG, Des Moines: This morning's trivia question was "Does a deer have a gall bladder?" A hunter calls in and answers "No, a deer doesn't." After the usual chit-chat, the announcer trys to get a cheap plug out of the guy "What radio station are you listening to this morning!" "Uh," the hunter pauses, "This one?" And this genius is walking around with a gun? } Top 10 Iranian T-shirt Slogans 10. IRAQ Busters 9. Surf Straits of Hormuz 8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists and all I got was this lousy T-shirt 7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue 6. Official veil inspector 5. Kiss me I'm a walking time bomb 4. I've been tested for sand chiggers 3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but it sure helps 2. If you don't ride a camel you ain't shiite 1. Spuds Khomenini: The original party animal -- David Letterman }Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. }You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. It will be yours for the entire period this time around. }You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn new lessons. You may like the lessons or find them irrelevant and stupid. }There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "succeeds." }A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. You can then go on to the next lesson. }Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. }"There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here." }Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. }What you make of your life is up to you. You have all of the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. }Your answers are inside you. The answers to life's questions are inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. }You will forget all this. }"Bob" is everywhere... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $$$ $$ $ $ $$$$ $$$$%$$$ $ $ $$ $$$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $$$$%%$$$ $ $ $$ $$$ $ $$ $ $ $$$ $$$$$%%$$$$ $ $ $ $$ $ $$$ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$$%%%$$$$$ $$$$ $ $ $$ $ $$$$$ $$ $$$$$ $$$$$$%%%$$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%%$$%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%$$%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$%$$$ $$$$$$%$$%%%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$%%$$$ $$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$%%$$$ $$$$$$$%%% $$$$$$$$ $$$%%$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$%%$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %%% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$%%%% $$$$ %% $$$$%$$ $ $$$%%%% $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$%% $$$$$$$ $$$ $$%%% $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$%% $$$$$$ $$$$ %%% $$$ $$$$ $$%% $$$$$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $%% $$$$$$ $$$$ %%% $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ %%% $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ % $$$$$ $$$$ $$$ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$$$ $ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$ $ $$$ %%%$$$ %% $$$ $$$$ $$$$ %%%% $$ %%%%%% %%% $$$$ $$$$ %%% %%%%% $ %%%%%%% $$$$ $$$$ %%%%% $$ %%% $$ $ $$ $ %% $ $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $ $ $$ $ %$ $$ $ $ $ $ %%$ $$$$ $$$ $$ $ %%% $ $ $$ $$ $$ $ %%%% $ $$$ $$ $ $ $$$ $$ %%%% $$$ $$$ $$$ $ $ $$$ $$ %%%$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$%%% $$$$$$$$$$ $ $$$$$$$ %%%%%%%%%%%%% $$$$$$$$$ $ $$$$$$ %%$$$$%%%% $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$ %$$$$$$$$% $$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$ $$$ $$ $ %$$$$ $$ $$$$ $ $ %%%%$$$%$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$ $$ %%%%$$$$ $$ $$$$ $$ $$ %%$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $ $$$$$%%%%%%%%% $$$$ $$ $$ $$$$$ $$$ $ $ $$$$ $$$ $$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $ $$$$ $$$ $$ $$ $$$$$ $$ $$$ $ $$ $$ $$$$$$ $$$ $$$ $ $$$$ $$ $$$$$$ $$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ $ $$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ }If you act like a dumbshit, they'll treat you as an equal. - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs }You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than *that*. - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs }Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit the Frog }Time flies when you're not paying attention. }Principal Larry Graham of Pavilion Central School in rural New York imposed a rule forbidding "overt displays of affection beyond handholding." He said the behavior of his students had become an embarrassment. When students protested he assured them that hugging will be allowed when the home team wins. }The city council of Rocky River, Ohio voted to drop an ordinance that allows only U.S. citizens to run game parlors. But mayor Earl Martin didn't want foreigners corrupting the local youth with their Space Invaders and Pac Man games. That's a job for Americans! He vetoed the measure. "We just want someone in charge who knows what the laws are," Martin said. "We don't expect a foreigner to know and defend these laws. They have taken no oath to the Constitution." }Westport, Connecticut officials won't grant Arnold Kaye a liquor licence because his store is within 1500 feet of another establishment that has a liquor licence. People can buy beer in the delicatessen part of his store but can't drink it there, and they can bring in their own beer and wine when they eat in the restaurant part, but they can't buy beer in the deli and drink it in the restaurant! Kaye got fed up with the silly rules and started giving away beer and wine by the case. So far, that's not illegal. }Under Vermont law dead animals are considered solid waste and should be incinerated or tossed into an approved landfill. But when state inspectors ordered a vetrinary clinic to clean up a pit that it had been using to bury dead pets, someone pointed out that the state wildlife department had 40 such pits for deer, moose, and other "road kills." Somehow that's different. State officials are rewriting the rules so that a loophole is left for themselves. }The Soviet Union recently disclosed that 20% of its people live in poverty. Its satellie Hungary has confessed to a 25% poverty rate. By contrast, the U.S. official poverty rate is 13.5%. A family of four falls below the Soviet poverty line if they live on less than $500 a month. In the U.S., a family of four is considered to be living in poverty is they live on less than $1007 per month, or twice as much. }February 21, 1989 Dear Sirs: Please cancel my subscription to PC World. I work in the microcomputer industry, and I thought that your magazine might offer me something in addition to PC Magazine, PC Tech Journal, and the other computer magazines to which I subscribe. After looking over the first issue, I have decided that there is nothing in your magazine that I don't already get from other sources. But the thing that really cinched my decision was the free "PC Tool Kit" which came with my subscription. What a complete piece of junk! When I first opened my "Tool Kit" I found that none of the tools would even fit into the handle, due to the fact that the flanges on the socket were so badly bent that nothing would fit into the socket until I spent half an hour with a pair of pliers straightening out the flanges. (my own pliers, not included with your kit.) The ratcheting mechanism on the handle dosen't work - I can't get it to stay locked in any position - so any of the tools that I place in it simply spin around uselessly. The machining on the Phillip's head screwdrivers is shoddy, to say the least, and the two flat blade screwdrivers are the same size. I assume that two flat blades were included so that when I first used one and it broke, I'd have a spare backup, which would also break. On a positive note: the zipper which closes the case works just fine, which is a good thing, since that's the position in which it will remain. Sincerely, Jeff Hunter Software Engineer }"She had her hands tied behind her back and was hung there on a tree. Her attackers used a three-foot long wooden club with a length of coarse rope tied to the end; the rope seemed to have been carefully soaked in water first. In the beginning the woman cried out sadly, but very quickly lost her breath and became completely silent. [He] could see only the faint twitching of the twisted little finger of her right hand ... only that slight trembling of one limb showed that she was not yet dead." - Chinese journalist Liu Binyan describing a woman being "criticized" by Communist Party officials in China. }One China expert, L. Ladany, estimates that between 1959 and 1962, starvation ended the lives of as many as 50 million Chinese, over eight times the number of Jews murdered by Hitler in Nazi Germany. This was the direct result of the Mao government's central planning. It was called "The Great Leap Forward." }In the mid-1970's the Khmer Rouge killed off 1/3 of the population of Cambodia. In many large cities there was not a single person left over the age of 16. }When Love is gone, there's always Justice. And when Justice is gone, there's always Force. And when Force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi Mom! - Laurie Anderson, O Superman }NUCLEAR MISSILE NEARLY LAUNCHED ITSELF Cheyanne, Wyo. (AP) -- In 1984 a malfunctioning Minuteman 3 nuclear missile gave every indication of imminently launching itself, so the Air Force hurriedly parked an armored vehicle atop its silo, a spokesman said. "If the launcher closure door opened up, the security police vehicle would have fallen on top of the missile and prevented it from going any place," Capt. Bill Kalton, a public affairs officer at Warren Air Force Base, said Tuesday. "It was not a major incident," Kalton said in response to a news account of the Jan 10, 1984 incident in today's Casper Star Tribune. "There was no chance of a missile launching," he said. Air Force officials did not report the incident to the Strategic Air Command which controls the bae, or to Congress, state and local officials, or the public, Kalton said. "Nobody has ever inquired about it," he said. }(article) -- "DELAWARE BILL URGES FLOGGING FOR DRUG DEALS" Dover, Del. (AP) -- Drug traffickers in Delaware, which outlawed public floggings less than 30 years ago, could be stripped to the waist and given 40 lashes if legislation introduced in the state Senate becomes law. Asked if corporal punishment might be viewed as a violation of the Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment, Senate Majority Leader Thomas Sharp said it shouldn't be in a society that permits executions. "I don't know why beating them is any worse." }(clip) -- GOLDEN, Colo. (AP) -- More than $1 million in gadgets, trinkets and more elaborate items -- such as a wine still, a grandfather clock and gold-painted phalluses -- were made over a 17-year period at the Rocky Flats nuclear weapons plant, according to a copyright story in the Boulder Daily Camera. }(from an advice column) -- My boyfriend and I have had sex several times and no protection was used. Now I think I'm pregnant because I get morning sickness, my stomach aches, and I have a strong desire for pickles and ice cream. }"Then he came back out. And I was sitting in a chair by the window and he started to walk across the room. I said, 'Oh my goodness, now he's coming over. What am I going to do?' ... And -- I realized then at that point that he actually wasn't coming over to see me, that he was going for the jelly beans." -- Fawn Hall describing an encounter with Ronald Reagan in the anteroom outside the Oval Office, to Barbara Walters. }"Why is sexual gratification nobler than economic gratification?" -- Judge Bork in his defense of a Connecticut law making private use of contraceptives a crime. }Fast Lane magazine asked 400 men between 18 and 34 what person they would like to be: 1. Oliver North 2. President Reagan 3. Clint Eastwood 4. Lee Iacocca Jesus Christ 5. Jon Bon Jovi 6. John D. Rockefeller }Police searching for a black man suspected of raping six elderly women since 1983 have been canvassing house-to-house with ink pads, urging black men to be fingerprinted to establish their innocence. Of the six rape victims, the first five were white. }The following list was found in the possession of a murder suspect: 1. Go to school 2. Leave at 11:45 3. Pull up at mom's house 4. Enter/greet mom 5. Go to the bathroom. 6. Prepare knife and handkercheif 7. Go directly to mom. 8. When back is turned 9. Cover her mouth 10. Stab until dead 11. Cut off her left hand }The rubber-stamp legislature [of Panama] is considering a law that would forbid making fun of the physical features of public officials. This is evidently an attempt to protect the feelings of Noriega, who calls himself the "General of Peace and Hope." Jokes about Noriega's acne- scarred complexion would presumably be outlawed, as would the commonly used nickname for him -- "pineapple face" -- and T-shirts featuring a pineapple with a red slash through it. }Over the past three years, the General Electric Co. had profits of $6.5 billion. It paid no federal income tax. Dow Chemical had profits of $776 million; Union Carbide, $613 million; W.R. Grace & Co., $684 million. None of them paid a dime in federal income tax. Together the four companies claimed refunds -- refunds, if you please! -- of more than half a billion dollars. }One-third of adult Americans questioned in an ABC News-Washington Post poll didn't know which side the United States supported in the Vietnam War and more than half didn't know what the war was about. }A Pentagon study of long-distance calls placed by the Defense Intel- ligence Agency shows that the super-secret military spy outfit spent $25,000 a month on calls to a New York City "Dial-a-Porn" number. }Former Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doc Ellis said he pitched his 1971 no- hitter while under the influence of LSD. }One of the Commerce Departments new rules is certain to raise eyebrows. Known officially as section 5999B of the Commodity Control List, it authorizes the unlicenced export to Australia, Japan, New Zealand and NATO member countries of items described as "specially designed implements of torture." When asked about the new category, one Commerce spokesman said that the implements included things like "thumbscrews and cattle prods -- just routine items for the police." }This year's new Baby Jesus Doll -- available in three models (Anglo, black, Hispanic) -- comes with battery-operated Glo-in-the-Dark halo. The cost: $31.50 }A 27-year old Phoenix man was killed yesterday when a saguaro cactus he shot fell on him, authorities said. }An applicant for federal employment read the question on an employment form: "Do you favour the overthrow of the government by force, subversion or violence?" He thought it was a multiple-choice question and answered "violence". }Journalist Karl Grossman stumbled upon NASA's plan to launch the next space shuttle [after the Challenger that blew up] with a payload containing 46.7 POUNDS of plutonium-238, the most toxic substance known to man. The Energy Department admits that a Galileo explosion could release about 57,000 curies of plutonium radiation -- theoretically enough to give 5 BILLION PEOPLE lung or bone cancer, under worst-case conditions. But the department won't declassify a study explaining what those conditions are. }The nation's largest bank corporation wasn't accepting the kind of deposits 3-year-old Kyle Harris made in the middle of its Piedmont branch. He had begged to use the bank bathroom, but was told it was against company rules. So the little Oakland boy pulled down his pants and urinated on the carpet. The bank canceled the family checking accounts. }Orlando police arrested Eddie Smith, in posession of a bag of small rocks, and charged him with posession of rock cocaine. Smith spent 92 days in jail awaiting trial. Crime lab technicians analyzed the four rocks and found them to be aquarium gravel. }WASHINGTON (UPI) -- Marijuana will be the nation's third-largest cash crop this year -- behind corn and soybeans -- with a value of more than $10 billion. }Patrick Henry, who said, "Give me liberty or give me death," owned 65 slaves. }Four Soviet soldiers who got lost on maneuvers in Czechoslovakia traded their tank to a tavern owner for two cases of vodka and were found two days later, sleeping in a forest. }Chief Justice William Rehnquist holds a deed for his summer home in Vermont prohibiting the sale of the property to blacks and "anyone of the Hebrew race." }A South African company is selling an anti-riot vehicle that plays disco music through a loudspeaker to soothe the nerves of would-be troublemakers. The vehicle, already bought by one nation, which the company did not identify, also carries a water cannon and tear gas. }Of Dartmouth seniors, 58% know what SDI stands for; 76% know what IUD stands for. }Huntsville, Tex. (UPI) Chester Lee Wicker flew into a rage hours before his execution, then quietly went to his death by injection.... Officials said they were unsure what triggered the outburst. }A Huguenot named Bernard Palisay expressed the opinion in 1589 that fossils were the remians of living critters. Those who didn't agree burned him at the stake. }King Merekek of Abyssinia wanted to follow in America's footsteps and electrocute his country's nastiest criminals, so he coughed up a bundle for a fancy electric chair. But when he got it, he realized he'd overlooked one thing -- there was no electricity in Abyssinia. So Abyssinia's killers continued to be dispatched in more traditional ways -- and Merekek used the electric chair as a throne. }The National Coalition on Television Violence (NCTV) has expressed concern over the violent programs aired on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), one of the largest cable TV networks in the nation. A recent NCTV study fount 17 of CBN's weekend broadcast hours contained the highest number of violent acts per hour of any network in America. Quite a few programs were also found to be high in alcohol portrayals and cigarette smoking. CBN defended its programming to NCTV saying it helps fund the CBN ministry and "thus brings more people to Christ." }It's said that the average child during the last 25 years spent more time with Mister Rogers than with the child's own father. }In June 1960 when President Eisenhower was visiting Okinawa, Communist-inspired riots and demonstrations took place. U.S. Marines were ordered to fix bayonets and clear away the crowd. Young Okinawan college girls are reported to have unbuttoned their blouses, bared their breases, and dared the Marines to advance against their naked bosoms. }[From a police handbook on riot control] "The advantages offered by use of obscuring smoke in suppressing violence and dispersing and controlling mobs and demonstrations are .... Members of the press, photographers, and TV cameramen who are unfavorable to the police will have little opportunity or ability to take pictures depicting 'police brutality.'" }"One of my best customers was Ferdinand Marcos," he said, "But I haven't heard from him in a while." Burgess was one of the 40 exhibitors displaying an unusual collection of firepower Saturday during a Boy Scout-sponsored gun show in San Luis Obispo. }NEW YORK (AP) -- Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a new poll. }A San Francisco man -- wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun -- impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months, checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game warden out of "boredom and drugs." He said he inspected more than 200 fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores. }At an Illinois school, Reagan told pupils about a British law under which anyone carrying a gun while committing a crime was automatically tried for murder, whether he used the gun or not. When it was pointed out that Britain never had such a law, Reagan's spokesman said, "Well, it's a good story, though." Four years later, in an interview with the New York Times, the president told the story again. }At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles. }When Reagan saw Samuel Pierce (the only black member of his cabinet -- the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development) at a meeting of big city mayors, he greeted him with "How are you Mr. Mayor? I'm glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" }A despondent teenager who asked a couple of friends to hang him changed his mind at the last minute. Unfortunately his pals were excited and killed him anyway, Turkish newspapers report. }The following is from Jerry Falwell's church bulletin: "A recent week-long guest on our Victory Today television program was Mr. Phil Phillips, author of the eye-opening book, 'Turmoil in the Toybox.' Throughout the week, Phil showed film clips from several of today's most popular cartoons. 'Blatantly satanic' is the only way they can be described. On Monday, He-Man and Masters of the Universe were exposed. Tuesday brought out Scooby-Doo and Thundercats. Wednesday's program was devoted to Dungeons and Dragons and She-rah. On Thursday, Phil's shocking subject was G.I. Joe, violence and martial arts. Finally on Friday, the Smurfs, Barbie and Care Bears were examined. }Washington (AP) -- The Army, alarmed by the number of soldiers who are being run over in their sleep by tanks and other vehicles, has started a safety campaign and demanded stricter disciplinary action by officers against personnel who ignore safety guidelines. }New Delhi, India (AP) -- Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity. The commission that banned the festival was set up after a confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the naked devotees. Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe the worshippers, but were instead stripped by the devotees. Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which contributed to a state-wide protest. }Anthropologist Brunetto Chiarelli, a professor at the University of Florence, was quoted in interviews published in the Italian press earlier this week as saying he believed ape-men could be bred to carry out menial tasks or provide transplant organs. }The "Metropolitan Indians" of Italy produced parodies of posters and graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties. Examples from 1972 include: "LONG LIVE SACRIFICE", "BOSSES' POWER", "MORE WORK, LESS PAY", and "ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT." }Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community." The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology." The resolution was passed unanimously. Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. }When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984) was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to run for it and said that they would cover his getaway. }In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent anonynmously to newspapers in various parts of the world. A covering note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which was heard part of the two leaders' telephone conversation. In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and the San Francisco Chronicle. The Sunday Times described the tape as part of a KGB propaganda war. The U.S. State Department said that the tape was evidence of "an increasingly sophisticated Russian disinformation campaign." In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock group Crass. The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with telephone noises. }I Don't Like Mondays... - The Boomtown Rats }...and I came to regard men as a strange sort of delicacy. }Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. }All's fair in love and war - What a contemptable lie! }Can you prove it didn't happen? - PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE. }"Curiouser and curiouser!" cried Alice. }Do not adjust your set. WE are in control. }Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. }"Go to Hell!" or other direct insult is all a snoopy question rates. }God is subtle but he is not malicious - A. Einstein }Hang up your logic over there. }He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with... }He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes... }"How could it?" Mishkin asked. "How could anything alter reality for $9.95?" }I can feel it. My mind. It's going, Dave. I can feel it. }"I seem to be having problems with my lifestyle." - Arthur Dent }I smell memory leakage. Someone around here is not paying attention. }I think it needs more juice. }"Imagination is more important than knowledge" - A. Einstein }"It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!" - L. Borgia }It is bad luck to be superstitious. }It is essential that opposing action systems do not execute simultaneously. }Louis, this looks like it could be the start of a beautiful friendship. }"Off with her head," shouted the Queen. }Oh, my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting! }Picture if you will... }Price of admission - your premise. }That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. }This is the voice of world control. I have brought Peace. }"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. }What hallucinations? }"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." (Raoul Duke) }When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. }"Where do 'cannot' and 'must' meet on the graph?" - ROBOT MONSTER }"Who cares for you?" said Alice. "You're nothing but a pack of cards!" }You gotta stop screwing around, daddy. }"Your move" - Colossus }'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves / Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: }...And then the fun began. - N. Bonaparte }...For the Snark *was* a Boojum, you see. }186,282 miles per second; it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW. }90% of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client. -X Hollander }A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. }A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind. }A closed mouth gathers no foot. }A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. }A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? }A doll is a doll is a doll. - F. Sinatra }A friend in need is a pest. - Fafird }A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future. }A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. }A hollow voice says, "Plugh". }A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead... }A king's castle is his home. }A lie in time saves nine. }A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time. }A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. }A man who turns green has eschewed protein. }A man without a god is like a fish without a bicycle. }A motion to adjourn is always in order. }A penny saved is ridiculous. }A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. }A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. }A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. }A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes. }A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. }A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank." }A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down! - L. Borgia (or Poppins, M.) }A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. }A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. }A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end. - F. Schubert }Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats. }Accuracy: The vice of being right. }Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. }Adult: One old enough to know better. }All's well that ends well. - E.A. Poe }Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. }Always store beer in a dark place. }Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not. }Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again. }An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. }An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. }Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. }Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. }Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. }Anything free is what you pay for it. }Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit! - Tericius }Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. }Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. }Avoid September. }B C N U *salute* }Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. }Be self-reliant and your success is assured. }Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. }Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. }Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. }Beware of low-flying butterflies. }Beware of quantum ducks: quark, quark. }Beware the granfalloon. }Big Brother is watching. }Boy: A noise with dirt on it. }Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. }Bring the whole family... but leave the kids at home! - R. McDonald }Buy low, sell high. }Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel - Ulysses }Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. }Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. }Cheop's Law: Nothing _ever_ gets built on schedule or within budget. }Chicken Little was right. }Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you! - Y. Arafat }Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. }Communists do it without class. }Computer: a device which is designed to drive human beings insane. }Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. }Condense soup, not books! }Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. }Courage is your greatest present need. }Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. }CPU time flies when you're having fun. }Creditors have much better memories than debtors. }Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. }Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. }Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. }Did you know that clones never use mirrors? }Did you know that no-one ever reads these things? }Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. }Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior. - Hun, A.T. }Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses. }DO NOT CUT ALONG THE LINE }Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. }Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. }Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. }Do you know where *your* towel is? }Does history record *any* case in which the majority was right? }Domestic happiness and faithful friends. }Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. }Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. }Don't feed the bats tonight. }Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. }Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. }Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. }Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. }Don't panic. }Don't store garlic near other victuals. }Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. }Don't try to have the last word. You might get it. }Down with categeorical imperatives! }Draw your salary before spending it. }Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good. - U.S. Dept. of Commerce }Economy makes men independent. }Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. }Even the boldest zebra fear the hungry lion. }Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. }Every purchase has its price. }Every sound should end in silence, but the silence never dies. }Everybody lies about sex. }Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. }Everyone should know where his towel is. }Everything bows to success, even grammar. }Excellent day to have a rotten day. }Excellent time to become a missing person. }Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. }Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. }Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. }Familiarity breeds attempt. }Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. }Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. }Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. }Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. }From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. }Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. }Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. }Go soak your head, Puny Human! }Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. }Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. }Good day to let down old friends who need help. }Good health will be yours for a long time. }Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder. }Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. }Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. }He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. }He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. }He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. }He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. }He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had. }He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. }He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. }Heisenberg may have been right. }Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched. - C. Mather }Help a swallow land at Capistrano. }Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. }Here is further away than you think... }Hindsight is an exact science. }His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. }History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. }History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other. }Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce. - Henry VIII }How many "coming men" has one known? Where on earth do they all go to? }How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. }How you look depends on where you go. }Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. }I believe we're under attack. - Col. Travis }I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. }I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. }I have no mouth and I must scream. }I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. }I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts. }I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. }I'll worry about it tomorrow. - S. O'Hara }I'm doing this for your own good! - any establishment executioner... or parent }I'm making this up as I go along! - I. Jones }I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. }I'm sure we can talk things out like civilized people. - J. Wayne }I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. }If "everybody knows" such-and-such, than it ain't so, by at least 10000 to 1. }If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool. }If it is not there, it does not exist. }If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. }If it screams, it's not food. }If it's more than you need, it's greed. }If you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the precipitate. }If you can't dazzle 'em with dexterity, baffle 'em with bullsh*t! - Prof H. Hill }If you can't win fair; just win! - U.S. Grant }If you continually give you will continually have. }If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. }If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people. }If you listen to fools the Mob Rules! (R.J. Dio) }If you suspect a man, don't employ him. }If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. }If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. }If it ain't broke, don't fix it. }If it ain't cooked, don't serve it. }Ignore previous fortune cookie. }In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once! }Infinity is a self-cancelling thought form. }Innuendo can be fun. }Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out. }Is everybody happy? - Machiavelli }Is someone trying to tell you something? }It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. }It is always easier to destroy than to create. - Any general, any army, any age. }It is better to copulate than never. }It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark }It is better to wear out than to rust out. }It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. }It is easier to run down a hill than up one. }It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life. }It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. }It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn't. }It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. }It was a dark and stormy night ... }It's a poor workman who blames his tools. }It's all a matter of taste. - B. Midler }It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. }It's been nice meeting you ... and even nicer seeing you leave. }It's clever, but is it art? }It's never too late for romance, it's only too late to get up the next morning. }It's never too late to have a happy childhood. }It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. }It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. }Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you. }Just remember: when in doubt, you're always right. }Justice: A decision in your favor. }Kablaaaaaaaaaaaaah! }Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. }Kids? Who said anything about kids? - Conan }Kin: An affliction of the blood }Later dates. }Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. }Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. }Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. }Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. }Life can be profitable, if you know the odds. - Ripley }Life is a series of rude awakenings. - R. V. Winkle }Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. }Life is full of little surprises. - Pandora }Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. }Life is...life is...life is...a kumquat.......What? You mean it isn't? }Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. }Live better, electrically! }Long live The Great Electronic Underground! }Look out! Behind you! }Look! A flying porpoise! }Look! God in drag! }Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. }Love is sentimental measles. }Love the sea? I Dote upon it - from the beach. }Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence }Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. }Many a family tree needs trimming. }Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. }Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VOLTAIRE }Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution. }Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking. }Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of }Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy before the FBI sees it. }Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. }Misster, do you vant to buy a duck? }Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. }Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. }Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. }Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. }Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. }Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters. }Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars! - A. Hitler }Natural laws have no pity. }Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. }Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. }Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. }Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water. }Never eat anything larger than your head. }Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. }Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. }Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. }Never try to outstubborn a cat. }Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. }Nice guys get sick. }Nihilism should commence with oneself. }No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. }No one should hide their true self behind a false face. - L. Chaney }No parking in the red zone. }Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. }Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. }Not everything in life is funny. - R.L. Asprin }Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. }Nothing is very funny when you're underneath. }Nothing works, and nobody cares. }Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. }Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. }Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one of them. }On a clear disk you can seek forever... }One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. }One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. }One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people - Genghis Khan }Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the truth on social occasions. }Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. }Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. }Out of the frying pan, into der fire. - The Swedish Chef }People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. }People will buy anything that's one to a customer. }Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. }Petty crime is the scourge of business today. - D. Lorean }Pi are round. Cornbread are square. }Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein. }Predestination was doomed from the start. }Preserve the old, but know the new. }Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. }Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. }Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. }Read everything with your eyes closed and it will all make sense. }Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. }Reality is achieved by the indefinite enumeration of objects. }Reality stems from the line printer. }Reality sure is big... }Recent investments will yield a slight profit. }Remember that two wrongs do not make a right - but that three lefts do. }Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat. }Remember: No matter where you go; there you are. }Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. }Results may be unpredictable. }Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. }See you in the movies! }Share and enjoy. }Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased. }Should old acquaintance be forgot... - Count of Monte Cristo }Shouldn't you be doing something useful? }Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. }Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. }Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned. - D. Graeme }Small change can often be found under seat cushions. }So long, and thanks for all the fish. }Some farewells are easier than others. - P. Marlowe }Some men are discovered; others are found out. }Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. }Someone is speaking well of you. }Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. }Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. }Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. }Stay away from flying saucers today. }Stay away from hurricanes for a while. }Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! - V. Dracula }Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. }Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. }Such stuff dreams are made of. - S. Beauty }Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations. }Surprise due today. Also the rent. }Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. }Swap read error. You lose your mind. }Take two aspirin and call the consultant. }TANSTAAFL! }Teachers do it with class. }Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you... - Beelzebub }Th-th-th-that's all, folks! }Thank you for flying BBS... }Thank you for observing all safety precautions. }That's entertainment! - Vlad the Impaler }That's funny, I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping. -K. Kong }The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. }The best laid plans often go a fowl. - Wile E. Coyote }The best prophet of the future is the past. }The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. }The butler did it. }The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. }The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. }The heart is wiser than the intellect. }The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. }The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. }The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. }The only rose without thorns is friendship. }The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends! - MacBeth }The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice. - M. Mouse }The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. }The shortest distance between two points is under construction. }The star of riches is shining upon you. }The stranger, the better... }The time is right to make new friends. }The universe is laughing behind your back. }The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. }The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. }The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt. }The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! }There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. }There are more old drunkards than old doctors. }There are no rules. }There is always someone worse off than yourself. }There is more at stake here than our lives. - Col. Travis (Alamo Pep Talk) }There is no counter for a spirited woman except spirited drink. - R. Butler }There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. }There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out! - B. Cassidy }There's always one more bug. }There's no such thing as gravity. The whole world sucks. }There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. }They never let you live it down. One little mistake! - Nero }They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! }Things are more like they used to be than they are now. }Things are not always as they seem - Mandrake }Things will be bright tonight. A cop will shine a light in your face. }Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click". }This contest has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen - H. Cossell }This file will self-destruct in five minutes. }This fortune intentionally not included. }This is a *dangerous* place. }This is another fine myth you've gotten me into! - Lor L. and Har D. }This space intentionally left blank. }This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it. }Those who can't write, write manuals. }Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. }Thought I wouldn't notice you sneaking off, eh? }Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills. }To give happiness is to deserve happiness. }To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. }To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. }To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. }To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. }Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. }Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. }Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. }Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) }Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. }TTFN! }Tweedledum and Tweedledee agreed to have a battle... }Vote anarchist }Vote early, and vote often. }Wasting time is an important part of living. }Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick. }We are the people our parents warned us about. }We have met the enemy, and he is us. }We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all. }We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. }We read to say that we have read. }We're looking for a few good men. - B. Cassidy }We've got an unbeatable team! - Sauron }Welders do it in all positions. }What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it! }What are friends for? - R.M. Nixon }What if they gave a war and only one side came? - Lucifer }What orators lack in depth they make up in length. }What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. }What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. }What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! }What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. }What's the point-spread on World War III? - R. Reagan }When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. }When uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. }When you get there, there's no there there. }When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. }Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. }Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge? - B.G. Gruff }Winning isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing. - J. Caesar }With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. }Words are the voice of the heart. }Words must be weighed, not counted. }Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. }Xerox never comes up with anything original. }Ya gotta be subtle! - M. Hammer }Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again. }You are magnetic in your bearing. }You can observe a lot by watching. }You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. }You have been selected for a secret mission. }You live and learn. Or you don't live long. }You live and you learn - or you don't live long. }You may be recognized soon. Hide. }You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. }You'll ALWAYS overlook one of those pins in a new shirt. }You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. }You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. }(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. }100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum... }101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency }A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. }A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway }A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -- Audobon Society Magazine }Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" }After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" } After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic }All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" }Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" } Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. }Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. }But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" }Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _there_. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Cecil, you're my final hope Of finding out the true Straight Dope For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat But none of my cats are at all like that. This unusual animal (so it is said) Is simultaneously alive and dead! What I don't understand is just why he Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. My future now hangs in between eigenstates. In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams }Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. }Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ... }Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down Death to all fanatics! }Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. }They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" } During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." }Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? } Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen }Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. } Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" }Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" } Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. -- Dave Barry "Rating Your New Year's Eve Party" }Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake }First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" }Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". } "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" }For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast"). -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" }FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. }Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? }Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. }FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. }Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. }Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. }Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. }Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology Association, in Rome]: }The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide. }From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." }[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. }From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector. }From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne }Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" } "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater }GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. }Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. (3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. } Get GUMMed ---------- The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 } -- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" } -- Gifts for Men -- Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" } Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see-through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! }Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. }God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher }God is Dead -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead -- God Nietzsche is God -- The Dead }God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus) }Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `_n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. } GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. }Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary }H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. }Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). }Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" } Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. }Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs. }Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathon Swift }Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. }Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. }Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted. First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame. Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news? I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. }Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker }Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" } Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle }"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" }Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; We buried him today because As far as we can tell, he's dead. -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele }Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just love Mom." }Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" } Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every object--every board, washer, nail and screw--in the entire store ... Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime around the middle of next week". -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags. }How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." }"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?" Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" }HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal } Hug O' War I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein }Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. }"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan }I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II." -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" } "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." } I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" }I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always different. -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) } "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!" }I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. }I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. Longworth }"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." -- President Harry S Truman }"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease." -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" } "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" }I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python }I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. }I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous conversation ... -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" }I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. -- Brendan Behan }I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" }I'm changing my name to Chrysler I'm going down to Washington, D.C. I'll tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I'm changing my name to Chrysler, I'm heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! }I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. }I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", by Gilbert & Sullivan) }I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare }If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" }If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker }If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian K. Reid }If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" }"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ..." -- Leith (Casey) Leedom }If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson }If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ... If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... -- Dave Barry, "Rating Your New Year's Eve Party" }If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National". -- George Will } If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?" Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money. This article can help you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" } In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. }In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" }[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" }In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain }Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" } INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. "Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas Hofstadter }Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. }It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" }It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy" }It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of attention, the harder the task. -- Sydney J. Harris }It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" }"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime." -- Thomas Aldrich } It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". }It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tight. It's the pelvic thrust That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! -- Rocky Horror Picture Show }"It's Like This" Even the samurai have teddy bears, and even the teddy bears get drunk. } JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... }Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth. -- Stephen R. Schwambach }`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care; Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.' }Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" }Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE! }Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." }Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" }Ladybug, ladybug, Look to your stern! Your house is on fire, Your children will burn! So jump ye and sing, for The very first time The four lines above Have been put into rhyme. -- Walt Kelly }Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for. -- Dave Barry }Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. }Laws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. }Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn }Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there". * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway. }Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" }LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks }LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease. }Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" }Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash } Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise. }Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Maier's Law: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. }Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is. Man 2: OK, what is the most impo--- Man 1: ______TIMING! }Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" }Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" }methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanyl- serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl- asparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylva- lythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala- nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli- soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala- nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu- taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala- nylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi- nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso- leucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl- aspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl- glycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl- gylcylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspartagi- nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala- nylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro- lyaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanyla- lanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli- soleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly- sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly- methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protien, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words }Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" }Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. }MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box }Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" } MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. }Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" }"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) } Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded OK. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" }My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. }My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker }My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. -- Dorothy Parker }My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. -- Dorothy Parker }Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. }Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. }Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes And tapes without any tracks; Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes And tapes mixed up on the racks -- Take hold of the tape And pull off the strip, And then you'll be sure Your tape drive will skip. -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes }No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. CHORUS: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" (chorus) Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! (chorus) }"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence." -- ALGOL 68 Report }Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... -- Woody Allen }Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. }... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" } Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? }Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there I've chased the shouting wind along and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. Up, up along delirious, burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, Where never lark, or even eagle flew; And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" }Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman } On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" }Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" }Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. -- Rainer Rilke } Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. }Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the smaller prime numbers. 2: The Odd Prime -- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 3: The True Prime -- Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. }... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" }One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." }One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... -- Anthony Chevins }One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 } One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 }One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" }Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." }... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" } OUTCONERR Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes Did logzerneg the ifthen block All kludgy were the function flows And subroutines adhoc. Beware the runtime-bug my friend squrooneg, the false goto Beware the infiniteloop And shun the inprectoo. }Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. }Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats. }Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. }PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. } Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. } Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. }Please take note: Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz } Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works. A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. }Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. }Politician, n.: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction techniques are very popular, even the military used them. SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just about _n. QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") }Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to _n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason" }Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" }Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator. }Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". }Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place. }QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. } _ _ / \ o / \ | | o o o | | | | _ o o o o | \_| | / \ o o o \__ | | | o o | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" }Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President }Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker }Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at *all* levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. }Real World, The n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a deceased person. }Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt reclaim it not. "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" }"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" }REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it. -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" }Review Questions (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? }Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. }Rules for driving in New York: (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. }RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. (2) Never leave the table hungry. (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. (4) Enjoy your food. (5) Enjoy your companion's food. (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. (11) Avoid blue food. -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" } Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. (5) Exotic birds flock around you. (6) People ignore you at parties. (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. (8) You no longer get off on cocaine. } Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. }Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie }Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. }Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. }Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. }"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a multiline message byte. In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message must be sent passive true. The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: (1) The ANRS if DAV is false (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: (a) The LADS is active (b) Nor LACS is active" -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for Programmable Instrumentation }Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographic material or material glorifying violence?" Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny." -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 } "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll }Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe }Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. }Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from chains. -- Frederick Douglass }Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. }So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of 8-millimeter video equipment. ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution" } So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" }"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." -- Samuel Foote }... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" }Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" }Some points to remember [about animals]: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" }Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }Speak roughly to your little VAX, And boot it when it crashes; It knows that one cannot relax Because the paging thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! I speak severely to my VAX, And boot it when it crashes; In spite of all my favorite hacks My jobs it always thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! -- apologies to Lewis Carrol }Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? }Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! Helpless users with projects due Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. -- Curtis Jackson }Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least he can do is to Shut Up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" }(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! }System/3! System/3! See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in RPG! It's made by our favorite monopoly! System/3! }Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve ... -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" }"Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." -- A. E. Housman }Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). }The Advertising Agency Song: When your client's hopping mad, Put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, Add a picture of his factory. }The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" }The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" }"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" }The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street ... }The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. -- William Ellery Channing }The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them ..." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." }The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If its just painted its still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" }The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson }The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. . . . Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge of the hyper-cube. }The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases. -- Sir Josiah Stamp }The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" }The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" }The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" }The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. } The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" }The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking." } "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }The net of law is spread so wide, No sinner from its sweep may hide. Its meshes are so fine and strong, They take in every child of wrong. O wondrous web of mystery! Big fish alone escape from thee! -- James Jeffrey Roche }The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -- Matthew 5:37 }The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. }"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history." -- Hegel "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view." -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" } The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. -- Dizzy Dean }The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" }The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers }The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials }The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" }The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results. }The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: (1) They all had moderate appetites. (2) They all came from middle class homes (3) All but two of them were dead. } The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" }The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians. -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 } The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda } THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor }The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 }The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. } The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tools that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar } THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. }Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" } THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker }There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson } There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII }There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior }There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. }There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" }There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. }"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'" }There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. }There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." }There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." }There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 15-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? }There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker }They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this To pass where they had failed For it must ever be And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. My notion was to start again Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. }This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" }THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... }This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that one should eat each day: 1/2 chicken 1 egg 1 glass of skim milk 27 heads of lettuce. -- Rev. Adrian Melott }This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from the she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. }This land is made of mountains, This land is made of mud, This land has lots of everything, For me and Elmer Fudd. This land has lots of trousers, This land has lots of mousers, And pussycats to eat them When the sun goes down. }This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams }This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one computer language to another and has a built-in editing system which identifies errors in the original program. }... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" } Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" }Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" } (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. } To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog }To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone }To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" }'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... }Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and must pay three silver pieces." }Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson }United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov }Vanilla, adj.: Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot and sour won ton soup. }Veni, Vidi, Visa. "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. }We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the police would find you. You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" }We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. -- Alan M. Turing }We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to begin with. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" } We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. ... "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition }we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. }Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through the entire show without answering a single question ... -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" }If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues }What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" }"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" }"What is the Nature of God?" CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 1/2 CUT CHIVES. STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." -- Bloom County }What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." -- Susan Gordon }What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" }Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" }When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. }While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 }Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. -- I have some really hard words to look up. -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. }Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents. Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?" Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" } William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. }Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. -- Rich Kulawiec }Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" }Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. }Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon }"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" }You are here: *** *** ********* ******* ***** *** * But you're not all there. }"You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread -- Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" }"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." }"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- Allow me to sell you a couple?" -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours -- Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." }"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -- Lewis Carrol }You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" }You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text: "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" }You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- You are permanently confused. -- Dave Decot } "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" }You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" } YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! } Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette table, etc. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" }Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. }All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python's Flying Circus }An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." }Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" }"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." -- David Letterman }Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" }... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. -- Harlan Ellison }"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." -- "Real Genius" }Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! }Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. G's Third Law: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: There is no magic ... }CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett }Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams }"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" }[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them there. (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" }Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother! (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. }For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof offered by Caspar Weinberger: "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 } "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" }GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT }God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it." }Haggis, n.: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... }Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. -- Tom Robbins }Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. -- R. E. Masters }"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! }Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the court was going to take a nap. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" }"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices * Libraries * Schools * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" }I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everything that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. -- Ogden Nash }I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" }I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor? -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" }If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... } In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! }Kasha, n.: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help *___you* much. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck. -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" }Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" } My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my head I simply take more of my favorite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! }O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. }Occident, n.: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. }One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." }"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes." -- Ronald Reagan }Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there were men on base. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" }"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 }Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." }"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" }Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer }Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. }... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" } The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in." So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" } The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight." } The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! }THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. We are talking about a lot of jobs. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" }The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. }The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" } The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" }The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. -- Henry Kissinger } Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams }There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of America, with all of the military strength of America, those revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas }There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would never do better than t h i s . }There were the Scots Who kept the Sabbath And everything else they could lay their hands on. Then there were the Welsh Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. Thirdly there were the Irish Who never knew what they wanted But were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English Who considered themselves a self-made nation Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. }This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. }This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. YOU SHOULD: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. }'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. "Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through The looks that melt, the claws that and through catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. And paused to smoke some pot. 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, And the Radcliffe undergrad. } Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." }WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to George talk. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" }Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." } "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? -- G. Gordon Liddy }You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" }You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you: (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint. (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. (c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock. }You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name. (b) Ask what position she played. (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. } }Digital circuits are made from analog parts. }Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! }Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? }He who hesitates is last. }Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. }A man's house is his hassle. }Chaste makes waste. }An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran. }A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. }Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }Neutrinos have bad breadth. }Programmers get overlaid. }Jesus Saves Johnson scores on the rebound. }In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better! }GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. }Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. }Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. }E. COLI eats shit. }Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. }Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! }People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. }Friction is a drag. }Heisenburg may have slept here. }What fools these morals be! }Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. }Love America - or give it back. }Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. }Biology grows on you. }Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault. }If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? }A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. }Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. }Go climb a gravity well. }A man's best friend is his dogma. }A penny saved is ridiculous. }Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. }I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES! }Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop.......... And at least one bug! }That does not compute. }No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. }Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! }The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. }Schizophrenia beats being alone. }Battle Creek makes cereal terminals. }To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. }Jesus Saves Vishnu invests. }If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. }Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. }Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? }Boycott meat - suck your thumb. }He who laughs last didn't get the joke. }Old musicians never die, they just decompose. }Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac! }We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. }Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. }Never play leapfrog with a unicorn! }Atheism is a non-prophet organization. }Walt Disney is in suspended animation. }An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec. }Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. }Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax. }If it works, Don't fix it. }Alex Haley was adopted! }He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. }Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. }Gravity brings me down. }When you're up to your hips in alligators, You forget the original project was to drain the swamp. }Everyone is entitled to my opinion. }Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! }Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. }Call out the vice squad! Someone's mounting a disk drive! }He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. }Sorry No COOKIES today!! }Lake Erie died for your sins. }While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. }You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. }The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! }He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent. }May all your PUSHes be POPed. }COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage. }This is a GENUINE Cookie! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations! }Do married women make the best wives? }Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. }Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl. }Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian? }Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. }Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. }He who laughs last is probably your boss. }Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). }It is hard to fly with the eagles When you work with the turkeys. }Nuke the Whales! }Basic is a high level languish. }Prunes give you a run for your money. }Drilling for oil is boring. }Eat prune yogurt for that 'get up and go' feeling. }This cookie is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed. }More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. }Reagan in '84...... Bush in '85. }Teachers have class. }Found on a door in the MSU music building: This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) }Tennis players have fuzzy balls. }The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader. }Do not read this cookie under penalty of law. }Physicists get hadrons. }Female programmers get their bits twiddled. }Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). }Constants aren't; variables don't. }You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. }Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. }Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. }Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split. } Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand! }Next time, give 'the gift that keeps on giving': a female kitten. }Mobius strippers never show you their back side. }Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. }Klein bottle for rent - inquire within. } *** ******* ********* ****** Confucious say: 'Is stuffy inside fortune cookie.' ******* *** }Midas was into golden showers. }Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. }Neutrinos are into physicists. }On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: 'Where no man has gone before' }Celibacy is NOT hereditary. }Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. }On a clear disk you can seek forever. }Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. }Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! }I claim that wasn't necessary. (D. D.) }Entropy isn't what it used to be. }Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from... }Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you? }Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. }This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback. }Save Soviet Jews! Collect them or trade them with your friends. }Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. }Weekend, where are you? }Grass is nature's way of saying 'High!' }Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality. }LSD melts your mind, not in your hand. }Individualists unite! }Money is the root of all wealth. }Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. }The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. }Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you! }Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do! }Happiness is twin floppies. }Happiness is a hard disk. }Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.) }Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate. }Disregard the previous cookie. }If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant! }If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? }I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. }If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture. }Chemists really know their bismuth. }If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! }The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. }Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. }The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. }The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project. }The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. }If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. }Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators. }Eschew Obfuscation! }Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical? }Recursive, adj.; see Recursive }This cookie intentionally left empty. }An expert is someone from out of town. }If you see an onion ring -answer it! }Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. }Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? }F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! }Don't read this cookie! }Poverty begins at home. }Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal. }In case of fire, yell 'FIRE!' }Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. }This cookie back by popular demand! }Rubber bands have snappy endings! }Old frogs never die, But they do croak! }COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. }Every time I lose weight, It finds me again! }An idle mind is worth two in the bush. }It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. }A hangover is the wrath of grapes. }An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. }Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. }It's better to copulate than never! }A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. }God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent - - it says so right here on the label. }Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. }Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. }Clones are people two. }Microwaves frizz your heir. }Laetrile is the pits. }Got Mole problems? 23 Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10 }Neil Armstrong tripped. }God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter. }When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. }To make tax forms true they should read 'Income Owed Us' and Incommode You'. }Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. }For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. }Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. }We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. }Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny. }Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy! }Going the speed of light is bad for your age. }White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. }Polymer physicists are into chains. }Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. }Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. }On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code. }Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. }There's no future in time travel. }Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. }Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. }Take an astronaut to launch. }Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. }Confucious say too damn much! }Reality does not exist - yet. }Sentient plasmoids are a gas. }Xerox never comes up with anything original. }Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. }Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. }If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? }Small programs are for small minds. }All programmers want arrays! }I BM. You BM. We all BM for IBM! }Satyrs have more faun. }Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. }Lawyers do it in their briefs. }Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. }Things worth having are worth cheating for. }Psychiatrists stay on your mind. }Fauns are never Satyr-sfied! }Astronauts get missile-toe. }If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. }Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state. }Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first. }Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory! }Raise ducks for quack profit. }Part-time musicians are semiconductors. }If it works, Don't fix it. }It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. }Interchangeable parts won't. }A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. }In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? }To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. }The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. }Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. }Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs. }We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. }Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. }The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not. }APL is a write only language: You can write programs in it; but try and read them! }Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros. }Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. }He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck. }Women should be obscene and not heard. }Children should be obscene and not heard. }Do unto others before they undo you. }Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first! }He who hesitates is constipated. }Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. }The best things in life are for a fee. }He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. }If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end I wouldn't be suprised! }How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? }Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmers are just plain folks. Musicians are just playin' folks. Whodunit readers are just Spillaine f }You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. }Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. }People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. }Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. }Astronauts are out to launch. }Winter is I-commin back! }Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation. }If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? }gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions! }Be alert, America needs more lerts. }Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. }There is no such thing as a 'Fail Safe' design. }No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. }Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. }Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks. }Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot. }Computer Engineers do it bit by bit. }All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. }Poverty is the root of all evil. }If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. }To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. }Archaeologists take sedimental journeys. }Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. }A closed mouth gathers no feet. }Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. }Smile! Things can only get worse. }After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. }All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance. }There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. (There is less competition in the second category.) }Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. }Vice Versa - poems about brothels? }Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo. }Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks. }Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers. }Preventing baldness is simple. Just knot your hair from the inside. }Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose. }There's no fuel like an old fuel. }Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough. }Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the whole business. }Did you say your uncle kicked the bucket? No, he just turned a little pail. }Chemists have solutions. }Note to mothers: when diapering your babies, don't do anything rash. }I hate rabbit jokes, they're so coney! }Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader. }Old bakers never die, you just can't get a rise out of them. }Hasty schizophrenics do things in a lickity split way. }Sado-necro-bestiality is beating a dead horse. }Old truck drivers never die, they just get a new Peterbuilt. }Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. } A linguist thought it a farce That memory space was so sparse. One day they increased it. Said he as he seized it: 'At last! Enough core for the parse'. }Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts! }Indecision is the basis of flexibility. }We are not punished for our sins, but by them. }Middle Age: Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence! }Eat Shit! 10 Billion flies can't be wrong. }Nixon saw deep throat ten times, but he still hasn't gotten it down Pat! }Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. }A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe. }If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers. }All work and no play, will make you a manager. }If we can't fix it - its broken! }Is it Friday yet? }Engineers never die - They just lose their tolerance. }She offered her honor, He honored her offer. And all through the night, It was honor and offer. }To do is to be. -- Nietzsche To be is to do. -- Kant Do be do be do. -- Sinatra }Roses are red; Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, And so am I. }You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it. }Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? }Paraplegics of the world - Stand up for your rights! }Did Mt. St. Helens make Seattle Wash. ? }186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law. }Abortion is a miscarriage of justice. }I'm an influential person - gravitationally speaking. }If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too. }The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. }The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. }Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. }Israel's actions are often Suez-cidal. }Nice computers don't go down. }The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction. }To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle. }Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into. }Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected. }Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. }Prosperity is when your conversation changes from car pools to swimming pools. }In a fight between you and the world, back the world. }The perfect secretary is one who types fast and runs slow. }A fool and your money are soon partners. }Win or lose, you lose. }Lt. Uhura says:'Subspace Communications- It's the next best thing to beaming there!' }Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semi-colons; }Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits. }It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct }Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. }Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. }Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it. }Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. }There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. }In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm. }The best book on programming for the layman is 'Alice in Wonderland'; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. }A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. }An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. }If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan. }A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. }Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into clerks and vice versa. }In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word 'frustration'. }We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem! }The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces. }The proof of a system's value is its existence. }The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? }Editing is a rewording activity. }Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What's the Latin for office automation? }Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer. }In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. }Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time. }A car raising contest is a jack off. }COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. }Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just because most economists are dismal scientists. }Cookies are to be eaten... C H O M P ! }Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it. }Streakers repent! Your end is in sight. }How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? When his lips move. }There's a seeker born every minute! --- Jerry Falwell }We will release no software before its time. }Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing! }Honesty is next to poverty. }Cleanliness is next to impossible. }Your karma just ran over my dogma. }In GOD we trust - all others require a phase review. }Disks travel in packs. }A rolling disk gathers no MOS. }Equal bytes for women. }Get off your ASCII. }Hard where? Soft where? }The agony of delete. }My computer puts out. }Bugs are Sons of Glitches! }I come unbundled. }Your Zip file is open. }My components are indiscreet. }'I've heard of wooden legs and plastic arms, but a hickory dickory, Doc?' }Jesus saves! Immanuel Kant. }Air pollution is a mist demeanor. }Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean? }Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. }Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. }Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat. }Some people carve careers, others chisel them. }Anarchy is against the law. }Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts. }Archimedes had no principles! }Old soldiers never die - young ones do. }Pray for the success of atheism. }Sacred cows make great hamburgers. }Spare the rod and spoil the drag race. }Condense soup, not books. }Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, NJ. }Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs. }The reason the government thinks you're just a number is because it's just a machine. }Chastity is its own punishment. }Keep the X in Xmas. }Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. }For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline. }Give me librium or give me meth. }The only dope worth shooting is Nixon. }Mankind has an incestuous relationship with mother earth. }Save our virgin forests - buy a tree a chastity belt. }An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut. }Hawaii is as American as apple poi. }Keep grandmothers off the streets - legalize bingo. }These days govt. is a four letter word. }Any government that's strong enough to give the people everything they want is a government that's strong enough to take it away. }Graffiti has changed deface of the nation. }Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. }Boy Hippie: a guy who looks like a Jill and smells like a john. }Oedipus come home, all is forgiven. Mother }Computers can never replace human stupidity. }THINK! or THWIM! }Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. }Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. }Lives there a man with soul so dead Who never to himself hath said, 'Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed!' }The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression. }Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. } x n Se = f(u) }Noam Chomsky is an anti-semantic. }The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods. }Zeus gave Leda the bird. }Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains. }Paranoia is heightened awareness. }Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. }All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed. }Hire the handicapped They're fun to watch. }A bird in the hand can be messy. }Support striking Air Traffic Controllers And ugly ones too. }Reagan can't act either. }Above all else - sky. }Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. }Serfs up - Spartacus. }Clark Kent is a transvestite. }The only difference between an unclear war and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN. }An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President - but is always polite to traffic cops. }Do not write on walls - use a typewriter. }War is good business - invest your sons. }Give - help send a girl to Boy's Town. }SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards. }Stamp out philately. }Whistler's mother is off her rocker. }The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed. }The only race worth winning is the human race. }Pain is just God's way of hurting you. }At our last party we were all making Mary, then we jumped for Joy! }Only cream and bastards rise to the top. }Courage is fear that has said its prayers. }You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. }The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. }All's well that ends. }A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. }All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. }It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. }Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei. }Coed dorms promote campus unrest. }Abolish first marriages! }He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks. }Support National Motherhood Week - Make one today! }May all your hang-ups be drip-dry. }Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. }Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. }Anal erotics are behind us all the way. }Mother Earth is not flat! }Hire the morally handicapped. }The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. }'LOVE' is nothing but 'SEX' mispelled. }'SEX' is nothing but 'LOVE' misunderstood. }11-PDP eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH }A cow eats without a knife. }A friend asks only for your time, not your money. }A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. }A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. }A king's castle is his home. }A lie in time saves nine. }A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. }A man who turns green has eschewed protein. }A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. }A member of your family will soon do something that will make your proud. }A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. }A present, over which you will shed tears of joy. }A stitch in time saves nine. }A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. }A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. }A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well. }Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. }All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. }Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. }Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. }An abstract term is like a valise with a false bottom, you may put in it what ideas you please, and take them out again, without being observed. }An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. }Art is your fate; don't debate. }As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. }As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of demand. }Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. }Be self-reliant and your success is assured. }Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity. }Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. }Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. }Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. }Bedfellows make strange politicians. }Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. }Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. }Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- MAE WEST. }Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. - Thoreau }Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. }Business is like oil, it won't mix with anything but business. }By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. }By following the good, you learn to be good. }Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. }Common sense is very uncommon. }Contact with a friend may provide some unexpected income advantages. }Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. }Courage is your greatest present need. }Creditors have much better memories than debtors. }Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. }Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses. }Domestic happiness and faithful friends. }Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. }Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. }Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. }Draw your salary before spending it. }Economy makes men independent. }Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. }Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. }Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. }Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. }Every purchase has its price. }Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. }Everything bows to success, even grammar. }Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. }Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. }Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. }Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. }For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. }For success today, look first to yourself. }Fortune Cookie says: Don't look back, always look ahead. }Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment. }Friendship one soul in two bodies. }From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. }Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. }God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends. }Good friends and fish stink after 3 days. - Ben Franklin Especially if you don't refrigerate them. - Terry Mahoney }Good health will be yours for a long time. }Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. }Handle all business ventures with discretion so you do not end up a loser. }Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. }He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. }He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. }He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable. }He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command of his actions. }He thinks he could easily win your heart. }He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. }He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. }He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. }He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. }He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. }He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. }He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. }He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. }Help fight continental drift. }Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. }His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. }His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. }History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. }How many 'coming men' has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? }How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. }How you look depends on where you go. }Hush! Hush! Secret! I came from a fortune cookie factory. }I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. }I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. }I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. }I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. }I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts. }I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. }I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. }Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. }Idleness is the holiday of fools. }If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. }If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. }If one word does not succeed, ten thousand are of no avail. }If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. }If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once. }If you believe in gambling in the end you will sell your house. }If you continually give you will continually have. }If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability. }If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. }If you suspect a man, don't employ him. }If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. }If you wish, You will have an opportunity. }If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. }If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted. }Imagination is more important than knowledge. }In jealousy there is more self-love than love. }Integrity is praised, and starves. }It is fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life. }It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. }It is better to wear out than to rust out. }It is commonly not your practice to make up your mind until the very last minute. }It is easier to run down a hill than up one. }It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. }It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. }It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it. }It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. }It is unwise to trust those you do not know well. }It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. }It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. }It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. }It's a poor workman who blames his tools. }It's clever, but is it art? }It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has already begun. }It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. }It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. }Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. }Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. }Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. }Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. }Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. }Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. }Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. }Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. }Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. }Lonely is a man without love. }Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. }Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. }Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. }Love is sentimental measles. }Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. }Make a wish, it might come true. }Make new friends but keep the old ones; One is silver and the other's gold. }Make this evening a memorable one. }Man and wife make one fool. }Man do not mind bust in mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous lady! }Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. }Many a family tree needs trimming. }Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. }Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very very thin paper. }Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- VOLTAIRE }Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. }Matrimony is the root of all evil. }Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. }Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. }Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. }Misster, do you vant to buy a duck. }Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. }Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. }Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. }Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. }My cup hath runneth'd over with love. }My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. }Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. }Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water. }Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. }New financial propositions may be offered at the turn of the year. }Nice guys get sick. }No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. }No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach. }No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. }Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. }Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. }Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. }Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than illumination. }Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples. }On a clean disk you can seek forever. }One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. }One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. }Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. }Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. }People will laugh at you, but let not that prevent you. }People who have never tried it have no idea how pleasant being nasty can be. }People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. }People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. }People will buy anything that's one to a customer. }Please all, and you will please none. }Please follow more cautiously Life's Golden Rule. }Preserve the old, but know the new. }Pride invites calamity; humility reaps its harvest. }Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. }Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. }Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. }Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. }Put your trust in those who are worthy. }Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. }Recent investments will yield a slight profit. }Reputation: what others are not thinking about you. }Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. }Satire is what closes in New Haven. }Seek companionship, love and social activity at home. }Share your happiness with others today. }She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. }Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. }Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress. }Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. }Some men are discovered; others are found out. }Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. }Someone is speaking well of you. }Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. }Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. }Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. }Stop day dreaming about success. Go out and obtain it. }Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. }Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. }Swap read error. You lose your mind. }Take advantage of the pleasurable opportunities that come your way. }Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. }That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all. }The actions of your mate or close allies will help you to make an important decision. }The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. }The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. }The best laid schemes o' mice and men gang aft a-gley. }The best prophet of the future is the past. }The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. }The brave man is known only in war; the wise man in anger; the friend in time of need. }The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. }The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. }The fish that escaped is the big one. }The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. }The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. }The heart is wiser than the intellect. }The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. }The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. }The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. }The next dreadful thing to a battle lost is a battle won. }The only rose without thorns is friendship. }The order and connection of ideas is the same as the order and connection of things. }The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. }The plural of spouse is spice. }THE PROGRAMMERS' CHEER? -- SHIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! }The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. }The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. }The star of riches is shining upon you. }The time is right to make new friends. }The time is right to pursue your endeavors. }The universe is laughing behind your back. }The value of knowledge lies not in its accumulation, but in its utilization. }The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. }The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. }There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. }There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. }There are more old drunkards than old doctors. }There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. }There are three things I have always loved and never understood - art, music, and women. }There is always someone worse off than yourself. }There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat. }There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. }There will always be some delightful mysteries in your life. }There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. }There's at least one fool in every married couple. }There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. }Think twice before speaking. But don't say 'think think click click'. }This file will self-destruct in five minutes. }Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. }Those who are prospering do not argue about taxes. }To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. }To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. }To do is to be - Nietzsche To be is to do - Sartre Do be do be do - Sinatra }To give happines is to deserve happiness. }To iterate is human, to recurse is divine. }To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. }To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. }To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it. }To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. }To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. }Traveler, there is no path, paths are made by walking. }True happiness will be found only in true love. }Trust him, but still keep your eyes open. }Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. }Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. }Valuable insights and your persuasive ability achieve results. }We do not recommend the use of 'roman numerals' in western electric information. }We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all. }We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. }We read to say that we have read. }What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. }What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. }What orators lack in depth they make up in length. }What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. }What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. }When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. }When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. }When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. }When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. }Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. }Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility? }Wisdom and good sense guard life from harm. }With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. }With a mind like yours, who needs a body. }Without fools there would be no wisdom. }Without health you cannot enjoy wealth or happiness. }Words are the voice of the heart. }Words must be weighed, not counted. }Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. }You are a bundle of energy always on the go. }You are a general favorite among your many friends. }You are a person of firm, yet honest intentions. }You are always busy. }You are an individual interested in foreward thrust and the future. }You are broad minded and socially active. }You are capable of planning your future. }You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements. }You are clever, alert, and intellectual. }You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. }You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. }You are fairminded, just and loving. }You are faithful to duty, adaptable to environment, loyal to friends. }You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. }You are fixed in your opinions and will not be easily moved from your purpose. }You are generous and always think of the other fellow. }You are going to have a new love affair. }You are heading for a land of sunshine. }You are interested in higher education whether material or spiritual. }You are magnetic in your bearing. }You are next in line for promotion in your firm. }You are never selfish with your advice or your help. }You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. }You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery. }You are standing on my toes. }You are the center of every group's attention. }Your are the guiding star of his existence. }You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty. }You are versatile, energetic, artistic and good-natured. }You are witty and fond of fun. }You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is concerned. }You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. }You cannot propel youself forward by patting yourself on the back. }You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. }You enjoy the company of other people. }You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. }You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. }You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. }You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. }You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. }You have a truly strong individuality. }You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. }You have a yearning for perfection. }You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. }You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. }You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. }You have an unusual magnetic personality. }You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationship. }You have been selected for a secret mission. }You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. }You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. }You have many friends and very few enemies. }You have no real enemies. }You have the attitude of a winner. }You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. }You like participating in competitive sports. }You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. }You love peace. }You love your home and want it to be beautiful. }You may attend a party where strange customs prevail. }You may be conservative, cautious and practical. }You must be patient for a little while. }You need not worry about your future. }You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. }You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. }You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. }You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. }You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. }You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. }You understand human nature and sympathize with its weakness. }You will always be successful in your business or professional career. }You will always get what you want through your charm and personality. }You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. }You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. }You will be a great success both in the business world and society. }You will be a guest at a gay party that'll have inportant consequences for you. }You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. }You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. }You will be awarded some great honor. }You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. }You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. }You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. }You will be made happy by receipt of good news. }You will be married within a year. }You will be proud in manner but tolerant and generous. }You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. }You will be singled out for promotion in your work. }You will be successful in love. }You will be successful in your work. }You will be surprised by a loud noise. }You will be surrounded by luxury. }You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. }You will be unusually successful in business. }You will engage in a profitable business activity. }You will engage in a profitable friendship. }You will enjoy the high praise of solving a problem of long standing. }You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. }You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. }You will have long and healthy life. }You will have many friends when you use corkscrew. }You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. }You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. }You will marry your present lover and be happy. }You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. }You will never know hunger. }You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. }You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. }You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. }You will secure the greatest degree of happiness if you marry young. }You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. }You will soon take that long awaited vacation. }You will step on the soil of many countries. }You will triumph over your enemy. }You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts. }You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. }Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. }Your business will assume vast proportions. }Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. }Your domestic life may be harmonious. }Your first impressions of people are best. }Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. }Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. }Your help will be needed in an embarrassing situation. }Your long forgotten kindness to someone will bring a substantial sum of money. }Your love life will be happy and harmonious. }Your lover will never wish to leave you. }Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. }Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. }Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. }Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. }Your next acquaintance will be the right one. }Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. }Your place in the path of life is in the driver's seat. }Your present plans will be successful. }Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. }Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinment. }Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. }Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. }Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. }eHpl ! Imat arppdei sndi eht eDP-P11 }}IDEAS, I Sometimes Ponder }The quest for knowledge is the most wondrous of all human endeavors. }The lack of something to feel important about could be the greatest tragedy I may have. }Television has the ability to provide experience without risk. }A jewel has much brilliance but gives no warmth. }A world and a life where everything seems to fit is called "unity". }If I love something enough, I can set it free and it will return to me. If it doesn't, I'll hunt it down and kill it. }I can get more with a kind word and a gun than I can get with a kind word. }My only responsibility to others is to love them. }If I believe in solipsism, then aren't my loved ones a mere projection of my self? }Responsibility means my: responding, listening, feeling, loving. }When I become what others want me to be in order to be liked, have security, and be loved, then I loose my sense of self. }RESPONSIBILITY: 1st: To seek the way to myself, to reach inner certainty, to grope my way forward, no matter where it leads. 2nd: Everything else comes out of this struggle. }It's for love that I live all alone. Because the lovers I imagine are safer than the ones I've known. }What good are enemies if I can't depend on them? }There's a very thin line between love and hate; and you're erasing it. }When I know something, I have no reason to believe it. }I'm glad that everyone's life behaves as though it were going on rather than dying. }If my life is not meaningful, then why should I exist? }Human needs must always be placed above property rights and institutions. }Beginning is all there ever is. }Language is the tool by which we know and the probe by which we seek to discover the reality behind appearances. }NBC news states, " 'TODAY' is a presentation of NBC news." Imagine if that were }I begin to die when I become too puzzled to go on. }My lover has no other lovers -- because she has no want or need. }Be myself. Who else is better qualified? }I have to believe in something to make it reality. }It takes a big person to admit they're small. }We wept; and through our weeping, we understood. }Without love there is no hope. Without hope there is no future. Without a future there is no meaning. }Love thy neighbor but keep the hedge high. Before I build a wall I'd ask myself, what am I walling in or what am I walling out? }Life seems to be a continual series of adjustments. }Only imperfect solutions are available to imperfect human beings. }People don't care what kind of person you are but only what kind of person you are to them. }Fill the seats of Justice with good men, but not so absolute in goodness as to forget what human frailty is. }Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. }I thought everything was all settled. I thought we made and took our stand. Then why does everything become so muddled When we reach...and take each other's hand? }We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing the unbelievable for so long with so little, that we now attempt the IMPOSSIBLE with nothing. }Only the artist can turn the "not yet" into reality. }Love is not an art, but a way of living. }When I love someone, I touch them differently. }I only pay attention to that which I discover for myself. }Sadly, the only time I have the strength to end a love affair is when I am no longer in love. }I am accountable only to me for what happens in my life. }May I never be misanthropic. }It ain't bragging if you really done it. }It is wise to remember that I am one of those who can be fooled some of the time. }I can't have everything. Where would I put it? }If you have anything to tell me of importance, for God's sake begin at the end. }Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. }Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. }Wisdom is the principal thing: therefore get wisdom: and with all your getting get understanding. }When I reach for the stars, I may not quite get one, but I won't come up with a handful of mud either. }Reality is only for those who cannot deal with drugs. }Always is forever. Forever is a lie. I can only love you until the day I die. }Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late. }Love, honor and negotiate. }Ever notice that the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions?; and that if something is confidential, it will be left in the copy machine? }Not many things are all bad. When it gets dark enough, I can see the stars. }Do you like it better here or in the summer? }Life does not depend upon how much I know but upon how much I feel. }The only function of behavior forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. }She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. }An archeologist's career lies in ruins. }Sticks float. They wood. }Give me all the other advice you like, but don't tell me how to: bring up my children; train my dog; fish for trout; scramble eggs; cast my vote; watch a football game; buy meat; eat lobster; appreciate good music; improve my disposition; relax; or prepare myself for heaven. }Love is an exchange of psychic energy. }There are three kinds of memory---good, bad and convenient. }Some folks are wise and some are otherwise. }You can make ends meet, but you can't make them like each other. }Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. }A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way. }Too much agreement kills a chat. }All things come to him who orders hash. }For a quick energy boost, nothing beats having the boss walk in. }The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. }If you work hard and keep both feet on the ground, you'll eventually reach the point where you can keep both feet on the desk. }Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It's lovely to be silly at the right moment. }Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling. }When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. }Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog. }Experience is a good school but is not very strong on vacations. }I'm very grateful for pro football. I'd hate to have those big guys on the street with nothing to do. }Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a stick! }Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. }In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. }Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything that comes in second. }If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of being a prophet. }Enjoy your kids while they're young and still on your side. }A Prune -- plum tuckered out. }Honesty is the best policy, although sometimes keeping your mouth shut is even better. }It's more blessed to give than to receive---especially kittens. }All the world loves a lover -- except those who are waiting to use the phone. }You can't fool all the people all the time but highway-interchange signs come pretty close. }Talk is cheap -- unless you hire a lawyer. }An eternity is...keeping a smile on your face until the shutter clicks and 20 minutes of aerobic exercises. }Superstition is foolish, childish, primitive and irrational---but how much does it cost you to knock on wood? }A good education is the next-best thing to a pushy mother. }Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. }The best trips are the kind where you can be home by noon. }I'm always sure about things that are a matter of opinion. }Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time. }"I don't let our football players do those crazy dances in the end zone. I want them to act like they've been there before." }If you smile when everything goes wrong, you're either a nitwit or a repairman. }Without the opinion polls we'd never know what people are undecided about. }Why do service stations lock the rest-rooms and leave the cash register unlocked? }How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? }I KNOW two plus two is four! But I want to know WHY!! }If you want the best berries you're going to get scratched. }Why is it you can't recognize your own voice when you hear it played back on tape, but you imagine you are seeing your own face when you look at it in a mirror? }After all is said and done, sit down. }The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. }A fool and his money are invited places. }All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. }It's always dullest before the yawn. }COOK DISARMS GUNMAN -- IN SHORT ORDER. }SEWER COMMISSION FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS. }The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. }A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. }A friend is someone you can do nothing with, and enjoy it. }The hardness of butter increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. }The person who starts by saying, "Maybe I'm wrong", is often right. }An Irishman takes no chances. "God is good, and the Devil ain't bad either!" }Make a cow happy, fish! }The most satisfying kind of gardening is planting yourself in a lawn chair. }Speechmaking: "Be sincere; be brief; be seated." }Spaghetti is not fattening -- unless you eat pasta limit. }Defendant's speech ends in long sentence. }History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. }Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're really not after you. }If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. }A lie in time saves nine. }A motion to adjourn is always in order. }A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. }I am reminded of the immortal words of Socrates, "I DRANK WHAT?" }In the good old days when you wanted a horse to stand still you tied him to a hitching post. Now you bet on him. }A day can be brightened by seeing someone a little plumper than you are. }Well at least a dime can still be used as a screwdriver. }If dreams came true more often, there would be less insomnia. }Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let it come as a surprise. }A man who saves for rainy days, gets a lot of bad weather reports from relatives. }A foreigner visiting the U.S. thought "oakie dokie" was the feminine of "O.K." Of course he was mistaken. The feminine of "O.K." is maybe. }A pedestrian is a person walking or lying in the street, whichever comes first. }Often he who hesitates is darn glad he did. }Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to stick to what you can make people believe is the truth. }No household item is ever completely lost; it's just waiting until you forget what you wanted it for. }Rubbing elbows with a man will reveal things about him you never suspected. The same thing is true of rubbing fenders. }You can prevent wrinkles by creams and massage; you can dye the first gray hairs, but there's no graceful way you can prevent a small boy from offering to help you across the street. }The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. }What this country needs is a good five cent nickle. }Never do anything twice that you don't have to do at all. }We were born with two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with... Success or failure depends upon which we use most! }"Have a good day?" I'll have any kind of day I damn well please!!! }This is not Burger King! You can't have it your way!! }Housework rots the mind. }If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! }To our Son: Whenever we miss you we do something that makes us believe you're still here.... We mess up your room. }If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. }The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. }The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. }If you're angry, count to ten. If you're really angry, swear! }Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. }Bad spellers of the world, untie! }We are what we pretend to be. }You are no bigger than the things that annoy you. }Start off every day with a smile and get it over with. }A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. }If you can look in the mirror without laughing, you have no sense of humor. }It's terrible the way those careless drivers keep so close ahead of you. }A traffic light is a little green light that changes to red when your car approaches it. }Summer: When the highway authorities close all the regular roads and open up the detours. }You can really mess up the traffic if you signal left and turn left. }In 1940, every car on the highway in California contained an average of three persons. In 1950, the average was down to two. In 1960, the average was one person. Based on a projection of these statistics, by 1990 every third car on the highway will have nobody in it. }Not all women are crazy. Some of them are still single. }If it weren't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. }A night watchman is someone who earns a living without doing a day's work. }A nuclear explosion can really ruin your day! }Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made a reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. }Any man who thinks he is smarter than his wife is married to a very smart woman. }Women give us solace. But if it weren't for women, we wouldn't need solace. }If I called the wrong number, then why did you pick up the phone? }Money won't buy happiness, but it pays for the illusion. }Money may not bring happiness, but most people like to have enough of it around so they can choose their own misery. }It's good to have money, and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in awhile and be sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy. }If you always do what you've always done, you'll always be where you've always been...Take a risk! }I'll meet you half way. You need the exercise. }There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck. }It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are. }It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. }Often the difference between a successful relationship and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three things a day unsaid. }In the future, all knowledge in the world will be contained on a single, tiny plastic computer chip which someone will lose. }The Irish invented sin, but it took the Italians to invent guilt! }If it weren't for the last minute I'd never get anything done. }You can buy flattery, but envy must be earned. }You know, me and my sister, we ain't no more alike than if we wasn't us. She's just as different as I am the other way. }What this country needs is a set of brakes that will stop the car behind us and a scale that takes off five pounds for good intentions. }There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck. }Faced with having to change our views or prove that there is no need to do so, most of us get busy on the proof. }It takes about ten years to get used to how old we are. }If god made mankind, who can you trust? }The more I know about you, the more I like my dog. }There is something better than victory, and that is the avoidance of war. }This week, try praising your spouse, even if it frightens them a bit. }It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. }Ten years of rejection slips is natures way of telling you to stop writing. }The best things in life aren't things! }I was so far behind, I thought I was 1st. }A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. }When you hear what I just found out, you'll never look the same way at a bird or bee again! }"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still......Heal guilt. Regrets bring space between us." }Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. }A rule is an opinion in trouble. }Don't recycle -- the water you drink may be your own. }If love were oil, I'd be about a quart low. }They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat. }Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself. }Shoot low, boys -- they're riding' Shetland ponies. }Now and then it's good to pause in the pursuit of happiness and just be happy. }If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. }A bird in the hand is bad table manners. }Those who can, do. Those who can't, write instructions. }One of the advantages of a clean life is that you can distinguish between the flu and a hangover. }The simplest way to learn speed reading is to get an unexpected letter from the IRS. }I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. }If you want to be rich, look and see what the poor people do and then don't do i }You can observe a lot by watching. }It is good to trust, but remember to always cut the cards. }Justice: a decision in your favor. }Is it wetter under water when it's raining? }The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. }The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. }The difference between an orator and a bag of wind is whether you agree with him or not. }The difference between antiques and junk is who's running the garage sale. }Anticipating is even more fun than recollecting. }On the edge of a precipice, only a fool does cartwheels. }About the only beneficial thing in smoking is that it repels gnats and mosquitoes. Which only proves you don't have to be big to be smart. }The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. }This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.... and now you know why. }You're not yourself today? Well, enjoy it while you can. }Success has one thousand fathers. Failure is an orphan. }What one says about another, says more about one than it does about the other. }Chicken Little only has to be right once. }The person who has everything usually sits next to you in the doctor's office. }A two-week vacation with four kids in a tent makes you appreciate the serenity of the work place. }Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. }When people say, "That's the way the ball bounces," they're usually the ones who dropped it. }If you're good even when nobody's looking, that's integrity. }Reality sure is big. }When in doubt, you're always right. }This is a day for firm decisions, or is it? }The easiest way to save face is to keep the lower half shut. }Ignorance doesn't kill you but it makes you sweat a lot. }Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is completely programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. }There are two sorts of losers -- the good loser, and the one who can't act. }The next time you're at a meeting, look around and identify the yes-butters, the not-nowers and the why-notters. Why-notters move the world. }The longest odds in the world are those against getting even. }Hi! What's new and improved? }There are two sorts of losers -- the good loser, and the one who can't act. }Run it up the flagpole and see if it sticks. }He sank to new heights. }Not a sky in the clouds. }If you can look back on your life with contentment, you have one of our most precious gifts -- selective memory. }Beware of low flying butterflies. }Nothing so needs reform as other people's habits. }He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met. }Everyone complains of their memory, never of their judgment. }Picture if you will....... }Words must be weighed, not counted. }If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at other people. }Sometimes in the dark you see what you want to see. }The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right. }Just when you think you see the whole picture of life clearly, the channel changes. }Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. }Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. }Deja vu? Hmm, I've heard that expression somewhere before. }If it's more than you need, it's greed. }Choose carefully the hills you want to die on. }Death to all extremists! }Even moderation can be practiced to excess. }Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. }I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. }If you think money can't buy happiness, you don't know where to shop. }Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else -- you are the one who gets burned. }You can't be afraid of stepping on toes if you want to go dancing. }Good sense is easier to have than use. }I'm on a rotation diet of my own. Every time I turn around, I eat! }The nice thing about buying beer is that no one ever asks what year you want. }I'm exhausted. I had to keep insisting to my kids that I was Santa Claus, and to my wife that I wasn't. }I eat from the three basic food groups -- canned, frozen and take-out. }It's hard to keep your head when your neck is on the line. }A minute contains 60 seconds unless it's preceded by "Just a". }Any man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot. }Why do people have to ingest a substance that slows their reflexes, slurs their speech, dims their eyesight, ruins their motor control, upsets their digestive tract and lowers sexual potency to "have fun"? }Not only does alcohol kill brain cells but the next day they attend the funeral }If you're starting to become predictable, then you're starting to become dull. }Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. }The shortest distance between two points is under construction. }When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. }In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. }Madness is all in the mind. }I think our number 1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything, but don't quote me. }There are two sides to every argument, until you take one. }I've investigated reality and there's really nothing to it. }"Unfinished business" is usually finished -- you just didn't like the way it came out. }Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed. }Be awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down. }A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. }A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed. }The question is not whether we will teach -- but what. }}There's no point in speaking unless you can improve on silence. }The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. }How monotonous the sounds of the forest would be if the music came only from the Top Ten birds. }Do you still love Mother Nature.....even after what she did to you? }Which do you want first -- the truth, the whole truth or nothing but the truth? }When someone says that he's laying all the cards on the table, count them! }