FLYING CODING ACE: THE MOVIE Setting: Airport Control Tower. Night. Sonia: Without the automated landing program, the plane can't land? John: That's right. That bug in the program crippled the plane. Sonia: Why can't they fix it? John: Because the plane doesn't carry any programmers, dammit! Our pilots are the best in the business, but they just weren't trained to debug the plane's goddam software and fly the plane at the same time! Bob (entering with clipboard): Wait! The plane's manifest shows that there is a passenger on board, Jonny Rebuto, who IS a programmer! John (grabbing ground-to-air mike): Flight 21, come in... Pilot: This is Flight 21. We're running low on fuel. We've GOT to land, and SOON! John: McIntyre, listen. There's a passenger on board by the name of Jonny Rebuto. He's a programmer. Find him, and there's just a chance he could debug the landing program in time! Pilot: Debug the landing program! I've got 17 minutes of fuel left. What do you expect me to fly this thing on - after dinner mints? John: I know it's a longshot, McIntyre, but it's the only chance we've got. Find him! Pilot: I have an alternate plan, care to hear it? John: Go ahead. Pilot: We disconnect all the computers and fly this baby in the old way - with our two good eyes and hands! John: McIntyre, look out the window and tell me what you see. Pilot: Nothing. John: The little windows on that plane are just for show. You can't even see down. It was meant to be landed by computer, and there's no other way. Besides, there are no manual switches for the landing gear anyhow. You better get Rebuto in there pronto! Two female flight attendants drag Jonny Rebuto into the cockpit. Jonny: You guys don't understand. I write WordPerfect and Lotus macros for the idiots upstairs! That's all! I can't do THIS. I just can't do it, do you hear me? John (over the plane's radio): Okay, take it easy Jonny, it's just a few thousand lines of assembler code. I'm gonna talk you through it... Now sit down. You see that rectangle with all the little squares in front of you? Jonny: [Tentatively] Yes... John: Good. That's the keyboard. Now, in the top corner you'll see a little key with the letters E, S, and C. That's the ESCAPE key, Jonny. When I say go, I want you to press that key, okay, Jonny? Jonny: What if I can't do it? I don't want to be responsible for all these people's lives! Sonia (grabs the mike): Jonny, close your eyes for a minute. Visualize the plane as a great, big, beautiful bird, sailing gracefully over the city. Do you see it? Jonny: Yes, yes I do... Sonia: Now picture yourself riding the back of this giant bird, dressed in the armor of an ancient warrior. Jonny: Yes, I see it... Sonia: The stars are resplendent above you, a vast tapestry of tiny lights, and the moon is bright white orb illuminating the night sky. Jonny: Yes, yes... Wait - there's more... Sonia: Now imagine that beautiful bird slamming into the ground at Mach 1.5 and blowing up in a giant fireball, throwing fiery droplets of flaming jet fuel that burrow into your skin, burning you like some kind of evil insect, while you are surrounded by the screech of grinding broken metal and the tortured screams of 350 other dying human beings, with no choice but to DIE, DIE, DIE like rats trapped in some kind of horrible tunnel of death!!! Visualize THAT! Jonny: Aaaagggghhhhhh! Sonia: Land the damn plane or that won't be no TV show, that will be your real life in about 14 minutes and 22 seconds, hear me, you screwball corporate ass-kissing number- crunching chip-jockey? Jonny stares straight ahead, eyes glazed, trying to catch his breath. John takes the mike back from Sonia. He is beginning to sweat. John: Listen to me, it's gonna be okay, Jonny, I'll be right here on the radio with you the whole time, walking you through every step. And your Department Manager is on his way over to the airport right now. He says you can do it. You trust him, don't you Jonny? Jonny: Uh... John: He was working on your 6-month evaluation when we interrupted him... Jonny: Okay, okay. I'll do it. John: Good boy! Jonny: Okay, I see the ESCAPE key. What do you want me to do? John [sweating profusely]: When I say go, I want you to press the ESCAPE key just once, Jonny. Can you do that, Jonny? Can you do that for me? Jonny: Yeah. Yeah, sure. I can press the key, I guess. John: Alright, when I count to three. Sonia and Bob look on anxiously in the CONTROL TOWER as John counts. Frank, Jonny's Department Manager, is ushered into the room in the background. The tension builds... John: Here goes. One..., Two...... TO BE CONTINUED NEXT ISSUE Contract 102 I think it's pretty funny that people will spend time and money getting other people with minimal assets and relatively minor income to sign documents wherein they are forced to "indemnify" some company against their possible misbehavior, without anyone ever stopping to consider from where, and how, these potentially huge damages are going to be recovered. I have personally signed NDA's (Non-Disclosure Agreements) where I indemnified a couple of the very largest of software companies against any damages should I prematurely disclose their secrets. So let's say I screwed up bad and talked to the Wall Street Journal about Giant Software's new Widg-Master-Triple-Bang-Star-Star-Star-Plus- Plus-Plus X-Tra Super Star-Plus Advanced Turbo Gold Level 2 Master PRO Professional. I tell the WSJ that the damn product has in reality only sold 7 copies, and 3 were returned. Their stock price plunges two points. Giant Software and it's shareholders come after me for the lost 800 million dollars in value. I can just see the judge saying, okay after considering the facts, I hereby order you to pay 25 bucks a month until the 800 million is paid off - AND DON'T MISS ANY PAYMENTS OR YOU'LL BE BACK HERE IN FRONT OF ME, MISTER. Don't they know it's not enough to be contractually solid? For example, I hereby guaranty that when CoderZine distribution breaks 10,000 per issue, I will personally pay off the national debt. Enforce it, dudes! (Warning: my assets could be attached with a piece of chewing gum.) REVIEWS EARTH For those of you who are really getting into "the Net", the novel "EARTH" by David Brinn really hits home. In this near-future SF book, the story makes constant references to "the Net". This global, totally interconnected network is taken to be as commonplace as the present-day phone system. To prevent information-overload, everyone has their own personalized program that sifts through the mounds of data and drivel to winnow out only the information that is of interest to the individual. With the PDAs (Personal Digital Assistant) just arriving on the market and the PIMs (Personal Information Manager) coming into more widespread use, it seems that Brinn knows what he's talking about. Another interesting point made in EARTH is general use of OOP (Object Oriented Programming). One of the main characters grabs several chunks of code from the Net" and proceeds to plug them together to build an application. The impression is that this is commonplace and "just makes sense". If these issues aren't enough to make you hit the local book store, did I mention that the story includes: - man-made black holes are being researched as a power source. - somebody accidentally drops a black hole into the Earth. Spielberg should read this one, I've seen enough Dinosaurs for a while. / Shaun Brachmann 74230,61 Wait - there's more... wired for sound pro You have to buy this thing if you are running Windows. Wired For Sound Pro (WFS) lets you attach any sound to any Windows event. A library of 400 sounds is included: dings, boings, beeps, sirens, animal moos, barks, and meows, squeaks, car engines revving, rocket ships blasting off, horror movie screams, glass breaking, Hail-to-the Chief and lots of other MIDI synth-music , plus funny recorded human voices: Excuuuuuse me, Pacific Bell Information, Pick one of these things, Time for Dinner, plus serious human voices: Program Manager, Cancel, Yes, No, etc., etc., etc. Did I mention that you can also record and link in your own WAV files (the standard Windows sound format)? And, if you buy the Star Trek sound collection (from another company), you can link in those voices. So when you close an application, you can hear Bones saying, "He's dead, Jim!" You need to have a sound board (you don't have to have one, but you need to have one). I'm just using my old Sound Blaster classic with a couple of Shack speakers. WFS comes with a default setup, so you don't have to spend any time getting it going. One of the best part about it is the effect it has on the non- computer-set. Finally, they know someone with a computer that really acts like those computers in the science-fiction movies. It keeps me awake, too. When I start Windows, first I hear Hail to the Chief (but you figured that), then the included appointment app reads out loud, "You have lunch at twelve o'clock. You take a break at three o-clock. You have dinner at seven o'clock." If only this were true. When I minimize any app, it goes "ding" like a nail being thrown into a bucket. When I minimize Program Manager, a sexy voice says "It's been fun working with you." Okay, it sounds sexy to me, especially after a few hundred minutes behind the monitor. And when I F4 out, WFS says, "Goodbyyyyyye." I'm using the Windows Printing System, so when I start to print, WFS causes my system to say, "Printing Started" and then, "Printing Complete." If I run out of paper, the system says, "Add paper to printer." Way cool. A+/Recommended. If you have WFS tips, tricks, or WAV files, please submit them. / Richard Grossman 75300, 1556 Windows printing system Allows two-way communication with your printer. So your system now knows that the difference between your printer running out of paper and your printer falling into the San Andreas Fault during periodic seismic activity. The little picture of the laser printer with the animation of paper going through it in perfect sync with the real paper going through the real printer will make you much more productive and cause millions in lost corporate revenues to drop to the bottom line. Tell `em down in procurement that I said so. Recommended / Richard Grossman 75300, 1556 REVIEW Excursion in Ambience, CD. 10 examples of ambient house by various artists. Trippy, man. Excellent post-Jean Michel Jarre. Caroline Records CAROL 1733-2. Recommended / Richard Grossman 75300,1556 REVIEW NOTE This doesn't have to be a Windows/ DOS/ FoxPro oriented magazine. But since that's what I use, it will be unless you submit stuff. Vendors: if you would like your product reviewed, EMAIL it to 75300,1556 or REALMAIL it to Cyber Beach Press c/o Richard Grossman 513 Wilshire Blvd. # 348, Santa Monica, CA 90401. Specify whether you want it returned, plus a phone contact would be nice. One copy will do nicely. FEEDBACK Message: I'm very interested to hear that you're starting a cyber- mag here on CIS. I am a self-employed (which sometimes means unemployed) consultant in Toronto recovering from a broken leg (my fault) and a permanent layoff (the fault of downsizing). When I receive your mag, I won't be able to print out the HP Laserjet version because I don't have a laser printer (there are some of us still living in the stone ages). Since I'm Home Alone, I'll just view the ASCII version with a file lister, since this suits my current situation. If I worked with a bunch of others then I could print out the ASCII version across two columns on my Epson compatible 24 pin printer. You might think about creating an Epson PRN for the printer- challenged, as well as a PRN for the laser-enabled. Let me know when your first issue hits the LIBs, I'll be the first to scoop it up (hope you don't run out of copies). Since all users can be Clark Kent (in their imagination anyway) in your mag, I'll probably have more competition for mag space in the future. Cheers, T. Alex Beamish [73067,1500] / TAB Software // Toronto, Ontario {Pause} Well, that's what I would have said a year ago- Now the recession has trashed Southern California, I'm doing most of my programming work in places like Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sacramento, and New York, and I find myself saying things I never would have said before, like, "Why get rid of my perfectly good HP II when it still has 40,000 pages left in it?" Amazingly enough, yours truly is still pushing his Everex Step 386/33 for that last few months of use. On the plus side, this will be the last issue to be broadcast via the Toshiba 5100. It's the EGA output and the multi-phone-book weight that finally did it. Next Monday, a new Toshiba 1900C/200 arrives. Back to your situation, I notice that you have an Epson compatible which I take to mean lowest common denominator dot matrix. I will try uploading this issue in our home forum as CDZ002.DOT. It will be a zip file. If there is sufficient interest (read: downloads), then I'll keep doing it. SYSOPS and others are, as usual, completely welcome to upload this format to their forums if they choose, but I think it will be of only limited interest. And I suspect it will take a while to print. Let me know how it works out. - Editor Message: I'm feeling a little left out since I don't have a LaserJet to print CoderZine in all it's glory. I'd really appreciate it if you would include the MS Word file format version of CoderZine, so I could read your great mag in the way you intended. Wes Perdue 71175,3611 > {Kohd-uh-zeen} 1. The `Zine about coders, as in Magazine, Programmers This is issue 2, published July 8th, 1993. Copyright (c) 1993 Cyber Beach Press