лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл л ROTFL Digest! Volume 2, Issue 7 May/June/ л л July/August 1995 л л л л Published by Access Media Systems л л Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 л л л л Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes л л л лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл л Contents: л л л л Editorial and Contest Reminder л л Likely Stories! л л The Sadomasochist's Olympic Team л л The Ebola Virus - How It Can Change Your Life л л Beer - It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore л л Top Ten Ways To Know A Guy Doesn't Really Love You л л Top Ten Ways To Tell If Someone Is Depressed л л The OJ Quiz л л What Happens When Different People Turn Evil л л You Know You're Headed For A Life Of Crime When... л л Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! л лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл Editorial --------- Yes, it's been a long time between issues but you really don't want to hear about the cause of the delays. Remember that ROTFL Digest has an ongoing contest for the best new jokes and funny stories. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- | ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it | | remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may | | be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. | | Email: sandy.illes@canrem.com or sandyi@pathcom.com | | Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710 | | | | All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems | | for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author | | retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose. | | | | ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes | | without the express written consent of the publishers. | | | | Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited. | | ^^^^ | | Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of | | our fists. | --------------------------------------------------------------- LIKELY STORIES ______________ IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU SH*T Barrie, Ont. - An Orillia police officer's semi-automatic .40-callibre Glock pistol and 15 rounds of ammunition were stolen from the Barrie courthouse. The unnamed officer who lost the gun, a 20-year veteran of the force, had gone to the courthouse to testify in plainclothes. He took off his gun "in a public room" of the courthouse, according to Sergeant John Bateman of Orillia police, who refused to confirm or deny that the public room was a bathroom. Officers are not required to remove guns while testifying. (Guns don't kill people - stolen police guns wielded by criminals kill people.) WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, THEY TRY VOODOO Miami, Florida - Sorcery has become so rampant at Miami's county courthouse that officials have set up a squad to clean up dead chickens, goats, corn kernels, eggs, cakes, black pepper, and other voodoo items each morning. Many of the criminal defendants on trial in Dade County are Cuban and Haitian natives who turn to their gods for a little help with their legal problems. Some voodoo uses are as follows: corn kernels are supposed to speed up a trial date; eggs are expected to make a case collapse; cakes are supposed to sweeten a judge's attitude toward a defendant; and black pepper should keep someone jailed. IF YOU CAN WALK INTO THIS HOSPITAL... DON'T! Tampa, Florida - The Florida Agency for Health Care Administration has ordered University Community Hospital to halt all elective surgery until it fixes problems that have "jeopardized patient safety." One patient had the wrong foot amputated and another died after being mistakenly removed from a ventilator. The ban will last until all medical and surgical staff at the hospital have been trained in new procedures to avoid mistakes, and does not affect emergency room care. (It sounds like you wouldn't be worse off to try voodoo for treatment...) MILITANT NON-SMOKERS ONCE AGAIN PROVE THEY'RE NUTS Burnaby, B.C. - A 16-year-old deaf teenager was shot after refusing a sign language request to put out a cigarette. He had been playing cards with five other hearing-impaired people when he lit the cigarette. Michael Jonathon Mickelson, 20, was charged with attempted murder and the victim was in serious condition in hospital. (Hey, maybe smoking really DOES cause death...!) COCK-A-DOODLE-LAWSUIT Dublin, Va. - At the Volvo GM Heavy Truck Corp., it was a tradition for an employee to dress up as a rooster, sneak up behind tardy workers and surprise them with a flap of feathers and a loud crow. 50-year-old Marshall Lineberry didn't find this very funny and responded by jumping on the rooster and choking it. Volvo GM suspended Lineberry for three months for fighting. A judge has now ruled that the rooster had it coming because the act amounted to provocation sanctioned by an employer. Lineberry said he is owed $1,600 to $1,800 by GM Volvo. (I guess Lineberry hadn't had his coffee yet.) DRUNKENNESS USED TO BE AN OFFENCE - NOW IT'S A DEFENCE Montreal, Quebec - Henri Daviault, 72, had a conviction for sexual assault overturned because he claimed he was too drunk to know he raped a 65-year-old woman in a wheelchair. (I'm sure his grandchildren are proud.) WHO'D BELIEVE IT EVEN IF THEY SAW IT? Toronto, Ont. - An 80-year-old man claims he was raped by his former cleaning lady and is trying to get access to their six-year-old daughter. No other information is available at this time. WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL STUPIDITY BECOME A CRIME? Toronto, Ont. - Hussein Farhat, a 33-year-old Toronto hairdresser, was fine $5,000 and jailed for 90 days (to be served on weekends) after a jury found him guilty of attempted insurance fraud. Farhat bought a wrecked Ford Mustang for $500 and insured the car through Royal Insurance on Feb. 19, 1992, conveniently forgetting to mention that the insured car was a wrecked vehicle. On June 25, Farhat called the insurance company in distress claiming that vandals had made off with his car roof, seats, tires, a $3,500 stereo, and had mashed up virtually the entire body of the Ford which he had recently restored at great expense. He asked for $10,529 in compensation. Insurance investigator Ken Bass discovered the trashed car had the identical damages it had sustained while with the previous owner, who had been paid $12,000 by Allstate Insurance. (Stole his car ROOF??? Oh puh-leeze!) WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB REFERENCE WITH THAT? North Bay, Ont. - Chantale Pelletier, 19, was fired from a McDonald's franchise for wearing too much make-up. Pelletier, a three-year employee and aspiring model, said this is discrimination because she's being fired over her appearance, not her performance. She had already received two suspensions after verbal cautions and two official warning on her "excessive" make-up. Owner Don Miller said he was worried Pelletier's make-up might contaminate the food. (So why don't they worry about all those zit-faced boys contaminating the food, hmmmm?) "SOMETHING SMELLS FUNNY, STEWARDESS" London, England - A South African Airways flight bound for South Africa was forced to turn back and make an emergency landing in Britain after 72 flatulent pigs in the cargo bay triggered its fire alarms. GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE... San Francisco, Calif. - In a precedent-setting ruling, San Francisco Superior Court Judge James Warren said that relatives of seven people killed in a gunman's rampage can sue the manufacturer of the assault weapon for damages. Navegar Inc. of Miami, Florida makes the TEC-DC9 semi- automatic pistol that was used in the July 1, 1993 shooting at a local law office. Navegar naturally denied responsibility and said it may appeal the ruling. (Doubtless, Navegar will claim the gun has other useful purposes - perhaps as a salad shooter ) HE'S GOT A LOT OF NERVE - NO BRAINS, BUT LOTS OF NERVE New York, N.Y. - In January, 1995, David Degondea filed a $3 million lawsuit against the New York Police Department, claiming he was injured by officers during an arrest for killing another officer. Degondea was convicted of the murder. Part of the $3 million is for "loss of earnings" even though police evidence shows Degondea's only occupation was as a drug dealer. "AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN..." Kent, England - The Headcorn Parachute Club won a lawsuit against the estate of a deceased member because the woman damaged the airplane's moving propeller during her death by falling into it. BUT WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE? According to a survey done by Employment Conditions Abroad Ltd. and reported in Business Traveler International, here are the cheapest countries for a bottle of beer: (All prices are quoted in U.S. currency) Bulgaria: 36 cents Czech Republic: 39 cents Venezuela: 44 cents Slovakia: 46 cents Togo: 48 cents Zimbabwe: 50 cents Suriname: 52 cents Portugal: 54 cents Turkey: 54 cents Philippines: 55 cents WHAT A DEFENCE! Toronto, Ont. - A bitter dispute over what TV show to watch led a Toronto man to beat a woman so severely that she suffered a punctured lung as a result of a broken rib and spent two days in hospital. Donald Dunn, 45, has changed his plea to guilty of assault causing bodily harm, uttering death threats and attempted choking. The unnamed woman was a friend of his who had been staying with him while hunting for an apartment. Defence counsel Hy Rosenberg said one of the woman's injuries was caused when she struck her head on a radiator while falling after being punched by Dunn. (So the lawyer is saying she caused her own head injuries?) IT'S NOT HARD TO PREDICT HOW THIS WILL END UP Roanoke, Va. - Warren E. Smith is suing a palm reader, Lola Rose Miller (also known as Miss Stella), claiming she sold him losing lottery numbers. Smith wants Miller to pay him more than $3 million - the amount of the jackpot he would have won. (I wonder if she predicted legal troubles for herself?) A SHEEPISH STORY Kuwait - Twenty-four cars collided trying to avoid hitting a sheep strolling across a busy Kuwait City highway. The sheep was later seen wandering amid the wrecked vehicles. ("What were they trying to do?" "Mutton, honey.") WHAT KIND OF SETTLEMENT DID HE EXPECT FROM A VENGEFUL GOD? Jackson, Miss. - Joel Ford filed a $45 million lawsuit against Oxford Press, which publishes the principal edition of the Bible, on the grounds that it is based on hearsay and oppresses blacks and gays. Ford dropped the lawsuit one month later, claiming he had received threats on his life. ONE MORE REASON PARENTS SHOULDN'T TEACH THEIR CHILDREN HOW TO DRIVE Bancroft, Ont. - A father and daughter driving separate vehicles collided with each other. Doug Nicholson, 64, was driving his dump truck when he slammed into the pickup truck driven by his 34-year-old daughter Janice. She was was pushed into a ditch and slightly injured. The police have charged her with driving without a licence. Doug Nicholson, who owns both vehicles, has been charged with failing to yield. THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR ASKING THE EXPERTS Toronto, Ont. - Jerry Greer, 42, took the advice of the Toronto Humane Society to get rid of the raccoons in his attic. He also burned his family out of their house. The humane society had suggested, in a recorded message, that Greer loudly play a radio, spread the area with cayenne pepper and illuminate it with a spotlight. Greer did all three. The fire caused an estimated $40,000 damage to the house in which the Greers had lived only 18 months. George Banton, past president of the Toronto Humane Society, said, "Suspending a light from the ceiling is the answer. That way it won't get knocked over by animals." Unfortunately, that information was apparently not included in the recorded message. GUESS IT WASN'T HIS LUCKY DAY Hamilton, Ont. - A 38-year-old man found badly beaten in an alley was in critical condition after the emergency vehicle speeding him to the hospital crashed with a van. SETTING UP THE CONVICTS FOR A CAREER IN BLACKMAIL... Mimico, Ont. - Inmates are shredding confidential government documents at a work program in provincial jails. Sensitive records from the ministry of corrections, Ontario Hydro, the agriculture ministry, and agencies including the Queen St. Mental Health Clinic are shredded at Mimico and Guelph correctional centres. Corrections spokesman Ross Virgo said the government wouldn't sanction such a program if there was a security threat. (Uh huh...) For those who care, this is how Trilcor Industries, a corrections ministry agency, advertised its shredding service in a recent issue of a civil service newspaper: "Whether you are doing a major record purge, preparing for a move or require scheduled pickup, our specialized off-site security shredding offer cost-effective solutions for you." PROOF THAT LOTTERY FEVER CAN DRIVE YOU NUTS Stanberry, Mo. - 21-year-old Michael Marcum was arrested for the theft of six 350-pound power company transformers. He said he needed them for a time machine he was building. His plan was to travel a few days into the future, get the winning lottery numbers, then return to buy tickets. (Perhaps Marcum is a victim of the great Lithium shortage of 1995?) AND DON'T FORGET TO HAVE YOURSELF A NICE DAY Dundalk, Md. - When 15-year-old William Patrick Ford was refused change for a dollar by a liquor store owner, Ford shot the man dead. The victim's last words were, "What do I look like, a bank?" (More like a corpse, actually.) UMMM, UMMM, IT'S FINGER LICKIN' GOOD! Jerusalem, Israel - Two Thais were deported for eating the folowing zoo animals: four goats and forty parrots, a pair of lovebirds and other animals. The two men were caught with a cooked goose in hand after breaking into the children's zoo on Kibbutz Mishmar Hasharon and being trapped by an ambush. The pair admitted that they sneaked in from a nearby farm where they worked and ate the animals. On orders from a court in the central Israeli city of Netanya, the two men have been deported to Thailand. WONDER WHICH WINE GOES BEST WITH AN OVERDOSE OF COCAINE Scarborough, Ont. - A 19-year-old woman died after swallowing cocaine so it wouldn't fall into the hands of raiding police officers. Dexter Brown, who delayed taking her to hospital, is on trial, accused of criminal negligence causing the death of Audrey Grenier. (Ummmm, wasn't she in the process of committing a crime herself?) IT'S DEFINITELY NOT PUPPY LOVE Florida - The unnamed owner of a female dog named Sheba didn't believe in spaying or neutering his pets - he did, however, believe in burying them alive. He buried nine of Sheba's pups in a two-foot grave and a day later, Sheba broke free from her chain and dug them up. At last word, police were considering charges. (Only considering???) WHO WOULD WANT TO PLAY THIS CHARACTER - CHARLES MANSON? Bethlehem, Pa. - Jeffrey Howorth, 16, has been charged in the shooting deaths of his parents and will be tried as an adult. His mother was shot nine times and his father was shot five times with a .22-calibre weapon. Police found a note from Jeffrey to his 20-year-old brother Stephen which said, "I told you I would do it Steve. You can't say I didn't warn you. I want a movie to be made of me after I kill everyone." (Heck, maybe FOX will turn this sordid story into a TV series.) SOME PEOPLE HAVE ALL THE LUCK Charleston, W.Va. - Someone dropped a bag full of cash on a residential street, sending people into a money-grabbing frenzy. By the time police arrived, every dollar was gone. One 14-year-old girl picked up $1,700 which she turned in to the police. No other money was turned in. Police don't know who dropped the clear cellophane bag of $10, $20, and $50 dollar bills, or how much was in the bag. Nobody has reported the money missing. THIS EXPLAINS ALL THOSE PORKY GOLFERS, ANYWAY Centreville, N.S. - Hog farmer Osbourne Ward wasn't allowed to turn some unproductive land into a golf course because the land was zoned agricultural, so he got around it by selling golfers a bag of lawnseed or a side of pork and threw in nine holes of golf free. The land has now been rezoned recreational. DON'T BOTHER LIFTING YOUR VOICE IN THESE CHURCHES Greensburg, Pa. - Two women banned from two churches for praying too loudly told the bishop they've been acting on messages from "the heavens" and won't turn down the volume. Joan Sudwoj, 43, and Cynthia Balconi, 60, were arrested as they tried to attend Good Friday services at Blessed Sacrament Cathedral in defiance of a court order. A judge had barred them from the church and from nearby Holy Cross church after complaints that their rosary-chanting and loud praying interrupted masses and other services. OUCH! Martinez, Calif. - Jesse Sandoval, a diabetic whose penis was amputated by staff at Merrithew Memorial Hospital, is seeking $800,000, alleging mistakes at the hospital led to the operation. On Oct. 27, Sandoval went to the hospital seeking treatment for a sore on his penis. The next day, surgeons operated to relieve tightness on the skin. He returned to the hospital Nov. 3 and surgeons amputated the penis. Sandoval claims the amputation could have been avoided if doctors had given him antibiotics and a circumcision when he first went for treatment. (Will ANY amount of money compensate for a loss like that?) WONDER WHAT KIND OF CAR GOD DRIVES? Springfield, Ore. - The New Life Centre Church offered a drive-thru passion play for Easter. The program took only 12 minutes for five scenes. Cars had to turn off their motors for each scene and, after a time of viewing, were waved along by parking attendants. (God probably drives a Plymouth because everyone knows he drove Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden in a Fury) MOTHER OF THE YEAR Vancouver, B.C. - Verna Vaudreuil, 29, killed her five- year-old son Matthew by cupping her hand over his mouth. Matthew was neglected, severely beaten, emotionally abused, starved and tied up with rope, but Ms. Vaudreuil had this to say, "You're making out like it's me - that I'm the bad person, which I'm not." She claimed that she didn't know why nine of Matthew's ribs were fractured or why he had rope marks around his mid-section. (Where is June Cleaver when you need her?) CANADA - LAND OF WELFARE OPPORTUNITIES Toronto, Ont. - Sharon Maxwell, 31, was found guilty of ripping off $56,000 from social assistance but was not cut off from welfare. She was ordered to do community service and pay back $70 a month. Without interest, it will take her 67 years to repay the entire amount. (So her welfare tab will be paid when she's 98 years old... hmmm!) THIS IS NOT A MADE-UP STORY! Windsor, Ontario - Gary Nespolon, 48, won $175,746 from the estate of the 14-year-old boy he ran over on April 8, 1988. Nespolon claimed he has suffered psychological trauma - recurring nightmares, estrangement from one son and a strained relationship with his other son, has twice separated from his wife, is unable to work steadily, and suffers from tremendous guilt and grief - because Kevin Snider, lying in the road in a drunken sleep, forced Nespolon to be "the instrument of the boy's death." (Surely the world has gone insane???) PERHAPS HE SHOULD HAVE TRIED "SNAPPLE ANONYMOUS"? Leonia, N.J. - Kevin Simpkin, 27, was fired for swigging the Snapple he was supposed to be delivering to stores, so he allegedly swiped a Snapple delivery truck while dressed in a Snapple uniform and headed for New York City, where he planned to sell the truck and its contents. The truck was stopped after it hit a utility pole and Simpkin was arrested. Simpkin was charged with theft and receiving stolen property and was held on $25,000 bail. His 17-year-old nephew who was also in the stolen vehicle was remanded to a juvenile detention center. AMWAY'S BEST SALESMEN Halton, Ont. - Two Halton police officers are facing charges of misconduct following a 4-month probe in connection with the sale of Amway products while on duty. Constables Sydney Black, 42, and Garry Coles, 36, are to appear before a police tribunal on May 2, 1995. (I'm guessing the sales pitch went something like this, "Would you prefer to receive this speeding ticket or purchase some of our wonderful Amway products?") DUH-H-H-H! Grimsby, Ont. - Carroll Haley, 36, attempted to steal a van that contained two police officers conducting surveillance to solve a rash of vehicle thefts at the Beamer Conservation area. Haley tried to pry open the window of the van, then realized the front door was unlocked and just went inside. The arresting officers had been staked out in the van for about an hour before the break-in. NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT Moncton, N.B. - Mary Gusella, president of the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency, may be replaced as president because she only spent 28 days or partial days at ACOA's headquarters in her first six months on the job. The job pays between $128,000 and $155,000 per year. (It looks like she saw an opportunity and took advantage of it, now doesn't it?) AND WHAT WAS HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, ANYWAY? Edmonton, Alberta - Showing the kind of tact that would get him shot if Canadians carried guns, Tory member of Parliament Julius Yankowsky said that many single mothers are "vindictive leech moms." MAYBE THE GUARD WANTS TO SEE THIS KID GET THE DEATH PENALTY Americus, Georgia - 11-year-old Tashika Embry was handcuffed by a Big B drugstore security guard when he caught her doodling on a tablet. Tashika was leaving the drugstore when she saw an open box of felt pens. She took out one of the pens and wrote "Big B" on the back of a writing tablet and made a mark on a piece of poster board. JUST ONE MORE HAPPY MEMORY FOR THE BRIDE Barrie, Ont. - A bridesmaid and her husband spent a night in jail after a fight at a wedding reception. Police had received a complaint that a couple was fighting and arrested the husband. The bridesmaid, who was sitting in the police cruiser, objected and began to kick out the window with her red high-heeled shoes and flowers in her hair. The police had to subdue her with pepper spray. (It's just a guess, but I'd say this couple will be taken off everyone's guest list.) I GUESS "NICENESS DAY" WAS OVER Ottawa, Ont. - Taxi driver Narinder Walia is being refused compensation by a couple whose baby boy was born in his cab. Luis Panchi and Annabel Galban called a taxi when Galban went into labor but the baby didn't wait until the mother reached the hospital. The driver kept the meter running - to the tune of $200 - and says he deserves compensation for the lost time and cleanup but will settle for a new set of seat covers. Galban said, "I'm sorry about what happened but it's not my fault." (So whose fault is it, then? I mean, the cab driver didn't make the woman pregnant, did he?) ISN'T THERE A DIFFERENCE? Toronto, Ont. - John Young, 57, was sentenced to two years in prison for possessing a large library - 150 tapes - of kiddie porn. Mr. Justice John Hamilton said, "You had a library of films and your place looked like a Jumbo Video store." Young's lawyer John Bennett said, "He had no involvement with young boys and he didn't produce or star in the films. He's a guy that collected porn. Earlier in his life he collected stamps." (Only a lawyer would try to equate collecting kiddie porn with collecting stamps.) OH PUH-LEEZE Toronto, Ont. - A 33-year-old woman who accused an escort service owner of sexually assaulting her had called the escort agency after a night of drinking. The owner, Michael Joseph Smith, 30, went to her hotel room after a price had been agreed upon. She testified in court that she was just looking for company and not sex but that she passed out and when she awoke, Smith was having intercourse with her. Upon regaining consciousness, her first words were not "Help" or "Stop" - they were "You're not wearing a condom." She also told a friend that "I wanted Chippendale but got Sears Roebuck," that Smith looked like "a bug-eyed Billy Crystal," and that Smith had a small penis. (She didn't get Sears Roebuck because they guarantee satisfaction or your money back. Heh!) _________________________________________________________________________ The Sadomasochist's Olympic Team (c)1995 Sandy Illes First there was the Olympics, then there was the Gay Olympics, then there was the Disabled Olympics, and now there will finally be a Sadomasochist's Olympics! The newest star of the Canadian team is O. E. Hurtz, a 5-time winner of the whipping finals held in Great Britain last year. O. won a standing ovation at the tryouts for having taken 97 lashes with a cat'o'nine tails while applying Absorbine Jr. and begging for more. Stiff competition will come from China, where Lo Down Bad has already proved himself a glutton for punishment by personally removing all of his own fingernails with bamboo sticks and attempting to open a can of Coke with bleeding thumbs. The United States champion, Billy Bob "I've Been A Bad Boy" Bareknees, is a worthy contender. Billy Bob once thought he was a prowler in his own home and shot himself. When he realized his mistake, Billy Bob shot himself again just to make sure. Tickets to the Sadomasochist's Olympics can be had by calling 1-800-IT-HURTS. _________________________________________________________________________ THE EBOLA VIRUS - HOW IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE (c)1995 Mary Stewart Tired of your boring life? Do you wish you could lose weight? Get some media attention and see your picture in the paper? Get away from it all? Now you can do all of that, thanks to the amazing new ebola virus! The ebola virus is currently only available in Zaire, so you will have to book a flight through a travel agent, sprout wings, or start paddling. Once in Zaire, you must discover a way to contact someone who already has the ebola virus. This will not be difficult since many people have left the quarantine area and will be available for infectious purposes. How can you tell if someone has the ebola virus? The bleeding eyeballs are a sure sign. Since ebola is transmitted through bodily fluids, you might want to engage in some french-kissing or you may prefer to just wipe some bloodstains from the victim's oozing eyes. What To Do Once You Have Contacted Ebola ---------------------------------------- Make a will. Since you only have a few days to live, it's best if you put your last wishes in writing as soon as possible. Fulfill that vindictive urge you've been supressing and spread ebola to as many people as possible. Heck, take a flight back to Toronto and see if ebola can catch on in this northern climate. Don't start reading any continued books. The Benefits Of Ebola --------------------- You will no longer have to worry about whether the government raises the age at which old people can receive pensions. You can max out your Amex card without a second thought. You will never again have to worry about growing old alone. What If You Change Your Mind? ----------------------------- Tough noogies. Although a few people have actually lived through a bout with ebola, chances are high that you won't be one of them. How Much Weight Can I Expect To Lose With Ebola? ------------------------------------------------ All of it. You can be the corpse with the figure to die for! ================================================================== The preceding has been a public service message brought to you by the people at "Viruses Have Rights Too," a charity organized by lunatics and funded by the provincial government of Ontario. _________________________________________________________________________ BEER - IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE (c)1995 Sandy Illes Beer was invented by a Babylonian who was tired of eating poisoned mushrooms. He wanted the effects of poisoned mushrooms (dizziness, slurred speech, some vomiting) without the inherent risk of inconvenient and immediate death. Upon discovering beer, the Babylonian approached a marketing company about the best way to sell his product. When they asked him what it did, he said: - It causes your bladder to empty itself about every 15 minutes - It makes you see double and think ugly people are attractive - It makes you stumble and fall down - It makes you talk loudly - It can induce such sleepiness that people fall asleep right on the spot - It can induce nausea and vomiting - It produces a wicked hangover - It causes you to have a fat stomach - It makes people who'd never get any exercise if their office chairs didn't have wheels go to ballgames and scream instructions to million-dollar athletes The marketing executive who heard this cried out, "Eureka! This product is perfect for recreation! We'll run print ads, put up billboards, and run TV ad campaigns as soon as TV is invented! We'll market the product with slogans like 'It's the right beer now; and call it 'The Silver Bullet'! People will drink until they vomit and then drink some more! We'll be rich, I tell you, rich!" And that is why, today, we have so many friggin' beer ads haunting us everywhere we go. _________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW A GUY DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU (c)1995 Sandy Illes 10. During sex he calls out another woman's name. 9. During sex he calls out a man's name. 8. During sex he calls out his own name. 7. During sex he calls out the name of his pet. 6. During sex he talks on his cel phone. 5. During sex he orders from the Sears catalogue. 4. During sex he answers the phone and says, "Oh, I'm not doing anything." 3. During sex he asks you, "What did you say your name was?" 2. During sex he plays Nintendo. 1. After sex he asks you to turn off the lights on the way out. _________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS DEPRESSED ============================================(c)1994 Sandy Illes 10. It's hard to understand what they're saying because the noose is wrapped around their neck too tightly. 9. Blood from their slit veins is staining your carpet. 8. Their voice is muffled because their head is poked inside your gas oven. 7. They're talking to you from the top of a 20-storey building. 6. They're wearing cement shoes to go swimming. 5. They've covered themselves in gasoline and are asking if you have a match. 4. They really don't care if the rent is behind because they're about to skydive without a parachute. 3. They're lying in the street like a speed bump waiting for a car to come along and run them over. 2. They've replaced their blood with Folger's Crystals. 1. They've offered to play goalie for your darts match. ========================================================= Irony: A burning victim noting in his will that he wants to be cremated. Stupidity: Trying to stab yourself to death with a gun. ========================================================= _________________________________________________________________________ THE OJ QUIZ =========== (c)1995 Sandy Illes -------------------------------------------------------------- Part I (multiple choice) -------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Do you believe that one racist cop could have planted all the DNA evidence incriminating OJ? (a) Certainly, since it's obvious Detective Fuhrman had been planning this for months and, in fact, Detective Fuhrman will be proved to be the killer of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman. (b) Certainly not, since anyone can see that OJ suffers from paranoid delusions and is badly in need of some Lithium which he can't afford since his lawyers are taking every penny he has. (c) I personally planted all the DNA evidence and haven't even been called as a witness. Mwahaha! -------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Do you think OJ killed his wife and her friend? (a) Of course! The only thing missing is a reliable witness who hasn't always dreamed of being a key witness in a celebrity murder case. (b) No way! The entire LAPD is collaborating on a huge cover-up of the "real" evidence in an effort to get OJ convicted. (c) I believe the lawyers committed the murders in an effort to obtain all of OJ's money. -------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Do you think OJ will be convicted of the murders? (a) Yes, and Judge Ito will make sure he gets a good talking-to so he won't ever do something like this again. (b) No, because he's innocent, man. All you have to do is look at his face to realize that a brother just wouldn't do this kind of sh*t. (c) It will be a hung jury - literally. All the jury members, frustrated by the seemingly endless legal bafflegab, will be found hanging from the ceiling rafters of their sequestered rooms. -------------------------------------------------------------- 4. What do you think will happen to OJ if he is convicted? (a) He'll write another book and make millions of dollars from gullible people who will buy it. (b) He'll become the wife of a guy named Spike. (c) His lawyers will appeal and another jury will be selected, only this time the trial won't end so quickly. -------------------------------------------------------------- 5. What do you think will happen if OJ is freed? (a) He'll write another book and make millions of dollars from gullible people who will buy it. (b) He'll be declared a hero, there will be a parade in his honor, and every second Saturday of April will be officially declared OJ Day during which there will be in-store specials on knives and Ford Broncos. (c) The prosecution will appeal, there will be a new trial that will cost taxpayers double what this one did, and another group of reluctant jurors will have to be found by placing ads in overseas newspapers. -------------------------------------------------------------- 6. What reason did OJ privately give his lawyers for having committed the double murder? (a) Tired of groupies asking for his autograph and just cracked when Nicole shoved divorce papers in his face and said, "Sign this." (b) He thought she and Goldman were prowlers. (c) His celebrity hunting license specifically gave him permission to kill any two people he felt like each year. -------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Why does OJ think he should get away with it? (a) Because he didn't do something disgusting like Pee Wee Herman or Hugh Grant. (b) Because many people have forgotten that he's the one who's supposed to be on trial - not Detective Fuhrman. (c) Because his dream team of lawyers has been successful in getting much of the incriminating evidence suppressed. -------------------------------------------------------------- 8. How does OJ claim the murders must have happened? (a) Nicole and Ronald Goldman stabbed each other to death. (b) Aliens doing medical experiments that went horribly wrong beamed the bodies to the crime scene. (c) Elvis, his mind muddled by years of drug abuse, accidentally murdered the victims because he thought they were hallucinations. -------------------------------------------------------------- 9. How does OJ explain the victims' blood found in his Bronco and his home? (a) Goldman must have cut himself shaving while he was prowling around the house. (b) During her last blood transfusion, the doctors gave Nicole too much blood and some of it leaked out while she was visiting OJ. (c) It was all planted by Detective Fuhrman who is secretly in love with OJ and didn't take OJ's rejection well. -------------------------------------------------------------- Part II (true or false) -------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Johnnie Cochrane and Robert Shapiro will continue to represent OJ Simpson after he runs out of money. True ___ False ___ 2. It is possible that the dog, Kato, committed the murders. True ___ False ___ 3. It is possible that the houseguest, Kato, committed the murders. True ___ False ___ 4. Detective Fuhrman planted the evidence to incriminate OJ because he personally committed the murders. True ___ False ___ -------------------------------------------------------------- Scoring: If you answered all of the questions, you have obviously been watching too much of the OJ trial on TV. You need to get a life. -------------------------------------------------------------- _________________________________________________________________________ WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE TURN EVIL (c)1995 Mary Stewart Jehovah's Witnesses: "Satan told us to visit your house." Santa Claus: "Hello? I'd like to order another 600,000 tonnes of coal..." Hairdressers: "The 'bald spot' look is the latest thing from Paris. Heh heh!" Politicians: (Who could tell the difference?) Postmen: "I can SELL you this letter from your cousin..." Computer hackers: "I think I'll upload a virus to myself." Ministers: "What would Jimmy Swaggart or Jim Bakker do in a situation like this?" Butchers: "What do you mean I have to kill the animal before I start carving it???" Environmentalists: "Hey, let's burn Smokey the bear in effigy... no, let's burn him in person!" Marine biologists: "Could you pass me another slice of that extremely rare white whale meat? It's finger lickin' good!" Astronauts: "Okay, mission control, I'm taking this baby to Venus and don't you try to stop me. I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it." _________________________________________________________________________ YOU KNOW YOU'RE HEADED FOR A LIFE OF CRIME WHEN... ================================================== (c)1994 Sandy Illes ... The kids at school refer to you as "Capo." ... You force your parents to sign fake notes excusing you from school... at gunpoint. ... The words the other kids in grade 3 say to you most often are "Don't shoot!" ... Your probation officer is the same age as you - and you're 8. ... The principal pays you protection money. ... Your April Fool's prank traditionally involves shooting a teacher. ... You still have to take Children's Aspirin but are selling heroin at school. ... The school is afraid to suspend you. ... You've been on the FBI's Most Wanted list since you were 5. ... You try to bribe judges with Transformers and GI Joe figurines. ... You don't have a clue about basic math but know everything about Uzis. ... You began hijacking in kindergarden - with a school bus. ... You haven't even reached puberty - but run a prostitution ring. ... Your homeroom teacher has already made two attempts on your life. ... There's a cell in Sing Sing reserved in your name. _________________________________________________________________________ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES _________________________________________________________________________ Bill Clinton and the pope are fishing in a boat. A gust of wind blows the pope's hat off, carrying it 100 yards out into the sea. Bill Clinton jumps out of the boat, walks on the water to the hat. He picks it up and walks on the water back to the boat, giving the hat back to the grateful pope. The next day, the headlines of all the newspapers read "CLINTON CAN'T SWIM!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- An international law firm is advertising for a paralegal who can type, answer the phone, take dictation, and speak more than one language. To their surprise, the first applicant is a black and white Scotch terrier. They are even more astonished to find that the dog can type 125 words a minute, has an excellent telephone voice, and knows shorthand. The personnel manager is flabbergasted. "You're really an extraordinary dog," she says, "But what about the foreign language requirement?" "Meow," replies the dog. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you're driving down a highway, and you see Saddam Hussein on one side, and a lawyer on the other? Which one do you hit first? Answer: Saddam Hussein - business before pleasure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever heard why women are typically weaker at math? Because all their lives they've been told |-------------------------------| was six inches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This sweet young thing goes to her doctor for a routine exam. Of course he has to examine her privates. As she is up on the table in the stirrups, he exclaims, "WHAT A BIG HOLE......what a big hole!" The girl is pretty embarrassed but responds. "I know! You don't have to say it twice!" The doctor replies, "I didn't!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can always tell when I have PMS because I go to the store for chocolate, sanitary supplies, and hollow-point bullets. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- OJ's lawyer walked into the cell on death row and said, "I've got good news and bad news for you." OJ says, "Okay, What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the governor won't issue a stay of execution." "Thats awful. What could possibly be the good news?" "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to see his doctor. He had been feeling very tired and was also suffering from anxiety. The conversation went as follows: Doctor : Will you please describe a typical day ? Patient: Well, I wake at about 7.00 a.m. I normally make love to my wife before I get out of bed. I shower, have breakfast, and go to work at 8.00 a.m. I'm picked up by the company driver and he takes me to work. He's gay, luckily for me, as I'm bisexual, and I normally have sex with him on the way to work. I get to the office at about 8.45 a.m. I'm usually lucky to find Mrs. Jones, our office cleaner, still at work. We've known each other a long time and since she got divorced I've been helping her out in a "husband" kind of way. I start work at 9.00 a.m. I have a coffee break at 11.00 a.m. and can usually manage to slip down the road to see Jean at the hairdresser's. She was one of my first girl friends and I still love her in my own way. I go back to work until 12 noon. I normally have a two hour lunch break and that gives me time to visit an old guy I know who lives near the park. He's very passive in nature and I have sex with him for most of the lunch period. I return to the office at about 2.p.m. and work till 5.00p.m. My secretary normally works late at the office and I usually make love to her before going to Joe's bar for a drink. There's usually a couple of hookers there and I feel sorry for them. I can usually afford to go with one of them before I go home for dinner. I get home about 8.00 p.m. I go to bed at about 10.00 p.m. I make love to my wife two or three times then I get some sleep before starting all over again. I'm terribly worried about seeing you today and I have difficulty sleeping. Doctor: You do this every day of your life? Patient: Yes, apart from weekends. On Saturdays I visit the kids and my ex-wife. She was always very keen on sex and still has a soft spot for me. But, Doctor,I'm so terribly worried. Doctor: There, there, we'll sort you out. Now what about Sundays? Patient: Well, I tell my wife I go fishing but really I go to the gay baths. There are usually about 15 of us there and we have a real good time. I stay there for about 6 hours, then go the supermarket to buy some fish. Oh, Doctor, I'm so worried. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time. What can I do? Doctor: Well ,it's no wonder you're tired. Having intercourse as often as you do simply isn't good for you. You'll have to cut down on the frequency of intercourse. For the present I suggest that you abstain from it completely until you get your strength back. You see, there's nothing to worry about! Rest and relax, and everything will be fine. Patient: Are you sure that's all I need to do, Doc? You see I've been so worried. Doctor: Yes. Certain. Patient: Oh thank you. I'm feeling better already. I was so worried about what you might tell me. Doctor: Relax. Patient: I thought you might tell me to stop masturbating. And I couldn't possibly give that up. I'd just die! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He happens upon this guy from the zoo and he's looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to import the ape they wanted. They want to hire the actor to be that ape. Although the guy thinks this is pretty stupid, he takes the job anyway. The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesn't look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt. He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple weeks, he's swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd. One day he's showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lion's cage. Immediately, the lion is stalking him. The actor backs up as far as he can, and when he sees no other option, he starts screaming his lungs out. "HELP ME! HELP ME!" With that, the lion whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us all fired!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new Ronald Reagan Personal Computer? The keyboard doesn't have a colon, and the system doesn't have any memory. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does everyone know that Rose Kennedy was actually buried at sea? Apparently Teddy was driving the hearse. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. He's sitting there drinking his beer, minding his own business. Next to him sits a really huge guy. All of a sudden the great big guy turns to him and, whack, knocks the little guy off the bar stool, across the floor, up against the wall. The little fellow doesn't know what hit him. He picks himself up and walks over to the bar stool and sits back down. He turns to the guy and says, "What on earth was that for?" The big guy says, "That was karate from Korea." The little fellow thinks, well, this's guy's wacko. I'm going to finish my beer and get out of here. But all of a sudden the big guy turns on him again and, bang, knocks the little fellow off the bar stool, across the floor and up against the wall. The little fellow doesn't know what hit him. He picks himself up and figures, this guy is definitely wacko - I'm going to finish my beer and get out of here. "What was that for?" he asks. "That was judo from Japan," replies the brute. The little fellow thinks, Well, it's time to exit. So he leaves. About a half hour later the little fellow peeks his head in the bar and the big guy is still sitting there. So he tiptoes up behind him and just goes wham! The big fellow is down and out cold. The bartender walks up to see what's going on, and the little fellow looks at the bartender and says, "When that son of a bitch comes to, you tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy walked into an ice-cream store wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of six-shooters. He asked the clerk for an ice-cream sundae. The clerk asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed?" The little boy whipped out his guns, pointed them at her, and said, "Do you want your t*ts shot off?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A women was considering buying an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal. After the vet had completed his examination, she asked, "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The neighbor said, "I bought a used car, but it's almost new...it was used by a doctor only to make house calls." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The doctor asked his drunken patient: "Are you drinking lots of liquid like I told you?" The drunk replied: "Yesh! And I've got the flu four-fifths whipped!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor had given his patient all sorts of tests and couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. "You've either got a bad cold or you're pregnant," he told her. The patient thought for a moment and said, "Golly, Doc, I can't think of anyone who could have given me a cold." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks? A. Professional courtesy. Q. What's the difference between God and an attorney? A. God doesn't think he's an attorney. Q. What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger? A. A mugger uses a gun. Q. What's the best way to save a marriage? A. Go out and price a few divorce lawyers! Q. What is the first thing you should do after running over an attorney? A. Back up. Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer? A. His partners. Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night Judge O'Brien tottered into his house very late and very drunk indeed... so bombed that he managed to throw up all over himself. In the morning, he sheepishly told his wife that a drunk sitting next to him on the train had managed to vomit all over him. The Judge managed to make it to the courthouse. It occurred to him that his story might not be truly convincing to his wife. Inspired, he called home and said, "Honey, you won't believe this, but I just had the drunk who threw up on me last night show up in court, and I gave him 30 days." "Give him 60 days," said the judge's wife, "he sh*t in your pants, too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day this lawyer was approached by the devil. The devil says to him, "I will make you the richest man on earth, make you irresistible to all women, and everyone will believe everything you say. All you have to do is kill your mother, your sister, your father, your Aunt Mary, your pet hamster, and steal some child's candy." The lawyer looks at the Devil strangely for a moment, and says, "I don't get it. Where's the catch?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?" The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A florist finished making deliveries and stopped off in a coffee shop. As he sat there, three bikers right out of a biker movie came in. Garbed in black leather, with tattoos running the length of their arms, the bikers looked at the mild-mannered florist and tried to get him riled. They made fun of his pink shirt. They threatened him in a dozen ways. He smiled at them, finished his coffee and pie, and started out. The bikers followed him out. In the parking area, they again tried to get him to put up his fists. He walked away. Laughing at him, the bikers strode back into the coffee shop. A few minutes later, a man who'd witnessed the taunting outside came into the diner and said, "That guy wasn't much of a fighter. I'll tell you something else, too. He isn't much of a driver either. He just ran his van over three bikes!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just got back from a visit with the LAPD and boy am I beat. Come to LA, where they'll treat you like a KING! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What were Ron Goldman's last words? A. Hey! You're OJ Simpson! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man to wife after returning from a January business trip: Honey, it was so cold that the attorneys all had their hands in their own pockets. lf a lawyer and an lRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Lawyer: A member of that profession dedicated to protecting you from other members of that profession. Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law. Lawyer's mother: "My son is a brilliant attorney. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it's verbal or written." Lawyer defending a boy who murdered his parents: "Your honor, I ask for leniency. The boy is an orphan." Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence? Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny. In response to Dan Quayle's attacks, the American Bar Association issued a statement claiming the problem isn't too many lawyers, it's that there just aren't enough ambulances. If there is only one lawyer in town, he is usually poor. But if there are 2 lawyers in town, they are usually both rich. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Greg, who was charged with fraud and embezzlement, was alone at the defendant's desk on the day of the trial. "Are we to understand that you are representing yourself?" the judge asked. "Well, Your Honour, I tried to hire an attorney," Greg explained, "but when he found out I didn't steal the $500,000, he turned down my case and threw me out of the office." A very rich man died with no will. The widow was talking with his lawyer. "You were with him when he died?" asked the lawyer. "Yes," the widow replied. "If I knew what his last words were, I could divide his possessions better among your children and yourself," the lawyer told her. "Very well," said the widow, "If it will help, he said, `Don't try to scare me, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'" A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry - you'll never go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime. _________________________________________________________________________