%CLS `3 You pull a dusty book from the shelves and look at the cover. It says: `1 ---------------------- `% A TALE OF TWO CRAZIES! `7 Written by Mike Snyder `1 ---------------------- `3 You wince at the title and quickly ask Shakespeare where on Earth the `3 Hospital dredged up this masterpiece. He shushes you and grabs a feather `3 duster in his continued effort to arrange the books and make the library `3 look nice. You shake your head and return to the book. %KEY %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 It was the best of rhymes... it was the worst of rhymes. In fact, `5 it was simultaneously good and bad, the bad having good merit, and the `5 good having a somewhat bad overtone. At places, the good was mixed `5 with the bad, and in other places, the two were entirely separated. `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `3 "ACK!" You say out loud. "This book sucks!" Shakespeare shushes you `3 again. You frown a little, and decide what to do next. `6 Will You: `%1 `8þ `7Continue reading the horrid literature `6 `%2 `8þ `7Close the book and forget about it `6 `%3 `8þ `7Tear the crazy book to shreds %COM 3 Read1 Close1 Tear1 %ESC %TEAR1 %CLS `3 In a mad frenzy, you tear pages from the book, laughing all the while. `3 This, Shakespeare notices. Being the well-adjusted mental patient he `3 is, Shakespeare promptly summons two large interns. They inject you `3 with something that knocks you out quickly, and haul your limp body to `3 the Shock Therapy room. The treatment, fortunately, is mild, and you `3 are back on your feet in no time. Bet ya won't try THAT again! %ESC %CLOSE1 %CLS `3 You decide the book is definitely not worth it, so you close it, place `3 it neatly back onto the bookshelf, and nod to Shakespeare. %ESC %READ1 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 The rhyme about which I speak was called "`#I'm NOT Your Momma`5" It `5 was written over a span of two centuries by two very intellegent (and `5 surprisingly old) men by the names of Z. Hammil and H. Zammil. `5 Zammil, sipping a thimble-full of cool-aid one day, received a very `5 odd phone call from someone he didn't know. For well over an hour he `5 argued with the party on the line, desparately insisting that he was `5 NOT the old woman's mother. Why he didn't just hang up, no one knows. `5 Nevertheless, it inspired him to begin "I'm NOT Your Momma" (previosly `5 titled "If I could reach through that phone I'd strangle you, you `5 hard-of-hearing, wrinkled-up old bag, and for the last time I'm NOT Your `5 Momma", which his editor shortened to simply "I'm NOT Your Momma"). `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ %KEY `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 Hammil, on the other hand, after receiving a similar call from the same `5 old woman, promptly hung up the phone and went about his business. `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `3 Somehow, you feel the force of your own crazy mind taking over the story `3 at that point (kind of cool, huh?) `6 Pick: `%1 `8þ `7Zammil meets Hammil at the local Toy Store `6 `%2 `8þ `7Zammil calls Hammil to complain about the phone call `6 `%3 `8þ `7You close the stupid book and forget about it %COM 3 ToyStore1 PhoneCall1 Close1 %ESC %PHONECALL1 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 Being very close friends, Himmal Zammal called Zimmal Hammil to begin `5 complaining about his recent phone conversation. `5 "Shut Up!" Hammil screamed into the phone on that fateful day. "She `5 wasn't a nuisance at all. Are you some kind of moron?" `5 "Oh yeah, you crusty old cow," challenged Zammil. "How about if I `5 drive my crusty old Mercedes right up..." But at that time Zammil's wife `5 interrupted the conversation by yelling severly at him. `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `6 Pick: `%1 `8þ `7Hammil goes over to Zammil's place to thrash him `6 `%2 `8þ `7Zammil changes his name to "Pierre" %COM 2 HamToZam1 Pierre1 %ESC %TOYSTORE1 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 As fate would have it, the two of them collided in the toy store the `5 very next day. Hammil punched Zammil and told him to watch where he `5 was going, but then the two began to behave like the old friends they `5 were. After that, they began work on "I'm NOT Your Momma," which was `5 to be a landmark in American Poetry." `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `6 Pick: `%1 `8þ `7Close this book before it totally rots your mind `6 `%2 `8þ `7Continue reading about the start of the Poem %COM 2 Close1 Read2 %ESC %HAMTOZAM1 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 Not at all pleased with the threat of having a Mercedes Driven up.... `5 Hammil hastily hops into his beat-up '82 Escort to go instruct Zammil `5 about the error of his ways. But upon arrival, his mood is softened, `5 and the two of them begin to work on The most reknowned poem ever. `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `6 Pick: `%1 `8þ `7Close this book before it totally rots your mind `6 `%2 `8þ `7Continue reading about the start of the Poem %COM 2 Close1 Read2 %ESC %PIERRE1 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 "Woman, you're driving me crazy!" Zammil Yelled. His wife just smiled `5 and offered him a jelly biscuit. "I don't WANT a jelly biscuit!" Zammil `5 retorted. "Can't you see I've just been through a major trauma, after `5 talking to some old woman for well over an hour, trying to convince her `5 I wasn't her Momma?" His wife smiled once again and offered him a `5 bag of marbles. "Woman! Are you not aware that I am at this point `5 mentally distressed?" `5 "Yes, that's why I was giving you a bag of marbles, you clod." `5 After that, Zammil moved to Tibet, changed his name to "Pierre", and `5 never did write the poem he was destined to. `# The End... `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `3 You close the book, wipe a tear from your eye, and give silent applause `3 to Zammil's bravery. %ESC %READ2 %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 At Zammil's house, Hammil and Zammil put pen to paper to begin the most `5 famous epic poem of all time. Here is a small section: `2 How many times, oh how many times `2 Must I repeat this to you `2 If I can not convince you this `2 Then what else can I do? `2 If I've said it once, I surely know `2 I must have said it ten `2 But just because you're so darned deaf `2 I'll repeat it once again `2 I should not now, nor should I ever `2 be subjected to such trauma `2 Why can't you just understand `2 Woman, I'm NOT Your Momma! `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ %KEY %CLS `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ `5 With Hammil's help, Zammil composed over eleven-hundred pages (single `5 spaced, mind you) in the epic "I'm NOT Your Momma." It has since been `5 regarded as a masterpiece, and is taught in high schools around the `5 world as required reading. (Shortly thereafter, the population of area `5 insane asylums trippled, but nobody has proven that the two are related). `5 This has been "A Tale of Two Crazies." Thanks for reading. It's a true `5 story you know. I didn't just make it up -- you can't invent that stuff. `1------------------------------------------------------------------------ %ESC