ROTFL Digest! Volume 3, Issue 1 March 1996 You deserve a laugh today! ___________________________________________________________________________ Published by Access Media Systems Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 Email: sandyi@pathcom.com Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes ___________________________________________________________________________ NEW! Check out the ROTFL Digest homepage at: http://www.pathcom.com/~sandyi ___________________________________________________________________________ Contents: Editorial Likely Stories! ROTFL Digest Does 1995 ROTFL Digest Does Sports - Actual Quotes From Athletes Dear Flabby - The Column With A Big Heart And Huge Thighs A Cynic's Ode To 1995 - Bad Poetry For Bad Times Global Warming He's Dead Jim - An Ode To Star Trek Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! ___________________________________________________________________________ Editorial Well, ROTFL Digest is way ahead of schedule thanks to my having nothing better to do while recuperating from surgery. Remember that you can win dumb prizes by sending me your original funny stories and art! Meanwhile, the very alert Marty Tabnik caught this blooper in the Likely Story titled LIFE AFTER DEATH in ROTFL Digest 25: And more than that, how does the kid explain to teachers that his dad was dead before he was even born? What I meant, of course, was how does the kid explain to teachers that his dad was dead before he was even CONCEIVED. The error has been corrected in the webpage and a dumb prize has been sent to Marty. ___________________________________________________________________________ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it remains unaltered in any way. Email: sandy.illes@canrem.com or sandyi@pathcom.com Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710 All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems only for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose. ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes without the express written consent of the publishers. Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited. Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of our fists. ___________________________________________________________________________ LIKELY STORIES YOU CAN TAKE THE DOUGHNUT SHOP OFF YOUR SPEED DIAL Quebec City, Quebec - In an effort to get away from the cliched image, management has told the 400-member Quebec City police force to stay away from doughnut shops. Now where do we call in case of an emergency? YAWN... London, England - Bruno Peek is the planner of Beacon Millenium, a chain of 1 million beacons blazing around the world to greet the year 2000. Beginning at the stroke of midnight in Wellington, New Zealand, a network of beacons, visible by satellite, will be lit following the international dateline, enabling the entire globe to be seen from space as a sapphire and emerald jewel wrapped in a girdle of light. Who do they expect to see it? SOMEONE'S BEEN NAUGHTY Newmarket, Ont. - Due to shoddy police paperwork, bawdy- house charges were dropped against a dominatrix known as Madame de Sade. She demanded the return of her House of Erotica items, including chains and a paddle, a spanking bench, handcuffs, whips, a coffin, a wooden cross with ties, throne, stocks, and leather diapers. Which just goes to show that evidence is no match for incompetence. IT MUST BE LEGAL Toronto, Ont. - $25,000 CDN was paid to five legal aid lawyers following the acquittal of their five clients, who had been charged with stealing a $25 hat from a 14-year-old. BARELY A CLOTHES CALL Aurora, Ont. - A clothing drive for Goodwill was launched by nudists north of Aurora. OUT TO LUNCH North York, Ont. - Mayor Mel Lastman banned voice mail at city hall when he found himself unable to contact his own office. I just like this story because now he knows how us little people feel. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS WILL KILL US ALL YET The Ontario Human Rights Commission ruled that alcohol addiction is a handicap and can't be used as grounds for denying people jobs. I'll remember that next time I go to board a plane or train. In another moment of political correctness, the Toronto Santa Claus parade was criticized as being too white, too Christian, and too physically abled. Personally, I've always felt that Hanukkah was too Jewish. PLEASE BE SEATED New Delhi, India - The Sulabh International Museum of Toilets chronicles the toilet from 2500 B.C. to 1980. Adorning its walls are poems extolling the virtues of human excrement and graffiti such as this 19th-century masterpiece: "Suck your fingers, beast/Do not wipe them on the wall." Just the place for the busy tourist to visit after a big lunch of spicy food. IF YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY, HONEY... Washington, D.C. - According to The World Bank, the average person's share of world income was $6,200 in 1994. The worldwide figure includes every living person from Bill Gates, with an estimated net worth of $13 billion, to a peasant in Ethiopia, with an estimated income of $130. It's just as well that they included Bill Gates in the study... he has most of what used to be our money. This reminds me of that comment 'On average, each person has one testicle.' A RANDOM ACT OF DUMBNESS In an interview with Newsweek, Bill Gates was asked if turning 40 was a milestone. Gates replied, "Well, they say never trust anybody over 40." When prompted by the reporter that the expression was 'never trust anybody over 30,' Gates said, "Really? But you know, birthdays are kind of a random thing - I mean, multiples of 365." At least now we know why Windows 95 doesn't work - it's that random multiple factor. MAYBE HE'S DEAD, JIM? Cincinnati, Ohio - Dick Wilson, the actor who played Mr. Whipple for 25 years in Charmin toilet paper commercials, discovered that his free lifetime supply of Charmin inexplicably ended in November 1995. A spokesperson for Proctor & Gamble, the maker of Charmin, said the company didn't know why the shipments stopped but promised they will resume immediately. Maybe Wilson was the BUTT of a practical joke played BEHIND his back? Oh, WIPE those silly grins off your faces! ___________________________________________________________________________ ROTFL DIGEST DOES 1995 - Real Quotes From People Who'd Have Been Better Off Remaining Anonymous (c)1996 Sandy Illes Newt Gingrich, trying desperately to explain some incomprehensible notions that sound dangerous for feminists and giraffes: "If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for 30 days, because they get infections... males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes." Boutros Boutros-Ghali, secretary-general of the UN on employee credentials and his emotional state: "To work here you have to be cuckoo - like me." Hugh Grant, humbly but cluelessly trying desperately to explain why he chose a $50 hooker over a supermodel: "Last night, I did something completely stupid." Pop singer Josif Kobzon, trying to explain why he was running in Russia's parliamentary elections: "Honestly, who the hell knows?" Princess Diana, unable to stop herself from providing the entire world with lurid details of her marriage to the faithless Prince Charles: "There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded." CNN's Larry King, providing the ultimate hyperbole on the O.J. Simpson trial: "If we had God booked and O.J. was available, we'd move God." French astro-physicist Hubert Reeves, on French nuclear testing in the Pacific regardless of the fact that people actually live on some of the surrounding atolls: "Now go explain to countries like India that they shouldn't imitate us." ___________________________________________________________________________ ROTFL DIGEST DOES SPORTS - Actual Quotes From Athletes (c)1996 Mary Stewart Baseball: After the Atlanta Braves wons the World Series, Jane Fonda said: "It's the most exciting day I've ever had with my clothes on." (Should we be forced to know this?) The Minnesota Twins had the worst record in the majors at one point in the season, prompting Kirby Puckett to say: "There are lots of peaks and valleys in this game. We're in a valley - Death Valley." (And the truth shall set you free.) After former Yankee shortstop Phil Rizzuto was awarded an honorary degree by Hofstra University, he commented: "This is out of my realm. My God, they speak the King's English. I'm from Brooklyn." (Should someone tell him the King is dead?) When Mark Lamping was named president of the St. Louis Cardinals, he told his 12-year-old son Brian who said: "Dad, they stink. All of the kids at school are going to make fun of me." (Out of the mouths of babes...) When Yogi Berra was asked if he wanted his pizza cut into four slices or eight he said: "Better make it four. I don't think I can eat eight." (I guess his eyes weren't as hungry as his stomach.) During the baseball strike, Cleveland traded five replacement players to Cincinnati for future considerations prompting this comment from Reds manager Davey Johnson: "Cleveland got the better of the deal. They didn't get anybody." (This piece is its own punch line, eh?) Steve Blass, commenting on the performance of Pittsburgh Pirates replacement pitcher Jimmy Boudreau who last played professionally in 1986: "He should have been better, pitching on 3,195 days rest." (Maybe he just needed another couple of days.) Hockey: After the NHL lockout ended, New York Rangers forward Nick Kypreos was re-entering the U.S. and was asked by customs officials if he had anything to declare. Kypreos said: "No, the owners took it all." (But he's not bitter.) After watching his first hockey game between Vancouver and San Jose comedian Robin Williams commented: "It's so quick and so brutal and I'm just in shock. I'm amazed that people don't keep screaming '911!'" (I once went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.) Golf: LPGA player Elaine Johnson's shot hit a tree and rebounded into her bra, prompting her to quip: "I'll take a two-shot penalty, but I'll be damned if I'm going to play the ball where it lies." (I think many of us would have paid to see that.) Wrestling: At the state's first all-female wrestling match, Amy Perlnutter of Manchester, N.J., high school pinned Hawthorne's Catrina Carrizales and said: "I was pumped up for this match. I didn't want to lose to a girl." (On the next Geraldo: Gender crises in female athletes.) Football: After feeling lightheaded in a game against Minnesota, Detroit Lions quarterback Scott Mitchell underwent tests and said: "They checked my head out and found I had a brain. That was real encouraging." (Encouraging to whom?) Joe Theismann, former Argonaut quarterback, commented: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." (Or Norm's brother Albert.) Boxing: When asked if he worries about brain damage George Foreman replied: "Anybody going into boxing already has brain damage." (Living proof.) Boxing promoter Dan Duva had this to say about Mike Tyson aligning himself with Don King after coming out of prison: "Why would anybody expect him to come out smarter than when he came in? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." (I thought they weren't supposed to hit below the belt.) Basketball: When Cedric Caballos of the L.A. Lakers was asked about his chances of being voted a starter in the NBA all-star game, he replied: "I don't know. But I know my hands are tired from stuffing the ballot box." (Someone should tell him honesty isn't always the best policy.) Dennis Rodman said team chemistry is over-rated: "Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two plus two is ten, or something." (Another budding accountant bites the dust.) During a trial in which it was alleged that he gave a former Atlanta Hawks cheerleader herpes, Dennis Rodman proclaimed: "I'm very particular about who I sleep with." (Yeah, it has to be a girl.) Car Racing: After finishing 492 laps at the North Carolina Speedway, John Andreotti commented: "Racing 492 laps [at Rockingham] is like going to a gang fight and your gang doesn't show up." (Nice analogy.) ___________________________________________________________________________ DEAR FLABBY - The Column With A Big Mouth And Huge Thighs (c)1996 D. Litton Dear Flabby, I am 12 years old, in grade 6, and have 2 children. My mother keeps telling me what to do. How can I stop this? - All Grown Up Now Birth control pills. Dear Flabby, My poinsettia died. What are the proper burial arrangements? - Plant Lover Cremation. Ashes to ashes and mulch to mulch. Dear Flabby, My sister won't stop bugging me. Hey, stop! Go away! Can't you see I'm trying to write a letter here? Mommmmmmmmm! - Little Sister With A Big Grudge Stop doing things that provoke your sister to bug you - like writing letters that waste my time. Dear Flabby, Should I invest in Spray-On Hair Enterprises? - Bald Middle-Aged Guy I'd recommend Beer-Gut Remover Inc. Dear Flabby, Is 14 too young to have a vasectomy? - Three Kids And Counting Depends on whether or not you're a girl. ___________________________________________________________________________ A CYNIC'S ODE TO 1995 - Bad Poetry For Bad Times (c)1996 Mary Stewart OJ Simpson took a knife and freed Nicole Brown of her life. The jury was a clueless lot and freed OJ near on the spot. Michael Jackson liked the boys and let them play with all his toys. But then a young boy told the press, Michael liked his buttocks best. Michael bought his quietitude with largesse of multitude. Now the boy is quietly rich, but Michael's finding life a bitch. Newt and Clinton had some fights to see who'd choose the people's rights. Neither lost but neither won, the game has only just begun. Wars and famines filled the pages, and got comments from the usual sages. Peace on earth? Not a chance. Peace would quiet the missile plants. I predict that what's in store, in '96 is plenty more. The same old news, the same old views - it's crap which we should all refuse. ___________________________________________________________________________ GLOBAL WARMING (c)1996 Sandy Illes So here I sit, huddled by the fireplace trying to thaw out my frozen butt, waiting for global warming to kick in. For years, scientists have predicted that global warming is going to happen, but in the Great White North (also known as Canada) there is no sign of it. What went wrong? Where are the palm trees? Where is my suntan? Why are my lungs frozen into misshapen icecubes? My sad story is that today I tried to start my car in -22 C. Considering that my car hasn't been started for three weeks, this may have been an overly-optimistic activity on my part. Especially when you take into consideration that we've been in a deep freeze spell for the past two weeks. Bravely, with the fear of frostbite driven to the back of my mind, I told my husband to get his ass outside and start my car. When the car wouldn't start, he tried using the battery charger. When that failed to get even a minimal result, he brought the battery inside the house to thaw out. The battery is now sitting in the hall by the entrance, frozen so solid that ice encases it like a sculpture carved by a mad artist. As I pass it on my way through the hall, I always trip over it and curse it. For some strange reason, that doesn't seem to help the situation. I had to walk to the store and therein lies the source of my frozen butt and current annoyance: Why do scientists have to make untruthful announcements? I was COUNTING on global warming to get me through January and, euphoric at the thought, didn't even bother to buy winter boots or a woolen hat. I long for Christmas barbeques frolicking in the sun on the beach. I yearn for weather reports that say, "It's going to be another scorcher today." I agonize for a shopping list that includes sunblock instead of antifreeze. In the meantime, I'll console myself with this frozen chocolate bar I found in my jacket pocket - hope I don't break a tooth. ___________________________________________________________________________ He's Dead Jim - An Ode To Star Trek (c)1996 Sandy Illes He's dead, Jim, His eyes have gotten dim. He's dead, Jim, After working out in the gym. He's dead, Jim, Feel the coldness of this limb. He's dead, Jim, He has no more vigor or vim. He's dead, Jim, My tricorder doesn't lie. He's dead, Jim, So come and tell the man bye-bye. ___________________________________________________________________________ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES What's the difference between a Jewish couple's first honeymoon and their second honeymoon? On the second, he goes into the bathroom and cries. ___________________________________________________________________________ The Jewish wife yelled at her husband, "I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are." He replied, "You should have known how stupid I was the minute I asked you!" ___________________________________________________________________________ How does a Jewish woman lose weight? She carries around a picture of her husband, naked. ___________________________________________________________________________ Q: What has 4 legs and works in McDonald's? A: The rest of Nirvana. ___________________________________________________________________________ Three pastors gathered for coffee one day to discuss the problem of bat infestation in churches. "I got so angry," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats." "I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they raced me back to the church." "I haven't had any more problems," said the third. "What did you do?" asked the others, amazed. "I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since." ___________________________________________________________________________ The waitress felt very uncomfortable watching the elderly couple eat. It seems that the husband was eating away at the big dinner, but the poor wife was just sitting there looking forlorn and hungry. "Aren't you hungry, Ma'am?" the waitress asked her. "You dern betcha I'm hungry," she replied. "But I got to wait for him to get finished with our teeth!" ___________________________________________________________________________ At the old people's home, Joe, a lifelong entrepreneur, decided he could make some extra money by selling sex. He put a sign on his door that read "Sexual Favors for Sale." Soon his first customer was knocking on his door. Once admitted, she asked what his prices were. Joe replied, "$20 on the bed, $15 in the chair, $10 on the table and $5 on the floor." The woman said she'd like $20 worth and he said, "Oh you want it on the bed?" "No," she said, "I want four on the floor!" ___________________________________________________________________________ A guy takes his wife to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor says to the husband, "Unfortunately, I can't offer you an exact diagnosis, but I don't like the way your wife looks." Replies the husband, "I don't like the way she looks either, but, God, is she rich!" ___________________________________________________________________________ A cockroach showed up at a guy's door, pushed its way in, and proceeded to pummel the man until he was lying covered in bruises, gasping for air. The man went to the emergency ward at his local hospital to be treated. When the man finally got in to see a doctor, he wildly gestured to speak and was interrupted by the doctor, "Yeah, I know what you're gonna say. There's a nasty bug going around." ___________________________________________________________________________ A son leaves home and comes back 3 months later and tells his dad, "I found a great girl and I really like her a lot." "Wonderful, son! What's her name?" "Lopez." "Son, that's not a Jewish name! Now go out and find yourself a nice Jewish girl." The son comes back 6 months later and says, "Dad, I found a great girl. She treats me great and she's beautiful." "Wonderful, son! What's her name?" "O'Reilley." "Son, that's not a Jewish name! Go back and find yourself a nice Jewish girl." The son returns 9 months later and says, "Dad, I met this great girl. She's funny, she's pretty, she's rich, and she treats me like a king." "Wonderful, son! What's her name?" "Goldberg." "Now, son, THAT'S a Jewish girl! What's her first name?" "Whoopi." ___________________________________________________________________________ What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite baseball teams? The Expos and the Yanks. ___________________________________________________________________________ A lot of people joined the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club but quit when they were told about the "secret handshake." ___________________________________________________________________________ One day this man is sitting on his couch and he hears a knock on the door. He gets up and looks around but doesn't see anyone. All of the sudden he hears a voice from on the ground. He looks down and sees a snail standing there without a shell. The snail says, "Hey buddy, can I come inside and spend the night? I don't have a shell and it's cold outside." The guy looks at the snail and says, "Get lost." He then kicks the snail across the street. Two years later the same guy hears another knock on the door. He opens the door and sees the very same snail. The snail looks up and says, "What the heck did you do that for?" ___________________________________________________________________________ Dave Levine looked terribly depressed and a friend stopped to ask him what was wrong. Dave shook his head dolefully. "Applied f-f-f-for a j-job," he said with his usual stutter. "D-d-d-d-didn't get it." "What kind of job?" "T-t-television announcer. Th-th-they asked my n-n-n-nuh-name and all I ever s-s-said was 'D-d-d-david Luh-luh-levine,' and they turned me d-d-down at once. L-l-l-lousy anti-Semites." ___________________________________________________________________________