Uppadated Mon 28-Oct-1991, Sat 21-Mar-1992, Sun 11-Apr-1993, Sat 2-Oct-93, Thu 5-May-94, Tue 23-Aug-94, Fri 3-Feb-95, Xxx 13-May-96 Sat 10-Aug-91: I was feeling bored while waiting for a squall to pass to get on my bike (I'm always getting on my bike, but now I mean physically :-), so I thought why should I be the only one to suffer, and decided to start writing down some of my adages and puns. I can't truly claim that all are strictly my own (un)doing, since some I may have seen somewhere and they have stuck to my unconscious. Yes, yes, I know they stink, but my kind non-Finnish readers are welcome to seek their sweet revenge on me by doing the same thing in Finnish :-). So what can I say but have pun! All the best, Timo Puns (audible groans from the audience): ======================================= Computer related: ------------------- Teletypes are terminal cases. Plotters are devious devices. On a clear disk you can seek forever. (Not mine!) Usenet is full of flaming talent. Fast computers are a riscy business. The crook with a modem was connected. Q: How does one make a breakthrough? A: Just press Ctrl-C. (Argh! Gimme a break) Finding program bugs is a testing task. If you have less, don't ask for more. Variable references are of passing interest. >>Why is there no X**Y in Turbo Pascal? >ENOUGH of this! Why? I thought this was an exponential discussion. :-) :-) Beware of computers, they byte! (not mine) PCs are best left to their own devices. Programmers don't mind the least bit. CD-ROMs broke the record. Computer users are inveterate felons. Always breaking and entering. (This is not mine, but it is too brilliant to omit. "Who is this General Failure and what is he doing on my hard disk") Are lady programmers stacked? Usenet readers are too eager to break the news. Getting a printer to work requires peripheral vision. We'll see if this OS change is transparent. Is the Pentium bug for real? The Pentium bug does not count. No more Pentium jokes! We've heard them already a 999.9995749 times. Where is the canonical list of religious jokes stored? If your harddisk crashes, don't read anything into it. May the source be with you! General puns: --------------- What does a Finnish mason do on weekends? Why, gets plastered, what else. Why did the umpire go bananas. Because he had to make a split decision. Why is the Finnish winter so hard to bear? Because it snows you. If a student falls from the dormitory window what should he do? Drop out, silly. I intended to have my appendix removed, but I didn't have the guts. What is the cross between a pig and a conifer? A porcupine. Why did Tarzan sleep in the shrub? Because he was bushed. Here is a culinary sicko to really boggle the mind: What did a cold turkey say to another? Go, and get stuffed. In a canoeing contest they paddle it out. In an ice-skating contest they figure it out. The boy took his girlfriend skating to the lake to break the ice. Why didn't the painter finish his work? Because he was off color. Why can't you keep a frog as a pet? Because it croaks indoors. If you don't use punctuation there is no point in what you write I'm not coming tonight said the prude maiden. What to drink on a grounded ship? Ferry on the rocks. Is life worth living? Depends on the liver. Monotonic mathematics is dull. Q: Why are they so busy at the IRS? A: Because they have such a taxing task. No options said the broker. No sweat said the trainer. No dice said the gambler. You bet, said the gambler. Dice games are a lot of crap. A piece of grammar for you: Suggesting that someone else do the work is using the passive voice. Q: Why did the lawyer lose his case? A: Because he had no suit. Q: Why did the nurse quit the organ bank. A: Because the patients were giving her the eye. And she had the doctor's ear. In the organ bank they have a heart and lend you an ear. An obese man has too much on his plate. Cryogenicists are absolute zeroes. Embassy spooks bug everyone. Come and play in our brass band. There are no strings attached. The police band never missed a beat. The mailman is keeping me posted. Q: When a cleaning woman gets married what do you have? A: Bride and broom. He didn't want to become a reporter because that would have worked on paper only. You shouldn't lose any sleep over your insomnia. In a concert you just have to face the music. The florist had a blooming business. Don't trust meteorologists. They always want to see how the wind blows. Beware of barbers who split hairs. If you itch, just start from scratch. Brace yourself, said the dentist. A dentist can bridge the gap. A blabber-mouth cook spills his beans. That was a close call said the broker at the end of the day. Brokers just quote all the time. Stay tuned said the conductor. Could we have some kind of an order, said the merchant. A crash course in fast food. (You figure this one out.) In boxing you must not get carried away. A shy boy to a recalcitrant girl. I can't make you out. That's just a fairy tale said the gay guy. The doctors are giving me the creeps, said the asylum warden. The squirrel was driving itself nuts. Mountaineers must have sheer talent because reaching the top requires peak performance. The dean lost his faculties. You can't take getting a scholarship for granted. Beat it, said the drummer. There is no accounting for the missing balances said the book keeper. Did you know that electricians are interested in current affairs? Do electricians take charge? The cattle market was bullish. What should you do if you are constipated? Just don't give a sh*t. A bad shot is missing much. The baffled carpenter didn't have a glue. Women's libbers have a broad view. The riot was a smash hit. An undertaker has a stiff job. Beware of a fisherman looking for an angle. Typing finland with a lower-case f is a capital offense. Are the numismatics' conferences for coining phrases? Can you take a marathon in your stride? The bigamist had a previous engagement. The bankrupt laundry was a wash-out. Q: What do call a polite technician? A: A civil engineer. Are watchmakers clockwise? Have a heart said the transplant surgeon. Arsonists have a burning desire. (Not mine, but too good to omit :-) Can lawyers read bar code? Q: What is the comedians' favorite ailment? A: Gagging. Q: What is the square root of 69? A: Something dull. Jailed brokers tell inside jokes. In jail they have canned music. In jail they smoke joint. The prison breakout was a joint effort. The prison band played to a captive audience (not mine). Q: Is there a list of lawyer jokes out there somewhere? A: Sorry. It's been barred. Racist jokes are too black and white. The hangman knows the ropes. Lorena Bobbit sure cut her way to fame. Disclaimer: This disk is mine. (By our System Manager Hannu Hirvonen) Cannibals don't like people with no taste. Q: What is a five-ton ox? A: A lot of bull. Accounting is so simple. All it takes is a good balance. The average person is mean. A politician who has the floor has no stand. Never ride with a pilot who goes for a spin. If someone calls me a nut, I'll bolt. A bad housing project needs constructive criticism. Is a crazy debtor a man possessed? Is a dining clairvoyant medium rare? Q: How do you tell a leper in a crowd? A: He's the one picking his nose. Q: Why are the leper jokes so lame? A: Because there is no meat in them. Q: How do lepers feel about these jokes? A: Detached. Never tell a leper anything confidential. He's got loose lips. A leper's gag: Am I missing something? Confucius say: Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. A violent watchmaker will clean your clock. Confucius say: Big man fall downhill skiing make big impression. Q: How to make money faster? A: Cash in at the organ bank. There is no decimating the metric system! Let's not give an 2.54 cm! Cop jokes are fuzzy. All the dyxlesics of the world: untie! Contradictions: ============== In continuous mathematics the probability of the expected event is zero. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present form. (Actual comment on the TV news in 1991) I never do any mistakes. English is a curious language. If the weather is too hot, isn't it still logically correct to say "the weather isn't too hot today". Me stubborn? There is no way you can make me admit that! Apathy will get us nowhere. But who cares? Academic wisdom is a contradiction in terms. (Based on the famous "military intelligence" quip). This oxymoron is due to one of our now graduated doctoral students, Vesa Puttonen. How do you organize an anarchists' conference? (Someone actually suggested something of the kind on the Usenet news). When the prices hit the ceiling they go through the roof. The brotherhood formed a sister organization. Famous Last Words: ================= I've done this before! Easy! Oops! What's for dinner, Dear? Leggo, I know my mushrooms! On Usenet: A test, please ignore. Adages: ====== Where there is a will, there is a won't. If a Usenet posting can be misunderstood, it will. If it cannot, it will be misunderstood anyway. Sounds like a good idea, but let's use it anyway. Do nothing, and enjoy a troublefree existence. I assure you should ensure to insure. Don't take the beat if you can't take the heat. Everyway you look at it you lose. (Not mine) On ne vit pas sans mourir un peau. (Not mine) Nothing ever works, and if it does, it won't for long. You can't be a professor. You are making sense. (Actual comment, probably borrowed) If you can't kill it, at least standardize it. All are on the make, some even on the take. Every form of refuge has its price. (Not mine) All good solutions are simple, but not all simple solutions are good. There is nothing more futile than arguing with firmly held beliefs (Not a joke at all, but a serious adage grown out of a long-standing experience on the Usenet news.) I might be here but my soul's gone riding my bike (my personal motto) All the best, Timo (Ever realized the brazen hidden brag? :-) aka Perfesser Pundit in rec.humor .................................................................... Prof. Timo Salmi Co-moderator of news:comp.archives.msdos.announce Moderating at ftp:// & http://garbo.uwasa.fi archives 193.166.120.5 Department of Accounting and Business Finance ; University of Vaasa mailto:ts@uwasa.fi ; FIN-65101, Finland