ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 1 August, 1993 Û Û Û Û Û Û Published by Access Media Systems Û Û Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362 Data: (416)825-8653 Û Û Û Û Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes Û °°°°°°Û Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel Û°°°°°° ° Û Û ° ° ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ° ° Û Û ° ° Û Û ° ° Û Contents: Û ° ° Û Û ° ° Û Editorial Û ° ° Û Your Horrifying-Scope For This Month Û ° ° Û Mimes - Jan Perkins and Richard Platel Û ° ° Û Madonna Jokes Û ° ° Û Of Mice And Men - Richard Platel Û ° ° Û Insanity Solitaire - Sandy Illes Û ° ° Û Laff-O-Meter - Graham Walker Û ° ° Û Flame Of The Month Û ° ° Û Jokes, Jokes, Jokes... Û ° ° Û 50 (?) Ways To Leave Your Lover - Graham Walker/Sandy Illes Û ° ° Û Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists Û ° ° Û Û ° ° ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ° ° ° ° Editorial ° ° --------- ° ° ° ° Welcome to the first issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing ° ° Digest! Our goal is to spread cheer, goodwill, and as few cold ° ° germs as possible. ° ° ° ° All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original ° ° material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will ° ° be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Your Horrifying-Scope For This Month: ° ° ° ° Aries: You will be sucked into a black hole in space sometime ° ° around the 25th so it would be wise to make out a will before ° ° then. ° ° ° ° Taurus: On the 14th you will swallow a clock and develop a ° ° nervous tick. ° ° ° ° Gemini: A tendency to gossip will make you the target of a ° ° vindictive neighbor on the 12th. Wear a bulletproof vest at ° ° all times. ° ° ° ° Cancer: When you wash your hair on the 23rd, you will have a lot ° ° of trouble drying it due to becoming tangled in the clothesline. ° ° ° ° Leo: Impulsive behavior can lead to a prison term of 7-10 years ° ° around the 28th. ° ° ° ° Virgo: The soup you made on the 21st will be poisonous by the ° ° 23rd - throw it out! ° ° ° ° Libra: You seek balance in your life. Try to apply this to your ° ° checkbook on the 7th before the bank cancels your credit. ° ° ° ° Scorpio: A tendency to be overcome by passion around the 11th - ° ° 13th could lead to charges of date rape. ° ° ° ° Sagittarius: Your inclination to always tell the truth will make ° ° you the target of a Mafia hitman when a grand jury subpoenas you ° ° on the 19th. ° ° ° ° Capricorn: A long prison term is indicated if you follow through ° ° on your inclination to accidentally stab your spouse 15 times on ° ° the 25th. ° ° ° ° Aquarius: That chemistry set you'll buy on the 30th will destroy ° ° not only your new toupee, but the entire neighbourhood. ° ° ° ° Pisces: A cramp while you're swimming on the 11th will lead to a ° ° burial at sea. ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Jan Perkins had this to say about mimes: ° ° ° ° Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Let Mimes Live: ° ° ° ° 10. They inspire us to rise above them. ° ° 9. They work better than tear gas for clearing a streetful of ° ° rioters. ° ° 8. Their paint must surely contain toxic chemicals that will ° ° kill them more spectacularly and painfully. ° ° 7. It's more fun to watch Opus and his olive loaf do the ° ° job. ° ° 6. They've suffered enough already. ° ° 5. They may induce passers-by to repent and live a good life ° ° thereafter. ° ° 4. Think how much worse it would be if they spoke, and spare ° ° them in your gratitude that they are silent. ° ° 3. Kids need bad examples as well as good. ° ° 2. Pity them for they have sinned. ° ° 1. There is no reason - nine was stretching it. ° ° ° ° To which Richard Platel replied: ° ° ° ° NEWSFLASH! ° ° ° ° Thousands of mimes stormed capital hill today to protest Jan ° ° Perkins' recent top ten list. A spokesman for the mines union ° ° signaled to our reporter that Jan's list made him sad and that ° ° he was going in to go climb an imaginary rope now. Todays protest ° ° went unnoticed by our leaders as it was silent and the mines ° ° were waving blank placards. Police armed with olive loaves were ° ° called in later that day when the protest became violent and the ° ° mimes began assaulting passers-by with imaginary guns. Several ° ° of the protestors were removed in invisible boxes. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Madonna Jokes: ° ° ° ° Q: What's the first thing Madonna does in the morning? ° ° A1: Introduces herself. ° ° A2: Gets in her limo and goes home. ° ° ° ° Q: How does Madonna like her eggs in the morning? ° ° A: Unfertilized. ° ° ° ° Q: What's the first thing Madonna does after sex? ° ° A: Opens the car door. ° ° ° ° Q: How does Madonna turn the light on after sex? ° ° A: Kick open the car door. ° ° ° ° Q: What does Madonna say after sex? ° ° A1: Thanks, guys! ° ° A2: Are you boys all in the same band? ° ° A3: Do you guys all play for the Dodgers? ° ° ° ° Q: Why does Madonna have orgasms? ° ° A: So she knows when to stop having sex! ° ° ° ° Q: How do you tell when Madonna reaches orgasm? ° ° A1: She says "Next!" ° ° A2: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. ° ° ° ° Q: Why does Madonna take the pill? ° ° A: So she knows what day of the week it is. ° ° ° ° Q: Why did Madonna stop using the pill? ° ° A: Because it kept falling out. ° ° ° ° Q: What's the difference between Madonna and a Porsche? ° ° A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends. ° ° ° ° Q: What is the difference between butter and Madonna? ° ° A: Butter is difficult to spread. ° ° ° ° Q: What is the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball? ° ° A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. ° ° ° ° Q: What is the difference between Madonna and the Titanic? ° ° A: They know how many men went down on the Titanic. ° ° ° ° Q: What's the difference between Madonna and a guy? ° ° A: Madonna has the higher sperm count. ° ° ° ° Q: What's the difference between Madonna and a limousine? ° ° A: Not everybody has been in a limo. ° ° ° ° Q: What's the difference between Madonna and a sly pygmy? ° ° A: One's a cunning runt ... ° ° ° ° Q: What do Madonna and black men have in common? ° ° A: They both have black roots. ° ° ° ° Q: Why does Madonna have pointy boobs? ° ° A: Because she needs a good place to hide her vibrator. ° ° ° ° Q: How do you tell if Madonna did your landscaping? ° ° A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. ° ° ° ° Q: What did Madonna's dad say to her before her date. ° ° A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. ° ° ° ° Q: Why does Madonna put her hair in a ponytail? ° ° A: To cover up the valve stem. ° ° ° ° Q: What did Madonna do when she got her period? ° ° A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? ° ° ° ° Madonna and a friend were discussing their boyfriends: ° ° Friend: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! ° ° Madonna: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. ° ° Friend: My God! I had no idea he was that good. ° ° Madonna: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. ° ° ° ° Q: Why was Madonna depressed when she received her driver's license? ° ° A: Because she got an F in sex. ° ° ° ° ° ° There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natel ° ° checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the ° ° baby conceived?" ° ° "He was on top," she replied. ° ° "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. ° ° ° ° The second woman was asked the same question. ° ° "I was on top," was the reply. ° ° "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor. ° ° ° ° With this, Madonna burst into tears. ° ° "What's the matter?" asked the doc. ° ° "Am I going to have puppies....?" ° ° ° ° Q: Did you hear about the new Madonna postage stamp? ° ° A1: You lick the front. ° ° A2: It licks itself. ° ° ° ° McDonna: Over two billion served. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° ° ° Of Mice And Men... by Richard Platel ° ° ° ° Well... I was walking home from school one day, when I see ° ° this weird looking white van crawling along, real close to ° ° the curb. At first I think it's that new government task ° ° force, you know, checking the quality of the curbs in our ° ° various city-suburbs, but then I notice that the van is ° ° emitting this strange high-pitched squeeking. Thinking ° ° nothing more of it, I keep walking; however, after a while ° ° of following this van (it was going my way), it clicks ° ° in that this van is trying to imitate mouse calls. ° ° Having taken a night school course in Mouse-ese, I ° ° realize that this is the rodent eqivelant of "yakity ° ° yakity yak", played over and over again. Well, now my ° ° curiosity is aroused, and I do a little Toronto Two step ° ° and catch up with the van, then I notice that there's no ° ° one driving this van; there's just this camera hooked up ° ° to a rather strange box with lots of flashing lights which ° ° is in turn hooked up to an array of speakers, the source ° ° of mouse chatter. Well, by this time, I'm really interested. ° ° I drop back a little and notice that the van has Diplomatic ° ° plates. In the interest of good international relations, ° ° I saunter up to the passanger side window, and in my best ° ° mouse-like tones, I say, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey ° ° Poupon?". And that's when all, and I mean ALL the lights ° ° on the box light up. The van stopped dead, and a mechanical ° ° whirring drew my attention to the camera lens, regarding me ° ° with cat-like curiosity. I stepped foward, tired of this ° ° game. The van rolls foward just enough to stay with me. ° ° I step backwards; again, the van apes me perfectly. Now I ° ° figure that it's time to leave. I break into a run, the van ° ° matches my speed perfectly, always sticking to the curb. ° ° Through sidestreets, pedestrian walkways, a garage sale, ° ° a couple of lawns and a public park. My runner's high was ° ° making all the colours that much brighter, and all I could ° ° think of was how good the shocks on that van must be. Thus ° ° distracted, I ran right smack into a lamp post, and the ° ° last thing I felt before the tweeting birds of my likely ° ° concussion carried me away was a sharp poke in my leg ° ° followed by a liquid hissing sound. ° ° ° ° Conciousness began to return to me what I can only assume ° ° was a great deal of time later. I realised that I must ° ° be in the strange van. As I swam ever closer to being fully ° ° awake, more things became apparant to me: that it was really ° ° dark, that we were on the highway (indicated by that lack of ° ° stopping and the frequent bump of bridges and potholes), ° ° that I was in a sort of cage, no bigger than thre feet ° ° cubed, that there was a great deal of chatter around me. ° ° This chatter, I realised, was Mouse-ese, and furthermore, ° ° most of it regarded me. Their concern for my well-being ° ° was quite touching. By their accent, I surmised that most ° ° of them were Scarborough and North York mice, from roughly ° ° the same area I was abducted from. When I mumblingly asked ° ° if anyone knew what was going on, the chatter immediately ° ° ceased. An authoritative voice (authoritative for a squeak ° ° that is) explained that as best as they could figure, they ° ° had all been abuducted in roughly the same manner as I had ° ° been (You'd be suprised how many of them had tried that ° ° Grey Poupon gag). Another voice offered me some cheese, ° ° but the nausea induced by the combined effects of my ° ° meeting with the lamp post and the motion of the van ° ° forced me to decline. ° ° ° ° The mice and I whiled away the voyage discussing the ° ° finer aspects of cheese, burrow constuction methods, ° ° twentieth century dialectic materalism and mouse trap ° ° evasion. Most of them were really quite civil and I ° ° knew that my night school courses had been well worth ° ° the money. ° ° ° ° Even though I was involved in a heated discussion ° ° regarding the nature of Socrate's implications on cats, ° ° we all knew to hush when the van ground to a halt. At ° ° first, the light was blinding, but when my eyes adjusted, ° ° I could hardly believe what I saw: hundreds of cats, ° ° some wearing glasses, others with lab coats, some even had ° ° pocket protectors. One of the cats began tweaking the ° ° contraption that drove the van, while others began ° ° unloading its rodent cargo. Well, at this time, I was ° ° still completing my first class in Cat-ese, so I could ° ° only catch snatches of feline conversation: "Good haul" and ° ° "Check the oscillator" and the like. All I could manage ° ° to blurt out was "WHY!?" I'll tell you, after that, you ° ° could hear a pin drop in an anti-gravity field in there. ° ° One of the cats looked to me, and in halting Mouse-ese' ° ° said, "I know not, this is the way it has always been." ° ° ° ° Well, with that kind of setup, how could I fail? I ° ° extricated myself from my cage, and launched into a ° ° rousing speech, in both Mouse and Cat. I included ° ° "I have a dream, a dream where cats and mice can walk ° ° side by side" and "Four score and fifteen minutes ago" ° ° and even "Ich bin ein Limburger". Well, when I was ° ° done, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, a peace ° ° treaty was drawn up and to this day, there has not been ° ° one outbreak of hostilities in North York or Scarborough. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Insanity Solitaire By Sandy Illes ° ° ° ° Using a standard deck of 52 cards, you must shuffle ° ° the deck while standing on your left foot. Deal ° ° yourself seven cards. ° ° ° ° If two of them are not Aces, you must pour sugar on ° ° all seven cards and eat them. ° ° ° ° Deal yourself seven more cards plus one extra for ° ° good luck. If it is a Friday and you have blue ° ° eyes, you may lay down the Queen of Diamonds. If ° ° you don't have the Queen of Diamonds, you should ° ° look through the deck until you find it, then ° ° sneak it out onto the table. ° ° ° ° Any Two can be laid on the Queen of Diamonds, but ° ° only if it is immediately followed by a Seven of ° ° Hearts. If you don't have the Seven of Hearts, you ° ° have no choice but to call 1-800-IMA-NERD and ° ° confess that you're trying to play a solitaire card ° ° game and cheating. ° ° ° ° Presuming that you have laid the Queen of Diamonds, ° ° any Two, and the Seven of Hearts, your next move is ° ° to lay the Ace of Spades. No other Ace will suffice. ° ° Cheating in this part of the game is punishable by ° ° death in many third world countries. ° ° ° ° Now you must switch to standing on your right foot ° ° and sing the national anthem as you shuffle the ° ° cards again. Randomly choose a card from the deck ° ° and if it is the Four of Clubs, you may repeat ° ° the move - this time in need of the Six of Diamonds. ° ° If it is anything but the Four of Clubs, you are now ° ° required to write down all the lyrics to "La Bamba." ° ° You are not allowed to fake this part. ° ° ° ° So you've now laid the Queen of Diamonds, any Two, ° ° the Seven of Hearts, the Ace of Spades, the Four of ° ° Clubs, and the Six of Diamonds. The only other card ° ° you need is the Eight of Spades. If the next card ° ° you draw is the Eight of Spades, you win a free ° ° all-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom. If the next ° ° card you draw is not the Eight of Spades, you must ° ° wear a paper bag over your head emblazoned with the ° ° logo "I voted for Clinton." ° ° ° ° The game is over when all of the cards have been ° ° eaten. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Laff-O-Meter Courtesy of Graham Walker ° ° ° ° ÚÄ¿ ° ° à ´Too Funny ° ° ÃÛ´Danger! ° ° ÃÛ´Stop it! ° ° ÃÛ´A riot! ° ° ÃÛ´Ha ha!! ° ° ÃÛ´Heh Heh ° ° ÃÛ´Hmmmm ° ° ÃÛ´Sick ° ° ÃÛ´Huh? ° ° ÀÄÙ ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Flame Of The Month: ° ° ------------------- ° ° ° ° ° ° You obviously have so much on your mind that there isn't room left ° ° for any brains. Some people are "has-beens," you're a "never-was." ° ° Whatever is eating you must be suffering horribly. Some day you'll ° ° find yourself - and be truly disgusted. ° ° ° ° Your attempts at humor are greeted by tremendous bursts of silence, ° ° and if you changed your mind, I wonder where you'd put the diaper. ° ° You're proof that lack of brainwave activity is not a sign of death. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES ° ° ° ° The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been out riding hard all day when ° ° they came into town and spotted the saloon. They went in and ° ° ordered drinks and sat down. About 30 minutes later a cowboy came ° ° in and asked everyone, "Whose white horse is that outside?" ° ° ° ° The Lone Ranger said, "That's my horse. Why?" ° ° ° ° The cowboy said, "Well it's all lathered up. Needs coolin' down!" ° ° ° ° The Lone Ranger looked at Tonto and said, "Go out there and run ° ° circles around Silver real fast to cool him off." ° ° ° ° Tonto got up and went out to do so. ° ° ° ° The Lone Ranger's still sitting at the table an hour later, when ° ° when another cowboy came in and asked, "Whose white horse is ° ° that outside?" ° ° ° ° The Lone Ranger said, "That's my horse. Why?" ° ° ° ° The cowboy jerked his thumb toward the door and said, "You left ° ° your injun runnin." ° ° ----------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° Pat Murphy worked in a brewery. One day he fell into a vat of ° ° beer and drowned. ° ° ° ° Murphy's widow rushed down to the plant, hysterical. "I hope ° ° he died quickly and his death was painless?" she sobbed to the ° ° foreman. ° ° ° ° "I dunno, ma'am," he replied. "Pat got out to go to the bathroom ° ° three times!" ° ° ----------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° The old man came to the gates of heaven and was met by Jesus. ° ° "What do you seek here, old man?" asked Jesus. ° ° "I come here to seek my son," answered the old man. ° ° "How shall you know your son old man ?" asked Jesus. ° ° "Through his experience on Earth he shall have holes through ° ° his hands and holes through his feet," replied the old man. ° ° Jesus said, "Father! Father!" ° ° And the old man said, "Pinocchio! Pinocchio!" ° ° ---------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of ° ° the ocean? ° ° A: A good start! ° ° ° ° Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road ° ° and a dead lawyer in the road? ° ° A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. ° ° ° ° Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? ° ° A: Professional courtesy. ° ° ° ° Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck ° ° in sand? ° ° A: Not enough sand. ° ° ° ° Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? ° ° A: Cut the rope. ° ° ° ° Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? ° ° A1: Take your foot off his head. ° ° ° ° Q. Why do many lawyers have broken noses? ° ° A. From chasing parked ambulances. ° ° ° ° Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? ° ° A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. ° ° ° ° Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? ° ° A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge ° ° is to cluck defiance. ° ° ---------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° A Newfie buys a 75 piece jigsaw puzzle. After two months, ° ° he finally completed it and threw a party to celebrate. ° ° At the party he announced that he was going to submit his ° ° accomplishment to the Guiness Book of records. A friend ° ° asked him why he thought completing a 75 piece puzzle in ° ° two months was such a great feat. ° ° ° ° "Look here," said the Newf, getting out the puzzle box. ° ° "See? It says right here, 3-5 years!" ° ° ---------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker? ° ° "Hop in!" ° ° ---------------------------------------------------------------- ° ° ° ° An explorer spends a night camping in the jungle, and wakes ° ° up in the morning to find himself surrounded by spear-carrying ° ° warriors. ° ° ° ° Uh oh," the guy mutters, "I'm screwed!" ° ° ° ° A voice booms down from the Heavens, "No, you're not!" ° ° ° ° The explorer says, "What?" ° ° ° ° The voice from the clouds says, "Grab the spear from ° ° the nearest warrior and kill the chief." ° ° ° ° So the guy grabs the spear out of the hands of the nearest ° ° warrior, darts forward, and plunges it into the chief's chest. ° ° ° ° The chief falls to the ground dead. ° ° ° ° The explorer then asks the voice, "Now what?" ° ° ° ° The voice from the clouds replies, "NOW you're screwed...!" ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° 50 (?) WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER By Graham Walker & Sandy Illes ° ° ° ° A few years ago Paul Simon wrote a song called "50 Ways To Leave ° ° Your Lover," but he only mentioned a few ways to leave your ° ° lover. It's taken a long time, but we think we've finally come ° ° up with some of the ways to leave your lover that - for whatever ° ° reason - got left out of Paul's song. ° ° ° ° Slip out the back, Jack... Make a new plan, Stan ... ° ° Hop on the bus, Gus... Drop off the key, Lee... ° ° ° ° Shoot her in the head, Ted. ° ° ° ° Push her off the ledge, Reg. ° ° ° ° Tell her you're gay, Ray. ° ° ° ° Hit her with a truck, Buck. ° ° ° ° Run her over with your bike, Mike. ° ° ° ° Punch her in the face, Ace. ° ° ° ° Cover her with dirt, Burt. ° ° ° ° Hit her with an axe, Max. ° ° ° ° Tell her she's fat, Matt. ° ° ° ° Fill her full of lead, Jed. ° ° ° ° Stomp on her toe, Joe. ° ° ° ° Move to another town, without leaving a forwarding address. Leave ° ° a short note on the door explaining that although you had some ° ° good times, it is now time to move on to other relationships. ° ° Wish her luck in her future endeavers and let her know that you're ° ° sure that she will one day make another man very happy and things ° ° could have been different if she weren't such a bitch, Rich. ° ° ° ° Hit him with a shoe, Sue. ° ° ° ° Hammer him with a nail, Gail. ° ° ° ° Kick him in the leg, Peg. ° ° ° ° Punch him in the nose, Rose. ° ° ° ° Kick him in the ass, Cass. ° ° ° ° Poke his eyes out with a spoon, June. ° ° ° ° Hit him with a bat, Pat. ° ° ° ° Stick his head in a pail, Gayle. ° ° ° ° Send him down to meet the fish, Trish. ° ° ° ° Kick him in the knee, Leigh. ° ° ° ° Bite off his ear, Cher. ° ° ° ° Spit in his eye, Di. ° ° ° ° Treat him mean, Darlene. ° ° ° ° Give him a fistful of pain, Jane. ° ° ° ° Break his collarbone, Joan. ° ° ° ° Kick him in the belly, Shelley. ° ° ° ° Don't answer his calls and have your best friend tell him ° ° that you don't love him anymore. He'll get the hint that ° ° things could have worked out if only he hadn't been such a ° ° rat, Pat. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° Some Great Top Ten Lists Collected From The City2City Top Ten ° ° Conference. (Free plug: Whine at your Sysop until he agrees to ° ° carry the Top Ten conference!) ° ° ° ° ° From: SANDY ILLES ° ° ° ° Top Ten Things Some Users Do To Annoy Sysops: ° ° ° ° 10. Try to access Sysop functions. ° ° 9. Experiment with the ascii keys trying to find backdoors. ° ° 8. Upload a 5k file so they can download a 500k file. ° ° 7. Attempt to obtain multiple accounts. ° ° 6. Complain that they should be able to download anything ° ° they want since they're doing you a favor to even call ° ° your board. ° ° 5. Hang up inside a door. ° ° 4. Leave a Comment to Sysop asking for information that's ° ° already available in the bulletins. ° ° 3. Say, "I'd send money if you had more nodes." (So you ° ° get more nodes and they don't call back for a year, ° ° during which their account has expired.) ° ° 2. Request commercial software. ° ° 1. Distribute viruses and trojans. ° ° ° ° From: SANDY ILLES ° ° ° ° Top Ten Trademarks Of Professions: ° ° ° ° 10. Postman's Hobble, from being bit by vicious dogs on their mail ° ° routes. ° ° 9. Mulroney Sneer, from being PM of Canada and laughing at the ° ° will of the people. (Americans shoot leaders who do this, eh?) ° ° 8. Artist's Dizziness, from inhaling the fumes of oil paints. ° ° 7. Nurse's Wrist, from a chronic habit of tapping the wristwatch ° ° to make sure it's working. ° ° 6. Quebec Taxi Driver's Foot, in which the foot evolves into a ° ° piece of lead most suitably designed for maximum speed. ° ° 5. Star Trek Collector's Brain Melt, in which no thought can be ° ° unrelated to Star Trek. ° ° 4. Truck Driver's Insomnia, from driving for days on end to ° ° get someplace where they won't accept delivery without an ° ° appointment. ° ° 3. Donut Maker's Holiness, in which worship of donut holes ° ° becomes an obsession. ° ° 2. Saleswoman's Snicker, in which the lips become wrinkled ° ° from saying "It fits you perfectly" while trying not to laugh. ° ° 1. Bus Driver's Impatience, in which you drive the same route ° ° each day but become obsessed with driving at it warp speed, ° ° regardless of whether or not passengers actually manage to ° ° get on the bus. ° ° ° ° From: KENNETH NEWMAN ° ° ° ° TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH LETTUCE AND JELLO ° ° ° ° 10. Call it "art" and sell it to the gov't for 1.6 mil ° ° 9. Make a fascinating brooch to give your mouther-in-law ° ° 8. Eat it. ° ° 7. Give it to school kids for lunch and tell them it's a ° ° salad. ° ° 6. Serve the leftovers to the kids the next day and tell ° ° 'em it's a dessert. ° ° 5. Put it in a blender with some ice and rum and make the ° ° world's most disgusting daquiri. ° ° 4. Mail it to your MP and by the time Canada Post gets it ° ° there it will have mutated into something infintely more ° ° slimy and smelly. ° ° 3. Put it in your underwear and smilingly tell people you ° ° have a special secret that you will never divulge. ° ° 2. Put it on people's chairs at formal dinner parties to ° ° make an intersting variation on the traditional whoopie ° ° cushion (speaking of which, did you know that Mrs. Ted ° ° Danson is the only woman in the history of American law ° ° who ever sought a divorce because her husband liked to ° ° make whoopi all night long?) ° ° 1. Use it as an indispensable ingredient in colourful, ° ° festive Cybil Shepherd displays. ° ° ° ° From: SANDY ILLES ° ° ° ° Top Ten Worthless Messages: ° ° ° ° 10. HELLo? HELLo? HELLOOOOOOO? ° ° 9. How do I get access to the doors? ° ° 8. How do I get more download bytes? ° ° 7. This is a test. ° ° 6. Will someone upload Street Fighter 2????? ° ° 5. If yu dont anser me I will virii yur computer!!!!!!! ° ° 4. Shareware is lame d00d!!!!! ° ° 3. WILL SOMEONE PLAESSE RITE BAK TO ME???? ° ° 2. ° ° 1. I'm lonely and need a girl!!! ° ° ° ° ° ° From: JAN PERKINS ° ° ° ° Top Ten British Foods That Still Give Me Nightmares ° ° ° ° 10. Mushy Peas. A popular soft day-glo green food of ° ° porridge-like consistency that purports to have some vague ° ° genetic link to the vegetable known as peas. Closest North ° ° American analogue - the synthetic slime you give kids to play ° ° with on Hallowe'en. ° ° 9. Vesta boil-in-the-bag curry dinners. I still don't know what ° ° they were and don't think I want to. ° ° 8. Cabbage. Take a large, old cabbage. Shred finely. Boil ° ° vigorously for one hour. Drain half the water, dump in a ° ° serving tray with the rest. Serve tepid. Remember never serve ° ° British food hot (especially not toast) because then people ° ° warm their inside and realise how cold their outside is. ° ° 7. Bacon. Half cooked, 2/3 fat, cold, and with an edge of rind ° ° (heck why be coy - with an edge of cooked pig leather) that ° ° must be cut off. ° ° 6. Chip Butties. Sandwiches made from cold, day-old left over ° ° french fries, white wonder bread and butter. Usually lunch ° ° food, but often considered by the young to be good breakfast ° ° fare - when sweetened with the addition of jam. ° ° 5. Dripping sandwiches. Made with white bread smeared with ° ° congealed bacon fat. Not to be confused with toast and ° ° drippings in which warm liquid bacon fat is poured on one slice ° ° of toasted white bread. ° ° 4. Salad cream. A white thick bottled chemical concoction that ° ° is to mayonnaise what the sweepings from the floor after a run ° ° of kraft dinner making is to fine stilton. ° ° 3. Scraps. The burnt bits of batter scraped up from the pot in ° ° the fish and chip fryer (Okay I loved them, but the idea is ° ° gross). ° ° 2. Mars bars. ° ° 1. Wimpy chain hamburgers. ° ° ° ° From: JAMES ASHFORD ° ° ° ° 10 Things About Those Gilligan's Island Girls ° ° ° ° 10. Mary ann was actually the pretty one, but Ginger's dad had money, so ° ° she got to be the glamour puss ° ° 9. Ginger had great calves; from all that walking around in the sand in ° ° 3 inch high heels ° ° 8. Mary Ann secretly had a thing for Gilligan, but she was sure he had ° ° a thing for The Skipper ° ° 7. Ginger could have easily built a boat, but nobody asked ° ° 6. Mary Ann was the first woman ever to wear a pump up bikini top ° ° (compliments of The Professor) ° ° 5. The Minnow really went off course because of all the clothes Ginger ° ° packed for that 3 hour tour. Her 12 suitcases broke free from their ° ° restraining straps, and sent the boat wildly out of control ° ° 4. Ginger had a thing for The Skipper, but he already had a 'Little ° ° Buddy' ° ° 3. Mr. Howell was always saying; "Hey girls, how would you like to help ° ° me spend some of my money?" ° ° 2. Every full moon, Mary Ann would put on her red pumps, close her ° ° eyes, and gently tap her heels together while chanting "there's no ° ° place like home, there's no place like home" ° ° 1. Ginger took ol' Thursty up on his offer ° ° ° ° From: JAMES ASHFORD ° ° ° ° Top 10 Things I Can't Stand About "Love Connection" ° ° ° ° 10. Chuck Woollery makes all the women contestants go through his own ° ° little pre-screening ritual. ° ° 9. 2 minutes and 2 seconds usually turns into 4 and 4. ° ° 8. Next to "Love Connection," "Studs" looks like a class act. ° ° 7. Chuck Woollery makes all the men contestants go through his own ° ° little pre-screening ritual. ° ° 6. It's really hard to impress someone when the show only gives you 50 ° ° lousy bucks for the lousy date. ° ° 5. I feel so ashamed to admit it but I hope that nobody makes a love ° ° connection. The rotten dates are always the better stories. ° ° 4. Chuck's so slimey it looks like he's going to fall off that couch ° ° any second. ° ° 3. Some of those people can't get a date? Yeah, right. ° ° 2. I watch it, I tape it, I'm addicted to it. There, I said it, and ° ° I don't care what anybody thinks. ° ° 1. I absolutely hate that obnoxious chick that comes on at the end of ° ° the show and says, "Yo, promotional considerations ...." ° ° (I know, she's on "Studs", but she probably dated Chuck, so there's ° ° the connection) ° ° ° ° From: TIM GROULX ° ° ° ° TOP TEN THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN READING REAL ESTATE ADS: ° ° ° ° 10."Close to transportation" really means 150 metres off the end ° ° of the Thunder Bay Airport main runway; ° ° 9. "Unobstructed view" really means not a d*mn tree in sight; ° ° 8. "Handyman's special" really means a carpenter's nightmare; ° ° 7. "Revenue potential" really means only if its a stop on the ° ° underground railway for illegal immigrants being run by ° ° blood-sucking rail barons; ° ° 6. "Cozy" really means it is so small that if its to be ° ° occupied by two adults of opposite sexes, you cannot avoid buying ° ° another house in about 9 months from the closing of this sale; ° ° 5. "Commercial Zoning" does NOT mean prostitution is a permitted ° ° use (no kidding, my Dad sold a house to a Madame early in his ° ° career because it was ZONED right! My poor Dad had no idea what ° ° the h*ll she was talking about!); ° ° 4. "Executive" really means 25 years of back breaking mortgage ° ° payments even for Conrad Black; ° ° 3. "Rural" really means inaccessable anytime it rains; ° ° 2. "Country view" really means you can't see ANYTHING for the ° ° d*mned trees; and ° ° 1. "In-law suite" is only ever an in-law suite because no normal ° ° human being would allow anyone ( anything) else to live in there! ° ° ° ° From: TIM GROULX ° ° ° ° TOP TEN PROOFS THAT MILITARY INTELLIGENCE EXISTS ° ° ° ° 10. The Army tells you to drive with your headlights on in the ° ° daytime and to drive with your headlights off at night - all in ° ° the name of safety; ° ° 9. the person with the least amount of personal space, time or ° ° privacy in the whole organization is called... a private; ° ° 8. the officers that spend the least amount of time in the field ° ° such as Majors, Lt. Cols and Cols are called... field grade ° ° officers, of course; ° ° 7. soldiers are trained to "close with and destroy the enemy, by ° ° day or by night, in any weather" and then sent on UN Peacekeeping ° ° missions; ° ° 6. we currently have approx 80,000 military people in the CF, ° ° including about 4 times as many Generals as there were in the ° ° services at the end of WW II, when all the services numbered just ° ° under 1 MILLION; ° ° 5. a C1 is a rifle, a C2 is an automatic rifle, a C3 is a sniper ° ° rifle, C4 is an explosive, and a C5 is a pocket knife; ° ° 4. Officers are not allowed to drive their own jeep; ° ° 2. a dining room is called a `Mess'; ° ° 1. after 25 years of faithful service, the Army wants your watch ° ° back! ° ° ° ° From: KENNETH NEWMAN ° ° ° ° TOP TEN JEOPARDY-STYLE QUESTIONS ° ° ° ° 10. Three days in July. ° ° 9. The fat lady is singing. ° ° 8. Plugging a levee on the Mississippi. ° ° 7. She's the producer's daughter. ° ° 6. 42 and Cybil Shepherd on a bed of lettuce and jello. ° ° 5. Muskeg. ° ° 4. Barbara MacDougal. ° ° 3. John Major. ° ° 2. Several million dollars and an enormous amount of ° ° talent, charisma and good looks. ° ° 1. An enormous stock portfolio, millions of adoring women ° ° fans, several nifty cars and an impressive array of ° ° carpentry skills. ° ° ° ° TOP TEN JEOPARDY-STYLE ANSWERS ° ° ° ° 10. What is summer in Thunder Bay? ° ° 9. What are the NDP's chances of getting re-elected? ° ° 8. What on earth is Delta Burke good for? ° ° 7. Why would anyone but a deranged crack-head ever cast ° ° Tori Spelling in a dramatic role? ° ° 6. What is the meaning of life and the next best thing? ° ° 5. What does a female musk ox lay? ° ° 4. Why shouldn't cousins marry? ° ° 3. What other phenomenally dweeby political leader does ° ° Bob Rae most resemble? ° ° 2. So what's Harrison Ford got that I ain't got? ° ° 1. Well, aside from the bucks, the talent, the high Q ° ° rating and the fact that he ain't ugly? Huh? Huh? ° ° ° ° ° ° From: SANDY ILLES ° ° ° ° Top Ten Things Used Car Ads Are Really Telling You: ° ° ° ° 10. "Low mileage" - It was almost totalled in a huge crash. ° ° 9. "Very low mileage" - It was almost totalled in a huge ° ° crash as the owner was driving it off the car lot. ° ° 8. "Needs some body work" - The owner has given up on ° ° trying to repair the perforation rust because his ° ° children keep getting their arms stuck in the holes. ° ° 7. "Mechanically sound" - Owner can't identify those ° ° funny noises but the car still runs most of the time. ° ° 6. "A bargain" - Owner will accept any offer just to get ° ° this heap of rusted junk off of his front lawn. ° ° 5. "Needs some work" - A team of mechanics working night ° ° and day for six months could possibly get this baby ° ° back on the road again. ° ° 4. "Hardly driven" - The owner was too busy hitting ° ° things like parked cars and fire hydrants to do much ° ° driving. ° ° 3. "Very clean" - Owner emptied the ashtray. ° ° 2. "Private sale" - No dealer was dumb enough to take ° ° it as a trade-in. ° ° 1. "All the extras" - It has air conditioning, power ° ° seats, tilt steering and all sorts of goodies... too ° ° bad the engine won't start. ° ° ° ° From: JAMES ASHFORD ° ° ° ° Top 10 "You know you're lazy when....." ° ° ° ° 10. you slowly starve to death because you're too lazy to tell ° ° your wife to make you something to eat. ° ° 9. you get a government job because you're too lazy for real ° ° work. ° ° 8. your VCR blinks 12:00 because you're too lazy to set it. ° ° 7. an absolute gorgeous semi-dressed person walks by, but you won't ° ° turn your head to have a look. ° ° 6. you consider fishing to be a strenuous sport. ° ° 5. sitting around and watching paint dry is your idea of fun. ° ° 4. your children give you monogrammed house slippers for Christmas. ° ° 3. you have a standing order at the department store to ship you a ° ° new e-z-boy chair every year. ° ° 2. you forget when you last wore out a pair of shoes. ° ° 1. you watch back-to-back-to-back evangelist shoes on TV because ° ° you're too lazy to flick the remote control. ° ° ° ° From: SANDY ILLES ° ° ° ° Top Ten More Ways To Tell If You're Lazy: ° ° ° ° 10. You don't even know how to turn off your alarm clock. ° ° 9. You never get up before the crack of noon. ° ° 8. Your biggest goal is to have Mondays and mornings outlawed. ° ° 7. Your cat has to cook all the meals at your house. ° ° 6. It's too much trouble to apply for welfare. ° ° 5. All of the light bulbs in your house are burned out, but ° ° it's easier to use candles than to change the bulbs. ° ° 4. You don't need clothes anymore because you never get dressed. ° ° 3. If your computer chair didn't have wheels, you'd never get any ° ° exercise. ° ° 2. It tires you out to watch The Wide World Of Sports. ° ° 1. You have to be fed intravenously because you're too ° ° lethargic to lift the fork to your mouth. ° ° ° °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° ° ° ° ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» ° ° º ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it º ° ° º remains unaltered in any way. 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