кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 2   September, 1993    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362  Data: (416)825-8653             л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                     л     Г
ГАААААл  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      лАААААГ
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  The Figmentary News                                         л     Г
Г     л  You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When...                 л     Г
Г     л  SPUDS - The Parody Of Studs                                 л     Г
Г     л  Glass Eye Story                                             л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л  Flame Of The Month                                          л     Г
Г     л  Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists                           л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the second issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing          Г
Г    Digest! Why did we choose the name ROTFL Digest, you ask?             Г
Г    Well, TIME and LIFE were already taken.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (416)825-8653 as an ascii  Г    Г
Г     Г [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       Bordeaux, France - Jean Leclerc had been jilted by his             Г
Г       girlfriend and decided that life wasn't worth living. He           Г
Г       turned on the gas in his apartment to end it all, then             Г
Г       changed his mind and turned off the gas. Relaxing from his         Г
Г       close call, he sat back and lit a cigarette. BOOM! The             Г
Г       apartment was destroyed and Leclerc is recovering from             Г
Г       severe burns.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Paris, France - Rich French women with nothing better to do        Г
Г       believe they have come up with a way to keep their youthful        Г
Г       complexions: by taking hour-long baths in tubs full of             Г
Г       yogurt. We at ROTFL Digest don't know how they look, but           Г
Г       we're willing to bet that they don't smell so good.                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Agnone, Italy - Santino Luzaro's worst nightmare came true         Г
Г       when he was struck by lightning while sitting in a dentist's       Г
Г       chair. The 23-year old salesman survived the freak lightning       Г
Г       strike but was bounced out of the chair and lay unconscious        Г
Г       for almost 10 minutes, said Dr. Salvatore Ericato. Perhaps a       Г
Г       little Divine intervention to indicate the necessity of            Г
Г       scheduling regular dental checkups? Hmmmmm!                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Nice, France - 22-year old Jacquelyn LaBow was thrown in jail      Г
Г       for six days for riding naked on an elephant beside a busy         Г
Г       highway during rush hour.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Sunderland, England - A 53-year old was rushed to hospital         Г
Г       with breathing problems when he mistook a bottle of glue for       Г
Г       nasal spray, and sealed his nose shut. Don't they have             Г
Г       product labels over there???                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Miserton, England - 37-year old Alison Hewson shot her             Г
Г       husband in the head with a pellet gun because he hadn't            Г
Г       brought in the wash from the clothesline. He was treated           Г
Г       at a hospital and released. Mrs. Hewson received two years         Г
Г       probation after admitting to the shooting. We wonder what the      Г
Г       penalty is in England for forgetting to make the bed.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Livonia, Michigan - Enterprising Dr. M. George found a fast        Г
Г       way for flu patients to get their shots. He set up a               Г
Г       drive-thru window. Patients pull up, stick their arms out the      Г
Г       car windows, get the shots, then pay $20.00. They are asked        Г
Г       to hang around for 10 minutes to make sure they don't have a       Г
Г       reaction to the vaccine. ROTFL Digest simply can't wait for        Г
Г       brain surgeons to take up this practice ("We'll take the           Г
Г       double prefrontal lobotomy with a side order of fries...")         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Idaho Falls, Idaho - 8-year old Richard Knecht set an amazing      Г
Г       record by doing 25,222 straight sit-ups in 11 hours, 14            Г
Г       minutes. We wonder how much garbage he could take out in that      Г
Г       same amount of time.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Japan - Pampered pets around the world can now have their          Г
Г       fortune told by their very own professional psychic. Owners        Г
Г       send photos of their pets to the psychic, along with the           Г
Г       animal's birth date, blood type, and $43.00 in cash. In            Г
Г       return they get a taped message foretelling the pet's future.      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Lyons, France - Two bungling burglars blasted open a bank's        Г
Г       cash dispensing machine with explosives and accidentally           Г
Г       burned up all the money they'd intended to steal. An               Г
Г       estimated $64,000.00 was reduced to ashes in seconds.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Afula, Israel - Yosef Levin was charged with stealing the          Г
Г       wallets of at least six guests at his daughter Octavia's           Г
Г       wedding. To make matters worse, he was arrested by the father      Г
Г       of the groom, police chief Gershom Sliverton.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Morocco - Police commissioner Mohamed Mustapha Tabet               Г
Г       was executed by firing squad for forcing women to                  Г
Г       take part in orgies. He told the court he'd had sex                Г
Г       with 1,600 women in three years. ROTFL Digest wants                Г
Г       to know if anyone ever saw him IN his uniform.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г          50 cents     - The Figmentary News -    September, 1993         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Published at random intervals vaguely related to the moon's cycles     Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г WOMAN SWALLOWS CLOCK AND DEVELOPS Г Г   DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN SELLS SOUL    Г
Г         A NERVOUS TICK            Г Г             TO SANTA               Г
Г                                   Г Г                                    Г
Г Hilda Vlebenstein became alarmed  Г Г Bob Fogie decided to cash in on a  Г
Г last Friday evening when she      Г Г multitude of earthly rewards by    Г
Г accidentally swallowed a clock    Г Г selling his soul to Satan, but Bob Г
Г and developed a nervous tick.     Г Г ended up selling his soul to Santa Г
Г Doctors were unable to remove the Г Г by mistake. Bob had no comments forГ
Г clock but did manage to disable   Г Г reporters but Santa is on record asГ
Г the alarm bell, allowing Mrs.     Г Г saying, "If he's a good boy, I'm   Г
Г Vlebenstein's husband to finally  Г Г sure he'll get a present at        Г
Г get some sleep. Mrs. Vlebenstein  Г Г Christmas. Ho ho ho!"              Г
Г announced that she intends to     Г РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г re-make the hit Rolling Stones    Г кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г song "Time Is On My Side" as      Г Г    @            \                  Г
Г "Time Is On My Insides."          Г Г     \\          \     Г            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй Г      / \      / \    Г             Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП Г    /     \          /              Г
Г     EVEREADY BUNNY ARRESTED -     Г Г   @@@@@@@@@   ( \    /             Г
Г     CHARGED WITH BATTERY          Г Г    @ o o @    \  \  /              Г
Г                                   Г Г    @  w  @   /  \ \/               Г
Г Saturday night the local police   Г Г     @@@@@   /   /                  Г
Г broke up a fight and were amazed  Г Г     @@@@@  /   /                   Г
Г to discover that the perpetrator  Г РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г is the nationally famous          Г Santa holds up document proving that Г
Г Energizer Bunny. "He won't get    Г he is now the legal owner of Bob     Г
Г any celebrity treatment from      Г Fogie's soul. Fogie has no comment.  Г
Г us," claimed Sergeant Bullwinkle  Г кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФПГ
Г Moose. "He's not going to hop out Г Г WEATHER:                          ГГ
Г of town on these charges!" The    Г Г Today: The sun                    ГГ
Г defense lawyer, Bugs J. Bunny,    Г Г Tonight: The moon                 ГГ
Г claimed that the charges are      Г Г Where will it all end???          ГГ
Г invalid. "You can't keep a guy    Г РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФйГ
Г like this locked up in the hole!  Г кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФПГ
Г What a buncha maroons!"           Г Г Advertisement                     ГГ
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй Г                                   ГГ
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП Г McMUNCHIE'S LUNCHEON SPECIALS!    ГГ
Г DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN FINDS DOG      Г Г                                   ГГ
Г                                   Г Г Roast Beef   -  $5.25             ГГ
Г Bob Fogie realized that he        Г Г Chicken      -  $4.50             ГГ
Г shouldn't have tried to sell his  Г Г Children     -   Free!            ГГ
Г soul to Satan and looked to God   Г Г                                   ГГ
Г for answers. Too late he realized Г РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФйГ
Г that he was reading the name      Г кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФПГ
Г backwards.Bob has been worshippingГ Г  300,000 KM/SEC: IT'S NOT JUST A  ГГ
Г a stray poodle for the last six   Г Г    GOOD IDEA - IT'S THE LAW!      ГГ
Г weeks. Bob's only comment was:    Г Г                                   ГГ
Г "I wondered why He barked orders  Г Г Details on page A-7.              ГГ
Г at me all the time!"              Г РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФйГ
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   ЩЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЛ          Г
Г   К   You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When...             К          Г
Г   ЬЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЙ          Г
Г   К   You wake up and brush your hair and comb your teeth.    К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   A cop stops you for speeding and when he asks if you    К          Г
Г   К   knew how fast you were going, you reply, "I wasn't      К          Г
Г   К   even using the warp engines!"                           К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   The lunch you buy in the school cafeteria slowly        К          Г
Г   К   slithers off the plate.                                 К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   You find out that the can of beans you opened for       К          Г
Г   К   supper has been recalled because it's contaminated.     К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   People accuse you of having PMS - and you're a guy.     К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   The only copy of a book you've been working on with     К          Г
Г   К   your wordprocessor is accidentally erased by your       К          Г
Г   К   5-year old while he's trying to load "Revenge Of The    К          Г
Г   К   Space Mutant Brain-Sucking Android Spuds From Mars."    К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   Your boss tells you that there's no need to take off    К          Г
Г   К   your coat.                                              К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   Your mother schedules you for a guest appearance on     К          Г
Г   К   Geraldo.                                                К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   A psychic refuses to give you a reading, telling you    К          Г
Г   К   to leave quickly because she doesn't want to have       К          Г
Г   К   your bad karma affect her.                              К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   Your dentist looks into your mouth and exclaims with    К          Г
Г   К   glee, "I'm finally going to be able to buy that new     К          Г
Г   К   yacht!"                                                 К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   Your contact lens floats so far back under your eyelid  К          Г
Г   К   it will require major brain surgery to remove it.       К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   К   Someone suggests that surely there's a ledge you should К          Г
Г   К   be throwing yourself off.                               К          Г
Г   К                                                           К          Г
Г   ШЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭМ          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г SPUDS - The Parody Of STUDS   By Sandy Illes                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г There's a hot new show on FOX these days that brings the dehumanizing    Г
Г glamour of the desperate singles scene into the living room of your      Г
Г own home! Two guys get to go out on blind dates with three girls, then   Г
Г they all appear on the show and make fools of themselves for our         Г
Г viewing pleasure! Even though the guys think they're STUDS, we all       Г
Г know that they're really vegetables, which is why this parody is         Г
Г called SPUDS!                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: Hi, I'm Mark De Carlo and these three hot looking babes   Г
Г have gone out on blind dates with two studs to see if they could find    Г
Г some schmeckin!                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г (He goes and sits down, facing the girls)                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г (The girls may have been in a makeup factory when it exploded. They're   Г
Г wearing clothes so painfully tight that it's obvious the circulation to  Г
Г their brains has been cut off. Girl #1 is a bleached blonde whose        Г
Г crimped hair stands out at a 45 degree angle from her face. It helps to  Г
Г hide the fact that her teeth stick out at a 45 degree angle to her mouth.Г
Г Girl #2 is a brunette with long, flowing hair. If it wasn't for the      Г
Г mustache, she might not even need to wear a paper bag over her head in   Г
Г public. She is wearing cowboy boots that will have to be surgically      Г
Г removed after the show. Girl #3 is another bleached blonde. She has      Г
Г enormous breasts which threaten to pop out of her dress, which hasn't    Г
Г fit her since she was 12 years old.)                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo to girl #1: What are you looking for in a guy?             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Girl #1: I'm looking for a guy who knows what he wants. He must be       Г
Г intelligent, fun, and very romantic.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #2) What are you looking for        Г
Г in a guy?                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Girl #2: He must be intelligent and know what he wants. And he has       Г
Г to have a cute butt. (giggles wildly)                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #3) What are you looking for        Г
Г in a guy?                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Girl #3: Someone with a good job and a great butt! (giggles wildly)      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: (to the audience) And here are the two studs who          Г
Г went out on dates with these wild women! Jason is an axe-murderer        Г
Г who likes to dig up coffins, and Oswald is an escaped lunatic who        Г
Г believes he's Napoleon.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г (Audience claps and cheers)                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: (turns to Jason) So how'd you get into axe-murdering?     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Jason: (shrugs nonchalently) I didn't even know I had a talent for       Г
Г it until my first axe murder. I've been at the top of my profession      Г
Г ever since.                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: And what do you look for in a date?                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Jason: She has to have enormous breasts and a willingness to be          Г
Г killed for my pleasure.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (Turns to Oswald) And what do you look       Г
Г for in a date?                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Oswald: She must have huge hooters and a willingness to be killed.       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г (Audience cheers)                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: (Turns to Jason) So do you make a good impression on      Г
Г the phone?                                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Jason: Sure! I try to talk about things I know a lot about.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo: Well, we asked the girls what they thought about you      Г
Г after they spoke to you on the phone and this is what they said:         Г
Г Axe a silly question and get a silly answer!                             Г
Г I thought he would be glad to see me, but it was just an axe in          Г
Г his pocket!                                                              Г
Г His dreamy axe sent spasms of pleasure through my body!                  Г
Г (Audience ooooooooooh's excitedly) If you can tell me which girl         Г
Г said what, I'll give you a heart.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Jason: It doesn't matter. I'll have all their hearts...                  Г
Г and yours too! (Pulls out a huge axe and begins attacking                Г
Г everyone onstage)                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Mark De Carlo (frantically): That's it for this edition of               Г
Г SPUDS! (whispering loudly) Call 911. Call 911! Helllllp!                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Off Camera Voice: Yo! Promotional considerations have been               Г
Г provided by.... ARGGGGGGH!                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г (Audience claps wildly since everyone hates the "Yo! Girl.")             Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г    кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП           Г
Г    Г  From: RICHARD PLATEL                                   Г           Г
Г    Г                                                         Г           Г
Г    Г  I once knew this guy with TWO glass eyes, and he used  Г           Г
Г    Г  to go up to people he didn't know so well and pop one  Г           Г
Г    Г  out and say, "Hey, look at my glass eye," then fake a  Г           Г
Г    Г  sneeze to make the other one fall out then look back   Г           Г
Г    Г  and forth between the two and say, "Damn, I took out   Г           Г
Г    Г  the wrong one!"                                        Г           Г
Г    РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй           Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГOne day on Oprah, the title is "Ghosts."  Oprah turns and asks            Г
Гthe audience, "Ok, how many of you believe in ghosts?"  More              Г
Гthan half the audience stands up.  Oprah then says,"Alright,              Г
Гstay standing if you have personally seen a ghost."  Only a               Г
Гhandful remain standing.  Finally, she asks, "Have any of you             Г
Гhad sex with a ghost?"  This time only one man remains standing.          Г
ГOprah hurriedly runs up to him and ask him where he is from.              Г
ГThe young man responds, "Ah'm frum Texas." Oprah sickly looks             Г
Гat the man and says, "Now sir, you want me to believe that you            Г
Гhave actually had sex with a ghost?!?" The man looks surprised            Г
Гand replies, "Ghosts!?!...I thought you said 'G-O-A-T-S'!"                Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------- Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do Billy Graham and The Houston Oilers have in common? They can both Г
Гfill up the Astrodome, and in 15 minutes have the crowd yelling "Jesus    Г
ГChrist!"                                                                  Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГTwo cowboys rode into town and dismounted. One of them walked around      Г
Гbehind his horse, lifted his tail and kissed it's butt. The other cowboy  Г
Гasked, "What did you do that for?"                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГThe first cowboy replied, "I got chapped lips."                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г"Does that help?"                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г"No, but it sure keeps me from licking my lips again!"                    Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГBoy: Mommy, Mommy!  I HATE daddy's guts!                                  Г
ГMom: Shut up and keep EATING!                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГBoy: Mommy, Mommy!  I've got ENOUGH goldfish!                             Г
ГMom: Shut up and open your MOUTH!                                         Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГQ: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?         Г
Г1: A terrorist will release hostages once his needs are met.              Г
Г2: You can negotiate with a terrorist.                                    Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГA grasshopper goes into a bar.  As he jumps up on the bartop,             Г
Гthe bartender remarks, "Hey, we've got a drink here named after           Г
Гyou!"  The grasshopper, puzzled, replies, "You've got a drink             Г
Гhere named Dave?"                                                         Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you call a guy in your mail box?                                  Г
ГBill.                                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you call a man in a lion's den?                                   Г
ГClaude.                                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you call someone under your bed?                                  Г
ГDusty.                                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you call a female lawyer?                                         Г
ГSue.                                                                      Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  If Jesus were Polish, what would be his first miracle?                  Г
Г  He would make a blind man deaf.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГMommy, Mommy!  What's a vampire?                                          Г
ГShut up kid, and drink your soup before it clots.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГMommy, Mommy!  What's a werewolf?                                         Г
ГShut up kid, and comb your face.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГMommy, Mommy!  Are you sure this is the way to make pizza?                Г
ГShut up kid, and get back in the oven.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГMommy, Mommy!  I don't want to go to Europe!                              Г
ГShut up kid, and keep rowing.                                             Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What do a redneck and a tornado have in common????                       Г
Г Given enough time, they will both find a trailer park.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Flame Of The Month:                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  You are truly pathetic. Not to be confused with imitation               Г
Г  pathetic or facsimile pathetic. Have you not considered                 Г
Г  that brain surgery would be a minor operation for you?                  Г
Г  Your unimportance is matched only by your insignificance.               Г
Г  Since you already have an electric typewriter, I'd like                 Г
Г  to suggest that you find a matching chair.                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г   Some Great Top Ten Lists Collected In The City2City Top                Г
Г   Ten Conference! (Reposted With Permission) If Your                     Г
Г   Favorite BBS Doesn't Carry The C2C Top Ten Conference,                 Г
Г   Whine At Your Sysop Until He Gets It For You!                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS YOU MUST HAVE WITHOUT          Г
Г       FAIL IN ORDER TO TRANSFORM A MERE GATHERING OF ALCOHOLICS          Г
Г               INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A PARTY                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Lime jello in prodigious quantities.                           Г
Г       9. Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life": Enough copies so         Г
Г       that everybody gets at least one.                                  Г
Г       8. Kenneth Newman and a limitless supply of 21 year old            Г
Г       single malt whisky for him.                                        Г
Г       7. A Twister game.                                                 Г
Г       6. A special Twister game for when Kenneth Newman plays            Г
Г       that only has one colour.                                          Г
Г       5. A jar of Malaysian Bucktoothed Earwigs. Don't ask.              Г
Г       4. A Mister Microphone.                                            Г
Г       3. A karaoke machine.                                              Г
Г       2. A pump-action 12 gauge shotgun capable of firing at             Г
Г       least 8 rounds without reloading for items 9 and 3 above.          Г
Г       1. Some bitchin' tunes (make it ska and dancehall and              Г
Г       maybe some skate/punk/thrash/death unless you want to              Г
Г       have an exciting conversation with #8 and #2 above), some          Г
Г       outrageous dudes and babes, clean washrooms, and a person          Г
Г       with a pasty white complexion dressed all in black with a          Г
Г       nose ring who thinks it's politically irresponsible to be          Г
Г       enjoying yourselves so much while there is all this                Г
Г       suffering going on in the world so you can have someone            Г
Г       to laugh at on those rare occasions when Kenneth Newman            Г
Г       manages to talk the lady of his choice into filling the            Г
Г       bathtub in one of the clean washrooms with lime jello and          Г
Г       playing Twister (should take about 22 1/2 minutes at a             Г
Г       rough guess).                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: JAMES ASHFORD                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN COUNTRY\COWBOY BOOZE TUNES:                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. I love her more than triple mash                               Г
Г        9. Our love went flatter than 3 day old beer                      Г
Г        8. First she stole my heart, then the keys to my                  Г
Г           liquor cabinet                                                 Г
Г        7. She don't understand me or my 24 little friends                Г
Г        6. Jack Daniels creates the lovin' in our marriage                Г
Г        5. She got those purty lips by drinkin' straight from             Г
Г           the bottle                                                     Г
Г        4. Two steppin' to a moonshine glow                               Г
Г        3. Put my shotgun down, I'll stop drinkin' again                  Г
Г           tomorrow, darlin'                                              Г
Г        2. 80 proof ain't proof enough for a man like me                  Г
Г        1. She loves the way my neck goes red from drinkin'               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs:                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. I Drank So Much Whiskey That I Didn't Feel The                 Г
Г           Pain When My Dog Bit Me.                                       Г
Г       9.  The Lynchin's Over But I've Still Got Rope Burns               Г
Г           On My Hands.                                                   Г
Г       8.  Put Your Sweet Lips A Little Closer To My Nose.                Г
Г       7.  Love Is Like A Chicken Fry.                                    Г
Г       6.  All I've Got Is This Pickup, A Bottle Of Whiskey,              Г
Г           And The Ten Million Dollars My Daddy Done Left Me.             Г
Г       5.  My Achey Breaky Car.                                           Г
Г       4.  I'd Start Cryin' Again If I Could Just Stop Now.               Г
Г       3.  There's Another Man's Hair In My Razor.                        Г
Г       2.  She's A Tramp, But She's Got Too Much Money For Me             Г
Г           To Leave Her.                                                  Г
Г       1.  I'm P-A-R-O-L-E-D As Of Today.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: JAN PERKINS                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                 TOP TEN ANTI-MIME WEAPONS                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г10. A 203 grenade launcher with the special "party pack" of               Г
Г    explosives, fleshettes, incendiary, tear gas, and special             Г
Г    neutron bomb combo.                                                   Г
Г 9. A steam roller.                                                       Г
Г 8. Old Arnie the terminator before he learned that knee-capping          Г
Г    was better than out and out destruction.                              Г
Г 7. Two tons of water dropped from a forest-fire fighting water           Г
Г    bomber that has been flying at a high enough altitude to              Г
Г    freeze the water solid.                                               Г
Г 6. Another mime - fired from a circa 1812 cannon.                        Г
Г 5. Guido, the uncle from the good and bad dating list, with a            Г
Г    few of his friends in the cement business.                            Г
Г 4. Some really good thrash metal and the mosh pit that goes              Г
Г    with it.                                                              Г
Г 3. A very friendly large dog who just *loves* the taste of               Г
Г    whiteface make-up.                                                    Г
Г 2. A pit bull with an attitude combined with the "meat dress"            Г
Г    of a not too long ago art show.                                       Г
Г 1. Anything blunt and heavy.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten Nose Squirtables:                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Yogurt - tastes the same coming out as it does going in.       Г
Г       9.  Orange juice with lots of seeds in it - "Look at what          Г
Г           came out of my nose Ma! Is it part of my brain? Is it?         Г
Г           Huh? Is it?"                                                   Г
Г       8.  Campbell's Chunky Soup - no explanation required.              Г
Г       7.  Boiled cabbage - works great to disgust queasy friends         Г
Г           and relatives.                                                 Г
Г       6.  Lime Jello - a Kenneth Newman favorite. "Oh look! My           Г
Г           bile juices are overflowing!"                                  Г
Г       5.  Raspberry Jello - a Jan Perkins favorite. "Hey, I'm            Г
Г           bleeding!" (Heh!)                                              Г
Г       4.  Coca Cola - "I'm a robot and my hydraulic fluid is             Г
Г           leaking out!"                                                  Г
Г       3.  7 UP - "Hey look! My nose is raining!"                         Г
Г       2.  Potato chips - "The pain, the pain!"                           Г
Г       1.  A 16.8 D/S - The only thing we'd all like to have squirt       Г
Г           out of our noses.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN BOOK PROPOSALS FROM KENNETH NEWMAN CURRENTLY               Г
Г       BEING OR SOON TO BE REJECTED BY MAJOR NEW YORK PUBLISHERS          Г
Г       WHO THINK THAT THEY'RE SITTING ON A HOLE IN THE GROUND             Г
Г       AND THAT SHINOLA WOULD MAKE A GREAT SANDWICH SPREAD IF IT          Г
Г              DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL SO BAD                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. DOS For Pathetic Morons Who Smell Bad - An OS primer           Г
Г       for people who find the DOS For Dummies books too                  Г
Г       intimidating and also have some personal problems.                 Г
Г       9. Me `n' Cyb: The Early Years - a one-step ahead of the           Г
Г       lawyers funfilled romp with Kenneth Newman and Cybil               Г
Г       Shepherd from her first beginnings on the jello farms of           Г
Г       Brazil to the time he lost her to Peter Bogdonavich in a           Г
Г       poker game.                                                        Г
Г       8. Fetid Fangs of Fascism - A history of dental hygiene            Г
Г       in Germany from 1933 to 1945.                                      Г
Г       7. Trains, War Weapons, The Big Band Sound and Marilyn             Г
Г       Monroe - A 40 pound book measuring 2'6'' x 3', for middle          Г
Г       aged men with lots of money and leisure and very little            Г
Г       libido left.                                                       Г
Г       6. Job Interview with a Vampire - A novel in which Vlad            Г
Г       the Impaler tries to convince the Ontario Human Rights             Г
Г       Commission that the uncontrollable desire for fresh                Г
Г       virgin's blood *is* a disability.                                  Г
Г       5. Stupid Cray Tricks - How to optimise the memory                 Г
Г       configuration on your campus's supercomputer so that it            Г
Г       can open Windows 3.1 in less that 45 seconds.                      Г
Г       4. Men Who Are Swine And the Women Who Are Married to              Г
Г       Them or Want to Be And Spend All Their Time Reading Pop            Г
Г       Psychology Books About Why Sometimes it Seems Like The             Г
Г       Best Thing You Could Do With Men is Take Them Out and              Г
Г       Shoot The Whole Lot of Them - by Cybil Newman, PhD.                Г
Г       3. Newman's Baedeker '94 - Let's Go Etobicoke!                     Г
Г       2. The Kama Suture - Intimate ties that can bind you to            Г
Г       the one you love! Lavishly illustrated with gratuitous             Г
Г       photos of obvious models in awkward stages of undress              Г
Г       revealing improbable tan lines.                                    Г
Г       1. David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists that David              Г
Г       Letterman Never Wrote, David Letterman Never Read and              Г
Г       David Letterman Never Had Anything to Do With Other Than           Г
Г       Creaming 40% Off The Top of Gross Royalties!!!                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Reject All Ten Now and Receive this Special Bonus Book             Г
Г       Proposal: The Peckerhead Principle - in which noted                Г
Г       business author, seminar giver and all around schmoozer,           Г
Г       Kenneth Newman forcefully argues his bold new theory that          Г
Г       99% of North America's economic problems stem from the             Г
Г       fact that 99% of the people in charge are a bunch of               Г
Г       numb-nutz with cottage cheese instead of brains.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Do Nothing! The book proposals will be automatically sent          Г
Г       to your home or business for approval. No health                   Г
Г       questions will be asked. No salesman will come to your             Г
Г       house. Remember, you are under no obligation at all,               Г
Г       unless you want Kenneth Newman to starve to death on the           Г
Г       street like a rat.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You:              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Molson Exlax Beer. Drink it regularly to be regular.           Г
Г       9.  Labatt Blue Suede Shoes Beer. Features a picture of Elvis.     Г
Г       8.  Labatt So-Dry-You-Have-To-Add-Water. Dehydrated beer.          Г
Г       7.  Schlitz-On-A-Stick. No description necessary.                  Г
Г       6.  Bud Lite-and-Fluffy. It's moist, it's wet, it's done when      Г
Г           you can stick a toothpick in the middle of it.                 Г
Г       5.  Molson Canadian Eh? The can talks, but all it says is "Eh?"    Г
Г       4.  Labatt Dry Ice Beer. Makes your tongue smoke.                  Г
Г       3.  Labatt Genuine Draft Cold-Filtered Almost-Pure-Enough-         Г
Г           To-Drink Beer.                                                 Г
Г       2.  Carlsberg International Beer. Tastes like it could have        Г
Г           come from any country except your own.                         Г
Г       1.  Heinie-kin Bud Lite. Yes, it's the Bundy's own beer,           Г
Г           freshly brewed by Bud while looking at girl's heinies.         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN THINGS YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY TO THE JUDGE IN              Г
Г       COURT TO GET YOU OFF AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED STANDING           Г
Г       OVER THE FRESH WARM CORPSE OF YOUR HUSBAND WHILE HOLDING A         Г
Г       SMOKING GUN IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS OF CHILLED 1971 DOM            Г
Г                PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN THE OTHER                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. I had PMS.                                                     Г
Г       9. In US: He was a communist.                                      Г
Г       8. In Ontario: He wasn't a communist.                              Г
Г       7. I just didn't feel good and he made a crack about               Г
Г          cellulite.                                                      Г
Г       6. Ramtha told me to.                                              Г
Г       5. He secretly lusts after "Blossom" star Mayam Bialik.            Г
Г       4. He denigrated my macrame.                                       Г
Г       3. He ate a plate of cabbage rolls, baked beans and                Г
Г          pickled eggs washed down with draft beer and I felt my          Г
Г          life was in danger.                                             Г
Г       2. He had an affair with Barbara McDougal.                         Г
Г       1. He smokes cigars.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: JAN PERKINS                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г      Top Ten Airport Hazards for Innocent Travellers                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. They are always renovating the airport "to serve you                 Г
Г     better", but you never seem to hit one that's been done.             Г
Г  9. There are no porters and the only available carts are miles          Г
Г     from where you need them, plus require some obscure                  Г
Г     combination of foreign bills and change to release them.             Г
Г  8. Somebody will always hit on you, show you gruesome pictures          Г
Г     and ask for donations for the suffering children of country          Г
Г     X. When you say you will gladly specify on your next                 Г
Г     donation to Red Cross that it go for relief in country X             Г
Г     they spit in your eye.                                               Г
Г  7. When travelling through a tight security, jittery, prone to          Г
Г     thievery airport (say Heathrow during an IRA christmas               Г
Г     campaign), your co-traveller promises to stay by the luggage         Г
Г     while you make a pit stop. You return to find she has                Г
Г     drifted off to look at some enchanting bit of duty free and          Г
Г     what little luggage that is left is being sniffed by big             Г
Г     dogs accompanied by men in berets.                                   Г
Г  6. When you lose your notebook power supply on a trip, the same         Г
Г     person runs the battery down to where it won't boot. You are         Г
Г     the person carrying the computer through security at another         Г
Г     fun airport (say Frankfurt) when you and Hans (who looks and         Г
Г     acts like he could have nabbed the lead baddie part in any           Г
Г     of the Allied WWII propaganda films) discover this.                  Г
Г  5. Airport food.                                                        Г
Г  4. Airport food prices.                                                 Г
Г  3. A person ahead of you in the security line-up does a great           Г
Г     machine gun impersonation. You think it's hysterical until           Г
Г     he acts shocked and fingers you as the culprit.                      Г
Г  2. The sinking feeling as your baggage vanishes down the                Г
Г     conveyor belt for connecting flights just as you hear                Г
Г     somebody say that she's lost hers that way the last three            Г
Г     times she's travelled.                                               Г
Г  1. Canadian customs. No I don't mean quaint folk traditions, or         Г
Г     on second thought maybe I do. You know where you are dumped          Г
Г     in a huge line in a huge hall of many, many unoccupied               Г
Г     places for customs agents and two occupied. And no you don't         Г
Г     get the guy with the cute tush who would probably blush when         Г
Г     he opens your suitcase, you get the customs agent from hell.         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    "No of course there's no line for streamlining entry of               Г
Г    landed immigrants and citizens - whaddya think being a                Г
Г    citizen gives you any right to anything? Hah think again -            Г
Г    you don't even have a right to a passport, you can't renew            Г
Г    yours if you have one, you have to re-apply each time and get         Г
Г    some person known for high ethical standards like a lawyer,           Г
Г    doctor or chiropractor vouch for you, and if they haven't             Г
Г    known you long enough you're outta luck (unless you bribe             Г
Г    the lawyer). And then we'll only give you one if we feel              Г
Г    like it that day . And now what's this - you have an unused           Г
Г    vitamin pill caught up in a used snot rag in your pocket.             Г
Г    Well we're getting you on undeclared drugs on this one, and           Г
Г    let me tell you we're analysing the stuff on that snot rag            Г
Г    and if we find it isn't yours then we get you on the                  Г
Г    biological weapon importation. Now you just make yourself             Г
Г    comfortable for the three days the analysis will take and no          Г
Г    you can't go to the can. And how do I, a wimp of a customs            Г
Г    agent with jello where my spine should be and spam for                Г
Г    brains know you'll just shut up and take it - hah your                Г
Г    passport's proof enough!"                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows:           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Phil graduated with honors from the University Of Ego,         Г
Г           having majored in Obnoxiousness.                               Г
Г       9.  Oprah likes to see people cry.                                 Г
Г       8.  Geraldo will say anything to make people cry.                  Г
Г       7.  Phil tries to be politically correct, but is very              Г
Г           intolerant of those who disagree with his views.               Г
Г       6.  Oprah really needs to get back on that diet.                   Г
Г       5.  Geraldo can make a love of chocolate chip cookies into a       Г
Г           sensationalistic lustful debasement.                           Г
Г       4.  Phil loves to make accusatory comments to his guests           Г
Г           and audience.                                                  Г
Г       3.  Oprah wishes she was a psychiatrist.                           Г
Г       2.  Geraldo leaves no scum unturned in finding guests for          Г
Г           his show.                                                      Г
Г       1.  These talk shows are a symptom of the pathetic lives           Г
Г           of the viewers.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TOP TEN PHENOMENALLY, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID THINGS YOU CAN           Г
Г          FIND IN A TWENTY YEAR OLD ISSUE OF PENTHOUSE                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Interviews with deranged South American film                   Г
Г       directors.                                                         Г
Г       9. Fuzzy pictures (gauze? vaseline on the lens? bad light          Г
Г       meter?) of women with long straight hair parted in the             Г
Г       middle who like to sit around in sheer coloured stockings          Г
Г       staring off into space with a dazed look in their eyes as          Г
Г       if someone just whacked 'em in the head with a great big           Г
Г       two-by-four.                                                       Г
Г       8. "Quotations" in the margins next to the pictures,               Г
Г       laced with brilliant and sensitive commentary. Sample:             Г
Г       "I'm a woman [Yeah, no shoe shine, Sherlock! That much is          Г
Г       plain to see.] and I'm a sensual being [Geez, I'm glad             Г
Г       she told us, otherwise it looks like she's just                    Г
Г       scratching a bad bug bite] and I need activity for my              Г
Г       body as well as my mind [...and one from each of the four          Г
Г       food groups!]." [To which someone who was paid cash money          Г
Г       to comment added] This feminine integrity is Paula's               Г
Г       strongest personal quality. [Now available in a special            Г
Г       "feminine integrity" spray or convenient roll-on                   Г
Г       applicator!]                                                       Г
Г       7. Ads for Three Dog Night 8 track tapes.                          Г
Г       6. Enema rock climbing. Nah, just kidding, but it did              Г
Г       have phony "letters" from amputee fetishists which might           Г
Г       count as Arm Fall Off Girl.                                        Г
Г       5. Stereo systems as big as a house, including,                    Г
Г       ironically enough, an ad for a pair of Bose speakers that          Г
Г       I am currently using.                                              Г
Г       4. Ads for posters you can order that depict 12 different          Г
Г       positions one can try according to the zodiac in special           Г
Г       day-glo colours. This was not as bad as the poster of              Г
Г       Mark Spitz.                                                        Г
Г       3. An ad, with no description of the book's contents               Г
Г       whatsoever, for a tome entitled, The Naked Chef.                   Г
Г       Obviously this was before the invention of Cuisinarts!             Г
Г       2. An ad for a men's cologne that comes in a "masculine            Г
Г       shape" bottle. The copy reads: STUDD. A man's sexiest              Г
Г       companion. The essence of maleness... [Something every             Г
Г       owner of a tomcat probably knows a little too much about]          Г
Г       unlike any other aroma. Underscores your pipe tobacco,             Г
Г       brings the sophisticated primitiveness [Yes!!!!! That's            Г
Г       what it says! "Sophisticated primitiveness"!!!! Even a             Г
Г       Newman couldn't make that up! Not even with a jereboam or          Г
Г       nebuchadnezzar of cheap champagne down his gullet!] of             Г
Г       your woman surging to the fore. [As they say on the golf           Г
Г       course, FORE! Maybe that's what they mean by foreplay?]            Г
Г       1. An ad for Joe Weider's weight-gaining Crash-Weight              Г
Г       Formula #7 for which the 110 lbs "before" picture says,            Г
Г       "Tuberculosis, emphysema, chronic bronchial asthma,                Г
Г       collapsed lungs, cirrhosis of the liver, narcolepsy,               Г
Г       alcoholic, drug addict, a life in and out of hospitals,            Г
Г       psychiatric patient, three packs of cigarettes a day, no           Г
Г       SEX desire, unloved - only dogs as companions" [This, I            Г
Г       take it, is to provoke the intended Penthouse reader,              Г
Г       potential client into shouting "Eureka! That's me!"] For           Г
Г       the 175 lbs "after" picture, in which an enormous wart in          Г
Г       the shape of an overendowed woman has mysteriously grown           Г
Г       out of his left arm, the copy reads, "The result today is          Г
Г       a muscular man of vitality - athletic, handsome, earning           Г
Г       $40,000 a year, cured of the sickness that used to plague          Г
Г       him and now - surrounded by beautiful girls!"                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of:                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Valor.                                                         Г
Г       9.  Mastercard usage.                                              Г
Г       8.  Gossip.                                                        Г
Г       7.  A husband getting fed by his wife.                             Г
Г       6.  Soup stains on your chin.                                      Г
Г       5.  Jello in your pants.                                           Г
Г       4.  SPAM flavored underwear.                                       Г
Г       3.  Playing darts with the visually impaired.                      Г
Г       2.  Being used as a restroom by a giant doberman.                  Г
Г       1.  Standing on your head and typing backwards on your             Г
Г           keyboard using only your tongue while wearing SPAM             Г
Г           flavored underwear.                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone:                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       10. Keep off the grass.                                            Г
Г       9.  Trespassers will be haunted.                                   Г
Г       8.  What are you lookin' at?                                       Г
Г       7.  What, me dead?                                                 Г
Г       6.  Warning: I have all the necessary qualities to be an           Г
Г           excellent poltergeist.                                         Г
Г       5.  I'm not dead - I'm just sleeping and rotting at the            Г
Г           same time.                                                     Г
Г       4.  Six feet under and proud of it!                                Г
Г       3.  Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?                  Г
Г       2.  R.I.P. graphics now available!                                 Г
Г       1.  Carrier dropped for the rest of eternity.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
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