旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 3 October, 1993 � � � � � � � � � � � � Published by Access Media Systems � � � � Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362 Data: (416)825-8653 � � � � � � � � Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes � � 낡같같� Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel 方같같� � � � � � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � � � � � � � � � Contents: � � � � � � � � Editorial � � � � True Silly Stories From Around The World � � � � How To Tell Someone's Birth Sign Just By Looking At Them � � � � An Imaginary Interview With Richard Platel � � � � Dear Blabby � � � � The ROTFL Dictionary � � � � Insults For All Occasions � � � � Flame Of The Month � � � � Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists � � � � Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! � � � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � � Editorial � � --------- � � � � Welcome to the third issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing � � Digest! What, are we still here, you ask? You betcha! � � � � All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original � � material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will � � be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. � � � 낡같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같개 � � � 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it � � � � remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may � � � � be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (416)825-8653 as an ascii � � � � [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. � � � � ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes � � � � without the express written consent of the publishers. � � � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � True Silly Stories From Around The World: � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � Volusia County, Florida - Hunter Michael Kelly hid � � in the woods and gobbled like a turkey waiting for � � an unsuspecting bird to answer his call. Apparently, � � the turkey call was too realistic, because Kelly was � � shot by another hunter who thought Kelly was a real � � live bird. � � � � Munich, Germany - A 345-pound boozer broke his neck � � while trying to get into a locked bar by crawling � � through a tiny bathroom window. He toppled over, � � landed on his head, and snapped his neck like a � � twig. Guess it wasn't "the right time now" for this � � Bud man. � � � � Wichita, Kansas - An unidentified woman was burned � � to a crisp when she lit up a cigarette and ignited � � the hairspray on her head. Yet one more reason for � � women to choose the natural look... � � � � Vladrus, Russia - Town council voted 9-2 in favor of � � changing the name of their town to America. While � � the councillors say it will "honor the world's � � greatest democracy," ROTFL Digest believes it's � � simply a clever way to stamp their produced goods � � with the label "Made in America." � � � � Paris, France - Housewife Catherine Deck got so mad � � at her husband, Alain, that she hit him with a giant � � cucumber - killing him instantly. Who says � � vegetables will make you live longer??? � � � � Berlin, Germany - 61-year old Erik Heinegar, who � � should have known better, was teasing a monkey at � � the zoo when the animal snatched Heinegar's glass � � eye. � � � � Salzberg, Austria - 41-year old Boris Herzman � � disarmed a gun-toting robber by buying the weapon � � from him - and he even got the thug to sign his real � � name to the receipt. Herzman picked up hitchiking � � crook Kirk Glaser on a highway near Salzberg, � � unaware that the police were hunting for this � � man. When Herzman noticed the rifle under � � Glaser's coat, he had an idea. "I couldn't help � � noticing your rifle," he said, "how much do you want � � for it?" Glaser said he'd sell it for $100.00 but � � Herzman said he only had $50.00 on him. Glaser � � agreed to the sale just before he was to be dropped � � off at an exit. Once Herzman was alone in his car, � � he went directly to the police. � � � � Hamburg, Germany - Six cops rushed to an apartment � � to break up a noisy brawl and when they broke down � � the door, discovered the fight was between a man and � � his dog. Stunned patrolmen found Fritz Reilov, 43, � � and his dog Adolph face-to-face on the floor, � � snarling, snapping, and biting eat other to bloody � � pieces. The fight began when Reilov bit his dog's � � nose because the stubborn terrier refused to fetch � � his newspaper. It is unknown if the dog pressed � � charges. � � � � El-Alamein, Egypt - Cab driver Alla Dalhanna held � � his sunglasses in his mouth as he drove down the � � street, when he had a fender-bender and choked to � � death on the glasses. Yet one more reason to wear � � contact lenses... � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � How To Tell Someone's Birth Sign Just By Looking At Them: � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � Aries the Ram - Easily identifiable by their horns � � and cloven hooves, Aries can be found knocking down � � glass displays in fine stores everywhere. � � � � Taurus the Bull - They snort a lot and want to gore � � you if you wear the color red. Can be found grazing � � in fields during the summer. � � � � Gemini the Twins - They change their minds so � � quickly, you need a scorecard to keep up with them. � � Geminis are easily identifiable by their forked � � tongues and an inability to keep quiet for more than � � two seconds. � � � � Cancer the Crab - They like to eat. They like to eat � � a lot. If their hips are less than 40 inches, � � they've been on the Bobby Sands diet at Her � � Majesty's Prison And Reducing Salon. � � � � Leo the Lion - The mane and whiskers usually give � � Leos away. Also, they have a tendency to eat raw � � meat while growling. � � � � Virgo the Virgin - The chastity belt is usually the � � easiest way to determine if someone is a Virgo. They � � won't kiss on the first, second, third or fourth � � date (or anniversary) and can be found getting � � marriages annulled in fine courts all over the � � continent. � � � � Libra the Scales - They want balance in their lives, � � but more than that, they want to get those � � furshlugginner scales off their scalps. Can often be � � found in pharmacies buying copious quantities of � � Head And Shoulders. � � � � Scorpio the Scorpion - Easily identifiable by the � � fact that they like to sting their enemies, Scorpios � � are very intense. � � � � Sagittarius the Archer - They look like horses and � � snort a lot. To find out if someone is a � � Sagittarius, offer them a sugar cube - if they count � � to 10 by stomping a foot, then you've assessed them � � correctly. � � � � Capricorn the Goat - Can be found grazing on grass, � � unrecycled newspaper, and old tin cans in fields and � � zoos all over the continent. � � � � Aquarius the Water-Bearer - Easily recognized by the � � fluoridation in their florid faces. They assume � � water is healthy because fish live in it, too often � � forgetting that fish also defecate in it. � � � � Pisces the Fish - They can be found pathetically � � swimming in empty lakes, fondly remembering the days � � when the lake actually held water. They like to eat � � seafood, but only if they're not on a first name � � basis with that particular species. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � An Imaginary Interview With Richard Platel: � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � � � ROTFL: How does it feel to be the moderator of the � � City2City Top Ten conference? � � � � RICH: Slightly better than having my eyes poked out � � with hot needles, but not quite as refreshing as a � � tall glass of Coke on a hot day. � � � � ROTFL: Are the rumours of your insanity greatly � � exaggerated? � � � � RICH: Who said that? It was Napoleon Bonaparte, � � wasn't it? Why, that little twerp! � � � � ROTFL: Ummmmm... no. � � � � RICH: Then it was Alexander the Great! Just wait � � until I see him in my next hallucination! Hmph! � � � � ROTFL: Is there anything in particular you'd like to � � talk about? � � � � RICH: Talk? Is that what I'm doing? I thought I was � � thinking out loud. Yes, I'd like to talk about the � � plot by Spam to take over the world. Spam is a � � synthetic meat-byproduct substitute that comes from � � another planet. How do I know this? Simple! I've � � been there! � � � � ROTFL: Excuse me. You say you've been to another � � planet? � � � � RICH: Sure. Hasn't everyone? � � � � ROTFL: How did you get there? � � � � RICH: I booked the vacation with SunTours, but I � � guess any decent travel agent could get you a deal � � on a trip to Sirius. � � � � ROTFL: Isn't that the dogstar? � � � � RICH: Shhhhh! Don't want to let people know what � � Spam is REALLY made of! � � � � ROTFL: Urk! And I think that concludes this � � interview. Let me know when they're going to remove � � the straitjacket - I'll come back and see you then. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � � � Dear Blabby, � � � � No one likes me. What should I do? � � � � Unliked � � � � Why should I care? � � � � Dear Blabby, � � � � Your advice stinks! � � � � Annoyed � � � � Much like your feet, I'd imagine. � � � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � The ROTFL Dictionary: � � � � ACTIONS: Speak louder than words but less often. � � � � ADULT: Someone old enough to know better. � � � � ADULTERER: Person whose life insurance will reward the one � � most likely to kill him/her. � � � � ARMY FOOD: The spoils of war. � � � � ASSASSINATION: Extreme form of censorship. � � � � ATHIEST: Someone with no invisible means of support. � � � � BABYSITTER: A girl you hire to watch your TV. � � � � BAD OFFICIALS: Elected by good citizens who forgot to vote. � � � � BIGAMIST: Someone who makes the same mistake twice. � � � � CATS: Living proof that a life of eating and sleeping can't � � be all bad. � � � � COMMITTEE: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. � � � � CONTRACEPTIVES: Items to use on every conceivable occasion. � � � � DACHSHUND: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long. � � � � DELUSION: Any certainty. � � � � DETOUR: The roughest distance between two points. � � � � DIPLOMACY: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a stick. � � � � EARTH: Like a tiny grain of sand, but much, much heavier; � � A solid substance much desired by the seasick. � � � � ELEPHANT: A mouse built to government specifications. � � � � FICTION: Writing that can't hold a scandal to biography. � � � � FIDDLE: The friction of a horse's tail on a cats' entrails. � � � � FISHING ROD: Has a hook at one end and a fool at the other. � � � � FLASHLIGHT: Device used for storing dead batteries. � � � � FRIEND: Someone with the same enemies as you. � � � � GENIUS: Someone who can do anything except earn a living. � � � � HEN: An egg's way of making another egg. � � � � HOLE: Nothing. But you can break your neck in one. � � � � HONEST POLITICIAN: One who STAYS bought. � � � � HONESTY: Fear of being caught. � � � � IRONY: Giving your father a wallet for Christmas. � � � � JURY: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer. � � � � LAWYER: Someone whose opinion is worthless unless paid for. � � � � LIFE: Something you do until you die. � � � � LUXURY: An item that costs 50 cents to make and 50 dollars � � to market. � � � � MONEY: It can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of � � misery. � � � � MOSQUITO: Mother Nature's way of making us appreciate � � spiders. � � � � OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist. � � � � OLD AGE: Better than the alternative. � � � � OPTIMIST: A guy without much experience. � � � � ORIGINALITY: Undetected plagiarism. � � � � OVERESTIMATION: Believing your geese are swans. � � � � PARENTS: A teenager's burden in life. � � � � PEST: A friend in need. � � � � PHILOSOPHIC ENJOYMENT: Mutual misunderstanding. � � � � PHILOSOPHY: A path from nowhere to nothing. � � � � POKER FACE: A face that's launched a thousand chips. � � � � PRAISE: What people give you when you're dead. � � � � PSYCHIATRIST: A blind man in a dark basement looking for � � a black cat - that isn't there. � � � � PSYCHOCERAMICS: The study of crackpots. � � � � PSYCHOLOGIST: A blind man in a dark basement looking for a � � black cat. � � � � SANDWICH: A faulty attempt to make two ends meat. � � � � SANTA'S ELVES: Bunch of subordinate Clauses. � � � � SHIN: A device for finding furniture in the dark. � � � � SWELLED HEAD: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum. � � � � SUBWAY: A place so crowded that even men can't all � � get seats. � � � � SYNONYM: A word you use when you can't spell the other one. � � � � TAXES: The thing most often raised on land. � � � � TEAMWORK: Having someone else to blame. � � � � TIPS: Wages we pay to someone else's hired help. � � � � WEDDING: A funeral where you smell your own flowers. � � � � YAWN: A silent shout. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � Insults For All Occasions: � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � � Want to improve your looks? Walk backwards! � � � � There is a cure for your lack of brains - it's � � called "silence." � � � � Maybe you'd be okay once I got to know you, but I � � don't want to take that chance. � � � � If he ate his words, he'd have to get his stomach � � pumped. � � � � In his case, brain surgery would be a minor � � operation. � � � � His parents almost lost him as a child. � � Unfortunately, they didn't take him far enough � � into the woods. � � � � He was such an ugly baby, his parents didn't know � � which end to diaper. � � � � Don't worry about losing your mind - you weren't � � using it anyway. � � � � Why don't you go somewhere and play with your mental � � blocks? � � � � He's so stupid, his teacher asked his parents to � � send a note in explaining his presence. � � � � He never opens his mouth without subtracting from � � the sum of human knowledge. � � � � He's so cheap, he won't even give anyone a cold. � � � � His parents couldn't afford a dog, so they got him � � instead. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � Flame Of The Month: � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � � � Hello there, tall, dark and obnoxious. � � � � It's possible that you may be a beautiful person on � � the inside. Unfortunately, it's the outside that � � shows. � � � � It's obvious that you have a lot on your mind - too � � bad there wasn't any room left for brains. Arguing � � with you is like trying to blow out a light bulb. � � � � If I ever said anything nice about you, please � � cancel it. Oh, and tell your mother to spit in your � � face for me. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � More Great Top Ten Lists Collected In The City2City Top � � Ten Conference (reposted with permission): � � � � From: SANDY ILLES � � � � Top Ten Ways To Recognize A Geek: � � � � 10. Bandaid artistically holds eyeglasses together. � � 9. Always carries a spare pocket protector. � � 8. Bad breath that could knock out a rhino at twenty paces. � � 7. Mismatched socks ("I have another pair at home just like these!"). � � 6. Pants are at least four inches above the ankles. � � 5. Very clean white running shoes with velcro instead of laces. � � 4. Speaks very loudly because they think people understand them � � better at higher decibel levels. � � 3. Thinks the Beatles would have been more successful if they'd been � � rappers. � � 2. Likes to spend an evening at home memorizing a dictionary. � � 1. Has a huge collection of x-rated GIF's. � � � � From: KENNETH NEWMAN � � � � TOP TEN REASONS WHY SOME PEOPLE WANT TO BE/ARE MODERATORS � � WHEN THEY SEEM TO HURT RATHER THAN HELP A CONFERENCE � � � � 10. They have no sense of humour and think they might � � have an off chance of getting one if they moderate a � � humour conference. � � 9. They have no one else to talk to. � � 8. They think that when they try to cram their bizarre � � political philosophies down people's throats it will have � � more weight from a moderator than a message from a plain � � old user. � � 7. Less chance of getting kicked off the conference, � � though more chance of getting kicked off the net. � � 6. They love being able to read other people's private � � mail. � � 5. Someone told them moderators get more babes and they � � fell for it. � � 4. Easier access for embezzling valuable prizes. � � 3. It gives them something to write after their name as � � in D.D.S., PhD, M.D., Moderator LuserNet Booger Jokes � � Conf., etc. � � 2. When the conference gets famous TIME magazine will � � interview them first. � � 1. They don't actually have anything to say about the � � subject of the conference but want to feel that they are � � participating, anyway. � � � � From: SANDY ILLES � � � � Top Ten Excuses For Not Doing Homework: � � � � 10. I washed my hair and got tangled in the clothesline while drying it. � � 9. The dog ate my homework. � � 8. The dog licked my homework (Ewww! Dog germs! ). � � 7. The dog urinated on my homework. � � 6. I had amnesia. � � 5. I hurt my brain trying to get amnesia. � � 4. Aliens abducted me and took my homework back to thier planet, � � mistakenly believing that it was something of important � � sociological significance. � � 3. I accidentally ate my own homework. � � 2. We don't need no steenking homework! � � 1. My car broke down... friends came in from out of town... the cheque � � is in the mail... Oops! Wrong excuses! � � � � From: KENNETH NEWMAN � � � � TOP TEN PERSONALITY CHANGES WROUGHT BY DIETS � � � � 10. When people cheerfully say "Good morning!" you bite � � their noses. � � 9. You go to the video store and rent everything with � � John Goodman, Dom Deluise or Roseann Barr. � � 8. You alternate between thinking you look pretty good � � now, eh? and thinking you are the most disgusting � � creature that ever crawled when in fact no one actually � � is paying any attention to what you look like either way. � � 7. You fantasize about radishes smeared with butter, � � celery smeared with cream cheese and Nutrasweet (TM) � � jello (TM) smeared with Cybil Shepherd (pat pend). � � 6. For some reason you develop a self-rightous image of � � yourself as being somehow virtuous in a way that � � religious martyrdom couldn't even come close to � � imitating. I mean, St Sebastian was tormented with � � arrows. So what? You were tormented by ring-dings, devil � � dogs, scooter pies (Elvis's fave, I hear), ring-lo's, � � twinkies and brewskies. � � 5. Three days after the start of your diet you go around � � picking up applications for marathons. Your insurance � � agent takes up smoking from the stress. � � 4. Your spouse longs whistfully for that cheerful, � � complacent, pliable, slightly chubby person they used to � � be married to and wears a bandaid on their nose all the � � time to cover up the teeth marks. � � 3. You scour pictures of waif-like, pre-Raphaelite � � skeletons in the fashion magazines hoping to find traces � � of cellulite on the backs of their thighs. � � 2. You make a list of all the foods you are allowed � � unlimited quantities of (radishes, celery, raw carrots, � � ice water, etc.) and discover that even though all your � � life you have enjoyed them you now despise them with a � � passion normally reserved for Rush Limbaugh and poodles. � � 1. You can no longer write top ten lists as your sense of � � humour and sense of reality are the first things you lose � � on your diet. � � � � From: SANDY ILLES � � � � Top Ten Random Thoughts I Just Had While Trying To Think Of A Top Ten � � List: � � � � 10. What if Jimmy Hoffa is hidden in the trunk of my car? � � 9. What if I was kidnapped by Ronald McDonald and forced to eat a � � million of those hamburger facsimiles? � � 8. Why do clowns have red hair? How do we know it's not the unwashed � � blood of children at the circus who became too annoying? � � 7. What if our feet could fit into our ears? � � 6. Who would untie me if I got stuck in the Lotus position while doing � � yoga at 3:00 a.m.? � � 5. Exactly how many pencils can fit up a 5-year old's nose? � � 4. When I die, I want to be cremated, then have my husband go to the � � nearest "No littering" sign and litter me. (Why do they call it � � "scattering" when it's really littering?) � � 3. What if my coffee cup is the Holy Grail? � � 2. Why doesn't Ford make a car called the Canta? It would be a � � Cantaford. � � 1. Why doesn't David Letterman hire the Top Ten conference members? � � � � From: KENNETH NEWMAN � � � � TOP TEN PICKUP LINES THAT NEVER WORKED FOR ME � � � � 10. Wait right here, I'll bring the etchings down. � � 9. Wanna come over and see my XT? � � 8. I have a tatoo of Rush Limbaugh on my butt. Wanna see � � it? � � 7. RU A GURL??!!?? L8ER DUDETTE!!? � � 6. Do you like 20th century classical music? � � 5. You'll just have to learn to contain yourself till we � � get to your place. � � 4. Geez, you smell nice.......considering. � � 3. Hey, you've got an eyelash caught in your eye. Luckily � � I happen to have a pair of tweezers. Got a match so I can � � sterilize them? � � 2. Say, didn't I see you on the new Baywatch? � � 1. Help! I'm dazzled into blindness by your stunning � � beauty. Quick, lend me your shirt! � � � � From: SANDY ILLES � � � � Top Ten Pickup Lines That Never Worked On Me: � � � � 10. Do you come here often? (Especially ineffective when used in a � � supermarket) � � 9. You look very familiar. (To which I reply, "Aha! I see you've met � � my father.") � � 8. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? (Another � � line rendered useless in a supermarket) � � 7. Want a light? (The correct reply is, � � "Why don't you set my hair on fire instead?") � � 6. Wanna dance? (To which � � I say, "Go ahead.") � � 5. Can I buy you a drink? (To which I answer, "Do you steal the drinks � � for other girls?") � � 4. You're cute. (To which I reply, "Too bad you're not.") � � 3. Want to go get some air? (To which I respond, "There's enough air in � � here for the 700 other people.") � � 2. What's your phone number? (My answer is normally the local � � Dial-A-Prayer because he hasn't got a chance in Hell) � � 1. You have beautiful eyes. (To which I respond, "Too bad I can see you � � with them.") � � � � From: KENNETH NEWMAN � � � � TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD ALL DIG DOWN DEEP INTO � � YOUR POCKETS AND SEND OUR MODERATOR SOME UNMARKED BILLS � � � � 10. Chickens ain't cheap. � � 9. He promised he'd give me 15 percent. � � 8. It's money we guarantee Revenue Canada will never even � � hear about, let alone get its mitts on. You can feel good � � about that. � � 7. No G.S.T. � � 6. Contributions are tax deductible if you're dumb enough � � to think you can get away with it. � � 5. If you don't, the big guy upstairs might call him home � � 4. We promise not to spend any of it on T-Bird and smokes � � and will only use it to purchase nourishing wholesome � � meals based on fresh vegetables and whole grains. Really. � � 3. Marked bills could be easily traced. � � 2. Make a contribution of $25 dollars or more and we'll � � send you one of Sandy Illes's crusty old coffee mugs and � � sell your name and address to a mailing list dealer � � who'll have your maibox flooded with hideous junk mail. � � Make it for $50 and we'll sell them your home phone � � number and send you a cassette of Sandy Illes singing � � highlights from Mozart's The Magic Flute while gargling � � with tequila. � � * 1. Richard Simmons Sweating To The Oldies While He Roasts � � on an Open Spit. � � � � Cheers, � � * Due to an error at the central processing facility node, we � � temporarily lost one of the items on this list. Unfortunately it � � was the item that was by far the funniest. It was funny but in a � � way that gave you a warm, empowering, I-feel-good-about-life kind � � of tingly sensation on the back of your neck and didn't make fun � � at anybody else' expense. At the same time, however, it was � � neither maudlin, hokey, nor cloyingly "cute" the way some � � "feel-good" humour has a tendency to be. We hope you will accept � � this replacement item, culled from another list, with our � � apologies. Later on, we will attempt to restore the lost item � � but, timing being everything, it will probably no longer be quite � � so funny. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � An Englishman, an American Indian, a Texan, and a Mexican were in � � a plane when the engines failed. Unfortunately, there was only � � one parachute. � � � � The British guy, to absolve himself of the decision, jumped with � � out the chute screaming, "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" � � � � The native Indian jumped screaming, "GERONIMO!" � � � � The Texan tossed the Mexican out screaming, "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" � �------------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A woman stockbroker had made millions of dollars for an Arabian oil � � sheik. He was so pleased he offered her rubies, gold and a � � silver-plated Rolls-Royce. � � � � She declined the gifts, telling him she had merely done � � her job, but the sheik insisted. � � � � "Well," the woman said, "I've recently taken up golf. A set of golf � � clubs would be a fine gift." � � � � A few weeks later the stockbroker received a letter from him. "So � � far I have bought you three golf clubs," it said, "but I hope you � � will not be disappointed. Only two of them have swimming pools." � �------------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � This boy came into the grocery store to buy some Wisk. The grocer � � reminded him that his mother didn't use Wisk but used Tide. They � � had an argument over it. � � � � Finally, the boy came out with it. He was getting the Wisk so he � � could wash his canary. The grocer warned him the Wisk would kill the � � canary, but sold it to him anyway. � � � � A few days later, the boy was back in the store, and the grocer asked � � him about the canary. � � � � "The canary is dead, if you must know." � � � � The grocer said, "I told you that you'd kill the canary washing it in � � Wisk." � � � � "It wasn't the Wisk," the boy said. "It was the wringer." � �------------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � The Missionary arrived in Africa with the sole purpose of � � teaching English to the natives. His first task was to train his � � native helper, so he took him for a walk in the jungle, attempting to � � teach him the English terms for native birds and animals. � � � � He pointed to a bird perched in a tree and said, "Bird." � � � � His native helper replied, "Bird." � � � � He pointed to apes in a clearing and said, "Apes." � � � � Back came the reply, "Apes, apes." � � � � When they came upon a male and female native rolling about in the � � grass he was embarrassed and, not knowing quite what to say, he � � pointed to the couple and said, "Man riding bicycle." � � � � Suddenly, two darts hissed past his ear and he turned to see his � � native helper putting away his blow-pipe. � � � � "Why did you do that?!" � � � � "That man riding MY bicycle." � �------------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the mouth � � of the river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of the � � delay. "Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's � � too thick." � � � � "But I can see the stars overhead," the woman protested. � � � � "Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode, we're not � � going that way." � � � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸