кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 4   November, 1993     л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                     л     Г
ГАААААл  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      лАААААГ
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  Manners                                                     л     Г
Г     л  The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews                          л     Г
Г     л  Dear Blabby                                                 л     Г
Г     л  Flame Of The Month                                          л     Г
Г     л  Top Ten Lists                                               л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л  New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC!          л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the fourth issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing          Г
Г    Digest! This electronic publication is proof that some                Г
Г    people have way too much time on their hands. :)                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii  Г    Г
Г     Г [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Vancouver, B.C. - The Humane Society seized a pig                  Г
Г       from a stripper, dubbed Nadia the Beastmaster, who                 Г
Г       had been using it in her act. ROTFL Digest wonders                 Г
Г       exactly *how she was using it in her act!                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Crystal Falls, Michigan - A 1500-year old mushroom                 Г
Г       that weighs 100 tons and spans 37 acres has been                   Г
Г       found growing in Michigan. No indication was given                 Г
Г       if someone had been found to eat it. (Mushroom soup,               Г
Г       anyone? Anyone? ANYONE???)                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       New York , N.Y. - Someone stole a box from a parked                Г
Г       car, unaware that it contained human heads. The                    Г
Г       heads were used for research at a New York medical                 Г
Г       school. ROTFL Digest imagines the robbers were                     Г
Г       trying to get a-HEAD in the world of thievery. <groan!>            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       MANNERS                                                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       At The Movies:                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       An evening at the movies is a very social occasion, yet most       Г
Г       people do not interact. You can do something about this by         Г
Г       following a few rules.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       If you aren't over 6 feet tall, it is wise to wear a very          Г
Г       tall hat or hairdo. This compells the people sitting behind        Г
Г       you to instigate a conversation.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Whisper a lot. If you don't have a friend with you, simply         Г
Г       whisper to an imaginary friend. Tell them how much your gas        Г
Г       bill was last month, what color you wish your hair really          Г
Г       was, how the movie ends, anything you like. It's important         Г
Г       that you talk a lot, as it encourages others to join in.           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kick the seat in front of you. This will focus attention on        Г
Г       you and create an opportunity for the person sitting in that       Г
Г       seat to turn around and talk.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Burp a lot. This will take attention from the movie and put        Г
Г       it where it belongs - on you.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Chew gum and blow bubbles. Lots of people will ask, "Where         Г
Г       the he@@ did you get that gum???"                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Cough. Although it sounds simple enough, coughing is an art.       Г
Г       Taking coughing lessons will provide you with the necessary        Г
Г       skills to impress the other movie-goers.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Presuming you have followed all steps correctly, you will          Г
Г       have conversed with at least a dozen people before the movie       Г
Г       is over. Of course, there's a very high chance that they will      Г
Г       gang up and attack you in a dark alley after the show, but         Г
Г       you can be secure in the knowledge that you have done your         Г
Г       small part to make the world a friendlier place.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In A Restaurant:                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       While it is considered extremely rude to push aside the            Г
Г       people who have made reservations, it is the easiest way to        Г
Г       be seated quickly. Those people probably aren't as hungry as       Г
Г       you are, anyway.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       To impress your date, you should order in French. If the           Г
Г       waiter is named Jacques and seems to understand French, it is      Г
Г       wise to switch to an obscure Tibetan dialect.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The waiter will bring you water. You are expected to drink         Г
Г       this water, although no one else ever does. Recommendation:        Г
Г       Gargle with it.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Always remember your mother's advice to "chew your food forty      Г
Г       times." Then, just for the heck of it, stick out your tongue       Г
Г       and ask the waiter, "What does this remind you of?"                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It is rude to talk to people with pieces of food stuck in          Г
Г       between your teeth. Always remember to remove the food chunks      Г
Г       and offer them to the other diners.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       If the maitre'd is one of those snooty types, it's always fun      Г
Г       to insist that he give you a foot massage. If he doesn't,          Г
Г       burp the "Star-Spangled Banner" while standing on your head.       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Food can be fun. While spaghetti is traditionally eaten with       Г
Г       a fork, it can easily be sucked up through your nose.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Waiters appreciate it when you joke around with them. Scream       Г
Г       that your escargots are still alive and slithering into your       Г
Г       date's blouse. The waiter will enjoy it so much, he probably       Г
Г       won't even notice when you don't leave him a tip.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Another method of bonding with the waiter involves pretending      Г
Г       to choke on a cockroach. Waiters never get along with cooks,       Г
Г       and this will indicate that you have tremendous understanding      Г
Г       and empathy for him.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Forks and knives can be an impediment if you're very, very         Г
Г       hungry. The best solution in this situation is to throw away       Г
Г       your cutlery and eat voraciously, not stopping until your          Г
Г       fingers are accidentally chewed to bloody stumps.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A good meal is never complete without a cup of coffee. Stick       Г
Г       your fingers into the coffee to stop the bleeding.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Once the meal is finished, you will be offered a doggy bag to      Г
Г       take home. Why go to the bother? It's much more practical to       Г
Г       bring your dog into the restaurant and let him lick your           Г
Г       plate clean on the spot.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What To Do If You Spot Elvis:                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It is always best to be discreet, yet friendly, when dealing       Г
Г       with the undead. Offer him a manicure, since his nails will        Г
Г       certainly be ragged from scraping at the inside of his             Г
Г       coffin.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Try to instill a bond of familiarity with him by saying, "I        Г
Г       don't know if you remember me, but I sat between you and           Г
Г       Bigfoot on the UFO last week."                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Tell him that his new diet - Thinness Through Death - has          Г
Г       done absolute wonders. Elvis will certainly be glad to hear        Г
Г       that.                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Offer to call up the doctor who did the autopsy and arrange        Г
Г       to get Elvis's brain put back into his head.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Do not - repeat, do not! - dangle a peanut butter and banana       Г
Г       sandwich in front of him! All those years of being buried          Г
Г       will have made him extremely hungry, and he will probably          Г
Г       kill you.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       On A Bus:                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Although there is always a sign saying, "Correct Change            Г
Г       Only," bus drivers secretly enjoy refusing to make change for      Г
Г       passengers. Insist that the driver change a fifty dollar bill      Г
Г       and you'll be his friend for life.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The bus may be crowded but you shouldn't have to stand up.         Г
Г       Simply throw yourself into the lap of the meekest looking          Г
Г       person with a seat.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riding a bus can be a socially invigorating experience. Start      Г
Г       up a conversation with the person sitting next to you. If          Г
Г       they seem too agreeable, loudly point out that their breath        Г
Г       stinks. This is certain to engender some lively conversation.      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A gang of teenagers will invariably get on the bus, carrying       Г
Г       a loud radio. Since the noise is bound to interfere with your      Г
Г       conversation, you should scream at them to turn it off. They       Г
Г       will probably knife you, necessitating an emergency trip to        Г
Г       the hospital to have your leg reattached. While you're             Г
Г       recovering, you will have the wonderful memories of your bus       Г
Г       trip to help speed your recovery.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews                                 Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Scene: Riverdale High, where Archie is quietly                     Г
Г       leaving the school after having served detention.                  Г
Г       Suddenly, a Borg ship appears in the sky.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borg: We must assimilate these earthlings. We must                 Г
Г       begin with this red-haired one right now.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie is transported to the Borg ship. He looks at                Г
Г       the strange spaceship.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Whoa! Wait till the gang hear about this!                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borg: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: I have a date with Ronnie tonight so you'd                 Г
Г       better get this assimilation over with quickly.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borg (to each other): What is "Ronnie"?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Veronica Lodge. She gets totally out of                    Г
Г       joint if I'm even one minute late.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Just then, an emergency warning beeps throughout the               Г
Г       Borg ship.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borg (to each other): A Federation ship approaches!                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Federation... assimilation... this stuff is                Г
Г       going to make me late!                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Borg begin attacking the Federation ship, which                Г
Г       conveniently enough for this story, happens to be                  Г
Г       the Enterprise. Naturally, Captain Picard creates a                Г
Г       new maneuver to prevent being destroyed, while Riker               Г
Г       attempts to have sex with a Borg female.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       As the battle ends, Archie is beamed over to the                   Г
Г       Enterprise.                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Oh no! I suppose you want to assimilate me                 Г
Г       too???                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation                     Г
Г       starship USS Enterprise. We just saved your life.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Oh great. So Ronnie can kill me later...                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Where are you from?                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Riverdale.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: And what planet is that on?                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Earth!                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Oh no! The Borg transported you through a                  Г
Г       time warp! You're in a different century.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: Well, this has been fun, but I really have                 Г
Г       to go now.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: There's nowhere for you to go, I'm afraid.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie moans softly.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker enters the room with a Borg babe on his arm.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Perhaps we can fly into the Sun to set the                  Г
Г       chronometer backwards?                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Naw. Captain Kirk already did that.                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: If it worked before, it should work now.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Isn't there something more original we can                 Г
Г       do? We already ripoff the old Star Trek plots too                  Г
Г       much as it is.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Geordi: Perhaps if I doubled the interlink of the                  Г
Г       anti-matter transistor thingamajigs and got a 16.8                 Г
Г       connect on the subspace skylink while using a DOS                  Г
Г       interface (preferably without Windows) and then                    Г
Г       uploaded the past into the present.... of course, it               Г
Г       would kill him, but otherwise, I think it could                    Г
Г       work.                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: We'd prefer to send him back alive.                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Geordi: Darn! Okay, how about this: I implode his                  Г
Г       subatomic particles in the transporter, put them                   Г
Г       into a bottle, drop it into space, and someone in                  Г
Г       another time opens the bottle to free him?                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Too risky. How do we know he'll end up in his               Г
Г       own time?                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Geordi: We don't. But he won't be our problem                      Г
Г       anymore.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: I have a suggestion, Sir. Perhaps if Geordi                  Г
Г       can hook this earthling teenager into my high speed                Г
Г       duotronic full duplex bidirectional brain, I can put               Г
Г       on a pair of red shoes, click them together three                  Г
Г       times, and wish for him to be in Kansas. I saw that                Г
Г       in a movie once, Sir.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard (to Archie): Is Kansas near Riverdale?                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie: No.                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Sorry Data, but we have to bring him back to               Г
Г       exactly where he belongs. Can't take any chances on                Г
Г       changing the past.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi enters the transporter room.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi: I sensed the need for my presence.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Archie (eyes popping out): Va-va-voom!                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: We need to get this boy back to his own time               Г
Г       so the future of the world won't be changed.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi: That is a perplexing problem, Sir. I suggest                 Г
Г       we call the Traveller.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Brilliant idea! Where's Wesley?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi: He left the show a while ago.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Well, get him back NOW!                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The officers scramble amid cries of "Yes, SIR!"                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A few hours later, Wesley is onboard the Enterprise.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wesley: What can I do for you, Sir?                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Get the Traveller. We need his help to send                Г
Г       this boy back to his own time.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wesley: Why didn't you just call him yourself? His                 Г
Г       phone number is in my mom's rolodex.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Don't annoy me with practical suggestions!                 Г
Г       This is STAR TREK for God's sake! We can't solve                   Г
Г       problems as easily as that!                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wesley: Sorry, Sir. Why didn't you fly backwards                   Г
Г       into the Sun and reset the chronometer?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Because IT'S BEEN DONE!!!                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wesley (quivering): Sorry, Sir!                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wesley goes to the telephone and calls the                         Г
Г       Traveller, who gladly sends Archie Andrews back to                 Г
Г       his own time.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The moral of the story is: He who assimilates last,                Г
Г       assimilates best.                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Dear Blabby,                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why can't I win the lottery?                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       >You have to buy a ticket!                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Dear Blabby,                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I recently pulled out all of my hair in frustration.               Г
Г       What should I do now?                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       >Start pulling out your leg hair.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Flame Of The Month:                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I considered replying to your inarticulate,                        Г
Г       injudicious, and unintelligible message, but                       Г
Г       reconsidered after considering the possibility that                Г
Г       others might accidentally believe that I know you.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Please desist from this sick compulsion to                         Г
Г       intellectually barf all over the net.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Top Ten Lists!                                                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Lines Guaranteed To Heat Up Your Modem:                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Of course, I don't expect YOU to understand since it takes someone   Г
Г     with at least the intelligence of a retarded chimpanzee.             Г
Г 9.  Sorry to hear of your recent brain death.                            Г
Г 8.  Don't be such an idiot! Oops... forgot who I was talking to...       Г
Г 7.  I'm sure you're not a complete idiot - parts must be missing.        Г
Г 6.  It's hard to believe some biology lab hasn't dissected you yet.      Г
Г 5.  0-60 in one second mouth, 0-0 in one second brain.                   Г
Г 4.  Surely no one actually believes such a stupid thing?                 Г
Г 3.  You could raise your IQ by becoming a moron.                         Г
Г 2.  Why don't you go get some spelling lessons? (Many variations but all Г
Г     of them are successful in offending the e-mail recipient)            Г
Г 1.  Didn't you play the personality of Booger in "Revenge Of The Nerds"? Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г * All of the above lines are flame-bait. Author is not responsible for   Г
Г combustibles generated by use of these flames. Furthermore, it is        Г
Г advised that asbestos gloves be worn when at the keyboard using these    Г
Г flames. Failure to do so may result in electrocution or, at the very     Г
Г least, CPU meltdown.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Things I'd Rather Do Instead Of Watching Anything With Madonna   Г
Г In It (This Includes Videos, Books, Magazines, Movies, And Super-8       Г
Г Swedish Erotica Home Movies Made By The 3 Billion Men And Women She Has  Г
Г Already Served):                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Poke my eyes out with hot needles.                                   Г
Г 9.  Have a 2-for-1 prefrontal lobotomy at McSurgeon's drive-thru.        Г
Г 8.  Eat a McDonald's hamburger.                                          Г
Г 7.  Bathe in SPAM that has been liquified through age.                   Г
Г 6.  Eat tequila worms.                                                   Г
Г 5.  Go to Paris and be insulted by the rude French waiters.              Г
Г 4.  Eat Haggis while drinking Ovaltine through a straw inserted into my  Г
Г     nose.                                                                Г
Г 3.  Spend a week in the Andes with the original survivors of the story   Г
Г     "Alive."                                                             Г
Г 2.  Look at some geek's x-rated GIF collection - which probably includes Г
Г     Madonna so cross number 2 off this list.                             Г
Г 1.  Spend a week trying to get Kim Campbell to take a stand on           Г
Г     something... anything...                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Things Most Likely To Be Found In Water:                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Urine from that little kid who just couldn't hold onto his bladder.  Г
Г 9.  Vomit from that little kid who insisted on eating a couple of hot    Г
Г     dogs before swimming.                                                Г
Г 8.  Avon-scented sweat from really fat women.                            Г
Г 7.  Fish feces.                                                          Г
Г 6.  Fish urine.                                                          Г
Г 5.  Eye snot from early morning swimmers.                                Г
Г 4.  Nose snot from little kids who never remember to blow their noses    Г
Г     before going swimming.                                               Г
Г 3.  Multitudes of bacteria.                                              Г
Г 2.  Toejam.                                                              Г
Г 1.  Raw sewage.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Sandy As Ruler Of The World:                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Mondays will be abolished.                                           Г
Г 9.  Days will not start until the crack of noon.                         Г
Г 8.  Free gifts for everyone!                                             Г
Г 7.  Axl Rose will be nominated as my foreign affairs minister, so things Г
Г     promise to get *real* exciting.                                      Г
Г 6.  Unlike Kim Campbell, I am able to actually say something when I      Г
Г     speak.                                                               Г
Г 5.  Unlike Brian Mulroney, I'm not a psychopathic liar.                  Г
Г 4.  Unlike Jean Chretien, I don't have a "cute" accent. ("Dis is da time Г
Г     for change, mes amis!")                                              Г
Г 3.  I promise to drink lots of coffee while typing at my keyboard.       Г
Г 2.  I promise to remain totally uninterested in war, free trade, and     Г
Г     all-expenses-paid fact-finding trips to Hawaii in January.           Г
Г 1.  I promise to have the Surgeon General locked in a room with fifty    Г
Г     chainsmokers. ("Smoking is bad for you... eating is bad for you...   Г
Г     breathing is bad for you... whine, whine, whine... )                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Jokes That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Lately:                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. You know you're a redneck if your father is also your uncle.         Г
Г 9.  You know you're a redneck if you think a family reunion is a good    Г
Г     place to meet women.                                                 Г
Г 8.  You know you're a redneck if you mow your front yard and find a      Г
Г     pickup truck.                                                        Г
Г 7.  You know you're a redneck if your father walks you to school and     Г
Г     you're in the same grade.                                            Г
Г 6.  What does a 14-year old South Carolina girl say after sex? "Get offa Г
Г     me, Pa! Yer crushin' my cigarettes!"                                 Г
Г 5.  What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's         Г
Г     Witness? Someone who bangs on your door Sunday morning at 8:00 am    Г
Г     and tells you to go to Hell.                                         Г
Г 4.  Two Hell's Angels met on the street. "I heard you got married," said Г
Г     the first. "How's the sex?" "Not that great," replied his friend,    Г
Г     "but at least you don't gotta wait on line."                         Г
Г 3.  You know you're a redneck when your grandmother says, "Hey, come and Г
Г     look at this before I flush it!"                                     Г
Г 2.  Did you hear about the new Italian sports car called the Mafia? It's Г
Г     got a hood under the hood and a real nice body - in the trunk.       Г
Г 1.  What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother? Г
Г     An Italian mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll kill Г
Г     you!" A Jewish mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll  Г
Г     kill myself!"                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A woman went to the pet shop and looked at a parrot. She                 Г
Г asked the shop owner, "Is he smart?"                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Is he smart, lady?  Does a bear sh*t in the woods?                      Г
Г This bird is so smart he speaks six languages!"                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г So she bought him and brought him home.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г She had to go out, but her husband came home.  Seeing that she           Г
Г had spent all of the grocery money on this parrot, and there was         Г
Г no food in the house, the husband - who was starving -                   Г
Г strangled the bird, plucked it, cleaned it, and cooked it.               Г
Г When his wife came home, dinner was served.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г She screamed, "How could you do this?"                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г To which he replied, "Hey, we gotta eat!"                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г She said, "This bird was brilliant!  He spoke six languages!"            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г To which he said, "Oh yeah? If he was so fu*king smart, why              Г
Г didn't he say something?"                                                Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q.  How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?           Г
Г A. Thirty: one to do it, and 29 to stuff it down everyone's throat.      Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                          THE NEW PRIEST                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could                  Г
Г  hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the                      Г
Г  Monsignor how he'd done. The Monsignor said fine, but                   Г
Г  next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka                    Г
Г  in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the                    Г
Г  priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked                    Г
Г  up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how                   Г
Г  he'd done. The Monsignor says fine but there are                        Г
Г  a few things we need to get straightened out:                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  1) There are 10 commandments not 12                                     Г
Г  2) There are 12 disciples not 10                                        Г
Г  3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him              Г
Г  4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.                     Г
Г  5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St.                  Г
Г     Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's                   Г
Г  6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as            Г
Г     Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook                                     Г
Г  7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross          Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror,  Г
Г with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped  Г
Г behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man:  Г
Г "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!"              Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees    Г
Г a building on fire.  A lady is standing on a third-storey ledge holding  Г
Г her pet cat in her arms.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    "Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."                         Г
Г    "No," she cries, "It's too far."                                      Г
Г    "I play football, I can catch him."                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The smoke is pouring from the windows, so finally the woman waves to     Г
Г Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street.        Г
Г Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.     Г
Г The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street          Г
Г to catch it.  He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular     Г
Г one-handed catch.  The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire         Г
Г breaks into cheers.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his     Г
Г knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.             Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting.  A mountain lion       Г
Г jumped out in front of them and started snarling.                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The doctor asked, "What should we do?"                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!"                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to            Г
Г outrun YOU!"                                                             Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man had a weird illness.  Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound    Г
Г "Honda."  He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of   Г
Г tests and literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just     Г
Г before he was about to give up, he had an idea. "I'll call the Honda     Г
Г Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!"  Well, he called the       Г
Г Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an         Г
Г abscess in his teeth somewhere.  Sure enough, there was, and when it     Г
Г was treated, the other affliction ended.  When the doctor asked his      Г
Г Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over       Г
Г the phone from such a long distance away the man replied:                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda."                                 Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q:  Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer?                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A:  She fell into the sink.                                              Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse             Г
Г fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he               Г
Г warned her not to climb any stairs.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  "Yes," he replied.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  "Thank goodness!" she said.  "I'm sick and tired of shinnying           Г
Г  up and down that drainpipe!"                                            Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?                      Г
Г Hold her up to the light.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г [Take a comb and hold it upside-down] What's this?                       Г
Г A hundred Ethiopians carrying a canoe.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?                             Г
Г I don't know they keep falling down the drain.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen?                         Г
Г All of 'em!                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves?                                 Г
Г They stand sideways.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What's the world's fastest animal?                                       Г
Г -The Ethiopian Chicken.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What's the world's second fastest animal?                                Г
Г -The Ethiopian running after it.                                         Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What's a brunette's idea of the ideal weight of a blonde?             Г
Г A: Two kilos, including the URN.                                         Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: How do you get 50 Jewish people in a car?                             Г
Г A: Throw a dime inside.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car?                                   Г
Г A: Throw a Jewish person inside.                                         Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I just got a new hearing aid.  It's the best one I've ever had."        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What kind is it?"                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Oh, about 9:30......."                                                  Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г     The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided              Г
Г     to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have          Г
Г     any overnight cases?"                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г     "Yes'm," he said.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г     "You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week."     Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press.          Г
Г The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.         Г
Г One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?"       Г
Г "Nothing at all," replied the coach.  "That's just the way the           Г
Г rookie mumbles."                                                         Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you call a dog with no legs?                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГDoesn't matter, it won't come anyway.                                     Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГWhat do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs?                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГTake it for a drag.                                                       Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г There was this guy who went to Spain.  One day, he goes over to          Г
Г the bullfights and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that Г
Г afternoon of excitement he got hungry and went over to a cafe right next Г
Г to the arena.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г There he looks at the menu, and orders the special, "Meatballs."         Г
Г The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs, and the guy eagerly eats it. Г
Г The bullfight was so interesting, he came back the next day, and went    Г
Г over to the cafe again to have the delicious meatballs. This continued   Г
Г on for 5 or so days, until the guy goes to the cafe, and the waiter      Г
Г comes out with 2 dinky little balls.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   "What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the     Г
Г   man.                                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   "Well, Senor," said the waiter, "sometimes dee bull weens."            Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You Know You're A Redneck If:                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.                    Г
Г You own a homemade fur coat.                                             Г
Г You burn your front yard instead of mow it.                              Г
Г Your wife has ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take       Г
Г a bath."                                                                 Г
Г You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.                                Г
Г Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.                     Г
Г Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."                             Г
Г You've ever given rat traps as a gift.                                   Г
Г You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in                  Г
Г your hand.                                                               Г
Г Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.                    Г
Г Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.                            Г
Г You've never paid for a haircut.                                         Г
Г The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.                       Г
Г Your car has never had a full tank of gas.                               Г
Г You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.                               Г
Г You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.                             Г
Г Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell."                           Г
Г You've ever bought a used cap.                                           Г
Г Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."                 Г
Г You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.                          Г
Г Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.                          Г
Г Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.                                  Г
Г You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly               Г
Г swatter.                                                                 Г
Г You've ever stolen toilet paper.                                         Г
Г Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.                     Г
Г Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A."               Г
Г Your wife ever burned out an electric razor.                             Г
Г You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.                  Г
Г Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt.                       Г
Г Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine."                      Г
Г You prefer car keys to Q-tips.                                           Г
Г You list your parole officer as a reference.                             Г
Г Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC!                 Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-TOILET v1.0                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       This new product for IBM and compatible computers replaces         Г
Г       those silly trashcans. Yes, instead of dumping your old            Г
Г       files into a trashcan, you can flush them down the toilet!         Г
Г       Comes with PCTOILETPAPER to clean up those messy files that        Г
Г       are hard to flush.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-PAINTER v1.0                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Not a graphics drawing program, PCPAINTER will actually            Г
Г       paint your house for you! No more having to lose valuable          Г
Г       computer time because your wife wants to repaint the               Г
Г       kitchen! Once installed onto a 1 gig drive, PCPAINTER will         Г
Г       be capable of painting your house in a VGA 256-color               Г
Г       palette.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-PEPSI v1.0                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Instead of buying a can of Pepsi and risking infectious            Г
Г       diseases through the needles randomly inserted in cans, you        Г
Г       can use PCPEPSI to simulate the look, taste, and smell of          Г
Г       real Pepsi! It bubbles, it fizzes, it's better than the real       Г
Г       thing because you can't catch any diseases from it! Just be        Г
Г       careful not to spill it on your keyboard!                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-NICOTINE v1.0                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why spend thousands of dollars a year on cigarettes when           Г
Г       PC-NICOTINE will provide all the carcinogens you need for the      Г
Г       low, low price of $39.95??? (SmellBlaster (tm) card required)      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-SYSOP v1.0                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The ultimate program for BBS Sysops! Why waste time replying       Г
Г       to messages that say "Yuor bord sukz and I nede more filz          Г
Г       rite now or I'l hak you, sukker!" when PC-SYSOP can send 50        Г
Г       million volts of electricity through the modem and straight        Г
Г       up their patooties? Avoid aggravation with PC-SYSOP!               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-JOKES v1.0                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The ultimate joke generator that creates original                  Г
Г       jokes from its database of commonly used DOS words.                Г
Г       Examples: Why did the Alzheimer's victim fail the                  Г
Г       science quiz? C:\DOS\Out of memory. How many crooks                Г
Г       does it take to steal a lightbulb? C:\DOS\Illegal                  Г
Г       function call. This program has a million of 'em!                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-RUDEMAIL v1.0                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why be insulted via echomail by rude people that are               Г
Г       thousands of miles away, when PC-RUDEMAIL will provide the         Г
Г       same features without a time lag? No more waiting 3-4 days         Г
Г       to have someone in Australia tell you that you're an idiot -       Г
Г       your computer can cut out the middleman and tell you that          Г
Г       you're an idiot right away!                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-GHOST v1.0                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Have you ever wondered if your computer was haunted? Now it        Г
Г       can be, with PC-GHOST! Guaranteed to send at least one angry       Г
Г       spirit screaming after your hardware. Takes the guesswork          Г
Г       out of figuring out what those strange sounds mean that            Г
Г       drive a:\ is making... they're the hollerings of the undead!       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-TABLOID v1.0                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why wait for next week's issue of the Weekly World News when       Г
Г       PC-TABLOID can give you the headlines in advance? Elvis Is         Г
Г       Secretly Engaged To The Face On Mars! Elvis Is Hillary's           Г
Г       Secret Lover! Plus Lots More! PC-TABLOID is guaranteed to          Г
Г       check its facts just as closely as the Weekly World News.          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-LAMER v1.0                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Don't be insulted by elite warez d00dz - let PC-LAMER do it        Г
Г       for you! Every time you boot your system, it will remind you       Г
Г       that you're a pathetic lamer and will make rude sounds using       Г
Г       your LamerBlaster (tm) card to ensure you don't ignore it.         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-PIR8 v1.0                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Don't let the elite warez d00dz be one up on you - let             Г
Г       PC-PIR8 translate all your echomail messages! If you write         Г
Г       "Where can I get an illegal copy of Wordperfect 6.0,"              Г
Г       PC-PIR8 will translate it to "Hey man, eye nede a cracked          Г
Г       copy of WP6 for my warez colection." Spelling options              Г
Г       include Bad, Very Bad, and Moronic.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-GEEK v1.0                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why spend your Friday nights memorizing a dictionary? Let          Г
Г       PC-GEEK do it for you! Yes, now you can finally have the           Г
Г       time to change that bandage on your glasses so you can view        Г
Г       your x-rated GIF collection a little more clearly! Includes        Г
Г       bonus gifts: a pocket protector and a nasal decongestant           Г
Г       spray.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       PC-TEENGIRL v1.0                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A Sysop utility that eliminates the need for begging females       Г
Г       to call your board. PC-TEENGIRL creates random messages at         Г
Г       Sysop configurable frequencies (try putting it in your             Г
Г       board.bat if you want to see the teenaged boys slobber!).          Г
Г       PC-TEENGIRL messages are designed specifically for PC-GEEK         Г
Г       kinds of guys. Options include: flirtatious, sexy,                 Г
Г       and "babelicious."                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
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