кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 5   December, 1993     л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                     л     Г
ГАААААл  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      лАААААГ
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial (Contest Announcement!)                           л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  Products On Sale At Your Local Nerd World (tm) Franchise    л     Г
Г     л  My Hotdog Has A First Name                                  л     Г
Г     л  New Product Announcement (Sintendo (tm) Lameboy)            л     Г
Г     л  How To Drive In Canada                                      л     Г
Г     л  Credit Approval Request Denied                              л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л  Computer Virus-Of-The-Month Club                            л     Г
Г     л  More Jokes!                                                 л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the fifth issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing           Г
Г    Digest! It's contest time! Create a spoof of the fairy tale           Г
Г    "Cinderella" and send it to us at Fidonet 1:259/314. Winners will     Г
Г    receive a prize consisting of humorous decorated stationery,          Г
Г    suitable for writing really important letters or wrapping fish.       Г
Г    Winning entries will be published in a future issue of ROTFL          Г
Г    Digest. Contest ends December 15, 1993.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii  Г    Г
Г     Г [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Danbury, Conn. - A 16-year old boy grabbed a shotgun               Г
Г       and blasted a bar disc jockey because he didn't like               Г
Г       one of the DJ's song dedications. Tyvonne Watts shot               Г
Г       23-year old Michael Johnson in the neck in front of                Г
Г       dozens of witnesses. Watts fled the bar but                        Г
Г       surrendered himself five hours later. Watts is                     Г
Г       charged with murder. If only stupidity was a                       Г
Г       crime...                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hollywood News - Ex-heavyweight champion Mike Tyson,               Г
Г       in prison for rape, is receiving hundreds of letters               Г
Г       every day from female admirers. Many of them include               Г
Г       nude pictures. How is the guy supposed to learn a                  Г
Г       lesson from all this, hmmmmmm?                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       New York, N.Y. - Animal rights activists are up in                 Г
Г       arms because poachers have been capturing pigeons                  Г
Г       and cooking them. "Even pigeons deserve a better                   Г
Г       fate than somebody's stewpot," said Parks                          Г
Г       Commissioner Henry Stern. ROTFL Digest thinks the                  Г
Г       stewpot is good enough for cows and pigs... why not                Г
Г       pigeons, hmmmmm?                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Trenton, N.J. - 36-year old John Gardella received                 Г
Г       two years probation for sending his ex-wife a bouquet              Г
Г       of flowers. Although Gardella maintained that the                  Г
Г       flowers were intended to apologize for past                        Г
Г       squabbles, a judge said Gardella violated a                        Г
Г       restraining order forbidding him to have any contact               Г
Г       with his former mate. ROTFL Digest wonders if                      Г
Г       Gardella would have gotten the death penalty for                   Г
Г       sending a box of candy with the flowers.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       York, England - 53-year old David Matterson spent 36               Г
Г       years trying to get his driver's license before                    Г
Г       passing the test, then got busted for driving while                Г
Г       intoxicated the first time he took his new sports                  Г
Г       car out for a spin around the block.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Tokyo, Japan - A new law prohibits people from                     Г
Г       buying a car unless they can prove they have a place               Г
Г       to park it. Japan is out of parking spaces and                     Г
Г       already has 160,000 more cars than it has parking                  Г
Г       spots. Violators face a $1,500.00 fine and three                   Г
Г       months in prison. Can folding cars be very far in                  Г
Г       the future???                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Products On Sale At Your Local Nerd World (tm) Franchise:                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г by Richard Platel                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Random Telemarketing Dialing service                                     Г
Г       Through this wonder of technology you can, from the privacy of     Г
Г       your home, randomly dial a telemarketing firm and attempt to       Г
Г       sell them Nerd World products.  4% commission for you.             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Disk compactor                                                           Г
Г       Tired of those 5 1/4?  Tape drive got you down?  Shove them all    Г
Г       in the Disk Compactor(tm)!  Melts, then casts, any computer media  Г
Г       into durable 3 1/2 diskettes. (Some data integrity may be lost     Г
Г       if used on CD Roms.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Bunny Slippers                                                           Г
Г       Made from 100% real living bunnies.  Durable, easy to feed,        Г
Г       great with kids, puts that bounce back into your step!             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Truly Universal Adapter                                                  Г
Г       (NEW!) Ever wondered what would happen if you could put            Г
Г       VHS tapes into your toaster?  Or bread into your VCR?  Now         Г
Г       you can, with the world's first completely universal adapter!      Г
Г       Millions of Uses!  Limited only by your imagination.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г People's Republic of China Complete and Unabridged Phone Book on         Г
Г       CD ROM!                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Holes!!!!                                                                Г
Г       You've seen them on TV for years!  Now YOU can enjoy the           Г
Г       many benefits of hole ownership!  Many sizes, not recomended       Г
Г       for small children.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Pocket Books.                                                            Г
Г       Looks like a book, actually a small storage space. Great for       Г
Г       concealing things such as portable video games from your boss      Г
Г       or teacher.                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 1994 Number-A-Day Calander                                               Г
Г       Every day a new number from 1 to 30, some months contain a special Г
Г       bonus number 31!  Makes a great gift!                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Rice Paper Shirts                                                        Г
Г       Never iron again!  Simply wear and eat at the end of the day.      Г
Г       Not recomended for rainy day usage.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Inflatable Bicycle Pump                                                  Г
Г       Compact, fits in any pocket, inflate at any local gas station!     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г THE Remote control                                                       Г
Г       All the functions of your VCR in everyday life!  Rewind, Fast      Г
Г       Foward and Pause anything!  Think of the possibilities!            Г
Г       Permit required for 23 states and 5 provinces.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г False Bookshelf                                                          Г
Г       Want to look well read but simply can't afford those expensive     Г
Г       classics?  Our artisans will create a realistic looking "front"    Г
Г       for your book shelf.  Choose the titles from our huge selection.   Г
Г       Also available: False CD's and Software!                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The Nerf(tm) Car                                                         Г
Г       Made of lightweight foam rubber.  Avoid accidents complely!        Г
Г       These little wonders have been driven into a brick wall at over    Г
Г       120 km/h and simply bounced off!  Great fuel economy!              Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       My Hotdog Has A First Name                                         Г
Г       --------------------------                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer                               Г
Г       commercial jingle)                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       My hotdog has a first name,                                        Г
Г       It's S-P-I-K-E.                                                    Г
Г       I killed him when he ran at me,                                    Г
Г       And bit me on the knee.                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       And now he's in my tummy,                                          Г
Г       He tasted very fine.                                               Г
Г       Too bad I'm getting rabies,                                        Г
Г       "Oooh mom, I think I'm dyin'!"                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г                     NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT!                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The International Network Of Crackpots is pleased to               Г
Г       announce the first public release of the Sintendo (tm)             Г
Г       Lameboy.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Here are just a few of its many features:                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       - Provides complete black and white graphics.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       - Costs less than a one gig drive, yet provides you                Г
Г       with at least six exciting full monochrome graphics                Г
Г       arcade games to play.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       - A heavily adevertised product that all your                      Г
Г       friends will buy, so you'll want to buy it too.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hundreds of dollars have been spent developing the                 Г
Г       Sintendo (tm) Lameboy and millions have been budgeted              Г
Г       for promotional purposes. This is an item that no                  Г
Г       lamer can be without!                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Don't understand computers? Don't even know how to                 Г
Г       turn one on? The Sintendo (tm) Lameboy                             Г
Г       was designed for idiots like you! Special two button               Г
Г       operation makes it simple to work - the Lameboy is                 Г
Г       either on or off. Even a 2-year old could work it!                 Г
Г       (We know this is true because it was developed by a                Г
Г       team of 2-year olds)                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why waste valuable time learning to use a keyboard                 Г
Г       when the Lameboy will play the game for you? More                  Г
Г       than that, you'll always win! None of our                          Г
Г       competitors offer such a great deal!                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Sintendo (tm) Lameboy is available at fine                     Г
Г       stores everywhere. Credit is available to qualified                Г
Г       homeowners willing to mortgage their houses to                     Г
Г       purchase a silly toy for their spoiled children.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г      кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП                                        Г
Г     кД  How To Drive In Canada: УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП            Г
Г     ГРФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй                           Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г The speed limit on major Canadian highways is 100     Г            Г
Г     Г kilometers an hour, which is equal to 55 grams or     Г            Г
Г     Г 793 liters. Wearing a seatbelt is compulsory,         Г            Г
Г     Г although the law does not specifically state that     Г            Г
Г     Г you cannot wear it around your ankles. The legal      Г            Г
Г     Г limit for intoxication is .08, which means that       Г            Г
Г     Г visitors may drink approximately 3 Canadian beers,    Г            Г
Г     Г 4 German beers, or 12 of those barely-containing-     Г            Г
Г     Г any-alcohol-at-all American beers.                    Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г Regional Driving Tips:                                Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г In Newfoundland, be prepared to hit your brakes       Г            Г
Г     Г often because the guy in front of you driving a       Г            Г
Г     Г wrecked '67 Chevy will invariably stop suddenly       Г            Г
Г     Г to let someone driving a wrecked '62 Chevy enter      Г            Г
Г     Г into traffic. He knows that if you hit him with your  Г            Г
Г     Г new Mercedes, you are at fault.                       Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г In Nova Scotia, elderly couples in Hondas pulling a   Г            Г
Г     Г camper no larger than the State of Georgia will go    Г            Г
Г     Г up a hill at 20 kilometers an hour. You can jog       Г            Г
Г     Г faster than this without getting out of breath. When  Г            Г
Г     Г you try to pass them going down the hill, they will   Г            Г
Г     Г gleefully increase speed to warp factor 9.            Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г In Prince Edward Island, be on guard against trucks.  Г            Г
Г     Г This is a potato growing province and most of the     Г            Г
Г     Г traffic consists of tractor trailers hauling          Г            Г
Г     Г potatoes driven by men who would rather see you in    Г            Г
Г     Г Hell than let your puny car be in front of them.      Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г New Brunswick consists of a lot of giant hills        Г            Г
Г     Г interspersed with broken pavement. The same elderly   Г            Г
Г     Г couple with the camper that you encountered in Nova   Г            Г
Г     Г Scotia will be here.                                  Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г Quebec is a province for the fearless driver. It is   Г            Г
Г     Г necessary to hold your gas pedal to the floor and     Г            Г
Г     Г close your eyes when merging into traffic. Yellow     Г            Г
Г     Г lights mean speed up and red lights mean "merde."     Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г Ontario drivers are afraid to speed but take it       Г            Г
Г     Г personally if you pass them. Most of them consider    Г            Г
Г     Г themselves to be "keepers of the speed limit" and     Г            Г
Г     Г will do anything short of throwing a kitten in front  Г            Г
Г     Г of your car to slow you down.                         Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г No one ever goes to Manitoba so you don't need any    Г            Г
Г     Г tips for driving in this province. If you find        Г            Г
Г     Г yourself in Manitoba, you're obviously lost and       Г            Г
Г     Г should consult your road map.                         Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г In Saskatchewan, the roads are flat and surrounded by Г            Г
Г     Г wheat fields on every side. You are getting sleepy,   Г            Г
Г     Г sleeepy, sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy....                        Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г Alberta is "good ol' boy" country and you are         Г            Г
Г     Г advised to watch out for pickup trucks with tires     Г            Г
Г     Г larger than the State of Florida.                     Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г In British Columbia, there isn't much snow. However,  Г            Г
Г     Г it typically snows at least once a year and no one    Г            Г
Г     Г who lives there knows how to drive in snow unless     Г            Г
Г     Г they recently moved from Quebec. This province has    Г            Г
Г     Г an abundance of hills and mountains, none of which    Г            Г
Г     Г can be driven upon without snow tires once a year.    Г            Г
Г     Г In general, you can expect to drive in rain for many  Г            Г
Г     Г consecutive days.                                     Г            Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй            Г
Г      кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП                                      Г
Г     кД The Canadian Point System: УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП            Г
Г     ГРФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй                         Г            Г
Г     Г                                                       Г            Г
Г     Г Pedestrians crossing in the middle of the street: 5   Г            Г
Г     Г Pedestrians using a crosswalk:                    10  Г            Г
Г     Г Joggers:                                          15  Г            Г
Г     Г Power walkers:                                    20  Г            Г
Г     Г Mothers pushing strollers:                        25  Г            Г
Г     Г Little old ladies:                                30  Г            Г
Г     Г Little old ladies with lots of packages:          35  Г            Г
Г     Г Little old ladies being helped by a Boy Scout:    40  Г            Г
Г     Г Traffic cops:                                     45  Г            Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г               CREDIT APPROVAL REQUEST DENIED                             Г
Г         ============================================                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Your account is in arrears. It has constantly been                 Г
Г       in arrears since we were stupid enough to supply you               Г
Г       with a line of credit two years ago. Two office                    Г
Г       managers have been fired because of you.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When you told us that you lost your job, it sounded                Г
Г       extremely plausible since we figured any company                   Г
Г       that hired someone like you would be obliged to fire               Г
Г       them within a few hours. When you told us your                     Г
Г       mother died - twice - we agreed to accept a late                   Г
Г       payment because it seemed immoral to impose on                     Г
Г       another human being's grief. When you advised us                   Г
Г       that your wife had twins - not remembering to                      Г
Г       mention that you meant her breasts - we agreed that                Г
Г       the financial hardship merited an extension of your                Г
Г       account.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       We allowed you to pay your Christmas bills in the                  Г
Г       following November because you told us your house                  Г
Г       had burned down - conveniently forgetting to note                  Г
Г       that it was an outhouse.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       You have misled us. You have lied to us. And now                   Г
Г       you dare to ask for more credit so you can use the                 Г
Г       new credit to pay off the old credit and therefore                 Г
Г       keep your credit rating clean. Do you give us no                   Г
Г       credit for having some brains???                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       We only wish the penalty for abuse of credit was                   Г
Г       death, or at least a burning at the stake, but alas,               Г
Г       all we can do is take back our credit card, shoot                  Г
Г       your dog, and hunt you down some lonely night.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                       The Manager                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Preacher:  If there is anyone in this congregation who likes gin,        Г
Г            let him get up.  Maryann, what do you like about gin?         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Maryann :  Oh, excuse me preacher, I thought you said sin!               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Did you hear about the new Jewish radial tires?                          Г
Г They not only stop on a dime, but they pick it up as well.               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Three men were asked what is 2 + 2.                                      Г
Г The engineer says it is exactly 4.0000000.                               Г
Г The economist says it is somewhere between 3 and 5, but                  Г
Г I'm not exactly sure.                                                    Г
Г The lawyer asks, "What do you want it to be?"                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a lightbulb?            Г
Г None. They'd rather stay in the dark.                                    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г How many Toons does it take to change a lightbulb?                       Г
Г None. They drop an anvil on it and voila, it works again.                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г How many Star Trek actors does it take to change a lightbulb?            Г
Г Five. Kirk has to fall madly in love with the keeper of the lightbulb,   Г
Г Spock has to meld with the lightbulb, an anonymous extra must die        Г
Г trying to change the lightbulb, McCoy must say that the anonymous extra  Г
Г is "dead, Jim!" and Scotty must say "The warp engines canna take much    Г
Г more, captain!"                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г THE COMPUTER VIRUS-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB!                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Why wait for some lamer to upload a new variant of some virus to your    Г
Г computer? Aren't you tired of reading about new viruses but never        Г
Г actually seeing one? Well, now you can have your very own viruses        Г
Г shipped directly to your door each month! For only $9.99 per month,      Г
Г we'll send you a new virus! These viruses are guaranteed to pass         Г
Г the most up-to-date virus scanners, and, every second month, you'll      Г
Г have the option of ordering a customizable virus! Yes, now you can       Г
Г dedicate a virus to whomever you please! It's easy! It's fun! It's       Г
Г the quickest way we can make a buck off you lamers without going to      Г
Г work!                                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г This offer is limited to only those who will accept it. Supplies         Г
Г may be limited (NOT!) so act now! Imagine how impressed your             Г
Г friends will be when they see your "neat" collection of computer         Г
Г viruses! Imagine how terrified your enemies will be!                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Think of the possibilities of having your own unique virus collection:   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г - Don't like your report card? Delete the data on the school's           Г
Г   computer!                                                              Г
Г - Don't like the IRS? Upload a triple encrypted virus that will          Г
Г   make you a hero to taxpayers all over the country!                     Г
Г - Don't like your best friend? Screw up his only copy of Wing            Г
Г   Commander!                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Electronic terrorism is the trend of the future, so don't be left        Г
Г behind!                                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г P.S. If you don't order this incredible collection, we'll find out       Г
Г who you are and send it to you unannounced. Ha Ha Ha!                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Send cash only to:                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г COMPUTER VIRUS-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB                                         Г
Г 12 Datacrime Way                                                         Г
Г Stoned, Michigan                                                         Г
Г 10110100001                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Name: _____________________________ Alias: _____________________         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Address: __________________________ Apt: _______________________         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г City: _____________________________ State: _____________________         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Data phone: _______________________ Voice phone: _______________         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г I certify that I am a complete lamer who has no idea how to make         Г
Г a computer virus but desperately want the opportunity to intimidate      Г
Г my friends, enemies, teachers, and anyone else available for contact     Г
Г via modem.                                                               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г You're so stupid...                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г ...you would probably trip over a cordless phone.                        Г
Г ...you would try to throw a coin at the ground... and miss.              Г
Г ...you would put a quarter in a parking meter and wait for a gumball.    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г The monks of a monastary in southern England decided to do some          Г
Г renovation work on their building, but they were badly in debt           Г
Г and had no income.  They decided to sell fish `n' chips to make          Г
Г some profit.  Their first customer approached one of the Brothers        Г
Г and asked "Are you the fish fryer?"                                      Г
Г "No," was the reply, "I'm the chip monk."                                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г An Italian, a Jew, and a Puerto Rican, come to the Pearly Gates and      Г
Г St. Peter says, "I'm not very pleased with ANY of your records and       Г
Г I will give you one last chance to prove your worthiness to enter        Г
Г Heaven. I will give you each one wish and then lock you away for 20      Г
Г years in a room, and we'll talk again then."                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The Italian asks for a woman and retires to his room. The Jew wants      Г
Г a telephone and retires as well. The Puerto Rican wants a cigarette      Г
Г and he retires.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Twenty years pass and St. Peter opens the Italian's door. There are      Г
Г 8 children, all praying. The Italian says, "I brought these children     Г
Г into the world to worship God and make it a better place."  St. Peter    Г
Г lets him into Heaven.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г He opens the Jew's room and there is wall-to-wall money. "I started      Г
Г a business and ran it over the phone. All this money is for the          Г
Г glory of God".  St. Peter lets him into Heaven as well.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г He opens the Puerto Rican's door and there is the guy standing with      Г
Г the cigarette dangling from his mouth and asks... "Hey Pete, Got a       Г
Г light?"                                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q.  What is the difference between the Hindenberg and Rush Limbaugh?     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A.  One is a flaming Nazi gas bag, and the other is a zeppelin.          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г There was a very old woman who'd had enough of life.  One day she        Г
Г asked her doctor how to commit suicide in a quick manner.  He told       Г
Г her to stab herself with a sharp knife two inches below and to the       Г
Г right of her left breast. A few days later he was called to the          Г
Г hospital on an emergency.  He found the same ancient woman in the        Г
Г emergency room with a horrible stab wound in her knee.                   Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г My mother is very nearsighted.  She lost her glasses and                 Г
Г now she's knitting a sweater out of spaghetti.                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Did you hear about the guy who accidentally fell through a harp          Г
Г and now he's in the hospital in rooms 34, 35, and 36?                    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г The ship was sinking.  The captain called the passengers and crew        Г
Г together and asked, "Is there anybody here who can really pray?"         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г One passenger said, "I pray all the time."                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The captain said, "That's terrific, because we're short one life         Г
Г preserver."                                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Two patients in a mental hospital are told to go clean their room. A     Г
Г couple of hours later the doctor comes in and sees one of the guys on    Г
Г the ceiling.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What are you doing up there?" the doctor asks in surprise.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I'm a lightbulb," replies the patient.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Get down from there right now and follow me!" orders the doctor.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г They start walking down the corridor when the doctor notices that the    Г
Г second patient is also following him.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Why are you coming along?" the doctor inquires.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "You don't think I'm going to clean the room in the dark, do you???"     Г
Г replies the patient.                                                     Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender          Г
Г said, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here".                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г And the mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun-gi!"                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Collective nouns:                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A neurosis of movie stars.                                               Г
Г A beat of Los Angeles cops.                                              Г
Г A whining of little children.                                            Г
Г A nerd of lamers.                                                        Г
Г A malpractice of doctors.                                                Г
Г A sleaze of lawyers.                                                     Г
Г A drill of dentists.                                                     Г
Г A yacht of millionaires.                                                 Г
Г A spam of Monty Python fans.                                             Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г He's so cheap, after shaking your hand he counts his fingers.            Г
Г He's so cheap, he even stops his watch to save time.                     Г
Г He's so cheap, he opened his wallet once and three months flew out.      Г
Г He's so cheap, when he pays you a compliment he asks for a receipt.      Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Carry your bag, Sir?"                                                   Г
Г "No, let her walk.  She needs the exercise."                             Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г How does a Star Trek extra commit suicide?                               Г
Г He beams down with the landing party.                                    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Card in a masochist's wallet:                                          Г
Г   I am a masochist. If I am injured please let me lie here and           Г
Г   enjoy it.                                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г   The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who         Г
Г was best at folding a parachute.  Unable to resolve their dispute on     Г
Г the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-     Г
Г air performance of their chutes.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating           Г
Г toward the earth.  The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing     Г
Г happened.  Frantically he pulled the safety cord - again, nothing.       Г
Г In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a       Г
Г stone.                                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   "Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna          Г
Г race!"                                                                   Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй