кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 6   January, 1994      л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                     л     Г
ГАААААл  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      лАААААГ
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  An Offer To Join The Book-Of-The-Month Club		     л	   Г
Г     л  Borg On A Hot Tin Roof (The Play)                           л     Г
Г     л  Christmas At The Redneck Household                          л     Г
Г     л  Get Rid Of Unwanted People...                               л     Г
Г     л  Some Great Top Ten Lists From The C2C Top Ten Conference    л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Now that Christmas is almost over, it's time to start avoiding bill   Г
Г    collectors and wonder how the heck we figured we were going to        Г
Г    pay for all those gifts on our measly salaries! Happy debting         Г
Г    to one and all! :)                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Thanks to the guy who called in to comment on ROTFL                   Г
Г    Digest! (Sorry, but I didn't get your name - heck, I barely           Г
Г    remember my OWN name!)                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii  Г    Г
Г     Г [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP HOT DOGS                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Wasau, Wisconsin - A man placed a dog in an operating microwave    Г
Г       oven for 10 seconds, police say. The dog died. Ronald Bouchar,     Г
Г       22, was arrested and charged with inhumane treatment of an         Г
Г       animal. Presumably, the prison won't serve him hot dogs.           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A BLESSING IN DISGUISE FOR THE HUSBAND?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Frankfurt, Germany - Angry Edith Werner, 57, divorced her husband  Г
Г       Otto, 59, after discovering that he'd been deaf for the past 20    Г
Г       years. "He made a fool of me," said Edith. "He'd say 'Yes dear'    Г
Г       every time my mouth moved!"                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       BUT WHO USES THE POOPER SCOOPER?                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       St. Louis, Missouri - A judge in a divorce case ordered the        Г
Г       husband and wife to share joint custody of their two dogs - but    Г
Г       the pets must get visitation rights with each other. Carla and     Г
Г       Tony Julius must meet in a designated parking lot every Sunday to  Г
Г       ensure the dogs get to vist with each other for 4 hours.           Г
Г       Presently, Carla and Tony get possession of one dog for six days   Г
Г       a week.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       BUT THINK OF WHAT THE GUY WILL SAVE ON SOCKS...                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Adelaide, Australia - A sunbather found a pair of shoes on the     Г
Г       beach with a pair of feet still in them. Experts are attempting    Г
Г       to determine if the feet belonged to a shark-attack victim.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A SECOND JOB THAT REALLY PAYS WELL, EH?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Vicenza, Italy - An eyewitness to a bank robbery raced to the      Г
Г       police station to report the holdup, and found the culprit behind  Г
Г       the counter. Patrolman Paolo Bronzo, 29, was charged with          Г
Г       carrying out the $100,000 bank heist. Bronzo later confessed to    Г
Г       eight additional robberies. A police spokesman said, "I guess he   Г
Г       was moonlighting."                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IS THAT YOU, MOM?                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Jane Brock sued in court for exclusive  Г
Г       rights to the name "Mommy" with her children. Jane was angry that  Г
Г       her two children were calling their new stepmother "Mommy Lisa."   Г
Г       She won her case in Circuit Court but the decision was later       Г
Г       over-ruled on an appeal.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHY DIDN'T SHE TAKE A SHOWER INSTEAD?                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Philadelphia, Pa. - 440-pound Lisa Scavone, 26, got stuck in the   Г
Г       bathtub for two days and had to be rescued by firefighters using   Г
Г       the "jaws of life." Lisa's cousin, Angela Scavone, said, "Somehow  Г
Г       she got wedged in against the faucet when she leaned back in the   Г
Г       tub. The poor thing was wrinkled like a prune from having been in  Г
Г       the water for two days." ROTFL Digest thinks she may have been     Г
Г       more like a whale than a prune...                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IN THE SAUCE                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Quebec, Que. - Vincenzo Murdocco, 48, Enzo Gualtieri, 33, and      Г
Г       Franco Perroti, 28, were arrested after the RCMP discovered $47    Г
Г       million dollars worth of cocaine stashed in tomato paste cans.     Г
Г       U.S. customs officials became suspicious after noticing that       Г
Г       Murdocco's Quebec food company was importing tomato paste from     Г
Г       Panama through Puerto Rico and New Orleans. "Panama is not known   Г
Г       for its tomato paste," said RCMP Sergeant Denis Dumas.             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hope, Arkansas - Tourists from Ohio who had their van stolen in    Г
Г       Dallas, Texas, turned the tables on the crooks and stole it back   Г
Г       in Hope, Arkansas. Mark and Denise Lewis got back their van by     Г
Г       using a spare key on it while it was in a store parking lot.       Г
Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
Г                  Borg On A Hot Tin Roof                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       starring Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Enterprise is (naturally) in an unexplored                     Г
Г       sector of some unknown galaxy when it encounters a                 Г
Г       Borg ship.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: What are the Borg doing here???                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Assimilating, Sir.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: This is MY unexplored galaxy and I won't                   Г
Г       have the Borg assimilating it before I've had a                    Г
Г       chance to play God for some backwards savages, do                  Г
Г       you hear me???                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Should we attack them, Sir?                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: And get our heads blown off? Plus, how will                Г
Г       we fill in the rest of the hour? Who'll advertise                  Г
Г       during Star Trek if it's over in five minutes?                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Geordi: Perhaps our special guests for this week can               Г
Г       help us find a solution.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg enter the bridge.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borgnine (looking at viewscreen): Why, I remember                  Г
Г       them! Those are the people who killed my father!                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Gaborg: And dose are da ones who tried to give me a                Г
Г       ticket for speeding, dahling! (to Picard) Please let               Г
Г       me go slap them silly!                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: I don't think slapping the Borg silly is a                 Г
Г       good plot device. Hmmmmm, I have to figure out a                   Г
Г       plot, and fast. (surreptiously looks into the                      Г
Г       camera) Viewers are watching.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: I suggest that we beam down to the planet                    Г
Г       which the Borg ship is orbiting, then we can be                    Г
Г       taken prisoner and spend the rest of the show                      Г
Г       desperately trying to escape.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Brilliant idea, as usual! I'll lead the AWAY               Г
Г       team since otherwise I don't do much besides grump                 Г
Г       at the children the Enterprise now drags all over                  Г
Г       space.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: I'm responsible for your safety, Sir!                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: And I'm responsible for this show's ratings!               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi: Shall I prepare to join the AWAY team,                       Г
Г       captain?                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Will we need eye-candy on the planet? Oh,                  Г
Г       what the heck, pack an overnight bag with one of                   Г
Г       those skimpy uniforms that only Betazoids wear in                  Г
Г       Starfleet.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Geordi: Will you be needing my                                     Г
Г       computer-nerd-specialist skills on the AWAY team?                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: As if you're not the one responsible for                   Г
Г       solving all the Borg problems we've ever had! Of                   Г
Г       course I do!                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The AWAY team consisting of Picard, Riker, Troi,                   Г
Г       Geordi, Data, Gaborg and Borgnine lands on the                     Г
Г       surface of the planet.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Gaborg: Are you sure we won't get a ticket for                     Г
Г       speeding in the transporter, dahling? That trip was                Г
Г       very fast...                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Borgnine: Look! I see someone ahead!                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The AWAY team begins walking quickly towards the                   Г
Г       person Borgnine has indicated. It is Captain Kirk.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: What are you doing here, Kirk?                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Reclaiming my glory. I was never given such                  Г
Г       worthy opponents as the Borg. Instead, all I got                   Г
Г       were Halloween critters, Klingons and Romulans. I                  Г
Г       demand the right to show the viewers what Captain                  Г
Г       Kirk would do when faced with the Borg.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: This is an outrage! Star Trek viewers are no               Г
Г       longer interested in you or your toupee!                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Let's settle this man to man via judo.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: I don't fight.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: See what a wimp the writers have made you?                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: I resent that! Data, hit him!                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: I cannot hit him without reasonable cause. It                Г
Г       would interfere with my moral programming.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Riker, hit Captain Kirk!                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Well, gee... he's so good in fights. Can't                  Г
Г       you just bore him to sleep so we can carry on with                 Г
Г       this mission?                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Hah! I'm wearing earplugs so you can't bore me               Г
Г       to sleep!                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Suddenly, there is the sound of footsteps. Several                 Г
Г       Borg have been watching this discussion and are now                Г
Г       approaching.                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: It's the BORG! Ready phasers.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: They'll just redefine their circuitry so your                Г
Г       phasers will have no effect. Why don't you let me                  Г
Г       handle this?                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: Never! You're history, Kirk! The sooner                    Г
Г       every Star Trek fan forgets about you, the better!                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       At that instant, Kirk grabs the Borg closest to him                Г
Г       and swings him over his shoulder. A battle ensues in               Г
Г       which Kirk is naturally the victor.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard (looking down at the unconscious Borg): Why                 Г
Г       did judo work when peaceful discussion and phasers                 Г
Г       did nothing?                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Writer's convenience.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: I suggest we check out that building in the                  Г
Г       distance. It could explain why the Borg are on this                Г
Г       planet.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Good idea.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Troi: I sense something awful is happening in there.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Picard: You can't sense anything yet! We still have                Г
Г       a half hour to fill!                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The group trudges over to the building. It is very                 Г
Г       low and has a lot of electric wires running about                  Г
Г       it.                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: I'm going in. Captain, you wait here.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker and Data enter the building.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: Do you think we should have brought Geordi                   Г
Г       along?                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: No, the captain needs someone to explain                    Г
Г       modern technology to him.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A group approaches Riker and Data, but it is not                   Г
Г       Borg - it's the crew from the old Star Trek                        Г
Г       episodes.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: I see our plan worked.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Scotty: Aye, the chickens are caught in the coop.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Uhura: Aye sir!                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: The captain is not here. Why do you continue                Г
Г       to say "Aye sir"?                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Uhura: Sorry, Mr. Spock. Force of habit.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: What do you mean, we're caught?                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: You've been stealing fame and glory that                    Г
Г       belonged rightfully to the original Star Trek                      Г
Г       members. We are now obtaining this right by force.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: Is this logical?                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: It is to me.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: Then if it's okay for a Vulcan, it's okay for                Г
Г       me.                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker (whispering): We have to fight them, Data!                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: That is useless. As you can see, we are                      Г
Г       outnumbered, plus they appear to have the Borg                     Г
Г       backing them up.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hundreds of Borg now gather in a circle around the                 Г
Г       group.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: But... the Borg?                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: They seemed like a logical choice to make an                Г
Г       agreement with.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data: Why have they not assimilated you?                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       McCoy: Writer's convenience.                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Data and Riker both nod their heads in                             Г
Г       understanding.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       McCoy: The Borg got tired of being talked to death                 Г
Г       so they approached us with the deal.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: Well, Picard is a bit long-winded...                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Scotty: A bit??? Nothing but talk for fifty five                   Г
Г       minutes per episode!                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: So why is this episode entitled "Borg On A                  Г
Г       Hot Tin Roof"?                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: Because we're having a BBQ on the roof of                   Г
Г       this building and you're the honored guests. We all                Г
Г       saw the movie "Alive!" and got to wondering how you                Г
Г       guys would taste.                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Riker: You'll never get away with it!                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Just then, Kirk enters with the AWAY team and guest                Г
Г       stars. He has his phaser set on "sautee."                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Are we ready?                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: I believe so, Sir.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The AWAY team and guest stars are forced to the roof,              Г
Г       where the others cook them with their phasers.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kirk: Ahhh, that was finger lickin' good.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Spock: I do believe you'd have been successful if                  Г
Г       you'd chosen to pursue a career in cooking, Sir.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Everyone laughs as the scene fades out.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Christmas At The Redneck Household   By Sandy Illes                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It was really hard gettin' a good fire goin' for                   Г
Г       Santa, but we managed to do it by settin' a few                    Г
Г       crates burnin' in the middle of the livin' room.                   Г
Г       The kids began cryin' when the tree caught fire but                Г
Г       we just told 'em that Santa would leave an extra                   Г
Г       round of ammo in their stockings. That cheered 'em                 Г
Г       up a whole lot.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       We left out the traditional plate of chewin' tobacco               Г
Г       and a shot of moonshine for the old fat guy. We sure               Г
Г       could never figure out why the old guy had the face                Г
Г       of a cherub and the body of Delta Burke.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In the morning, we had to rush out to the highway to               Г
Г       find us some dinner. Luckily, we found a deer and                  Г
Г       brought it home in the back of the pickup. The                     Г
Г       missus commenced to preparin' the meat while I went                Г
Г       to see what was happenin' with the kids.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Well, they were just delighted with the gifts they                 Г
Г       received. Larry had gotten two rounds of ammo and a                Г
Г       new sock that matched the one he got last year;                    Г
Г       Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a real live                      Г
Г       spider; the other Darryl got two rounds of ammo and                Г
Г       a toothbrush (although Lord knows why he asked for                 Г
Г       one - he ain't got no teeth!).                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It was just a grand old day, what with the kids                    Г
Г       shootin' at each other and the dogs. Spot was killed               Г
Г       so we put him in the freezer for tomorrow night's                  Г
Г       supper.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When we sat down to eat, I didn't expect what Larry                Г
Г       said. He said, "We're not going to eat Rudolph, are                Г
Г       we???"                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Well, whaddya know - the deer we'd found on the road               Г
Г       was a reindeer and none other than Rudolph the                     Г
Г       red-nosed reindeer, at that!                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       He tasted delicious!                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       GET RID OF UNWANTED PEOPLE THE EASY WAY WITH OUR                   Г
Г       NEW, EXCLUSIVE, AND VERY EXPENSIVE MAIL-ORDER COURSE!              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Being insane means never having to admit you have a                Г
Г       clue about what's going on. People don't expect you                Г
Г       to understand anything because they presume you're                 Г
Г       too busy listening to Napoleon or your neighbour's                 Г
Г       dog to bother with reality.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Now you, too, can give the impression of insanity,                 Г
Г       which will serve to scare away door-to-door                        Г
Г       salespeople, Jehovah's Witnesses, your                             Г
Г       neighbour's children, and all of your friends and                  Г
Г       relatives. Enjoy the peace and quiet you deserve in                Г
Г       your own home!                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In just 5 easy lessons, we'll teach you how to act                 Г
Г       like a raving lunatic! At the low, low price of only               Г
Г       $99.95 per lesson, you won't believe the results!                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Here's just a sample from our lessons:                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       LESSON 1: A salesperson rings your doorbell very                   Г
Г       insistently. You just got out of the bath and don't                Г
Г       want to answer the door, but he won't go away.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 1: Answer the door in the nude and throw                  Г
Г       yourself into the salesperson's arms. Whisper how                  Г
Г       much you've missed him and ask if he brought the                   Г
Г       herpes ointment.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 2: Throw on a robe, grab a Bible, and                     Г
Г       answer the door while quietly reciting prayers.                    Г
Г       Tell him the Apocalypse is coming any minute and you               Г
Г       must save him right away.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 3: Call the police and tell them there's a                Г
Г       prowler at your house. This will inconvenience the                 Г
Г       salesperson while he explains what he's doing there.               Г
Г       With any luck at all, he won't have his license with               Г
Г       him and will have to go down to the station and call               Г
Г       his boss.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       LESSON 2: You are on a subway and a long-haired,                   Г
Г       sinister looking man is staring intently at you.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 1: Fall on the floor and pretend to have a                Г
Г       seizure. When he comes near, hit him repeatedly in                 Г
Г       the face.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 2: Begin loudly singing songs praising                    Г
Г       Satan.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Solution 3: Studiously pick your nose, taking great                Г
Г       care to show off the contents. Offer to pick his                   Г
Г       nose for him.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Yes, for only $99.95 we guarantee that you will be                 Г
Г       taught how to act like a raving lunatic! How can you               Г
Г       pass up such a great offer? You'd have to be crazy!                Г
Г       Call to order:                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In Canada: 1-800-CRAZY-EH                                          Г
Г       In the US: 1-800-GOT-A-GUN                                         Г
Г       In Italy:  1-800-IMA-NUTS                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Some great Top Ten lists collected in the City2City Top Ten conference!  Г
Г Whine at your Sysop until he agrees to carry the C2C Top Ten             Г
Г conference, okay? :)                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: RICHARD PLATEL                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г TOP TEN THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW, AND DIDN'T CARE                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10: There are more left-socks in the world than right.                   Г
Г  9: If you lined up all of Canada's MPs, head to toe, they still         Г
Г     wouldn't reach a point.                                              Г
Г  8: The Thar desert is the world's ninth largest.                        Г
Г  7: Floccinaucinihlipipification  is a word.                             Г
Г  6: December 31, 1999 is going to be a Friday.                           Г
Г  5: E is the most common vowel in the English language.                  Г
Г  4: There are three more items on this list.                             Г
Г  3: Number 7 means "the act of estimating something to be worthless."    Г
Г  2: There's no fool like an old fool.                                    Г
Г  1: This is an anticlimax.                                               Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------- Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Banks That Rejected Rich As A Customer:                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. National Bank Of No Refunds.                                         Г
Г 9.  National Bank Of Our Lady Of Perpetual Poverty.                      Г
Г 8.  National Bank Of No Tellers.                                         Г
Г 7.  National Bank Of Big Lineups.                                        Г
Г 6.  National Bank Of Rude Credit Managers.                               Г
Г 5.  National Bank Of Chained Pens.                                       Г
Г 4.  National Bank Of No Withdrawls.                                      Г
Г 3.  National Bank Of Interest Leeching.                                  Г
Г 2.  National Bank Of Spasmodic Savings.                                  Г
Г 1.  National Bank Of On-The-Take Moderators.                             Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------- Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Things Better Than Being A Couch Potato:                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Being a couch tomato.                                                Г
Г 9.  Sticking marbles up your nose.                                       Г
Г 8.  Draining all the blood from your body to see if it's really 8 pints. Г
Г 7.  Curing a headache by shooting yourself in the foot.                  Г
Г 6.  Writing letters to people you don't know and addressing the          Г
Г     envelopes to "Occupant."                                             Г
Г 5.  Accidentally poking yourself in the eye while trying to put out the  Г
Г     fire in your hair.                                                   Г
Г 4.  Participating in a Spam-eating contest.                              Г
Г 3.  Setting your hair on fire because you're too cheap to pay for a      Г
Г     trim, plus it feels so good when it stops.                           Г
Г 2.  Loving potato salad so much that you marry it.                       Г
Г 1.  Winning the C2CTTCTTLOTM contest!                                    Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------- Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Things Fred Flintstone COULD Have Said, But Didn't:              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. With a cold: Yabba dabba ahhhhhhhhhhhh-choooooooo!                   Г
Г 9.  As a chef: Yabba dabba fondue!                                       Г
Г 8.  As a confused Frenchman: Yabba dabba perdu!                          Г
Г 7.  As a paste-up artist: Yabba dabba glue!                              Г
Г 6.  As a footwear salesman: Yabba dabba shoe!                            Г
Г 5.  When he's dead: Yabba dabba BOO!                                     Г
Г 4.  When he meets a skunk: Yabba dabba phew!                             Г
Г 3.  With Alzheimer's Disease: Yabba dabba who???                         Г
Г 2.  When he regresses to his second childhood: Yabba dabba goo goo!      Г
Г 1.  If he's reincarnated as a cow: Yabba dabba moooooooooo!              Г
Г------------------------------------------------------------------------- Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г From: SANDY ILLES                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Top Ten Things SPAM Goes Best With:                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г 10. Eggs.                                                                Г
Г 9.  Lime Jello.                                                          Г
Г 8.  A stomach pump.                                                      Г
Г 7.  Indigestion.                                                         Г
Г 6.  A very low IQ.                                                       Г
Г 5.  Fish heads on a rotting newspaper.                                   Г
Г 4.  A chronic inability to taste food products.                          Г
Г 3.  More SPAM.                                                           Г
Г 2.  And yet even more SPAM.                                              Г
Г 1.  All the SPAM in the world.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
УТТФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФТД
ГГГJOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKESГГ
УССФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФСД
Г                                                                          Г
Г To be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song by Nat "King" Cole:         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Chipmunks roasting                                                       Г
Г   on an open fire.                                                       Г
Г Their eyes bulge out,                                                    Г
Г   as they explode.                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Machine gun fire,                                                        Г
Г   opens up on the crowd.                                                 Г
Г And folks fall down                                                      Г
Г   like dominos.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Everybody knows,                                                         Г
Г   an uzi and some hand grenades,                                         Г
Г     help to make the season bright.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Tiny tots,                                                               Г
Г   bound and gagged in their beds,                                        Г
Г     will find it hard to sleep, tonight.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г They know that Santa's                                                   Г
Г   on his way.                                                            Г
Г He's got a chainsaw,                                                     Г
Г   and he's gonna make 'em pay.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г And every mother's child                                                 Г
Г   is gonna spy,                                                          Г
Г To watch their Daddy shoot                                               Г
Г   those reindeer from the sky...                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г And so I'm offering                                                      Г
Г   this simple phrase.                                                    Г
Г For the tots by now,                                                     Г
Г   are turning blue.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Although it's been said                                                  Г
Г   many times many ways...                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Merry Christmas.... to You.                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г                Pinocchio's Lesson                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Pinocchio: I can't seem to get anywhere with the girls. They             Г
Г            always complain about splinters.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Gepetto: That's easy to fix. Just take some sandpaper and sand it        Г
Г          smooth.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A few days later .....                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Gepetto: So Pinnochio, are you having any luck with the girls now?       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Pinocchio: Who needs girls?                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q:  Why did some Bohemian radicals throw Vaclav Havel off of a tall      Г
Г     building?                                                            Г
Г A:  They wanted to see if the Czech would bounce.                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q:  How does Herpes leave the hospital?                                  Г
Г A:  On crotches.                                                         Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г    A Swede, a Norwegian, and a Finn all worked on the same               Г
Г  construction site. The Swede looked in his lunch pail and said          Г
Г  "Tuna fish!  Yuk, I hate tuna."  The Norwegian looked in his            Г
Г  lunch pail and also exclaimed "Tuna fish?  Yuk! I hate tuna!"           Г
Г  The Finn  then looked in his lunch pail and exclaimed "Tuna             Г
Г  fish?  Yuk!  I yust HATE Tuna!"  So they didn't eat that day.           Г
Г    The next day, the Swede looked in his lunch pail and said "UFF        Г
Г  DA!  Herring sandwich!!!"  The Norwegian looked in his lunch            Г
Г  pail and saw lutefisk.  "My wife finally got it right, yust in          Г
Г  the knick of time!!" exclaimed the Norwegian.  The Finn looked          Г
Г  in his lunch and saw tuna fish, so he flung himself off of the          Г
Г  building in a fit of rage.  The next day, at the Finn's wake,           Г
Г  the Swede and the Norwegian stopped by and saw his wife.  They          Г
Г  went over and said "We really liked him.  He was a good pal."           Г
Г  To which the wife said, "Ya, and he was considerate, too.  He           Г
Г  even packed his own lunch."                                             Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГDid you hear John Bobbit got a new girlfriend?                            Г
ГBut now he's unattached.                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГDid you hear John Bobbit was having phone sex the other night?            Г
ГHe got cut off.                                                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГDid you hear John Bobbit is suing his wife?                               Г
ГHe wants severance pay.                                                   Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГI hear the Bobbits are getting back together again.  It seems he          Г
Гdoesn't have any hard feelings anymore.                                   Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г What has 98 feet but only 14 teeth?                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.                                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г One payday an employee received an unusually large cheque. She decided   Г
Г not to say anything about it. The following week, however, her cheque wasГ
Г for less than the normal amount, and confronted her boss.                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "How come," the supervisor inquired, "You didn't say anything when you   Г
Г were overpaid ?"                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Unruffled, the employee replied, "Well I can overlook one mistake - but  Г
Г not two in a row!"                                                       Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г   When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the          Г
Г   Atlantic, the travel agent decided to have a little fun. "You can      Г
Г   go first class for $400.00, second class for $250.00, third class      Г
Г   for $150.00...OR you cans swim alongside the boat for $20.00 plus      Г
Г   tax."                                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot.           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.  We asked      Г
Г how they prepare their chickens.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г  There was a fellow who didn't want to dance because he felt that he     Г
Г had two left feet. Then he found out his feet were fine.  It was the     Г
Г two left shoes that bothered him.                                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г  He led her closely as they moved around the dance floor.   After the    Г
Г fifth time he'd stepped on her toes, he said, "I can't understand it.    Г
Г I never danced so badly before."                                         Г
Г  "Oh," she said, "you've danced before?"                                 Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common?              Г
Г Same middle name.                                                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       A man came home from work and said, "Honey, I just won             Г
Г       $6 million in the lotto, go upstairs and get packed!"              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       His wife says, "That's wonderful!!  What should I pack?"           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The man says, "I don't care, just be out of here by morning!"      Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г "Honk if you want to see an Uzi fired from my car window"                Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй