旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 7 February, 1994 � � � � � � � � � � � � Published by Access Media Systems � � � � Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362 Data: (905)825-8653 � � � � � � � � Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes � � 낡같같� Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel 方같같� � � � � � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � Contents: � � � � � � � � Editorial � � � � True Silly Stories From Around The World � � � � SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL � � � � Publishers' Jeering House Sweepstakes Entry � � � � SPAM (Ingredients and cooking instructions) � � � � Keith's Komments (All About Watches) � � � � Answering Machine Messages We'd Like To Hear � � � � Flame Of The Month � � � � Top Ten Lists! � � � � Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! � � � � Special Section Of Michael Jackson Jokes! � � � � � � � 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢 � � � � Editorial � � --------- � � � � Welcome to the 7th issue of ROTFL Digest! This may be our � � funniest issue yet! (Or it may not... the gravity is especially � � strong today which pulls our brains into our ankles which is � � detrimental for anything which requires actual thought) Anyway, � � read it and laugh! � � � � Many thanks to Keith Treichel for his "Komments"! � � � � All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original � � material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will � � be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. � � � 낡같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같같개 � � � 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it � � � � remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may � � � � be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii � � � � [C]omment to Sysop, sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314, or � � � � sent to sandy.illes@accmedia.com. � � � � ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes � � � � without the express written consent of the publishers. � � � � Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited. � � � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � True Silly Stories From Around The World: � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � GET YOUR SHOVELS � � � � Chicago, Ill. - Somewhere under the busy streets � � of Chicago lies a buried fortune worth millions � � of dollars. It's hidden somewhere around the 1200 � � block of State Street under a building. When the � � gold was buried by farmer Felix Conway in 1860, � � Chicago was still a growing town with open spaces. � � Conway buried the fortune in gold underneath his � � outhouse so he wouldn't have to share the � � money with his wife Elsie. � � � � � � COVERING HIS BETS � � � � Rome, Italy - Grieving widow Lucretia Marsicano got � � a shock when her husband's will was read: he'd left � � his entire $200,000 estate to Satan. � � � � � � IT WASN'T THAT HARD TO PREDICT � � � � Kenosha County, Wisconsin - Isaas Briscoe, 20, � � predicted that he'd be killed by police just two � � days before he was shot to death by a sheriff's � � deputy. Briscoe was driving a stolen truck and had � � been involved in a hit-and-run accident shortly � � before being pulled over and getting into a struggle � � with the deputy. � � � � � � KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME � � � � New York, N.Y. - Chadreik Walker, 18, robbed a � � couple outside of a check-cashing store, then � � accidentally shot himself in the groin while shoving � � his pistol back in his waistband. Walker ordered his � � victims to take off, then headed for Maimonides � � Hospital, where he claimed he'd been shot by a � � mugger. He still had the victims' money and wallets � � in his pants. � � � � � � I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU � � � � Novato, California - A homeless man ended up in � � hospital after he was stabbed with a dog bone during � � a fight at a shelter. Russell Meyers, 32, allegedly � � stabbed Frank Anthony Cervantes, 32, several times. � � Meyers was arrested for assault with a deadly � � weapon. ROTFL Digest believes the charge should have � � been "assault with a dead weapon." � � � � � � GOING OUT WITH A BANG � � � � Phoenix, Arizona - 44-year old Carl Jeffrey shot � � himself to death after blowing up his house with � � explosives. He'd just lost a long and hard battle � � with the IRS over back taxes and had received a � � notice to vacate his home. � � � � � � HIS DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN � � � � Long Island, N.Y. - 600-pound Ed Stollow got sick � � and firemen had to cut a hole in the wall of his � � home, roll him like a log onto a door, then pass him � � out to a waiting ambulance crew. � � � � � � STUPID CROOK #789 � � � � Bonn, Germany - Herbert Degar barged into a bank and � � tried to rob it - two days after the bank went � � broke. The government auditor at the teller's window � � politely advised Degar that the bank was out of � � business, then pushed the button for the police � � alarm. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL � � =================================================== � � � � Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy � � Voom FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP! It not only allows you to � � send and receive faxes, it will take voice messages � � on the internal answering machine, make color � � photocopies of important documents like this manual, � � grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry your hair, replace � � your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your � � behalf! � � � � Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg � � frying) require the Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1 � � interface available for a modest fee of slightly � � less than the national debt. � � � � How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP: � � � � Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're � � obviously doing something wrong. Remove the plug � � from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging it � � into a wall socket while holding your other hand in � � a bowl of water. If several zillion volts of � � electricity course through your body, then the � � equipment is working satisfactorily. � � � � Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the � � button that says "Answer." If the red LED display � � does not appear, we probably sold you a defective � � product but there's not much point in trying to � � return it since we'll simply ignore you until the � � warranty expires or Hell freezes over - whichever � � comes first. � � � � Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you � � to send faxes if the red LED display is on. If the � � red LED display is not on, pressing the "Fax" button � � will probably cause the machine to explode and kill � � you. � � � � Programming numbers into your machine is � � accomplished by calling our customer service � � department who will explain it much better than a � � goon who's writing a manual about a product he � � understands nothing about. � � � � WARRANTY: � � � � The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed � � to work for as long as the box remains sealed. Under � � no circumstances should you open the box but if you � � do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL � � TIMES. � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � Publishers Jeering House � � ------------------------ � � � � YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER IN OUR TEN MILLION � � DOLLAR SWEEPSTAKES! (But don't hold your breath) � � � � [Insert name here] is definitely the winner of TEN � � MILLION DOLLARS if this Final Round Entry � � Certificate is returned by the November 19th � � deadline and 37 7142 4819 12 matches the winning � � preselected number! (Since the number is � � preselected, your chances of winning are � � proportionate to whether or not any of our � � relatives live long enough to claim this prize) � � � � If all conditions set forth are met (namely that you � � order some of our cheesy magazines AND hold the � � winning number), [Insert name here] has a 1-in-10 � � chance to win $1000.00 or $100.00 or a free � � all-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom! � � ---------------------------------------------------- � � � � Great news [Insert name here]! You've never been � � closer to winning ten million dollars! (Which speaks � � volumes for your pathetic life, but that's a whole � � other story) � � � � You sure know how to play the game [Insert name � � here]! You take advantage of every opportunity you � � get to enter our sweepstakes, even though no one � � has ever actually won to anybody's knowledge. People � � (suckers) like you are hard to find, and because � � of this, we're sending a jillion more subscription � � offers with this sweepstakes notification. � � � � Remember, you can't win if you don't enter, and you � � may as well not enter if you're not ordering � � magazines since we automatically trash the entries � � from those leeches who want something for nothing. � � � � � � Best of luck! � � � � [Indecipherable signature] � � for Publishers Jeering House � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � (from the label): � � � � SLICED SPAM LUNCHEON MEAT: Cut into 8-10 slices while trying desperately � � and futilely not to throw up; arrange in baking dish or garbage � � disposal. Spread with favorite sauce, glaze, or pesticide. BAKE at 425 � � degrees for 10-12 minutes or until flavor is completely destroyed, or � � MICROWAVE at Incinerate for 2 1/2-4 minutes, or PAN-FRY slices until � � browned on both sides or your dog starts retching. � � � � Ingredients: Chopped Pork Shoulder Meat, Bones And Gristle With Ham Meat � � And Lips Added, Salt, Water, Sugar, Sodium Nitrate, And Melted Pig Eyes � � Flavored With Lime Jello. � � � � Warning: This is not a food product. Do not eat. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � Keith's Komments by Keith Treichel � � January 1994 � � � � Man, we thought it was cool when the first LED (light-emitting diode) � � watches came out back in the early 70's. Press a button and glowing red � � computer characters would reveal the time (in military format! Groovy). I� � didn't want one, though, because I knew that it would get annoying having� � to press a button to see the time. I was going to wait until "they" (who � � are "they" anyway?) came out with a digital watch that would allow me to � � see the time with just a glance at my wrist. � � � � It wasn't long before technology fulfilled my wish. I have had my � � share of digital watches over the years, and now I sport a snazzy Casio � � DataBank, which does the usual stop- watch, count-down timer, world � � times, calculator, alarm clock and hourly chime. The main reason I � � wanted it was the fact it can hold fifty (50) phone numbers. Fantastic. � � It is also accurate to about 5 seconds per month, and of course right � � now it is perfectly synchronized with the hourly beep on CFRB. � � � � But I have noticed a trend lately. The old analog watch, the one � � with hands, is making a come-back, and I think I know why. With the � � good old analog watch, you glance at your wrist and "absorb" the time. � � It is not a conscious thing. Your mind knows from the position of the � � hands that it is "oh, about quarter to four." � � � � Not so with a digital. I look at my watch and see that it is � � "15:47:41". And since it is synchronized with CFRB, I know that � � "15:47:41" is the exact time, no if's, and's or but's. Which � � leads to the dilemma that every digital watch owner has faced, � � namely, what do you tell someone who asks you for the time. � � With an analog, the process is simple: glance at wrist, � � announce "about quarter to four". No muss, no fuss. It is not so � � easy with a digital: glance at wrist, read "15:47:41". Do I say � � "3:47" to the guy and reveal for all time that I really am a � � nerd who is proud of his digital watch? Do I say "about quarter � � to four?" No, I can't do that, because I know that it is "15:47," � � and I could make this guy late for an important meeting. And if � � he is waiting for the bus, I have to be accurate. Should I � � perform some complex arithmetic and say "thirteen minutes to � � four?" Too complicated. Finally I decide on "3:47", but wait a � � minute. I know this watch is right on deadly accurate (remember � � CFRB). It isn't really 3:47. There are 41 seconds tacked onto � � the end of the time, so it is almost 3:48! Should I round it up � � to 3:48 for him? In that case, it is almost ten minutes to four. � � Well, twelve minutes to four. Does this guy want the exact time, � � or just an approximation? If I take it up to 3:50, does he want � � me to say "three-fifty", or would he understand "ten to four" � � better? � � � � Who needs this stress? Give me back my cool Timex analog � � watch I had in the sixties, which was awesome because it had � � a little window with the date in it. At the end of every month � � that did not have thirty-one days I had to wind it ahead 24 hours � � to get back to the first of the month (72 hours in February). � � � � (According to my Casio, I am finishing this column at � � 12:16:55 a.m. Rats! I missed the CFRB beep at midnight so I could � � make sure my watch still has the right time!) � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � � � ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES WE'D LIKE TO HEAR � � ============================================ � � � � You have reached Hill's House Of Horrors, where � � nothing is quite as terrifying as the bills we � � receive from the telephone company. � � � � Thank you for calling Mel's Monstrous Telephone Bill � � Number. Leave a message at the sound of the beep or � � else risk being fried by the 200 gigawatts of � � electricity hooked up to this answering machine. � � � � I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my answering � � machine. Please undress, stick out your tongue, � � and leave a message. � � � � The Borg assimilated and all I got was this � � lousy answering machine. Please leave a message... � � or don't. It's irrelevant. � � � � You have reached [ ]. This answering machine � � message has been rated PG (Pathetic Geek) by the � � BLAAH (Boring Lamers Alone At Home) Association. Try � � to leave a message without sticking a pencil up your � � nose. � � � � This is an encore presentation of Sandy's Recycled � � Used Answering Machine Messages. If you have heard � � this message before and left a message, press 1. If � � you have not heard this message before, press 2. If � � you have no intention of leaving a message, please � � place the telephone receiver firmly up your butt. � � Thank you. � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � FLAME OF THE MONTH: � � � � It's disheartening to know that you're still alive and inflicting � � your curse of momentary consciousness upon the masses via echomail. � � If you are unable to get a life, I implore you to get a death. � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � TOP TEN LISTS � � � � Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Monitor: � � � � 10. The smoke from the back of the monitor burns � � your eyes. � � 9. You glow in the dark from the radiation. � � 8. Only scientists wearing anti-radioactive suits � � and masks will visit you. � � 7. You're the only one who doesn't consider your � � radiation burns unusual. � � 6. You need a bucket of water to "turn off" the � � monitor. � � 5. Your mother uses your monitor to fry eggs. � � 4. You can recharge batteries using your monitor. � � 3. Your sister thinks it's great for straightening � � her hair (just push a finger into socket A). � � 2. Your monitor now powers all of the electrical � � appliances in your house. � � 1. You don't find anything odd about any of the � � above. � � � � Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Hard Drive: � � � � 10. The DOS prompt calls you an idiot. � � 9. The screeching noises it makes when trying to � � access files wakes up the neighbours. � � 8. You need to wear a nose filter when running the � � drive because the fumes make you ill. � � 7. Your cat won't even bother to shed hair on it � � anymore. � � 6. You have time to learn Latin while waiting for � � a DIR. � � 5. Ripley's Believe It Or Not calls and asks if � � they can display your hard drive in their museum. � � 4. You have to turn down your hearing aid while � � doing file searches on the hard drive. � � 3. Aliens appear and ask what was that garbled � � message you sent them. � � 2. It's using more than a quart of oil per day. � � 1. It sprays sparks around like a soldering gun. � � � � Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Computer: � � � � 10. It says, "I can't let you do that Dave," even � � though your name isn't Dave. � � 9. It won't boot unless you put the battery � � recharger on it. � � 8. The error messages now say, "Please trade � � me in... please!" � � 7. It makes better toast than zipfiles. � � 6. It auto-dials 911 and begs for help. � � 5. You have to literally boot it just to get � � the floppy drives to work. � � 4. Unix systems sneer at it and call it a � � dweeb. � � 3. Even 286's sneer at it and call it a � � dweeb. � � 2. It acts like it thinks BIOS stands for: But I'm � � Obviously Stupid." � � 1. It singes your fingers when you type on the � � keyboard. � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 넬컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � 납JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES� � 냅컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 � � � � � � A fellow with legal problems came into town in a hurry and inquired � � of the first person he saw, "Do you have any criminal lawyers here?" � � The man replied, "Yes, three or four, but we've never been able to � � convict any of them yet." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Want to hear an anti-environmentalist joke? � � A baby seal walks into a club.... � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida. � � "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if � � you carry a flashlight?" � � "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the � � flashlight." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Billy Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play? � � Mrs. Jones: You know Johnny doesn't have any arms and legs! � � Billy: We know, we want to use him for second base. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Counsel: Do you wish to challenge any of the jury? � � Prisoner: Well, I think I could lick that little fellow on this � � end. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A man walking along the road saw an Indian lying with his ear to � � the ground. He went over and listened. The Indian said, "Large � � wheels, Ford pickup truck, green color, man driving with large police � � dog next to him, Colorado license plate and traveling about 75 miles � � per hour." � � The man was astounded. "You mean you can tell all that just by � � listening with your ear to the ground?" he asked. � � "Ear to the ground, nothing," said the Indian. "That truck just � � ran over me!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � British Commandos (marines) have a new C.O. who decides to test their � � toughness by making them parade naked in the rain in the middle of a � � cold winter night. The C.O. walks up and down the lines of commandos. � � � � C.O. sees a rather fat belly. Kicks it hard with his heavy boot. � � Terrible thud of boot on the man's spine. C.O. turns to the soldier- � � � � C.O. : "Did that hurt, man?" � � Soldier : "No Sah!" � � C.O. : "And why not?" � � Soldier : "Because I'm a commando, Sah!" � � C.O. : "Good man, good man!" � � � � C.O. continues, sees a pair of feet just an inch too far forward. � � Pretends not to notice but just after he passes he turns and stamps on � � the toes. Blood, bone fragments etc. fly. He turns to the soldier- � � � � C.O. : "Did that hurt, man?" � � Soldier : "No Sah!" � � C.O. : "And why not?" � � Soldier : "Because I'm a commando, Sah!" � � C.O. : "Good man, good man!" � � � � C.O. continues and sees the end of a huge long penis reaching the � � ground in front of him. With a sadistic laugh, the C.O. stomps on � � it, twists his boot on it , grinds it till the end is a bloody, � � pathetic mess. He turns to the soldier- � � � � C.O. : "Did that hurt, man?" � � Soldier : "No Sah!" � � C.O. : "And why not?" � � Soldier : "Belongs to the man behind, Sah!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � 쿎ity officials in Washington, D.C. recently passed a law � 쿾rohibiting panhandling on streets, saying, "If they want to � 쿹ive off public handouts, they can run for office like everyone � 쿮lse around here." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � 쿜: What do you call 100 rabbits in a row hopping backwards? � 쿌: A receding hare line. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a � � marriage counselor. "When I was first married, I was very happy. � � I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little � � dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring my slippers. � � Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings my � � slippers, and my wife barks at me." � � "I don't know what you're complaining about, said the � � counselor. "You're still getting the same service." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Jim was having trouble with a toothache, so he decided to visit � � the dentist. � � "What do you charge for extracting a tooth?" Jim asked. � � "Fifty dollars," replied the dentist. � � "Fifty dollars for only two minute's work?" exclaimed Jim. � � "Well," replied the dentist, "if you wish, I can extract it very � � slowly." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Did you hear about the counterfeiter who got caught because � � he'd been making money too long? � � About an inch and a half too long. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � "How's Sally the waitress?" � � "She's dead." � � "Dead? What happened???" � � "She died from herpes." � � "You don't die from herpes!" � � "You do if you give it to big Al!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint � � Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of � � car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and � � the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A � � second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third � � said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on � � in," he said. " You've been through hell already!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Why won't Mexico be sending a team to the 1996 Olympics? � � Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already on � � this side of the border. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � What has 98 feet but only 14 teeth? � � The front row of a Willie Nelson concert. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the � � Atlantic, the travel agent decided to have a little fun. "You can � � go first class for $400.00, second class for $250.00, third class � � for $150.00...OR you cans swim alongside the boat for $20.00 plus � � tax." � � � � "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked � � how they prepare their chickens. � � � � The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die." � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common? � � Same middle name. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A man came home from work and said, "Honey, I just won � � $6 million in the lotto, go upstairs and get packed!" � � � � His wife says, "That's wonderful!! What should I pack?" � � � � The man says, "I don't care, just be out of here by morning!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Q. How can you tell a Polack in a casino? � � A. He's the one playing the stamp machine. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Did you hear about the Tempura House? � � It's a home for lightly battered women. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? � � A vampire only sucks blood at night. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � A policeman spotted a woman driving � � and knitting at the same time. Coming up � � beside her, he said, "Pull over!" � � � � "No," she replied, "a pair of socks!" � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � Did you hear about the Pole who was found dead in his jail cell with � � twelve bumps on his head? � � He tried to hang himself with a rubber band. � �----------------------------------------------------------------------- � � � � There is a drunk staggering down the sidewalk with his car's � � ignition key between his thumb and forefinger, his zipper � � down and his penis hanging out. � � � � A cop driving down the street sees him and pulls over and � � says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" � � � � The drunk replies, "I seem to have lost my car." � � � � The cop says, "How come your penis is hanging out?" � � � � The drunk looks down at his crotch and says, "Oh no, I've � � lost my girl too!" � � � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴캑 � Special Section Of Michael Jackson Jokes! (Rated TT = Totally Tasteless)� � � � Michael Jackson Jokes! � � ====================== � � � � How does Michael Jackson change a lightbulb? � � He pretends it's a little boy and screws away. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What's a perfect 10 to Michael Jackson? � � Two 5-year olds. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Only in a great country like America could a black boy like � � Michael Jackson grow up to be a white woman... � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Why does Michael Jackson wear his pants so short? � � When he gets up in the morning, sometimes he puts on the � � wrong pair. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � How can you tell Michael Jackson is gay? � � His d*ck tastes like sh*t. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � The court ordered a rectal examination of the boy who accused � � Michael Jackson of molesting him. Do you know what they found? � � Michael Jackson's other glove. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � I hear when Michael Jackson got out of that drug clinic � � in Switzerland he felt like a kid again.... � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � I hear Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor are starting an � � organization for black people. � � It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What's Michael Jackson using at that Swiss drug clinic? � � Milk of Amnesia. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Why does Michael Jackson shop at K-Mart? � � Boy's pants are already half off. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What's the hardest stain to get out of a little boy's underwear? � � Michael Jackson's makeup. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you hear Michael Jackson has announced that he intends to � � give up his singing career? � � He wants to become a Catholic priest. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you see the recent announcement for Michael Jackson's � � new band? � � The Jackson Five and Under. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Why did they make Michael Jackson quit the Cub Scouts? � � He was up to a pack a day. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � How does Michael Jackson screw in a lightbulb? � � He has a young boy firmly hold the bulb and begins screwing. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � How do you save Michael Jackson from drowning? � � Lift the 12-year old he's attached to out of the water. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What's Michael Jackson's favorite sexual position? � � Naked moonwalking. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Seems Michael Jackson was seen in Utah going back to school. � � I think it was at Bring'em Young U. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Here's something to think about: How come you see all the famous � � Jacksons like Michael, Jermaine, Latoya, and Janet, and they are � � all famous, and have had hundreds of plastic surgeries, but you � � never hear about Tito anymore? � � � � If you ask me, I think they killed him and scrapped him for parts. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Thank god for Michael Jackson...he's restored public confidence � � in Pee Wee Herman. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Have you heard about the new McDonald's Michael Jackson burger? � � It's a slab of 30-year old meat between twelve year old buns. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you hear that Michael Jackson is in trouble again? He was � � arrested trying to destroy evidence by showing up at the home of � � Lorena Bobbitt. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you hear Michael Jackson is changing the name of his ranch? � � From Never Never Land to...... � � Well Almost Never Land! � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Q. Why did Michael Jackson return to America? � � A. He thought Macauley Culkin was home alone. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll? � � You take it home and it plays with your kids. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Did you hear Michael Jackson just purchased 20 boats? � � Seems each one comes with a free buoy. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � Why is Michael Jackson called 7-Up? � � That's his favorite age for boyfriends. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What will Michael Jackson do now that he's been accused of � � child molesting? � � Beat it. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What do Janet and Michael Jackson have in common? � � They both like boys. � �-------------------------------------------------------------------- � � What did the 12-year old say as he dried his butt after a bath? � � Will Mikey like it? � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸