кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 9       July, 1994     л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  The Psychic Network On Cable                                л     Г
Г     л  1995 Car Models Advertised According To                     л     Г
Г     л       Truth-In-Advertising Laws                              л     Г
Г     л  Life, The Universe, And Leftover Stuff                      л     Г
Г     л  Advertisement For The Alfred E. Neuman                      л     Г
Г     л       School Of Advanced Dorkistry                           л     Г
Г     л  Old McDonald Had A Farm (90's Version)                      л     Г
Г     л  Jokes! Jokes! Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the 9th issue of ROTFL Digest! Due to circumstances        Г
Г    beyond my control (mainly, aliens kidnapped me and tried to           Г
Г    force me to confess that I know the whereabouts of Elvis - I          Г
Г    told them to get a shovel and start digging, then let me know         Г
Г    what comes up) ROTFL Digest has been delayed for a few months.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it  Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file  Г    Г
Г     Г or emailed to louis.illes@canrem.com.                         Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited.         Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Violators will have a medium rare steak with a side dish      Г    Г
Г     Г of carrots and broccoli driven through their hearts in a      Г    Г
Г     Г 1965 Chevy.                                                   Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THIS THIEF REALLY SUCKS                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Indianapolis, Ind. - A bandit broke into at least five homes       Г
Г       and stole pacifier, rattles, teething rings, and diapers. It       Г
Г       can only be assumed that the babies had no candy to take.          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       NO REST FOR THE WEARY                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Jacksonville, Fla. - A young welder was arrested after every       Г
Г       tenant on the floor of his apartment building signed a complaint   Г
Г       saying that his snoring was disturbing the peace.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       OF "CORES" IT'S TRUE, OFFICER                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Ulm, Germany - 16-year old Lina Scheyder got a chunk of apple      Г
Г       stuck in her windpipe while she and her boyfriend were at a        Г
Г       scenic area. He slapped her on the back, knocking her to her       Г
Г       death in a ravine 2,000 feet below.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       LET IT ALL HANG OUT...                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Tokyo, Japan - Michiko Hagiwara won $2,990. in damages because     Г
Г       the three dresses she bought from a boutique fit too snugly.       Г
Г       Mrs. Hagiwara testified that the manager promised the dresses      Г
Г       would be let out and ready for her to wear on an upcoming trip     Г
Г       to Austria but the work was not done when she picked them up.      Г
Г       Mrs. Hagiwara wore the dresses anyway, then filed suit upon her    Г
Г       return to Japan. Apparently, the thought of liposuction didn't     Г
Г       occur to her...                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHAT A WAY TO GO                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Munich, Germany - Peter Golz got drunk on his 30th birthday        Г
Г       and dived naked into an 8,000 gallon vat of beer. Mr. Golz was     Г
Г       so drunk that he forgot that he couldn't swim, and drowned in      Г
Г       the beer. This reminds ROTFL Digest of that joke: "I'm sorry to    Г
Г       tell you that your husband drowned in a vat of beer." "I suppose   Г
Г       his death was quick and painless?" "I don't know about that - he   Г
Г       got out 3 times to go to the bathroom!"                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       HEY, MOSES! WANT A LIFT?                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Aurora, Ind. - When Aurora Schuck died of cancer in 1989, her      Г
Г       husband Ray had her buried in her '76 red Cadillac El Dorado.      Г
Г       Said Mr. Schuck, "I had the oil changed and filled the gas tank    Г
Г       because I didn't want Aurora to have any trouble getting to where  Г
Г       she was going." Mr. Schuck continued, "Some people might think     Г
Г       I'm crazy." (All in favor, say aye! ROTFL Digest heard that you    Г
Г       can get great mileage in the hereafter...)                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       QUICK AND EASY NO-COST SURGERY                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Mexico City, Mexico - 34-year old Jose Mazcinco took a chain saw   Г
Г       and cut off his arm in the middle of a downtown market - to get    Г
Г       rid of a tattoo. Mazcinco told police the name of his former       Г
Г       girlfriend, Maria, was tattooed on his forearm and, when she broke Г
Г       up with him, he couldn't stand seeing the name anymore and wanted  Г
Г       to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Just a thought: Couldn't  Г
Г       he find another girl in Mexico named Maria???                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THIS IS WHY THE CHURCH NEEDS MONEY                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Six out of ten American churchgoers have admitted taking money     Г
Г       from the collection plate at least once since 1980. Three out of   Г
Г       ten later gave the cash back, with interest. It can only be        Г
Г       presumed that the rest are going to Hell.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THIS IS NOT THE BEST WAY TO GET ATTENTION                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Madrid, Spain - 58-year old Ernesto Chavis cut off his legs with   Г
Г       a chain saw - because he wanted attention. Chavis said, "Maybe     Г
Г       now people will know who I am." ROTFL Digest believes that when    Г
Г       someone asks about Ernesto, people will say, "You mean Ol'         Г
Г       Pegleg?" so it's likely that he'll be remembered, but not the      Г
Г       way he would like...                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       THE PSYCHIC NETWORK ON CABLE:                                      Г
Г       =============================                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why call a psychic... let them call you Dept.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SPECIALTY TV SHOWS THAT NO ONE DARED WATCH:                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The Favorite TV Shows Of British Psychics:                         Г
Г       What the channels across the Channel are                           Г
Г       channelling.                                                       Г
Г       Hosted by: Someone you've never heard of.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Short Escaped Convict Psychics And What They Eat:                  Г
Г       Small mediums at large with extra cheese                           Г
Г       and mushrooms.                                                     Г
Г       Hosted by: A telepathic Domino's delivery boy.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Vegetarianism As A Lifestyle: Lettuce live!                        Г
Г       Hosted by: The cows.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A Penny For Your Thoughts: But I can't make change.                Г
Г       Hosted by: A cynical psychic.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I Am Not A Crook: Jeanne Dixon channels Richard                    Г
Г       Nixon.                                                             Г
Г       Hosted by: Jeanne "I am not a psychic" Dixon                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Let Me Guess: An international television game show                Г
Г       in which psychics try to guess the color of the                    Г
Г       audience's underwear.                                              Г
Г       Hosted by: Ramtha (c) J.Z. Knight                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       You Have Lived Before And Will Live Again!:                        Г
Г       Reincarnation is discussed as reality.                             Г
Г       Hosted by: Napoleon Bonaparte.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Psychic News: Television news in which our panel of                Г
Г       psychics predict what will be on the CBS Evening                   Г
Г       News.                                                              Г
Г       Hosted by: Shirley "Don't touch that channel, I'm                  Г
Г       channelling!" MacLaine.                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       1995 CAR MODELS ADVERTISED ACCORDING TO                            Г
Г       TRUTH-IN-ADVERTISING LAWS:                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Honda Delude: It looks like a car, it costs the same               Г
Г       as a car, but if you think it's actually a car, you're             Г
Г       deluding yourself.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Honda Civil: It's a polite car. After the horn                     Г
Г       farts, it always excuses itself.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Ford Taurus: Taurus is the bull, and that's what                   Г
Г       we've been using to confuse consumers - lots of                    Г
Г       bull! - since this car was first introduced.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Ford Resort: We'll resort to anything to convince                  Г
Г       you - the gullible consumer with minimal cash flow -               Г
Г       to buy this heap of nuts and bolts.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Ford Bronco: It's a 4x4 throwback to the dinosaur                  Г
Г       days when you get behind the wheel of this baby.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Fort Escort: A babe in a bikini straddling this heap               Г
Г       is the only thing that can convince you to buy it.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Cadillac Seville: None of our technicians knew how                 Г
Г       to spell Civil. Plus the darned Japanese already                   Г
Г       stole the name (or was that a Civic?).                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Mazda Miaplasm: It's a combination of myopia and                   Г
Г       sciatica when you sit uncomfortably behind the wheel               Г
Г       of this convertible. We dare you to believe it's a                 Г
Г       luxury car once you find out the only air bag is                   Г
Г       behind the wheel!                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND LEFTOVER STUFF                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       By Sandy Illes                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I applied for a job today. I want to be the person who             Г
Г       coughs in the cinema.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Have you ever noticed how many dirty words you can                 Г
Г       spell with Alpha-Bits? My nephew spelled out the                   Г
Г       words "f*ck off," then ate the evidence before his                 Г
Г       mother could see it. I got even by holding his head                Г
Г       in the cereal bowl and saying, "No, no, no! That's                 Г
Г       not how Jacques Cousteau breathes underwater!"                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       My sister offered me a cup of tea. I told her no                   Г
Г       thanks, I had all the t's I wanted in the bowl of                  Г
Г       Alpha-Bits.                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I've decided to stop drinking caffeine. Now I'm                    Г
Г       going to have it pumped into my veins intravenously.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I always root for the guy who's losing. Every week I               Г
Г       hope Wile E. Coyote will catch the Road Runner. Ever               Г
Г       wonder what Wile E. would do if he actually caught                 Г
Г       the Road Runner? I think he'd drop an anvil on his                 Г
Г       own head just because of Skinner's research.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Star Trek is pretty cool. I can't help wondering,                  Г
Г       though, how come no one ever sets his phaser on fricassee?         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I like to watch baseball but I can't help wondering                Г
Г       when I see the stats. Like, some guy is batting .300               Г
Г       and the crowd is cheering wildly. If I only did my                 Г
Г       job well 1 time out of 3, I think I'd be fired. And                Г
Г       what about those guys who grab their crotch? Why do                Г
Г       they do that? Do they have to take crotch-grabbing                 Г
Г       lessons from Michael Jackson or what? Or maybe it's                Г
Г       the laundry the team uses: The Fleabag Coin-Op                     Г
Г       Laundromat - We'll Give You Something To Scratch                   Г
Г       About."                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I also like to watch hockey. It's fun to guess how                 Г
Г       many of the teeth they flash while talking to the                  Г
Г       sports interviewer are actually their own.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I always wanted to do something different so I'm                   Г
Г       practicing to be dyslexic.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It's good that Chretien finally became prime                       Г
Г       minister of Canada. He's a politician who only talks               Г
Г       out of one side of his mouth at a time.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I can't help but like Bill Clinton. I bet he could                 Г
Г       spell potato. Well, okay, but I bet he could eat                   Г
Г       one.                                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I'm taking coughing lessons. I practice at home in                 Г
Г       my spare time by inhaling secondhand smoke.                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It's not whether you win or lose - it's if anyone                  Г
Г       else notices if you win or lose.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Have you ever seen a really fat lady walking down                  Г
Г       the street eating an ice cream cone and thought,                   Г
Г       "You don't need that!" I thought so. No wonder                     Г
Г       people are starving in Africa - the ice cream melts                Г
Г       before it gets there.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When I was a kid I told my friend, "Your baby sister               Г
Г       looks like a monkey." She said, "No, she looks like                Г
Г       a chimpanzee."                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Is anything sacred anymore? Not if I can help it!                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Advertisement                                                      Г
Г       -------------                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I graduated from the Alfred E. Neuman School Of                    Г
Г       Advanced Dorkistry and you can too, if you sign up                 Г
Г       today!                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What is Dorkistry? It's the ability to change your                 Г
Г       mind when your feet stink, even though you should                  Г
Г       have changed your socks.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It's the ability to say, "What, me worry?" when your               Г
Г       mind is incapable of holding onto a thought.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It's the ability to watch zits erupting on your face               Г
Г       in gym class and remember that you wanted to pick up               Г
Г       a Big Mac with extra special sauce on the way home                 Г
Г       from school.                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Yes, Dorkistry is not for everyone! It's a special                 Г
Г       skill reserved only for those people with enough                   Г
Г       money to pay for the course!                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       How much will this course cost me, you ask. How much               Г
Г       money do you have, we answer!                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Call 1-800-IMA-DORK today and ask for our free                     Г
Г       pamphlet, which is the only thing you'll ever                      Г
Г       receive from us for free! That's 1-800-IMA-DORK!                   Г
Г       Yes, 1-800-IMA-DORK!                                               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM (90'S VERSION)                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Old McDonald had a farm                                            Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       And on that farm he had some cows                                  Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       With a Quarter Pounder here                                        Г
Г       And a Big Mac there                                                Г
Г       Here a burger                                                      Г
Г       There a burger                                                     Г
Г       Everywhere he had a burger                                         Г
Г       Old McDonald had a farm                                            Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Old McDonald killed a cow                                          Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       He cut its throat just like a sow                                  Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       Glue factory gets the feet                                         Г
Г       Butcher gets the seat                                              Г
Г       (for a rump steak)                                                 Г
Г       Entrails aren't very neat                                          Г
Г       They're dogfood (with real cow meat!)                              Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Old McDonald sold the parts                                        Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       But he couldn't sell the hearts                                    Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       He called the hearts "McValentine"                                 Г
Г       People bought them and said, "Please be mine"                      Г
Г       Children begged for more dead cow                                  Г
Г       Wrapped in buns and ready now                                      Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Some poor cow had to die for this                                  Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г       A lunch that I'd be glad to miss                                   Г
Г       E I E I O                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г  кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП   Г
Г  Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES Г   Г
Г  РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Bestsellers:                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope                               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  What's red and white and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?              Г
Г  His wall.                                                               Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man was selling his dog and his neighbour came over to make an offer.  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I was a stand-in for Lassie for many years in the movies," said the     Г
Г dog.                                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Wow!" said the neighbour.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "And I was once the most famous dog in vaudeville," said the dog.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Amazing!" said the neighbour.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "And I flew an air force bomber in WWII," said the dog.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I can't believe it!" said the neighbour. Then he turned to the owner    Г
Г and said, "Why are you getting rid of a talking dog?"                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Well," replied the owner, "I'm tired of his lies."                      Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г In a busy airport a rich man goes up to a man carrying two heavy         Г
Г suitcases and asks what time it is.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What time is it where?" asks the man.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What do you mean?" asks the rich man.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Well, I built this watch all by myself and it tells the exact time for  Г
Г 1,000 cities around the world," replies the man.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г"Really!" says the rich man. "My son would love something like that! How  Г
Г much would you sell it to me for?"                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Oh, it's not for sale."                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I'll give you $10,000 for it!"                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Sorry, it's really not for sale."                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "I'll give you $50,000 for it! I must have that watch!"                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The man thinks for a bit and decides he could really use $50,000.        Г
Г "Okay," he replies, "the watch is yours."                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The rich man takes the watch and as he starts to leave the man holds out Г
Г the two heavy suitcases and says, "Excuse me, don't you want the         Г
Г batteries?"                                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man walked into a bar and after a few drinks, noticed a machine        Г
Г sitting in a far corner of the bar.  He wandered up, and read the        Г
Г sign on the machine.  It said: Fortunes told with urine samples.         Г
Г He figured what's he got to lose.  He pisses in the cup and drops in     Г
Г 25 cents.  The machine hums and whistles a little and spits out a        Г
Г piece of paper which reads: You will go blind! The man starts            Г
Г ranting and raving, this machine is a joke, and I'll prove it. He        Г
Г goes home and collects urine samples from his wife, daughter,and dog     Г
Г and a little motor oil from his car, and just for fun decides to         Г
Г masturbate in the mixture.  The next day he returns to the machine,      Г
Г drops the concoction into it, and deposits another quarter.  The         Г
Г machine hums and whistles some more and spits out this piece of          Г
Г paper:  Your wife is screwing the milkman, your daughter is              Г
Г pregnant, your dog has fleas, your car needs a tuneup, and if you        Г
Г don't stop jerking off, you're gonna go blind!                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so fat she runs on diesel.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so fat she bleeds gravy.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so dumb she thought softball was a venereal disease.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so fat, her school picture was an aerial picture.           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the sofa.           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Yo momma is so dumb, she had to stop breast-feeding because             Г
Г  it hurt to boil the nipples.                                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г More Bestsellers:                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The Yellow River by I.P. Freely                                          Г
Г Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts                                     Г
Г Defeat of a Lion Tamer by Claude Bottom                                  Г
Г The Tigers Revenge by Claude Balls                                       Г
Г 50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit and Betty Dont                 Г
Г The Ruptured Chinaman by Wun Hung Lo                                     Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did You Hear About The Polish Carpool?                                Г
Г A. They All Meet At Work.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did You Hear About The Pole Prisoner Who Was Found Dead With Two      Г
Г    Dozen Bumps On His Head?                                              Г
Г A. He Tried To Hang Himself With A Rubber Band.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did You Hear About The Pole Terrorist Sent To Blow Up A Car?          Г
Г A. He Burned His Mouth On The Tailpipe.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did You Hear About The Pole Who Won A Gold Metal In The Olympics?     Г
Г A. He Took It Home And Got In Bronzed.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did You Hear How The Polish Hockey Team Drowned?                      Г
Г A. Spring Training!                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Have You Heard About The Polish 500 Car Race?                         Г
Г A. The First Car To Start Wins.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The      Г
Г first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a       Г
Г shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty      Г
Г exciting.                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire    Г
Г at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm        Г
Г windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded       Г
Г pretty exciting.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker. One night I     Г
Г got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.     Г
Г When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I    Г
Г knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old   Г
Г broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could." The old man Г
Г paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong   Г
Г damn room!"                                                              Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г The man had just laid the living room carpet and was reaching into his   Г
Г shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes.  But they weren't there.          Г
Г Looking at the newly installed carpet, he noticed a three-inch lump in   Г
Г the middle of the floor.  Obviously, the pack had fallen out of his      Г
Г pocket.  He had no desire to pull up the carpet to retrieve it, so he    Г
Г took his little hammer and went "tap-tap-tap-tap" until the floor was    Г
Г perfectly flat.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Realizing that this was not really a professional way to do things, he   Г
Г decided to bluff his way through when his wife came home.  "I wonder     Г
Г where my cigarettes went?" he muttered innocently.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "They're right there on the kitchen cabinet," she answered.  "What       Г
Г puzzles me is, what happened to the parakeet?"                           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man went to the hospital to have an examination done. When he came backГ
Г for the results, the doctor told him, "I have some good news and some badГ
Г news."                                                                   Г
Г "Well, give me the good news first," the man says.                       Г
Г "The good news is that your penis has grown two inches."                 Г
Г "That's great! What's the bad news?"                                     Г
Г "It's malignant."                                                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г OJ Simpson Jokes:                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What does BILLS stand for?                                               Г
Г Boy                                                                      Г
Г I                                                                        Г
Г Love                                                                     Г
Г Life                                                                     Г
Г Sentences                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What does OJ stand for?                                                  Г
Г Overtly                                                                  Г
Г Jealous                                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г When people saw OJ running through the airport, they thought he was      Г
Г just making another Hertz commercial.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What were Mrs. Simpson's last words?                                     Г
Г "OJ! It Hertz!"                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What will Mike Tyson have for breakfast tomorrow in prison?              Г
Г A little bit of OJ.                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Hertz said today that they completely support O.J. To show their         Г
Г support they are slashing rental car prices to the bone.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What is the difference between O.J. and Tang?                            Г
Г Tang won't kill you.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Why did O.J. quit playing Professional Football?   He wanted to take     Г
Г a stab at something else.                                                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Why Can't Gypsies Have Children?                                      Г
Г A. Because All The Men Have Crystal Balls.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Why Are Delorean Autos Being Banned In The United States?             Г
Г A. They Keep Trying To Suck The White Line Up Off The Roads!             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Whats A Cannibal's Favorite Game??                                    Г
Г A. Swallow The Leader.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What's The Difference Between A Vacuum Cleaner And A Harley Davidson  Г
Г    Motorcycle?                                                           Г
Г A. With The Vacuum Cleaner The Dirtbag Is On The Inside.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What Should You Do If An Epileptic Has A Seizure In Your Bathtub?     Г
Г A. Throw In Your Laundry.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What Kind Of Tires Does A Delorean Have?                              Г
Г A. Snow Tires.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What Is The Difference Between An Oral And A Rectal Thermometer?      Г
Г A. The Taste.                                                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г More On OJ Simpson:                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?                           Г
Г   They both have O.J. in a can.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract.                Г
Г   Only now he's making license plates for them.                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  A bunch of monks made a living by selling flowers to the villagers.     Г
Г  Unfortunately, the villagers didn't like this because the monks sold    Г
Г  the flowers at gunpoint. One day, one of the villagers decided to call  Г
Г  upon his big city cousin named Hugh - who was a lawyer - to help them.  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Hugh fought the case in court and won.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  The moral of the story is:                                              Г
Г  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.                        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г And Yet More On OJ Simpson:                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What does OJ stand for?  ........................ Orange Jumpsuit        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Why did the Simpsons get divorced? .......  because OJ's a backstabber   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What do the People of the State of California and Mexican                Г
Г food have in common?                                                     Г
Г Both may give O.J. gas!                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Why did O.J. deserve his nickname in college?                            Г
Г He used to beat his girlfriends to a pulp.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How did the LAPD get a confession from OJ?                               Г
Г They squeezed it out of him.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What did Michael Jackson say to OJ Simpson?                              Г
Г Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Early in O.J.'s career he was a tight end.                               Г
Г After he gets out of jail, he'll be a wide receiver.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What does O.J. stand for?                                                Г
Г Open Jugular                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Who holds the NFL record for the most number of murders in a single      Г
Г season?                                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Jeffery Dahmer's mother comes over to his house for dinner and          Г
Г  remarks that she really doesn't like his neighbors.                     Г
Г      "Try the salad then," he replies.                                   Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй