кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 10    August, 1994     л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  True Silly Stories From Around The World                    л     Г
Г     л  SPAM - The Many Uses                                        л     Г
Г     л  Advertisement - The Only Diet You'll Ever Need              л     Г
Г     л  The Cyberspace Mental Health Quiz Part I                    л     Г
Г     л  The Cyberspace Mental Health Quiz Part II                   л     Г
Г     л  OJ Simpson Looking For A "Twinkie" Defence                  л     Г
Г     л  Special Section Of OJ Simpson Jokes!                        л     Г
Г     л  MS-DOS 99.3                                                 л     Г
Г     л  Jokes! Jokes! Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the 10th issue of ROTFL Digest! We're still hanging        Г
Г    around and hoping to bring a laugh or two into your day!              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it  Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. Г    Г
Г     Г Email to louis.illes@canrem.com                               Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited.         Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Violators will have a medium rare steak with a side dish      Г    Г
Г     Г of carrots and broccoli driven through their hearts in a      Г    Г
Г     Г 1965 Chevy.                                                   Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г             кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП                 Г
Г             Г True Silly Stories From Around The World Г                 Г
Г             РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       STALLONE FLEXES HIS BRAIN                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hollywood, California - Sylvester Stallone has had it with         Г
Г       California crime and earthquakes and is looking to move to         Г
Г       England. "California has lost its allure for me," says             Г
Г       Stallone, "Socially it is in big trouble, economically it          Г
Г       is a disaster." This from the guy who has made countless           Г
Г       millions in California regardless of his lack of actual            Г
Г       acting ability...!                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       AND IF YOU BELIEVE THIS, I HAVE A BRIDGE I CAN SELL YOU            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Poona, India - Six men were hospitalized with illness after        Г
Г       taking a pill that a local doctor promised would make them         Г
Г       invisible. ROTFL Digest assumes they'll be transferred to the      Г
Г       psychiatric ward when well enough, since only a moron would        Г
Г       believe such a thing as an invisibility pill exists.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       UNSPORTSMAN CONDUCT PART I                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Havana, Cuba - 24-year old boxing contender Julio Torona was       Г
Г       banned from the sport after referees discovered thumbtacks in      Г
Г       his gloves. Torona claimed the gloves were new and the tacks       Г
Г       must have come from packaging material. Officials - in a           Г
Г       moment of lucidity - refused to believe this.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       UNSPORTSMAN CONDUCT PART II                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Oslo, Norway - 19-year old Brigitte Brundtland has sued            Г
Г       organizers of a beauty pageant, claiming she was discriminated     Г
Г       against because she's "dentally challenged." Ms. Brundtland        Г
Г       has buck teeth. She claims that she has a more attractive face,    Г
Г       a better figure, prettier hair and skin, and much more talent      Г
Г       than the other contestants. Doubtless, she forgot to mention       Г
Г       modesty.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHAT'LL THEY STEAL NEXT???                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Bogota, Colombia - 19-year old Hector Rodriguez was sentenced      Г
Г       to two years in prison after pleading guilty to breaking into      Г
Г       a neighbour's outhouse and stealing her supply of toilet           Г
Г       paper. "You can't get any lower than that," said Judge Manuel      Г
Г       Lopez Peroza. ROTFL Digest thinks you certainly CAN get lower      Г
Г       than that... heck, what if he stole used toilet paper and ate      Г
Г       it, huh? That would be lower... :)                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHAT'S IN A NAME?                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Marble Bar, Australia - The two most decorated cops in this        Г
Г       town are named Robert Crook and James Lawless.                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "ST. PETER, I DREAMT I WAS HAVING A DRINK OF WATER..."             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Auckland, New Zealand - 26-year old Reggie Brewster was found      Г
Г       facedown in a small puddle of water in his waterbed. The bed       Г
Г       had sprung a leak after being punctured and Reggie drowned.        Г
Г       It just goes to show you that nothing is safe anymore!             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       INSANE LAWSUITS PART I                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Orange County, California - An unnamed woman won $649,000.         Г
Г       when she claimed in her lawsuit that a car accident had made       Г
Г       her breast cancer worse.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       INSANE LAWSUITS PART II                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Cornwall, Conn. - An unidentified man who had gotten drunk at      Г
Г       a wedding decided to call a friend to give him a ride home.        Г
Г       While on the phone, he lost his balance, fell down some stairs,    Г
Г       and became paralyzed from the neck down. He sued the phone         Г
Г       company and collected damages of 7.47 million dollars!             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       INSANE LAWSUITS PART III                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Miami, Florida - A Miami woman who was drinking and snorting       Г
Г       cocaine set fire to herself when she tried to light a charcoal     Г
Г       stove with gasoline and spilled some on her clothing. She sued     Г
Г       the owner of the house where the accident occurred and             Г
Г       collected $250,000.                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       GUESS HE NEVER HEARD OF CHEWING GUM...                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Rotterdam, Netherlands - 50-year old Dr. Peter Bakel lost his      Г
Г       job after chain-smoking through a delicate heart operation on      Г
Г       74-year old Yolanda Caarten. Said Nurse Bettie Serphos, "It        Г
Г       was dangerous. He not only endangered the patient's life, but      Г
Г       ours as well. With the oxygen tanks so close, we could all have    Г
Г       died in an explosion. He smoked those awful cigarettes right       Г
Г       down to the nub right through his surgical mask. He even burned    Г
Г       a hole in his bloody glove when he took one out of his mouth to    Г
Г       dump his ashes. The floor was littered with butts. He leaned       Г
Г       over to reach for a clamp and an ash fell into the patient's       Г
Г       incision. That was the last straw."                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In his defence, Dr. Bakel said, "I operate better when I smoke.    Г
Г       There was no real danger. I was at least three feet from the       Г
Г       oxygen. And I wiped the ash out of the incision right away.        Г
Г       It's this anti-smoking movement of the 90's that cost me my        Г
Г       job."                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The patient has made a complete recovery and refuses to sue        Г
Г       the hospital or the doctor. "The man saved my life," said Mrs.     Г
Г       Caarten.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       IT'S A STRANGE WORLD AFTER ALL                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Naples, Italy - A worldwide survey of third-year high school       Г
Г       students indicated that 53 percent of them think the sun is        Г
Г       an inhabited planet. 41 percent also believed that World War       Г
Г       II was fought between France and London. 38 percent think          Г
Г       Adolph Hitler is a kind of German food.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE INDEED                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Magdeburg, Germany - 22-year old Berbel Rausch is suing            Г
Г       inventor Klaus Wirtenstein because she tested his experimental     Г
Г       electric hairbrush and it ripped out half of her hair. She         Г
Г       wants $250,000. to make her forget the "Brush-O-Matic."            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SHOULDN'T THEY HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN?                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Munich, Germany - A judge has ruled professional psychics          Г
Г       cannot be allowed to perform jury duty - because they would be     Г
Г       able to read the witnesses' minds and cause automatic              Г
Г       mistrials. Several psychics said they'd appeal the decision        Г
Г       but none of them indicated if they would win.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THAT'S ONE TOUGH GOLF COURSE                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       West Palm Beach, Florida - 42-year old Louis Mannion was           Г
Г       retrieving golf balls from a lake when an 11-foot alligator        Г
Г       attacked him and nearly ripped his foot off.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL THEY MAKE STUPIDITY A CRIME???                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Perth, Australia - A 46-year old unnamed man who was missing       Г
Г       for three days was found locked in the trunk of his car. The       Г
Г       man admitted to cops that he'd accidentally locked himself in      Г
Г       the trunk while cleaning it.                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A BURNING NEED TO COMMIT A ROBBERY                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Greenville, S.C. - 20 boxes of Preparation H were stolen from      Г
Г       a department store by a skinny man wearing glasses who             Г
Г       threatened a clerk with a knife. "I hope he fixed what ailed       Г
Г       him," said Sheriff's Lt. Sam Simmons, "We haven't had other        Г
Г       Preparation H thefts, so maybe he did."                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SPAM - The Many Uses!         by Sandy Illes                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       While many people consider SPAM to be nothing more                 Г
Г       than luncheon meat, the chosen few know that SPAM                  Г
Г       has many, many other uses.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Perhaps least well known of these uses is SPAM                     Г
Г       enemas. Sure, it hurts, but only for a few days, and               Г
Г       the benefits are enormous if you survive the enema.                Г
Г       SPAM has been known to cure baldness, heal broken                  Г
Г       bones, and even cause regressions in advanced cases                Г
Г       of senility.                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SPAM makes a great foundation for a garage you may                 Г
Г       be building, due to its tough, pork-like nature.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Pranksters will love this one: Shove SPAM up your                  Г
Г       nose then tell people, "Oh my God, my brains are                   Г
Г       seeping out!"                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       New Ages SPAM users will know exactly what I'm                     Г
Г       talking about when I say to replace your crystal                   Г
Г       ball with a SPAM ball. After you've told the future,               Г
Г       you can eat the evidence!                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When mixed with (s)lime Jello (tm) and shaped                      Г
Г       properly, SPAM makes a great SPAM-mer, hammering                   Г
Г       in nails as well as a real hammer.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       For crazy people, SPAM can be shaped into a weapon                 Г
Г       and help you build a reputation as a SPAM-icidal                   Г
Г       maniac.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Genetic engineering, of course, can alter your                     Г
Г       spermatozoa to become SPAM-atoza. It may be a slight               Г
Г       problem raising a SPAM from infancy but bear with                  Г
Г       it, it's been good to the Hormel company.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       For the housekeepers among us, we recommend                        Г
Г       SPAM-itizing your carpet. This works much better                   Г
Г       than sanitizing because it kills every living thing                Г
Г       it touches on contact.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Parents, are you tired of paying too much for paper                Г
Г       diapers? Why not use SPAM-pers? Not only are they                  Г
Г       inexpensive, but they only need to be changed every                Г
Г       second week!                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       So there you have it. SPAM is more than a source of                Г
Г       questionable nourishment - it's an all-purpose                     Г
Г       substance that can help you with almost any                        Г
Г       situation around the house!                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г  Advertisement                                                           Г
Г  -------------                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
Г       Negative eating habits are punished, of course,                    Г
Г       using the following criteria:                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Twinkies   - Flesh wound                                           Г
Г       Ice cream  - Gunshot wound to left kidney                          Г
Г       Cheesecake - Left knee is "capped"                                 Г
Г       Chocolate  - Gunshot wound to right kidney                         Г
Г       Candies    - Right knee is "capped"                                Г
Г       Chips      - Gunshot wound to left arm                             Г
Г       Cookies    - Gunshot wound to right arm                            Г
Г       Pizza      - Gunshot wound to neck                                 Г
Г       Hot dogs   - Gunshot wound to left foot                            Г
Г       Hamburgers - Gunshot wound to right foot                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
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Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       THE CYBERSPACE MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ, PART I    By Sandy Illes        Г
Г       =========================================                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Do you worry when you call home and you're not                     Г
Г       there?                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (a) Only if I answer the phone.                                    Г
Г       (b) Only if a burglar answers the phone.                           Г
Г       (c) Only if my dog answers the phone and starts                    Г
Г           talking about quantum mechanics.                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Have you ever been kidnapped by aliens?                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (a) Not recently.                                                  Г
Г       (b) I'm answering this quiz via telepathy from the                 Г
Г           mother ship.                                                   Г
Г       (c) Not by aliens... but definitely by zombie                      Г
Г           androids from the planet Preparation H.                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       When asked to draw the circumference of a circle, do               Г
Г       you:                                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (a) Get a bucket to draw circumferences from the circle?           Г
Г       (b) Get a pencil and draw some squiggles that you                  Г
Г           mistakenly believe could be interpreted as a                   Г
Г           circumference by anyone lacking basic knowledge?               Г
Г       (c) Get a protractor and immediately poke out your                 Г
Г           left eyeball?                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       THE CYBERSPACE MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ , PART II  By Sandy Illes        Г
Г       ===========================================                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Answer True or False to each of the following                      Г
Г       questions:                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (1) I have never poked out somebody's eyeball.                     Г
Г       (2) I have never poked out somebody's eyeball on                   Г
Г           purpose.                                                       Г
Г       (3) I have poked out one of my own eyes.                           Г
Г       (4) I have poked out the eyeballs of small living                  Г
Г           creatures.                                                     Г
Г       (5) I think eyeball poking is over-rated.                          Г
Г       (6) I live to poke out eyeballs.                                   Г
Г       (7) I have never eaten SPAM.                                       Г
Г       (8) I have eaten SPAM at gunpoint.                                 Г
Г       (9) I willingly ate SPAM for the hallucinogenic                    Г
Г           effects of the many chemicals contained in the                 Г
Г           product.                                                       Г
Г      (10) I once used SPAM to make the foundation for a                  Г
Г           garage.                                                        Г
Г      (11) I worship SPAM.                                                Г
Г      (12) I think SPAM is under-rated.                                   Г
Г      (13) I think SPAM is not given enough credit for its                Г
Г           usefulness in situations that do not involve                   Г
Г           eating mystery meat products.                                  Г
Г      (14) My computer is secretly in love with me.                       Г
Г      (15) My computer is secretly Elvis.                                 Г
Г      (16) My computer has been kidnapped by aliens and                   Г
Г           replaced with a Commodore 64.                                  Г
Г      (17) My computer hates me and is trying to kill me.                 Г
Г      (18) My computer is powered by weak hamsters.                       Г
Г      (19) My computer allows me to communicate with David                Г
Г           Koresh.                                                        Г
Г      (20) No one has ever been able to substantiate those                Г
Г           charges of insanity against me.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Pick the answer that best indicates your attitude:                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I enjoy burying small animals in SPAM pits.                        Г
Г       (a) Yes.                                                           Г
Г       (b) No.                                                            Г
Г       (c) Only when the moon is as full as my hard drive                 Г
Г           and I can't download.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I have never seen Elvis.                                           Г
Г       (a) Yes.                                                           Г
Г       (b) No.                                                            Г
Г       (c) Elvis is living in my fridge.                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I have never locked myself inside my car.                          Г
Г       (a) Yes.                                                           Г
Г       (b) No.                                                            Г
Г       (c) Just that one time and I couldn't call 911 on my               Г
Г           cellular phone because I forgot the number.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       I enjoy collecting used Kleenex.                                   Г
Г       (a) Yes.                                                           Г
Г       (b) No.                                                            Г
Г       (c) I gave it up because used toilet paper is much                 Г
Г           more readily available.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г              OJ SIMPSON LOOKING FOR A "TWINKIE" DEFENCE                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Los Angeles, Calif. - OJ Simpson, having setup a toll free         Г
Г       number to invite members of the public to perjure themselves       Г
Г       on his behalf for a big reward, has now invited members of         Г
Г       the public to come up with an original defence on his behalf.      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       It seems that Simpson's team of ten or more lawyers have been      Г
Г       unable to come up with anything more original than "Yes, but       Г
Г       you can't prove OJ committed the killing just because he had       Г
Г       blood on his Bronco, a bloody glove in his backyard, and blood     Г
Г       in his master bathroom." The lawyers have discussed using the      Г
Г       defence that Simpson cut himself while shaving, but even OJ's      Г
Г       mother told them to "shove that crummy idea up your sleazy,        Г
Г       overpaid asses."                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       OJ Simpson is quoted as saying, "If Lorena Bobbitt could           Г
Г       think up a defence after having admitted on national               Г
Г       television that she did it, surely someone can come up with        Г
Г       a logical explanation for why that blood was all around my         Г
Г       house!"                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Simpson is offering a reward of $500,000. dollars, plus an         Г
Г       autographed football card and a year of free Hertz car             Г
Г       rentals to the person who can come up with the most                Г
Г       plausible explanation.                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г SPECIAL SECTION OF OJ SIMPSON JOKES!                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Did you hear that during the exciting 50 mph chase down the LA freeways, Г
Г OJ got a call from Rodney King? Yeah, he told him "No matter what        Г
Г you do, man, DON'T get out of the car!"                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г KNOCK, KNOCK!                                                            Г
Г Who's there?                                                             Г
Г OJ!                                                                      Г
Г OJ who?                                                                  Г
Г CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU'RE ON THE JURY!!!                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?                        Г
Г A: They both have OJ in a can.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning.                  Г
Г I told her, "No way, mom! OJ will KILL you!"                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What is the difference between Tang and OJ?                           Г
Г A: Tang won't kill you!                                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: Why do they call him OJ?                                              Г
Г A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г OJ's got a new nickname...now it's "Toast."                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г There's a new drink out: OJ and Slice!                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: Why won't prison be that different for OJ?                            Г
Г A: He will still have big guys opening holes for him.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What's black and white and red all over?                              Г
Г A: OJ paying a visit to his ex-wife.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What is the difference between Rodney King and OJ Simpson?            Г
Г A: OJ started out with millions.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: Do you know why OJ drove around as long as he did?                    Г
Г A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called OJ in?               Г
Г A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the     Г
Г    golf tournement and see how bad his slice is.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г It was reported on the news today that a piece of evidence was found     Г
Г at the murder scene that had been dropped by the murderer and was        Г
Г positive proof that it could not have been OJ Simpson.                   Г
Г       A Super Bowl Ring.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast in prison today?                  Г
Г Bacon, Eggs, and OJ.                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г What are OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?                       Г
Г The butcher, the baker, and the license plate maker!                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What's harder than getting blood from a turnip?                    Г
Г       Getting Juice from a Bronco.                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Did you hear that Hertz Rent-A-Car is standing behind OJ?                Г
Г To show their support they are Slashing Prices to the Bone!              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Following is evidence that OJ is not the killer:                         Г
Г       1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.    Г
Г       2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.      Г
Г       3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, butГ
Г               never beating the pulp out of her.                         Г
Г       4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but   Г
Г               everyone has seen OJ concentrate.                          Г
Г       5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football        Г
Г               fan knows that OJ could never cut to the left.             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?            Г
Г   A: They are both missing a glove.                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?                       Г
Г   A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?                       Г
Г   A: It's called "Where's OJ?"                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   There once was a fellow named Simpson,                                 Г
Г   Who ran away covered in crimson.                                       Г
Г       After carving his wife,                                            Г
Г       With a "substantial knife,"                                        Г
Г   Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called OJ last night?                Г
Г   A: He wanted OJ to know that he knows what it feels like to be         Г
Г      separated from a loved one.                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: What are the three worst words to hear form OJ Simpson?             Г
Г   A: I love you.                                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г   Q: Did you hear about the new OJ Simpson breakfast special?            Г
Г   A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice.  First, you beat it, then         Г
Г      you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?      Г
Г    A: They are two things that can give OJ gas.                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating OJ Simpson's Г
Г       ex-wife?                                                           Г
Г    A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: What will Nicole Simpson be for Halloween?                         Г
Г    A: A PEZ dispenser.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and OJ Simpson?    Г
Г    A: One's a numb digger...                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: Why did OJ stab his wife?                                          Г
Г    A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost itГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Q: What do OJ and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?                      Г
Г    A: They both were arrested for abusing their loved ones.              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely       Г
Г    to take a victory lap around the city afterward.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       MS-DOS 99.3                                                        Г
Г       -----------                                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Welcome to your new, simplified MS-DOS manual!                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Thank you for choosing MS-DOS 99.3! You have wisely                Г
Г       purchased an operating system that has made Bill                   Г
Г       Gates rich and will continue to make him even                      Г
Г       richer. He'd thank you personally but he's sailing                 Г
Г       in the Bahamas on his new yacht, surrounded by                     Г
Г       beautiful money-hungry woman, and doesn't have time                Г
Г       to write anything in this introduction.                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Note that the warranty on the enclosed disks becomes               Г
Г       null and void if they are placed within five (5)                   Г
Г       feet of a computer while the packaging is removed.                 Г
Г       Whatever you do, DO NOT INSERT THESE DISKS INTO YOUR               Г
Г       COMPUTER!                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       If you have elected to ignore our standard warranty                Г
Г       disclaimer, these steps should be followed. (Please                Г
Г       note that MS-DOS is no longer under warranty once                  Г
Г       the package seal has been broken, and all steps are                Г
Г       followed at your own risk)                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Step 1:                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Open the disk packages and remove the disks.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Step 2:                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Insert them into your computer one at a time while                 Г
Г       the computer is switched on.                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Step 3:                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Type [install] while praying really, really hard                   Г
Г       that this upgrade will not affect any of the                       Г
Г       important programs you already have installed on                   Г
Г       your current MS-DOS system.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Step 4:                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       If the installation is unsuccessful, do not - we                   Г
Г       repeat DO NOT - call the MS Support Line. You have                 Г
Г       already voided the warranty by removing the disks                  Г
Г       from the packaging and we really don't care                        Г
Г       if you have lost many megs of valuable and                         Г
Г       irreplaceable information. Perhaps our next upgrade                Г
Г       will work better... who knows?                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
ГкФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФПГ
ГГ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKESГГ
ГРФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФйГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma is so ugly, they turn off the cameras when                      Г
Г she walks into a bank.                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma is so ugly, her doctor is a veterinarian.                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma is so ugly, she has to sneak up on her mirror.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г If ugliness was a crime, yo momma would get the electric chair.          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma's breath is so bad, her teeth have asbestos caps.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma is so generous, she'd give you the hair off her back.           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma's hair is such a mess, she has to take painkillers              Г
Г when she combs it.                                                       Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГPATIENT:  Nurse!!  Nurse!!  I can't feel my legs!                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГNURSE:    I know, that's because we amputated both your                   Г
Г          arms last night.                                                Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.                         Г
Г After the tests the doctor says to the man, "I'm afraid you have         Г
Г cancer and Alzheimer's disease." The man wipes his brow and says,        Г
Г "Well at least I don't have cancer...."                                  Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Two men were playing poker like they did every Saturday night. Jeff said Г
Г to Tom, "So I heard you entered a school that helps you remember         Г
Г things?" "Yep, that's right," replied Tom. "What's the name of the       Г
Г school you go to?" Jeff asked. "Umm... what is that thing that is pink   Г
Г and grows in the garden?" replied Tom.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "You mean a rose?" said Jeff.                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Yea, a rose....ROSE!!! What's the name of that remembering school       Г
Г that I go to?" shouted Tom to his wife.                                  Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГYou Know You're A Redneck When...                                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г ... your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г ... you sell rabbits out of your car.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г ... you think people who have electricity are uppity.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г ... you have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.                      Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Book Titles:                                                             Г
Г ------------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Crocodile Dundee  by Ali Gator                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Cut the Grass!    by Moses Lawn                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Do It Yourself    by Tyrone Shoelaces                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Don't Do Anything Rash by Jacques Itch                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Don't Tread On Me by  Amanda B. Reckonwith                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г East Coast Resorts by  Nan Tuckett                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Equine Leg Cramps  by  Charlie Horse                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Events In The Soviet Union by Perry Stroika                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Fallen Underwear   by  Lucy Lastic                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Foot Coverings     by  Susan Socks                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Fortune Telling    by  Crystal Ball                                      Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г I've got some good news and some bad news.                               Г
Г The good news is Rush Limbaugh died.                                     Г
Г The bad news is his wife is pregnant.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What was the chief qualification Rush looked for in a wife?           Г
Г A: The ability to support 400 lbs...                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: How many Rush Limbaughs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?         Г
Г A: Three -- One to not screw it in, one to lie about it, and one to      Г
Г blame the whole damn thing on Hillary Clinton.                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Rush goes to hell and is interviewed by the devil:                       Г
Г SATAN: So what did you do, Mr. Limbaugh?                                 Г
Г RUSH:  I tell lies for a living.                                         Г
Г SATAN: Why, so do I.                                                     Г
Г RUSH:  Yes, but mine aren't true!                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and four hundred pounds   Г
Г    of turds?                                                             Г
Г A: You can stand a turd up, so it isn't lying all the time.              Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Why Do Jewish Girls Think Prostitution Is Such Good Business?         Г
Г A. Ya Got It, Ya Sell It, Ya Still Got It!                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What's The Difference Between Jews And Pizzas?                        Г
Г A. Pizzas Don't Scream When You Put Them In The Oven.                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What's A Jewish American Princess's Definition Of Natural Childbirth? Г
Г A. No Makeup.                                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. What's A Jap's Idea Of Perfect Sex?                                   Г
Г A. Mutual Headaches.                                                     Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did you hear about the new Disco Tonya Harding is opening?            Г
Г A. It's called "Club Nancy."                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Q. Did you hear about the new musical program Tonya Harding is using for Г
Г    her next skating event?                                               Г
Г A. It's to the theme from "Inside Edition."                              Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see the future.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г I heard yo momma got a job at the airport: Sniffing luggage.             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г I heard yo momma only has three teeth. One in her mouth and              Г
Г two in her pocket.                                                       Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       An American tourist on a safari in the Sahara Desert takes a       Г
Г wrong turn and becomes hopelessly lost.  After a long morning in the hot Г
Г sun, he spots a man riding toward him on a donkey.                       Г
Г       "Please help me," cries the tourist.  "I'm dying of thirst!"       Г
Г       "I'm sorry," says the stranger.  "All I have are neckties."        Г
Г       "Neckties?" cries the tourist.  "I need WATER."                    Г
Г       "I like you," says the peddler, "and here's what I'm going to      Г
Г do.  I normally get fifteen dollars each for these ties.  But seeing as  Г
Г you're suffering, I'll let you have two of them for twenty-five bucks."  Г
Г       Whereupon the tourist turns away in disgust and walks off.         Г
Г Three hours later, he sees an oasis.   By now he's on his knees, and as  Г
Г he crawls toward it, he looks up to see a man in a tuxedo standing under Г
Г a palm tree.                                                             Г
Г       "Please," he asks, "do you have any water?"                        Г
Г       "Oh sure! PLENTY of water."                                        Г
Г       "Great, great.  Where do I go?"                                    Г
Г       "This way, sir.  The restaurant is right inside.  Unfortunately,   Г
Г I can't let you in without a tie."                                       Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida.   Г
Г       "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if     Г
Г you carry a flashlight?"                                                 Г
Г       "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the      Г
Г flashlight."                                                             Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г How does Rush Limbaugh change a lightbulb?                               Г
Г He doesn't. He attempts to embarrass the president into changing it -    Г
Г whether it needs to be changed or not.                                   Г
Г--------------------------------------------------------------------------Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Yo momma is so crosseyed she dropped a dime and picked up 2 nickels.  Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй