кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л       ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 12    October, 1994    л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л    Published by Access Media Systems                         л     Г
Г     л    Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes  л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г     л  Contents:                                                   л     Г
Г     л                                                              л     Г
Г     л  Editorial                                                   л     Г
Г     л  Likely Stories!                                             л     Г
Г     л  (Formerly True Silly Stories From Around The World)         л     Г
Г     л  Collective Nouns                                            л     Г
Г     л  What Parents Say - What They Mean                           л     Г
Г     л  The (Very Short) Lunatic Test                               л     Г
Г     л  Richard Platel Muses About SPAM                             л     Г
Г     л  How Star Trek Would Handle Meaningless Message Threads      л     Г
Г     л  What Happens When Star Trek Fans Lose Their Minds           л     Г
Г     л  The Gullibility Quiz                                        л     Г
Г     л  Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        л     Г
Г     лллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Editorial                                                             Г
Г    ---------                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    Welcome to the 12th issue of ROTFL Digest! Well, we're still around   Г
Г    and desperately trying to think of an editorial to fill this little   Г
Г    space. Oh, it's filled already! What do you know!                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          Г
Г    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         Г
Г    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
ГААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААААГ
Г                                                                          Г
Г     кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it  Г    Г
Г     Г remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may Г    Г
Г     Г be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. Г    Г
Г     Г Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  Sandy Illes 1:250/710    Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    Г    Г
Г     Г without the express written consent of the publishers.        Г    Г
Г     Г                                                               Г    Г
Г     Г Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.         Г    Г
Г     Г                                     ^^^^                      Г    Г
Г     Г Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of         Г    Г
Г     Г our fists.                                                    Г    Г
Г     РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г       LIKELY STORIES!                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       (Formerly True Silly Stories From Around The World)                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       NOW HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THAT?                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       According to the World Health Organization, people make love       Г
Г       more than 100 million times a day. No mention was made as to       Г
Г       how many people had headaches.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SURE, WE CAN TAKE A MESSAGE!                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Hartford, Connecticut - Alleged cocaine dealer Gregory Bolling,    Г
Г       20, wasn't available to answer his pager as he was locked up       Г
Г       in jail, so the police answered his pager and nabbed two           Г
Г       would-be buyers. Arthur O'Donnel, 26, and Nina Gosselin, 27,       Г
Г       were charged with criminal attempt to possess cocaine.             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WORSHIP IS WORSHIP, ISN'T IT?                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Billings, Montana - Readers of the Billings Gazette received a     Г
Г       surprise when they turned to the religion page. Instead of the     Г
Г       usual "This weekend attend the church of your choice," they read   Г
Г       "This weekend make blood sacrifice at the coven of your choice."   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A WEIGHTY MATTER                                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Kent, England - Municipal Judge Henry Weaver granted Harriet       Г
Г       Vargas a divorce because her husband, Keith, has broken their      Г
Г       prenuptial agreement in which Keith promised to never let his      Г
Г       weight go over 200 pounds. Keith said, "It's just the way my       Г
Г       metabolism works. I have fat genes and there's nothing I can do    Г
Г       about it." Retorted Harriet, "He lost [100 pounds] once. He can    Г
Г       lose it again. He eats like a pig."                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       NEW GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Miami, Florida - Fran Mucci wants to divorce her husband,          Г
Г       Barney, because he forgot to buy a lottery ticket that would       Г
Г       have won an $8 million Florida lottery jackpot. "I'm divorcing     Г
Г       him on the grounds of terminal stupidity," fumed Fran. Barney      Г
Г       had stopped at a Miami bar and forgot about buying the ticket.     Г
Г       Meanwhile, Fran saw the winning numbers - her numbers - appear     Г
Г       on the TV drawing. Delirious with joy, she called friends and      Г
Г       relatives, promising them extravagant gifts, then called her       Г
Г       boss and told him to take a flying jump. ROTFL Digest believes     Г
Г       a divorce is uncalled for... justifiable homicide, perhaps.        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       SHE'D RATHER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE'S...                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       In a moment of philosophical introspection, Madonna said, "I       Г
Г       wouldn't want a penis. It would be like having a third leg...      Г
Г       a contraption that would get in the way."                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       COUNSELING SURE HELPED THIS MARRIAGE                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Minneapolis, Minnesota - Donna White, 34, filed for divorce        Г
Г       after she and her husband Bill went for marriage counseling        Г
Г       - and he fell in love with their gay therapist. "[Dr. Daniel       Г
Г       Josephs] told my husband Bill that he was hiding some              Г
Г       'innermost feelings'," said Donna. "I didn't realize he was        Г
Г       trying to pick him up."                                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF FINE PARENTING                                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       New York, N.Y. - Eight policemen were injured when they got        Г
Г       into a street brawl with a teenage boy, his mother, and the        Г
Г       family's pit bull. The fracas began when Officer Barbara           Г
Г       Blackman-Betegon spotted a 14-year-old boy allegedly selling       Г
Г       beer to youths outside a New York City middle school. When         Г
Г       she tried to apprehend him, he smashed her in the face with        Г
Г       a beer bottle, breaking her nose. The injured officer called       Г
Г       for backup and the teen unleashed his dog on them. His             Г
Г       mother, 31-year-old Elizabeth McKellen, then joined the fray       Г
Г       and bit one of the officers. Mother and son were charged with      Г
Г       disorderly conduct, assault, and resisting arrest. The dog,        Г
Г       probably the most innocent of the participants, was shot to        Г
Г       death.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       GET YOUR SHOVELS FOR A TREASURE HUNT!                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Miami, Florida - In 1935, fisherman Charlie Horton sailed          Г
Г       from Miami to Key West and was caught in a violent storm.          Г
Г       When the storm ended, Charlie's boat ran onto a reef a few         Г
Г       feet below the surface. Charlie got out into the waist deep        Г
Г       water and prepared to free it. Just then his foot struck           Г
Г       something hard. Looking down, he saw that for several hundred      Г
Г       feet the reef was covered with small black blocks or bars.         Г
Г       He picked up one of the bars and estimated it to weigh about       Г
Г       60 pounds, then decided they would make good ballast and           Г
Г       loaded 16 on board. When he got back to Miami, he noticed a        Г
Г       shiny metal under the crusted surface of the metal. A jeweler      Г
Г       friend tested the metal and discovered the bars were silver.       Г
Г       Charlie had been carrying a fortune in the bilge of his boat.      Г
Г       Naturally, Charlie tried to find the silver-plated reef again      Г
Г       but another storm had apparently covered everything over.          Г
Г       Others have since searched for the reef but without success.       Г
Г       The reef is still out there somewhere between Miami and Key        Г
Г       West.                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г Collective Nouns                                                         Г
Г ----------------                                                         Г
Г A cough of flu sufferers                 A frizzy of permed girls        Г
Г A hormone of teenage boys                A pain of backache sufferers    Г
Г A needle of nurses                       A myopic of astigmatics         Г
Г A lie of politicians                     A pixel of computer users       Г
Г A thin of anorexics                      A diaper of babies              Г
Г A bungle of newbies                      A commercial of TV viewers      Г
Г A dork of morons                         A grin of TV game show hosts    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г                   WHAT PARENTS SAY - WHAT THEY MEAN                      Г
Г                   =================================                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "Let your brother take        "Give him as many turns as           Г
Г       a turn"                       he wants"                            Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "We'll let you borrow         "We'll let you borrow the car        Г
Г       the car when you've           when Hell freezes over"              Г
Г       showed us you can handle                                           Г
Г       the responsibility"                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "I want to talk to you        "I feel like yelling for a           Г
Г       about your report card"       while"                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "Do we expect so MUCH of      "We've given up hope!"               Г
Г       you?"                                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "He's such a good boy"        "He made his bed once without        Г
Г                                     being told"                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "I don't know what to         "He's never made his bed, even       Г
Г       do with him!"                 when he's been told"                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       "We're trusting you"          "We're doomed!"                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       The (Very Short) Lunatic Test                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г        By Sandy Illes and Richard "I wanted to join the fourth           Г
Г        branch of the U.S. military, but they said I wasn't good          Г
Г        enough, that I was sub-marine" Platel                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  1. Do you worry when you call home and you're not there?                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  a) Yes                                                                  Г
Г  b) No                                                                   Г
Г  c) Only because I know I'm probably out having a good time              Г
Г     without me                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  2. Have you ever been kidnapped by aliens?                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  a) Hmmmm! That would explain this implant in my neck                    Г
Г  b) No, but I've been kidnapped by Elvis                                 Г
Г  c) No, but I have kidnapped aliens                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  3. A bacteria is:                                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  a) The rear entrance to a cafeteria                                     Г
Г  b) The only thing your friends find uglier than you                     Г
Г  c) scary                                                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  4. I am currently taking the Lunatic Test.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  a) True                                                                 Г
Г  b) False                                                                Г
Г  c) none of the above                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Richard Platel Muses About SPAM                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       By Richard "Moonlighting" Platel                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       If I had a can of SPAM that I kept in one place, I'd draw a        Г
Г       chalk outline around it and check everyday to see if it moved      Г
Г       (especially after a full moon).                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г               ...I knew I was in trouble the moment I left the mall.     Г
Г       The movie ran long and I was late.  My parents were leaving the    Г
Г       house in 15 minutes and they didn't know I'd left my key behind.   Г
Г       The main roads would take at least 20 minutes but there was        Г
Г       always the forest.  As I cut through the trees, I noticed how      Г
Г       light everything seemed for this time of night. When I looked      Г
Г       up, I was suprised to see the biggest full moon I hasd ever laid   Г
Г       eyes upon.  An unreasoning fear took hold of me.  I began to       Г
Г       walk faster, faster. I broke into a run, branches were tearing     Г
Г       at my face, my arms, my legs, but I didn't care; I was sure        Г
Г       something was chasing me.  My heart was beating out of my chest,   Г
Г       I was sure I could hear it.  Then, a few steps from my house, I    Г
Г       saw it!  Frighteningly beautiful in the pale moonlight, The        Г
Г       Werespam!                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       HOW STAR TREK WOULD HANDLE MEANINGLESS MESSAGE THREADS             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       By Sandy Illes                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Stardate: 08.30.1994                                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Picard: What's that strange object our sensors are picking up?           Г
Г Troi: It's strange, captain. I sense *nothing* about it!                 Г
Г Riker: It must have some intelligence to be here, no?                    Г
Г Troi: No, there is no intelligence to it.                                Г
Г Picard: In that case, fire at will!                                      Г
Г Worf: Can't I fire at someone besides Will Riker for a change?           Г
Г Picard: We'd need new writers to enable such an option.                  Г
Г Data: I believe that strange object is what is known in BBSese as a      Г
Г       "thread."                                                          Г
Г Picard: What is the purpose of it?                                       Г
Г Data: None.                                                              Г
Г Picard: What is the sense of it?                                         Г
Г Data: None.                                                              Г
Г Picard: Will it not lie down and die quietly?                            Г
Г Data: Negative, sir. It will continue until a moderator intervenes       Г
Г       or we blow it to Kingdom Come.                                     Г
Г Picard: Then set a course for the photon torpedoes and fire away!        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The crew cheers and lifts Picard onto their shoulders as if he were some Г
Г conquering hero instead of a balding old guy with a French name and a    Г
Г British accent.                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The End                                                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       WHAT HAPPENS WHEN STAR TREK FANS LOSE THEIR MINDS                  Г
Г               By Sandy Illes and Richard Platel                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Note: Richard Platel claims he isn't really a Trekoid, he just           Г
Г       wears the Starfleet uniform whenever he goes out.                  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Scene: Rich in his Trek uniform walking down Yonge St. late at night.    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Girl #1: Oh look! It's a Starfleet officer!                              Г
Г Girl #2: Don't you know a dork when you see one?                         Г
Г Brute #1: Hey, let's see if Trekkies bleed!                              Г
Г Brute #2: Now that's a great idea!                                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Brutes #1 and #2 proceed to beat Rich into a senseless pulp while Rich   Г
Г frantically whispers into his communicator, "Beam me up NOW! Please! I'm Г
Г begging you!" The closest Rich comes to getting beamed is when the two   Г
Г brutes poke a 2x4 beam into his left eye.                                Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г After the beating, Rich picks up his left eye, puts it back into the     Г
Г socket, and waves to passersby as he says, "May the force be with you.   Г
Г No, wrong movie..."                                                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г He is then beamed up to the Enterprise where Geordi and Scotty are       Г
Г still fighting over who pushes the buttons. In fact, he was only         Г
Г beamed up when Scotty sat on the control panel and short circuited       Г
Г half of the ships power.                                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г And that's what happens to Trekkies who lose their minds: they join      Г
Г the Dark Side of the Force and exist believing that Darth Vader was the  Г
Г chief engineer of the Enterprise and that Obie Won Kanobi taught Picard  Г
Г how to play Frere Jacques on the flute. A pathetic existence... not to   Г
Г even mention futile. They're waiting to be assimilated into mental       Г
Г hospitals all over this great country.                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г   Another Short Quiz Dept.                                               Г
Г   ------------------------                                               Г
Г  The Gullibility Quiz                 By Richard Platel                  Г
Г  You have 45 minutes.  Begin now.                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  1: If I told you that this test costs $100 to take, you would:          Г
Г  a) Pay it                                                               Г
Г  b) Pay it twice to ensure a good grade                                  Г
Г  c) Pay it then sell it to someone else for $200                         Г
Г  d) Laugh and try to blackmail me with breach of trust charges           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г  2: Your new "best friend" wants to borrow the car, you:                 Г
Г  a) Say no                                                               Г
Г  b) say no and run him down in the driveway                              Г
Г  c) Give him the keys, but only if he promises to be careful             Г
Г  d) Give him the keys, then follow him and try to sell him a $200 test.  Г
Г                                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г    кФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФП       Г
Г    Г JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES Г       Г
Г    РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why is the FBI involved in the Jeffrey Dahmer case?                Г
Г       They suspect he sold arms to Iraq.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Three new movies about Jeff:                                       Г
Г         Silence Of The Limbs                                             Г
Г         Boyz 'N The Fridge                                               Г
Г         Three Men And A Little Gravy                                     Г
Г       Siskel and Ebert give them all "2 Thumbs OFF"                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What kind of security did they have at Jeff's apartment?           Г
Г       UNARMED guards.                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Jeff's serial killer nickname: "Son of SPAM"                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Did you hear Jeffery Dahmer is renovating his apartment?           Г
Г       He needs the elbow room.                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What does Dahmer keep for good luck?                               Г
Г       A lucky rabbi's foot.                                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What did they find in Jeff's shower?                               Г
Г       Head and Shoulders.                                                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  The morning after his wedding Michael Jackson came down to the          Г
Г  lobby of the hotel where he was greeted by the best man.                Г
Г  "So, Michael, is Lisa Marie pregnant yet?" asked the best man           Г
Г  with a smile.                                                           Г
Г  "I hope so," replied Michael.  "I'd hate to have to go through          Г
Г  *that* again."                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
ГHow many deadheads does it take to put in a lightbulb?                    Г
ГNone, they just let it burn out and follow it around for 20 years.        Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г  Do you know why Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson?                     Г
Г  She likes the way he rears children.                                    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г   This old guy goes into a whorehouse and looks around in puzzlement.    Г
Г   "Is this the dentist's office?" he asks.                               Г
Г   "No, Pops," the girl replies.  "This is a whorehouse."                 Г
Г   "Oh yes," the old guy says.  "I remember now.  I came to get..."       Г
Г   "To get laid?" the girl asks.                                          Г
Г   "That's it." The old guy snaps his fingers.  "I came to get laid."     Г
Г   "How old are you, Pops?" the girl asks.                                Г
Г   "I'm ninety seven," the old guy says.                                  Г
Г   "NINETY SEVEN!" the girl exclaims.  "You've had it Pops!"              Г
Г   The old guy shrugs his shoulders and takes out his wallet.             Г
Г   "So how much do I owe you?"                                            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       A dog meets another dog and asks, "How ya doing?"                  Г
Г       The other dog replies, "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."   Г
Г       The first dog suggests that he go to a psychiatrist.               Г
Г       The other dog answers, "You know I'm not allowed on the couch."    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and      Г
Г         it could prove fatal.                                            Г
Г Lawyer: Well, doctor, please give me a pen and a paper.                  Г
Г Doctor: To make your will?                                               Г
Г Lawyer: No - to make a list of people I want to bite.                    Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Why do Jehovah's Witness women have small breasts?                 Г
Г       <push with both hands> "Get off my porch."                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       9 out of 10 Rottweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses                 Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г An IRA bomber is planting a bomb in a shop when the device explodes      Г
Г prematurely and blows him across the street. He lays dazed in the gutter Г
Г screaming, "I can't feel me legs, I can't feel me legs!"                 Г
Г A soldier walks by, and stares down at him. "No wonder, mate, you blew   Г
Г your arms off."                                                          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Doctor: "Well, how have you been?"                                 Г
Г       Old Lady "I'm doing just fine, thanks."                            Г
Г       Doctor: "Any complications from the pregnancy?"                    Г
Г       Old Lady: "No, none at all."                                       Г
Г       Doctor: "How's your son?"                                          Г
Г       Old Lady: "He's fine."                                             Г
Г       Doctor: "Would you mind if I had a look at him?"                   Г
Г       Old Lady: "No, not at all, but you'll have to wait till he cries." Г
Г       Doctor: "Oh, is he sleeping?"                                      Г
Г       Old Lady: "No, I just can't remember where I left him."            Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Q. Did you hear that Madonna was raped once?                       Г
Г        A. She didn't know it until the cheque bounced.                   Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
ГGod:   You will notice, Adam, that I gave you a BRAIN and a PENIS.        Г
ГAdam:  Yeah, so?                                                          Г
ГGod:   There's a catch.  I've only given you enough BLOOD to use          Г
Г       them one at a time.                                                Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A tourist was driving around in a Catholic area of Northern Ireland and  Г
Г pulled into a service station. He asked the attendant to fill the tank.  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г The attendant answered, "I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of petrol."    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г So the tourist asked him for a quart of oil. "Sorry sir, but we don't    Г
Г have any oil."                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Look here," said the tourist" If you don't have any petrol and you      Г
Г don't have any oil, you're not much of a service station, are you?"      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Well sir," answered the attendant, "to tell you the truth, we           Г
Г aren't really a petrol station at all. We're just a front for the IRA."  Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "Fine!" said the tourist. "Could you please blow up the tires."          Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?       Г
Г         Shoot one of them.                                               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       What does a guitarist say when he gets to his regular gig?         Г
Г         "Would you like fries with that, sir?"                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?            Г
Г         "One, two, three... testing... one, two, three."                 Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       You know you're a redneck if ...                                   Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your airport parking is free but the runway must be mowed on a           Г
Г regular basis.                                                           Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You find yourself in that embarrassing predicament of being              Г
Г married and engaged at the same time.                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your       Г
Г clothesline.                                                             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your family business requires a lookout.                                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned.     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You've ever named a child after a good dog.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You drove to elementary school.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.                              Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.                         Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.                 Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.               Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your dog can smoke a cigarette.                                          Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г You've ever heckled during a eulogy.                                     Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.           Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г       Regarding the recent USAir crash:                                  Г
Г       ---------------------------------                                  Г
Г       USAir now has three classes.  Smoking, non-smoking and             Г
Г       charred beyond recognition!                                        Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       USAir now has a frequent survivor's program!                       Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г       USAir has a new promo; fifty dollars off your plane ticket         Г
Г       if you bring your dental records!                                  Г
УФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФД
Г                                                                          Г
Г A Russian is standing in line waiting to buy some food. He waits there   Г
Г for three days and the line doesn't move. Finally he says, "That's it!   Г
Г I'm going to kill President Gorbachev! I intend to shoot him down like a Г
Г dog!"                                                                    Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г A few hours later the Russian joins the line again.                      Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "What happened?" asked a comrade. "Did you shoot Gorbachev?"             Г
Г                                                                          Г
Г "No," replied the Russian, "the line to shoot Gorbachev was much, much   Г
Г longer than this one."                                                   Г
РФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФй