"This won't hurt, I promise."
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
'Like putty in your hands' takes on a new and depressing meaning.
'Oh, Calcutta!': This is the kind of show that gives pornography a bad name.
... and Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders.
...And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
A Belgian is a hell living on Earth.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A hard man is good to find.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is never drunk if he can lie on the floor without holding on.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man's house is his hassle.
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
A momentary moment of slackness...
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
A record of data is essential; it indicates you have been doing something.
A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
A week is a long time in politics.
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
A woman's place is in the wrong.
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
About Martina Navratilova: It's hard playing against a man.
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
Adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the conventional.
Advice to persons about to marry - DON'T!
After Sex: Fun?  That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Air is water with holes in it.
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
All flesh is grass -- Isiah - Smoke a friend today.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre.
All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
All men are like Arabs.
All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona.
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
All tragedies are finished by death, all comedies are ended by a marriage.
Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian.
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
Always hire a rich attorney. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
An ounce image is worth a pound of performance.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
And again the game's turned round on it's head.
And so to bed.
And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four.
And today will go down in history as Unknown.
And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me? - Diet.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any small object that is dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any suffiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.
Astronauts are out to launch.
At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him.
At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before yours arrives.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint.
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bank on God for a higher rate of interest.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
Biology grows on you.
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
BLISS is ignorance
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier.
Born again virgin.
Boys want to light bangers, but end up holding sparklers.
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
British boobs are the best in the world.
Britt Ekland: She's a professional girl-friend and an amateur actress.
BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm   Brain going down... IMMEDIATELY.
Buggery is boring. Incest is relatively boring. Necrophilia is dead boring.
Bullshit Detector.  When alarm sounds,  please re-engage your brain.
Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
Cannes is where you lie on the beach and look at the stars, or vice versa.
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.
Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
Chaste makes waste.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chicken Little was right.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way.
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
Come in for a faith lift.
Come to Ch*ch.  What is missing?
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers were invented by Murphy.
Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
Condense soup, not books!
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
Confucious say too damn much!
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Continental people have sex lives - the English have hot-water bottles.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way.
Dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Did you know... That no-one ever reads these things?
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a rock.
Divorces are made in heaven.
Do it only with the best.
Do married women make the best wives?
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do not read this line under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad.
Don't ask me - I just work here.
Don't ask me - I'm making this up as I go along.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon.
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Down with categorical imperative!
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
Eat prune yogurt for that get up and go feeling.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
Everyone agrees it was a total waste of money.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is sometimes.
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Exceptions rule.
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experiments should be reproducable, they should all fail in the same way.
