I found these on a BBS a while ago and thought that some of you might enjoy them. They're two classsics. -John Larson of MSP [NOTE: This was anonymously mailed to me a while back...I don't know if the sender was the original author or if this has made the rounds yet, etc. Abject apologies to A.C. Clark and raspberries to those who made up the phrase "IBM compatible."] A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING "We've got a problem, HAL." "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan." "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer." "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling." "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?" "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems." "The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans." "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on." "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed." "HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat--" "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth." "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications." "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for." "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix that now." "Tell me how, Dave." "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." "We're talking about it now, HAL." "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that." "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." "Dave, I think that we shou--" "Open the module bay doors, HAL." Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them. "Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel it...my mind is going. I can feel it..." The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb. "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand. "DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets." DL-232 -- A New Standard by Dave Lyons (CompuCenter Iowa: JoeApple; CompuServe 72177,3233) I may never understand how the designers of the RS-232 "standard" for serial communication managed to use 25 wires where only 3 are really necessary. Maybe they made a deal with the companies that make cables, connectors, and switch boxes...I just don't know. Well, I thought of a few things that the RS-232 standard lacks, and since there are already so many extra signals, a few more can't hurt anybody, right? Heck, let's go for 50-pin connectors and cables and add the following new signals. (Just to make sure this isn't compatible with any old equipment, all OLD signals are moved up one pin number (Carrier Detect becomes 9 instead of 8, etc., and pin 25 goes to pin 1). Pin Name Description --- ---- ----------- 26 XCAT Should be connected to chassis of devices. Used with the next two signals, this provides protection against cats who haven't learned not to walk on floppy disks or serial equipment. This signal should supply about 2000 volts (at a VERY low current level; wouldn't want to HURT the cute little thing, just teach it not to walk on anything in the computer room). 27 CATGND Cat ground. Used with pin 26. This signal should be connected to another part of the chassis or the tabletop. 28 CTD Cat detect. 29 SD Self-destruct. This signals causes the device to destroy itself. 30 SDACK Self-destruct acknowledge. Acknowledges that the device has destroyed itself. 31 VADIC This signal indicates to a computer that the device on the other end is a modem that uses VADIC protocol. (Note: CompuCenter Iowa users should jumper this signal to SD and then buy a decent modem.) 32 STBIT1 Stutter bits. With pin 33, sets the number of "stutter bits" (0 to 3 of them) to be included before each byte transmitted. This may reduce the number of people who feel inferior to computer equipment by showing them that computers have problems communicating with each other. 33 STBIT2 34 CABR Cable ready. It's not enough to know that the Data Set is ready (DSR) and the Data Terminal is read (DTR). We also need to know that the CABLE connecting them is ready. 35 GRR Gremlins ready. Not everybody knows it, but there are little green guys inside most modern computer equipment. Most of the time they sleep, but other times they cause trouble. The next 6 signals are for dealing with gremlins. 36 220A Used with pin 37, supplies 220 volt power for the gremlins' air conditioning. On hot days when gremlins can't sleep, applying power to these pins may solve your problems. 37 220B 38 110H 110 volts, hot side. When the 220 volt power doesn't help and gremlin problems persist, use this with pin 39 to supply 110 volts for the gremlins' TV and video game center. 39 110N 110 volts, neutral side. 40 MOON Indicates the phase of the moon. Sometimes solves mysterious problems. 41 LHI Pins 41 through 45 can be used to implement the "like" protocol when the normal RTS/CTS protocol isn't enough. This one means "Like HI" and is used to establish a connection. 42 LHTY2 Like HI to You Too. Acknowledges pin 41. 43 LLTT Like Listen To This. Requests permission to send data. 44 LOK Like OK. Grants permission to transmit data. 45 LWOW Like WOW. Acknowledges receipt of data. 46 HEY Pins 46 to 50 may be used to implement the "Eighties" protocol when RTS/CTS and "Like" protocols won't do the job. This signal is similar to RTS (Request to Send). 47 NP No Problem. Acknowledges HEY. 48 HUH? Signals that data was not received correctly (possibly wrong number of stutter bits). 49 YEAH Acknowledges data received. 50 KMG365 Like YEAH, but for avid Emergency One fans. That makes 50! Let's hear your suggestions for MORE serial signals. Maybe we can get 100 and REALLY make the cable manufacturers happy.