MUSICIAN JOKES -- In Score Order

Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutes in unison.

Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q. Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
A. Both give you a warm feeling, but nobody else cares.

Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune a lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors will be
   upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play
   it.

Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five.  One to do it, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
   would have done it.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for direc-
   tions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
   tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune tenor sax player.  Meeting the other two means
   you're hallucinating.

Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A. Vibrato.

Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five.  One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much
   better they could have done it.

Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a
   dead country singer in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road
   and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on his way to a recording
   session.

Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q. What's a tuba for?
A. About 1 1/2" by 3 1/2".

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
A. So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None.  They have machines that do that now.

Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
A. "Would you like some fries with that, sir?"

Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A harpist tuning unison strings.

Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same place twice.

Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. They are both offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do violinists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don't play.

Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They're not.  Violinists' heads are just bigger.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A. The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
A. Even the section notices.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None.  The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her.

Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A. The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
A. It would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call half a dozen dead basses?
A. Deep six.

Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole's in back.

Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
   will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a
   conductor?
A. Because it's had so little use.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the noise.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.

Q. Why is an electric guitar like a vacuum cleaner?
A. When you plug it in, it sucks.