Murphy's Laws of ACLS

        FIRST LAW OF ACLS
                1. An arrest will not occur until the ACLS provider begins 
                   to eat.
                   COROLLARY 1. Few arrest would occur if ACLS providers
                                would not eat.
                   COROLLARY 2. ;Always order food to GO.

        ACLS LAWS OF TIME AND DISTANCE
                1.  The probability that a patient will arrest increases
                    proportionally with the distance of the crash cart from
                    that's patients room.
                2.  The severity of acidosis in the arrested victim 
                    increases directly with the resistance met when 
                    injecting an amp of sodium bicarbonate.
                3.  The probability of an arrest occuring increases 
                    proportionally to the time elaspsed since the ACLS
                    provider last went to the bathroom.
                4.  The probability that an arrest will occur increases
                    as the time to get off work decreases.
        
        ACLS GROSS DYSRHYTHMIA RULE
                1.  If a gross dysrhythmia occurs which is sickening to
                    the provider, the monitor should be discontinued
                    at once.

        ACLS RULES FOR THE ROAD
                1.  If you stop along the road to assist in a disaster 
                    after midight and do not see a drunk, KEEP looking,
                    someone is still missing.
                2.  Assume that any physician found at the scene of an 
                    arrest is a podiatrist until proven otherwise.
                       COROLLARY 1; never turn your back on a proctologist.
                3.  A life or death situation will be created by jogging
                    away from a person complaing of chest pain that you
                    just advised to make an appointment with his private
                    physician.  The seriousness of the circumstanc will
                    increase as tshe date of your trial approaches.  By 
                    the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand; the
                    jury will be amazed how a person with such serious
                    cardiac problems could have ever run past you 
                    on the track field.
                    COROLLARY 1: Transport all you talk to.

        ACLS RULES OF RESPIRATORY ARREST
                1.  All persons on whom mouth to mouth resuscitation
                    is performed will have just completed a meal of
                    barbeque and onions which was washed down with beer.
                    COROLLARY 1: Never remove an EOA without suction,
                                 intubation equipment,and lysol
                    COROLLARY 2: Never insert an ET tube without a wet-
                                 suit and goggles.
                2.  The length of all oxygen tubing will decrease in an 
                    arrest situation, especially if an ambu bag is used.

        ACLS RULES OF EQUIPMENT
                1.Any life saving equipment will not malfunction unless:
                    a. you need it to save a life.
                    b. the saleman leaves
                    c. the service contract expires.

        ACLS RULES OF COORDINATION
                1.  Eye to hand coordination diminishes as the provider
                    attempts to inject epinephrine or NaHCo3 into an
                    injection port of an IV tubing during an arrest.
                2.  Eye to hand coordination and provider panic threshold
                    will decrease as the accessability of peripheral veins 
                    decreases.

        ACLS LAWS OF MEDICATIONS
                1.  Any medicationwill always be ordered in the least usable
                    unit of measure. Dopamine, for example will be ordered
                    in grains per microgram per kilogram per square inch
                    per millisecond.
                        COROLLARY 1:  In a given drug calculation, any error
                                      that can creep in will do so.
                        COROLLARY 2:  Any error in calculation will be in 
                                      the direction of the most harm.
                2.  The probability of all allogorhythms is 50% either it 
                    will work or it won't.

        ACLS LAWS OF NATURE
                1.  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
                    cardiac index, pulse rate, stroke index, left
                    ventricular stroke volume, right ventricular stroke
                    volume, total peripheral resistance, pulmonary vascular
                    resistance, oxygen consumption, cardiac rhythm, and 
                    other variables, the heart will do as it damn well
                    PLEASES.
                2.  10% of the male population over 50 will suffer 
                    acute myocardial infarction (AMI), the other 90%
                    will suffer an ugly one (UMI).