Copyright 1992(c)
                                  RACONTEURS
                               By Bill Slattery

      "Take your foot off my chest, my hat is on fire."
      "What did you say?"
      "I said I have been kidnapped by space aliens for purposes of
cross breeding."
      "I don't understand."
      "I plan to shout MOVIE! in a crowded fire house."
      "Are there other parts to this plan? It seems incomplete."
      "You have never understood me. In all these years."
      "I can't imagine how you can say such a thing. I understand
you perfectly. I have always understood you. You do not wish to
cause me pain so you pretend you don't love the Martian woman and
that you have been kidnapped and are acting against your will. You
haven't told me but I know about the sera and the probes. I know
you are telling me the truth even though you think you are lying
and being kind. And as to the fire house, others have thought this
before you. I, myself, have thought about doing this. I thought
about it the first time while watching The Towering Inferno. I was
going to stand up and shout MOVIE! But something held me back. It
was the knowledge of the coming of this moment. All is ordained
from the beginning.
      "It is a shame because it is your best hat. It cost a great
deal of money. My father owned that hat for many years before he
died. He willed it to Mother's horse. The horse wanted you to have
it because your need was great. Not wishing to look the horse in
the mouth you accepted the gift in the dark, which is admirable and
thoughtful as always."
      "And the foot?"
      "The foot is only figuratively a foot. Actually it is a 12-
inch ruler. I will remove it when we get up in the morning. Now
let us say our prayers together. Ready now? R fardel witch heart
in Evian, hollow weed B thigh game, thigh King Kong gum, thigh
wallaby B dune, on erg Agassis N oven."
      "I think you have some of the words wrong."
      "Certainly I do. It is expected."         
      "Of course."
                                      END