旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � TOP10-8.ZIP: Collection Of Excellent Top Ten Lists Collected � � From The City2City Top Ten Conference. If Your Sysop Doesn't � � Carry The C2C Top Ten Conference, Whine Until He Gets It! :) � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � Top Ten Conference Moderator: Richard Platel � � � � List Collector And Moderator Suck-Up: Sandy Illes � 쳐컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � Both Richard and Sandy can be reached at Access Media BBS � � (416-825-8653) or via Fidonet 1:259/314. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Contents: Top Ten Essential Items Needed For A Party. Top Ten Country/Cowboy Booze Tunes. Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs. Top Ten Ways To Tell If You're A REAL Programmer. Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Been Hanging Around With The Wrong Crowd. Top Ten Ways To Welcome Someone To TC2CTTC. Top Ten Lines From "Married... With Children." Top Ten Things About Georgia. Top Ten Reasons Not To Be A (Blood) Relative Of Kenneth. Top Ten Frivolous Uses For Blackmail Pictures Of Sandy. Top Ten Anti-Mime Weapons. Top Ten Other Things You Can Squirt Out Of Your Nose. Top Ten Things That Bring Tears To James' Eyes. Top Ten More Reasons For Not Being Related To Kenneth. Top Ten Best Times To Go Visit England. Top Ten Nose Squirtables. Top Ten Things About Being A Moron. Top Ten Things I Vaguely Remember About Gouddism. Top Ten Nasty Food Additives Easily Traced In Fast Food. Top Ten Book Proposals From Kenneth Being Rejected By Major Publishers. Top Ten Names I Considered Changing To. Top Ten List Of Situations Where The Spirit Of Scientific Investigation Can Cause Major Problems. Top Ten Ways To Show Appreciation For A Co-Sysop. Top Ten Beers We'll Soon See. Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You. Top Ten Things To Say To Get Away With Murdering A Husband. Top Ten Reasons To Kill Your Husband. Top Ten People In Dire Need Of A Valium. Top Ten Airport Hazards For Innocent Travellers. Top Ten People Who've Already Had Too Much Valium. Top Ten Types Of Customs Agents. Top Ten Reasons To Separate Oprah, Geraldo And Phil From Life. Top Ten Reasons Not To Kill Your Husband. Top Ten Reasons I Got Into Law School. Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows. Top Ten Reasons To Let Your Husband Live. Top Ten Reasons I Won't Go To Law School. Top Ten Things That Will Get You Strange Looks At Customs. Top Ten Punch Lines For Jokes. Top Ten Stupid Things You Can Find In A Twenty Year Old Issue Of Penthouse. Top Ten Other Things Kenneth Is Made Up Of. Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop. Top Ten Things You Won't Find In A Single Guy's Place. Top Ten Most Common Things Found In A Single Guy's Place. Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of. Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone. Top Ten More Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop. Top Ten Reasons Kenneth Is Not An Advertising Copywriter. ******* TC2CTTCTTLOTW Winner Top Ten Things I'd Advertise If I Was A Copywriter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS YOU MUST HAVE WITHOUT FAIL IN ORDER TO TRANSFORM A MERE GATHERING OF ALCOHOLICS INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A PARTY 10. Lime jello in prodigious quantities. 9. Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life": Enough copies so that everybody gets at least one. 8. Kenneth Newman and a limitless supply of 21 year old single malt whisky for him. 7. A Twister game. 6. A special Twister game for when Kenneth Newman plays that only has one colour. 5. A jar of Malaysian Bucktoothed Earwigs. Don't ask. 4. A Mister Microphone. 3. A karaoke machine. 2. A pump-action 12 gauge shotgun capable of firing at least 8 rounds without reloading for items 9 and 3 above. 1. Some bitchin' tunes (make it ska and dancehall and maybe some skate/punk/thrash/death unless you want to have an exciting conversation with #8 and #2 above), some outrageous dudes and babes, clean washrooms, and a person with a pasty white complexion dressed all in black with a nose ring who thinks it's politically irresponsible to be enjoying yourselves so much while there is all this suffering going on in the world so you can have someone to laugh at on those rare occasions when Kenneth Newman manages to talk the lady of his choice into filling the bathtub in one of the clean washrooms with lime jello and playing Twister (should take about 22 1/2 minutes at a rough guess). From: JAMES ASHFORD TOP TEN COUNTRY\COWBOY BOOZE TUNES: 10. I love her more than triple mash 9. Our love went flatter than 3 day old beer 8. First she stole my heart, then the keys to my liquor cabinet 7. She don't understand me or my 24 little friends 6. Jack Daniels creates the lovin' in our marriage 5. She got those purty lips by drinkin' straight from the bottle 4. Two steppin' to a moonshine glow 3. Put my shotgun down, I'll stop drinkin' again tomorrow, darlin' 2. 80 proof ain't proof enough for a man like me 1. She loves the way my neck goes red from drinkin' From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs: 10. I Drank So Much Whiskey That I Didn't Feel The Pain When My Dog Bit Me. 9. The Lynchin's Over But I've Still Got Rope Burns On My Hands. 8. Put Your Sweet Lips A Little Closer To My Nose. 7. Love Is Like A Chicken Fry. 6. All I've Got Is This Pickup, A Bottle Of Whiskey, And The Ten Million Dollars My Daddy Done Left Me. 5. My Achey Breaky Car. 4. I'd Start Cryin' Again If I Could Just Stop Now. 3. There's Another Man's Hair In My Razor. 2. She's A Tramp, But She's Got Too Much Money For Me To Leave Her. 1. I'm P-A-R-O-L-E-D As Of Today. From: IAN SCHORR Top Ten ways to tell if you are a REAL programmer: 10. To you, hacking is a GOOD thing. 9. Your favorite super hero is Random Access Man (RAM). 8. Your idol is Bill Gates. 7. Most of your time is spend writing programs that NO ONE in their right mind could ever find a way to use. 6. You ENJOY spending countless hours looking at lines like "PUSH AZ". 5. At the mention of the words "parser routine" you begin to drool. 4. You spent $500 and two weeks on classes that teach you how to print "Hi there!" on the screen. 3. In school, your History essays turn out like this one: "10 Beginnings.of.Man = 1000000*BC 20 Learn.Human = Fire 30 For Human = ELECT to CROOKED POLITICIAN 40 Learn.Human = Nuclear.Weapon 50 Use.Human = nuclear.weapon 60 Goto 10" 2. U cn rd sntncs lk ths. 1. Your worst subject in school was math. From: IAN SCHORR Have any of you cat owners come home to find your cat has done something particularly evil, like robbing a bank or other such felony? And then thought to yourself, "why has Herbie gone bad? Is it peer pressure?" If so, match up your cat's actions to the TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS HANGING AROUND WITH THE WRONG CROWD 10. One day, without your permission, he gets his ear pierced. 9. Not only is your credit card overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives", but you doscover that the twenty dollars you lent it weren't REALLY presents for a "sick friend". 8. You find attached to the refrigerator one day a note that reads: "Leev a steak on the front poarch at midnite, or you'll never see Spot agin. -Sox" 7. Too many times a week does your cat come home after one in the morning, totally sloshed and with the strong odor of catnip about it. 6. You come home to catch it in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet. 5. Your cat attempts to asassinate the predident. 4. Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-CAT-MEOW" 3. You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been taking bribes from cat food testers. 2. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, screaming demands about "Friskies" and catnip. 1. Your cat reminds you less and less of Garfield the cat, and more and more like Bill the Cat Now score your cat. How many did he/she match up? 1-2 You'd better keep an eye on your cat 3-4 It's time to review your cat's friends 5-6 Maybe a psychiatrist would be in order? 7-8 Maybe a vacation would do him/her some good. 9-10 Your cat is evil incarnate!!! Get out of the house while you still can!!!! From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Ways To Welcome Someone To TC2CTTC: 10. Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! 9. Teach your modem to applaud. 8. Shower them with money. 7. Have Scotty beam them up. 6. Write a Top Ten list about them. 5. Talk about them so they'll be afraid to stop reading TC2CTTC in case there's a libel case brewing. 4. Do the wave with bad CRC headers. 3. With a pop quiz. 2. Call them long distance by voice (collect) for the official welcome. 1. Remind them of the fame and fortune that will inevitably come to those who post the best Top Ten lists in TC2CTTC. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Lines From Married... With Children: 10. Kelly: Heyyy! 9. Peggy: How would I know??? 8. Al: Listen up, family! 7. Peggy: Men are such idiots, and I married their king! 6. Bud: I'm a street rapper named Grandmaster B. 5. Steve: That's my Mercedes! 4. Marcy: You know how wild women bankers can be. 3. Al: I'm a shoeman, born and bred! 2. Bud: I'm not a troll! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! 1. Kelly: ... and then the stork comes and it's a baby! From: JAMES ASHFORD TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT GEORGIA: 10. It's real close to South Carolina 9. Home of the last half-way decent Democratic President 8. The Masters golf tournament. The ultimate in snobbery, but somehow they pull it off without offending anyone 7. Marla Maples. If she's good enough for The Donald, she's good enough for.....Kenneth Newman 6. You've got to love a state that has a city that has something like 100+ streets named "peach somethingorother" 5. Home of Ian Schorr, the latest lurker to come out of the weeds and join the CTCTT conference, but unlike most lurkers who just dab their toe in the water first, this guy risked life and limb and did a triple spinning back flip in the pike position, obvious blind to the punishment coming his way. 4. Love those southern belle waitresses. "Hi, how y'all doin'? Kin I git you anything sugar?" Yum, yum 3. Athens; is there a factory there or something that keeps pumping out all those groups? Did every person of child bearing years 20 - 30 years ago take steroids? 2. Michael Bolton just HAD to do a remake of the classic 'Georgia', which is good because it gives me 1 more reason to hate him, as if anybody needed 1 more reason 1. Manon Rheume plays hockey there. Pretty soon she'll be speaking broken English with a Georgia-French accent. Does it get any better than that? From: JAN PERKINS TOP TEN REASONS FOR NOT BEING A (BLOOD) RELATION OF KENNETH NEWMAN 10. You don't wake up covered in lime jello. 9. You can pretend you don't know him in bars as there's no physical resemblance. 8. That way it's not CENSORED *** The remainder of this list has been deleted by commando action of the SPCKN, Thunder Bay branch **** From: JAN PERKINS TOP TEN FRIVOLOUS USES FOR BLACKMAIL PICTURES OF SANDY ILLES AT THE LADIES' TEQUILLA DRINKING CONTEST 10. To mail annually to Sandy on her birthday, accompanied by a bottle of tequilla and free extra worm. 9. For "Participaction" healthy lifestyle adverts on public tv. 8. As background shots in videos of slam-dancing punks to help create the correct atmosphere. 7. As shots in travel brochures aimed at enticing canadians to southern climates where booze is cheap. 6. In advertisements for "What Mr. Clean can do for you". 5. As part of a tequilla promotional series done as a companion to the "You've come a long way baby" Virginia Slims line. 4. As practical illustrations for high school health classes to demonstrate the power of the smooth muscles of the gullet. 5. Along with shots of Jan Perkins coyly modelling umbrellas. 4. With Irish Spring soap ads sharing the slogan "Manly yes, but I like it too, hic." 3. In advertisements for hip waders. 2. To put on a billboard just over the border from the States on the way to Thunder Bay with the slogan "Drinking lots of tequilla and indulging in projectile vomiting is illegal in Thunder Bay". (Okay I know this is only going to be appreciated by the local crowd, but I couldn't resist) 1. GIFS for the really, really sick inhabitants of compu-spew. From: JAN PERKINS RP> Saw your picture with this article in the local paper, how'd you get your hair to do that? I felt a "bad hair" day coming on so I took a can of Spam and put it in the blender with a half of tequilla, a few extra worms and some raspberry jello. I put the resulting conditioner on my hair. Unfortunately the whole mime thing blew up before I had a chance to rinse it out. TOP TEN ANTI-MIME WEAPONS 10. A 203 grenade launcher with the special "party pack" of explosives, fleshettes, incendiary, tear gas, and special neutron bomb combo. 9. A steam roller. 8. Old Arnie the terminator before he learned that knee-capping was better than out and out destruction. 7. Two tons of water dropped from a forest-fire fighting water bomber that has been flying at a high enough altitude to freeze the water solid. 6. Another mime - fired from a circa 1812 cannon. 5. Guido, the uncle from the good and bad dating list, with a few of his friends in the cement business. 4. Some really good thrash metal and the mosh pit that goes with it. 3. A very friendly large dog who just *loves* the taste of whiteface make-up. 2. A pit bull with an attitude combined with the "meat dress" of a not too long ago art show. 1. Anything blunt and heavy. From: CAREY SHIBATA Top ten other things that can squirt out of your nose: 10. soda 9. fish taco 8. hydrochloric acid from your stomach 7. the chunks of stuff at the bottom of Snapple 6. almond M&Ms 5. cottage cheese 4. peanut butter & jelly 3. jello 2. Cybil Shepard 1. SPAM! Todd Miller, sysop & lurker, helped out on this one. but I came up with the really good ones that you all are gonna comment on. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Things That Bring Tears To James' Eyes: 10. Country songs. 9. Onions. 8. A kick to his groin. 7. A bullet in his foot. 6. The winning lottery numbers when he forgot to buy a ticket. 5. SPAMburgers. 4. The jello in his underwear that causes his modem to short circuit and send 15 zillion volts of electricity up his patootie. 3. Barbers who accidentally cut off minor body parts (ears, nose, etc.) when all he wanted was a trim. 2. The Cabbage Patch (tm) Minor Brain Surgery Kit because it brings back such fond - though slightly vague - memories. 1. Elvis impersonators who arrive onstage in a coffin. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten More Reasons For Not Being Related To Kenneth Newman: 10. Don't have to listen to stories about Cybill Sheppard. 9. Someone else has to pay for the prefrontal lobotomy he'll be needing any day now. 8. Won't have nightmares about the times you woke up covered in lime Jello. 7. I tried and tried, but just couldn't come up with a number seven. 6. Won't have to scour the tabloids looking for news about Cybill Sheppard. 5. Won't have to worry when modem fever takes over what's left of Kenneth's mind. 4. Won't be blamed when he accidentally erases all of his QWK packets. 3. No need to listen to all those "When I was your age stories" when he forgets that was only last year. 2. Low bills for lettuce and Jello. 1. No need to keep coming up with Top Ten Retorts to amuse him in his hour of need. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Best Times To Go Visit England: 10. The day after "Blood Pudding Day." 9. The day after the "Annual Haggis And Assorted Innards Festival." 8. A week after the general strikes are over. (Hard to plan, but it can be done) 7. The day before "Half Price Lager & Lime Day." 6. Anytime you're sick of central heating. 5. Anytime you feel an urge for a week or so of rain. 4. The day after the "Baby Cham Throwing Up Finals." 3. The day after "Let's Blow Up A Major Tourist Attraction Day." (An IRA national holiday) 2. The day before the "Beer, Beer, Beer And More Beer Festival." 1. Anytime you feel curious about what it's like to drive on the wrong side of the road. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Nose Squirtables: 10. Yogurt - tastes the same coming out as it does going in. 9. Orange juice with lots of seeds in it - "Look at what came out of my nose Ma! Is it part of my brain? Is it? Huh? Is it?" 8. Campbell's Chunky Soup - no explanation required. 7. Boiled cabbage - works great to disgust queasy friends and relatives. 6. Lime Jello - a Kenneth Newman favorite. "Oh look! My bile juices are overflowing!" 5. Raspberry Jello - a Jan Perkins favorite. "Hey, I'm bleeding!" (Heh!) 4. Coca Cola - "I'm a robot and my hydraulic fluid is leaking out!" 3. 7 UP - "Hey look! My nose is raining!" 2. Potato chips - "The pain, the pain!" 1. A 16.8 D/S - The only thing we'd all like to have squirt out of our noses. From: JAMES ASHFORD This should be included in the conference guidelines! However, we all know the only requirement: the intellect level of the writer should hover somewhere around the basic moronic level, a few points either above or below the line is fine. TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT BEING A MORON 10. You've got an excellent chance of winning C2CTTC weekly\monthly award. Hell, if you're moronic enough, the yearly prize is in the bag 9. You've got an excuse if you get a really bad haircut 8. people keep a respectful distance because they're not really sure if you're a real moron or if you're just plain nuts with the ability to snap at any second 7. you live in a la la type world because you actually believe everything the politicians shove down your throat 6. people praise you for doing the most menial things 5. you always have things to talk about because new things are always happening to you ("like, so I saw that the stove was glowing bright red, ya know, and I just had to touch it") 4. you put supreme importance to non-events like groundhog day 3. no matter how much of a moron you are, if you're really good looking, or if you have a lot of money, the women still fight over you. They justify it by calling you 'sensitive', 'different', or that all time favourite 'eccentric' 2. it takes you 10 seconds to get dressed in the morning because colour-co-ordination is for those egg head people 1. you know you're a moron when you go to a foreign country where they drive on the left side of the road, and you barely escape death every day because you always look the wrong way when you cross the street. A person with a half ounce of brain would figure it out the first time, but not the moron, he goes for the whole 2 week stretch thinking the traffic is clear. (oops, I might be getting a little too personal here) From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN THINGS i VAGUELY REMEMBER ABOUT GOUDDISM 10. Only some Gouddists have the seed within us. Others are the plain variety. 9. "Yo, bro, let's get smoked with some fine herb!" 8. _If you meet the Goudda on the road, chill him_ by "Monterey Jack" Kerouac. 7. Head cheese does not bring enlightenment. 6. Do not listen to Rush Limburger for he stinks. 5. Romano is found in a Bel Paese! 4. We loved to get creamed and watch The Muensters. 3. The Zen of Goudda is to be on the longhorn of a dilemma. 2. Jarlsberg and Emmenthaler are holey but Swiss is the most holey of them all. 1. When everyone on earth has become a Gouddist, then our space brothers will come to join us. They will land and walk up to us and say, "Take us to your liederkranz!" From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN NASTY FOOD ADDITIVES EASILY TRACED IN FAST FOOD 10. Cockroach eyelashes 9. Ocelot snot 8. Michael Szeller's pocket lint 7. Wolverine sleep gunk 6. Buzzard ear wax 5. John Travolta 4. Shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings 3. Lizard reflux 2. Pearl Jam toe jam 1. John Agar-agar From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN BOOK PROPOSALS FROM KENNETH NEWMAN CURRENTLY BEING OR SOON TO BE REJECTED BY MAJOR NEW YORK PUBLISHERS WHO THINK THAT THEY'RE SITTING ON A HOLE IN THE GROUND AND THAT SHINOLA WOULD MAKE A GREAT SANDWICH SPREAD IF IT DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL SO BAD 10. DOS For Pathetic Morons Who Smell Bad - An OS primer for people who find the DOS For Dummies books too intimidating and also have some personal problems. 9. Me `n' Cyb: The Early Years - a one-step ahead of the lawyers funfilled romp with Kenneth Newman and Cybil Shepherd from her first beginnings on the jello farms of Brazil to the time he lost her to Peter Bogdonavich in a poker game. 8. Fetid Fangs of Fascism - A history of dental hygiene in Germany from 1933 to 1945. 7. Trains, War Weapons, The Big Band Sound and Marilyn Monroe - A 40 pound book measuring 2'6'' x 3', for middle aged men with lots of money and leisure and very little libido left. 6. Job Interview with a Vampire - A novel in which Vlad the Impaler tries to convince the Ontario Human Rights Commission that the uncontrollable desire for fresh virgin's blood *is* a disability. 5. Stupid Cray Tricks - How to optimise the memory configuration on your campus's supercomputer so that it can open Windows 3.1 in less that 45 seconds. 4. Men Who Are Swine And the Women Who Are Married to Them or Want to Be And Spend All Their Time Reading Pop Psychology Books About Why Sometimes it Seems Like The Best Thing You Could Do With Men is Take Them Out and Shoot The Whole Lot of Them - by Cybil Newman, PhD. 3. Newman's Baedeker '94 - Let's Go Etobicoke! 2. The Kama Suture - Intimate ties that can bind you to the one you love! Lavishly illustrated with gratuitous photos of obvious models in awkward stages of undress revealing improbable tan lines. 1. David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists that David Letterman Never Wrote, David Letterman Never Read and David Letterman Never Had Anything to Do With Other Than Creaming 40% Off The Top of Gross Royalties!!! Reject All Ten Now and Receive this Special Bonus Book Proposal: The Peckerhead Principle - in which noted business author, seminar giver and all around schmoozer, Kenneth Newman forcefully argues his bold new theory that 99% of North America's economic problems stem from the fact that 99% of the people in charge are a bunch of numb-nutz with cottage cheese instead of brains. Do Nothing! The book proposals will be automatically sent to your home or business for approval. No health questions will be asked. No salesman will come to your house. Remember, you are under no obligation at all, unless you want Kenneth Newman to starve to death on the street like a rat. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Names I Considered Changing To: 10. Hershey. But that incident with the Hershey's face sort of screwed that one up for me. 9. Rockefeller. But it seemed to be too obviously the name of a social climber. 8. Smith. But then everyone would assume it's an alias. 7. Jones. Same as Smith. 6. Limburger. But then people would just make silly jokes about "Limburger Helper." 5. Presley. But there are already too many people trying to cash in on that name. 4. Grey. But then people would say things like, "That's not a very colorful name." 3. Furter (as in Dr. Frank N. Furter). But they'd probably still make me pay admission to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. 2. Spock. But people would assume that I'm smart, and I'd have a hard time trying to live up to such a standard. 1. McCoy. But once I got tired of saying "He's dead, Jim!," I wouldn't know what else to do with it. From: JAN PERKINS Top Ten List of Situations where the Spirit of Scientific Investigation (or pig-headed curiousity) can cause Major Problems. 10. You wonder why they tell you to let the expresso maker cool before dismantling to clean. 9. You really want to know just how cold that swirly blue liquid that cools wine in a few seconds is. 8. After the experience referred to by James in #5 above, you look up classification of burns in a medical text and decide to test your burn. When you regain consciousness, you realise that not only is sensation intact, but you now have a head injury. 7. Your Chemistry classmate told you that sulpuric acid stains skin yellow. You find a bottle of conc. sulfuric and decide to test this scientifically. 6. You wonder what will happen if you knock that little rocking thing on top of the pressure cooker off. 5. The person in your Chemistry class also tells you ammonia clears your sinuses. Suffering from allergies, you decide to do an n of 1 study on the subject. You wake up in emerg. with your head wound being stitched. 4. During a timed test to see whether paring carrots away or towards your body is more efficient, you cut the back of your finger quite badly. Your previous perusal of the medical book during the head injury hospitalisation taught you how to test for cut tendons. Unfortunately you don't sit down first, and faint when the test gives you a "funny" feeling. When you regain consciousness ... 3. Having seen an eccentric relative do a rough test of AA batteries by placing the battery between tongue and wet finger tip you try a similar test. It's a pity the only battery you can find is a 6 volt one ... 2. You read that rolling naked in the dew in an open field on may day cures all minor skin ailments. One paper boy, two joggers and a phalanx of power walkers are unaware of this quaint old custom and your dawn outing puts you in court. 1. You wonder if your swallowing muscles are strong enough to let you drink coke from a straw while standing on your head. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Ways To Show Appreciation For A Co-Sysop: 10. A lifetime supply of SPAM. 9. Lettuce and Jello. 8. Free trip to a British hospital. 7. All-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom. 6. Send a funny card that says: "You're really such a jerk, But I like to see you work!" 5. Give him something from Michael Szeller's pockets. 4. Pack him/her a lunch. 3. Tell him/her that they're not related to Kenneth Newman. 2. Let him/her carry Jan Perkins' bag on that trip to England. 1. Money... lots and lots and lots of money! From: DREW HASSELBACK "Ice Beer" proves that Canadian breweries can put the same stuff in old bottles and sell it as new beer. Here are the Top 10 Beers we'll soon see: 10. Labatt's Dry Ice Beer. Clever ad campaign fogs consumers' judgement. 9. Miller Genuine Draft. Perfumed so the anal emissions associated with regular draught don't smell so bad. 8. Molson Diet Beer with #asperthaime. 7. Bud @Sudz. Tasty beverage and Shampoo rolled into one! 6. @Clayoquot Logger. Oh, that clear-cutting taste. 5. Labatt's Homo Beer. Could nail 10% of the market. 4. Colt .222. Cures your hangover before you get drunk. 3. Sweat Beer. "We don't have to explain it, do we?" 2. Neapolitan Beer. Use this 3-coloured brew to make beer B-52s! 1. Snapple Ale. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You: 10. Molson Exlax Beer. Drink it regularly to be regular. 9. Labatt Blue Suede Shoes Beer. Features a picture of Elvis. 8. Labatt So-Dry-You-Have-To-Add-Water. Dehydrated beer. 7. Schlitz-On-A-Stick. No description necessary. 6. Bud Lite-and-Fluffy. It's moist, it's wet, it's done when you can stick a toothpick in the middle of it. 5. Molson Canadian Eh? The can talks, but all it says is "Eh?" 4. Labatt Dry Ice Beer. Makes your tongue smoke. 3. Labatt Genuine Draft Cold-Filtered Almost-Pure-Enough-To-Drink Beer. 2. Carlsberg International Beer. Tastes like it could have come from any country except your own. 1. Heinie-kin Bud Lite. Yes, it's the Bundy's own beer, freshly brewed by Bud while looking at girl's heinies. From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN THINGS YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY TO THE JUDGE IN COURT TO GET YOU OFF AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED STANDING OVER THE FRESH WARM CORPSE OF YOU HUSBAND WHILE HOLDING A SMOKING GUN IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS OF CHILLED 1971 DOM PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN THE OTHER 10. I had PMS. 9. In US: He was a communist. 8. In Ontario: He wasn't a communist. 7. I just didn't feel good and he made a crack about cellulite. 6. Ramtha told me to. 5. He secretly lusts after "Blossom" star Mayam Bialik. 4. He denigrated my macrame. 3. He ate a plate of cabbage rolls, baked beans and pickled eggs washed down with draft beer and I felt my life was in danger. 2. He had an affair with Barbara McDougal. 1. He smokes cigars. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Reasons To Kill Your Husband: 10. Oprah did a show on cheating husbands and now you suspect that he's up to hanky panky with his secretary. 9. Geraldo did a show on "Husband Who Hate Their Wives" so you have to strike him before he strikes you. 8. Donahue did a show on "Husbands Who Cheat With Other Men" and now your husband disgusts you. 7. Your neighbour's dog told you to kill your husband. 6. Your backyard soil needs nourishment and his body can provide it. 5. He'll be more useful dead than alive. 4. You could really, really, really use the insurance money. 3. There is no number three. (Do not read beyond the word three... caught you!) 2. Bored Housewife's Syndrome. 1. Possibility exists of getting another husband who doesn't make embarrassing sounds with his armpits. From: MICHAEL SZELLER TOP TEN PEOPLE IN DIRE NEED OF A VALIUM! 10. Rush Limbaugh 9. Beth from "The 20 Minute Workout" 8. Most Aerobics instructors 7. Preston Manning 6. Lianna Quigley ("B" Movie Scream Queen) 5. There is no #5 4. Preston Manning (He need 2 valiums) 3. Richard Simmons (Sweating to the Oldies) 2. Robin Leach 1. Tony Little From: JAN PERKINS Top Ten Airport Hazards for Innocent Travellers 10. They are always renovating the airport "to serve you better", but you never seem to hit one that's been done. 9. There are no porters and the only available carts are miles from where you need them, plus require some obscure combination of foreign bills and change to release them. 8. Somebody will always hit on you, show you gruesome pictures and ask for donations for the suffering children of country X. When you say you will gladly specify on your next donation to Red Cross that it go for relief in country X they spit in your eye. 7. When travelling through a tight security, jittery, prone to thievery airport (say Heathrow during an IRA christmas campaign), your co-traveller promises to stay by the luggage while you make a pit stop. You return to find she has drifted off to look at some enchanting bit of duty free and what little luggage that is left is being sniffed by big dogs accompanied by men in berets. 6. When you lose your notebook power supply on a trip, the same person runs the battery down to where it won't boot. You are the person carrying the computer through security at another fun airport (say Frankfurt) when you and Hans (who looks and acts like he could have nabbed the lead baddie part in any of the Allied WWII propaganda films) discover this. 5. Airport food. 4. Airport food prices. 3. A person ahead of you in the security line-up does a great machine gun impersonation. You think it's hysterical until he acts shocked and fingers you as the culprit. 2. The sinking feeling as your baggage vanishes down the conveyor belt for connecting flights just as you hear somebody say that she's lost hers that way the last three times she's travelled. 1. Canadian customs. No I don't mean quaint folk traditions, or on second thought maybe I do. You know where you are dumped in a huge line in a huge hall of many, many unoccupied places for customs agents and two occupied. And no you don't get the guy with the cute tush who would probably blush when he opens your suitcase, you get the customs agent from hell. "No of course there's no line for streamlining entry of landed immigrants and citizens - whaddya think being a citizen gives you any right to anything? Hah think again - you don't even have a right to a passport, you can't renew yours if you have one, you have to re-apply each time and get some person known for high ethical standards like a lawyer, doctor or chiropractor vouch for you, and if they haven't known you long enough you're outta luck (unless you bribe the lawyer). And then we'll only give you one if we feel like it that day . And now what's this - you have an unused vitamin pill caught up in a used snot rag in your pocket. Well we're getting you on undeclared drugs on this one, and let me tell you we're analysing the stuff on that snot rag and if we find it isn't yours then we get you on the biological weapon importation. Now you just make yourself comfortable for the three days the analysis will take and no you can't go to the can. And how do I, a wimp of a customs agent with jello where my spine should be and spam for brains know you'll just shut up and take it - hah your passport's proof enough!" Gasp, snorffle, sorry there - bad memories came back and I let things get out of hand. But seriously haven't you ever met a customs agent who reminded you of that? From: TIM GROULX Top Ten People Who've Already Had Too Much Valium: 10.the Pope; 9. any Canadian Senator, 8. Jan Perkin's favourite Canada Customs Inspector, 7. my old high school History teacher, (knew Cesear Augustus personally), 6. the Dahli Llama, 5. there is no number 5, 4. Perry Como, 3. my neighbour's dog, `Brutus' (named by Cesear Augustus), 2. any other Canadian Senator, 1. left open for Carey Shibata's favourite add-in. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Types Of Customs Agents: 10. The newcomer who wants to examine all your luggage and believes that your shampoo bottle contains illicit drugs. 9. The experienced customs agent who flunked the customer service part of the course. "Just open it NOW! I don't care if your underwear is dirty... we'll let the people in line behind you be the judge of that!" 8. The nosey agent. He doesn't much care what contraband you might have - he's only interested in that black teddy you wore during the first night in the hotel. 7. The customs agent who used to be on the K9 corps. He can smell alcohol and cigarettes at 50 paces and is confident that you're a smuggler, regardless of the fact that you've declared these goods. 6. The bored teenager. This is the best customs agent you can find. He won't bother you unless you wear a sign saying "I Am A Smuggler." 5. The talkative agent. He asks you what the weather was like, how much your vacation cost, and a ton of other irrelevant questions before he gets to the part about "Do you have anything to declare?" 4. The ambitious customs agent. This is the one that everyone dreads because he measures his own worth based on how many smugglers he can turn in. He looks in every bag, opens every box, smells every bottle, and gives you a look that says "I'll get you NEXT time." 3. The paranoid agent. Even though he has certain qualities in common with the ambitious agent, he's more frightening to innocent travellers. He truly believes that you are guilty of something, although he could find no contraband, and takes it out on the next person in line. 2. The political customs agent. He wants to discuss politics with you, and you're afraid not to agree with him. This guy wishes he could have gotten into the Secret Service and is mentally taking the names of people who he believes are a danger to the country. 1. The aggressive customs agent. He is unable to speak in a voice less than 150 decibels and doesn't know the meaning of the words "please" and "thank you." He'd much rather be a cop out shooting criminals than wasting his time looking through your pathetic luggage. From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN REASONS TO SEPARATE OPRAH, GERALDO AND DONAHUE FROM THIS VALE OF TEARS, THIS MORTAL COIL CALLED LIFE 10. You'd get to appear on Jenny Jones, Sonia Live and maybe even Rush Limbaugh. 9. There's a chance that Tom Snyder might come out of retirement just to interview you in jail and you could do what everyone was secretly hoping Charles Manson would do but was too crazy to manage. 8. They deserve it. 7. Joan Rivers might take a hint and become scarce. 6. It's cheaper in the long run than constantly giving them Valiums. 5. Bette Midler and Liza Minelli would be eternally grateful for you doing in Geraldo (and what kind of dweebo would brag about sleeping with the great big BM, anyway?) 4. Now that Stedman Graham is gonna be married to one of the richest, soon-to-be-deceased women on earth he'd probably be more than willing to share some of the estate and insurance money. 3. Celebrity Assassinations are trendily post-modern and hip and you'll get your fifteen minutes of fame. Actually, more like forty-five minutes if you count each one separately. 2. You could probably get off by claiming that you are a victim of Serial Celebrity Assassination Syndrome and in need of compassion and understanding. And appear on a talk show devoted to the phenomenon. 1. It's either them or husby-poo and when was the last time Oprah, Geraldo or Donahue took out the garbage at your house? From: JAN PERKINS Top Ten Reasons Not to Kill Your Husband 10. The insurance premiums are not up to date. 9. Then who would bring you coffee in bed? 8. On cold winter nights when your toes are frozen, he has more square inches of warm flesh than any non-industrial hot-water bottle. 7. Without the trials of life with your husband to expound on at work, then how would you continue to have all your friends see you as a saintly martyr? 6. You can't always be your own designated driver. 5. Who else will eat your stir-fried tofu rolled in sesame seeds and pretend to like it? 4. When you run out of razor blades you can always borrow his - he'll never notice ;-) 3. You need an excuse (I'd love to stay but my husband gets so ansty if I'm not home when I promised) to get out of all those deadly work socials. 2. Otherwise you sit around all evening talking to yourself. 1. You want to wait for a shot at double indemnity. From: DREW HASSELBACK Here are the Top-10 reasons I got into Law School. 10. If Vanilla Ice can pass as a musician, I can pass as a lawyer. 9. I'm the only one who applied. 8. Faculty conducting experiment to see if anyone as stupid as I am can survive. 7. Modem-user quota was low. 6. Admissions committee is cheesed off at Dean. I'm their revenge. 5. "I told you guys never to drink before admissions meetings." 4. Someone thought "Hasselback" was actually threat of law suit. 3. Someone thought "Hasselback" was a good name for a lawyer. 2. "If Dan Quayle can do it, why not this knuclehead?" 1. Admissions committee impressed I had the guts to apply with my grades. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows: 10. Phil graduated with honors from the University Of Ego, having majored in Obnoxiousness. 9. Oprah likes to see people cry. 8. Geraldo will say anything to make people cry. 7. Phil tries to be politically correct, but is very intolerant of those who disagree with his views. 6. Oprah really needs to get back on that diet. 5. Geraldo can make a love of chocolate chip cookies into a sensationalistic lustful debasement. 4. Phil loves to make accusatory comments to his guests and audience. 3. Oprah wishes she was a psychiatrist. 2. Geraldo leaves no scum unturned in finding guests for his show. 1. These talk shows are a symptom of the pathetic lives of the viewers. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten More Reasons To Let Your Husband Live: 10. He's worth more alive than dead. 9. He'll bring you soup when you're in bed with a cold. 8. He pretends not to care what you look like in the morning. 7. He'll eat whatever you feed him. 6. He (foolishly) believes that Farrah Fawcett is nothing compared to you. 5. If you close your eyes, you can pretend he's Mel Gibson. 4. He's willing to fire up the BBQ on those days when you just don't feel like cooking in the summer. 3. He likes to watch the same TV shows as you do. 2. He's the only one who'll renovate your house for free. 1. You know his socks are clean because you washed them yourself. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Reasons I Won't Go To Law School: 10. I hate reading the fine print, let alone writing it. 9. The operation to remove my conscience was unsuccessful. 8. Too many lawyer jokes. (eg. How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. What do you have with a million lawyers buried up to their necks in quicksand? Not enough quicksand.) 7. Too much plotting and planning involved in being a lawyer. 6. I never really wanted to drive a Mercedes anyway. 5. Would probably be sent to jail by the first judge I appeared in front of. 4. My nose grows when I tell a lie. 3. There is no number three. 2. Would rather be a doctor and make my fortune from unnecessary surgical procedures. 1. No law school would have me! From: MICHAEL SZELLER Top Ten Things that will get you strange looks at Customs: 10. A Real Sword 9. A Genuine Hangman's Noose 8. Large Amounts of Monopoly Money 7. A Bag of Peruvian Doggy Treats 6. ** THIS ITEM SEIZED BY CUSTOMS ** 5. Nude Photos of Margaret Thatcher 4. Electronic Cameras (What do you mean there's no film?) 3. Genuine German Whoopie Cushions 2. ** THIS ITEM SEIZED BY CUSTOMS ** 1. A Photo Album of Cybil Sheppard on a Bed of Lettuce & Jello (with SPAM Garnish) From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Punch Lines For Jokes: 10. Take your foot off his head. 9. Will one of you go answer the door?!? 8. I've got only two words to say to you: Let go! 7. Spot, are you under the table? If so, get out before this guy sh*ts on you! 6. Grandma got an F in sex. 5. Does this mean I'm going to have puppies? 4. It opens on impact. 3. He couldn't fit the cake into the typewriter. 2. Fifty pounds and a black dress. 1. Me hat'd fall down over me eyes and I wouldn't be able to see a damn t'ing now, would I? From: KENNETH NEWMAN 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows: � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Wow. That list was, like a picture of Rosanne Barr in her underwear, both scary and accurate. Recently, at great effort and expense I managed to hunt down a copy of the June 1973 issue of Penthouse magazine because it has a long interview with a brilliant and insane film maker named Alejandro Jodorowski. But glancing through the magazine I was struck by how glad I am that I live in 1993 and that we've all, hopefully, put 1973 long behind us. For this issue was like a time capsule. Only a special type of time capsule. A time capsule filled with phenomenally, unbelievably stupid things. I limit myself to a mere ten. TOP TEN PHENOMENALLY, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID THINGS YOU CAN FIND IN A TWENTY YEAR OLD ISSUE OF PENTHOUSE 10. Interviews with deranged South American film directors. 9. Fuzzy pictures (gauze? vaseline on the lens? bad light meter?) of women with long straight hair parted in the middle who like to sit around in sheer coloured stockings staring off into space with a dazed look in their eyes as if someone just whacked 'em in the head with a great big two-by-four. 8. "Quotations" in the margins next to the pictures, laced with brilliant and sensitive commentary. Sample: "I'm a woman [Yeah, no shoe shine, Sherlock! That much is plain to see.] and I'm a sensual being [Geez, I'm glad she told us, otherwise it looks like she's just scratching a bad bug bite] and I need activity for my body as well as my mind [...and one from each of the four food groups!]." [To which someone who was paid cash money to comment added] This feminine integrity is Paula's strongest personal quality. [Now available in a special "feminine integrity" spray or convenient roll-on applicator!] 7. Ads for Three Dog Night 8 track tapes. 6. Enema rock climbing. Nah, just kidding, but it did have phony "letters" from amputee fetishists which might count as Arm Fall Off Girl. 5. Stereo systems as big as a house, including, ironically enough, an ad for a pair of Bose speakers that I am currently using. 4. Ads for posters you can order that depict 12 different positions one can try according to the zodiac in special day-glo colours. This was not as bad as the poster of Mark Spitz. 3. An ad, with no description of the book's contents whatsoever, for a tome entitled, The Naked Chef. Obviously this was before the invention of Cuisinarts! 2. An ad for a men's cologne that comes in a "masculine shape" bottle. The copy reads: STUDD. A man's sexiest companion. The essence of maleness... [Something every owner of a tomcat probably knows a little too much about] unlike any other aroma. Underscores your pipe tobacco, brings the sophisticated primitiveness [Yes!!!!! That's what it says! "Sophisticated primitiveness"!!!! Even a Newman couldn't make that up! Not even with a jereboam or nebuchadnezzar of cheap champagne down his gullet!] of your woman surging to the fore. [As they say on the golf course, FORE! Maybe that's what they mean by foreplay?] 1. An ad for Joe Weider's weight-gaining Crash-Weight Formula #7 for which the 110 lbs "before" picture says, "Tuberculosis, emphysema, chronic bronchial asthma, collapsed lungs, cirrhosis of the liver, narcolepsy, alcoholic, drug addict, a life in and out of hospitals, psychiatric patient, three packs of cigarettes a day, no SEX desire, unloved - only dogs as companions" [This, I take it, is to provoke the intended Penthouse reader, potential client into shouting "Eureka! That's me!"] For the 175 lbs "after" picture, in which an enormous wart in the shape of an overendowed woman has mysteriously grown out of his left arm, the copy reads, "The result today is a muscular man of vitality - athletic, handsome, earning $40,000 a year, cured of the sickness that used to plague him and now - surrounded by beautiful girls!" From: KENNETH NEWMAN 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � Top Ten Other Things Kenneth Is Made Up Of � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 10. Water. 9. Carbon-based material. 8. Chutzpah. 7. Almost unbearably sincere humility. 6. A riddle wrapped up inside an enigma ensconsed in a jello glaze. 5. A Thin Man trying to get out and, failing that, trying to get his mitts on a young Myrna Loy. Which reminds me, did you ever notice how Basil Rathbone, in his portrayal of Richard III in "The Tower of London" looked just like Barbara Stanwyck on "The Big Valley" ? 4. An irrepresible though cheerful mass of oozing, twitching polymorphous desire whose only regret in life is the intervening stretch between being weaned and getting married during which he had to make do with Yoo-hoo and Twitzers. 3. Some pocket lint from Michael Szeller (gotta remember to ask Mom about that!) 2. The brains of a Playboy bunny in the body of an ex-Secretary of State with a strong accent, not to mention Elvis's sense of humour and Lucille Ball's musical ability. 1. A Mommy and a Daddy who loved him so much that whenever they would move they left a forewarding address. From: JOE NIDEROST Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop: 10. You are spending more time with your bbs than Wife/ Significant Other 9. You Haven't Replied to any Mail to you thinking I'll Get to IT 8. You test a Door locally and it works but Locks Up when a user tries it. You of course don't relize it because you don't read the mail 7. You decide to add 10 National Echo nets with a total of 1000 message areas and just found out how much time it Will take. 6. You rebuild the entire BBS just for fun even though you have 25 other Sysop's calling for NetMail. 5. You are about to go on Vacation 4. You have no one to blame when things break 3. You have poor Admin Skills. 2. You have not Idea what to do next 1. You are Lazy!!!!! From: JOE NIDEROST Top ten things _YOU_Won't_find in a single guys Place: 10. Washer/Dryer 9. CookBook 8. Instructions for Anything 7. China 6. Laundry Basket 5. Clean Dishes 4. The Sink 3. The Floor 2. Food 1. Anything Femine Top Ten Most Common things Found in a Single Guys Place 10. Left over Pizza 9. Dirty Dishes 8. Clothes Clean/Dirty 7. Sports Equipment 6. Old Sneakers 5. Empty Beer Cans 4. UnOpened Mail 3. Stereo/TV 2. Phone 1. Bed From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of: 10. Valor. 9. Mastercard usage. 8. Gossip. 7. A husband getting fed by his wife. 6. Soup stains on your chin. 5. Jello in your pants. 4. SPAM flavored underwear. 3. Playing darts with the visually impaired. 2. Being used as a restroom by a giant doberman. 1. Standing on your head and typing backwards on your keyboard using only your tongue while wearing SPAM flavored underwear. From: SANDY ILLES HAHAHAHA! I can picture the gravestone now: "Here lies Kenneth Newman. He was almost unbearably and sincerely humble but worked at it until he achieved his life's goal of just being unbearable." Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone: 10. Keep off the grass. 9. Trespassers will be haunted. 8. What are you lookin' at? 7. What, me dead? 6. Warning: Sandy has all the necessary qualities to be an excellent poltergeist. 5. I'm not dead - I'm just sleeping and rotting at the same time. 4. Six feet under and proud of it! 3. Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? 2. R.I.P. graphics now available! 1. Carrier dropped for the rest of eternity. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten More Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop: 10. Your wife gives birth and you find out about it in netmail. 9. You think Pepsi and potato chips make a nutritionally sound meal. 8. You know everything about your users but have no idea how old your firstborn is. 7. You no longer read the newspaper because everything you need to know is posted in netmail. 6. You have time to expand your conferences and setup new doors, but don't have time to change a lightbulb. 5. You've learned to get by on three hours sleep. 4. You can find money for a 16.8 D/S, a 1 gig hard drive, and a CDRom, but can't afford to fix that rickety step out front that someone will undoubtedly break their leg on sometime soon. 3. You try to hit the F key to screen capture some interesting images off the TV. 2. You say ROTFL and no one at work understands what you're talking about. 1. Your speech is so peppered with BBSese that people think you've learned a new language. Bonus: You understand the Zmodem docs. From: KENNETH NEWMAN TOP TEN REASONS WHY KENNETH NEWMAN IS NOT AN ADVERTISING COPY WRITER 10. What do you like to start your day with? Scrapple? Cranapple? Snapple? Well, how about trying the great new treat - SPAMapple Punch! Yes, someone will punch you in the face with a boxing glove with a can of SPAM hidden inside it! What a way to start your day! 9. Ladies! Ever reach into your pocketbook when you want some femine integrity spray and accidentally whip out your cannister of mace? Who hasn't? Well now Johnson and Johnson has solved your problem with new FDCS spray - it's two, two, two gases in one! 8. Hey Kids! Tired of the same old "Water Weenie" and M16 Water Cannon/Assault Rifle? Well, we've got just the thing for you - Water Kitty! Looks just like a real cat with fur and everything! Just fill it up with water, it'll expand like a Japanese blowfish that's just seen a picture of Liberace in a pair of hot pants! Then go up on the roof and throw in in the path of a moving car! Mom'll have a cow! Heck, she might even have kittens! 7. Jock itch. It's no laughing matter. Unless you don't have it! And if you use our new Scratch'n'Win spray you won't have it so you'll be able to point your finger and laugh at every other guy in the locker room or clubhouse that does have it! Buy some today and start laughing! 6. Poor Juan goes to his village school hungry every day. And yet Sally Struthers could feed a whole village of hungry youngsters for three months by herself alone. And we don't mean on the proceeds of her ads for correspondent schools. Margot Kidder could feed a nomadic clan of rainforest dwellers for a year. And Shelley Winters, well....just think of the possibilities. Won't you dig down deep and give to help send blubbery, washed up actresses to people who can really use them? It's not like we need 'em! And if you think you can ignore our plea, forget it buster. We're going to repeat this ad at least 30 times before this movie is over. This is what you get for staying up late and watching Wonder Woman reruns. So don't look down your nose at us! 5. If you think farhfegnugen is a kind of disgusting little biscuit made with dried fruit, then maybe you need a Yugo. Yugo - a name you can pronounce, from a place that doesn't exist anymore! Own a piece of ancient history! 4. Have you hugged your step-daughter today? Well, don't! Not unless you want her to suddenly remember it 30 years down the road as some kind of perverted grab. - a message from your friendly Lawyers Who Don't Want To Make Much Money Society. 3. What is a hamburger? It's not ham, it's chopped steak! So put some A1 sauce on it! And what is a hot dog? Dog meat? Well, maybe, maybe not. Who the heck knows? But just in case it is, you're going to want to put even more A1 on that "tube steak" to mask the taste! 2. With Guido's Insurance, Everyone is eligible for coverage! For just dollars a day! We'll cover you against Sudden Unexplained Accidents, Mysterious Explosions, Leaky Break Fluid, Random Sniper Fire. [cut to shot of worried looking woman clutching her husband] "No health problems were caused! No masked gunmen visited our home!" 1. Follow the fun-filled antics of Arm Fall Off Boy! Experience the thrills, chills and discomfort of Enema Rock Climbing! Be regaled with constant inexplicable references to jello, non-stick kitchen utensils, SPAM, Cybil Shepherd and other amazingly life-like objects! More fun than having your face ripped off by weasels! More exciting than hearing a dart tournament on the radio! Safer than having sex with a teenager! Win valuable proses! Join the C2C TOP TEN Conference today! From: RICHARD PLATEL And now, for your reading pleasure, Top-Ten productions is proud to present the top, Top Ten for the week of August 8 to 14 � Area: C-Top Ten 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 From: Jan Perkins To: James Ashford Subj: ROMAN PEACHES 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top Ten List of Situations where the Spirit of Scientific Investigation (or pig-headed curiousity) can cause Major Problems. 10. You wonder why they tell you to let the expresso maker cool before dismantling to clean. 9. You really want to know just how cold that swirly blue liquid that cools wine in a few seconds is. 8. After the experience referred to by James in #5 above, you look up classification of burns in a medical text and decide to test your burn. When you regain consciousness, you realise that not only is sensation intact, but you now have a head injury. 7. Your Chemistry classmate told you that sulpuric acid stains skin yellow. You find a bottle of conc. sulfuric and decide to test this scientifically. 6. You wonder what will happen if you knock that little rocking thing on top of the pressure cooker off. 5. The person in your Chemistry class also tells you ammonia clears your sinuses. Suffering from allergies, you decide to do an n of 1 study on the subject. You wake up in emerg. with your head wound being stitched. 4. During a timed test to see whether paring carrots away or towards your body is more efficient, you cut the back of your finger quite badly. Your previous perusal of the medical book during the head injury hospitalisation taught you how to test for cut tendons. Unfortunately you don't sit down first, and faint when the test gives you a "funny" feeling. When you regain consciousness ... 3. Having seen an eccentric relative do a rough test of AA batteries by placing the battery between tongue and wet finger tip you try a similar test. It's a pity the only battery you can find is a 6 volt one ... 2. You read that rolling naked in the dew in an open field on may day cures all minor skin ailments. One paper boy, two joggers and a phalanx of power walkers are unaware of this quaint old custom and your dawn outing puts you in court. 1. You wonder if your swallowing muscles are strong enough to let you drink coke from a straw while standing on your head. _______________________________________________________________________ Thanks, and drive safely. Richard Platel C2C Top-Ten Conference Moderator. From: SANDY ILLES Top Ten Things I'd Advertise If I Was A Copywriter: 10. Diced beer. No, not iced beer. This stuff has to be cut into chunks before being consumed. 9. Bluetiful beer. Labatt's beautiful, blue beer... it looks sick but can make you DWI just as well as any other highly advertised intoxicating substance. 8. Bellbottom long distance service. Now you can keep in touch with all those hippies you knew back in the '60's. 7. Unitellusallaboutit. They want to hear the sad stories you have concerning Bell's long distance rates. 6. Sesame speed buns. For ecologists who hate driving slow. 5. Two all-beef Patty's (recipe by Jeffrey Dahmer). 4. Canadian coins. They're worth nothing to spend so you might as well collect them. 3. Lettuce and jello with a side order of SPAM and a picture of Cybil Sheppard on the label. 2. Thought balloons. 1. Your eternal soul if it will get me a better spot in the lineup at the supermarket. :)