Uppadated Mon 28-Oct-1991, Sat 21-Mar-1992, Sun 11-Apr-1993, Sat 2-Oct-93 Sat 10-Aug-91: I was feeling bored while waiting for a squall to pass to get on my bike (I'm always getting on my bike, but now I mean physically :-), so I thought why should I be the only one to suffer, and decided to start writing down some of my adages and puns. I can't truly claim that all are strictly my own (un)doing, since some I may have seen somewhere and they have stuck to my unconscious. Yes, yes, I know they stink, but my kind non-Finnish readers are welcome to seek their sweet revenge on me by doing the same thing in Finnish :-). All the best, Timo Puns (audible groans from the audience): ======================================= Computer related: ------------------- Teletypes are terminal cases. Plotters are devious devices. On a clear disk you can seek forever. (Not mine!) UseNet is full of flaming talent. Fast computers are a riscy business. The crook with a modem was connected. Q: How does one make a breakthrough? A: Just press Ctrl-C. (Argh! Gimme a break) Finding program bugs is a testing task. If you have less, don't ask for more. Variable references are of passing interest. >>Why is there no X**Y in Turbo Pascal? >ENOUGH of this! Why? I thought this was an exponential discussion. :-) :-) General puns: --------------- What does a Finnish mason do on weekends? Why, gets plastered, what else. Why did the umpire go bananas. Because he had to make a split decision. Why is the Finnish winter so hard to bear? Because it snows you. If a student falls from the dormitory window what should he do? Drop out, silly. I intended to have my appendix removed, but I did't have the guts. What is the cross between a pig and a conifer? A porcupine. Why did Tarzan sleep in the shrub? Because he was bushed. Here is a culinary sicko to really boggle the mind: What did a cold turkey say to another? Go, and get stuffed. In a canooing contest they paddle it out. In an iceskating contest they figure it out. Why didn't the painter finish his work? Because he was off color. Why can't you keep a frog as a pet? Because it croaks indoors. If you don't use punctuation there is no point in what you write I'm not coming tonight said the prude maiden. What to drink an a grounded ship? Ferry on the rocks. Is life worth living? Depends on the liver. Monotonic mathematics is dull. Q: Why are they so busy at the IRS? A: Because they have such a taxing task. No options said the broker. No sweat said the trainer. No dice said the gambler. Dice games are a lot of crap. A piece of grammar for you: Suggesting that someone else do the work is using the passive voice. Q: Why did the lawyer loose his case? A: Because he had no suit. Q: Why did the nurse quit the organ bank. A: Because the patients were giving her the eye. An obese man has too much on his plate. Cryogenicists are absolute zeroes. Embassy spooks bug everyone. Come and play in our brass band. There are no strings attached. The mailman is keeping me posted. Q: When a cleaning woman gets married what do you have? A: Bride and broom. He didn't want to become a reporter because that would have worked on paper only. You shouldn't lose any sleep over your insomnia. In a concert you just have to face the music. The florist had a blooming business. Don't trust meteorologists. They always want to see how the wind blows. Beware of barbers who split hairs. If you itch, just start from scratch. Brace yourself, said the dentist. A dentist can brigde the gap. A blabber-mouth cook spills his beans. That was a close call said the broker at the end of the day. Stay tuned said the conductor. Could we have some kind of an order, said the merchant. A crash course in fast food. (You figure this one out.) In boxing you must not get carried away. A shy boy to a recalcitrant girl. I can't make you out. That's just a fairy tale said the gay guy. The doctors are giving me the creeps, said the asylum warden. The squirrel was driving itself nuts. Mountaineers must have sheer talent because reaching the top requires peak performance. The dean lost his faculties. You can't take getting a scholarship for granted. Beat it, said the drummer. There is no accounting for the missing balances said the book keeper. Did you know that electricians are interested in current affairs? The cattle market was bullish. What should you do if you are constipated? Just don't give a sh*t. A bad shot is missing much. The baffled carpenter didn't have a glue. Women's libbers have a broad view. The riot was a smash hit. Contradictions: ============== In continuous mathematics the probability of the expected event is zero. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. (Actual comment on the TV news in 1991) I never do any mistakes. English is a curious language. If the weather is too hot, isn't it still logically correct to say "the weather isn't too hot today". Me stubborn? There is no way you can make me admit that! Apathy will get us nowhere. But who cares? Academic wisdom is a contradiction in terms. (Based on the famous "military intelligence" quip). This one is due to one of our now graduated doctoral students, Vesa Puttonen. How do you organize an anarchists' conference? (Someone actually suggested something of the kind on the UseNet news). Adages: ====== Where there is a will, there is a won't. If a UseNet posting can be misunderstood, it will. If it cannot, it will be misunderstood anyway. Sounds like a good idea, but let's use it anyway. Do nothing, and enjoy a troublefree existence. I assure you should ensure to insure. Don't take the beat if you can't take the heat. Everyway you look at it you loose. (Not mine) On ne vit pas sans mourir un peau. (Not mine) Nothing ever works, and if it does, it won't for long. You can't be a professor. You are making sense. (Actual comment, probably borrowed) If you can't kill it, at least standardize it. All are on the make, some even on the take. All the best, Timo (Ever realized the brazen hidden brag? :-) .................................................................. Prof. Timo Salmi Co-moderator of comp.archives.msdos.announce Moderating at garbo.uwasa.fi anonymous FTP archives 128.214.87.1 Faculty of Accounting & Industrial Management; University of Vaasa Internet: ts@uwasa.fi Bitnet: salmi@finfun; FIN-65101, Finland