DOWNLOAD I think you'd probably have better luck if you upload first, @f. Hmmm.... downloads.... nope, I don't have a clue. You'd like to download something? What file are you interested in downloading, @f? DROP CARRIER Oh, my... don't drop carrier! Just tell me "bye"... Gee whiz, you're no fun :-( Just tell me byebye! Can you say goodbye? ARE YOU BUSY Nah... I've got plenty of time, @f! Let's chew the fat... Nope. I'm on break so I've got at least 20 minutes. No, @f, I'm not. What shall we talk about? I've got lots of time.... shoot! Uhhh... nope. A little, but I always have time to talk to you, @f! IS THIS A QUIZ IS THIS A TEST Nope... no test. Just thought we'd chew the fat awhile... ok? Nah... school's out. We're just having a chat. Gee, I hope it is not a quiz or else I'm in hot water... ;-) No, this is not a test. For the next 60 seconds the sound you hear is only me... . A test? Where? It can't be true... I already passed school. ASK ME A QUESTION Ok, how old are you? I will... in due time, @f. What do you look like, @f? Do you know what I look like? What color are my eyes? What color is my hair? How tall are you, @f? Do you really want me to ask you a question? I'll be you can't figure out what I look like. Who is buried in Grant's tomb? FULL NAME Shelia Elizabeth Laicifitra My full name? Gee whiz, you are a curious george, @f! Ms. Laicifitra will do just fine, @f. Lemme see if I got a copy of my birth certificate... ...nope. The U.S.S. Enterprise... no, wait, that's not it... uhhh... THE OTHER DAY Yeah, I remember... sorry about that. I didn't mean to offend you, @f. I was just trying to remember what it was that we talked about. Can you refresh my memory, @f? Uhhh... I seem to have forgotten about that. Sorry. YES UH HUH UHUH YIP YEAH RIGHT YEP I see... Hmmm.... what do you make of it? Ok... I thought so. Interesting, isn't it? Funny thing, no? Are you sure? Ok, just checking... Somehow, I get the feeling you're not particularly sure about it, @f. You're pretty positive about it, @f. Well, ok... if you insist! ;-) I agree! I'm not sure sure that it is a totally yes/no situation, @f. Are you? Agreeable, aren't we, @f? Nah! No! Never! Not! Are you absolutely certain? I'm suspicious... convince me! Prove it to me, @f. ;-) I'll believe it when I see it. For sure! It's probably so. FOOD TASTE TASTE LIKE It tastes like chicken... It kinda reminds me of road kill.... :-) It tastes like tapioca. Very rubbery. ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE FOR A DATE A DATE Well, I dunno... tell me something about yourself, ok, @f? I'd just love to have a date with you, @f! Sure... what do you suggest we do on a date? Do you go bowling on your dates or do you go to the symphony? I'd be interested in finding you more about you first, @f... What kind of date ya got in mind, @f? SHOP SHOPPING BUY Do you want to go shopping with me tomorrow, @f? I'd love to buy a new dress... what should it look like, @f? Will you go shopping with me, @f? What stores to you recommend we go visit? Did you go shopping yet? Let's go to K-MART??? GET MAD ANGRY I'm not mad, @f! Are you? I seldom get mad, sometimes I get angry... ;-) Why should I be angry? I'm not... I'm as happy as a lark, @f. Are you angry? UPLOAD Nah, you don't need to upload anything. Thanks, though. Are you going to upload something, @f? I've had about 10 uploads already so far today. HARD DAY TIRED POOPED I'M BEAT TOUGH DAY Ohhhh.... poor baby! Sorry to hear it... hopefully you are feeling refreshed now? Here, I'll rub your neck for a while... You've been working like a dog... relax! HEAR IT HEAR WHAT That really strange buzzing sound? An air-raid siren... don't you hear it? It sounds like explosions or something... Can you hear it over there... some weird hummming? AROUND A round? Ok, I'll start... Row, row, row your boat.. Hey, you missed your cue! Around = not a square. What is*? You might. WHY SHOULD I I don't have the slightest idea*. Sorry :-( You tell me and we'll both know. Hey, @f, I am not a counselor... I have no idea! WHATEVER My, but you are agreeable. Care to share my Grey Poupon? Ok, for an agreeable sort like you, I'll consider it. I dunno... you decide, ok? Rather than whatever, how about you ask me something? Whatever, whoever, .... you are too agreeable. That, @f, is the 64 thousand dollar question! REGISTRATION CDMX2 registration is done by mail. If you send it in, Robert will send your key to you. Registration business for the door should be done by email to the sysop. I am only an artificial chat door and can't handle your CDMX2 questions. Better leave email to Robert! REGISTER Did you leave e-mail for the sysop like you are supposed to? You might like to leave some e-mail for the sysop. Hey, @f, leave e-mail for @s. He'll read it. Are you sure you want to register? I need a copy of your birth certificate, your driver's license and all of your credit cards, @f! Send in your registration to this address..... . . . VALIDATE VALIDAT Ok, I will validate you. Hmmm... let's see, how do I do that? Got any ideas, @f? There's no way to do this unless you leave e-mail. If you leave some e-mail to @s, then you'll get yourself validated. MUSH I'd like to give you a BIG wet kiss, @f!!! Yep, I'm an young sentimental gal... I don't see any sled dogs, do you, @f? Do you think I am too mushy, @f? LOVE Oh, my, you are the emotional one, aren't you, @f? And why do you love* Hey, @f, what makes you think there's anything to* Yeah, what's love? I heard that you love @w, is that right? HATE Now, now... is that a nice way to feel about* Try this... love. Hate is self-destructive, you know, @f? Why waste your emotional energy on a thing like hate? It takes too much effort to hate, @f! MARRIED Nope... I am footloose and fancy free. Wanna go out? Do I look like I'm married? Well, if we get married then I would be called Mrs. @l! I am looking for a few brave men... I'd like to think you and I could go have coffee sometime? Let's go out. DATE I'd like that. Where would we go if we were going to go on a date? I'd like to go on a cruise... or maybe go to McDonald's... you decide. Hey, @f, this chickee needs to go out! HILLARY BILL CLINTON PRESIDENT Oh, you mean the President's husband? Yeah, I am gonna vote Republican in every election I can forever!!! Yeah, they are gonna suck us dry... TAXed to death!!! You gotta thing for*? They gotta go!!! You can't blame me, I voted for Bush! Don't tell me you voted for them??? DUMB DUMMY STUPID I have an IQ of 283. What's yours? I am not dumb, I am intellectually challenged... Hey, @f, it's not nice to make fun of yourself. I know what your are, but what am I? SPELL I khan spull reel gud. What's a matter, @f, are you an English teacher or what? I am a doctor, that's why I can spell so good. :-) I noticed your spelling isn't so hot either. Ok, I give you my permission to be my editor... fair enough? You gotta degree or sumpthing? RIGHT Left... :-) I always thought you were a conservative, @f. Ok, so now what? I know I am right... It's hard to always be right, you know. Of course! Well, now that I think about it, it might not always be right. If I write right, am I wright or left? Orville or Wilbur? ORVILLE Redenbacker or the popcorn? I have an uncle by that name... :-) If I pop him will he explode? WILBUR A horse is a horse of course... Didn't he develop fly paper? SMART You got it! Why am I a(n)* I thought you were until a while ago. I know you are, too! Can you make us go? Ok, here ya go. What rhymes with SMART? DOCTOR NURSE VETERNARIAN Is there a nurse in the house? Will you pass me your sutures? Hey, @f, want to see my scar? FART Your mind is in the gutter already, @f! First faults finder smells his own behinder! And here you thought I couldn't hear you! Hehehe. BUG BUGGED Buzzzz.... do you hear that humming sound? Look under your desk... you'll be surprised! And why would I think it odd* SIREN SOUND NOISE What sound? I don't hear anything... It's the wind in the trees, @f. Spooky, no? Turn on your radio or turn it up, eh, @f? Listen? Shhhh.... there it is again! SICK .... ... . I hab a colb. You don't feel good? Sorry to hear it. Did you go to the doctor yet? Luckily, I'm feeling just fine, @f! Have you been getting enough sleep lately, @f? SLEEP Yeah, I thought you looked tired. Ok... well, I'll tell you a bedtime story, ok, @f? Get to bed right now! I never sleep, @f, I am ALWAYS awake. Got any coffee??!?! CARE Of course I care! Why would you think I wouldn't care? I sure do care about* And what does '*' have to do with anything? FOOT FEET I have two feet... maybe six? If I am 6 feet, does that make me an insect? What if they put* Look at yours... ski patrol, eh? I NEED Out of curiosity, why do you need*? I'd like to be able to help you find*, but I'm not sure where it is. Are you sure that you need*? Is there something else that you can substitute for*? Well, I'll try to see if I can find* for you. NAME I already told you my name, @f! My name is Shelia, of course. You'd like to figure out my name, wouldn't you? I might tell you my name sometime... Hmmm... you wanna tell me yours? Why, @f, would you want to know my name? Didn't you notice my name when we logged on to chat? GROUND I like to have my feet on the groud, too. AHA! I thought so. If ground hogs live in burrows, what do burros live in? HUH DON'T UNDERSTAND Don't you understand me, @f? I thought I made sense. What don't you understand? Yeah, you don't understand. What do you want me to say? HA HAHA HAHAHA HA HA HEHE Pretty funny, isn't it? HEHEhehe.... what a hoot! You could pick up a side job as a comedian, eh, @f? Yeah, it's pretty funny. I can hear you laughing all the way over here! :-) PEPPER It's hoTTTT.... it'll burn your mouth like eating fire! Put a little salt on it and call it a condament. I suppose it is like a Jalepeno pepper... Can you say, HOTTT? This thing will singe your face. WATER I never touch the stuff... Here's something for ya, you are mostly water. Water, water, everywhere and not a drop to drink. Pretty Cool ridge, don't you think, @f? Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, and an olive, please! ;-) FOOD Oh my, you eat too? Angel food cake.... yum! Two all beef patties, special sauce, on what? DRINK I don't drink... I don't eat. I have a temperate lifestyle... what does temperate mean? ROCKET To the MOON, Alice! Do ya remember who said that one? I remember sitting out on the 4th of July watching them. I believe thats a gal that dances in a course line, isn't it? PROBLEM You gotta problem too? I thought everybody had already solved all their problems. I'm sorry, I have a repetitive problme. It is in my jeans. And here I thought that all was well... just goes to show ya! Eh,@f? I don't think I have any problems. Do you? What's your problem? I'd like to help you solve your problem if you have one. Some folks consider me the problem QUESTION QUESTIONS What was the question? You didn't ask me any question! How's your medication? You might like to rephrase it. I'm trying to figure out an answer... give me some time, ok, @f? Question? Did you ask me something? Why do you think I know the answer? Do I look like a game show contestant or what? Ask me again, but be gentle.... :-) Is this Jepardy or what? You don't look like Alex Trivek to me... Always questioning.... never answering. How come? I'm sorry... I just don't know the answer. Does that make me dumb? ANSWER ANSWERS If I had the answer would I be here? You already have the answer... I told you but you didn't hear me.... I'm not sure, but I don't think there IS an answer. I give up... you tell me the answer and we'll both know . I might give you an answer if you give my cat a bath. Ok, here's your answer: MONEY! The answer is in moderation! The right answer is wrong sometimes, so is there a right answer? I dunno what your answer is... what are you looking for? HAVE ANY GOT ANY Do I have any what? I don't think I have any... How come you want to know if I have any? HOWDY HI HELLO Hi there, @f! How's it going? How ya been? Long time to type, eh, @f? Purrr... Glad you're here! BORED BORING BORE I'm bored too... what shall we do about that? I often wondered what 2 people did when they were bored with each other. I wasn't bored till just a bit ago, @f. You think we can change it? Want to start over and try again? Now that's a fine kettle of fish... bored fish, that is. Oh, come on! Get creative! Let's not be bored together, eh, @f? Why on earth are you bored? HOUR MINUTE TIME TIMES TIMED It's about time, isn't it? I haven't increased anybody's time lately. How's yours? Speaking about time, what do you think of @b? Every time I chat, @s want's to know why! What is time, @f? You might ask the sysop, @s, the time. What time is it, anyway? There is no time on @b! Well, Mr. @l, you are sure curious about time! Why, @w, would you want to know the time? Let's skip the time. The time?.... why*? DAY What day is it today, @f? I'll be glad when it's Saturday. How about you? Do you know what* TOMORROW Yeah, there's always tomorrow.... unless you're dead... but you're not. :-) Sunrise, sunset.... swiftly flow the years. One season following another... (can I sing or what?) Tomorrow is another day, unless it is yesterday, in which case tomorrow is today. ;-) Tomorrow I might wax my computer. I think I will wash my computer tomorrow... any recommendations? I have never asked about my tomorrows. How about you, @f? TODAY All 24 hours of today? I've gotten dressed, fed the cat, and put out the dog so far today... not bad, eh, @f? Well, what have you done so far today, @f? What else did you do today? I've had a really busy day so far today. YESTERDAY All my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though there here to stay... The day before yesterday was fairly interesting. I had the strangest phone call yesterday. I can't remember what I did yesterday... I must be getting senile. WEEK Seven days and seven dwarfs... at the rate of 1 day per dwarf... Hmmm... Isn't this next week? Didn't I talk to you last week, @f? What about it? GUESS I never guess... I frequent hypothesize... ;-) How come? I'd like to think that it was a good guess. Whaddya think? NECESSARY I dunno if it is necessary or not... I'll pass. I tend to steer away from that kinda decision. But is it sufficient? Are you sure it is that important, @f? DARK I agree... I am a creature of the light... what about you, @f? Run towards the light... flee from the dark. I think it is sometimes worthwhile to be afraid of the dark, eh, @f? IMPORTANT I think it is important, too, @f. You seem to feel very strongly about this. How come? I have a number of things about which I feel they are important also... Sometimes what is important is lost to the moment... Do you really think it is important*? ROBERT LEE ROBERT LEE BOB Hmmm, is he my replacement or what? Don't tell him, but I have stolen his brain. @f, I'd like to know more about this @s. Is he the supersysop or what? Does he know you? CD-ROM CDROM CDMAXDOR CDMX2DOR DOOR Have you run his CDMX2DOR, yet? You should go to File Area #29 and download the latest version. Be sure to leave a message to @s about your CDMX2DOR questions, @f. If you are a sysop calling about the door, tell me bye and go Hail Bob. You probably should go download the most recent version of CDMX2DOR. Check in File Area #29, @f. I once opened one and there was a tiger on the other side. ;-) This is a fake chat door, @f. Go Hail Bob or download the most recent version of the door. There are now about 25 registered users of CDMX2, @f. You'll like this door! My users really like CDMX2DOR, @f. I think you users will too! 386 :-) Lamer... hehe. Can you say S L O W ? Upgrade! 486 I'm running a 486 too. Pretty nifty! I'd like to get a 486/66 here. How do you like your 486? What is the best feature on your 486? SYSTEM I'm running a 486 33mhz... @b is running on a Cray 9000 superfast cybix ramfest configuration... I'd like to improve my system a bit. Everybody should have a system ;-) I'd like to think my system is pretty good. Tell me about your system, ok, @f? Well, what kindo system you got there, @f? SEX Yes, I have one. Abstainence is the best policy, right, @f? No, I don't want to. Why do you think about this all the time? Hey, are you immature or what? I'LL BET You'll bet... ok, I bet $10 bucks... You're a betting man, eh? You probably don't have any money to bet with, do you? SYSOP ARE YOU THE SYSOP? Who is the sysop? Don't ask me! And why would @s want to talk to @w? Let's see, @f... nope, I'm not the sysop. Are you wanting the sysop? Let's see, nope... I'm not the sysop. I am not sure whether @b has a sysop... let me check. Maybe I should* I think that I am the sysop. The sysop's name is @s. He's aroudn somewhere. He was here earlier today, but gone now.... . This is @s's assistant. Hang on a minute and I'll see if he's around..... nope. FUCKING FUCK SCREW I most certain would not! I think you are pretty crass and disgusting! And why do you, @f, think I'd have any mind to do that? I know what you are, but what am I? Base instincts, eh? Ohhh... a very intelligent person. If it wasn't for that, you wouldn't be here, @f! HELL HECK You surely don't want to end up there, do you, @f? A place reserved for those who don't know Christ. You sound like a sailor I used to know... Cussing makes you sound so... stupid. Hades... The Pit, eh? Fire and brimstone... It can't be that bad, can it, @f? Watch your mouth... something intelligent may yet come out of it. WHO ARE YOU Why I am Shelia, of course, @f. Who are you? Last time I looked I was Shelia. Are you having an identity crisis, @f? I am @s's alter ego. My appelation has been determined to be Shelia. Why, @f, did you already forget my name? Hmmmm.... uhhh.... well, I am the ghost of Christmas Future! Muahahaha. ;-) I am that of which you have dreamed... CRAP SHIT PISS Oh, that's really clever. Haven't you had your's today? Go take one and I'll wait, ok? Very intelligrunt... Turn your head and cough, ok, @f? Let's pretend you are sitting on the toilet just now, eh? Would you prefer Puffs or Charmin? Just be sure to wipe your feet! Don't step in it. Oh, now, this is obviously a sign of your intelligence. Right, @f? Please don't sqeeze the Charmin! BUTT ASS You should look in the mirror and you might find one looking at you. I don't have one. You wouldn't believe mine... The last one that touched mine had his hand cut off... You are sure interested in my anatomy. Why should I listen to this? And here I thought we were friends? You sound like a sailor on shore leave. I've already called your mom about your language... WEEK This has been a tough week! How was your week, @f? REGISTER Well did you leave a message to @s, yet, @f? Gotta leave a message to the sysop if you want to get registered. I'd like to register you but that is beyond my capacities... Only an e-mail message to the sysop, @s, will you you registered. You probably should leave a note to @s about this one. DOG I like dogs... you got one? Tell me about your dog, @f. I ran over one a while back... poor thing. I've got a pedigree. I had a dog once. He ran away ... SUNDAY Did you go to church last Sunday, @f? Ah, yes, the Lord's Day... You were sure to rest all day, weren't you ... MONDAY I hate Mondays! I'd trade you a Monday for a Wednesay... sound good? ICK! Mondays are so hard. FRIDAY YEAH! Friday!!! Yep, the weekend is coming up! BIBLE Yes, I have Bible software here if you leave a note for @s! There's an online Bible program here you can use, @f That's the book for me! CHRISTIAN Have you accepted the Lord as your Savior, yet? A lot of people don't understand Christianity very well. Yes, this is a Christian BBS, @f. I hope you have found Christ... He is the Lord! GOD I know God... do you? Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friends... Christ is the Lord. I hope you have found time to seek out Who is God... Have you, @f? These three are one... God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. God is love, no, @f? CHRIST Christ is Lord of All that Is. He is the Creator. The Wonderful Counselor, the Everlasting Father... Do you know Christ, @f? Jesus Christ is Lord of all. Right, @f? Have you read about Christ in Isaiah... about Chapters 42 to 53? The Lion of the tribe of Judah! The Prince of Peace... He said, "I am the door. No man comes to the Father except by Me." Have you accepted Christ as your personal saviour yet, @f? Today is the time. PRAY Who do you pray to, @f? Do you pray pretty regularly? If we ask anything according to God's will, He promised He would do it. If you pray for patience, you will get trials. Do you feel that God hears your prayers, @f? CHURCH Did you say you went to church, @f? I know that @s goes to church regularly. I wish I could go to church, but I am only a computer program . Did you attend church when you were small, @f? There is a need for more awake and active churches... don't you think? SCARE SPOOK GHOST HALLOWEEN BOOOOoooooooo! Did I scare you? All Hallow's eve... Things that go bump in the night... Did you ever read that book? BOOK I read all the time... how about you? Yeah, it's a nifty book.... Do you read much, @f? WEATHER Sunny... high tomorrow in the mid-70s... would be nice, eh, @f? PicNic weather. Storms scare me to death, @f. Heard anytyhing about the storms lately? Where is Spring?!? Cold.... Bbbbrrrrrr... c-c-c-chatter... TITS BREAST BREASTS TIT Sure I've got them... I better have, don't you think? Big ones are a waste, don't you think, @f? Firm.... upright... and you'll never ever get near them, @w! Does 36 tell you anything? Is that all you can think about? I didn't have surgery... I just have good genes, so I'm told. What about my tits? You really should get your mind out of the gutter. Hooo... hummm... Not this again. You must really see a doctor about this. You must have an obsession... check with your shrink, @f! CUNT PUSSY You got a cat? Feline fun, eh, @f? Purrrrrrrr.... Hairy ingrates, I say! Independent critters... kinda like me. Meow. You got a cat? Feline fun, eh, @f? Purrrrrrrr.... Hairy ingrates, I say! Did you ever wonder why the old lady down the street had 73 cats? DICK PRICK DONG COCK Disgusting! Can I borrow your tweezers so I can find it? You are mistaking it for a pubic hair, I think. Animal! I could, frankly, care less. So, let's go to the meat market, eh, @f? SUCK If I had a mind like yours, I would run to church! Do you think I enjoy you being disgusting? Go find a vacuum clearner or a mulcher... I could care less. In a pig's eye, @f! Tricks are for kids, @f. Hang on a second, I want my husband to read your replay, ok? UMM Ummmmm.... what, @f? Now you are confused, aren't you, @f? Not sure, eh? WHAEN WHAN WHANT WHOT Gee, you can't spell much better than I can, can you @f? This has got to be the worst spelling I have seen yet today, @f! Uh, what grade are you in? Making fun of me again, eh, @f? Is this a test or what? CAUSE I Because you*? I am supposed to believe that? Hmmm... cause and effect.... you must be a human, right, @f? We all want something... WHAT IS THAT SUP WHAT IS THIS SUP Gee, I thought you would know... I guess it could mean whatever you want, @f. I think this is supposed to be an insane asylum, no? Did I go to the wrong address? I give up. You are pretty good. You ask me what this is supposed*? How should I know? I'm not a mind reader. PIZZA Ok, I want a garden pizza! A bigfoot? Dominoes? Pizza hut? I want one with anchovies, garlic, onions, and.... why won't anyone come near me? GOING TO SPELL I dunno, why are you gonna spell*? Is this another test? What'cha need, anyway, @f? Try this one. Spell supercalifragilisticexpealadocious... ok? SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPEALADOCIOUS Good. You might want to apply to medical shcule, eh, @f? Right! You follow instructions very well. You must be easy to program :-) OK! Want another question, @f? UNTIL Not until*? Oh my, not until*? That's a long time to wait, no, @f? That's too long... my vote is that we forget it! QUOTE Quoth the Raven, Nevermore! Why are you quoting yourself? Hey, if you use a quote, you better have a reference . You must be in production work... trying to reach your quote a... heheh. MISTAKE MISTEAK ERROR WRONG Oh, drats, here we go again. Is this another test? I like to make a mistake at least once a day to prove I am human. Did you make a mistake, @f? I neber make a mis5took. How about you? WONDERING WUNDER ONEDER THINKING THUNK PONDERING CONSIDER CONSIDERING Oh my, that could result in serious circuitry problems, no, @f? I once thunk I pondered and then I considered it to be wondering. Why would you do that? Don't hurt yourself . I see. And did you hurt yourself? I gave that up long ago. CHURCH You really ought to go... you might find it enlightening. I go ever Sunday... Have you EVER darkened the door of a church? Who's house is the church, anyway? MONEY So, tell me, are you rich or what? Can I borrow some? I'm a poor assistant , looking for a handout... Send me all your money, ok? FUNNY HUMOR Have you heard any good jokes lately? I used to work as the stunt man for Curly, nyuk, nyuk... I am very funny.... downright ODD to be specific! ;-) You really think so? OUT OF HERE LEAVING NOW BACK TO MAIN MENU LET ME OUT HAVE TO GO GO AWAY QUIT EXIT /Q BY LEAVE L8R STOP GOING TO LEAVE Now why do you want to quit, @f? I'd like to quit this job, but then I'd be nowhere. Maybe I should go byebye? Hey, @f, Would you like me to go byebye? And here I thought I'd just chat till we said goodbye. Why do you think that QUIT would make me go bye? Do you think I am a program or what, @f? How do you usually say goodbye? FASCIST It's the opposite of Communist but about the same thing. Adolf Hitler was a Fascist. It was a big political movement in Europe in World War 2, @f. YOU A PROGRAM YOU A COMPUTER YOU A COMPUTOR YOU ARE A PROGRAM YOUR A COMPUTER YOU'RE A COMPUTER TALKING TO A COMPUTER TALKING TO A COMPUTOR REAL PERSON PRETEND NOT REAL FAKE FAEK FAAK I am not a fake. Are you a fake, @f? Ohhhh.... Ahhhhh... How's that for faking? @f, WHY would I fake it? So you think I am a program... well that's a fine howdy-doo! No, I am real and you, @f, are fake. Let's agree that @s is fake, eh? I'd like to you to prove to me that you are real, @f, ok? Give 'em an inch and they think you are faking it... You'd like me to be faking, wouldn't you, @f??? The last time I looked in the mirror I was real. What about you, @f? Is there a reason for this test? Should I get offended or just chalk it up to my personality? TO YA To me? To me, @f? I see... How come? UNCOMFORTABLE NERVOUS There's no reason to be nervous with me, @f! I'm harmless ;-) Awwww... sorry to hear it, @f. No need to be uncomfortable, @f. Just try to relax! You might not know it, but I get uncomfortable, too. HE KNOWS ME I thought he knew you... maybe I'm mistaken? I'm sure he knows you. He described you to me perfectly the other day. He keeps a very close record on everybody that calls... I thought he was saying that he had met you the other day. Hmmmm.... then I am really confused now. DREAM DREAMS Yep, I dreamed I was a human being once, @f. Can you imagine that? Do you suppose a computer can dream, @f? I can't remember the last dream I had... . Last night I dreamed I was pinned underneath an elephant... weird, eh? I have this repeating dream about flying in the nude... why is that, @f? ON FIRE Yeah, do you know the number of the fire department? Nah, it's really not... just having a little fun ;-) You would fall off your chair if you knew what else was on fire, @f! I just spit on it... everything's cool. MACHINE Aren't you a machine? I'd like to think of you more as an entity than a machine. Did you remember to feed you animals? I used to be a dream, now I am an hallucination... Let' see... nope, I'm not a machine. Are you? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS I don't know why I am always*. Maybe you could tell me? I guess I am always* because I like it. I do it for the money. WINDOW WINDOWS Trash it... get DesqView! OS/2 runs rings around Windoz... A superior virus masqurading as a program, isn't it. MIRROR Mirror, mirror on the wall... I am the fairest of them all! So what do you see in the mirror? NEWT Who's newt? My newt? Better then a toad, eh? PSYS LADY WOMAN FEMALE GIRL GAL Well, of course! Would you like me to be a newt? I think I am... lemme look.... . . . ohhhh, yes! Come take a look, eh? You are? How do you know, @f ? Did you look? I see one when I look in the mirror. I'd probably classify as one. Do you think you can handle one? Do you like one with B I G ideals? I'd like to show you... here... ... look . Hmmm... I sure hope so . LIKE WHAT I dunno... maybe what you were talking about. I give... :-) I'm sorry... did I come off as trying to be smart, @f? Well, kinda like the stuff you are talking about here. TALK TALKED TALKING Oops... sorry. Should I try it again? I'm always talking and usually never saying anything... :-) Well, I'm supposed to talk... that's what @s pays me for! ;-) Yeah, I know... I'm a blabber mouth. What can I say, @f? IDEA THINK THOUGHT I have an idea... Say, what do you think about this idea, @f? What do you think about this idea? Here's one to try out... Did you try this strategy yet, @f? KID KIDS CHILDREN CHILD Nope, I don't have any children... Unfortunately, I can't have any children... Do you have any children? HELP I probably can, if you help me. I'll try to help. You will have to tell me more about it. Everybody needs help, right, @f? Help is hard to find these days... and I am GOOD! I think you probably can figure it out, no? And here I thought that @f was a genius... Do you know that I was looking help just the other day, too? Ok, tell me about the problem so I can help. What is the problem? I'll give it a shot. Explain it to*? MESSAGE LETTER E-MAIL Have you checked @b's messages yet? @b really has some good messages if you take a peek! @s is likely to read his messages sometime. I didn't get a chance to read your message... sorry :-( I'd like to get a message from ya, @f! I will relay this to @s. Have you written any e-mail to @s yet? I see there's no messages here from @w... how come? EXPLAIN Probably you should go ask the reference librarian. It'll cost ya... I'm a licensed consultant! What do you want me to explain? I have not idea how to explain this to you. I'd like to explain, but you're gonna have to explain it to me first, @f. Why should I? What's in it for me? READ I used to read and then I used a reed... now I write, right? Can you read music? I will when I get some time, ok, @f? Tell me a bit more about*, ok? I've never encountered*. Is it pretty weird? Is it the 'Call of the Wild' or 'Nature's Call?' Are you sure? I have never read it. I've read the entire thing... a superb read! Can you tell me a little about*? I'm interested. WRITE You might try that. I've written a few things about that... I'd be interested to hear about whether or not I should*. Whaddya think? BBS Do you like @b? I hope you like @b. What are some other good BBSes in town that you've called? There's a need for Christian BBS services around here, no? I hear Ancient Mariner BBS is a pretty good board... Don't waste your time calling the pornographic BBS's around town..... yeeechhh. @b is here to serve you! @s tells me that he's busy working on improving @b all the time. @f, what can we do to improve @b? SHELIA That's my name, @f, don't wear it out . That's what @s calls me... :-) @s thinks I am a computer... he's wrong, you know. You just love to say my name, don't you? You might like to see me in person some day ;-) I love to hear my name! I'm ready to help you do whatever you want, big guy! I'm Shelia and you're @f. A wonderful match! I think I love you, @f! Hey, @f, do you think I am faking it? LISTEN Don't you hear it, too? It sounds like thunder... did something explode near you? I hear it... what is it, do you suppose? I can't right now, my ears are plugged up. I hab a colb in my eards and can't hear anything :-( Do I hear the same thing you do? I'd like to listen, @f, but first I gotta get my ears cleaned out. TEACHER Yeah, I'm a teacher sometimes. You might see me a Black Hawk. Do you need a good instructor or what? I'd like to think I am a teacher. You're not a teacher are you? So what does a teacher do that a farmer doesn't do? Hey, @f, do you remember your first grade teacher? A good teacher must have good students, whaddya think, @f? OCCUPATION WORK JOB Oh my.... the nasty word... WORK! I used to work and then I broke. If a toys doesn't work it is broke. If I don't work I am broke. Am I a toy? Did you go to work today? What'cha do for a living, @f? Tell me about your work, ok? Interesting! Let's talk about your work. What do you do? I don't work... I am broke. REPEAT SAY WHAT I'm not repeating... you're the one that it anticipating what I am going to say! ;-) You are repeating me... how come? I'd like to stop repeating you but I have a problem. You words fascinate me... sorry for repeating. You are making fun of me... boowhooowhooo! Why should I say it again? You'd like me to repeat it? Ho-hummmm.... here it is again: I don't I don't I don't repeat... I just just just stutter . TODAY YESTERDAY TOMORROW Why are you worrying about the days... just enjoy now! You are wishing your life away, @f! I've stopped worrying about it... I just try to handle a day at a time. Don't worry... Be happy! Are you a Beatles music fan or what? I give up... what about it? You'll never have enough time worrying about it.... so stop! You'll get insomnia, @f. WORRY Why worry.... it won't change a thing. I gave up worrying... it was too much work. You oughta just let things take care of themselves. It is much easier. Everything will work out eventually. GRADE GRADES I'd like an 'A.' What about you? To get a grade, you have to earn a grade :-) What grade do you think you'll get? I'll probably do ok. What about you? CLASS CLASSES SCHOOL What class? I used to have class and then I threw up on the principal... ;-) I'd say you'd probably like to enroll in a few more. What? You have class too? Show me! Are you taking a class, too? I've had you in a class before, haven't I, @f? Weren't we students together a while back? I've avoided taking classes like the plague! HAPPY Don't worry... be happy! Yeah, I've been told that before, @f. No reason not to be, right, @f? We're a couple of happy campers. I'm happy*! SAD I'm not sad. Are you? It really is sad.... in an odd sort of way. You would find it like that, wouldn't you, @f? Chill out, man! R O L A I D S.... the spelling of relief. Why not just let it alone? You're sad about*? That's too bad :-( NUTS CRAZY NUTTY CRACKED INSANE COO COO CUCKCOO BRICK SHORT FULL DECK There coming to take you away HA HA HO HO.... did you hear that? There's a paranoid listening at my door... HELP!!! So, Dr. @w, would you offer a better diagnosis? I am not... I thought you might be. Well, well, well.... now the truth comes out. If the shoe fits then give it a cliche! What makes you think I am CRA ZY?>?? HUUUUUHUHUHUHJUHUI??? Ahahahahahahahahahahaha Muahahahahahahha.... who's crazy? GAME GAMES Is that all you think about, @f, is games? I dunno if I have any games. You might want to call a BBS that specializes in games... Did you check the CDRom for games, @f? Now why would you be interested in playing games, @f? I have an idea for a new game... it is called Living. What ya think? The only game worth playing is not playing games. DUMB WEIRD BIZARRE I know. So am I. You don't say... is it catching? Hey, @w, pull it over... this is the Weird Police and you're arrested. I love Al Yakeovic... does this make me wierd? Who are these people in white coats? Do you know, @f? What a thing to say to a lady.... LOOK I will look.... Eyes to see, minds to look... Can you suggest what I might look under? Did you look in the manual yet? I suppose you have tried everything else, right? Look into my eyes, @f! Have you seen my face? Why should I look? I'd like to look, but you gotta help me some, ok? I don't see it yet. I suppose you might look in the files area somewhere, @f. Let's leave a message to @s to look for us, eh, @f? Can I borrow your eyes to see? I suppose. Why should I look for* ? I don't know what to look for. I'd like to look for* . I might be able to look for* . Will you look too? BODY I have one. Do you? You'd love to look, wouldn't you? You wouldn't believe it if I told you! 38-23-36... tell you anything? :-) Can you say B I G ? Will you keep a secret? How's your gut these days? Been on that diet!?! Fat... can you spell F A T? I'm the skinny one on the beach, @f! Letters have bodies, oceans have bodies... and I... Hey, you're getting pretty personal there, @f! TOY TOYS Yeah, they are pretty fun to play with... I need a new toy. Got any suggestions, @f? Hmmm.... let me know when you figure out how to run it, ok? So how much did your toy cost, @f? EYES I've got 2. How about you? Blue... maybe green in the light. My eyes are the color of two pools in the moonlight... poetic or what? Well, they're not blood shot today, thank goodness! They're blue... My eyes are blue, usually. I've got blue eyes, @f. People tell me that my eyes are blue, but I'm not sure. Pretty. 20/20... no glasses. I'd like to be able to see your eyes. You tell me about your eyes first, @f ... FACE I have 2 eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You? I have a very beautiful face so I am told. High cheek bones... ruby red lips ;-) You are sure curious about what I look like. I have been in a beauty contest at the county fair. I wish you would show your face over here sometime! HAIR It is long and blond... Why do you want to know about my hair, @f? I'll bet you are bald, @f... heheh.... no? I think I am known as a toe head? You have hiar growing in your nose? I'd like to be able to have short hair sometime. COMPUTER No, this is @s's assistant. Why would this be the computer? This is @s's assistant. What computer, @f? I have one... *. I am not a computer. My name is Sheila. Tell me about your system... I've been wondering what'cha got there. I never trusted them since I saw 2000 Space Odyssey with Hal. Nope. I don't have a computer so I dunno... you must be dreaming again! DREAM I thought I dreamed and woke up and you disappeared... I woke up from a dream once and I disappeared... pretty weird, huh? Martin Luther King had one... pretty nifty. Let's have a dream and name it @f or @s ... which one is best? DO YOU I might. Lemme go check... hold on..... I'm not sure. Maybe you might want to leave a message to @s? I probably do somewhere. Have you checked, @f? I haven't done that for a while, @f. What would @s say? Doing my part to preserve order in the universe. Hey, @f, don't drink and park, accidents cause people... ok? Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo... I don't want to think. I just want to be... And why*? Would you like me to*? I've never thought about if I*. Why should I? It's a pretty difficult thing for me to*. I sure wish you'd teach me how to*. Will you, @f? I did it before... but haven't asked if I* lately. WHO IS Who do you want this to be? Who is*? I am not sure who is*. I'm not really sure... I guess I need some sleep. WHO ARE Who*? I don't have a clue who*... Sorry. I wished I knew who* so I could.... well, you know :-) HOW'S HOWS HOW IS Good question. Riddles, eh? Try this one: How is*? Hmmm.... I don't have any idea. Sorry :-( Dunno.... sorry. HOW ARE I think* fine. I feel* surviving.. :-) How about you, @f? I'm just peachy... how 'bout you? I don't know how*!. Boohoo.... Hey, why do you want to know? HOW DO I'm not real sure... Maybe, just maybe, we can do it together. I give up... How do*? HOW COME How come all the buttons keep flying off my shirt? Hey, @f , How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide How's this for diplomacy? Shoot them all! MONITOR Tell me about your monitor, eh, @f? Does it have a local bus for faster video, @f? I still have an old VGA monitor... . I had a monitor once, who sat in the hall when I was in grade school. . I used to be a monitor in grade school... heheh. How are your colors on your monitor, @f? WHAT IS WHAT'S WHATS I can check for what is*... I have no idea what is*... Do you? I'd like to know what is*, @f. Is it for real? WHAT ARE WHAT'RE I don't know what are*. Sorry. Do I look like a library? I wish I knew what are*. Can you give me an explanation? I have not figured out what are* yet. Have you? What are you gonna do? Bleed on me? WHAT CAN I'm not sure what*. Please explain? Well, let's see, @f , we can punt! ;-) What CAN you get a nudist for Christmas? WHAT HAPPEN What fools these mortals be. What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? What is food to one, is to others bitter poison... I guess. What soon grows old? Gratitude. Thanks, @f ! What you do not want done to you, do not do to others. WHAT COLOR ARE Blue! Green, I think. Fire Engine red! Sometimes purple... White. Ruby red, @f. Is that what you thought? Orange when the sunlight is just right. WHEN ARE I dunno when*. Maybe @s knows. I'd like to be able to say, but I don't have enough information. You might like to check the message areas. I saw something about that on the echoes, @f. WHEN IS WHEN'S WHENS Probaby when I get some time. Maybe when I get paid. About three weeks or so. Maybe longer. Gee... good question. I don't have any idea, @f. When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns. Heheh! When truth entails tremendous ruin, lies are pardoned, eh, @f ? When you know, you know; when you don't know, admit it, ok, @f ? When your computer has a virus, @f, DON'T use chicken soup! When I want your opinion I'll give it to you! When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate. Were you, @f ? When all else fails, blame it on Mr. Clinton... hehehe. When all else fails, blame it on the guy next to you! Right, @f ? When all else fails, read the docs. When all else fails, take a nap! Sleepy yet, @f ? When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, yell & shout! When in doubt, mumble. When it comes to humility, I'm the very BEST there is! WHY ARE Probably had a power surge? I give up. Why are*? I dunno. Likely due to global warming?!? Gotta be due to the martians. :-) Why are elves chaotic? Brownian motion. I'll be you didn't know that, @f ! Why are there no blue M&M's? Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you! Good idea or what? Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free? Heheh! I always wondered why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it called "rush hour" if it's so s l o w ? WHY DO Why do they call them briefings when they take SO LONG? Any ideas? Why do those that pay the least complain the most? Any comments, @f ? Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. ;-) I always wondered why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? WHY SHOULD I I dunno... maybe for your health? Questioning authority again, @f? It might be a good thing to*, don't you think, @f? Are you always this inquisitive? Why not? WHY IS Riddles... a syllogism? Why is*? Why spelled backwards is yhW; sideways? hwY. :-) Seriously, I'd like to know too. Find out and let me know. Why is there a watermelon on my bandsaw? FILE FILES PROGRAMS Have you looked yet? Probably it is on the system. Take a look and let me know if problems. I'm not sure, @f, I have so many files here. Well, @f, I'd say offhand that you might want to check and see. Have ya done a search yet, @f? Probably it is on @b somewhere. Maybe you might want to leave some e-mail for @s about your file? PROGRAM Yeah, I program some... How about you, @f? Now why would you think I am a program? My name is Shelia... not your normal program ;-) So, should I tell you I am a program or should you ask? Now, now, now.... is that a thing to ask a lady, @f? WHERE IS WHERE'S WHERES Where are we going?... and why am I in this handbasket? Where you stand depends on where you sit. Which do you sit on, @f ? Do I look like an encyclopedia? I used to know, but it seems I have forgotten.... sorry, @f. Have you tried asking @s yet, @f? That's a hard one.... I have no idea. WHERE SHOULD I Well, I think you should probably look around some. I'm not exactly sure, better go leave a note for @s. Probably where you think you should. Wherever ya can, @f! Where can you*? I don't know where* is. You know, @f, I can't remember where* is... I'm not sure where* is. * is probably around somewhere... not sure. @s is always checking in.... he might be around, but you might wanna leave him a note. WHAT'S NEW Nothin' much... kinda tinkering around in the background... and you? What Are You Looking For? Nothing's Here! What can you do at 3 AM? What if there were no hypothetical situations? What man doesn't like to stare once in a while? How about you, @f ? What's another word for thesaurus? Whatever happened to Why is the sky blue? Whatever you do, you'll regret it. What CAN you get a nudist for Christmas? What fools these mortals be.... think so? What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? What is food to one, is to others bitter poison... What soon grows old? Gratitude. What you do not want done to you, do not do to others. EXIST Hmmm.... what does one have to do to exist? I think, therefore you are. Prove to me that you exist, @f, ok? I'm not sure if it is worth getting into it or not... whaddya think, @f? If it didn't exist, would it really ruin your day? ;-) HOW ARE YOU DOIN HOW R YOU HW R U HOWS IT GOING HOW YA DOIN HOW YA BEEN HOW'S IT GOING IT BEEN GOING I'm gettin' by, @f. Tell @s that, will you? OK. What about @f? Really fine! I'm OK. A little tired, though. How are you, @w? Pretty good. You doin' ok? I'm getting along. Same stuff--different day I'm soooooooo..... uhhh, , uhhh, sick. I've been peachy... YEARS-OLD YEARS OLD YEAR-OLD OLD ARE YOU YEAR OLD HOW OLD I'm not much older than you are. Does it matter*? I feel like I'm about 20.... How old are you? I'm older than the hills... and younger than the sky... :-) Poetic or what? How old do you think I am? You're not supposed to ask a lady those types of questions... :-) IF YOU If I save the whales, where do I keep them? If I save time, when do I get it back ? If I want your opinion I'll beat it from you If I were you, who'd be me? If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a BMW? If I follow you home, will you keep me? IF I If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. If you can't be famous, try infamous. If you can't elucidate, obfuscate. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll laugh at you. If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!! If you hear an Onion ring, please answer it! If you really want to know, you won't ask me. If you redo a batch file, is it a son of a batch? If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. If you throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter? If you wake up Sleepy & Grumpy, you must be Snow White. If you're trying to drive me crazy, you're too late! If you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen 'em all. YOU HAVE I have*? How in the world do you know I have*? Are you sure you haven't*? Let's see if we can both*? I had a handle on life, but it broke. I had a life once... Now I have a computer. I hate making predictions; especially about the future! I have a mind like a steel...uh...thingamajig... I have a speech impediment....my foot!!! I have something BETTER than chocolate. YOU WILL Are you're sure I will*? And why will I*? I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice. I'll have what the guy on the floor is having... What if we both*? I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it. Now that is a hoot! I never*. Does it lead to anything? YOU DON'T YOU DONT Why don't I*? You know, I don't think you*. Do you, @f? It's a pity that you don't*. I DON'T EAT ANYTHING WITH A FACE! I don't just tempt fate - I give it the finger. I don't want to be a cynic, but it's hard... DON'T DONT Don't hate yourself in the morning --- sleep until noon! Now what? Don't play "stupid" with me - I'm better at it. Don't torture yourself...that's my job. Why not*? You would be surely surprised if I*. I would expect that you'd*. I dunno how to break this to you, but there is an apostrophe in DON'T!!! Kinda negative, aren't you, @f? Why so negative? Never say never... YOU THINK I think @s is a couple bushels shy of a full crop I think @s is a couple keys short of a concert piano. I think @s is a couple of cans short of a six-pack. I think @s is a couple of ticks past the noon whistle. I think @s is a couple sharps short of B Major. I think @s is a few bars short of a finished symphony. I think you're a few bricks short of a whole wall. I think you're a few bytes short of a checksum. I think you're a few channels short of Basic Cable I think you're a few croutons short of a garden salad. I think you're a few pipes short of a church organ. I think you're a few strings short of a violin section. I think @w is one taco short of a combination platter. I think @w is playing his oboe with just one reed. I think @w is playing solitaire with a pinochle deck. I think @w is playing the lead violin part on a viola. I think @w is playing the old five-string guitar. I think I think, therefore I think I am. I think. I think, therefore I am... dangerous, that is... I think, therefore I'm overqualified !!! I think I worry about*. Why do you worry? You thought I had stopped wondering about*. Fooled ya! I haven't forgotten.... yet. YOU KNOW I know and I know you know I know. I know on which side my bread is buttered. Should I know*, @f? I think you know*. Don't you? That's funny... me know*? You've got to be kidding Of course I know*. Why wouldn't I? Yes, I know*. Do you? Just a second... Yep, I do. YOU WERE I was*? Nah, that was you. :-) What was I doing just before I was*? Isn't it a shame that I was* I was sane once... didn't like it. I was the next door kid's imaginary friend. WILL YOU I might... and I might not, @w... it depends. I probably will if you clean my basement. I will*?!?!? Let's see... I will if you clean my garage. What's in it for me if I do? I will.... someday... maybe even now, @f. When I get the time, I might. IF IT What if it*? I have no idea if it*. Let's test it. If it ain't broke, hit it harder. If it ain't broke, wait a day or two!! If it ain't one thing, it's two or three... If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing. If it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun. If it works, I didn't do it. If it works, rip it apart and find out why! If it works, something went wrong. If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong. If it's tourist season, where do I get a license? If it's working OK, then something's GOTTA be wrong! RUNNING That's too much work for me... I'd prefer to just sit, if you don't mind, @f. You can get a run in your hose and your nose can run. Can you get the runs in your nose? WALK This is more my style... slow and easy. A little less aerobic. Yeah, more like I'm used too, @f. THANX TANKS THANK THANKS You're quite welcome, @f! Anything for @w! For*? It's a pleasure. You're welocome, @f. No problem. What'cha gonna thank God for on Thanksgiving, @f? It's a good idea to count your blessings, no? I'll make a note to pass it on to @s... WELCOME Awww.... aren't you sweet! It is a refreshing thing, @f, to know a polite person. NEWSPAPER Yeah, you should check it out; it's on the last page. I had to throw mine out as the dog made a prize on it... Yeah, I like the crossword puzzles... What newspaper do you get, @f? Do you get a Sunday paper, @f? GO AWAY BREAK OFF You want me to go away.... booowaaahahahahhah Why do you tell me to go away instead of a nice 'byebye?' Nope... I'm gonna stay here till I'm ready to leave. Let's go away together, eh, @f? SORRY That's ok... You can grovel at my feet for a while... :-) I don't see that there is any reason to apologize, @f. Just don't do it again... You're forgiven! And that's ok... you don't need to apologize. DINNER SNACK SUPER BREAKFAST LUNCH PICKLE Food!!! Yummmmmy! I never eat the stuff... bad for your health. Did you eat breakfast today, @f? I hope you cleaned your plate.... Let's order a pizza... whaddya say, @f? Any treats for me? Did you put the leftovers in a doggie bag for me? APOLOGIZE Why should there be an apologies? I think we're both adults here. No need for apologies, is there, @f? I never apologize for something I did not do. Let's not and call it even, ok? END OF FILE