TO THE MAX Issue #1 March 31, 1995 WHO'S MAX?? I'm just your ordinary everyday Joe, only my name is Max. I see what goes on, just as everyone else does, and yes, I grumble about it, just as everyone else does. But me, I say what I have to say so that others can hear it. Not that I'm any more intelligent than the next guy, mind you, but sometimes ya just gotta say what ya gotta say, and be heard when ya say it. So, this is my sounding platform. You can read it or not, it's your choice. That's what America's all about, isn't it? Freedom of Speech, and Freedom to ignore someone else's Speech. So what makes me so special? Nothing. I don't claim to be anyone I am not. I tell it like it is, and that's it. I don't make things up - "the truth is far too much fun." (Dustin Hoffman, "Hook.") Most of my gripes are about cyberspace and the proverbial toilet it's being flushed, but I hit other subjects too. --------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICAL CORRECTNESS More like Political Stupidity, which of course is redundant. I mean, what is the beef here? Everything's gotta change just so someone, someplace, isn't offended. Lemme tell ya something - offense is half the offender and half the offended. There are a great many people out there who just can not take a joke, and that's sad. When someone loses the ability to laugh at themselves for what they are and still be proud, then the country's taking a bad turn. For example, we don't have janitors anymore, we have "Maintenance Engineers." Why? "Janitor" doesn't sound important enough? The problem isn't with offending the janitors, it's that they lack a stuffy impressive sounding title. So, they puff it out to two words where one would have done nicely. Just means that the unemployment offices have to expand the size of the "previous job" blank. It's gotten to the point where we can't call a spade a spade - it's an earth moving implement. Seen the latest version? Cable's running "Stories for Every Child" now. The Political Correctness Machine has hit fairy tales too. (Or are they calling them something else now, so as not to offend the homosexuals?) What was wrong with the originals? They weren't good enough for other kids? A Chinese girl can't enjoy Little Red Riding Hood unless they make ol' Red an oriental? Jack and the Beanstalk now uses a colored cast to make it more appealing to Negro children? Why? Are they going to go through all of Uncle Remus' tales next and translate them to Street English? Or maybe all the old African stories, and change them all around to appeal better to the Eskimos? Come on people. I am not racist in any way; I believe everyone has the same rights as everyone else, provided they get off their ass and work for them. This takes the cake though - if it's not broken, don't fix it! Get off it, America. We have a lot more important things to worry about (like perhaps the homeless and the jobless? Or is that now the "residentially" and "occupationally challenged?") Everyone is wasting a lot of precious time and effort going through Webster's Unabridged making sure that no one gets upset over a lack of proper wording, and that offends the intelligent people who know better. Some people are going to be offended no matter what you call them, because they are hopelessly paranoid. (Security challenged, pardon moi. Or does saying "pardon moi" offend the French now?) By the way, I made sure to spell check this paragraph - I wouldn't want to offend Dan Quayle. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "BUT IT'S NOT DOOM!!!" I am sure you have all seen that posted on at least one bulletin board. DOOM took the world by storm, it's true, but now, two years later, people are still clinging to it like it's the golden fleece. For those who have been living under a rock for the past few years, DOOM is a game that pits you against several thousand alien creatures who only have one thought in their little brains - kill. They don't care WHAT they kill, but usually it's you they're after. What makes this game so appealing is the viewpoint - you're seeing the action as if you were there. Now, this is not a new thing - Wolfenstein 3D, by the same company - id Software - introduced us to this possibility about the same time Ultima Underworld I was released to the commercial market. In my opinion, what made Wolfenstein so popular was that it was free. You had to PAY for Underworld, and money is something that gamers only use to buy faster modems to download programs. DOOM had the same free appeal. You could download the first 9 levels as shareware, then buy the next two. (Or download it from a pirate BBS, which seemed to be the more popular choice.) And, something even more appealing is that you could create new levels for it, which added to the replay value. If you had already mastered the original 27 levels, hop on a BBS and download 27 more. Finally, it introduced a semi-unique concept called "deathmatch," which pitted you against a HUMAN opponent. Again, this wasn't new - GEnie had Multiplayer Battletech for years before DOOM saw the light of day. However, Multiplayer Battletech wasn't nearly this gruesome - DOOM is bloody. You see blood spurting and guts flying. And if a rifle isn't enough, you can carve them up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey with a chainsaw or blow them to bits with a missile launcher, complete with appropriate screaming and "splat" sound effects. Since the release of DOOM, and then later DOOM II (a commercial more-of-the-same sequel), many companies have come out with their own 3D games. Some of them are pretty good, others are... well... DOOMed to obscurity. With all the various games out there, there is bound to be discussion as to which is better than others. Unfortunately, intelligent conversations are hard to come by. Most of what I have seen on the net and BBS's is a lot of crap from DOOMheads who think that DOOM was and always will be THE greatest 3D game ever to be created. It was the first notable game to come along to use that type of technology, but the best ever? I doubt it. As I said, most of the reason it's still so popular is that it's got tons of levels created for it by people who have no life other than to play DOOM. Games like System Shock and ShadowCaster are limited in replay value, but are still good games nonetheless. However, I have seen some pretty stupid reasons why people like DOOM and no other game. Allow me to share some of them with you. Before I go any further, let me clarify what I mean by "DOOMhead." There are a lot of people playing DOOM that have natural lives, and are fairly intelligent. However, the term DOOMhead applies to the childish, immature, lame-brained individual who thinks that life was created to play DOOM, a job is so you can afford network cards to play Deathmatch, and school is a place to meet Deathmatch opponents. The only messages they ever post to a BBS or the net is "LOOKING FOR DEATHMATCH PLAYERS", usually spelled wrong, almost always in the wrong conference or topic thread, and consistently in all capital letters. (During my brief stay on America Online, I saw no less than 14 messages from uneducated assholes who were looking for deathmatch opponents - in the Networking Support folders listed under "Netware 4.1") Such a message will usually be accompanied by a line proclaiming their total mastery of DOOM, and daring anyone to dethrone them. A DOOMhead doesn't play any game that doesn't allow invincibility cheat codes, except maybe deathmatch because, as they will tell you, they are the best bar none and don't need cheat codes cause they can't be beaten. A DOOMhead gives new meaning to the word "ego." A DOOMhead will flame anyone who dares to say that another 3D game is any good. A DOOMhead will fight to the death to defend DOOM, as long as you're not talking about QUAKE (id Software's next project.) QUAKE hasn't been released, but it's already better than anything that's out now, mainly cause id Software says so. (How many things did DOOM promise that were not delivered?) DOOM vs. DESCENT "Descent is a DOOM ripoff." According to the guys at Parallax, Descent was originally in development two years ago as an Apogee release called "Inferno." Why Apogee ditched it is anyone's guess, but it was in the programming stage before DOOM was even an idea. How can you rip something off that didn't exist yet? "There's no BFG." As in, no way to completely and mindlessly anihilate everything in the room without trying. Sorry, kids, this game takes more strategy than "run, shoot, then laugh cause you're using the God mode cheat." What were you expecting, a Wave Motion Gun? DOOM vs. DARK FORCES "Dark Forces is a DOOM ripoff." Dark Forces uses a better engine than DOOM, allows more flexibility of movement, and better level design. If anything, they looked at DOOM's engine and decided to do it better, which I feel they did. "There's no mid-level save game." It's called reality. Life has no save game, but I don't see you complaining about that. "There's no modem/net play." Head-to-head play seems to be a requirement for games nowadays, and a game without it will be flamed by any DOOMhead. (Not that anyone really CARES what a DOOMhead has to say, but it makes for humorous reading.) In the case of Dark Forces, LucasArts has stated that deathmatch-type play doesn't fit into the storyline of the Star Wars universe. Why would rebels be shooting at other rebels? All sorts of permutations and combinations have been created... "Rebel vs. Boba Fett" or "Rebel vs. Dark Trooper," but LucasArts apparantly is sticking by their guns. "The game code has the words 'Worship Satan' in it." This complaint from a DOOMhead? Where the entire game is played with the premise that all these creatures are from Hell? They're really fishing now. To set the record straight, some programmer with a warped sense of humor used that as a debug code in the IMUSE.EXE file. You'd never see it unless you started hacking apart the game files with a hex editor. (And if you're looking for trouble, why bitch when you find it?) Nowhere in the game do these words appear, but it's enough argument for a DOOMhead (and your die-hard Bible thunper student of Sister Bertha Better-than-you.) DOOM vs. RISE OF THE TRIAD "It's a DOOM ripoff." You get the idea. "It has non-orthagonal walls." Actually, a DOOMhead would NEVER use a word as large as "non-orthagonal." They would instead whine "The walls are 90 degrees." True, Rise of the Triad uses wall blocks, similar to Wolfenstein, rather than line definitions like DOOM. This doesn't really detract from the enjoyment of the game, but a real DOOMhead would have no idea what kind of game it is, since it's not DOOM and they never would have played it. (Or at least never admitted to playing it. Doing so would make them look like an ass in the eyes of every DOOMhead on the planet - as opposed to just looking like an ass in the eyes of every sane person on the planet.) Suffice to say, DOOM will be around for a long time. It was a landmark achievement for id Software, and I have no doubt that QUAKE will start the fever over again. (Look at the following it has already, and it's not even in beta code yet.) However, I also have the sinking feeling that the DOOMheads are here to stay, at least for a while, or at least until something better comes along. (Of course, they won't play it - they're too busy blowing each other up to even read this. Assuming of course they can read.) --------------------------------------------------------------------- ILLITERACY ONLINE Are we raising a nation of idiots when it comes to computers? Microsoft and IBM are constantly at each others throats as to whose operating system can beat up the other, but they are both missing the boat. Teaching people to use a mouse to click at little pictures isn't actually TEACHING them anything. Sure, they know what to click to open a text editor, and for most of us, (including yours truly) being able to point and click is nicer than typing "CD\DIS DAT " all the time. But what happens when you sit them down in front of someone else's system? The little pretty pictures aren't always in the same places, or - God forbid - there aren't any pictures! (Did I offend anyone by saying "God?" Good, I thought I was losing my touch.) Herein lies the problem - schools and training classes are spoon feeding icons and GUI's (Graphical User Interfaces, pronounced "gooey" appropriately enough) down the throats of our kids, such that they feel superior to others who know not the power of the mouse. Stick these kids in front of a good ol' C: prompt though, and where are they? Back to Hunt and Peck 101. Most people, as evident by the articles I read relating the average tech support call to computer companies, have absolutely no clue as to what to do with a DOS prompt. Not that it's their fault, mind you - all they have been taught is Windows. They buy a computer, they plug it in, turn it on, and BANG! up comes Windows. (Or, if they have a sound card, trumpets blare - this can be changed to something more appropriate, such as an explosion or a flushing toilet.) To the neophyte, Windows IS the computer, and exiting to a C:\> prompt means something went seriously wrong and it's time to call the 1-800 number. Luckily, or unluckily as the case may be, most of the popular applications out there are migrating to Windows. You can run all kinds of stuff by pointing and clicking now, such as spread sheets, databases, word processors, and yes, they are even porting games to Windows. (As if DOOM wasn't bad enough with the system hangs and crashes, now they're gonna make it work in Windows? This I gotta see. Buggy game + buggy operating system = formatted hard drive.) But what happens when they run into a program that wasn't designed for Windows, or won't run under Windows at all? Joe User goes out and buys a game at the local software store, and finds no instructions for Windows installation. Immediately, he calls the software company and the first thing the tech tells him to do is exit Windows. Long pause. "Exit Windows????" The tech realizes that he's going to miss not only his coffee break, but lunch and dinner on this one. With the advent of the online service, and more recently, the so called "Information Superhighway," (Again with the Political Correctness. What was wrong with the word "Internet?" for crissake?) the everyday computer novice can now get connected to hundreds of other computer novices. They can all congregate in a chat area together and stare at each other, not knowing what to do next. (Chatting requires typing, and they obviously have not learned how to do that. Read some of the messages in support areas sometimes, you'll really be surprised that they were able to make it that far.) The problem however is that many of the sophisticated online networks are now lending themselves to Windows and trying to make themselves easier to use. This of course makes it hell on the people who actually have to SUPPORT these blessed adventurers. I recently received a signup kit to a growing online service, who shall remain nameless to protect the stupid. (But their initials are "AOL." Not that they need protection - in reality, they need a clue.) I normally don't use online services; I restrict myself to the BBS world where the new people are at least tolerable. (And let me say something here - I am not against new people. I'll clarify later.) However, I had heard a lot of neat things about this service, so I decided to take the plunge. Credit card in hand, I signed up, and within minutes, I was online. Very user friendly interface, nothing required too much thought, at least for me. I found my way to the chat areas, and was absolutely amazed at the names of some of the rooms there. "Bi fems looking for work." "Wife in bed, hubby horny." "Pedo GIFS here." So this is the type of person that is discovering the online world now? People who obviously have less intelligence than the average door-wedge, yet they are able to not only get signed onto an online service, but create rooms that advertise their stupidity? Who in their right mind would go out of their way to publically advertise illegal smut, especially after Jake Baker went and got himself railroaded by the Thought Police? But I digress. My point was not the kind of chat rooms this service allows; I'll save that for another article. I quickly retreated from the chat area, further confident that I had made the right choice in avoiding online services, and ventured into their computer support areas. Here, by following a few message threads, I learned a disturbing problem this service is having. Because computers are so darned impossible to learn, (at least this service seems to think so,) they have attempted to make their software even more idiot proof. Instead of making people learn to use something like a decompression program (one of the VERY FIRST utilities anyone with a computer should learn to use, right before a virus scanner and after finding the ON switch) the intrepid programmers built one into their system software. I checked the settings in my software before logging on, and had set this little gem to OFF - if I want to decompress something, I'll do it when and where I want to, I don't let some program decide that for me. However, for the average user who has no idea how to unZIP (except maybe for the ones in the chat areas, who were advertising this fact to the rest of the online world) the software will do this automatically as soon as you log off their network. Members of this service could download a file, and it would be decompressed for them - they didn't even have to THINK! Sounds like a neat idea, right? Wrong. In February 1993, shortly after this little "feature" was added, PKWare released PKZIP 2, which includes a new compression method. The system designers of this network's software were either unprepared, apathetic, or both, but the decompression method doesn't know what to do with files in ZIP 2.04 format. (Similar to what PKUNZIP 1.10 does on a 2.04 file - it pukes royally.) Okay, so things change, it happens, who can predict this? Wait, it gets better - to date, two years later, they STILL have not bothered to upgrade this feature. Instead of actually coming up with a way to unZIP files compressed with the new method, their latest software just says "Sorry, I don't know what to do with this." Even funnier is that the service won't allow people to upload files in the newer compression method to avoid making the green members have to use a DOS utility such as PKUNZIP. Apparently, their attitude is that if you can't do it in their little GUI program, it's wrong. Rather than move ahead with the rest of the world, this company has retreated behind their GUI, confident that they can keep everyone from using a DOS utility simply because someone came up with this bizarre vision that a GUI is better. Instead, they are concentrating on adding Internet and World Wide Web features - now wait a sec. You mean to tell me that an Online Service that won't even take the time to teach its users how to use an unzipping program is going to unleash thousands of idiots onto the Web and make them deal with TAR and Z files? Where the hell was Steve Case when they were handing out the clues? This guy's sending up the plane and THEN not even considering training the pilots! Don't get me wrong - I use Windows, and have dabbled in OS/2 (gack.) They have their place and time. (For example, I am able to type this in one window, and watch the morning news in another window. You couldn't do that at a DOS prompt.) However I know enough about this box to be able to navigate a DOS prompt. I don't try and run DOOM from Windows, and I certainly don't try to force everyone to use Windows simply because I use it on occasion. Once in a while, I think America needs to close the Windows. --------------------------------------------------------------------- @$%!*-UP OF THE MONTH AWARD You always see awards for outstanding service, exceptional talent, blah blah blah. I'm tired of seeing people and companies applauded for doing their job, I want to see a company get royally roasted for screwing the public. So, every month, I hope to point out a company who has gone beyond the call of duty in shafting the end user. This month's award goes to: EPIC MEGAGAMES Epic Megagames, for those who don't normally deal in the obscure, is a shareware games company (their words, not mine) located in Maryland. They appeared a few years ago with their first game, Jill of the Jungle. Jill carried the underlying theme that a) a woman can be a game's main character, and b) Apogee Software Productions wasn't the only kid on the block. Admittedly, the game was fun to play, and did introduce something new in platform games - a female character. But that's where Epic's Rein of Terror (no that's not a typo) ended. The games they have come out with since Jill have been lame, dull, bug ridden, and insipid. Solar Winds was boring, and I lost interest in Zone-66 after getting shot 10 times because the game ran too darn fast to react to anything. (As you can tell, I don't have the reflexes of a rabid 10 year old that Zone-66 requires.) Epic Pinball, a bug-ridden game with annoyingly scratchy digital music, was an attempt to get at the table crowd. Based on what I have been reading on various BBS's and echos, it is their best seller. That's not saying much for the rest of their product line. To try and redeem themselves, Epic came out with Xargon, which is basically Jill of the Jungle with a male character in jeans and a t-shirt instead of a female in a bodysuit. Three years later and that's the best they came up with? A rewrite of an older game? Since then their only other release has been Heartlight, which was a direct copy of an old Commodore 64 game called Boulderdash. It looks like they ran out of original ideas, so they have been giving the public remakes of older games in lieu of something new. The guy who created Jill for them came up with an idea to redo Jill and publish Jill II, however Epic didn't seem interested in releasing it so close to their last release. So, the guy went to a compnay called Union Logic, and published it as Vinyl Goddess of Mars (a take off on Leather Goddesses of Phobos perhaps?) With the release of Epic Pinball, I noticed that Epic Megagames was no longer advertising Software Creations BBS as their home board, but rather CompuServe and Exec-PC. After some digging, I came up with two reasons: 1. According to the regulars on Software Creations, and confirmed by the sysop, Epic Megagames was originally contracted to advertise Software Creations as their home board, and do technical support there as well. The boys at Epic decided that they didn't want to answer e-mail or support their products, and suddenly stopped advertising for Software Creations. Dan kicked Epic off of his BBS, so to get back at him, they use CompuServe as their primary support area. Bad move for Epic if this is true - Software Creations is THE place to get good stuff, any BBSer worth their modem knows that. Epic lost the largest method of shareware distribution they could have ever had - no one goes to CompuServe looking for new games, half the time CompuServe's stuff CAME from Software Creations. 2. According to Mark Rein, the loud-mouthed and extremely rude vice president of Epic, they were "tired of living in the shadow of Apogee." (Software Creations has been the home BBS for Apogee Software for about four years.) They couldn't stand to be on the same BBS with a company that ran rings around them in the market, so they took their toys and went to CompuServe, where there are no other shareware companies to compete with them. I have absolutely no clue why Epic went to CompuServe. You can't even get to their support area without a CompuServe account, and I doubt the people already on CompuServe are there primarily for games. I checked out their support area though, and lemme tell you the place is dead. The only conversations are between the Epic folks. Epic did advertise Exec-PC for a while, but I noticed that too went away. As far as living in Apogee's shadow, maybe someone at Epic should get a clue and realize that companies like Apogee and id are popular because they make cool games. If Epic could write anything that could even come close to competing with the rest of the shareware market, maybe they wouldn't have to worry about being overshadowed? Half the design teams Epic uses for their games were rejected by other shareware companies because they couldn't do any quality work. The only decent people they had went to other shareware companies cause Epic was ripping them off. (Remember Ken's Labyrinth? The 14 year old whiz kid who tried to do Wolfenstein one better? He's working for Apogee now.) Epic's main method of promoting their games is via slam tactics against other companies. Anyone who watches the RIME Apogee gaming echo knows that Mark Rein is in there frequently, starting fights with Apogee's online representative. There's no Epic echo, so Mark goes into the Apogee echo to try and make Apogee look bad. Hey, Mark, do us all a favor and give it a rest. You're only making yourself look like an ass, and making Epic look bad for hiring you. Why not get together with Tim Sweeney and finish that Simusex game he wrote a few years ago? Who knows, maybe it might sell a copy or two, or at least keep you off the nets for a while. Epic's latest release, Jazz Jackrabbit, seems to be a big step upwards in game quality, and I was ALMOST ready to re-write this article. However, I found out that Epic decided to put a cheat code in called APOGEE MODE, which cut the game to half speed and 16 colors. Well, there went any credibility for THAT game. I won't even waste more than four lines on Safari Software. They come up with their own games, published by Epic; if it's good Epic can say, "We did it." but if it sucks (as they all have so far) Epic can disavow any knowledge of it. Congratulations, Epic, you've done exactly the opposite of what you set out to do all those years ago. We're all disappointed in you, and really really do hope you'll fade off into bankruptcy and stop giving shareware a bad name. --------------------------------------------------------------------- REVIEWS Magic Carpet Bullfrog Software/Electronic Arts CD-ROM, approx $50 Anyone who has ever dreamed of flying on a magic carpet hurling spells at people, this is your game. You are in charge of restoring balance to a world ruined by a bunch of wizards with ego trips. To do this, you have to collect magic power (called "mana") and store it away in your castle. At the same time, you have to defend yourself and your castle from worms, bees, vultures, crabs, a variety of other land and air-based critters, AND other carpet-riding wizards. Frustration is going after an enemy castle, only to find out that the enemy and three of his friends are pounding the shit out of your castle with meteors. This game definitely does DOOM one up. Every time a 3D game comes out, a dozen assholes swarm the net to proclaim that it's a DOOM ripoff and they won't be buying a copy. Big deal, that makes it easier for the intelligent humans to find copies. Magic Carpet is a new idea in 3D games, and is definitely worth a look. However, taking a lesson from the shareware market, Bullfrog made a two level demo available. It plays exactly like the CD version, minus the cinematic scenes. Look for it at ftp.ea.com or on a local BBS. Descent Parallax Software/Interplay Diskette/CD-ROM, approx $35 If Magic Carpet rules the skies, Descent rules the underground. You're in a fighter plane, zipping through mining shafts on other planets. Human mining colonies have been shut down by some unknown force, and all the robots have been converted to killing machines. You have to go down there, destroy anything that moves, and let the guys at mission control sort out the pieces. The shareware version (released last Christmas) has seven levels, and then advertises the registered version consisting of some 30 more. The registered/commercial version has finally been released, so fly do not run to the nearest software store. It's one of the most talked about games on the net, and best of all supports modem and network play (yay!) One of the newest things of late is to hook up your computers to see how many times you can kill each other in the most unique way. Descent gives you even more ways, with lasers, cannons, and four types of missiles. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Currently, I don't have a permanent account anyplace - I sorta drift. I don't have an E-Mail address, but if I see discussion about this in public areas, I'll take it to heart. If you want to rebut this, go for it - but do it publically. I don't respond to private slams - that's for wussies. You got something to say, say it so everyone can hear it.