The following material has all been stolen from: The Total Nerd by Joan Wilen and Lydia Wilen ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nerds are In As humankind cowers before the advancing threat of the all powerful computer, Nerds are our first line of defense. Who else knows the difference between bite and byte? Who else can conquer data systems with the flick of a well chosen switch? Only nerds can understand such complexities. This year, the new BMOC is not the star running back, but the gold medalist at the science fair. Women, being heretofore out of reach of the loved starved nerds, are now shifting there focus. They have realized that nerd boyfriends can be invaluable in figuring out physics homework. More important, this kind of guy will not pass up an opportunity for steamy dalliances because the world series is about to start. Even the nerd look is coming into style. Penpacks are replacing alligators on shirt pockets; white socks and black shoes have become a signature of high fashion; and, hair grease has made a triumphant return to trendy scalps. ------------------------------------------------------- COMPARATIVE NERD LIST David Letterman is a nerd. Johnny Carson isn't. Clark Kent is a nerd. Superman isn't. Howard Cosell is a nerd. Don Meredith isn't. Hercule Poirot is a nerd. James Bond isn't. Albert Einstein was a nerd. Madam Curie wasn't. Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford were presidential nerds. Andrew Jackson and Teddy Roosevelt weren't. Godzilla is a nerd. King Kong isn't. Benji is a nerd. Lassie isn't. Jerry Lewis acts like a nerd. Howie Mandel isn't acting. Dr. Jekyll is a nerd. Mr. Hyde isn't Henry Kissinger looks like a nerd. But he isn't. Mark Spitz doesn't look like a nerd. But he is. Felix the Cat is a nerd. Morris the cat isn't. Mr. Spock is a nerd. Captain Kirk isn't. Gumby is a nerd. The Pillsbury Doughboy isn't. Dr. Joyce Brothers is a nerd. Dr. Ruth Westheimer isn't. Eric Idle is a nerd. Billy Idol isn't. ------------------------------------------------------- The Nerd in History Day 78: Woman gives apple to man. He learns shame; invents high water fig leaf 356 B.C. The Temple of Ephesus is burned down by Herostratus. He explains that he did it to insure his name would live forever. It works. 340 B.C. Praxagoras discovers the difference between arteries and veins. Bleeds to death. 1000 AD. Concept of zero introduced. Later used as a nickname. 1237 AD. Eyeglasses invented. Adhesive tape soon to follow. 1492 Columbus discovers India. 1581 Galileo discovers isosynchronous property of the pendulum. No one cares. 1778 Nathan Hale exclaims:"I regret I have but one life to give for my country. British take him up on it. 1802 Fulton's Folly. 1823 Charles Babbage invents the steam calculator. 1867 Seward's Icebox. 1889 Johnstown Flood. Flood-pants invented. 1899 Albert Einstein formulates mE=2. Goes back to the drawing board. 1908 National Cash Register Company orders that signs reading THINK be placed in every NCR office. 1924 Inspired by THINK signs, NCR employees quit and form IBM. 1946 ENIAC developed. Worlds first computer. 1952 Alfred E. Newman makes first appearance on the cover of Mad Magazine. 1958 NASA established. 1963 "The Nutty Professor" released. 1974 Gerald Rudolph Ford becomes the 38th president of the United States. 1977 Steve Wozniak gives Apple to man. 1978 Video Games boom. Nerds begin to show demonstrable skills. ------------------------------------------------------- The Astrological Nerd Aries March 21 - April 20 The nerds born under the sign of Aries are the Zodiac's captains, pioneers and leaders. Considering the contributions made by Ariesnerds in the computer software field, the RAM is an appropriate symbol, as would be the ROM. For the Arian nerds who just dream about great acheivements, REM would be a more appropriate symbol. Famous Ariesnerds: Vincent van Gogh. How do we know Vincent van Gogh was a nerd? Well, if he weren't, he would have cut off his nose instead of his ear. Taurus April 21 - May 21 This sign is symbolized by the bull and most nerds born under this sign are stubborn, perservering and steadfast. The steadfastness is evident when it comes to loyalty in love. The Taureanerd LOVES his computer. Overheard at the mini-APPLE-ess convention: "It never gets a headache; it doesn't have relatives that want to visit; and, it won't give you herpes. Gemini May 22 - June 21 The nerds born under the sign of Gemini are exuberant, agile, scrawny and restless, with an abundance of intellectual energy - enough for two people. Maybe that's why the sign is represented by the twins. According to Zodiacal lore, Gemini is the sign of the inventor. Famous Gemininerd: Pat Pending who, tired of the popularity of the jockstrap, invented the nerdstrap. (The former being for hardware and the latter for software.) Cancer June 22 - July 22 The nerds born under the sign of Cancer are indecisive. Unlike the sign's symbol, the crab, these moon-children are easygoing, sympathetic and very patient. Their patience is evident in every phase of their life. For instance, they're the ones who like catsup. They are also the zodiac's least talkative people. Famous Cancer nerd: Calvin Coolidge, who said,"You don't have to explain what you don't say." Leo July 23 -August 23 Leo sounds like the sign under which nerds should be born...or what they should be named. These people, whose sign is symbolized by the lion, are proud energetic and enterprising, but they seem to be slightly off track, i.e.,the Leonerd writer who penned: "The Ups and Downs of the Third Reich", and "Rebecca of Sunnybook Agricultural Collective. Virgo August 24 - September 23 Virgo is symbolized by The Virgin, appropriately, since most nerds born under this sign learn so much about the birds and the bees, it seems hard for them to get interested in girls.They do, however, have both feet planted firmly on the ground. Aha! Maybe that's what their problem is - they can't get their pants off. Virgonerds are also meticulous, methodical and meshuga. Libra September 24 - October 23 Nerds born under the sign of Libra, the Scales, are generally well balanced, and practical business people. It is the Libranerd who will sell Windex to Peeping Toms; build a two partition shower for people who like to sing duets; and design drapes to match the the sidewalk for people who have been dispossessed. Scorpio October 24 - November 22 Nerds born under the sign of Scorpio, the Scorpion, can actually be born under a scorpion... that's how short they usually are. Yes, short and sexy. They're so sexy that the birds and the bees study THEM. But seriously ... These Scorpionerds are able to curb their passion because they are experts at self-mastery and have complete control over their will. In fact they are usually the executor. Famous Scorpionerds: Dick Cavett, one of the few well groomed nerds. (Most nerds have holes in their socks, and they don't give a damn.) Sagittarius November 23 - December 22 The nerds born under the sign of Saggitarius, The Archer,are impulsive, candid, and extremely curious. A Sagittarianerd might wonder: What will happen to Scotland Yard when we go metric? Why don't we call a 'flying fish' a 'swimming bird'? If the world is getting smaller why do they keep raising the postal rates? Famous Saggitarianerd: Woody Allen, who asks and answers:"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food, frequently there must be a beverage." Capricorn December 23 - January 20 Nerds born under the sign of Capricorn, The Goat, know their own mind and are frequently looked up to as authorites. The following anecdote illustrates the preceeding statement: A goat found a can of film and devoured it, reel and all. A lamb, observing his friend, asked, "How did you like the film?" "The film was good, "replied the goat, "But the book was better." Incidentally, never ask a hypochondriac how he feels unless you want to hear an "organ recital". Aquarius January 21 - February 19 The nerds born under the sign of Aquarius, The Water Bearer, are known for their breadth of vision. One imaginative Aquarianerd discovered a way to keep the cat litter smelling fresh. She got rid of the cat. Pisces February 20 - March 20 The nerds born under the sign Pisces, The Fish, are gentle, sensitive, and kind. The only known instance of a Piscesnerd spitting in a man's face was when his moustache was on fire. These Pisces people are not into material things. Their philosophy is that a person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is never sure. Famous Piscesnerd: Albert Einstein who, when asked gave the following: "If A is success, the formula is A equals X plus Y plus Z; X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut." ------------------------------------------------------- The Nerd Dollar Where it Goes Age Sixteen $0.01 Insurance policies, clothing, dating, greeting cards, grooming needs, personal hygiene, entertainment,laundry. $0.35 Marvel comics. $0.43 Video Games $0.12 Twinkies $0.06 Movies $.03 Pot Age Forty $0.01 Insurance policies, clothing, ex-wife, greeting cards, grooming needs, personal hygiene, entertainment, laundry. $0.35 Marvel comics. $0.43 Computer peripherals. $0.06 Films $0.03 Recreational drugs. ------------------------------------------------------- Words of the Greatest Nerds "Audiences all applaud but none of the will come ho me with you and look at your back to see if you have a pimple. Gilda Radner "When a man is asked to make a speech the first thing he has to decide is what to say." Gerald Ford "Everybody is talking about how hard life is, and here I am singing about how good it is to be alive. John Denver "If God meant us to eat sugar he wouldn't have invented dentists" Ralph Nader "The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by other peo0le's rules, while quietely playing by your own." Michael Korda "Sex is the biggest nothing of all time" Andy Worhol "Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise." Dr. Scholl "When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'" Jerry Lewis "I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." Steve Martin "Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but if it isn't, it ain't. That's logic. Lewis Carroll "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Issac Asimov "Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?" George Gobel "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."