Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -Mark Twain Ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries FIRST! - LAZARUS LONG - Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you. - LAZARUS LONG - A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased - he hates all creative people equally. Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the bald truth on social occasions. - LAZARUS LONG - It's not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves. - LITTLE RICHARD - Few things are more beautiful than a sunrise - except when you're waiting for the kids to come home. - Doug Larson - If you come out of the laundry with an even number of socks, you have somebody else's laundry. The only thing more disturbing than a neighbor with a noisy old car is a neighbor with a quiet new one. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - MAE WEST - A desk is a wastebasket with drawers. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning. Those other subjects merely require scholarship. Progress is wonderful. Thanks to the TV-satellite dish, you can have something on your lawn that's uglier than crab grass. Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. - LAZARUS LONG - The greatest productive force is human selfishness. - LAZARUS LONG - Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss. - LAZARUS LONG - Never try to outstubborn a cat. - LAZARUS LONG - Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge, the more likely they are to think so. If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now. - Larry Wright - If every dog has its day, why do some bark all night? - Doug Larson - If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. - Doug Larson - The test of fairness is how fair you are to those who are not. - Malcolm S. Forbes - Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. - LAZARUS LONG - Praise??? Unimportant, but jolly to remember while falling asleep. - W.H. Auden - Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. - LAZARUS LONG - Never play poker with a man named Ace. - Lindsey Nelson - If you're stopped by the police, shut off your engine and put your mouth in neutral. - Gene Brown - Never eat any product on which the listed ingredients cover more than one third of the package - Herb Caen - To be sure your cash is safe, hide it in an empty beer bottle on your lawn. No one will pick it up there - Noel Wical - To make a long story short, try to tell it to your kids. - Orben - If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older. - Abraham Sutzkever - Democracy's real test lies in its respect for minority opinion. - Ellery Sedgwick - Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's really where you wish they were. - George E. Bergman - Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God. - Diana Robinson - Frustration is when the same snow that covers the ski slopes makes the roads to them impassable. - James Holt McGavran - The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. - Arthur C. Clarke - May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. - Joey Adams - There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. - Freya Stark - You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you have something. - Gene Brown - The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win. - Joey Adams - Wit sets a snare, whereas humor goes off whistling without a victim in its mind. - Charles S. Brooks - A land developer is someone who wants to build a mountain cabin this year. A conservationist is someone who built his cabin last year. Beauty seen is never lost. - John Greenleaf Whittier - Why is it that the later you are, the longer the length of the red light? - Paul Dickson - The secret of a clean desk is a mammoth wastebasket. There are two kinds of people at a family reunion - those who talk about all their ailments and those who help wash the dishes. It's a glorious feeling when that piece of paper under the windshield-wiper blade turns out to be an advertising circular. Nothing tends to confirm suspicion more quickly than an official denial. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy. - James Dent - An ounce of don't-say-it is worth a pound of didn't-mean-it. - L.M. Boyd - You know computers are getting too sophisticated when a message comes on the screen that says: "Go home. I can finish this without you." The great tragedies of history occur not when right confronts wrong but when two rights confront each other. - Henry Kissinger - August is the month when the collabsible wading pool you bought in June finally does. It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. - Richard Armour - The purest affection the heart can hold is the honest love of a nine-year-old. - Holman F. Day - Miracles are instantaneous. They cannot be summoned, but come of themselves, usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton - Fair play is primarily not blaming others for anything that is wrong with us. - Eric Hoffer - It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. - Maimie Van Doren - You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. - Ed Cunningham - Never hesitate to hold out your hand; never hesitate to accept the outstretched hand of another. Resisting temptation is easier... when you think you'll have another chance later. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -Oscar Wilde All that glitters has a high refractive index. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind, and won't change the subject. -Winston Churchill A desk is a wastebasket with drawers. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even if you take Hofstadter's Law into account. Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -Mickey Mouse It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. If it is not there, it does not exist. If it screams, it's not food. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all. It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. No one is completely worthless. They can always serve as a bad example. If you find yourself in a hole: quit digging. Words must be weighed, not counted. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. When you get there, there's no there there. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. -Mark Twain A king's castle is his home. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. -Frederick Crane One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Men are not punished for their sins, but by them. -E. Hubbard When we think a thing, the thing we think is not the thing we think we think, but only the thing we think we think we think. -Anonymous A closed mouth gathers no foot. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. He who hesitates is last. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. Friction is a drag. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Schizophrenia beats being alone. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? He who laughs last didn't get the joke. Atheism is a "non-prophet" organization. Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. - LAZARUS LONG - Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - LAZARUS LONG - He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. On a clear disk you can seek forever. Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Individualists unite! Recursive, adj.; see Recursive An expert is someone from out of town. Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Clones are people two. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Reality does not exist - yet. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. It's better to be sick and wealthy than to be sick and poor. All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle. The simpler the theory, the more complicated its wording. The secret of success is sincerity; once you can fake it you have it made. The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first. Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with. It'll save you a lot of time if before entering court you get a look at the jury. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -DWIGHT D, EISENHOWER If the facts are against you, argue the law; if the law is against you, pound the table and yell like hell. An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -Thomas Jefferson Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion - with confidence. A bird in the hand is worth about three kleenex. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. Never argue with a fool; people might not know the difference. The first myth of management is that it exists. The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion. -GEORGE WASHINGTON There are a lot of lies going around, and half of them are true. -Winston Churchill A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. A penny saved is a penny. Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. - LAZARUS LONG - Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - LAZARUS LONG - Happiness is like a kiss -- in order to get any good out of it you have to give it to somebody else. - George Bernard Shaw - The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - NIELS BOHR - Natural laws have no pity. - LAZARUS LONG - These things are good in little measure and evil in large: Yeast, Salt, and Hesitation. - The Talmud - Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer - April's the month when the green returns to the lawn, the lilac, and the IRS. - Changing Times - If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten thousand to one. - LAZARUS LONG - Never try to outstubborn a cat. - LAZARUS LONG - After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. - Aldous Huxley - When there is an original sound in the world, it wakens a hundred echoes. - John A. Shedd - The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent. - Sam Levenson - Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash. - Gen. George S. Patton Jr. - He who hesitates is last. Have you considered that if you "don't make waves," nobody, including yourself, will know that you are alive. - Theodore I. Rubin - Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule, or the cook. If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. - Lin Yutang - The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. - H.P. LOVECRAFT - Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. - LAZARUS LONG - A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. - LAZARUS LONG - Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than you do. - Raymond Mortimer - Conscience is a small inner voice that doesn't speak you language. - Merit Crossword Puzzle - A man is not finished when he's defeated; he's finished when he quits. - RICHARD NIXON - One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar - HELEN KELLER - The persons hardest to convince they're at retirement age are children at bedtime. - Shannon Fife - Familiarity breeds contempt (and children!). When a woman sits at a spinning wheel these days, she's probably in Atlantic City. - Los Angelas Times - Man cannot live by incompetence alone. - LAURENCE PETER - Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die. - John W. Campbell - That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. - Thoreau - Spring is when a boy mantis sees a girl mantis and finally realizes what he's been praying for. - Robert Orben - Never try to outstubborn a cat. - LAZARUS LONG - The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars. Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone. People today are wearing things on their T-shirts that they once wouldn't dare tell their analysts. - Kup - Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. - Albert Szent-Gyorgi - It's infuriating to realize that the comic book confiscated by your mother 40 years ago may now be worth thousands of dollars. - Doug Larson - Today's graffiti are tomorrow's cave paintings. Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas! - Ben Jonson - He is a Governor that governs his Passions, and he is servant that serves them. - BEN FRANKLIN -Happiness is the 15th day of a 14 day diet. Happiness is a back-seat driver with a sore throat Happiness is being able to sleep late and still have a reason to get up in the morning. A weed is a plant with nine lives. If God had wanted us to plant gardens, he wouldn't have created supermarkets. A change of fortune hurts a wise man no more than a change of the moon. - BEN FRANKLIN - Work as if you were to live 100 years, pray as if you were to die tomorrow. - BEN FRANKLIN - Everybody has been young before - but not everybody has been old before. Listen to thy elders. The honey is sweet, but the Bee has a sting. - BEN FRANKLIN - A desk is a wastebasket with drawers. Luck is the residue of design. - Branch Rickey - If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. - Kahlil Gibran - Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches. - Orben - The same man cannot be both friend and flatterer. - BEN FRANKLIN - The most pleasant and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the universe for God to worry about. - Don Marquis - Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - LAZARUS LONG - The eye of a master will do more work than his hand. - BEN FRANKLIN - The heart of the fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. - BEN FRANKLIN - One good thing about becoming ninety years old is that you're not subject to much peer pressure. - Paul Hirshson - What you would seem to be, be really. - BEN FRANKLIN - Half wits talk much but say little. - BEN FRANKLIN - Declaiming against Pride is not always a sign of humility. - BEN FRANKLIN - Doing an Injury puts you below your Enemy. Revenging one makes you but even with him. Forgiving it sets you above him. - BEN FRANKLIN - He's so tight he doesn't even breathe all the air he needs. A few drinks of that and you're nine feet tall and bulletproof. He's so ugly he'd make a freight train take a dirt road. It ain't that he's mean, but the mean ones don't mess with him. Long as I got a biscuit, you got half. A small child is someone who can wash his hands without getting the soap wet. - Red O'Donnell - Youth is a time of rapid changes. While his kid is between the ages of 12 and 17, a parent can age 30 years. - Sam Levenson - God loves all men, but is enchanted by none. - Isaac Asimov - Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. - LAZARUS LONG - Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - SIGMUND FREUD - It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night. - WILLIE SUTTON - Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. - BILLY ROSE - When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. - AL CAPONE - Always store beer in a dark place. - LAZARUS LONG - When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. - MAE WEST - If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion. - LAZARUS LONG - A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. - LAZARUS LONG - Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks. - LAZARUS LONG - Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. - HASSAN I SABBAH - It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. - LAZARUS LONG - One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. - LAZARUS LONG - Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - LAZARUS LONG - You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once. An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. - LAZARUS LONG - Take what you can use and let the rest go by. - KEN KESEY - Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. - LAZARUS LONG - Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. - LAZARUS LONG - Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - BO DIDDLEY - Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. - LAZARUS LONG - Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. - LAZARUS LONG - You live and learn. Or you don't live long. - LAZARUS LONG - The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. - KARL MARX - One man's "magic" is another man's Engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word. - LAZARUS LONG - Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. - LAZARUS LONG - I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - LAZARUS LONG - Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not. - LAZARUS LONG - Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. -Winston Churchill I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. -Oscar Wilde This sentence no verb. Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -Ambrose Bierce Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. -Samuel Butler First Law of Wingwalking: Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.