A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Marys. So he went on driving and praying. By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Marys, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute (presumably by asking the nearest cop), and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Marys". The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Marys for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?". Two Irishmen were digging a ditch in front of a whorehouse. Pretty soon, Rabbi Ginzburg walks up and goes in. Says one, "'Tis a terrible thing to see a man of the cloth goin' into a place like that". Says the other, "Sure and 'tis a terrible thing". They went on digging. Somewhat later, Reverend Jones walks up and goes in. Says the first, "'Tis a terrible thing to see a man of the cloth goin' into a place like that". Says the other, "Sure and 'tis a terrible thing". They went on digging. Later still, Father Kelly walks up and goes in. Says the first Irishman, "Sure, somebody must be dyin'". SADISTIC (Including racist) Q. How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed? A. You put Velcro on the ceiling. Q. How do you get them down? A. You tell a couple of Mexican kids that there is a pinata up there. A tribe of cannibals had reached such a level of sophistication that they raised slaves for food much as cattle are used. It seems that they regarded the rump as the choicest part, and over many years they had actually used selective breeding to produce a strain with large succulent rumps. Eventually, a missionary landed on their island and was understandably appalled at what he saw. He spent many years converting them to Christianity, and getting them to give up their disgusting practices. When he felt his work was done, he went on to other places. After many more years passed, now old, he decided to revisit his original tribe. When he landed, the natives were quite happy to see him again and ushered him immediately into the chief's hut. As he entered, his eye fell on something that quite horrified him: A copy of Fanny Farmer's Cookbook! A quadruple amputee went to a whorehouse. The madam answered the door and stood aghast. "What you doin here, man?", she asked, "You ain't got no arms and you ain't got no legs!". He replied, "Well I rung the bell, didn't I?" Q. What's the height of optimism? A. An Ethiopian wearing a dinner jacket. Somewhere in the South, they pulled the body of a black man from the river. He was bound in chains from head to foot. So they called the sheriff. When he arrived, he took one look and said, "Ain't that typical? Tryin' to steal more chain than he could swim with!". They say that President Johnson was driving through the South one day when he happened to pass a lake. He saw two white men in a speed boat with a black man water skiing behind. Thinking this was an outstanding example of integration, he stopped his car, hailed the boat over to shore, and said a few words to the occupants commending them for their contribution to the civil rights movement. After he left, one of the men said to the other, "Seemed like a nice enough feller -- just a little confused". "Well", said the other, "Reckon he just never saw nobody troll for alligators before". A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick his ass". SEASONAL A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?". "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." One very foggy Christmas night, Santa Claus happened to have a package to deliver to someone in Virginia. So he flew up and down the East coast, landed once in Maryland, tried again and found himself in North Carolina, tried several more times but could not find the state of Virginia. Finally in desperation he landed at a gas station and asked the attendant, "Say is there any such place as Virginia?". To which the attendant replied with those immortal words: "Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia". SEXIST A gay fellow went to Denmark to have a sex change operation performed. When "she" returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?". "Oh awful, just awful", she replied. "What was so awful?", asked the friend, "Did it hurt a lot when the removed the extra parts?". "Oh no, that wasn't bad", she replied. "Well, did it hurt when they put in the silicone implants?" "Oh no, that wasn't bad". Well then, what was so awful?" "It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out half my brain!" When this fellow was small, to keep him from playing around, they told him that girls had teeth "down there" and would bite him if he wasn't careful. Well he was pretty scared, so he never played around and, in fact, grew up believing the story. Eventually, a woman got him into bed. As he was obviously keeping his distance, she asked, "What's wrong?" He replied, "I'm afraid you're going to bite me". She said, "Oh don't be silly. Girls really don't have teeth." But he said, "You're just saying that so you can bite me". And the more she tried to convince him, the more adamant he became. Finally she said, "Well, for heaven's sake! Put on the lights and look for yourself!". So he did. Taking one look, he shook his head and said, "God! With gums like that, no wonder you don't have any teeth!". TEXANS A woman was driving alone across the great Southwest when her car stopped in the middle of nowhere. She got out, raised the hood, and leaned underneath. The heavy hood then came down trapping her. A very ungentlemanly fellow came by, saw her helpless condition, proceeded to take advantage of her, and then left. Eventually, a pair of highway patrolmen came by and released her. She told them that she had been raped by a Texan. Upon repeated questioning, she insisted that the man was a Texan. One of the officers finally asked her how she could be so sure that he was a Texan when she obviously couldn't see anything. She replied, "Well, he had an awfully big belt buckle and not much else!"' Two Texans were urinating off a bridge. One said, "Boy, that water's cold!" "Yeah", said the other, "And the gravel on the bottom's murder!". A Texan strode into a bar in Alaska and began to mouth off with typical Texas modesty. He was told that if he wanted to qualify as an Alaskan, he would have to do three things in the same afternoon: He would have to drink a fifth of whiskey, wrestle a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo girl. Well the fifth of whiskey was no particular problem. Then, feeling no pain, he staggered out to look for a polar bear. Some time later, torn to shreds, he dragged himself back into the bar. "All right", he said, "Where's that Eskimo girl I'm supposed to wrestle?". A Texan got up one morning and noticed that the upper half of his eyeballs were blue and the lower half brown. So he went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. The doctor gave him a pitcherfull of something to drink. After he had drunk it he said, "What was that? It tasted terrible". The doctor replied, "It was shit. You were running a quart low". A man who was driving across Texas stopped at a roadside tavern and ordered a short beer. The bartender brought him a huge mug of beer. The man complained, "I said a short beer!" The bartender said, "Everything's big in Texas. This is what we call a short beer". The man said nothing, drank the beer, and went his way. A little farther down the road, he stopped at another bar and again ordered a short beer. Again the bartender brought him a huge mug of beer. The man complained, "I said a short beer!". The bartender said, "Everything's big in Texas. This is what we call a short beer". The man said nothing, drank the beer, and went his way. A little farther down the road, he stopped at a big motel/restaurant complex. By this time he needed to use the restroom. So he asked the bartender where it was located. The bartender directed him down the hall and to the right. Well, the man got confused, turned left instead, and fell directly into the swimming pool. As he was falling, he shouted, "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!". UTTERLY REVOLTING A drunk was trying to cadge a drink from a bartender who kept telling him to get lost. Finally he said to the bartender, "All right, I'll show you! If you won't give me a drink, I'll run all your customers out of here". "So how are you going to do that?", asked the bartender. "I'm going to drink out of the spittoon", replied the drunk. "Go ahead if that's your taste", said the bartender. So the drunk went over to the spittoon, picked it up, brought it back to the bar, and began to drink, trying to be as obnoxious about it as possible. Pretty soon , customers began to leave. After a while, there were only two customers left. The bartender began to get anxious, so he said to the drunk, "OK, I'll pour you a drink. Just put the spittoon down". The drunk paid no attention, but kept on drinking, choking and gagging as he went. Pretty soon, one more customer left. "Come on, put the spittoon down. I'll pour you a drink", said the increasingly anxious bartender. Again, the drunk paid no attention, but continued his disgusting act. Finally the last customer left. Then the drunk put down the spittoon. "You rotten so-and-so", hollered the bartender, "I said I'd pour you a drink. Why did you have to run the last customer out?". "I couldn't stop', explained the drunk, "It was all on the same string!". An Italian and a Greek were walking down by the waterfront. The Italian fell in the water and was drowning. So the Greek went in and pulled him out. By this time, the guy was half drowned, so the Greek stretched him out on the dock, pulled down his trousers, and began blowing into his rectum. A passerby ran over and said, "Hey, what are you doing?". "Can't you see? I'm giving him artificial respiration", said the Greek. "You can't do it that way", said the passerby, "You have to do it mouth-to-mouth". "Forget it!", said the Greek, "Did you ever smell an Italian's breath after he's been eating garlic?". Q. What is the difference between a fairy and a microwave oven? A. A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat. What's black and red and won't go through a revolving door? A Nun with a spear through her head. Why do Iraqese men wear robes? Camels can hear a zipper for miles! How many UN representatives does it take to screw in a light bulb? 160 - 1 to screw it it and 159 to demand its immediate withdrawal. The troops in Saudi Arabia are eating the lastest edition of C-rations, called MRE's, for Meals Ready to Eat. - Since they taste like stale hardtack, the soldiers have renamed them Meals Rejected by Ethopians. "Women are like busses, a new one comes along every 10 minutes." "I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less either." A blind man walked into a lumber yard and asked the manager for a job as a lumber sorter. The manager was inclined to say no, but feared charges of job discrimination. So he decided to give the man a test, which he was sure the blind man couldn't pass. The manager said to his pretty, young secretary, "Go in the back and get a board from that new shipment." She returned and place the board in front of the blind man, who bent down and sniffed the board. "That's white pine and it's only 6 weeks old." The manager was taken aback, but ascribed the feat to a lucky guess. He asked his secretary to bring a board from one of the oldest lumber piles in the yard. The blind man sniffed the plank and said, "That's black walnut. It's 15 years old, and it's been stored under some oak boards." Now the manager was worried. He was sure if he hired the man, he would be leaving himself open for job-related injuries and lawsuits which would surely follow. So he turned to his secretary and whispered, "Take off your panties and give them to me." The girl complied after some hesitation. The manager set them on the counter in front of the man, saying "OK, If you can identify this one, you're hired." The blind man sniffed carefully and said, "That's a tough one. Turn it over." The manager smiled and complied, knowing he had the blind man stumped. The blind man sniffed again and shouted, "I've got it. It's 21 years old, and it's the sh*thouse door off a tuna boat. Now do I get the job?" A young man got a job hearding sheep on the lonely Montana prarie (sp?). He was quite surprised when after dinner, the other hearders selected a few sheep from the flock, and proceeded to have sex with them. "That was disgusting" he rmarked to one of the satiated shepherds. "Well, after you've been out here a few months, you'll think differently about it", the other said. Sure enough, after a couple of months without seeing anything female but sheep, the idea of having sex with one became more attractive to the newcomer.Having staked out his position as being above that sort of thing, he didn't want the others to know, so when they selected their sheep for the evening, he snuck away, and enjoyed his sheep behind a bush. When he returned, all the other shepherds pointed at him and laughed. He was irate. "You've got some nerve. Every night I see you doing the same thing!" "Yes", one of the others replied, "but you picked the ugliest one in the whole flock". Upon hearing that Clayton Williams was learning Spanish, so as to be able to communicate better with Hispanic voters, Jim Hightower remarked, "Oh, good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant". Q. What do you get when you eat onions and beans ?????? A. TEAR GAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do get when you mix a Jew and Tavel agent ? A guilt trip . Does the Telephone Company know about you? Venessa Williams for President: She can lick Bush! There was this man who walked into this bar, and, said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $20.00 I can bite my eye". The bartended said, "There's no way you can bite your eye! OK, I'll bet you $20.00." So, the man took out his glass eye, and bit it. The bartender said that this was pretty sneaky, and paid up. Then, the man said that he bet the bartender that he could bite his other eye as well. The bartender said, "You must think I'm stupid. I'm not going to bet on the same thing I just lost on again!" Then, the man replied, "No, really, I'll leave my eye in it's socket, and bite it." So, the bartended agreed to bet the man $20.00. So, the man took his false teeth out, and bit his other eye. The bartended at this point was pretty mad, but paid up. The next day, the man came in again. He said, "I bet you $50.00 that I can piss in a glass going down the bar as fast as you can push it!" The bartender, knowing he could push a glass pretty fast accepted the offer. So, the bartender pushed the glass, and, the man pissed all over the bar, and didn't get a drop in the glass. At this point, both men were laughing. Then, the bartender stopped laughing, and, said, "Why are you laughing? You just lost $50.00!" At this point, the man replied, "Well, see those two guys at the end of the bar? Well, I bet them $100.00 that I could piss all over your bar, and make you laugh about it!" The Friendly Guide to Safe Fax! Q. Do I have to be married to have fax ? A. Good Lord, no. People who hardly ever fax their wives will spend most of their working lives faxing complete strangers. Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. Is this true ? A. Yes, but why worry about boring old twits like them ? Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind ? A. Certainly not. As far as I can see. Q. There is a place on our street now, where you can go and pay to fax; is this legal ? A. Yes, many lonely people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need for fax becomes too strong. Q. What are the consequences of indiscriminate fax ? A. Very high telephone bills. Q. Does the size of my memo affect the job of fax ? A. Depends upon the individual preference of the recipient. By the way, research has proven that black men do not necessarily have larger memos. Q. What happens if I change my mind in the middle of fax ? A. Use faxus interruptus (commonly referred to as "pause"). Q. Do you ever get too old to fax ? A. People well into their 80's enjoy faxing regularly. However, the time it takes to insert may be affected. Q. Is faxing hazardous to my health ? A. Just remember, you are not just faxing one person, but everyone they've faxed for the past 10 years. Who knows what they've transmitted ! Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. PMS-Primadonna Moron Syndrome An extremely wealthy man collected bottles. He had every one in his special collection except the tis bottle. He let it be known to his valet, butler, pilot, and navigator that no expense was to be spared in the search for the tis bottle. They flew in his jet to Egypt, rented a caravan of camels and entered every single pyramid. It took approximately three months to examine each pyramid because of the mazes within. Alas, no tis bottle. Next they went to the darkest corner of Africa. Fighting off the lions and rhinos, they came upon a Pyramid tribe. And the king of the tribe had the tis bottle!!! ! ! ! ! "Oh, the tis bottle! What can I give you for this tis bottle?" The king replied, "We want electricity, running water, a nuclear plant, two television sets and VCRs for each member of my tribe, a complete set of Nintendo/Sega/Geneses machines and cartridges for each child, a 45-carat diamond for each of my wives, 100 -carat diamond rings for each of my concubines, and _________ and ______________" The king kept itemizing his list of wishes for the next fifteen minutes. The wealthy man said, "Deal!" They shook hands on it. After all the items were brought to the tribe, the rich guy decided better not fly the tis bottle home in the private jet because there might be some turbulence. So he purchased the Queen Mary ship, had it sailed to him, and he boarded the ship with the precious tis bottle. Months later, the ship with the tis bottle arrived into the harbor. The man's valet carried the bottle to the limo, and the chauffeur gently drove it home (along with the man, of course.) At last!!!!! The tis bottle was placed in its rightful spot among the special collection. Two ounces of water was poured into it. The man then tapped each bottle in harmony and sang, "My country 'tis of thee ......." Lawyer, n. - One who is skilled in the circumvention of the law. -Ambrose Bierce Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation. -H.L. Menken What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture can't take off its wing tips... Three surgeons were sitting around talking about the types of patients they liked to operate on. The first said, "I like to work on Germans; once you open them up, everything is arranged in a neat, orderly, militaristic fashion - it makes things easy." The second said, "I like to operate on Japanese; once you open them up, everything is color-coded, like their electronics. It makes operating easier." The last surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers - once you open them up, there's no heart, no guts, no backbone, and there's only two moving parts, the mouth and the anus; and those are interchangeable." A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. -H.L. Menken What is Cole's Law? chopped raw cabbage and mayonnaise The Chinese couple return home after working all night at the Chinese restaurant. He gets into bed with his wife and feels a little horny. "How about some 69?", he asks. "What! Chicken and pea pods at this hour"? MY JOB IS MEDICAL FIELD SERVICE (I DRIVE OR FLY TO HOSPITALS AND REPAIR EQUIPMENT), ALL THE SERVICE ENGINEERS ARE DISPATCHED FROM ONE PERSON. AFTER A LONG TIME I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DISPATCH PROTOCALL: 1. A CALL COMES IN. 2. AN ENGINEER IS ASSIGNED IN THE FOLLOWING WAY: A. FIND THE ENGINEER FARTHEST FROM THE SIGHT, WITH THE LEAST EXPERIENCE (PREF. HE HAS NEVER SEEN THE EQUIPMENT BEFORE) WITH THE FEWEST SPARE PARTS, AND NO SERVICE MANUAL. 3. HE IS THEN FLOWN ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON ACROSS TWO TIME ZONES, TO A SIGHT THAT IS TEN MINUTES FROM A LOCAL ENGINEER THAT HAS PARTS EXPERIENCE AND, A SERVICE MANUAL, AND NO SERVICE CALLS AT ALL FOR THE DAY. 4. THE DISPATCHED ENGINEER THEN STRUGGLES THROUGH THE SERVICE CALL ALL WEEKEND, FLYS HOME LATE SUNDAY, AND PROPTLY GETS YELLED AT EARLY MONDAY MORNING, BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS JUST DIED AGAIN. I AM ALWAYS AMAZED AT THE HUMOR THAT CAN BE FOUND IN REAL LIFE. MAY BE A BIT DRY AND CYNICAL, BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE DRY AND CYNICAL, IF IT WAS NOT ME IT MIGHT BE YOU. YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR DOING IT FOR YOU. Heard the old one about the hunter who bagged two deer in the same area. Took them to the taxidermist. Taxidermist says, "Would you like them mounted?" Says the Hunter,"Naw, holding hands would be find, I think there were just friends." A man and wife who for many years had had a very good full life with never a care for anything, fell upon hard times. It got worse and worse till there was literally nothing left of their money or friends. There was no money coming in, their friends deserted them, and they finally sold their last remaining possessions so they could sustain life. Finally that too was running out. The husband could find no solution but one. One day he approached his still lovely wife and convinced her that there was only one source of income left to them. She was still a very good looking woman and she would have to go out on the street and sell herself to get some money coming in. After much discussion, she finally agreed that it would be the only way, and so one evening soon after she dressed carefully and left the apartment early. The next morning she returned, Looking like she was half DEAD! Her clothes were half torn off her and she practically crawled accross the room. She got to the table and took out from her purse a roll of bills totaling $500 plus a 25 cent piece. Her husband looked at the quarter and asked who had given her the quarter? Her reply? "All of them did!" DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTAS REINDEERS WIVES DO ON CHRISTMAS EVE WHILE THE REINDEER ARE HELPING SANTA MAKE HIS ROUNDS? THEY GO TO THE ELKS CLUB FOR THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AND BLOW A FEW BUCKS! What do Japanese blokes do when they have an erection? (They vote, just rike Amelicans or Engrish do.) A guy is sitting in a bar and having a drink and decides to ask the bartender if he wants to hear a joke. The bartender says sure, go ahead. So the customer starts out the joke with" these two pollacks walk into.." At this point the bartender says "wait a minute buddy. You see those two guys on the end of the bar that look like they just escaped from Joliet? They're polish. You see the two guys at the other end of the bar that look like linebackers for the Chicago Bears? They're polish. And I'm polish. So do you still want to tell your dumb joke?" The customer thought for a second and said " No, not if I have to explain it five times." HERE'S TO THE GIRL WITH THE LITTLE RED SHOES, SHE LOVES TO PARTY , SHE LOVES THE BLUES. SHE LOST HER CHERRY BUT THAT AINT NO SIN, SHE'S STILL GOT THE BOX HER CHERRY CAME IN. If Elvis were alive, what would be the first thing he would do??? Kick off the coffin lid! Know what Hussein and panty hose have in common? They both irratate Bush. Know the difference between a refrigerator and a queer? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. THE CREATION OF PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he have it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, trew in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and f***** it and called it a cunt. Two window washers are on the side of a tall building, cleaning the glass. The one washer says, "Hey Fred, if Hussein launches the big one at us, and we only have 15 minutes left to live, what would you do?" Fred said, "Hell, I'd screw the first thing that moved. Why, what would you do?" "Well, I sure wouldn't move..." A duck walks into the pharmacy and asks if they have anything for chapped lips. "Why yes, we have Carmex." The duck said he'd take it. "One dollar please" requested the pharmacist. The duck said "Ahh, just put it on my bill." Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Did you all hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insommniac who stayed up all night contemplating if there really is a DOG. Hear about the newly married couple? Wanted to fly United, but the stewardess would not let them!! What's the difference between an IRAQI woman and a catfish? One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other lives in the sea. Did you hear that Poland sent troups to the Golf??? Mexico isn't sure what they should do about it!!! How many anti-war protestors does it take to change a light bulb? None, they would rather sit in the dark and bitch about it. why wasn't Saddam circumcised?? Cuz there was no end to that prick. What does SCUD stand for? Stupid, Crazy, Ugly Dictator Have you heard about the latest rage in Iraq ? A beer called SCUD LIGHT. It takes 15 to get bombed! WHY DID GOD GIVE WOMEN BELLY BUTTONS? So men have a place to put their gum when they're eating! Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo Hear about the new Saddam condoms? They're made for the guy who just won't pull out. Know why Saddam doesn't go bar-hopping? Hell, he can stay home and get bombed! Do you know what Saddam has in his shorts? Scud marks. Why are Polacks buried face down?? So visitors have a place to park their bikes. What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common? They both didn't pull out in time! What do Baghdad and Nagasaki have in common? Nothing, yet. Does anyone know the name of the girl in bed, between two guys naked? Sharon Peters Saw a cartoon the other day: A-Bomb Built in America Tested in Japan What do you call an Iraqi soldier with a sheep under one arm and a pig under the other arm? Bisexual. Why do Doctors spank newborns? To shake the penis off the dumb ones. Do you know why bosses give you a pat on the back? They're looking for a soft place to stab you. Traveling on a state highway, my husband and I saw a toll-booth entrance being ripped up, concrete roadway and all. We asked an attendant if some new convenience was being installed for the workers. "No way," she replied. "They lost a quarter." Q: There are ninety-nine people in a boat. The boat tips over. How many people are left? A: Sixty-Six (99 -> 66) Why is Saddam constatly kept underground? So he can observe his Air Force. "B-52 bombing from 30,000 to 40,000 feet in the air is very accurrate. We never fail to hit the ground." attributed to an Air Force official. A man about 90 got married to a young chick. Sometime later he was talking to a friend, and the friend asked if his sex life was OK. "Oh yes", the old man replied, "There is a nice nurse who lives in the next-door apartment, and she comes over when we go to bed and helps me climb on". "Then on the other side of us there are three 250 lb. wrestlers, and they come over in the morning and help me climb off". The friend asked, "All three of them?". The old man replied, "Yes, I fight back!" The Arabian sultan felt very horny and sent his eunuch to bring him one of his wives. The eunuch ran from the sultan's bedroom to the harem to fetch one of the sultan's wives and brought her to the sultan. After a short time, the sultan again called for his eunuch and told him that he was still horny and needed another woman. The eunuch ran again to the harem and brought back another woman. This went on many, many times through the night as his majesty could not knock his horns off. Until, finally, the eunuch ran out of breath and dropped dead on the floor. The moral of the story is that it is not having pussy that kills you but running after it. Q. If the German aircraft manufacturer Fokker merged with the Japanese conglomerate Mitsubishi, what would the new company be called? A. Mitsufokkerbishi. The man was walking his penguin in the park when a policeman approached him and said: "You should take this penguin to the zoo!". A few days later, the man was again walking his penguin in the park when the same policeman noticed him and approached him. "I think, that the other day, I told to take this penguin to the zoo?" said the policeman. "I did, tomorrow we are going to the beach." replied the man. Q. What do elephants do when they go to the beach? A. They take their trunks off. BAD PUNS (GENERAL) A candlemaker had two sons. One of them was an industrious lad and worked hard all day making candles. The other was very lazy and hardly did anything all day long. So at bedtime, the father gave the industrious son a candle to light his way to bed. The lazy one had to go to bed in the dark, however. The moral is: There is no wick for the rested. A ship was sailing into some very dangerous, pirate infested waters. As they got deeper into the area, the crew became increasingly terrified. One night they panicked and ripped off all the hatch covers. Using them as rafts, they disappeared into the night. With difficulty, the remaining officers and crew managed to get the ship back into port. After refitting, a new crew was signed on and they again set sail. As they approached the same dangerous waters, the tension again began to build among the crew. Sensing trouble, the first mate lost his nerve and went to the captain. "Captain, the men are grumbling", he said, "We had better turn back before we lose another crew". But the captain maintained his cool. "Keep sailing", he ordered, "Don't count your hatches before they chicken!". Two germs got into a horse's blood stream. They were swimming down one of his main arteries having a wonderful time when they came to a small branching artery. "Let's go see what's up there", said one of them. "Oh no, I'm having too good a time here", replied the other. "Oh come on", insisted the first. So they went to see what was there. Well it happens that they swam right into a big cloud of penicillin and were wiped out on the spot. The moral of the story is: Don't change streams in the middle of a horse. Some astronauts landed on an alien planet. As they got out of their ship, they were surrounded by a large crowd of fuzzy-looking creatures. "Who are you?", asked the team captain. "Were the Furries", they replied. "Take us to your leader", he said. They were escorted into an ornate palace where they found one of the creatures seated on a throne wearing a headdress that looked rather like a large hypodermic syringe. "And who are you, sir", they asked. He replied, "I'm the Furry with the syringe on top". For years, this hunter had heard tales of the foo bird that lives in Africa. Story was that if you should shoot one of these birds, before dying it defecates all over you. Furthermore, if you should try to wash off the offensive material with water, there would be a reaction which could cause you to be severely burned. Well, he took this as one of those old wives tales and gave it no thought. As it happened, one day he was hunting in Africa and unknowingly shot one of these foo birds. Sure enough, he was immediately covered with feces from head to foot. Without thinking, he immediately jumped into a pond of water and was terribly burned. The moral of the story is: If the foo shits, wear it. Two knights and their attendant were riding through the English countryside. It was getting late and there was a storm coming on so they knew that they would have to seek shelter. Unfortunately, the only manor in the area was owned by a lord who was a notorious homosexual. As they rode in that direction, knowing that they would be expected to be cooperative, they were discussing how they should handle the situation. Several options were discussed, then one of the knights said, "Oh well, promise him anything but give him our page". Q. What did the man say to the waiter who served him stale fish? A. Long time no sea! BOOK TITLES "The Yellow River" by I. P. Freely "The Spot on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung "The Spot on the Ceiling" by Fling Dung Hai "The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls "The Halt in the Desert" by Mustapha Krapp "The African Bride" by Erasmus B. Black DRUNKS A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you". A drunk was standing on the street rapping heavily against a lamp post. A cop happened by and said sarcastically, "What's the matter buddy, nobody home?". The drunk slurred, "Hell there ain't, there's a light on upstairs!". ELEPHANTS Q. How do you know when a couple of elephants have been playing around in your backyard? A. Your garbage can liner is missing Q. How do you catch elephants using a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a Mason jar? A. Easy - You look at the elephants through the wrong end of the binoculars. That makes them real small, so you pick them up with the tweezers and put them in the jar. Q. How do you get an elephant into a pack of cigarettes? A. You take out a couple of Camels. Q. How do you shoot a blue elephant? A. With a blue elephant gun of course. Q. How do you shoot a pink elephant? A. You can't. You make him stand out in the cold until he turns blue. Then you shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. How can you eat with that thing? Q. What's the difference between an elephant fart and a cocktail lounge? A. A cocktail lounge is a barroom. An elephant fart is a BARROOOOM! EQUAL TIME Q. What's black and blue and rolls down gutters? A. People who go around telling Italian jokes. Q. Why do Italians have smelly feet? A. From kicking the shit out of people who tell Italian jokes. Q. What do Jews do with the foreskins that they amputate? A. They plant them. Q. Oh? What do they grow? A. Irish cops. At one time, the Pope was threatening to expel the Jews from Rome. So he summoned their leader and advised him that he would have to pass three tests in order for the Jews to remain. The Jew appeared at the appointed hour. For the first test, the Pope made a sweeping gesture with his hand. The Jew replied by pointing directly at the earth. There was a tremendous fanfare as he had evidently passed the first test. For the second test, the Pope held up one finger. The Jew replied by holding up two fingers. Again, there was a great fanfare as he passed the second test. For the third test, the Pope took out an orange. The Jew replied by taking out an egg. There was another great fanfare as he passed the third test. Later, the Pope's counselors asked him what was the meaning of the three tests. The Pope said, "First I said, 'God is the Ruler of all'. Then this wise man reminded me that there is also the devil to be reckoned with. Then I said, 'There is only one God'. This wise man also reminded me that there are the Son and the Holy Spirit. Then I said, 'The earth is round', and this very wise man reminded me that the earth is slightly elliptical". Meanwhile, across town, they asked the Jew what the three tests were that he had passed so magnificently. He said, "First he tells me, 'The Jews gotta go', and I told him, 'The Jews are gonna stay right here'. Then he tells me, 'Up yours', so I tell him, 'Up yours twice'. Then he took out his lunch, so I did the same". A priest and a rabbi had been rivals eversince they were in grade school. The rabbi was just getting along, while the priest was advancing rapidly in the church hierarchy. First he became a bishop, then an archbishop, making sure to let the rabbi know when he got each promotion. Finally he was appointed as a cardinal. Of course, he had to call up the rabbi and rub it in a little. "Just think", he said, "I could be Pope some day!". The rabbi retorted, somewhat bitterly, "When are you going to get to be God?". "What do you mean, 'When am I going to get to be God?'", asked the priest. The rabbi replied, "Well one of our boys made it!". FILTH (GENERAL) A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter. "You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object. "What's that?", asked the customer. "It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk. "What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer. The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the "thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions. The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said. "All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk. "Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here". A prostitute stopped at a farmers house and asked to be put up for the night. "I haven't got any room in the house", replied the farmer, "but you can sleep in my hay loft if you want". So she went out to the hay loft. Pretty soon a travelling salesman came by and asked to be put up for the night. He too was dispatched to the hay loft. Somewhat later, a neighboring farmer, fearing that he wouldn't make it home before dark, stopped and asked to be put up for the night. He was also sent to the hay loft, but since he was an acquaintance, the farmer added somewhat maliciously, "There's already a couple of people out there and it should be fun because what I didn't tell 'em is that an old bear sleeps out there too!". Next morning the farmer was up early doing his chores when the prostitute left the barn. "Had a good night?", he asked. "Well, I had a pretty good night", she replied, "I got $50 from the travelling salesman, and I got $25 from the old farmer, but you know, I couldn't get a dime out of that cheap college kid with the racoon coat!".