STAR SPECK

                         EPISODE 34: Spook Runs Amok

                              by Stanley Dunigan


   "Captain, do you have a minute?"
   Smirk winced as he climbed out of a narrow shaft with a metal ladder in
it. He was taking this roundabout route to his room instead of the
zoomtubes in hopes of avoiding Dr. McDecoy. He had a splitting headache,
and the last thing he needed now was to have the over-reactionary physician
ranting at him about some meaningless thing.
   "A minute?" he asked with faked confusion. "What's that?"
   "Don't be coy with me," snapped McDecoy testily. "I need to have a word
with you about your first officer."
   "Spook? What's wrong with him?"
   "He threatened my life. How's that for starters?"
   "He what?" Suddenly Smirk was interested in spite of himself.
   "I had noticed yesterday that Spook was acting strangely. If he weren't
a Bulkan, I would even say silly."
   "So? Everyone always acts silly in a parody, even Bulkans."
   "Yeah, but this was much worse than usual. When I asked him about it, he
snarled at me. When I told him to report to sickbay for a medical
examination, he said, and I quote, `You will cease to pry into my personal
affairs, Doctor, or I will tear your tonsils out and beat you to death with
them.'"
   "Spook said that?" An icy chill raced up and down Smirk's spine as he
recalled the title of this week's episode.
   "He did," replied the highly offended medical officer. "I guess all
those arguments I've won are really starting to get to him."
   The two men had been walking down the corridor as they spoke, and had by
this time reached the officer quarters. As they rounded the corner, they
saw a woman with a bowl on a tray about to enter the nearest cabin. When
she saw them, she blushed and started to turn away.
   "Nurse Chapped," McDecoy snapped authoritatively.
   The woman turned back to face them, and forced a smile. "Doctor McDecoy.
Captain Smirk. How nice to see you."
   McDecoy walked over to her and lifted the lid off the bowl. "P.U.!" he
said in disgust. "That's Bulkan plumpbeak soup. What in the world are you
doing with that crap?"
   "Well," she said nervously. "I noticed that Mr. Spook hasn't been
eating, and I -"
   "You never give up hoping, do you?"
   "Sir!" Chapped said indignantly. "The fact that I am hopelessly in love
with Mr. Spook, and am trying to get him interested in me, is none of your
business. You will cease to pry into my personal affairs, Doctor, or -"
   "Yes, yes, I know," interrupted McDecoy. "I've already heard all that.
Well, go ahead and take it in to him. I suppose it couldn't hurt."
Grumbling, he turned away.
   After summoning up her last ounce of courage, Nurse Chapped gripped the
tray more firmly and walked into Spook's quarters without knocking. "That
woman has got some serious emotional problems," McDecoy informed Smirk.
   "Yes, I can see -" Smirk's reply was cut short by a piercing scream. He
whirled around in a karate stance, ready to pound whoever had dared to make
such a noise on his ship.
   The doors to Spook's quarters opened, and Nurse Chapped slowly walked
out, a bowl turned upside down on her head, and ugly red soup all over her
uniform. "It hurt," she told McDecoy.
   "That's a very lovely hat you're wearing, Madam," laughed Spook from the
doorway. His gaze turned hostile when he saw McDecoy.
   "Doctor," he began in a dangerous tone.
   "Spook!" Smirk said in a shocked voice, walking over to his formerly
cold and unemotional (to a certain extent) first officer. "Spook, what's
happened to you?"
   "Captain," he replied stiffly, ignoring Smirk's question. "I request a
leave of absence on Bulkan. On our present course, such a diversion would
cost a loss of only the rest of this episode. I'm sure you can fit that
into the Ennui's busy schedule."
   "Spook, I -"
   "I have made my request, Captain," the unhinged Bulkan snarled. "All I
require from you is that you answer it - yes or yeah."
   "Hey, can we talk?" asked Smirk. Before Spook could reply, he turned to
McDecoy and said, "Groans, attend to Miss Chapped. See to it that she
changes into a clean uniform, and mops up the mess on the floor. I'll take
care of our Bulkan friend here." Before any protest could be made, he
shoved his way into Spook's quarters and closed the door.
   "All right, Spook. As your captain, I demand to know what this is all
about."
   "With all due respect, sir (and believe me, that is very little indeed),
that is none of your #*$%ing business."
   "You've never asked for shore leave before. As a matter of fact, you
used to cuss out anyone who even suggested it to you. And now you're
demanding it. I want to know why!" Smirk pounded a nearby table for
emphasis, and unsuccessfully tried to hide his wince of pain in a sneeze.
   "Maybe I've just gotten sick of all of you," Spook said with a sneer.
"Maybe I need a break from this show and its hectic shooting schedule.
Maybe I'm just trying to get an entire episode for myself."
   "Well, I'm sure you'll be able to recuperate just fine at the shore
facilities at the place we're going. If that's all -"
   "No, Captain," said Spook desperately, grabbing a nearby knife and
making alarming gestures with it. "I must take my leave on Bulkan. It's the
only way."
   "Why on Bulkan? Is one of your family sick? How about your parents that
we won't be introduced to until later this season? Are they ill?"
   "No, Captain, nothing of that nature."
   "Then why?"
   "Hey, it's in the script, all right? Isn't that a good enough reason?"
   Smirk, who could see that Spook was on the verge of a complete mental
collapse, decided to obey his instinct for survival rather than Starbeat
Command. After all, it was easy for those desk-bound bureaucrapheads to
issue such orders. They weren't out here risking their lives on a weekly
basis.
   He turned to the vid unit on Spook's desk and flipped it on. "Mr. Drulu,
you and Checkup plot a course for Bulkan and lay it in, or whatever you
people do."
   "Aye, sir," came Drulu's voice over the comlink. Smirk switched it off
and turned back to Spook.
   "Very wise of you, Captain," said Spook, making one final slashing
gesture with the knife. "I would have so hated it if I had had to use
this."
   "I guess we sometimes forget that even Bulkans have to go crazy once in
a while," Smirk said on his way out.
   "Yes," said Spook quietly. "We most certainly do."

   Later that day on the bridge, Boohoora turned to Smirk and said,
"Captain, there's a submarine-space message coming in for you from Starbeat
Command."
   "Put it through, Lieutenant."
   "But, sir," she said. "It's a collect call."
   Smirk sighed and went over to the communications console and inserted
two thousand quarters into the pay slot. The bridge's squawkbox crackled to
life.
   "Captain Smirk on USS Ennui from Starbeat Command," a flat mechanical
voice that made even Spook jealous said. "The Speckie Convention on Altair
VI has been moved forward seven days. You are ordered to be there on time,
since you are the keynote speaker. Starbeat out."
   "Course plotted and laid in," replied Checkup a moment later. "We'll
have to go directly there at warp six. Insufficient time to stop off at
Wulkan."
   "`Wulkan'?" asked Smirk, puzzled.
   "Captain!" said a barely-controlled Spook. "I must go to Bulkan! I can
brook no delay!"
   "Ah," said Smirk, understanding at last. "Bulkan. Well, Mr. Spook,
that's just sailor's luck, I suppose. Au reservoir. Sayonara. Sell a vee.
All that sort of thing."
   "I understand, sir," said Spook, pulverizing a nearby console with his
fist. "I'm sure I can handle it just fine."
   "Good. I'll see to it that you're taken to Bulkan as soon as I give my
wonderful speech to all our rabid fans, and sign a few million autographs.
Got to keep 'em satisfied, you know." Smirk turned and strolled leisurely
back to his command chair.
   "Yes, Captain," Spook said to himself with a grim smile. "I know lots of
things. As you will soon find out!"

   Later that night, as Smirk was preparing for bed, he called Checkup on
his vid unit. "Mr. Checkup. I want you to calculate how late we'll be to
the convention if we head for Bulkan at absolute maximum warp and stop
there just long enough to drop Spook off."
   "Huh?" asked Checkup, open-mouthed.
   "I said," repeated Smirk in exasperation, "I want to know the delay-time
if we max-warp to Bulkan and do a Spook-drop."
   "But, sair," said Checkup. "We're already on course for Bulkan."
   "On whose orders?" growled Smirk ominously.
   "On Meester Spook's orders."
   "Thank you, Checkup. Smirk out." He fell back against the head of his
bed with a groan. "Why, oh, why do these things always happen on my show?"

   Fifteen minutes later, the doors of the zoomtube opened onto the bridge,
and a very annoyed Captain Smirk stepped out. "Mr. Spook," he said in an
ominous voice.
   Spook very slowly and stiffly straightened up from his Viewmaster and
turned to face the captain.
   "You've been a baaaad boy, Mr. Spook," Smirk said, "and now you must
come with me."
   Spook slowly walked over to the zoomtube and entered it. After the doors
closed and the tube started moving, Smirk snapped, "You ordered a course
change without my permission. Why?"
   "I ordered a course change?" asked Spook with apparent surprise.
   "Do you deny it?"
   "No, sir. I do not deny it. I simply don't admit it."
   Smirk frowned deeply, annoyed once again at Spook's proficiency with
legal technicalities and evasion. "The man should have been a lawyer,"
Smirk thought. "Like on Night Court."
   Aloud, he said, "And why not?"
   "I'll take your word for the fact that I did order a course change, but
I don't remember doing it," the Bulkan lied. "I've been forgetting a lot of
things lately."
   "You bet you have, Mister," Smirk said angrily. "And don't you dare
think that I've forgotten about the other times you've attempted hostile
takeovers, back in episodes 15 and 29."
   "If you'll recall, I did more than attempt a takeover in episode 15."
   "Yes, and you've gone steadily downhill since then. If you don't ship
up, then you're going to have to shape out. I will not tolerate such
behavior on my ship!"
   "Oh, take your ship and shove it where the phaser don't shine," replied
Spook.
   Before Smirk could formulate a snappy comeback to this unforgivable
insult, the lift doors opened and Spook stepped out and walked briskly down
the corridor.
   "One of these days -" Smirk angrily pounded his fist on the zoomtube's
railing. His resulting scream of agony was cut off by the closing doors.

   Early the next morning, McDecoy stormed into Smirk's quarters without so
much as pressing the chime button, and waved a data pad with unintelligible
information on it in the sleepy captain's face.
   "If we don't get Spook to Bulkan within a week, seven days on the
outside, he'll die!"
   Smirk sat up in bed too fast, and fell back onto the pillow.
   "He'll die, Jim," McDecoy added for emphasis.
   Slowly getting up and pulling his shirt on, Smirk said, "But why? Why
must he die?" He suddenly noticed that the doctor was carefully massaging a
bruised and twisted arm. "He didn't put you up to this, did he?"
   "He did twist my arm a little," McDecoy admitted, "but I managed to
confirm his claim with my medical scanners."
   "I thought you said he wouldn't let you examine him."
   "That's right, but I sneaked into his quarters while he was on duty
yesterday evening and bugged the place."
   "That's against regulations!" Smirk said, aghast.
   "Hey, I get results, one way or another," replied McDecoy defensively.
"Besides, what he doesn't know won't hurt me."
   "Well, then, Mr. Result-getter. What exactly is wrong with him?"
   "Er, uh, I have no idea."
   "Then how in the world do you know he's going to die? And how do you
know that taking him to Bulkan will save his life?"
   "Mainly because he told me, and I believe him. I love life too much not
to. Also, the medical peekaboo device that I hid in one of his creepy
flaming statues confirms that he is degenerating rapidly, both physically
and emotionally."
   After a moment of stunned silence, Smirk whispered, "What can we do?"
   "I don't know." McDecoy threw up his hands in exasperation. "I guess
we'll just have to take him to Bulkan and hope that that will cure him
somehow."
   "But I've got orders to proceed immediately to Altair VI for that lousy
convention. If I disobey those orders, it could mean the end of my career,
not to mention this show."
   "Jim, Spook is your first officer and closest friend. Isn't that worth a
career?"
   "No way!" retorted Smirk disdainfully. "Why, don't you know I'm the
youngest captain in Starbeat?"
   "And the most self-centered and ungrateful!"
   "Doctor!" Smirk warned.
   "Why don't you go talk to him, Jim? He won't tell me anything. Maybe
he'll tell you something."
   "Oh, all right, I will." Smirk got up and headed for the door. "I'll go
over to his quarters and have it out with him once and for all." He paused
long enough to grab two pocket phasers and verify that both were set on
maximum stun.

   Smirk stormed into Spook's quarters and walked purposefully up to where
the nutty alien was sitting. He had been viewing a picture of a naked
Bulkan girl on his vid unit, but had snapped it off as soon as Smirk had
entered. He didn't want his captain to guess the nature of his disorder,
and that picture would have been worth a few thousand words on the subject.
   "You've been called the best first officer in the fleet," Smirk began.
"That's an enormous lie, but if I have to lose that first officer, I want
to know why."
   "It's none of your business," replied Spook matter-of-factly. "It is a
thing that no alien scumbag may know, except those few who were involved in
writing this episode. It is a deeply personal thing, and even Bulkans don't
go around shouting about it, if you get my drift."
   "Would it help if I promised you that this conversation would remain
strictly confidential?"
   Spook shook his head emphatically.
   "Would it help if I slipped you a fiver?"
   Spook nodded his head emphatically.
   After the money had changed hands, Spook got up and slowly walked over
to the door with a pained look on his face. Smirk thought he might be about
to make a run for it, and started fingering one of his phasers.
   "It has to do with...biology," Spook managed at last.
   "What?" asked Smirk stupidly.
   "Biology, Captain."
   "What kind of biology?"
   "Bulkan biology."
   "You mean, the biology of Bulkans?"
   Spook rolled his eyes in disdain. "Of course I mean the biology of
Bulkans. Sheez! I swear that of all the people who have ever appeared on
this show, you've spoken the most utterly repetitious and dumb lines."
   "Well, I can't say much for your personality or style, either," returned
Smirk huffily. "Now can we get back on the subject?'
   "What subject?"
   "Bulkan biology!"
   "Oh, yes. What did you want to know?"
   "What does it have to do with you?"
   "Did you ever wonder how Bulkans scored on a date?"
   Smirk recoiled in surprise. "Well, I guess I had assumed that they did
it quite logically."
   "Nope," replied Spook. "Not at all. What they do, see, is they go seven
years without so much as holding hands, and then they go totally nuts and
do it all, if you know what I mean."
   "Oh, sure," said Smirk. He definitely knew what Spook meant. Suddenly a
light (2-watt) came on in the back of his mind. "Don't tell me that this is
happening to you now!"
   "Okay, I won't. I was the one who didn't want to tell anyone anything,
if you'll recall."
   "Oh, good gracious me," said Smirk, clapping his hands to his face. "So
that's why you have to get to Bulkan right away or die."
   "Yes," said Spook. "The woman I have must be Bulkan. Furthermore, one
was all picked out by her parents and mine when we were seven."
   "That's barbaric!" snapped Smirk.
   "It's easy," Spook shrugged.
   "I've heard of primitive tribal cultures having arranged marriages, and
salmons swimming upstream to spawn," ranted Smirk, "but for a supposedly
intelligent race to do such a thing is unthinkable."
   "Thank you so much for straightening us out, Captain," sneered Spook
acidly. "We could never have done it without your help."
   "Now listen, you crazy stubborn Bulkan!" yelled Smirk. "You've gotten
along just fine without a wife for however many years you are old (and I
have a feeling that's plenty), and you can get along without one for
another week or two, and that's final!" Smirk stormed out the door, leaving
a surprised Spook behind him.

   A few moments later, Smirk entered sickbay and found McDecoy messing
around with his bone collection. Nurse Chapped was sitting at a small desk
in an adjoining room filling out some tedious paperwork in triplicate.
   "Groans, I need your advice," Smirk whined.
   "Did Spook tell you what was wrong with him?" asked the doctor.
   "Yes, and it turned out to be something pretty serious, something that I
can understand the urgency of. After all, I haven't had any myself all
season."
   "Any what?" asked McDecoy, puzzled.
   "Never mind. I just need to know whether or not I should risk everything
to take Spook to Bulkan in time to save his life."
   "Jim, he's already saved your life more times than there ever will be
episodes. I am, as I keep reminding everybody, just a simple country
doctor, and I really can't make such decisions for you. But I'm sure you'll
come up with the right one."
   Smirk inhaled deeply, set his jaw firmly, and swaggered over to the
sickbay intercom unit. "Mr. Checkup," he said after activating it. "Set
course for Bulkan. Warp Eight."
   "Attaboy, Jim," mumbled McDecoy.
   "Um, excuse me, sair," said Checkup over the intercom, "but do you
really mean it this time?"
   "Of course I mean it!" roared Smirk. "Our beloved first officer's life
is in danger! Do you know how much money we would lose in action figure
sales alone if he were killed off so early in the series?"
   "Aye, Keptin! Course plotted, set, calculated, computed, laid in, and
all that other jazz. We'll be there before you know it."
   "All right, Mr. Checkup. Smirk out."
   Nurse Chapped, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation, emitted
a delighted squeal and rushed out of sickbay, leaving McDecoy to wonder if
the whole crew had flipped.

   When she entered Spook's quarters, she was startled to see that the
place had been turned upside down. Reports, memos, small statues, ancient
ceremonial weapons, and pottery shards were scattered all over the floor.
   She walked in a little further, and suddenly heard the sound of heavy
breathing coming from behind her. Whirling, she saw Spook lock the door and
start to creep toward her.
   "I had the strangest dream," panted the pointy-eared alien. "In it, you
and I were...friends. Would you like to be...friends, Miss Chapped?"
   "Please, call me Pristine," she stuttered.
   "Okay, Pristine," he slobbered. "C'mere, now. Don't be shy."
   "Mr. Spook! I just came by to tell you that we have changed course yet
again. We're going to Bulkan after all."
   "Oh?" he asked, straightening up and regaining some of his composure. "I
see. Well, in that case, never mind. I guess I won't be needing your...ah,
services, after all."
   As she was about to leave, he said, "Would you mind making me some more
of that plumpbeak soup? I want to try throwing it at the wall this time.
See what kind of pretty design it makes."
   "Oh, Mr. Spook," she blubbered in relief. "I would be happy to."

   Two hours later, Smirk, Spook, and McDecoy got a call telling them that
the Ennui was approaching Bulkan. They arrived at the zoomtube at the same
time, and (after waiting several minutes for some idiots who were having a
stop-lift talk) got in together.
   "Bridge," Smirk told the wall.
   "Well, Spook," said McDecoy. "We're almost there. Feeling any better?"
   "Yes, quite, Doctor, but it shall not last. The gon tufar will
eventually strip all sanity from me, and force me to run around in circles
drooling like an idiot until I'm officially married. You would no doubt
find such behavior quite familiar."
   "Yes, I'm sure we would," laughed Smirk. "But you've been most patient
with our forms of nuttiness."
   "Then wouldja like to come along and watch? Huh? Pretty please?"
   "You bet!" Smirk agreed readily.
   "I'm coming, too," said McDecoy. "After all these years of your
lecturing me on logic and calling me an irrational human, I wouldn't miss
this turnabout for anything in the universe."
   "Oh, all right, Doctor," Spook sighed. "I suppose you might actually be
useful. After all, things simply can't go the way they're planned. These
ancient ceremonies are just too boring!"
   The doors swooshed open, and the triumvirate stepped out onto the
bridge. All the other stars of the show had already assembled there to
watch the spectacle.
   "I'm getting an audio transmission from the surface," said Boohoora a
moment later.
   "Put it on," ordered Smirk.
   "Planet Bulkan to USS Ennui," said a typically Bulkan voice over the
squawkbox. "Welcome. Is Commander Spook with you?"
   "No, we dropped him off on Wrigley's Spearmint Planet," joked Smirk.
   "I am Spook," said the owner of that name, stepping forward and elbowing
Smirk in the ribs.
   "One moment, please," the Bulkan voice said.
   The bridge's forward viewscreen flickered and wavered and threatened to
short out, but a swift kick from Spook brought it into focus.
   Everyone else on the bridge gasped. On the screen was the image of the
head of a Bulkan female floating against a blank red background. "Oh,
great," Smirk mumbled under his breath. "One of Appallo's kin, no doubt."
   "Spook," she said. "You ran away from me, yet you never ran. You always
touch me, and yet you never touch me. How in the world do you do that?"
   "It's all in the wrist," quipped Spook. "Anyway, I'm back."
   "Of course you're back, you lousy Bulkan," the woman snapped. "The gon
tufar forced you back. I know you wouldn't have come if it weren't for
that."
   "S'way it goes," said Spook indifferently.
   Behind him, Boohoora sighed dreamily. "She's beautiful, Mr. Spook. Who
is she?"
   "She is T'Pringle, my wife," Spook uttered dramatically. Everyone
gasped. The background music hit a high note. A child screamed in the
distance.
   "Well, I suppose you'll have to do," said T'Pringle with some annoyance.
"After all, it's all been arranged ahead of time. It's not like I have any
choice in the matter. You'll be coming down to the place of marriage soon?"
   "As soon as you hang up," said Spook. The viewscreen went immediately
dark. "Well, gentlemen?" he said to Smirk and McDecoy. "Shall we be going?"

   Moments later, the all-star trio materialized on the hot and arid
surface of the planet Bulkan. Looking around, Smirk saw they had beamed
into the middle of a large clearing that more than slightly resembled
Stonehenge, with its massive stone monoliths spaced evenly around it. "Sure
doesn't look much like a church," he thought.
   The sequel to these thoughts were noisily disrupted by an enraged chief
medical officer. "Yeow!" he screamed, hopping up and down and fanning his
smoking feet with his hands. "Did you have to beam me down into the middle
of a fiery pit of lava?" His disposition was not improved when he bashed
his head against a large metal gong that was hanging over the pit.
   "That's for being so nosy about my personal affairs, Doctor," Spook said
triumphantly. "Hush! The wedding party approaches."
   Far off in the distance, Smirk could hear the sound of cow bells.
"Exactly what kind of wedding ceremony are we in for?" he asked Spook,
glancing nervously at the fire pit that had so scorched his ship's
surgeon's feet.
   "It is called the Kanyu Kill-A-Me ritual. Now, if you'll pardon me, I
have more important things to do than to just stand around talking to you
two clowns." He walked off toward the sounds of the approaching marriage
party.
   "He called it a `Kenya Koo-Koo' what?" asked McDecoy in total
bewilderment.
   "Kanyu Kill-A-Me," Smirk explained. "It means `place of marriage and
staged fights'. Bulkans used to kick butt for their mates, y'know."
   "If you knew all that, why did you ask?" McDecoy demanded irritably.
   "For the viewers, Doctor, for the viewers."
   "Besides, he said T'Pringle was already his wife. If so, what's all this
`wedding ceremony' stuff?"
   "I heard that!" yelled Spook from across the clearing. It seemed the
doctor had underestimated the power of Bulkan ears yet again. "We're not
really married yet. I just said that she was my wife earlier for dramatic
effect."
   By this time, the procession had reached the entrance and was filing
into the clearing. First were two Bulkan men in long metal masks who were
carrying and periodically shaking what looked like giant abacuses refitted
with cow bells.
   Following these ominous entities was an old woman in a hi-chair which
was being carried by two extra-bulky Bulkans.
   Smirk gasped. "Do you know who that is, Groans?" When the doctor replied
in the negative, Smirk said, "That's T'Pow! The only person ever to turn
down a date with a Conglomeration Council member. All of Bulkan in one
(slightly wrinkled) package! Spook didn't tell us our show was that
important."
   As T'Pow's seat was lowered to the ground, the rest of the group came
strolling in. They consisted of several men who were obviously guards, one
man who looked like an executioner, another who looked like his ears had
originally been designed for a Martian elephant, the woman from the Ennui's
viewscreen, and a well-equipped camera crew.
   "I wonder where Spook's parents are," McDecoy whispered to Smirk. "I
doubt any of these people are them."
   "Maybe T'Pow is his great-grandmother," Smirk guessed.
   His guess was apparently confirmed when Spook bowed low in front of
T'Pow, and she swatted him on the backside and said, "Spoooook, you naughty
boy! What have you been up to?"
   "T'Pow," Spook breathed with difficulty. "I have come, as I have
promised, to the place of marriage."
   "'Bout time," the woman said stiffly. Turning her head slightly, she saw
McDecoy and Smirk standing nearby and gawking. "Are our main events for
alien scumbags?" she asked Spook icily.
   Standing up, Spook said, "They are not alien, T'Pow. They are my
friends."
   "Ex-friends!" yelled McDecoy, angrily shaking his fist at Spook's
implied insult.
   "Approach me!" T'Pow snapped. Smirk and McDecoy stumbled slowly over to
her. "Kneel!" she ordered. Smirk and McDecoy knelt. "Oh, how I love power!"
she gloated rather un-Bulkanly. "You may stand up now."
   "Excuse me, ma'am," said Smirk with uncharacteristic timidness. "But
what happens now?"
   "Now," she said, "Spoooook will try and make us laugh, using an ancient
Bulkan joke of his own choosing. If he fails, he will be gonged, and will
have to go through trial by combat before the marriage ceremony can begin."
   Spook walked to the front of the clearing and held up his hands for
silence. "A funny thing happened to me on the way to the place of marriage
today," he began. "I -"
   Gong! Gong! Gong!
   Spook whirled angrily around to see who it was that had dared to gong
him, and found his future wife standing there with the hammer in her hand
and a haughty smirk on her face. She dropped the hammer on his foot and
walked back to where she had been standing before.
   "Hey, what happened?" asked Smirk in confusion.
   "She has chosen the challenge," said T'Pow. "She now has until the 
buzzer sounds to decide who will be her champion."
   "I tell y'all what, Jimbo," McDecoy muttered into his ear. "This doesn't
sound like a weddin' anymore so much as a dadblasted game show!"
   Overhearing this, the executioner swung his axe hard at McDecoy's head.
"Yowp!" yelled the doctor, ducking just in time. He ran frantically around
the circular clearing, the axeman running after him and swinging wildly.
   "I will forgive such a display only once," threatened T'Pow.
   "You call that forgiveness?" snapped Smirk, whipping out his phaser and
aiming it at the Bulkan axeman.
   "Kroaker!" shouted T'Pow at the top of her lungs. Everyone froze in
place instantly. She shook her staff menacingly. "I will have order in my
court!"
   Panting, McDecoy stumbled back to Smirk's side and gasped, "I think
maybe we'd better be going, Jim-o. This place is getting really dangerous."
   "Hmph! Some friends Spoooook chose," snorted T'Pow derisively. "Running
away like cow turds at the first sign of trouble."
   "We'll stay!" proclaimed Smirk proudly, giving McDecoy a look that said
he'd better agree if he didn't want to suffer the same fate that Drs.
O'Boisey and Pooper had.
   "You said T'Pringle had to choose a champion," Smirk said to T'Pow,
trying to change the subject. "Who could she choose?"
   "Why, any man here," T'Pow replied. "Any man at all." She leaned forward
and gave Smirk a significant look.
   "Hey, where is Spook going?" asked McDecoy, suddenly noticing that the
Bulkan was walking across the clearing with his eyes staring at the inside
of his head and his hands rubbing each maniacally.
   "Do not approach him," warned T'Pow, as if that was what they were
trying to do. "He is deep in the blak towl, the blood fever. He will not
awaken until he kills someone dead."
   "Yikes!" yelped McDecoy, sprinting hastily in the other direction.
   Before Smirk could chase after him, a loud buzzer sounded. "All right,"
T'Pow said to T'Pringle. "Time's up. The price is right. Big money. Now who
do you choose to be your champion? And do remember to phrase your answer in
the form of dumb poetry."
   "As it was in the dawn of our days," T'Pringle chanted as she walked
around all the Bulkan men who eagerly jumped into her way. "As it is today.
So are the days of our lives. I choose -" She shoved her way past the
Bulkan with the elephant ears and walked up to Smirk. "This one!"
   Smirk, who had been casually slouching around, straightened up in a
hurry. "Now, wait a minute, here!"
   "Is that legal?" asked McDecoy incredulously.
   "I was to be the one!" protested half of the men present.
   "Kroaker!" T'Pow yelled again. "Order in the court!" She hit Smirk on
the head with her staff. "The choice has been made. But since you are an
alien scumbag, and defile our ritual with your very presence, you are free
to go (like a cow turd), free to run away (like a beaten dog with his tail
tucked between his legs), free to -"
   "All right!" snapped Smirk. "I accept the challenge already!"
   "Jim!" McDecoy gasped. "What do you think you're doing? Don't you know
you could get yourself killed?"
   "Relax, Groans. I'll just go a few rounds with him." He started making
boxing gestures. "After I've made a good show of it, I'll take a fall,
Spook will win and get the girl, and everybody's happy."
   "Are you kidding? Jim, look at him!" McDecoy pointed over at Spook, who
was now snarling, drooling, and thrashing around on the ground. "He'll tear
you apart!"
   While they were talking, T'Pow had gotten up and walked over to the fire
pit, and the other Bulkans had begun a strange and sinister dance around
her. "Ring around the rosy," one of them warbled. "Pocket full of posy.
Ashes! Ashes! Dey aw faw down!" The camera tilted at several crazy angles
as the Bulkans writhed on the ground and the fire pit spit hot lava high
into the air.
   After several repetitions of this, the cow bells jingled one last time,
and everyone calmly got up, dusted themselves off, and resumed their former
positions. T'Pow walked back to her seat and said to Smirk, "It is done.
You will decide now."
   "But I already -"
   "Think carefully on your answer, Smirk. You could win any of these
fabulous prizes: a new 2000SUX shuttlecraft, a million Bulknotes in cash,
or a trip for two to beautiful Mount Slay'ya. So what do you say?"
   "Yes!" said Smirk impatiently. "I say, yes!"
   An evil grin formed on the old woman's face. "So be it! You will fight
Spoooook to the debt, and don't you try to get out of it, either."
   "What?" yelled Smirk. "Did you say to the death? But I thought -"
   T'Pow hit him on the head with her staff again. "Be silent. You are in
Final Jeopardy." To the congregation, she said, "Bring out the chirpa."
   Two attendants immediately ran forward with large cloth bundles, which
they dropped at the feet of Spook and Smirk. Spook rabidly grabbed his and
tore the cloth off. The thing that was revealed was fearsome. It had a
sharp hooked beak of metal on one end, and several razor-sharp metal
feathers on the other end. In the center was a long feathered handgrip with
which the weapon was held and manipulated.
   "Uh, oh," said Smirk.
   "Egad," observed McDecoy.
   "Greeeowr!" uttered Spook, gnawing at the edge of his weapon.
   McDecoy was fumbling for his communicator. "I'm getting us out of here
right now!"
   Smirk was watching McDecoy with amusement as he looked for the
communicator he had unknowingly dropped earlier while being chased around
by the axeman, when suddenly Spook ran up and sliced the front of Smirk's
uniform open, exposing his bare and untattooed chest. He had always been
ashamed that his constantly sweaty skin couldn't "take" a good tattoo.
   "Why, you dirty Bulkan!" Smirk swore. He picked up his chirpa and
viciously parried Spook's next blow. McDecoy hurriedly got out of their
way.
   Running back over to where T'Pow was sitting, he asked, "Is this really
necessary?"
   "You bet your life," she replied. The doctor threw up his arms in
surrender and sat down to watch, wishing that he had thought to bring some
popcorn and soda along.
   In the arena, the two combatants lunged, jumped around, clanged weapons,
knocked each other on the ground, got back up, and repeated the whole
process. Aside from Smirk's initial embarrassment, no injuries were
incurred.
   "Krapheads!" T'Pow cried at last. "Didn't anyone ever teach you how to
fight? You, Smirk! I oughtta have you disqualified!"
   "I'm <gasp> doing the <pant> best I can," Smirk managed, sitting tiredly
on the ground while Spook carried on the battle with the gong. He managed
to break a large piece off of it before T'Pow yelled kroaker and ordered
the attendants to bring out the aw crap.
   "A seatbelt?" Smirk asked incredulously when this new weapon was thrust
into his hands. "How can anyone fight with a seatbelt?"
   "Hey, not fastening your seatbelt can kill you," T'Pow said. "Now get on
with the show. Time's running out."
   While Smirk was still hopelessly puzzled, Spook deftly swooshed his aw
crap around and snared Smirk's legs with it. "Aw, crap!" yelled Smirk,
hitting the ground heavily. "You are such a cheater, Spook!"
   He twisted out of the crazed Bulkan's grasp and slapped him sharply
upside the head with his weapon. "There. How d'ya like that?" Smirk's
triumph was shortlived, however, as Spook leaped at him and bore him down 
onto the edge of the fiery pit.
   He tried to force Smirk's head against the molten rock, but then
remembered how stiff-necked his captain was, and threw him against a nearby
stone instead. Smirk slumped to the ground, exhausted.
   "Is this Bulkan chiselry?" McDecoy demanded of T'Pow. "The captain's not
used to this climate or those silly weapons. It's not fair!"
   "Who said life was fair?" croaked T'Pow indifferently. "The air is the
air. What can you do about it?"
   McDecoy held up a hyperspray. "I can give him this."
   "What kind of pathetic weapon is that?" sneered T'Pow. "You couldn't
hurt me with that, and I'm a thousand years old."
   "You look it!" snapped McDecoy. "This isn't a weapon, it's a hyperspray
that contains a dummox compound that will allow Smirk to fake de...I mean,
breathe better. Heh."
   "Oh, okay," muttered T'Pow, signalling for combat to be temporarily
suspended. "But make it snappy. We have a production schedule to keep."
   McDecoy ran over to where Smirk was lying on the ground, shot him up
with the contents of the hyperspray, and then threw the empty syringe at
Spook to show his contempt. "You're gonna have to kill him, Jim."
   "Kill Spook?" gasped Smirk. "That's not what we came here for, is it?
Besides, who else could we get to wear those ridiculous earpieces seven
days a week for the rest of the year?"
   "Oh, that's okay," said McDecoy with little concern. "Things'll work out
anyway." Before Smirk could ask what he meant by that, he ran back out of
the arena, and T'Pow signalled for combat to resume.
   Spook immediately wrapped his aw crap around Smirk's throat and started
choking him. There was a sound like a balloon leaking air, and Smirk
collapsed on the ground, dead.
   "Get your filthy hands off of him!" yelled McDecoy to a suddenly-normal
and very surprised Spook. He ran over and waved his tricorder over Smirk's
body. "He's finished. Dead. Kaput. The Big Goodbye. Scramola. 23 Skiddoo."
   "I grieve with thee," said T'Pow, turning quickly away before anyone
could see the smile she was trying to suppress.
   "McDecoy to Ennui," said the doctor, after finding his communicator and
flipping it open. "The captain is dead. Long live the captain. McDecoy
out." He stood up and walked over to Spook. "Well, Spook, as %!*ed as it
may seem, you're in command now. What are your &*%ing orders?"
   "Beam yourself and the captain's body up to the ship," replied Spook,
back in his old cold and calculated demeanor. "I will follow you up after I
twist a few explanations out of my `wife' here. Oh, and have Commander
Scotch take command and lock me up nice and tight once I'm aboard, okey-
dokey?"
   "You bet!" growled McDecoy, stomping disgustedly away from the Bulkan.
   Spook walked over to T'Pringle. "Explain."
   "Please input parameters for explanation," T'Pringle replied in a
computer-like voice, with a few clicks and beeps.
   "Why the challenge?"
   Some printed output started coming out of her mouth. Spook ripped it off
and read what was written there. "What?! You prefer that stoned Stunn over
me? There's not one single solitary ounce of logic in that!"
   "Stunn wanted me, I wanted him. You have become quite a star, Spook. I
computed that I did not want to be married to a star. Besides, Stunn has
such big, sexy ears!"
   "And why did you choose my captain to combat me instead of Stunn?"
   "Because Stunn's a real wimp. I didn't want him risking those precious
ears in armed combat. I computed that if Smirk won, he wouldn't marry me
because it would ruin his opportunities for womanizing. I computed that if
you won, you would either not want me, in which case I would be free to
marry Stunn, or you would want me, but would be off on that starship of
yours, and Stunn would still be there."
   "Flawlessly idiotic," said Spook with genuine admiration.
   "I am honored," the Bulkan Jezebel replied.
   "Stunn," said Spook. "She is yours. After a time, you may find that
having is not so pleasing as wanting, especially when you wake up some fine
morning with her knife in your throat. It is not logical, but then we
Bulkans are only human, after all. Farewell."
   He walked over to T'Pow's hi-chair and knelt again.
   "Live long and prosper, Spoooook," she moaned, giving him the Bulkan
Robotic Salute.
   "I shall do neither," replied the guilty Bulkan. "For I have killed my
captain, and the future of this television series." He slowly got up and
walked away.
   "Spook to Ennui," he said after opening his communicator. "One to beam
up." He stood there stolidly until the transporter beam took him away.
   The moment he was gone, everyone in the clearing burst into wild peals
of laughter, and rolled on the ground in uncontrollable merriment.

   Back on the Ennui, in sickbay, Spook was demanding to be put in custody.
"What I have done is unforgivable," wailed the hammy Bulkan, throwing an
arm across his eyes. "I must be put to death! Almighty God, enough!
Enough!"
   Such were his pyrotechnics and oral gyrations that he didn't notice a
very alive Smirk sneak up behind him. "Gotcha!" yelled Smirk gleefully,
pulling Spook's ears.
   "Ow!" growled Spook, turning around. "You...Captain!" He grabbed Smirk
by the shoulders and twirled him around several times. "Captain Smirk!
You're alive!"
   Suddenly realizing that he was grinning like an idiot, Spook forced
himself to go antarctic in a second. "Captain," he said coolly. "I am
pleased that you are undead."
   "Oh, relax, Spook," laughed Smirk happily. "I'm not a vampire or zombie
or anything. McDecoy didn't raise me from the dead."
   "Then how -"
   "That was no dummox compound he shot me with. He slipped in a neural
polarizer. Knocked me right out."
   "Yes," said McDecoy. "The time required for the drug to take effect
increases with the subject's intelligence, so I knew it would kick right in
with the captain. T'Pow, of course, will never know what happened."
   "You're probably right," said Smirk. "This is at least the five
hundredth time this episode has been rerun, and she hasn't caught on yet."
   At this point, they were interrupted by the whistle of the intercom.
Smirk walked over and punched it in the nose. "Smirk here."
   "Captain," said Boohoora's voice, "I've just received a submarine-space
message from Starbeat Command giving in to T'Pow's rude demands that Spook
be immediately taken to Bulkan. They say we can start there any time now."
   "Thank you, Boohoora. Smirk out." Turning to the others, he said, "Well,
that's just like those paperclip pushers; giving me authorization to do
what must be done after the episode is almost entirely over."
   "Anyway, Spook," McDecoy said, no longer able to resist embarrassing the
Bulkan over his earlier emotionalism. "You're gonna hafta admit that when
you saw the captain alive, you were on the verge of giving an emotional
display that would have won you an Oscar."
   "Really, Doctor," Spook said frigidly, causing frostbite in several of
McDecoy's nearby patients. "I simply had the only logical reaction to a
circumstance which I, as an intelligent and well-educated being, perceived
to be clearly impossible yet eminently desirable, and -"
   "All right, all right!" snapped McDecoy. "I admit it. Your reaction was
most logical."
   "Thank you, Doctor. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe the captain and I
are needed on the bridge."
   "In an oinker's peeper," the doctor muttered when he thought they were
out of hearing range.
   They weren't.
   "Come on, Spook," Smirk said too loudly. "Let's go open a store."

                                   THE END