STAR SPECK

                    EPISODE 66: The Day Smirk Took a Dive

                              by Stanley Dunigan


   "How do you like that?" Smirk asked ruefully, gazing around at the
barren surface of the planetoid that he, McDecoy, Checkup, and a redshirt
had beamed down to. "We come here to investigate claims that the Klingtos
are infringing on our merchandising rights, and we find the place totally
deserted. What kind of sense does that make?"
   "Pairfect sense, when you conseeder what horrible, inhuman butchers the
Klingtos are!" Checkup wailed in righteous indignation. "Why, if any of
them were here right now, I'd rip 'em open! I'd tear 'em limb from limb!
I'd -"
   Suddenly, he noticed several Klingtos approaching at a run. He smiled
innocently at them, but they threw him on the ground and zapped him with a
souped-up hand buzzer.
   "Aaaagh! Can't you guys take a joke?" he wailed, thrashing about in
pain.
   "Hey, let him alone, willya?" Smirk asked, walking over to confront the
Klingtos' leader. "He's just a kid."
   "You scum!" the Klingto yelled, making a vicious swipe at Smirk.
Deciding he'd better play along, Smirk took a dive and pretended to be in
great pain.
   "Ha, ha!" the Klingto laughed. "I am Klang, you wimpy human, and you are
my captive! You will call your ship and tell them to beam us up right now,
or I'll kill the Russkie."
   "What?" Smirk screeched. "Captive? Ship? Kill? What are you talking
about?"
   "Oh, you humans are so dense," Klang groaned. "I'll make it simple for
you. You shootee my shipee; you killee my crewee; you diee. See?"
   "We didn't attack your old rustbucket!" Smirk yelled. "We didn't even
fire one torpedo! Maybe it was done by one of those cloak-n-fire models.
You never know when they're going to pop up."
   "I know you did it, so quit denying it," Klang asserted. "Sheesh! For
three years the Klingto Empire has been at peace with your Conglomeration.
Three years! And you had to go and ruin it."
   "Baloney!" Smirk scoffed. "We've had trouble with you bronzed bums every
single season since we started this darned show. Remember Koors? Remember
Koolsloth? Remember the Alamo?"
   "Enough!" Klang yelled. "Beam us up now, or I'll slow-roast you all to
perfection!"
   "Go talk to the devil," Smirk said, smiling insolently at him. "Maybe he
can give you a few barbecuing tips."
   "We have no devil, Smirk," Klang informed him, "despite that drooling
wreck shown in the Next Degeneration episode `Devil's Doo-doo'."
   "Oooh. Well, I guess I better cooperate," Smirk sighed, greatly
exaggerating his reluctance. "Smirk to Ennui," he said, flipping his
communicator open.
   "Spook here, Captain," a flat monotone droned in reply. "How's every
little thing down there?"
   "Fine, Spook, just fine," Smirk said. "Purely for the sake of review,
let's say, hypopathetically, that we had been captured by a bunch of ornery
Klingtos. What would be standard procedure in that case?"
   "I believe, Captain, that we all up here would set the transporter to
wide-awake beam and dematerialize you all down there," Spook replied. "Then
we would rematerialize you on the ship, leaving the Klingtos on the hard
disk to be deleted by the routine garbage-collection program. Am I
correct?"
   "You most certainly are, Mr. Spook," Smirk said. "Quite correct."
   "You wouldn't, by any chance, actually be captured by Klingtos at this
very moment, would you?" Spook asked off-handedly.
   "N-no, no, Spook," Smirk stuttered as Klang and all his men pointed
their weapons at his head. "Of course not. Don't be silly. How you carry
on!" He reached down and pressed the "Yes, we are too captured by Klingtos"
button on his communicator when nobody was looking.
   "Good gravy!" said Spook. "I'll implement the standard procedure at
once! Ennui out!"
   "Smirk!" Klang growled, shoving his gun into Smirk's left eye.
   "N-now relax," Smirk stuttered. "H-he just meant that he would beam us
all up and...and have the standard welcoming committee greet us. Yeah,
that's it."
   "Hmmmm," Klang said, still skeptical. "Well, okay, Smirk. But once we're
aboard, no tricks."
   "Of course not," Smirk said, grinning widely. "When have I ever tricked
a Klingto before?"
   Before Klang could finish reading off his long list of prior trickery,
everyone vanished in the Ennui's transporter beam.
   As soon as they were gone, a small glowing blob of energy floated out
from behind a rock, moved to the exact spot where they had been standing,
and vanished as well.
   Of course, we don't ask silly questions like "Why did it have to beam up
with the landing party?" and "Why didn't it appear in the transporter room
when they did?" and "If it has to beam around, how did it damage that
Klingto ship that's way out there?" and so on.

   "All right, Scotchy!" Smirk said enthusiastically after he
rematerialized on the Ennui and saw that the Klingtos hadn't. "Good work."
   "But where are the Klingtos?" Checkup wanted to know.
   "Klingtos?" Scotchy asked nervously. "There were Klingtos down there
with you?"
   "Of course!" Smirk snapped. "How can you not know that? Didn't you use
the sensors to find out who you were beaming up? Come to think of it, why
weren't the sensors used to detect the fact that they had beamed down?"
   "Sensors, sir?" Scotchy blinked, clearly astonished at such a concept.
   "Oh, get out of the way!" Smirk snapped, pushing his way over to the
transporter controls. "Ah, there those dirty birds are. Right in there
where we want them. You!" He pointed at the redshirted goon who had
accompanied them to the planet. "Go round up a posse. We're gonna have us a
hangin'."
   "Hokay," the man said dumbly, loping out the door.
   Smirk and Scotch played a leisurely hand of "Light-Yearre Bornes" while
waiting for the goon to return with the security men. When he did, they
returned to the transporter console.
   "Energize," Smirk said. Scotchy pulled the levers, and the Klingtos
appeared on the pads upside-down.
   "Ha, ha," Smirk laughed. "That's a good one, Mr. Scotch, but watch
this!" 
   He reached over and shoved each of the three levers in a different
direction. The Klingtos partially dematerialized, switched heads, and
rematerialized with their uniforms inside-out and their boots on backwards.
   "Ta da!" Smirk said victoriously. Scotchy sighed and handed him the
coveted Transporter Twiddling Trophy, and then beamed the Klingtos back
into their original forms.
   "Disarm them!" Smirk ordered the waiting security detachment.
   The pack of goons obediently ran forward, but tripped and fell, their
phasers skittering off into dark corners of the room. Seeing this, the
Klingtos laughed themselves into unconsciousness, and were dragged off by
the embarrassed security team.
   "Scotchy," Smirk said over his shoulder as he left the room with Checkup
and McDecoy, "beam over all the survivors on that Klingto shipwreck and
have them incarcerated (if not incinerated) with the others, then blow that
thing to kingdom come."
   "Aye, aye, sir!" Scotchy said happily, glad at his first chance in two
seasons to destroy rather than just humiliate a Klingto ship.
   When Smirk strode out into the corridor, he was too busy ranting and
raving at his companions to notice a blob of glowing energy duck back into
a side corridor. When they entered a zoomtube and headed for the bridge,
the energetic entity cautiously made its way along the corridor and climbed
down a nearby ladder. (Oh, brother.)

   Smirk's hopes at catching a quick nap once on the bridge were smashed to
smithereens the moment he exited the zoomtube.
   "Dang it!" Boohoora growled, throwing her hearing aid to the floor in
exasperation. "This thing doesn't work anymore!"
   "Course controls locked!" Drulu proclaimed, banging on his instruments
wildly.
   The ship rocked violently back and forth.
   "An alien wessel is attacking, sair!" Checkup automatically shrieked,
running for his station.
   "Negative, Ensign," Spook droned from his science station. "Our own
`wessel' has been commandeered by force or forces unknown."
   "Och nochin' cradockin'!" Scotchy's voice burred over the intercom. "We
gaen all crazy doon hyah!"
   "I'm getting reports that 392 of our crewmen are trapped in the lower
levels!" Boohoora exclaimed.
   "Wessel! Wessel! Wessel!" Checkup wailed.
   "Please, guys," Smirk moaned, holding his hands up in a futile warding-
off gesture. "I haven't even made it to my chair yet."

   After everything was sorted out and it had been determined that the
Ennui was hurtling toward the galactic reefs at warp 9.999 and there was
nothing anyone could do about it, Smirk decided to go down to the crew
lounge (where the stupid security goons had taken the prisoners) and reveal
all this to Klang so he would know that this was the perfect time for him
to try to take over the ship.
   "Very interesting," Klang said, grinning wickedly, "but we can't attack
you without weapons. You do have your fizzers, or whatever you call them,
after all."
   Right on cue, the phasers (and most everything else in the room)
transformed magically into swords.
   "Unbelievable!" Smirk gasped in astonishment. "I mean, I have you now,
Klang!"
   "Sez who?" Klang sneered, lunging at Smirk and knocking his sword out of
his hand. Smirk hastily grabbed a pen that hadn't been transformed and
waved it in Klang's face.
   "The pen is mightier than the sword, you know," Smirk said as he and his
two-goon escort backed quickly out of the room.
   A few moments later, the confused Klingtos finally realized that Smirk
had pulled a fast one, and gave hot pursuit.
   "Stand and fight like an idiot!" one of them growled at Smirk as he
retreated backwards toward the zoomtube. "We always do."
   "Grrr!" said Gullibull, one of the redshirted goons. He slashed up two
Klingtos, but was then mortally wounded by a light tap from a third
Klingto's weapon.
   Dragging Gullibull's bleeding body with them, Smirk and the other goon
hastily jogged backward into the zoomtube, slamming the doors on the head
of the closest pursuer.
   "Scotchy!" Smirk immediately yelled into the tube's intercom. "Those
dirty Klingtos are free and armed as we are: lousy! I want you to post a
very heavy guard in engineering and round up all the phasers you can.
Surely they haven't all been transformed into swords."
   "'Fraid so, Coptain," Scotchy said. "Ah'm in the armory now, and it
looks just like a sword shop. Prices have been slashed, if ya know whot Ah
mean."
   "Cut out the jokes, Scotchy," Smirk said. "Ha! Cut! I made a funny.
Anyway, do you think you could build phasers from the equipment you've
got?"
   "From swords? Ah hardly think so, Coptain. I dinna noo hoo to do it.
Besides, Ah just found me a good claymore."
   "Well, mold your clay into a phaser and free those trapped crewmen.
Smirk out." As he turned away from the intercom, he noticed that the
zoomtube had reached the bridge, the doors were open, and everyone was
staring at him.
   "Ahem," he said, walking onto the bridge. "Mr. Spook. What do you make
of this situation?"
   "The instantaneous transmutation of matter," Spook said, practicing his
sword thrusts on a talking crash dummy. "It's beyond our technology, and
the Klingtos' as well. I don't even think Mr. Wizard could manage it."
   "How about the little-bit-slower transmutation of matter?" Smirk asked.
"Can we do that? Maybe turn swords back into phasers eventually?"
   "Sorry, Captain," Spook said. "My sensors show that there is one more
guest star on this ship than can be accounted for by the Klingtos. That
means we must hunt him, her, or it down and ask him, her, or it to kindly
get the heck, hell, or blazes off our ship."
   "Good idea, Spook," Smirk said, heading back for the zoomtube. "Let's
go."
   "Me too, Keptin!" Checkup snarled with rage, leaping up from his post
and grabbing his sword. "I'll keel those filthy murderers for what they did
to Peewee, or Pooter, or whatever."
   "Now, Checkup," Smirk said soothingly.
   "No, Keptin, I weel not let you stop me!" the crazed ensign screamed,
running into the zoomtube before anyone could collect their wits.
   "Well, that was certainly fascinating," Spook said with a sneer.
   "Who in the world was he talking about?" Drulu asked, puzzled.
   "Who knows?" Smirk shrugged. "Everyone seems to be going nuts around
here. You'd better get down to engineering and see what's happening. I
don't trust Scotchy to keep the place secure. Remember how easily Somad,
Krylots, and Loony Maverick infiltrated and sabotaged the place."
   "Aye, sir," Drulu said, entering the zoomtube.
   Moments later, McDecoy rushed onto the bridge and started raving. "Why,
I've never seen the like! Why, I've never heard of such a thing! I never
thought I'd see the day!" His face remained calm and expressionless, but he
ranted loudly on.
   "Groans!" Smirk interrupted him. "What's the problem?"
   "You should see the place! It's a mess!" McDecoy snapped, doubtlessly
referring to his sickbay. "Bodies all over the place! Men dying! It's
horrible!"
   "Then what in the world are you doing up here raving at us instead of
being down there helping those injured men?" Smirk remonstrated.
   "Uh, er, I..." McDecoy stuttered. "Well, I would certainly hope so!" he
said emphatically, turning and striding back to the zoomtube.
   "Spook," Smirk said pleadingly. "What is going on here?"
   Hastily putting out his cigarette, Spook replied, "I now have no doubts
whatsoever that this unknown being that's registering on my sensors is
responsible for all that is happening here today. I will attempt to locate
it."
   "Try looking in the director's chair," Smirk mumbled.

   Down in engineering, Scotchy was proudly strutting back and forth with
his sword held high, congratulating himself on preventing any enemy
attacks, when the place was suddenly swarming with Klingtos.
   "Pond scum of Loch Ness!" the Scotchman shrieked, frantically slashing
his way to the door. Drulu and a redshirted goon followed him out, as did
two Klingtos.
   Scotchy whacked one of the bronzed beasts on the head with his heavy
sword, and the security man rendered the other attacker unconscious by
rapping his funny bone soundly.
   "Love that Klingto anatomy!" Scotchy said, surveying the carnage.
"They've got engineerin' now fer sure. We'd better split up. I'll head for
the bridge and create a scene. You two see if you can find a secret passage
or somethin' that leads down to those mysterious `lower levels' where all
our other men are trapped. Ready? Set? Go!"
   They all hurried off in separate directions, Drulu and the goon hoping
to find a nice comfortable spot to hide in until the episode was over.

   Smirk was naturally curious as to what had happened in engineering when
Scotchy barged onto the bridge yelling incoherently and waving a large,
fancy sword around. Klang politely satisfied that curiosity by using the
ship's public access intercom.
   "Smirk!" he growled with great glee. "I have engineering now, and how
sweet it is! I have deprived all areas of life support save your own. Ha,
ha, ha!"
   "Say, thanks! You're a real pal," Smirk said before he could stop
himself.
   As Spook glared angrily at Smirk's slip of the tongue, the sounds of
someone loudly swearing and banging on equipment came over the intercom.
   "Now," Klang said, panting. "I have deprived all areas of life support
save our own. Whew! Are you trying to sabotage us or something, you stupid
woman?" Smirk shut off the intercom as Klang yelled at his wife.
   "Do you think he's serious about that?" Smirk asked Spook worriedly.
   The entire bridge went dark.
   "I believe so, yes," Spook said dryly. Smirk tossed a bucket of water on
him and went over to calm Scotchy down.
   "They're in engineerin'," the crazed Scotchman yelled frantically. "I
canna dinna ken hoo they got there an' gaen Glocca Morra an' razzin' on the
jim-jam, frippin' on the krotz!"
   "What?" Smirk asked, unable even after three years of diligent study to
understand Scotchy's constantly changing and ever-evolving accent.
   "I believe, Captain," Spook said with a snarl, "that your incompetent
engineer was saying that he fumbled the ball again."
   "Why, ye green-blooded zombie! Ye pointy-eared devil's drone!" Scotchy
screamed in fury, slashing his sword around and doing great damage to the
bridge's drapes. "Freak out, transfer!"
   Smirk interposed himself between his brawling officers just as Spook
took a wild swing at Scotchy with his fist.
   "Now stop that," Smirk moaned from a new niche in the wall. He slowly
crawled out, rubbing his sore jaw. "Is that any way for stars of the
silliest science fiction TV show ever to behave?"
   "Yes!" Spook and Scotch chorused.
   "Why, I'll annihilate ya!" Smirk snarled, swinging his fists left and
right. "Da noive! I'll tear youse limb from limb! I'll..." He suddenly
recoiled halfway across stage.
   "Look at me," he mumbled, wild-eyed. "Look at me!" He stuck his face up
against the camera and shone a flashlight on it.
   "If you'll stop making faces at the audience, we will look at you,"
Spook told him. "However, I don't think that will be productive in our
search for the extraterrestrial whatsis."
   "Right you are, Spook," Smirk said, straightening his uniform and making
a conscious effort to remain calm and collected. "To the zoomtubes,
everyone."
   "If you'll recall, Captain, Klang shut off all power to the bridge,"
Spook reminded him after he had mashed his nose up against the closed
zoomtube doors. "You remember. Like Khan did two seasons ago."
   "Yeah, I remember, Spook," Smirk said. "But didn't we go into our
gasping-for-breath-and-then-dramatically-passing-out routine right
afterwards?"
   "Um, yeah, I guess we did," Spook said, furrowing his brow (no mean
feat). "I wonder what happened this time."
   "I don't know," Smirk said. "I'd better check with Drulu. Scotchy said
he was trying to find a way to restore power, free the trapped crewmen, or
build a better mouse trap. I'm not sure which."
   "Not bad, Captain," Scotchy said with a grin. "Ye're gettin' better at
unnerstandin' me, right enou'."
   "Smirk to Drulu," Smirk said, hitting the intercom. "Report."
   "I found a right nice hidey-hole in this tunnel-like area," Drulu
yawned. "I'd appreciate it real fine if you'd let me get back to sleep,
Captain."
   "I want you to restore main power to the bridge, you lazy $^#!" Smirk
snapped.
   Suddenly, all the bridge lights, panels, and consoles came back on full-
force. Everybody stared at the ceiling in confused wonder as if it had
somehow caused all of this.
   "Good work, Drulu!" Smirk shouted excitedly.
   "Thank you, Captain," Drulu yawned, not bothering to mention that he had
done absolutely nothing. "Good night."
   "Good n- oh!" Smirk smacked the intercom again, and stomped over to
Spook's science station. "Now that the power's back on, that thing should
have some answers for us by now."
   "It does, Captain," Spook said, sending a text dump to his dot matrix
printer. "Oh, look. The creature we seek is hovering in plain sight in the
same corridor that Checkup is trying to rape Marr in. Shall we go,
gentlemen?"
   "Yes, yes. Of course," Smirk said, leading the way to the zoomtube.

   In that recently-mentioned corridor, Marr and a Klingto security guard
were walking toward the auxiliary trouble-making room.
   "Do this! Do that!" Marr growled to herself. "Go here! Go there! I
swear, someday!" She swung her fist menacingly. "Pow! Right to the moon!"
   The Klingto goon had his fingers in his ears so he wouldn't hear Marr
griping, and therefore didn't hear Checkup sneaking up behind them, either.
   Killing the dumb goon dead with a whack to the back, Checkup cornered
Marr and threatened her with his sword.
   "Oooh, my! Aren't we the pretty ones?" he breathed perversely.
   "No, `we' are not!" the alien-mascara woman snorted indignantly.
   "I'll cut out your tongue for talking to me like that!" Checkup screamed
in fury.
   "T-that's okay," Marr said nervously. "I won't talk any more until the
end of the episode, anyway. Lip-zip, see?" She made the age-old gesture.
   Just as Checkup was moving in, Smirk ran up and punched him out.
   "Nice going, Captain," Spook sighed. "Now Russia will be mad at the
United States because of that, and will carry on a cold war for the next
twenty years."
   "Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating, Spook," Smirk said confidently.
"Anyway, where's that alien villain you promised me?"
   "Right there," Spook said, pointing at the offensive energy blob, which
was hovering near the ceiling in a nearby corner.
   Smirk walked up to it and went into his "utterly flabbergasted" routine.
He grabbed Marr and shook her around.
   "Do you see it?" he screeched. "Look at it! It's there! That's it! It's
the one! Right there! See?"
   Marr just slumped against the wall, her head hanging limply.
   Before Smirk could launch another tirade, a redshirted goon stomped up
to him and loudly announced himself fit for duty.
   "Crewman Jerkson!" Smirk said with surprise. "Weren't you decapitated,
keelhauled, burned at the stake, and disemboweled just an hour ago?"
   "Yes, sir, and may I say I've never felt better!" Jerkson swished his
sword around grandly and trotted off toward engineering. Smirk sighed and
signalled to Spook to nerve-pinch the guy, which he did.
   "We ain't gettin' no place fast," Smirk complained.
   "Oh, yes, we are!" Spook said excitedly. "Didn't you notice the alien
entity during the time that Crewman Jerkson was strutting angrily about? It
turned a real pretty shade of red."
   "That's it, then!" Smirk raved. "It eats bad vibes and similar acting
like children eat candy! Have we ever encountered anything like this
before?"
   "Creatures that subsist on negative emotions?" Spook asked. "Sure.
Women."
   "Oh, right," Smirk said. "So how do you suggest we get rid of this here
evil thing?"
   "We could tell it there's a big sale on Arizona blob-style jeans at
Penney's," Spook suggested.
   "I've got a better idea," Smirk said. "Come on back to the bridge with
me."

   "Klang!" Smirk yelled into the intercom on the left arm of his captain's
chair. "We have Marr! Surrender yourself and your men to me at once, or
I'll turn on the ol' Smirk charm and woo her away from you."
   "Well, woo, woo, woo," Klang sneered contemptuously. "If she's the sort
of woman who could ever fall for a pathetic human like you, I don't want
her anymore."
   "Klang!" Marr wailed. "I would never -"
   "Shaddap!" Smirk yelled, backhanding her across the bridge. "The
Conglomeration doesn't kill or mistreat its prisoners. Ya get me?"
   "Y-yeah, sure," she stuttered. "Whatever you say."
   "We've got to find a way to get to Klang," Smirk muttered, pacing the
room. "We've simply got to! I have to talk some sense into his thick
Klingto skull before..."
   Suddenly his face brightened maniacally. "Ha, ha! I've got it, Spook,
I've got it! Intraship beaming! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Ahhhh ha ha ha!"
   After he had managed to calm the mad genius down somewhat, Spook
proceeded to point out all the difficulties involved. "Intraship beaming
has never been done before. Pinpoint accuracy is required. The person or
persons transported might materialize inside a bulkhead, or -"
   "Oh, baloney!" Smirk snapped impatiently. "Pinpoint accuracy is always
required, no matter where you're beaming to. The possibility of
materializing inside a solid object always exists, especially when the
transporter operator has had too much to drink." He gave Scotchy a
significant glare.
   "Don't worry, Captain," Spook said reassuringly. "I'll operate the
transporter by remote control from here on the bridge. That way you'll be
sure of getting to your destination in one piece. By the way, what is your
destination?"
   "Engineering!" Smirk proclaimed. "I'm gonna teach that dirty Klang a
lesson if it's the last thing I ever do."
   "It will be," Marr sneered at him. "Look at you, you overweight goon.
Klang will tear you apart with his bare hands and teeth. We Klingtos are
born and bred to fight. After all, we come from a poor neighborhood, and
there isn't much else to do there."
   "Well, if that's the case, I'm sure I could divert some Conglomeration
Emergency Disaster Relief supplies there. Maybe get you some federal aid.
So how's about it? Come with me to see Klang?"
   "Oh, all right, but you'd better be on the level about that aid."
   "Would I lie to a Klingto?" Smirk asked, spreading his arms wide and
gazing up at the ceiling.
   Marr just stood there and glared at him.
   "Come on," Smirk sighed, grabbing her arm and dragging her to the
zoomtube.

   "You now have eight seconds to position yourselves on the transporter
platform," Spook's voice droned over the transporter room's intercom.
   Smirk and Marr carefully positioned themselves on the pads. Smirk then
decided to leave his sword behind so it wouldn't get stolen. He leisurely
made his way over to the wall safe and carefully input the 50-digit
combination. Laying his sword inside and closing the safe, he yawned and
stretched his arms, and then strolled back over to the platform and took up
his position again.
   At a puzzled glance from Marr, he said, "Spook always overstates things.
It's just the way Bulkans are."
   Five minutes later, they dematerialized.

   "Ah, ha!" yelled Klang when he saw Smirk and Marr materialize a few feet
away from him in engineering. "So you are his girlfriend, now, are you?
We'll see about that!"
   "No, Klang," Marr said hastily, trying to explain. "It wasn't like that,
see? I ripped my dress on a door. Really. Smirk didn't -"
   Shoving the unfaithful woman aside, Klang angrily assaulted Smirk with
his sword. "I'll slice you to ribbons for this, Smirk! You've wrecked your
last happy home, you philanthropist!"
   "I think you mean `philanderer'," Smirk corrected him while dodging his
sword. "And you're wrong, as usual. We're all being manipulated. We're all
driving under the influence. It's all his fault." He pointed up to the
upper decks of engineering where the energy creature had appeared to watch
the main event.
   "Oh, you're outta yer head," Klang snarled. "How could a little thing
like that trap men behind bulkheads, nearly destroy my ship, transform
phasers and chess sets into swords, resurrect the dead, and so on? It's
crazy!"
   "Hey, bub, you're on Star Speck now," Smirk reminded him. "Crazy is our
first, middle, and last name around here. So go ahead. Have at me. In the
heart, in the head. I won't stay dead. I'm goin' to bed. Ha! What poetry!"
   "Grrr!" Klang growled. He lashed out with his sword and sent Smirk's
head flying across the room. "All right, there!" he said triumphantly.
"Let's see you get your head back on."
   Smirk's body jumped up in alarm and started running around and groping
on the floor for its head.
   "Over here! Over here!" the head yelled, trying to guide the body to its
location. Every time the body came close, the Klingtos kicked the head
across the room and laughed at the body's failed attempts to regain it.
   Finally, Marr leaped forward and grabbed the head and held it out for
the body to take.
   "Thanks," Smirk said after he had gotten his head screwed on straight.
He grabbed a sword from a still-laughing goon and charged Klang. "Now it's
my turn!" he yelled, slicing both the Klingto's arms off. "What do you
think of that wok of sushi?"
   "Somebody help me get my arms back on!" Klang wailed, dancing about in
agitated circles.
   "Do you believe me now, Klang?" Smirk gasped. "Do you see how that
creature is manipulating us? Oh, say, Klang, can you see?"
   "Yes!" Klang yelled with righteous fervor. "I believe, brother! I
believe!"
   Spook chose that moment to beam in with a dozen security goons and start
hacking at the Klingtos. The Klingtos immediately responded in kind.
   "You traitorous jerk!" Klang snarled at Smirk. "I'll cut you into six
pieces and bury each piece in a different location! I'll shoot you out an
airlock! I'll cremate you, and then I'll cremate your ashes!"
   "Won't do you any good," Smirk jeered. "I'm immortal (almost)."
   "Captain!" Spook said, running breathlessly up to Smirk. "To get rid of
the creature, all fighting must cease."
   "Oh, you're a fine one to give advice!" Smirk snapped. "Well, how about
it, Klang? Shall we order our men to stop fighting?"
   "I suppose we could try it," the Klingto sighed wearily. "But I doubt it
would do any good."
   Smirk walked over to the wall intercom and told Boohoora to patch him
through to the whole ship. "Attention, Ennui crewmembers. This is your
captain speaking! Lay down your arms (and your swords) right now."
   "Yeah, right!" they all jeered, continuing to clank swords with their
adversaries.
   Smirk gestured to Klang, who reluctantly approached the intercom. "This
is Klang. Cut out the shish kebabbing."
   "With them still attacking us?" the Klingtos all yelled. "No way!"
   Smirk sighed. "All right, both together now."
   "Swing looow, sweet chariot," Smirk and Klang sang into the intercom.
"Comin' for to carry me hooome!"
   Slowly, the fighting factions desisted, eventually dropping their swords
and shaking hands (and kicking and scratching a little, but not too much).
   "We did it!" Smirk exulted. "We chased out that lousy - aw, crud! It's
still here!"
   "I recommend saying something funny," Spook said. "Our silly author
obviously can't. Maybe if you told some of your stupid Klingto jokes, the
alien being would give up and go away."
   "That's right," Smirk laughed. "I'm sure it would. Hey, Klang! How many
Klingtos does it take to change a light bulb?"
   "I don't know," Klang said in true straight-man tradition. "How many
Klingtos does it take to change a light bulb?"
   "Four hundred!" Smirk chuckled. "One to hold the light bulb, and 399 to
turn the ship! Ha, ha, ha!"
   "Oh, yeah?" Klang growled angrily. "Well, why did the human cross the
road?"
   "Uh...why?" Smirk asked hesitantly.
   "To get to the other side! Haw, haw, haw!" Klang and his crew shook the
Ennui with their belly laughs.
   "Er, good one," Smirk said with a faintly nauseous expression. He forced
himself and his crew to laugh it up anyway, and the combined good spirits
were adequate to knock the creature spinning out into outer space, from
which it went forth to plague some other show.

                                   THE END