Copyright 1995(c) 
 
                        "F" FASHION FILE 
                      A Ruby Begonia Column 
                         By Del Freeman 
 
     "What is this?" Ruby demanded, watching the Senate debate 
legitimate uses of the flag. "Ain't they got enough to do worryin'
about the Internet preverts?" 
     "Apparently not," said Del. 
     "What are they talkin?" she demanded. "Don't they know this is
is Amurikah. Home of the free. Land of the brave. Nation of 
protesters. Don't they know nothin'?" 
     "They know they do not want anyone venturing forth into 
society with malice in his or her heart where the flag is 
concerned, certainly not while we have a large group of supposedly
fine minds debating the legal uses of said flag," said Del. 
     "I can do what I want with my flag. It's my freakin' flag,"
said Ruby. 
     "You don't seem to understand the intensity of this debate,
Ruby," said Del. "I assure you, these people are quite serious 
about protecting the sanctity of the flag." 
     "It's cloth, Del," said Ruby, "duh." 
     "It is symbolism, Ruby. People allow spittle to form on their
lips over just such things as this," said Del. 
     "So?" 
     "What do you mean, so? Legislation is forming even as we 
speak, I tell you. You simply cannot do things like print flag 
toilet-paper. It's not respectful." 
     "My hairy toes," said Ruby. "Just my stubby, hairy toes!" 
     "I don't know that they are on the agenda for discussion, but
I wouldn't be so cocky about it, if I were you," said Del. "Toes
are not outside the realm of potential legislation." 
     "Somebody ought to get those guys a job," said Ruby, poking a
finger at the television screen where tiresome rhetoric about 
flag-burning went on. "They clearly got entirely too much time on
their hands."  
     "They have jobs, Ruby. We pay them to do this." 
     "I ain't payin' them diddly," said Ruby. "That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard. If I was gonna' pay people to talk about 
somethin' it would be how to make cold beer colder. That's what's
wrong with this country -- it ain't able to tell issues from real
issues -- like cold beer. Now cold beer's an issue. Hot beer sucks
and everybody knows it. Why ain't they doin' somethin' practical
like figurin' out how to keep the beer cold? If they expect to get
another paycheck from me, they'd better shape up and get on with
somethin' important." 
     "They don't care what you think is important, Ruby," said Del. 
    "An' why not? If I'm payin' their salary hadn't they oughta be
doin' somethin' I want?" 
     "Maybe. As long as they can get paid for spouting impressive
rhetoric about nonsensical topics like legislating drugs, the 
Internet, and the flag, though, why should they worry?" 
     "Hmmmmm," said Ruby. "You may have a point, Freeman. These 
guys are like that dog what used to be on Ed Sullivan. Remember?
That droopy dog --" 
     "A hound?" asked Del. 
     " -- whatever. That one what din't do nothin' his trainer told
him til the trainer walked over an lifted his chin and looked right
in his eyes, remember? Then, the trainer'd say 'He sees me, now!',
but the dog still din't do nothin' he was told. Them guys are like
that. What they need is somebody's got to get their attention," 
said Ruby. She scratched her head. "Let me think about this some,"
she said. 
     "Take your time," said Del. "I don't think the debate's going
anywhere anytime soon." 
     "Stirring stuff, are we?" asked David, who had listened 
silently to the exchange. 
     "Why should she be ours?" asked Del. "I say it's our solemn
duty to share with the world." 
     "I like the thought," he said. 
     Soon Ruby reappeared. Del and David stared at her. 
     "So, whaddya think?" she asked, pirroueting for them to get
the full effect. 
     "Where are you going in that?" asked Del, pointing to Ruby's
spandex bodysuit in a flag pattern. 
     "Washington," said Ruby. 
     "Thank you, God," said Del, heavenward. 
     "You're going to get arrested," said David. 
     "Bite your tongue," said Del. 
     "Sorry, lost my head," said David. 
     "I ain't either gonna get arrested, Freeman. Just shows what
you know," Ruby huffed. "Del's right. The flag's a symbol. It 
stands for freedom and that includes the freedom to make toilet 
paper from it. If you don't stand for somethin' you'll fall for 
anything, and I should know." 
     "I'm not touching that," said David. 
     "Smart boy," said Ruby. "I'll straighten them people out 
good," she predicted. 
     "What is it that you intend to do?" Del asked. "I mean, you
don't think you can leap tall buildings in a single bound or 
anything, do you?" 
     "Heck no," said Ruby. "I'm gonna' set myself on fire." 
     "That's just what they're insisting you cannot do, Ruby," said
Del. 
     "Yeh," said Ruby. She smiled. 
     Del shook her head. "Okay, let's say you do succeed in getting
inside and proceed to set yourself on fire. Granted, you will 
simply have proved that one can set the flag on fire, but isn't 
that going to smart?" 
     "Nah," said Ruby. "I got me one a'them fire retardant suits.
See, this is a great idea. I got it from that newscaster guy what
did a bit on stunt men an them suits they wear when they get caught
on fire." 
     "Isn't that going to spoil the effect somewhat? I mean, if the
issue is to burn the flag, what good will covering it up with a 
fireproof suit do?" asked Del. 
     "You just got to be prepared, that's all," said Ruby, 
producing a protective fireproof suit made from a flag pattern. 
     "I do not believe her," said David, as Ruby headed for the 
airport. 
     "You kiddin?" asked Del. "She'll make a mint. By the weekend
Ralph Lauren will have a line of shirts and Fran Drescher and Drew
Barrymore will have cocktail gowns." 
                             -30-