Copyright (c) 1996 
 
                            DEATH AND TAXES 
                                   by 
                              Michael Hahn 
 
     It's a year divisible by four, so the sorry spectacle of a 
Presidential run for the roses is underway. This time around it's
the Republicans busily tearing each other to shreds, and the fellow
doing his best to look Presidential and remain above the fray is
Democrat Bill Clinton. 
     Most of the field has dribbled away like spittle to the
pillow, with only four sorry candidates left: self-proclaimed 
Washington outsider Lamar Alexander, right-wing pundit Pat
Buchanan, Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, and magazine millionaire
Steve Forbes. 
     Lamar Alexander describes himself as a Washington outsider,
a curious posture for a former Secretary of Education. Try as I
might, I can't understand how anyone thinks we could end up with
a President named Lamar. Jimmy was bad enough... 
     Pat Buchanan is the anointed candidate of the Religious Wrong,
oops, I mean Religious Right. His constituency consists largely of
those folks slightly to the right of Rush Limbaugh. Between the 
Bible-thumpers and the guys in the white pointy hats with eyeholes,
it's a wonder he hasn't already designated David Duke as his
Vice-President. President Buchanan has precedent, I suppose, but
One Nation Under Pat sounds like hell on earth. 
     Bob Dole must get up every morning, stagger into the bathroom,
look into the mirror, and say, "Hi, Dick." In appearance as well
as general demeanor, Dole is a dead ringer for Richard Nixon. That
alone should disqualify him. Curmudgeonly is too polite a
description for the senior Senator from Kansas--I'll bet his dog's
name is "Kick Me". About all Bob Dole has going for him at this
point is his wife...and look where that gets a President these
days. 
     Lastly, we have Steve Forbes. He's goofy-looking, he has a 
one-issue campaign, and he has a truckload of money. Sound
familiar? Any time now, I expect him to peel off his face like a
rubber mask, two enormous ears will pop out, and he'll say in a
squeaky voice, "Now, looky here..." 
     If someone had told me in 1993 that Bill Clinton had any
chance of being re-elected, I'd have laughed for a week. Looking
at his opposition, I think I'd recommend Hillary order the new
drapes for the Lincoln bedroom. 
 
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