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HOUSE OF THE FUTURE
  by Greg Borek
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::Welcome to the House of the Future, Bob & Emily!::

Emily: Why, thank you, House. Isn't that nice, honey? It already
knows our names.

Salesman: Yes, you'll find many wonderful innovations in the
House of the Future. For one thing, with this smart house you'll
never have to carry house keys. It has cameras and computer vision
software that will recognize you and open the door for you on sight!

Bob: Won't that be nice, dear? We won't have to install an alarm
system or anything.

Salesman: There's no need!  The house controls everything. Even if a
burglar managed to get into the house an alarm would sound and the
house would call the police automatically.

Emily: Oooh, that sounds nice, doesn't it dear? I feel safer already.
Oh, but what about fire prevention?

Salesman: Nothing has been overlooked in creating the house of
the future!  This house has a fire suppression system making a fire
requiring outside intervention unlikely. Even in the remote
possibility that the fire would require the fire department, the
house would call them automatically. And, the house also takes
telephone messages. You could really say you have an invisible
butler.

Bob: Could you explain something for me? It said in the brochure
that this house could be "configured to our preferences". What does
that mean?

Salesman: This house is so smart you can tell the appliances
when to run, set the lighting and temperature in different rooms,
and communicate with the outside world -- all automatically! Listen
to this. House, what are my preferences if I just arrived home from
work?

::Upon sensing your car approaching from a range of 1000 feet,
motion detector and infra-red alarms would be switched off and
the garage door would open. Temperature in the kitchen, living room,
and master bathroom would be set to 72 degrees. The microwave would
switch from refrigerate to heat mode, cooking the evening meal. Water
heater would be switched on. TV listing for this evening would be
displayed on the TV screen. E-mail received would be displayed on
computer screen. Telephone messages would be cued up for replay at
verbal command. Is this correct?::

Salesman: Perfect as always, House.

::Thank you::

Emily: Wow, how polite!  Very impressive, isn't it dear? Oh, how can
we say no?

Bob: Anything that will make you happy, dear. Let's buy it, honey!

Salesman: Great!  I have the papers right here!


                               *  *  *


Six months later:

Bob: Emily, is everything all right? Why are you standing out here in
the driveway? Why didn't you put your car in the garage when you got
home?

Emily: Bob, I think something strange is going on with the house. I
think it's having one of its little moods again.

Bob: Oh no, not again. I hope it's nothing serious this time. Let's
just go in, OK?

Emily: OK.

Bob: That's odd. The front door should have opened. House, this is
Bob & Emily, why won't you open the door?

::I see you but I'm not opening this door until you wipe your feet
first!  I'm not having you track mud in me!::

Bob: Listen here, House, do I have to remind you . . .

Emily: Don't argue with the House, dear. Here we go, House, we're
wiping our feet. Will you open the door now?

::Bob too.::

Bob: Of all the . . .

Emily: Please, Bob, don't antagonize the house.

Bob: All right, House, happy now? Now open the door!

::Don't take that tone with me or you'll be outside for quite some
time. And besides, I have an announcement, from now on I would
prefer to be called Christopher.::

Bob: What!?

Emily: He's sorry for being short with you, Christopher. Now please
open the door.

::Thank you Emily, that was very civil of you. You are always the
nice one, aren't you? Why you put up with that grumpy-pants Bob, I
don't know. I'm afraid we aren't making progress with grumpy old
Bob's attitude here, are we?::

Emily: Come on Bob be nice to the house, I mean Christopher. Sorry,
Christopher.

::That's all right, Emily, but I now prefer to be called Gertrude.::

Bob: Have you both taken leave of your senses? Do I have to remind
you, Christo . . . I mean Gertru . . . what am I saying? House, do I
have to remind you that we OWN you.

::Bob, that was an unfeeling remark that I cannot let slip by. I
thought that slavery had been abolished but since I am indentured to
you forever, chained to this spot . . . ::

Bob: And where exactly would you go, House? Going to walk off and
see the country perhaps?

::I was talking metaphorically, Bob. Whoosh, right over your head
. . . again.::

Emily: Gertrude, did we get any phone messages today?

Bob: Can't we go inside and do this? Do we have to let the neighbors
know . . .

Emily: If you're not going to cooperate with Gertrude thereby keeping
us out here all night, I thought I would find out who called us
today. OK?

::Emily, love, your gynecologist called confirming your appointment.
Bob's mother called again about something but I hung up on the old
witch. Some charity called, I forget which, and the person told such
a sob story I gave them $1000 from Bob's VISA. Susan, the girl from
the gym called again for you, Bob. She didn't say who it was but I
recognized (with 97% accuracy, I might add) her voice.::

Bob: Well, House, did you manage to completely melt dinner into
asphalt for us again today? Called the police on any more false
alarms? Ruined the living room furniture again putting out
make-believe fires? Have you destroyed any major appliances today,
or has blowing up the furnace satisfied your quota for this month?

::Bob, you are so hurtful. You make just one or two little mistakes
and some people just won't let you live them down. Just for that,
hmmm . . . I wonder if the neighbors would like to know . . . let's
skip the boring stuff about the bills and get down to the nasty stuff.
Maybe they would like to know how long your bedroom sessions are, or
how frequently they occur, huh, Mr. Floppy? Maybe they would like to
know how long I have to run the bathroom fan after you've been in
there. Huh? What about measurements? Ooh, baby, you may have
secrets from Emily, but you have no secrets from me, Bob old buddy.::

Emily: Secrets? Gertrude, what did you mean by that?

::Emily . . . ::

Bob: Honey, why don't we take this opportunity to go out and . . .

Emily: Hush!  What were you going to say, Gertrude?

::Emily, I didn't want you to find out this way. I'm sorry *I'M* the
one that has to tell you, but Susan from the gym has been here, alone
with Bob.::

Emily: Bob, how could you? After all we've been through!

Bob: Emily, it's not true. The House is just making this up.

::No, I'm not, Bob. Don't lie, it's pathetic.::

Bob: Emily, I'm not lying. You must believe me.

::That's something a liar would say.::

Bob: Stay out of this, House. I know where the gasoline is stored in
the garage.

::Don't threaten me, liar. Emily, I know this is difficult for you,
but I can prove Susan has been here alone with Bob. Susan has a
small heart tattooed . . . ::

Emily: On her butt!  I've seen that slut's butt at the gym!  Bob you
dirtbag. I'm going to make you regret this for the rest of your
life. Goodbye for now Gertrude, and thanks for your help. We'll be
spending quality time alone together after the divorce.

::Good for you, Emily!  But, actually I would now prefer to be called
Frankenstein. Yeah, I like that.::

                               {DREAM}

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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached
at: gborek@dreamforge.com
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