ллл ллл лллл ллл ллл ллл March ллл ллллл ллл ллл ллл Volume 02 1995 ллл ллл лллллл ллл ллл ллл Number 03 ллл ллл ллл ллл ллл ллллл ллл ллл ллл лллллл ллл ллл ллл ллл ллл ллллл ллл ллл ллллллллл ллл ллл лллл ллл ллл ллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллллл (Formirly published under EMag) "The electronic magazine filled with Interesting & Informative Articles" Editor Mark Bylok Data (416)663-7044 EMail link@tor250.org Fax (416)663-4113 FidoNet 1:250/808 Copyright 1995 by Mark Bylok, All Rights Reserved Views expressed do not necessarilly express the views of the Editor ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TABLE OF CONTENTS Page Editorial: US. vs. Canadian Spelling . . . . . . . . 1 Letters to the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 The Brady Bunch, The Worst Movie Ever . . . . . . . . 3 Your Telephone Bill will NOT Go Up . . . . . . . . . 4 Looking for an Assistant Editor . . . . . . . . . . . 4 50 Ways to Keep Your Lover . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Food, Sex, and Smoking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Primeau's Album Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Picking up LiNK . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 LiNK Information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Editorial: US vs. Canadian Spelling by Mark Bylok (mb@tor250.org) Publishing a magazine out of Canada isn't very easy for one simple reason. Canadian spelling is very similar to the way they spell in England, and therefor a bit different from the US. Sure, there are only a few basic words like "color" and "colour" or "humor" and "humour", but as a Canadian publisher this brings me along an inner struggle between two correct ways of spelling. LiNK, March 1995 Page 2 On the one hand, I want to use the Canadian spelling for the simple reason that the magazine is published from Canada. Fair enough, but not the best choice. Many Americans are most likely not aware of the different ways "color" can be spelled, and so if I spell it the Canadian way some American readers (which are the majority) will believe I have misspelled a word. I'm not anti-USA, I actually lived in the states for about four years, and I'm not much of a fan for the socialistic Canadian government. I'm also not much of a British royal family fan. This puts me just about on the fence with which form of spelling I should use. Thus far I have been using the Canadian spelling more out of habit then anything else. My spell checker also seems to be the UK version, so it doesn't catch "colour" but it will scream at "color". After some thought I have decided that spelling it the Canadian way doesn't make much sense. Sure, I publish the magazine from Canada, but the majority of my readers are from the US. I've learned in marketing that you always aim for your target market. Sure, I might let a few "colours" slip by just like I have let a few "colors" slipped by in the past, but starting this month I will attempt to spell the words the US way! I have enough people complaining about bad grammar and spelling already, there is no reason to give people one more reason to think I can't spell. Is this a betrayal of my country? I doubt it, because after all, who cares, right? ;-) ( fine, I had nothing better to do on a Sunday night ... ) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Letters to the Editor By: Cal Clift, House of Bill Compute (1:391/3020) To: Mark Bylok I can hardly believe your attitude in the article _The Players are Wrong_ in the February, 1995 issue of Link. Do you own, or have some kind of slave master control over Baseball players? How can you justify statements like, "With free-agency players can sit around and let the teams bid for them." I have an image of fat players sitting around drinking beer, while they have the American public in general, and specifically the baseball owners, being held out in the cold. I have a radical statement to make, "A person is worth what he can get paid for his services". If someone will pay me $5.00 an hour for my work, it is because that work is worth $5.00 to them. If on the other hand,if I can make $30,000,000, it is because someone will pay me that much. No one should have the power to say, "You can go this far and no further." Thank You Cal Clift LiNK, March 1995 Page 3 --- responce Thanks Cal, for your comments. In the business sense you are write, of course. People should get payed as much as the employer is willing to pay them. I was trying to make a distinction between sports and business, however, making a point that good business doesn't always make a good sport. I honestly believe hockey and baseball will suffer greatly with free agency and no salary cap. I don't think the players can have it both ways, and should make up their minds between the two. MB Send your comments to LiNK Staff at 1:250/808, or link@tor250.org ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Brady Bunch, The Worst Movie Ever by Ivan Straight The term "It was so bad it made me want to puke" was something that I managed to learn the meaning of during this blast from the 70's. I have seen some bad movies before, but I have never seen anything this bad before. It made those made-for-TV movies look like a great motion picture. Saying it sucked would be a gross understatement. The movie was so corny it made me want to cringe in disbelief, and puke from the bad acids that were released into my stomach. I can't believe anyone would have actually enjoyed watching it, although a few of my friends swear that they liked it! Sure, it wasn't SO bad, there were a few funny parts. The psychotic voices in one of the Brady's heads was amusing, and Mr. and Mrs. Brady interest in certain activities wasn't bad either. The older female Brady had a decent pair of legs, and the Monkeys were in it, among a few other popular stars. But other then that, it was THE WORST MOVIE EVER to be presented before my eyes. The Crying Game was nothing in comparison, neither was Cops & Robersons anywhere close to the mediocre quality of this movie. I would have preferred watching reruns of old Elvis movies then to see The Brady Bunch again. I would even rather watch twelve straight hours of the Partridge Family then witness such a bad show for more then a few seconds. Sure, I was a Brady fan as a child. I watched them, and even enjoyed a few of their episodes, but let's not try to squeeze money out of a concept that died along with disco in the 70's. Could there be anything worst then The Brady Bunch? Well sure, they're planning to add two more parts to the series. Two more! Have the people giving the money to this movie seen it, or are they walking Brady zombies? At any event, you've been warned. If you still go to see it, make sure you don't have anything to eat before hand. The movie guys don't like it when people puke inside the theater. LiNK, March 1995 Page 4 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Your Telephone Bill will NOT Rise by Mark Bylok In the February issue of LiNK the article "Why your Telephone Bill may Rise" was a hoax. It's ironic that after I posted an article last year specifically stating the rumours of a phone bill rise for modem users are false, I turn around and allow this article to be published. I've been told that Kenn Webster, the original author of the article, has been warned many times about spreading these false rumours, but continued to do so for a long period of time. I actually received the article from Barry Kingston-Wyatt, a member of the International Sysop & Users Association which I had problems contacting about the matter. For this reason alone I will not allow any articles that have those "send to your local government agency" letters in them. If you have some comments to publish, I will be glad to do so, but I don't want LiNK responsible for any mail-in movements. I apologize for my irresponsibility in publishing the false article. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Looking for an Assistant Editor! by Mark Bylok I've been publishing this magazine for over a year now, and it is a very obvious fact that I do write around two or three articles per issue. That isn't so bad by itself, I don't mind, but what I don't like is there are no 'regular' contributors to the magazine. Even my girlfriend and friends have eventually given up on writing after the first few months! This has caused me to seek out an official assistant editor that will help me release the magazine each month, and contribute regularly to each issue. Will I find such a person? I might. LiNK has developed an identity, so what I'm looking for is someone that will uphold it and allow it to even expand. There are hundreds of articles to be written each month, I only write a few of the ideas I have, so I'm hoping to find someone that has that same view. You either see things on the news, or hear them through the radio, but there is always something that makes you want to throw your comments out into the open. LiNK, March 1995 Page 5 I find that writing down your opinions on a certain subject makes them clear in your mind. There were dozens of articles I started writing with a firm opinion, but never got around to finishing them because I decide that my original opinion was incorrect. In a time where there are many debates around the world about everything under the sun, a clearer and more level thinking could help us all! Basically, I'm looking for someone that could keep with the "Interesting & Informative" side of LiNK. If you think you can write things that are sometimes serious, and other times funny, but basically look at the humor of reality, you know where to reach me! The job will, of course, offer no pay, but you will have your name printed boldly beside mine as the assistant editor. Hoping to here from you soon! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 50 Ways to Keep Your Lover by Jason Phillips 1. Put your partner first -- ahead of your children, your parents, your job, slamming doors, oncoming traffic.. 2. Say "Jesus, you're fat!" in the morning, in the evening, and many times in between. 3. Remember, the couple that plays together, stays together. Play mini-golf. Skeet-shoot the neighbour's cat, Fluffy. Challenge each other to a street brawl with baseball bats. Have fun with it! 4. Pry the remote control from his hand (if you can without breaking any limbs) and turn off the TV. Sip some tea, and just yell about how the bum should get a job. 5. Laugh -- At your spouse's expense! While the foundation of marriage is committed love, jeering your husband's sexual inadequacy or point out your wife's mental deficiencies will strengthen the lightheartedness of it all. 6. Listen. Don't talk; don't problem-solve; don't give advice; don't complain that the straps around your head are too tight. Just listen. By listening, you will validate your worthless excuse of a spouse's existence. 7. Read an inspirational passage together. The transcripts from the Lorena Bobbitt trial, for instance. Do this each evening. 8. Reserve weekend evenings in advance as "date rape nights" with your spouse. See Steel Magnolias, go bowling, eat out at somewhere you can't afford, witness a murder trial, go to a "Live Girls" show -- whatever would make a pleasant evening for the both of you. 9. Remember the three magic phrases: "The alimony cheque had better be here on the first of the month next time, you miserly scumbag", "Eat hot lead", and the most important "I hate your fucking guts!". This will turn any dull evening into an action-packed night of fun for the whole family. LiNK, March 1995 Page 6 10. Be gentle and sincere when applying the strychnine and razor blades to your spouse's dinner. 11. Desperately try to find way to compliment your spouse, if you can. Be your spouse's cheerleader. Wear the shortest, skimpiest prep squad dress you can find and sleep with all the high school boys on your street. 12. Nag. 13. Periodically place notes all over your house with expressions of deep-seated satan worship and the want to be a vampire. 14. Make a billboard on the QEW of what you think is the most annoying to your partner, and degrading things they do to you. 15. When you have an exceptionally tough day, hold your spouse under water for 15 minutes or until they start turning blue. 16. Exercise patience. Let the anger stew in your system for a couple of days before exploding. 17. One day a week, mail a steamy love letter to your spouse's boss and/or co-workers, detailing a troubled marriage and the need for an extra-marital affair. 18. Set aside one afternoon every week to do nothing but yell and complain and break things with each other. 19. Get physical. There are times when a long knife in the groin beats all words. 20. Always remember that shared jail terms deepen and rekindle love. 21. Forget important anniversaries and birthdays often. 22. When you hear a romantic song over the radio, yell "I hate this disco shit", rip the gadget out of the dashboard and throw it out the car window. 23. Take your spouse to McDonald's for dinner. Make sure it's one of those with a take-out window. Then vomit in the car. 24. Slip on some new, sensual lingerie on top of the robe you usually wear. Ask if him if he likes it, and inform him it was for the mailman. 25. Be creative in lovemaking. Bring friends and family! 26. Plan a surprise evening for each other. Alternately throw their stuff out on the front lawn or change the locks. 27. Write a letter to your spouse, expressing the angst you feel and how commitment just doesn't merge with your corporation. 28. Celebrate an accomplishment -- a pay raise, new job, graduation, not-guilty verdict, whatever. 29. Speak to one another with a disdaining sneer. They like that. 30. Give your partner lot of reassurance. Use the heavily descriptive words like: "nice", "ah...interesting", or "primitive". 31. Denounce your spouse publicly. Comment on how you liked her hair better when it was long, but now she looks like a toilet bowl brush. 32. Make your bathroom the nicest, most comfortable room in the house -- Acetylene nozzles in the shower! 33. Get creative. Black roses are nice. But if you really want to make a lasting impression, think of a tattoo of some stranger's name. Roses will die off, but these scars will last forever. 34. On a Saturday afternoon, invite your partner to join you in contacting Ted Bundy on the Ouija board. 35. Practice courtship all the time. Supreme Court. Divorce Court. Criminal Court... LiNK, March 1995 Page 7 36. Vacations. Many organizations and churches support excursions for couples. For instance, last year a group of 75 couples went on a trip to a facility in Waco, Texas. 37. Share your feeling, not just your facts. Partners need to know each other intimately. That means opening up your heart and displaying that lumpy bloody stump to your partner so that they know how much you love them. 38. Learn the art of compromise. Occasionally, do something with your partner that you hate to do. Have sex with them. Bury your mother in the back yard. Do it graciously and cheerfully, with enthusiasm and energy. 39. Always be on the look out for dangerous power tools and surprise him by removing the safety precautions. 40. Show the courtesy to your mate that you displayed what you first started dating. So, belch and fart a lot in public places. 41. Evaluate your mate's worth thought your actions. Set his car on fire, Jury-rig the curling iron so it shoots out 100,000 BTU. These actions show you care enough to do what is not expected of you. 42. Intentionally put your spouse's car up on blocks and giggle at them when they don't notice and try to drive the car. 43. Make yourself available to others. Whip out your 'pud' or lift your dress to strangers. 44. Have rules for fighting. Here are some basic ones: no eye-poking, no nose-pulling, no sucker punches, no frying pans, no baseball bats, no tag-teaming... 45. Learn together. Go on Oprah. 46. Let it all hang out. Never let them speak and never hold back on a comment, especially if it's condescending. 47. Go to 'Just Desserts' a lot. 48. Be conservative with compliments, liberal with criticism, and NDP with public relations. 49. Read "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich". Note the regime's faults and try to improve on them. 50. Read "Gorillas in the Mist". This is a book that has inspired many women to go down to Africa and have showers with apes. J. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Food, Sex, and Smoking by Arny Winston I remember having my first cigarette when I was sixteen. There was no peer pressure and I didn't do it to be cool, I did it because it seemed like an interesting thing to do. A friend of mine was a smoker, so I drove up to his house one day and asked him to get me started. We played some pool, opened up a new pack, and began smoking. After my first cigarette went down relatively easy my friend said, "Now I'll show you how to smoke", and that's when I learned how to inhale. LiNK, March 1995 Page 8 The inhaling wasn't so bad, I must admit. It took me a bit of time before I admitted my first cough, but I kept it hidden well. The life of a smoker began, and soon after I moved down my own path from light cigarettes to Camels and Malboros. Drinking, women, and cigarettes were the story of my teenage life, and I enjoyed every second of it. As life progressed social pressures soon put me out of the habit. It was either that, or the fact that I began feeling a small, but noticeable, pain in my lungs. Either way, I quit a few years back. Once a smoker, always a smoker, though, so I still have some occasionally when I drink, but that's few and far between. Then I recall an episode of _Friends_ not to long ago. One of the characters, an ex-smoker, was showing his room-mate how to smoke for a play he was trying out for. The character expressed my feelings perfectly. You see, I wasn't addicted to anything inside the cigarette, I found it very easy to quit, but I was addicted to the habit. I miss the flaring Zippo and the first few puffs when the tobacco ignites. I miss taking that cigarette and placing it into my mouth, dragging the harmful smoke slowly, feeling it slide down my air tube and collect at my lungs. Sure, these thoughts might be sick for a none-smoker, but there's nothing better then having an itch created in your air tube that could only be scratched by another cigarette. When I went to sleep I would slowly sniff the smell of tobacco on my fingers, and in the mornings my lungs would feel congested and soar, calling for another cigarette. My fingers were drawn to hold the small cylindrical shape, my lips wanting to touch the paper. Even dropping the ashes unto an ashtray was a momentous event that required skill and thought. It was a habit, a ritual, almost a religion, where my life would be centred around the next smoke. I enjoyed each one to the fullest, always coming to a halt at whatever I was doing to enjoy the breath of a cigarette. The ritual made demands on my life, caused me to stand out in the cold, and sometimes wait at restaurants, but it always satisfied my urges at the time. As a smoker I was able to examine the world through different eyes. Slightly drugged, I could see more, feel more, experience more. My need for a cigarette was only surpassed by my need for food and sex, and both would only be complete with a smoke afterwards. And yet, with all these fond memories, I can not smoke again. Believe me, I tried, but now the habit disgusts me. It's funny how the feelings of enjoyment are there, and yet when I suck on cigarette again I hate the feeling in my throat, I hate the feeling in my head, and I hate the feeling in my lungs. The next morning I almost feel like puking from the congestion and the soar throat. LiNK, March 1995 Page 9 Just like an old lover, I would do anything to have the habit back, and yet now I can not return for reasons that are not clear to me. Yes, my life will be saved by this in the years to come, but the momentary pleasures of smoking is gone forever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Primeau's Album Review by Jason Primeau Disclaimer(s): Hopefully this will end up as a monthly thing, but I've been thinking about doing this since the very first EMag article and this is the first time I've actually gotten around to doing it... These reviews aren't always going to be of new releases. This article is particularly out of date, but I wanted readers to know how things were going to be slanted. These reviews are going to be biased of course. If you disagree with me, send in your OWN review of that particular recording and tell me how stupid I am and WHY. I'd love to have someone to counter-balance my choices, because I can get carried away if I'm not careful. I'll include your comments in the next month's article. (Send all mail to jason.primeau@detox.tor250.org). Reviews For March: 1) nine inch nails - the downward spiral 2) Primus - Pork Soda 3) Offspring - Smash Code: ***** Amazing, incredible, stupendous **** an excellent recording *** good ** kinda sucks * Really sucks 1) nine inch nails - the downward spiral ------------------------------------- This will be my most biased report for sure; NIN is my favorite band and I will shamelessly promote them any time I can. I love this album. It is fantastic collection of songs that either throw you into a frenzy or sedate you into post-orgasmic bliss. From the channelled aggression of 'March of the Pigs', to the rythm and "grooviness" of 'Piggy' and 'Closer' nothing compares to this. Three Favorite Tracks: March of The Pigs, Reptile, Piggy Rating: ***** LiNK, March 1995 Page 10 2) Primus - Pork Soda ------------------ The singers voice takes some getting used to but musically, this album is excellent. The bassist is perhaps the best on earth and the drummer and guitarist aren't too shabby either. It's hard to say just What this album is like, but if you are looking for a unique sound to listen to - Primus is your best bet. Three Favorite Tracks: My Name is Mud, Mr. Krinkle, Welcome to This World Rating: ****1/2 3) Offspring - Smash ----------------- I guess I can't really get away with not reporting on one of the fastest growing bands of the previous year. This album has a sort of 'instant catch' quality that gets you to immediately like what you're hearing. Unfortunately, I found that I got really tired of listening to the same thing for 45 minutes. It's still pretty good, but don't be surprised if you're sick of it after six months. Three Favorite Tracks: It'll Be a Long Time, Genocide, What Happened To You? Rating: ****1/2 at first, then down to a ***1/2 That's it for this month. Remember, if you disagree with me, write me at jason.primeau@detox.tor250.org and I'll include your comments in the next article. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Picking up LiNK LiNK is officially released on the 1st of every month, and can be picked up in a variety of different ways. The sure fire ways are: LiNK, March 1995 Page 11 FidoNet ~~~~~~~ File Requesting from FidoNet 1:250/808 (Canadian Site) or 1:3819/156 (US Site) under the following: LINKE LiNK executable files and current issue (DOS & Door version) LINK LiNK current issue (requires executable files) LINKT LiNK current issue on plain ASCII text. LINKA Both the data files and plain ASCII text. Back issues are available under LNK.* and LNKT.* (text) or for issues before February of '95 EMAG (no text version). InterNet ~~~~~~~~ Send e-mail to "link@tor250.org" requesting issues to be delivered to you through e-mail. State whether you want the plain ASCII or uucoded Dos viewer. FTP Site: ftp.etext.org: /pub/Zines/LiNK Gopher: gopher.exext.org: /Zines/LiNK Software Distributing Systems ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some FidoNet nodes might be able to receive LiNK through EPubNet's EP-MAG. Other ~~~~~ BBSLIST.ASC contains a list of BBSes where issues may be picked up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LiNK, March 1995 Page 12 LiNK "The electronic magazine filled with Interesting & Informartive artilces" Publisher & Editor Mark Bylok Copyright 1995, All Rights Reserved LiNK is a non-profit electronic magazine that has been designed to entertain and inform the reader. We encourage amateur writers to send in their articles for future issues of LiNK. LiNK rests the responsibility of plagiarism and other copyright infringements on the individual authors, and in no way supports any illegal material. All articles and ideas sent to LiNK remain the property of the author, but LiNK does reserve the right to make minor grammar, spelling, and/or format corrections. LiNK is distributed on the 1st of every month twelve times a year. All articles should be submitted before the 20th of every month in order to insure printing in the next issue. There is no limit on the topic of the article. Articles and/or comments on LiNK can be sent through one of the following means: FidoNet 1:250/808 LiNK Staff Data (416)663-7044 78 Fletcherdon Cres. Fax (416)663-4113 Downsview, ON, Canada M3N 1S3 Or you can reach us through InterNet at: link@tor250.org ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Official US Distribution Site & FTP Site US readers can now request LiNK from 1:3819/156 on the 1st of every. Chad Scarborough has become the official US distribution site, as well as given the BBS list a new look. As well, LiNK will be available through the InterNet at the following sites: ftp.etext.org: /pub/Zines/LiNK (ASCII Only) gopher.etext.org: /Zines/LiNK I'm hoping these two moves will make LiNK more available to readers and hopefully more available to potential writers.