The Tech Support Line by Ray Koziel I just don't get it Fred! We just bought this multimedia system and the sound system doesn't seem to be working! Are you sure we tried EVERYTHING in the manual? I tell you George, I've looked over every page in this book and have found all I can. Why don't we try calling the technical support people? Are you kiddin'?! Every time I call one of those things I get frustrated beyond belief! They are not as friendly as they want you to believe! Well, it's worth a shot. Dial 'em up on the speaker phone and we can both take 'em on. Alright Fred...but I have a bad feeling about this. Look! It's not even an 800 number! How cheap can you get! Hello and thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprise's Customer Service Line! Here at Dewey, Cheetum and Howe we believe a happy customer is a buying customer, so we have arranged the following services to assist you. Please choose from the following menu. For product information, dial 1. To check on an order, dial 2. For technical support, dial 3. To... You are now connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Technical Support Line, where we have quality, courteous technicians waiting to answer any questions about problems you may have with our products. To better serve you, please choose one of the following. For hardware support, dial 1... Woah! Wait a minute George! I've learned never to dial the first option. Just wait... ...oftware support, dial 2. For multimedia support, dial 3... See, told you George! But what's the difference? Isn't speakers hardware? Yeah, but there's software operating those speakers too. ... input has been received. Please enter an option within the next minute or you will be taken back to the main menu. Quick! Do something!! What? Which one? I dunno...there! Hello, you are connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software Support Line... Software Support! You chose Software Support!! Well George, you rushed me to make a decision there. I just picked one at random. ...where current wait time is ten minutes for this queue. Please wait for the next available technician. [Garth Brooks singing "Achy-Breaky Heart" can be heard thru the speaker] Perfect! Not only do we have to wait ten minutes, but we're waiting for something that is going to be of no help to us whatsoever! Now wait a minute George, you yourself said that software is a part of this as much as hardware, maybe this will work out ok. You better hope so...wait a minute...shhhh! A technician is now available to assist you. To help the technician assist your call, please answer the following questions:... What?! I said, please answer the following questions. No wonder you need help. If you have a CompuFritz 486 DX2, press 1... Please enter the 10 digit code number found on the underside of the hardrive... What?! Quick! Pop the computer open and get the number! Still waiting for input. If no input is received in one minute, you will be placed back on the service queue... Quick, Fred! Quick!! What's the flamin' number?! It's about time, slow poke. Now enter the number found in the third line of page 246, divided by 4 and taken to the 13th power. You gotta be kiddin'! No I'm not. Alright, alright! Here... Thank you, you will now be transferred to a technician. Hello, thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software Support. My name is Dirk, how may I help ya? Yes, hello, my name is Fred and I'm setting up a computer that I just received and I can't seem to get the sound system to work. What kinda computer ya got? I already entered that into the system. Oh I never read that stuff...just a big pain in the butt. Hmmmmmm...I see. I have a CompuFritz 486 DX2 multimedia system. Didja read the operator's manual? Yes. Didja look over the troubleshooting guide? Yes! I wouldn't be calling if I didn't! Fred, calm down... Welp, sorry. Cain't help ya. Sounds like multimedia ta me. Lemme transfer ya over dere... Wait! You can't just... Welcome to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Multimedia Support Line. Here you will receive answers to any questions you may have regarding your multimedia system. Current waiting time in this queue is 45 minutes. Forty-five minutes?! You gotta be crazy! Fred, just calm down. Oh bite me, George! [Forty-five minutes pass, listening to such classic artists as Menudo, Boy George, and Weird Al Yankovic] Ok, it's been about forty-five minutes. They should be putting us through anytime now. And this time we're ready for them. Still got those numbers George?" Yep, right here...oh! Here we go! A technician is now available to assist you. To allow the technician to better assist you, please answer the following questions:... Lay 'em on me! If you have a CompuFritz DX2, press 1... Please enter the 16 digit code number found on the inside of the back panel of the monitor... What?! You asked for the code number underneath the hard drive before! You can't do that! Oh yes we can...enter the code. Argghhh! George...here's the number, calm down. Shuddupya@$&*! Please enter the number of cups in a quart multiplied by the number of bushels in a peck plus the number of square feet in an acre. This is unbelievable! Just do it George, we're almost there. Thank you, you will now transferred to a technician. Sorry the offices of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprises are now closed for the evening. Please call back during our regular business hours, Monday through Friday from 9:00 AM to 5:00PM EST. Thank you for calling. Tough break man, it is 5:01 though. But guess what! While we were waiting on the line I discovered that the power switch on the speakers was installed backwards. So this whole time we thought they were on, they were actually off. Pretty fun huh? Erck gook blick ack pht gark... George? What's with you? You're looking and sounding like one of the Brothers Grunt. Ooog blorg blif grack yarg... George!? Hey, what are ya gonna do with that monitor man? Don't drop in man...or you'll have to call technical support to get it fixed. Ha ha...he he..he...George? No! Wait! I was only joking George! George! Geeoooorrrgggggeeee.....!! {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super- highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered "how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone line." Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.