Copyright 1994(c)

And now.. from the folks who brought you every Tom, Dick and
Harry...

                       EVERY OSCAR, TONY AND RUBY
                         A Ruby Begonia Column

     "Wow! Look-a-this!" Ruby exclaimed.
     "I don't have to and you can't make me," said Del,
automatically.
     "But you like stuff like this," said Ruby. "Either that, or
you're too cheap to buy wallpaper."
     "Okay," said Del, wearily. "What is it?"
     "It's a Ruby!"
     "A what?" asked Del.
     "A sure-enough, gold-edged Ruby," said our heroine,
brandishing a sheet of paper. "It just came in the mail," she said,
waving an envelope in the other hand.
     "Let me see that," said Del, snatching not the certificte, but
the envelope. She examined it.
     "Ruby, this did not come in the mail. That is clearly a
crudely-drawn facsimile of a ... (peering closer) A RUBY STAMP?
Wait til the post office gets a load of this," she huffed.
     "It's just a little entrepren... experimen... uh, it's new
stuff. Everybody's doin it," Ruby alibi'd.
     "The fact that a practice is widespread does not lend it any
validity, Ruby," said Del.
     "Well, I don't care wha'cha say, we got a Ruby. Where we
gonna' hang it?"
     "We're not," said Del.
     "What'ya, nuts?" asked Ruby, beligerently. "This is a
gen-you-wine award, mama. We got to hang it."
     "Let me ask you this," said Del.
     "Ask me anything you want, just hand me the hammer," said
Ruby.
     "Not so fast. First, since we know this award did not come
through the U.S. mails on that Ruby stamp, tell me exactly where
it did come from," Del said.
     "Well, it came from a vote of the academy, naming Ruby's
Pearls the all-time best-ever electronic magazine in the entire
world, that's all," said Ruby.
     "And who makes up this academy?" Del asked.
     "Lots a'people," Ruby equivocated.
     "Like who?" Del insisted.
     "Like... well, like me," said Ruby.
     "And?" Del coaxed.
     "An' the Board of Directors, and the Quality Control
Committee, an the Education Quorum, an' the RFF (Reading For Fun)
group, an' the Ruby Fan Club. Is that enough?" Ruby stood, hands
on hips, prepared to defend her award.
     "But who makes up those bodies?" Del asked.
     "Well... there's me," Ruby admitted.
     "Who else?" asked Del.
     "Who says I need anybody else?" Ruby asked.
     "You mean to tell me that you awarded yourself this
certificate in the guise of an organization made up of you. You
counted the votes of the membership of one, and you phonied up a
stamp and thought you'd somehow validate yourself?"
     "It ain't unheard of," Ruby argued. "Look-a this copy I wrote
for the A.P. wire about the awards ceremony," she invited.
     Del snatched the certificate from Ruby's fingers and crumpled
it before tossing it in the trash can.
     "Hmmph!" Ruby snorted. "You got no gratitude, mama."
     "Ruby, listen," said a very serious Del. "Blowing your own
horn is necessary to some extent, and I'll grant that electronic
publishing is in its infancy and needs all the publicity it can
get. Efforts like that," she said, pointing at the wastebasket, "do
nothing to further the cause of anyone aside from the sole
self-serving publisher who spews it out. All those sorts of scam
techniques do is denigrate the credibility of legitimate electronic
publishers who are not fabricating associations and organizations
peopled by shills who attempt to validate their own existence. They
are meaningless aside from their tendency to make readers laugh at
the posturing and perhaps to cast a doubtful eye at publications
which are legitimate."
     "Hmmm," said Ruby.
     "Enough said," said Del.
     "Does this mean you ain't gonna add the "Winner of the
Prestigious Ruby Award for Excellence in Electronic Publishing logo
to your masthead?"
     "Bingo," said Del.
     "You got no promotional sense at all, mama," Ruby judged. "You
know that?"
     "I know that almost as well as I know stuff from shinola,
Ruby," said Del.
                                  END