Copyright 1994(c) 
 
                       KRIS RENTS THE LOFT 
                      A Ruby Begonia Column 
                         By Del Freeman 
 
     Ruby trundled armfuls of shopping bags crammed with Christmas
goodies through the living room and toward her bedroom. 
     "Stop!" ordered David. 
     "I don't do stop," said Ruby, continuing her progress. 
     "And *that* is her major character flaw," David muttered to
Del. 
     "I kind of think it's that propensity to charge everything to
us that annoys me most," said Del. 
     David looked alarmed. "RUBY!" he shouted. 
     "What is it, Freeman?" Ruby demanded, returning to the living
room, scissors and wrapping paper in hand, little bits of scotch
tape stuck along her forearm. "I'm wrappin," she advised. "Wrappin'
is a art form. You gotta have different paper for each package. You
got to have little Christmassy things like candy canes an' sleighs
for decoration. You got to have bows... all kinds. This takes 
concentration an' I can't work with you interruptin' my train of
thought." 
     "I am not interested in interrupting your train of thought,
Ruby," said David. 
     "We're not sure the train's running, Ruby," said Del. 
     "I am only interested in interrupting your credit line," said
David. 
     "Especially if your credit line is our credit line," said Del.
     "What is it with you bah-humbugs?" asked Ruby. "Ain'cha got
no Christmas spirit?" 
     "Spirit we've got," said David. "It's money we haven't got."
     "Not to worry, Freemans. This is a magical time. Santa's got
a brand new bag," said Ruby. 
     "So long as it's not Aigner and charged to us," said Del. 
     "You just don't understand, do you?" asked Ruby. 
     "Not usually," said David. 
     "Well, ole' Kris lives upstairs, you know," said Ruby, tapping
her forehead. 
     "Nothing lives upstairs," said Del, tapping Ruby's forehead.
"It all starved to death eons ago." 
     "Kris Kringle an' the whole spirit of Christmas is a mental
thing," said Ruby, patiently. "It's all in your mind... in how you
look at stuff. People say, 'Wouldn't it be nice if it could be 
Christmas all year,' but see, they don't understand it could be if
they wanted it to be," said Ruby, proud of her philosophical 
breakthrough.  
     "The credit cards, however, are *not* in my mind," said David.
     "Yeh, yeh," said Ruby, dismissing his concerns. "You wanta get
a nice present, don'cha?" she asked. 
     "Depends on how much it costs me," said David. 
     "I gotcha a good deal, Freeman," said Ruby. "Only $49.95 a 
month for three months an' you ain't got to pay nothin 'til April.
It's gonna be a wonderful Christmas," she enthused, going back to
her wrapping. 
     "If I get one more food steamer/cooker/braiser/barbecuer, 
we're going to have to add on a room," said David. 
     "Hey, at least you know it's not another Pocket Fisherman or
some of that spray-on hair," said Del. 
     "I do?" asked David. 
     "Sure," said Del. "This one's $150 worth of schlock." 
     "How can she give me that routine about how it's all a state
of mind... Kris lives upstairs, etc., and spend my money like it
was as virtual as she is, which, come to think of it, it probably
is, since it doesn't exist anymore than she does?" David wondered
aloud. 
     "Maybe Kris does live upstairs," said Del. 
     "Oh, please," said David. 
     "Hey, could be he's living in her loft," said Del, tapping her
temple. "There's always been a vacancy." 
     "Is there a positive in there, anywhere?" asked David. 
     "Better Santa than Ivanna Trump?" Del guessed.  
                               END