-------------------------------------
 - Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche -
 -------------------------------------

.    Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and palate
scorching Szechwan food.

.    Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right
down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
do systems programming.

.    Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever
they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.

.    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and harder to modify.

.    Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't
read listings or the object code from the dump.

.    Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all) the
illeterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much
good it did for them.

.    Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the
hallmark of the novice and the coward.

.    Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
maintain ancient payroll programs.

.    Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for common business
oriented laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.

.    Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.

.    Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives
who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

.    Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
BASIC after reaching puberty.

.    Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.

.    Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more
parenthesis than actual code.

.    Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with
weak minds.

.    Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a
few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

.    Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
9:00 am, its because they were up all night.

.    Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a
change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is okay, and real programmers wear
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room. (This has actually happened)

.    Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is
for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. they wear
neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

.    Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course they are the chief programmer.

.    Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer
mail networks.

.    Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personal bozos, bean counters, senoir planners,
and other mental defectives.

.    Real Programmers score floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".

.    Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
regarded.

.    Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
Programmers ignore schedules.
(AMEN!)

.    Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn (only when its sold out of
twinkies -Ed). Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real Programmers use the
heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running by listening to
the rate of the popping.

.    Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them in
every real program. Candyass architects won't allow execute instructions to
address another execute instruction as the target instruction. Real Programmers
despise petty restrictions. (Ed. note: You are a real programmer if you
understand this one)

.    Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches. If the vending machine
sells it, thet eat it. If the vending maching doesn't sell it, they don't eat
it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.