ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» º º º Text File For Murphy's Law Program º º º º Clipper Version By DAVID -(FLASH)- GORDON º º º º Microsoft C Version By CHARLES J.C. LYALL º º º ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ  @ Nature sides with the hidden flaw. @ Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. @ Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage @ Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. @ Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once. @ Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. @ Moer's truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog. @ Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. @ MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will. @ Murphy's First Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. @ Murphy's Second Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious @ Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value @ Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once. @ O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. @ Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. @ Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. @ Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. @ Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. @ Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. @ Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. @ Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. @ Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit. @ Ehrman's Commentary Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better? @ Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away. @ Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. @ Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can. @ Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. @ Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. @ Interchangeable parts won't. @ You never find a lost article until you replace it. @ Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for. @ Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. @ If nobody uses it, there's a reason. @ You get the most of what you need the least. @ The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. @ Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster. O'Brien's Variation: If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in. The Queue Principal: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line. @ First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law) Corollary I: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision. H.B. Fyfe @ Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. H.B. Fyfe @ Third Law of Revision: If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is always simpler to start all over. Corollary I: It is usually impractical to to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. H.B. Fyfe @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: II. Any given program costs more and takes longer. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: V. Any program will expand to fill available memory. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. @ LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. @ Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. @ Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. @ Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. @ Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. @ Jennings' Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet. @ Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. @ Sattinger's Law It works better if you plug it in. @ Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. @ Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. @ Anthony's Law of Force Don't force it - get a bigger hammer. @ Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. @ Gordon's First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well. @ Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. @ Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. @ Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem. @ Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Bokonon @ Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. @ You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think. @ Don't get mad, get even. @ Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. @ The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. @ Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. @ Korman's conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. @ Lennon's Law: Life is what happens while you are making other plans. Thomas la Mance @ Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best. @ Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government. @ Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. @ Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. @ Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. @ Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another. @ Fools rush in where fools have been before. @ Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. @ Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out. @ Wyszowski's Law: No experiment is reproducible. @ Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment. @ Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. @ The first Myth of Management: It exists. @ Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear. @ Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. @ Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense. @ Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Tom Wicker @ Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. @ Clarke's Second Law: The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible. @ Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. @ The important thing is never to stop questioning. Albert Einstein @ Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. @ Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. @ Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. @ Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are. @ Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. @ Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. @ Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. @ Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle. @ Jones' Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. McClaughry's Codicil: To make an enemy, do someone a favour. @ Churchill's commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. @ The ultimate Law: All general statements are false. @ The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens. @ The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it. @ The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. @ Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. @ Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. @ Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. @ Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden. @ Langsam's Law: Everything depends. @ Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage. Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back. @ Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. @ Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. @ First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. @ The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. @ Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later. @ Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit. @ Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. @ Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. @ Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. @ MacDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them. @ First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. @ Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. @ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. @ The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. @ Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case. @ Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. @ Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. @ Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. @ Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. @ Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. @ Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer. @ Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. @ Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other. @ Forgive and remember. @ Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time. @ Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it. @ Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will. @ Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. @ Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. @ You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. @ Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up. @ Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. @ Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock. @ Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves. @ Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. @ Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. @ Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero. @ Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place. @ Goldwyn's Law of Contracts. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. @ Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. @ Jones' Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have. @ Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better. @ In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save. @ If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation. @ Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. @ Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions. @ Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life. @ Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem. @ Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. @ Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. @ Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing. @ Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer. @ Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. @ Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short. @ Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock. @ Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped. @ de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted. @ Design flaws travel in groups. @ You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it. @ Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials. @ Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. Lyall's Addendum: ... in the direction of maximum harm. @ Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind. @ When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative. H. L. Mencken @ An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. H. L. Mencken @ Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it. H. L. Mencken @ Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. H.L. Mencken @ A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. H. L. Mencken @ Arcana Coelestica: Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ. Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H. L. Mencken @ Adultery is the application of democracy to love. H. L. Mencken @ Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful who know when to play with it and when to leave it alone. H.L. Mencken @ In human history, a moral victory is always a disaster for it debauches and degrades both the victor and the vanquished. H.L. Mencken @ There is only one sound argument for democracy, and that is the argument that it is a crime for any man to hold himself out as better than other men, and, above all, a most heinous crime for him to prove it. H.L. Mencken @ The Arithmetic of Cooperation: When you're adding up committees there's a useful rule of thumb: that talents make a difference, and follies make a sum. Piet Hein @ The Ultimate Wisdom Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection. Piet Hein @ Murphy's Military Laws: 1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 3. Friendly fire ain't. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 8. Incoming fire has the right of way. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. @ Murphy's Miltary Laws: 12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'. @ Technologie don't transfer. Conrad Stenton @ Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. Herbert Hoover @ There are four things that hold back human progress; ignorance, stupidity, committees, and accountants. Charles J.C. Lyall @ There is something to be said for every error; but, whatever may be said for it, the most important thing to be said about it is that it is erroneous. G. K. Chesterton @ Be kind to everyone you talk with. You never know who's going to be on the jury. Tiger Goldstick @ The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom. @ When all is said and done, more is said than done. @ Finance is the study of money and how it violates the rules of mathematics and common sense. @ Horwood's First Law: Good data is the data you already have. @ Horwood's Second Law: Bad data drives out good. @ Horwood's Third Law: The data you have for the present crisis was collected to relate to the previous one. @ Horwood's Fourth Law: The respectability of existing data grows with elapsed time and distance from the data source to the investigator. @ Horwood's Fifth Law: Data can be moved from one office to another but it cannot be created or destroyed. @ Horwood's Sixth Law: If you have the right data you have the wrong problem; and vice versa. @ Horwood's Seventh Law: The important thing is not what you do, but how you measure it. @ Horwood's Eighth Law: In complex systems, there is no relationship between information gathered and decisions made. @ Horwood's Nineth Law: Acquisition of knowledge from experience is an exception. @ Horwood's Tenth Law: Knowledge grows at half the rate at which academic courses proliferate. @ Cheops Law: No project was ever completed on time and within budget. @ No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married. By then, of course, its too late. @ Murphy's Military Laws: 18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets. @ The best scale for an experiment is 12 inches to the foot. Admiral of the Fleet Lord Fisher @ What's source for the goose is object for the gander. Stan Kelly-Bootle @ Kelly-Bootle's Law of Programming: The sooner you start coding, the longer it is going to take. @ Gershwin's Law: It ain't necessarily so. @ Kelly-Bootle's pith poor law: Terseness is not enough. @ Science is to computer science as hydraulics is to plumbing. Stan Kelly-Bootle @ The Seven Catastrophes of Computing: The user, the manufacturer, the model, the salesperson, the operating system, the language, and the application. Stan Kelly-Bootle @ Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. Brendan Behan @ Alinsky's Rule for Radicals Those who are the most moral are furthest from the problem. @ Where there's a will, there's a won't. @ Olivier's Law Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. @ Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. @ Searle's Third Law: You win a few, you loose a lot. @ Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. @ Berra's Second Law: Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. @ Heise's Law of Anatomy: When the mouth opens, the ears slam shut. @ Foster's Law: The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. @ There are two kinds of people in any organization: those who fix the problems, and those who fix the blame. The latter are called managers. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Weatherwax's Postulate: The degree with which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy. @ Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy: If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel of wine, you get sewage. @ Munder's Theorem: For every '10', there are ten '1's. @ Levy's Eighth Law: No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. Strong's Reply: Genius cannot be fruitful without due consideration and attention to detail. @ Zappa's Law: There are two things which are truly universal: hydrogen and stupidity. @ Fagin's observation: Hindsight is an exact science. @ First rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat one another. @ Ehler's First Law: When you find out how far you can go, you've gone too far. @ Good's Rule of Bureaucracies: When the government's remedies do not solve the problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. @ Sigstad's Law: When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules. @ Roger's Law: As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft encounters turbulence. Davis' Explanation: Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. @ Bachman's Law: The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, the less chance of abandoning it. Bachman's Corollary: The higher the level of prestige accorded the people behind a plan, the less chance of abandoning it. @ Cohn's First Law: In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend more and more time reporting on the less and less you are doing. Cohn's Second Law: In any bureaucracy, stability is achieved when you spend all of your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. @ Kushner's Law: The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely proportional to the number of other people who are in a position to do it instead. @ Law of Probable Distribution: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. @ Gourd's Axiom: A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. @ Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screwups. @ Steinbach's Advice to Systems Programmers: Never test for an error you don't know how to handle. @ Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. @ Maier's Second Law: The bigger the theory, the better. @ Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles. @ Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his physician. @ Matz's Medication Rule: A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report. @ G.B. Shaw's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who can't teach, administrate. Lyall's Insight: The above completely explains sex education. @ Conner's Second Law: If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier. @ Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get. @ Edward's Law: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. @ Boren's Laws: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. @ Forsyth's Law: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in on you. @ Variables won't; constants aren't. @ The one language spoken by all programmers is profanity. @ The only two things a pirate will run for is money and public office. Yosimite Sam @ If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science, it is opinion. Robert A. Heinlein @ Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Robert A. Heinlein @ Ninety percent of everything is crud. Theodore Sturgeon @ One good turn gets most of the blanket. @ A virtual data base is a segment of your imagination. @ On a clear disk, you can seek forever. @ Octal is just like base 10, really, if you're missing two fingers. Tom Lehrer @ Disks travel in packs. @ I believe in computer dating, but only if the computers are truly in love. Groucho Marx @ Reciprocity works both ways. @ The Universe is not user friendly. Kelvin Throop @ Science policy is to science as bird shot is to birds. Petr Beckman @ Remember, a rut is simply a coffin with the ends knocked out. Earl Nightengale @ Computer programs are ninety percent debugged, fifty per cent of the time. @ To err is human, but to REALLY foul things up, it takes a computer driven by a programmer who only thinks he knows what he is doing. Walter Aiello @ Tusseman's Law: Nothing is an inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. @ One can never underestimate the intelligence of the electorate. Walter Aiello @ Any given container designed to hold water, will leak, and any given orifice designed to drain water, will plug up. Walter Aiello @ You don't learn less and less, you learn more and more. Hence you should not call them lessons but rather morons. Lewis Carroll @ If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops. Kelvin Throop @ Alcoholism is what happens when good liquor falls into the hands of amateurs. Spider Robinson @ If God had really intended man to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airports. @ It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but thats the way to bet it. Damon Runyon @ All of life is seven to five against. Damon Runyon @ Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm is two small jumps. David Lloyd George @ No one ever raised a statue to a critic. @ Originality is the art of concealing your source. Franklin P. Jones @ Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings. C.D. Jackson @ Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. Allen Supynuk @ If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion. Lewis Carroll @ Those who live by the crystal ball must be prepared to eat crushed glass. Larry Long @ There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. Goethe @ If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. Abraham Maslow @ A closed mouth gathers no foot. @ First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering: Save all the parts. @ Hofstadter's Law: The time and effort required to complete a project are always more than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. @ Incompetence knows no barriers of time and place. @ Make it possible to write programs in English and you will find that most programmers cannot write in English. @ Matz's Maxim A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. @ Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure. @ Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. @ Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. @ Spencer's Laws of Data: Anyone can make a good decision given enough facts. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. @ Statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is suggestive, what they conceal is vital. @ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. @ Organizations are like wine; the bottleneck is always at the top. @ The plural of spouse is spice. Edgar Pangborn @ In theory, the difference between theory and practice is small. In practice, the difference between theory and practice is large. @ Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or four. @ Mayhis Rule: It is bad luck to be superstitious. @ Bureaucaracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. Laurence J. Peter @ One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. Heinrich Heine @ It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favour of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion. William Ralph Inge @ Rascality has limits; stupidity has none. Napoleon @ Politics is occupational therapy for the morally handicapped. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Fundamental Tenet of Reform: Reforms come from below. No man who has four aces ever calls for a new deal. John F. Parker @ Beauregard's Law: When you are up to your eyeballs in it, keep your mouth shut. @ Murchison's Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. If you pile it up in one place, it stinks. @ When all else fails, blame it on the oil industry. @ Laotion Proverb: When drowning, it is all right to be a fatalist, but one should still move one's feet. @ He who hesitates is smart. @ It is only when you need to knock on wood that you realize that the world is entirely made up of aluminum and plastic. @ A person who says that something can't be done shouldn't interrupt the person doing it. @ The difference between an amateur and a professional in the computer business is the number of backups they make. @ The secret to dealing successfully with people is sincerity. Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made. @ The person who offers unsolicited advice usually discovers its value. @ Modern journalists are much like modern novelists; they both write fiction. The difference is that the novelists are honest about it. Charles J.C. Lyall @ It is easy to tell when a politician is lying. Watch his lips. If they move, he's lying. @ Hell is the place where everything test perfectly and nothing works. John W. Campbell Jr. @ Fleas can be taught nearly everything that a congressman can. Mark Twain @ In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. Mark Twain @ Of course, America had been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. Oscar Wilde @ American women expect to find in their husbands the perfection that the English women only hope to find in their butlers. W. Somerset Maugham @ Canadians could have enjoyed: English Government, French Culture, and American know-how. Instead they ended up with: English know-how, French Government, and American culture. John Robert Colombo @ Heaven for climate; hell for society. Mark Twain @ Put not your trust in princes. Psalms 146:3 @ Democracy is a form of religion. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses. H.L. Mencken @ You just can't tell about women; and if you can, you shouldn't. Charles M.M. Lyall @ Maxey's Maxim: No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. @ Sprinkle's Law: Things fall at right angles. @ The finer a highway is, the more people crowd it to unusability. John W. Campbell Jr. @ Always leave a way out. John W. Campbell Jr. @ Myer's First Law: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. @ Myer's Second Law: Experiments must be reproducible -- they should fail the same way. @ Myer's Third Law: Always verify your witchcraft. @ Myer's Fourth Law: First draw your curves -- then plot your readings. @ Myer's Fifth Law: Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation. @ Myer's Sixth Law: A record of data is useful -- it indicates that you have been working. @ Myer's Seventh Law: Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined. @ Myer's Eighth Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. @ Myer's Ninth Law: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. @ Nobody likes being proven wrong. A scientist is a man who develops powerful proofs. Therefore, nobody likes scientists. John W. Campbell Jr. @ Law of the Too, Too Solid Point: In any collection of data, the figure that is most obviously correct -- beyond any need of checking -- is the mistake. Corollary I: No one whom you ask for help will see it either. Corollary II: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately. H.B. Fyfe @ If the liberal arts do nothing else, they provide engaging metaphors for the thinking they displace. Roger Zelazny @ The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished. @ Remember, the absent are always wrong. @ Coffee makes a worker wise and able to see through half closed eyes. @ Indecision is the key to flexibility. @ Nothing motivates an employee more than to see the boss do an honest day's work. @ Law of Forgetfulness: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... proportional to ... to ... . @ Nine tenths of a woman's intuition is suspicion. Bob Edwards @ Blessed are the pretty girls, for they shall inherit the men. Bob Edwards @ A woman's idea of heaven is a place where she won't have to wash the dishes. Bob Edwards @ It's awfully hard for a woman to pretend not to know the things she ought to know. Bob Edwards @ We actually need women in provincial politics. Women could never possibly participate in any graft system, owing to their inability to keep a secret. As publicity is the remedy for most political ills, women in politics should function admirably. Bob Edwards (1911) @ Women will never make good on juries until they get to be as ignorant as men. Bob Edwards @ Politics has not ceased to make strange bedfellows, or, at least the politicians of both parties continue to share the same bunk. You know the kind of bunk we mean. Bob Edwards @ Politicians resemble shoes in one respect -- the higher grade is not machine made. Bob Edwards @ It seems as if the world is divided into two sets of people -- one set engaged in making money by productive labour and the other set are simultaneously engaged in taking it away from them. Bob Edwards @ A man can claim to have "arrived" when his private affairs begin to interest the public. Bob Edwards @ A girl seldom falls in love with a man unless there is some reason why she shouldn't. Bob Edwards @ Every man has his favourite bird. Ours is the bat. Bob Edwards @ The report that whiskey drinking is declining in Calgary will cause no surprise. Most of the politicians are out of town telling the festive farmer which way to vote. Bob Edwards @ Soaking the brain in alcohol does not improve the mind. Bob Edwards @ The water wagon is certainly a more dangerous vehicle than the automobile. At least more people fall off it. Bob Edwards @ Call a girl a chick and she smiles; call a woman a hen and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and she is pleased; call an old woman a witch and she is indignant. Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes it; call a woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer. Bob Edwards @ A man who hesitates is lost. So is a woman who doesn't. Bob Edwards @ A girl's kisses are like pickles in a bottle -- the first are hard to get, but the rest come easy. Bob Edwards @ Too much distance between husband and wife may result in other enchantments. (This is a deep one.) Bob Edwards @ The only thing that beats a good wife is a bad husband. Bob Edwards @ It is easy for a man to manage his wife. All he has to do is follow her instructions. Bob Edwards @ When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder how she found out. Bob Edwards @ All the world's a stage, and the majority of us sit in the gallery and throw things at the performers. Bob Edwards @ If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. Bob Edwards @ The things that come to a man who waits are seldom the things he has been waiting for. Bob Edwards @ A man begins to get his life into proper perspective when he quits expecting to find pearls in his oysters and is extremely gratified when he gets oysters. Bob Edwards @ It is a waste of life to be sensible all the time. Bob Edwards @ No man does as much today as he is going to do tomorrow. Bob Edwards @ Most of the entries in the human race are also rans. Bob Edwards @ Remorse is memory that has begun to ferment. Bob Edwards @ A man never looses money on fast horses. It is the slow ones that cause all the damned trouble. Bob Edwards @ Don't you think "absolutely" a much overworked word, Absolutely. Bob Edwards @ If money talks, all it ever said to me was goodbye. Bob Edwards @ When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. Bob Edwards @ The first thing a man with a new automobile runs into is debt. Bob Edwards @ The trouble with being efficient is that it makes everybody hate you so. Bob Edwards @ The income tax returns would indicate that there is untold wealth in Canada. Bob Edwards @ Taking things philosophically is easy if they don't concern you. Bob Edwards @ Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will attend to that. Bob Edwards @ Forgive your enemies -- but if you have no enemies, forgive a few of your friends. Bob Edwards @ A tongue, like a race horse, generally runs faster the less weight it carries. Bob Edwards @ Most of life's shadows result from standing in your own light. Bob Edwards @ The man who has never tried has no sympathy for the man who has tried and failed. Bob Edwards @ Some people might as well be crazy for all the sense they have. Bob Edwards @ Meanwhile the meek are a long time inheriting the earth. Bob Edwards @ A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. Bob Edwards @ Isn't it queer that only sensible people agree with you? Bob Edwards @ The way of the transgressor is ever popular. Bob Edwards @ If its all the same to history, it need not repeat itself anymore. Bob Edwards @ Well, at all events, the Canadian Navy will be able to lick the Swiss Navy. This is one comfort for which we should be thankful. Bob Edwards @ Not all women are as bad as they paint themselves. Bob Edwards @ If men could read woman's thoughts, they would take more risks than they do. Bob Edwards @ It is as easy to recall an unkind word as to draw back a bullet after firing a gun. Bob Edwards @ Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him. Be fair. Bob Edwards @ McCrum's Maxim: ASCII no questions and I'll TELETYPE you no lies. @ Trial marriages are very dangerous. If you're not careful, they could lead to the real thing. Warren Beatty @ The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be. Lao-Tzu (604-531 B.C.) @ No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck. Frederick Douglas, 1883 @ Ignorance and stupidity are not the same thing. At the battle at Little Big Horn, Crazy Horse was an ignorant savage and George Custer was an educated military tactician and strategist. Custer was also stupid; Crazy Horse wasn't. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Feminist theologians tell us that God is female. But, what about the devil? What about her? Charles J.C. Lyall @ Never try to explain integrity to a lawyer. Charles J.C. Lyall @ There may be a market for artificial intelligence but there is a larger market for artificial stupidity. Charles J.C. Lyall @ In a severe crisis, make sure you have a good stock of the precious metals; gold, silver, and lead. The first two make lousy bullets. Charles J.C. Lyall @ There are only three predators that strike fear into the average man; the man eating shark, a pack of wolves, and the tax department. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The early worm gets eaten. @ Never tell an accountant that he is a credit to his profession. A good accountant is a debit to his profession. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Consultants are like high priced whores: they know more ways of doing it than their clients; they can do it better than their clients; most of the time, they end up doing it the client's way and trying to make the client like it. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The problem with the war between the sexes is that neither side has much compassion for the casualties. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Any computer system can be rendered ineffective by its users. Charles J.C. Lyall @ No one can design a completely idiot proof system; idiots are too smart. Charles J.C. Lyall @ A poorly managed manual system cannot be improved by automation. The problem is not the system, it's the manager. Charles J.C. Lyall @ All systems have three aspects: there is the official system which is written down; there is the system which the managers administer, and there is the system actually implemented by the employees. It is very similar to the Christian theology of the holy trinity. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The best way to improve the educational system would be to turn it over to private enterprise. Not that the companies could necessarily do it any better, but the education department would suddenly find the deficiencies intolerable. Charles J.C. Lyall @ A person in the 100% tax bracket is called a slave. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Statistics are methods of quantifying ignorance. When an intellectual tells you that it is only a probability that the sun will rise tomorrow morning, he is indicating his ignorance of Newton's Laws. Charles J.C. Lyall @ A cynic is a person who refuses to share your illusions. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Media is the plural of mediocre. Rocky Bridges @ They don't make things like they used to, and what's more they never did. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Don't lie. It is a crime to impersonate a politician. @ Don't steal. It is a crime to compete with the government. @ The Lord giveth and the government taketh away. @ Socialists, like aristocrats, divide people into social classes and encourage discrimination against the "out" classes. Fascists, on the other hand, divide people by nationality and discriminate against the "out" nationalities. Fascism is very popular these days, especially among the socialists. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Nationalism is an infantile idea; it is the measles of mankind. Albert Einstein @ A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religeon. Frank Herbert @ In one respect the Greeks had a firmer grasp of psychology than we do. When their society produced a sociopathic personality, they banished him; we elect him. Charles J.C. Lyall @ A bureaucracy will first act to save its own existence and secondly it will act to expand itself. It will never act in a fashion that will ensure its own destruction. The anti- cancer bureaucracy will never find a cure for cancer. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Some people think that the tax department are thieves. This is nonsense. The tax department does not steal; it simply threatens you with dire consequences if you do not give them the money they want. This is not theft. It is extortion. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The beaver has a completely unjustified reputation for hard work. What it energetically does is destroy forests so it can build dams and flood what it has not destroyed. It is a nasty overgrown rodent with a vicious temper and is the perfect symbol for the Canadian government. Charles J.C. Lyall @ There are several occupations that should be de-criminalized because they provide a useful social function. Among them are prostitution and political assassination. Charles J.C. Lyall @ When a person says that technology is "out of control", he usually means that it is out of his control. This is usually a good thing. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The concept of censorship is internally self contradictory. If certain materials will corrupt people's morals and must be censored, then it follows that all censors are morally corrupted by the material they censor. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The greatest deficiency in educational systems is that they almost never offer courses in thinking. @ It has been determined that mankind and chimpanzees have 99 per cent of their genetic material in common. This annoys both the creationists and the chimps. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The more obvious the defect in a plan, the more likely it will be approved. @ The AIDS epidemic may well bring the end of our species. Homo Sapien will be supplanted by Hetero Sapien. @ Schedules are never drawn up by the people who will have to keep them. @ The more sensible and simple your plan, the more likely your supervisor will change it. @ It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a plan to pass unchanged through a committee. @ Lyall's Regret Waist not, diet not. @ In the ultimate utopia, only three things would be illegal: - the initiation of force; - the act of fraud and; - Monday mornings. Charles J.C. Lyall @ You've gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem, Know when to load 'em up, know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the keyboard; There'll be time enough for countin' when the program's done. -Anonymous (With apologies to Kenny Rogers) @ You can slide further on bullshit than you can on sand. Don McKee @ Marriage is made in heaven; so is thunder and lightning. @ Hindsight is diffraction limited. R.E. Fisher @ Many students treat knowledge as a liquid to be swallowed rather than as a solid to be chewed, and then they wonder why it provides so little nourishment. @ Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and vigour. @ First Law of Business Meetings: The probability that the lead pencil will break is directly proportional to the importance of the notes being taken. @ The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you had planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. @ Brasington's First Law: You will never use the backup copy you just made. @ Brasington's Second Law: The only backup copy you will ever need is either: - the one you didn't have time to make, or; - the one you did make but cannot read. @ Brasington's Third Law: There is no danger in x-raying a scratch disk or tape. However, a boy scout's magnet can destroy the only copy of a file at 50 yards. @ Brasington's Fourth Law: The probability that a given program will conform to expectations is inversely proportional to the programmer's confidence in his ability to do the job. @ Brasington's Fifth Law: When a programmer tells you "no problem", you have a serious problem. @ Brasington's Wisdom: When a programmer commits to a completion date, make sure it includes day, month, and year. @ Brasington's Irrefutable Observation: State of the art software is not. User friendly software also is not. State of the art user friendly software, is an edp insider's joke. @ Brasington's Sixth Law: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug it invariably introduce new bugs which are even harder to find. @ Brasington's Seventh Law: Projects progress quickly until they become 90% complete, then they remain 90% complete forever. @ Brasington's Insight: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the embarrassement of estimating the costs. @ Brasington's Eighth Law: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress. @ Brasington's Ninth Law: A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned one will take only twice as long. @ Brasington's Note: Project teams detest project reporting because it vividly manifests their lack of progress. @ Liebling's Truth: Freedom of the press belongs to those who own one. @ Austen's Aphorism: Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor, which is one very strong argument in favour of matrimony. @ People fail to respect the law when the laws fail to deserve respect. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten the problems. @ Information is power. To give out correct information at the correct time is to control the present; to withhold information at the correct time is to control the future. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Our analytical tools are primitive; almost all of our problems are solvable but few yield to analysis. Consider the future; we cannot predict it, but assuredly we are creating it. Most of our problems are subsets of this solvable problem. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Mankind makes tools; we use them to augment our hands, arms and legs. The computer augments the brain and this makes it very unpopular with totalitarians. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Life's a batch, and then you submit. Steve Rosborough. @ Every life form on Earth either has become extinct or will become extinct. That is why the human race will build star ships. Charles J.C. Lyall @ The only people that successfully resist change in society are the dead. Charles J.C. Lyall @ Everything changes; even the rate of change isn't constant. Charles J.C. Lyall @ A hug is the perfect gift -- one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it. Ivern Ball @ Absolutely nothing in the world is as friendly as a wet dog. Dan Bennet @ The medieval alchemist said there were four states of matter: Earth, Water, Air, and Fire. On the other hand, we know that there really are four states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas and Plasma. Thank God for progress. Kelvin Throop @ Once you get to orbit, you're halfway to anywhere. Robert A. Heinlein @ An economist is a man who tells you what to do with the money you would not have if you had followed his proposal in the first place. Kelvin Throop @ Policy: A common substitute for good judgement. Kelvin Throop @ Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make President. Kelvin Throop @ If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If that doesn't work, look for a better solution. Kelvin Throop @ And the Lord said unto Job, "There's no reason for it. It's just policy." Kelvin Throop @ If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses. Kelvin Throop @ A self addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope". Kelvin Throop @ In matters of belief, he who is absolutely sure he is right is almost certainly dead wrong. Kelvin Throop @ God doesn't want to make it too easy for his children -- many of them are spoiled enough as it is. Kelvin Throop @ To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain. Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention. Kelvin Throop @ There is no such thing as a functional illiterate. Kelvin Throop @ The number of people who agree or disagree with you has absolutely no bearing on whether you're right. The universe has a way of deciding that for itself. Kelvin Throop @ Just because we're not currently using a technology doesn't mean that it doesn't work anymore. Kelvin Throop @ Jargon (or "technical terminology") is a marvelous way to convey a lot of information to the knowledgeable. It's also a superb way to intimidate the uninitiated. Why do you suppose it was developed? Kelvin Throop @ Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather reports and economists. Kelvin Throop @ Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. Lily Tomlin @ Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. Kurt Herbert Adler @ Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen @ Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Woody Allen @ Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major catagories -- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. Russel Baker @ Heblock's Horror: If it's good, they'll stop making it. @ Creativity is inverse to experience. Decision levels are inverse to comprehension. Size of error is inverse to elapsed time. Derek Hutchins @ Cayo's Law: The only things that start on time are those that you're late for. @ Arndt's Truism: If you have never made a mistake, you have never made anything. Lyall's curmudgeonly addendum: ... or anyone. @ More programming sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason including stupidity. William A. Wulf @ Porter's Strategem for future dillemmas: We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. @ Walton's Observation: Given two choices, you'll make the wrong one -- twice. @ Takeovers are always announced one day after you sell the stock of the target company. Gluskin-Fagan Report @ Time-tested investment strategies stop working as soon as you put your money into them. Gluskin-Fagan Report @ The next bull market will begin on the day you swear never to touch another stock as long as you live. Gluskin-Fagan Report @ The only hot stock market tips that work are those you have ignored. Gluskin-Fagan Report @ The trouble with planners is that they often undertake vast projects using half vast ideas. @ Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization. Jon Bentley @ Testing can show the presence of bugs but not their absence. Edsger W. Dijkstra @ If it ain't broke, don't fix it. @ If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. Walt Weir @ The fastest I/O is no I/O. Nils-Peter Nelson @ The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a computer system are those that aren't there. Gorden Bell @ Eschew Clever Rules. Joe Condon @ Make it work first before you make it work fast. Bruce Whiteside @ Bulls do not win bullfights: people do. People do not win people fights: lawyers do. Norman R. Augustine @ Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics: i.e., it always increases. Norman R. Augustine @ It is better to be a reorganizer than a reorganizee. Norman R. Augustine @ The optimum committee has no members. Norman R. Augustine @ The early bird gets the worm. The early worm--gets eaten. Norman R. Augustine @ Two thirds of the earth's surface is covered with water. The other two thirds is covered with auditors from headquarters. Norman R. Augustine @ If the error rate is high enough to be measured, it's too high. Bill Godbout @ The most effective way to increase the reliability of software that we currently know about is simply to make it understandable and predictable. Nancy Leveson @ Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory. Daniel Bershader @ The world is divided into three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't. Mick Racky @ Swanson's Principle of Prelusive Programming: Hardware will learn to emulate any software bug within one hour of its removal. @ A human mind is monumentally harder to change than a bed. Lois McMaster Bujold @ There are three kinds of medical experiments: Single Blind: The patients don't know if they got the drug or the placebo. Double blind: The doctors don't know either. Triple Blind: The administrators have lost the key and nobody will ever know. @ Newton's Law - revised in Ottawa: For each and every decision, an equal amount of time, energy, and money shall be spent auditing that decision. @ Boyle's First Law: The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. @ Boyle's Second Law: An original idea will never emerge from a committee in the original form. @ Boyle's Third Law: If not controlled, work will flow to the competent employee until he or she is submerged. @ Dieter's Law: Food that tastes best has the highest number of calories. @ Foster's Query: If the polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling companies? @ Those who know little soon repeat it. @ The less an organization produces, the more frequently it re-organizes. @ Mediocrity imitates. @ No boss will keep an employee who is right all of the time. @ An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty. @ Trivial laws are promptly voted in; important ones never are. @ Nothing is illegal if 100 business men decide to do it. @