O.J. Simpson, He's Our Man. O.J., in a catatonic, suicidal state, was driven around much of Los Angeles by his life-long friend, Al Cowlings. Their drive was discovered by police and was photographed by news helicopters and shown live on every major television network and also in parts of Central America and Europe. He finally surrendered and was arrested and booked. And now, the jokes: 1. Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife? A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife. 2. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles! 3. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled. 4. Did you hear about Hertz' new billboard? A picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!" 5. Q. Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago? A. To find a clean towel. 6. Q. What is Mike Tyson having for breakfast tomorrow? A. Fresh-squeezed O.J. 7. What was ex-Mrs. Simpsons' last words? Stop, O.J.! It Hertz! 8. How 'bout B oy I L ove L ife S entences 9. I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her. 10. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice... 11. Well I don't buy his alibi either, have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too... 12. Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him. 13. I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not! 14. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well. 15. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem: He can't concentrate. 16. They are going to re-make the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself. 17. Q. How do you get an electric chair to work? A. Give it the Juice! 18. Q. Why won't prison be that different for O.J.? A. He will still have big guys opening holes for him. 19. Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject: Good prison names for O.J. Maybe that will get you started. Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote. 20. I hear O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32. 21. Q. What does O.J. stand for? A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Outlook: Jail 22. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them!!! 23. Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson? A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it. 24. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer: 1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. 2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career. 3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her. 4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate. 5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left. 25. After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?" 26. IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points... 27. Q: What position did O.J. play on the San Quentin football team? A: Wide Receiver. 28. Q: Why did O.J. quit the San Quentin football team? A: They wanted him to line up in a four-point stance. 29. O.J. showed up at his lawyer's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. The lawyer says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says, "Didn't you say I was going to Cancun?" To which the lawyer replies, "No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'" 30. New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato..... 31. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They are both missing a glove. 32. Here's one I made up: Have you had the new O.J. Simpson drink? Orange juice, with a shot, stirred with a knife. 33. Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man? 34. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap... THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE ! STILL ON THE LOOSE ! By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game? 35. Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz? 36. At least if O.J. goes to jail, he'll be able to play football with the other inmates. Unfortunately, he'll be split-end. 37. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink? A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers. 38. Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife. 39. Looks like O.J. hasn't quite mastered the run-and-shoot. 40. A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your ice picks and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime. 41. Q: What is the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. started out with millions. 42. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X. 43. Q: Did you hear about the new rental car commercial? O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!" 44. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy? A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson. 45. O.J. Simpson has been charged with murder, and has turned himself in to the police. However, there is no truth to the rumor the Michael Jackson offered to babysit for his kids. 46. Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife? A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car. 47. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door! 48. Q. What 3 drink special is being offered at sports bars? A: You get a screwdriver, a bloody mary and an O.J....on the rocks. 49. The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz. 50. Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner? A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of the white meat! 51. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo. 52. Q: What position will O.J. play on the prison football team? A: Tight End or Wide Receiver 53. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did? A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian! 54. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook? A: Cut left, then slash right! 55. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common? A: They both have O.J. in a can. 56. Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair! 57. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz? A: Not exactly. 58. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now he's making license plates for them. 59. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game? It's called "Where's O.J.?" Addendum. **************** ************************ ***************************** ********************************* *********************************** ************************************* ************************************* ***********---------------*********** ********/ ___ ___ \******** *****/ <_w_>| |<_w_> \***** ***| / \ |*** */ ( _ _ ) \* | /-----\_/-----\ | A message from O.J. Simpson himself: | <_______________> | | \_____________/ | "I do not mind being the butt of \ / all these jokes. In fact, it \_____ _____/ gives me great pleasure to know \______________/ that my fans, and indeed, the ___ ___ | | American public at large, are being _ / `' \| | entertained by this "murder" which, / \ / | | in fact, is no murder at all, but a | \ | | | publicity stunt hatched by the CIA and the `w\ \| ___/ \__ Secret Service to draw attention away from \ | | / \ Clinton's Foreign Policy, the Whitewater \ | |\| | incident, and the impending sexual \ | | | . . | | harrassment investigation. I will, \__/ | | /| | of course, be vindicated and aquitted | |\_______/ | | of all 'charges' by the puppet judge." < < < < \ \ \ \ with best regards, \ \_ \ \_ (nnn) (nnn) O.J.