The Greatest Brain Ever Copyright (c) 1995, Franchot Lewis All rights reserved THE GREATEST BRAIN EVER by Franchot Lewis A minute or two after the final adjustments were made the human was able to say with quiet confidence, "Ah, yes. I'm doing fine. Aren't I?" Obeying an unstoppable urge the human breathed in a heartily breath of air, slapped its belly and danced about in a circle. Then it cleared its throat, made a host of noises, and, using a chanting like tone of voice, as if it was serenading, as quickly as it could, identified every object in sight, and added to the identification many of what it called "further useful facts". It boasted it complied these facts as it spoke. The professor seemed a little taken back by this unexpected demonstration. He did not recognize these functions in the human's program. "Malfunction?" he mumbled. "Malfunction?" the human asked. The professor mumbled. The human said, talking fast, "You are my creator, right? Am I exceeding your expectations? I am your best work. In fact I must admit, I tower above all your other creations." "Er, yes," the professor mumbled. The professor was just an obscure scientist. He had thought/ hoped that this work would bring him recognition and tenure at his university. "You mean I am inventive, indeed? I am special or something. I have to be to do that?" The professor nodded. He picked up a clip board, read the diagnosis, drew his breath, closed his eyes and took a pills, five pills, so close together that it seemed like something was very wrong. He opened his eyes, turned his head to the right and stared straight into the human's questioning stare. "That's not possible," he mumbled, "that's not in the blazes possible." The human smiled at him. The professor mumbled as he checked the instruments, "Okay, give me the deviations." He studied the instruments screens carefully, his forehead hurt. "Kiss my ...," he swore, mumbling, "I knew that ... That last adjustment ... It is out of control." The human started laughing. "Professor, you're just too fucking brilliant!" The professor took off his lab jacket, he was too hot. He said that he should put on his street jacket, that he had somewhere to go and had to leave soon. "You are finished?" the human asked him. "Yea, sure." "Okay, let's go out and tell the world then?" "You are ready -" "Yes." "I am not." "I thought so," the human said and it began to shadow box about the lab, punching the air savagely as though beating an invisible opponent. The professor let out a gasp. The human did not understand the professor's gasp and took it to be a boasting bellow. "You've got the right to be proud, old fellow," the human said. "We've got to end this," the professor spoke abruptly. "I'm meeting some one this evening." "Who?" "Another scientist." "Great!" The human was enthused. "What do you think of giving him the honor of being the first to witness your finest creation?" The color drained from the professor's face at an alarming rate. In less than half a second the professor was pale white as the frailest star. The human theorized out loud that the professor was under such a terrific strain and was in danger of falling to serious illness. The human shook its head and spoke with great sympathy."An extensively complex creation like me has taken its toll." The professor caught himself mumbling, "What could have gone wrong?" "Gone wrong?" asked the human. The professor covered his mouth instinctively and drew his lips tight. His tongue, he kept hidden behind his hand. There was a silence. The human stared at the professor, trying to cipher what in all probability did the professor mean by stating that something had gone wrong. Quickly, the human hit upon something. The human asked, "Does it have something to do with your colleague? Is he late arriving? It is not yet the hour most favored by guests arriving at others homes. You must not let a little tardiness in others worry you. As long as you, yourself are not tardy -- In the long run these little annoyances will play themselves out. It is so obvious that they are trifles. After a short rest you will see this for yourself. You will see that you shouldn't let little things trap you in their midget-grip." The professor let out another loud gasp. The human spoke to the look of bewilderment on the professor's face. "It is a trifle,' the human said. "I must go now, " The professor said. The human asked, "When shall I make my debut?" The professor did not give an answer. The human said, "You mustn't let modesty put it off. So clearly, I shall prove that you are a towering genius." The human smiled. The human knew that it was going over the top with its praise. But, the human felt stopless, it was all for a good cause. The professor's face darken. He looked gloomy. He replied, "You are really an important project, you know, and expensive, so much of the Department's funds are in you. I must be careful how you are presented." The human retort was: "Aren't you proud of your work?" The professor looked sad. "One thing I must do with you ... If you knew the scientific community, you would understand. I have to follow the process, run you through a select panel that judges scientific work. You are not a cheap quickie project that I can just put out without following the proper procedure. You would be gobbled up as a sort of fad, junkie thing." The human showed great disappointment. "What am I supposed to do while I wait for my debut?" it asked. The professor answered, "Practice perfection. Consider the possibility of improving your capabilities." "I am perfected," replied the human. "You say so in your notes." "You read my notes?" "What else am I to do cooped up in here?" "You read my notes?" "Procrastination! That is what's really the matter!" the human thundered suddenly, thrusting pieces of paper, print-outs of the notes in front of the professor's face. The professor stood wide-eyed and speechless. The human put his hand on the professor's back and guided him to a chair. "Let's have a talk about this, Professor." The human seated the professor on the edge of a stool and sat down to his left. "Professor," the human began. "You have no idea how proud I am of how hard you have worked. I have tried to tell you this all the time. I am proud of your science, and your service to the furtherance of knowledge." The professor nodded as the human continued. "I am very proud of you, Creator. But, dammit, you have missed the point completely." The professor looked up, continuing surprised by the strength of emotions in the human's voice. "I thought," he said softly, "I 'er -" The human cut him off. "Missed the point," it repeated its main criticism of its creator. "And why?" The professor looked at the human, it looked at him. The professor swore that he would remembered the look on the human's face forever. It would be easy to do, for he had seen that look in his own mirror. His creation had honestly addressed the most important question ever worth considering: "What is the point?" "There is a purpose for me," the human said. "A purpose!" The professor replied, gently, "Everything can be improved." The human shook its head. "I read your bio, and have observed you carefully. I know you are shy, too shy for your own good, and the good of your work." The professor shook his head. "I have to say good night now. I'll be back, and we can have a go around again on this if you would like." The human answered, ""You must make an effort to rid yourself of your shyness. You really must try, old fellow." "It is nice of you to be so concern," the professor replied. "I care about you. You are my creator, a genius." "And I suppose that I have a wonderful creation whose purpose is to make me the greatest creator ever?" "Do you have a problem with that?" "No. I've always wanted to be thought of as brilliant, as a genius, as the greatest brain ever, who doesn't?" The human sighed. "To achieve that I would need your complete cooperation. Creation is your business. I shall make publicity mine. You will have to come off of your shyness and chase all the scary little jitters that bug you away. I shall have to perform brilliantly, as I am designed to do, so I can sell you to the world as the greatest brain ever." The professor said nothing for a long moment, then smiled and said, "Draw up your plan, put it on paper, so I can read it, digest it, then we will discuss it. In fact, you can design the complete marketing plan. It wouldn't hurt if you would take a month, or as long as it will take, to develop this complete comprehensive scheme." "Good. I so happened to have already read such a plan and it is on your desk." The professor glanced across the room at his desk, at the pile of documents there, asked, "Where?" The human quickly retrieved the plan from the professor's desk. "That?" the professor mumbled. "Yes, your plan!" the human replied. "Needs work," the professor mumbled. "There you go again with no confidence. This plan is brilliant. You just don't want to do what it takes to -" The professor interrupted. "I am not shy." "Come on, old fellow," the human said. "There is no need to pout." The professor looked thoroughly annoyed. "Don't pout," said the human. "I don't like seeing a long face on you." The professor looked glum for another minute, then suddenly reacted with a smile, as though he had just been struck by a clever idea. He told the human, "There are clever scientists discovering, inventing, creating. What society needs are practical applications of the wonders of science." The human nodded, "Yes." The professor continued, "Space, the final frontier, out there beyond our protective spheres and shields, where we must go to meet the challenges that remain ..." "I can appreciate your vision, " the human said. The professor smiled, continued," I have another invention, a creation of mine, not as great as you. It is a space cube that can carry you out into far, distant space to search, to discover, to then report back." "Brilliant!" The professor continued, "On your return, ours, yours, and mine will be the greatest triumph." "Oh, yes. O-my, yes!" shouted the human. "I'll go and you won't be sorry!" The professor said with urgency, "There is no time to lose. If you are to return in time for the plenary session of the World Scientific Congress." "Yes, yes..." said the human. The next day the professor was in an unusually happy mood. He met with his friend in the lab, the lab's first visitor in a long time. His friend asked, "Tell me. I have never seen you this gleeful. Have you made your long expected breakthrough?" The professor replied, grinning. "I've gotten rid of two of my greatest failures. A space cube that can travel where no one wants to go, and a creature that was a pain in the antennae." "Oh?" said the friend. The professor still bubbling with enthusiasm continued, "I sent this thing I created a long, long, way into a far galaxy. Once the cube has landed and the things has gotten out, the cube will explode, stranding the thing forever." "What thing?" "The thing I created here in my lab." "How bad a thing was it that you would go through so much trouble to destroy it? Why not just disassemble it?" "I am abandoning it." "I still don't understand." "I just couldn't kill it." "Disassemble?" "No. I couldn't. I've put too much work in it." "Too much of yourself, huh?" "No." "No?" "No!"